Let me get this part out of the way right up front: If AA or NA meetings work for you, then that is great, and I would encourage you to continue on with them (for the most part).
However, even if meetings seem to be working for you, I would encourage you to take a look at some of the ideas on this page. I am not trying to “talk you out of meetings” necessarily. I am just challenging folks to really look at their recovery. The fact is that anyone who is living a successful life in recovery should be making personal growth on a regular basis. If they are just coasting along then they are not doing themselves any favors, and they are also running a risk that they might relapse at some point.
So while it is not going to be the case for everyone, some people would do well to think about an alternative approach to their recovery other than just “go to a meeting every day.”
Let’s find out why:
AA meetings can be a waste of time
You only have 24 hours in each day and many of those hours are already spoken for with things such as sleep, work, family interaction, and so on. Your remaining expendable (disposable) hours are very precious and what you do with them will have a huge impact on how your life evolves. Given that, are 12 step meetings the best choice?
There are a few reasons that meetings are effective. One is because recovering alcoholics benefit from a constant reminder that they are in the recovery process. This helps them to shut down thought processes that might romanticize the idea of taking a drink. Without regular reminders about recovery, these thoughts are pursued for longer periods of time and can make the recovering alcoholic miserable. Therefore, regular meetings serve as a reminder to the brain to help keep it on the right track.
Another reason that meetings are effective is because they allow people to vent. If you have no one to talk with in your life then going to a meeting can give you a chance to vent frustration. This was never the intended purpose of AA meetings, but they definitely do get used in this way. If you go to several AA meetings you will surely hear people vent about their problems that they are having in their lives.
In very early recovery, meetings can also be the vehicle and the location where the newcomer actually learns how to live a sober life.
So those are the ways in which meetings can be effective and helpful for recovery. But, keep in mind these 2 things:
1) All of those needs can be met outside of regular meeting attendance.
2) The “cost” of each meeting is one hour per day plus travel time. This adds up significantly over a lifetime.
Time in AA meetings is not necessarily “wasted” as it depends on what your needs are. If meetings work for you then it is probably wise to continue with them.
But be honest with yourself in terms of how much growth you have made in the last 30 days, the last 90 days, the last year. Are daily meetings pushing you forward, or are they keeping you stagnant?
One hour per day plus travel time is a HUGE investment. If you are not getting inspired growth and continuous progress based on your meeting attendance, then it is likely a waste of your time.
Results speak for themselves, but of course, you have to be truly honest with yourself. It can be easy to coast along, become stagnant, but still pat yourself on the back for not relapsing. Are you really growing though?
AA meetings can detract from what your real priorities should be in recovery
What is the long term goal in recovery?
In my opinion the answer is personal growth.
That is why anyone who is attending meetings on a regular basis but feels like they are stuck in a rut needs to take action in order to jump-start their recovery.
The point of recovery is not to abstain and sit in meetings all day. The point of recovery is to recover a life of purpose and meaningful growth. There is a tendency in AA to focus on one type of growth at the expense of all others. Spiritual growth is the only kind that matters in the program of AA.
But in “real world recovery,” there are huge benefits from looking into other types of personal growth. For example, exercise and physical fitness can have a huge, positive impact on recovery. The 12 step program does not acknowledge or admit this. It has no need to, because the solution in AA is narrowed down to “spiritual growth.”
The real solution is bigger than that; more powerful. Holistic growth is the key to a successful life in recovery, and it includes the idea of spiritual growth as well.
AA meetings are effective because they narrow the focus down so much and give concentrated help in one specific area. If you have two weeks of sobriety then you can get huge benefit from an AA meeting. But after two years or twenty years in recovery, are one hour meetings every day really giving you the exact help and guidance that you need to keep making forward progress in your life? Sure you can still get value from any AA meeting, but that is not the point. The point is, how are you spending your precious hours every day?
For people who have mastered the basics in recovery, sitting in a meeting every day becomes an excuse for inaction. Your real priority in recovery should shift to one of personal growth. New goals should appear in your life or you should find more meaning and purpose in other ways. That is not to say that you *have* to leave AA as you move into long term recovery. It merely means that you need to make a conscious choice about how you are spending your time, and if the daily AA meeting is the best way for you keep growing in your recovery.
For some people, the daily meeting is a great way for them to experience growth. Maybe they actively sponsor people, chair meetings, get involved, make a real impact. But many people do not take it to that level, and instead just coast by, using daily meetings as a sort of life preserver to keep them sober. This is not real recovery and that is not real personal growth.
So yes, you CAN keep going to AA meetings in long term recovery. But don’t do it because you NEED to in order to stay sober. If that is the case, your recovery needs work.
AA meetings are fine. But dependency on AA meetings is not good. Personal growth is the goal, not just stability.
AA meetings might not be your best venue for helping others in recovery
Why help others in recovery? Why not just help yourself and focus on your own sobriety?
The reason is because helping others in recovery is one of the highest-impact things you can do for your recovery. There is little else that you could do to strengthen your recovery more than helping others. This is true both in and out of AA.
So you have to ask yourself: “Can I help others most effectively inside of AA meetings? Or outside of them?”
The key is to be honest with yourself. Don’t fall into the trap of getting some clean time, prattling on at meetings like a guru, and feeling your ego stroked while all the newcomers look up to you. Yes, you want to help others in recovery. But if you are doing it in meetings every day to stroke your own ego, then that is a problem. It can be easy to fall victim to “big-shotism” in AA when you get a few years sober, depending on what meetings you may attend. Old-timers are rare, but newcomers abound.
Going to AA meetings and sharing your experience is one way to help recovering alcoholics. But there are other ways. What you should do is to consider your own unique strengths and talents, and see how you can best use those to reach out to others in recovery. This may or may not be best suited for AA meetings. (For example, maybe you excel in one-on-one interactions rather than speaking in front of groups, etc.).
AA meetings can become a daily routine and an excuse to stop taking real action and making real growth in recovery
This is the main caution that I want you to take from this article. I am not trying to talk you out of meetings….rather, I am trying to get people to consciously choose meetings if they are going to keep going to them.
Remember that your real goal in recovery is not merely abstinence but instead it is continuous personal growth. AA meetings might be pushing you to make that growth, but they might also be keeping you stuck in a way.
It is easy to fall into a pattern of complacency if you attend daily meetings. This becomes especially true as you start to accumulate more sober time. Due to the massive attrition rate of modern day AA, this means that anyone who sticks around for over a year basically becomes a “senior member.” The constant influx of newcomers (who are not going to stick it out for the most part) means that you can now pat yourself on the back due to your “success” in being able to stick and stay. Show up to a meeting every day, preach to the newcomers, life is good.
The danger in that is complacency.
If you are stuck in a “meeting rut,” ask yourself the following questions:
* How can I push myself to grow in my recovery outside of traditional step work and spiritual growth?
* How can I push myself to carry a message of recovery to the world outside of the 12 step program?
* What can I do with an extra hour or two each day that will have a huge, positive impact on my life?
* Am I depending on meetings for my sobriety? How can I grow beyond that dependency?
AA meetings as a crutch
In some regards I tend to think of AA meetings as a bit of a crutch. This depends entirely on how you use the meeting, however.
If you depend on meetings to maintain your sobriety then obviously it is a crutch. The question is: “Is that a healthy dependency?”
Most people would answer that it is a healthy dependency to have and is certainly better than drinking. I would agree that sobriety beats drinking, but would also challenge people to choose the route of daily meetings more consciously. If it just becomes your default method for sobriety, your daily venting session that you depend on to keep you sober, then I think there is room for growth there.
Continuous sobriety should come from continuous personal growth. If you stagnate in your growth because attending daily meetings keeps you sober with little extra effort on your part, then that is bad. Look to challenge yourself a bit, away from dependency on daily meetings.
Recommended Reading
Call Today
866-211-5538
24 Hour Treatment
{ 20 comments… read them below or add one }
Excellent article! I completely agree. I found myself finally admitting that I was leaving a lot of meetings feeling guilty and like I was a bad recovery person because I couldn’t force myself to do nothing in life but pound myself with “the steps” and run for every service position imaginable and attend every meeting I could think of non-stop (oh that look from people when they haven’t seen you at THEIR meeting for a while, you just have to be drunk, right?). These negative self-perceptions were hard to fight down, I felt like I was some kind of a fraud with undeserved double-digit sobriety.
Then I went through a very rough spot with the death of my father and my husband being sick and in and out of the hospital for a while. I then had to face that the diagnosis of depression I had before I ever drank, probably shouldn’t be ignored any longer. I didn’t drink, didn’t want to, but I faced some things and came to a belief that echos your article. I have to allow, without shame and fear, other interests in my life. We got a little puppy right after my Dad died, my first dog as an adult, and I had to ask myself why I was putting her in a crate extra time for me to go to meetings I dreaded instead of devoting time to training her like I really wanted to do. I started staying home and working (playing) with our dog and it was such a joy! She got me and my husband outside and that led to my being a more sociable person over-all. There really isn’t enough time in life to fill it up with things done simply out of guilt and fear, which was why I had gone to so many meetings per week for years. You mentioned exercise, I added running to my agenda in place of hiding indoors on the elliptical machine so I could get my dog some good morning exercise as she matured. Exercise has been very beneficial to me for years.
One thing I must point out is that many people in 12 step programs do not understand adding other meaningful things to recovery, especially if it takes any time away from meetings or organized service work. A person needs to prepare themselves for people who will question the quality of their sobriety if they dare to add things to their lives. I had a woman in recovery ask me why I wasn’t currently in a service position and I told her about working with your young dog. The woman looked at me like I had just spoken to her in an alien tongue that made no sense at all. To many people you must devote your life in its entirety to a 12 step program forever or they will tell you that you are on dangerous ground. That’s why your articles are important, keep ‘em coming!
Thanks for the supportive comment, Mary! I like your view of things.
I would like to point out that I have received several emails about this article already, though…apparently it ruffled a lot of feathers out there. They say I am bashing AA, but I tried to just caution people about complacency.
I see so many get stuck in meetings, stuck in the fellowship, stuck in the program. Or they say “I worked the steps” and then they take no further action. Etc.
People can get stuck no matter what “program” they follow. It happens.
I figure my job is to wake them up, get them moving again. Personal growth is what keeps people sober, I don’t care what program they are working….(the program is not the solution, it just points towards a solution).
Thanks for the article! I agree that AA is not the be all/end all in recovery. I have found some meetings are very beneficial and some are more of a complaining session. Its kind of a crap shoot. I have seen some people use AA as a crutch to not move on with life. I, agree, that AA for new members is very beneficial and has a great purpose. My personal take on it is to integrate AA with other recovery tools. Exercise is great, as well as, meditation and deciding what your goals are in this new found life. I had to ask myself what I wanted and make some decisions that were outside my comfort zone and more than a bit uncomfortable in order to achieve goals I set for myself. It is scary but 100% worth it.
I, also, don’t think the legal system has a clue as to how to deal with addiction. Not all people are ready to do what they need to do in order to stop using/doing whatever their addiction may be. A certain frame of mind needs to be attainable and not all people are there. Being court ordered to meetings three times a week does not constitute recovery.
@ Becky – I agree with everything you are saying. AA can definitely be both a help as well as a hindrance, depending on the unique situation and each individual. The scary thing (to me) is that it has sort of become the default, and only, solution that is offered to 98 percent of people who seek help for alcoholism or addiction.
Hi spiritual river,
I love reading your articles and forum. I am too yet back in the rooms. Fighting the forever meetings and not wanting to conform been there done that. However I am working with a sponsor whom I respect and she welcome me in to help or guide me in this early time. As I sit back in meetings I still cringe and think wow. I listen to people who have years of soberity and still go to 3 meetings a day and they are obese and smoke or both. Its digusting to me. My sponsor attrends 4 mtgs a week which for me is way too much for someone who is 4 years sober. I see alot of fear based soberity and I will attend my 90/90 and then to a mtg when I want to go. I do want to have anything that I am dependent on for soberity how scary is that. Last night at the mtg the chair man said he had 9 years and stop mtgs and relaspe. I feel that is just an excuse. I dont believe in that cop out. I mean what kind of soberity is that? I am totally into mind-body-spirit. Excercise is a huge plus and I am also a Christian. AA God is too gerneric for me. I want to be sober so i can be free and not addicted to something else like endless mtgs. Negativity is very unhealthy for me and also being an emapath is tough for me to sit through drama-ego mtg.
For now I am doing this however I much open to many avenues and will do the “zero tolerance policy” for myself I really like that.
Dana
Hello,
I have 23 years of sobriety and I have seen many, many people over the years with both short time and long time sobriety come back to AA after a bender…nearly all of them say that they had quit going to meetings and that was the beginning of their slide. My first sponsor had 15 years and decided that she was so recovered that she no longer needed the meetings. It took her three years before it seemed one day like a good idea to have a little booze in her coffee during a ski trip. It was all downhill after that and three years later she crawled back to AA. Some people don’t make it back..they die. So why would I want to take a chance on stopping going to meetings. I don’t! Being sober, life is too good to throw it away again.
The author of this article is really putting a lot of bad information out there. As a recovering alcoholic, I made the choice to stay away from meetings after a few years, the result was devastating, it took years for me to drink again, but eventually I did. What is one hour a day anyway, including travel time. How much time did we spend in bars, in liquor stores, etc. to make our drinking possible? I think the author of this article is doing any one any good. It is just what some people would need to stop going, it’s like pulling an i.v. out of a dying person in the emergency room, it is just that serious.
I didn’t drink for 23 years, stayed away from AA meetings for the last ten years or more, and eventually I forgot that small fact, that my disease is cunning, baffeling and powerful. I ended up locked up for a while, and if it takes going to meetings to keep me in fit spiritual condition, then so it is. If you can’t help the problem, you know nothing about the solution, so it would be wise if you just stop messing with a very deadly disease that you know nothing about.
@ Marti – Your brand of misinformation is as damaging as the free thinking model.
AA saves some lives, yes. But it also kills some people. When it comes to recovery we have much to learn.
You are substituting your experience for everyone else, wondering why they all can’t “get it” like you did.
AA does not work for everyone. (In fact, over half leave within the first year). How do YOU help people who reject AA? Just give up on them? I try to help them.
Good luck to you.
Fine article. AA is only a tool, a good one, for long-term sobriety. To become “dependent” on this one tool could be targeted for relapse if this tool in someway collapes. AA is not a rock and is as fragile as we are. Any smart person would not put all his coins in one basket. There is alot of recovery information out there (including yours) to buttress your long term sober life. Keep coming back.
AA helped me stop drinking, that’s it. I worked the steps with a sponsor, and ‘loved AA’. Then is became aware that I then needed something else. My sponsor told me without AA I will drink guaranteed. AA helped me address some of my fears, but developed more fear. When I realized AA was not for me, all my AA ‘friends’ were only to be found at a meeting. AA is a fear based program. From my experience, AA helped me stop drinking, that’s it. I would have probably relapsed if just stopped going to meetings. I stopped attending AA, but I started….studying Martial Arts, devoted more time to playing guitar, socializing at my local dog park, began studying meditation techniques with a Monk, and volunteering at community events. If AA is ‘it’ for you, then yes, you will drink if you stop going meetings. May everyone be happy and healthy.
I agree with Brian’s statement above, and also the message “go to AA meetings forever or DIE” is not a positive way to recover. People who fall back into the same lack of care for their own emotional and mental health they had when drinking do run a greater risk of drinking again in my opinion, but taking care of oneself in a positive way comes in many forms. It’s amazing and wonderful to me that I can gradually begin socializing with other people out there and they don’t see me as some kind of freak! So long I was afraid to do that.
Right now I still go to my home group, where there are many people I truly love and are a positive influence on my life; but I am grappling with the fear-based part of my recovery as well. I know that it won’t serve me well forever, and the worst of the AA based fear hasn’t served me well emotionally in the past. I need to keep working on how to live a full life and let go of that remaining fear which holds me back.
AA can be harmful to people in some ways, I have read that the suicide rate for people who relapse after being sober in AA is higher than that for people who get sober in other ways then relapse. I understand this since for years I told myself that if I drank again suicide would definitely be an option. I also figured there would be no use having a small relapse, since you lose everything in AA by “going out” you might as well make it a good one right? This kind of thinking isn’t healthy, it took me years to start seeing it for what it was.
AA got me sober, it was the only game in town in 1992. I did detox, 21 day treatment, then long term treatment and AA. I have served in the AA service structure, chaired meetings, given leads. That is not bad, but without the possibility of more to life I don’t know what would have happened to me when things really got rough from time to time. It’s hard to tell anyone that one more inventory, isn’t doing anything for you. Or one more lead, making sure to exaggerate your failings in the ways that get the best belly laugh, doesn’t take care of everything; or talking to one more newcomer who has been coached in meetings to believe that a sponsor is a goddess who can make her be sober isn’t the most valuable thing you will ever know in life. You can’t say that, it would be considered “sick”! Those are the times you need a life and the knowledge that there is more to live for and more help available beyond AA if you find you need it.
And it is a worn out tactic to tell someone with a difference of opinion that they are “dangerous” and they don’t know anything about recovery. When I read this web site it looks like the author has been there and done that and probably has the tee shirt.
30 years free thru jesus christ . aa is a bondage program filled with half truths , the big book is not the bible . 1 spend my time going to aa meetings an getting them to christian church meetings , 1 am an aa evangelist , aa is full of people searching for truth . jesus said 1 am truth. ha aa what a lie from the beginning . jesus said there are many paths which seem right but only one path leads to the father, he aa members give your self a break . give your life to jesus an you will never need aa a gain god bless , mad dog.
This article is fantastic! I am currently in a relationship with someone who uses meetings as a crutch and it has affected our relationship (which I’m currently ending)…. I was married to an addict for 8 years and I dealing with that end of it (abuse, using, etc.) was hard…. little did I realize that being with someone that is recovering is even harder! Excuse after excuse of why they NEED meetings…. she has been sober for 4 years now and completed the 12 steps but her sponsor tells her that she needs to stay committed to 5-6 meetings a week in order to stay clean……
Her life revolves around AA and there is really no personal growth…..
I’m sending this to her…. thank you again!
I loved this article because I actually left AA because I started to realize that the “healthy” group were obsessed with AA meetings. I became a Nichiren Buddhist while in AA and frankly I get more accomplished sitting at home in front of my Gohonzon(object of devotion, scroll that I chant in front of) chanting for a couple of hours than I do sitting in a meeting hearing so called AA big book thumpers go on and on about “the big book this, the big book that” when they continually contradict that said book. IE:have to this, have to that, must this must that, blah blah blah(kind of funny when the Big Book says that “our book is meant to be suggestive only” which trumps and cancels out any “must” that it mentions prior to that in the book, and they conveniently sweep that under the rug even after reading it in a meeting). I find as long as I chant 2 hours a day I never have a desire to drink and I remain smoke free, free of depression, showing up to work on time, free of resentments, no meetings or 12 steps required, no need for all the drama. I have proven this over and over again, and of course people in meetings would tell me that it doesn’t work just because it doesn’t line up with the religion of Bill W. and Dr. Bob no matter how many things I have overcome by chanting. I especially love the fact of hearing people go on and on about “that’s just my sick crazy alcoholic thinking” when it is nothing more than an excuse to not pay their bills or rationalize acting more like a 12 year old as opposed to acting like an adult and people just nod and laugh about it knowing that they do the same thing then patting the person on the back for their “honesty”. I’m not saying that every AA member does that, but any time I might have called someone out for that type of thing people would tell me that just because I don’t have as long sober as they do telling me to take the cotton out of my ears and put it in my mouth or some other nonsensical thing like that. I don’t ever want to darken the doors of another AA meeting for as long as I live, the only problem is sometimes I miss the fellowship. Sometimes I miss the campouts, picnics, etc etc. Guess I’ll chant more to break that emotional attachment and to keep it away.
Patrick, your comments are misinformation. Mary, you along most of the other commenters do not or never had a solid understanding of AA…or addiction itself. This article is a shame. Never have I read so many adults comment on something that they gave up on so quickly
After 3.5 years of sobriety and over the past 2 yeasr have gradualy been pulling away from AA. “You must go to a meeting if you dont feel good” etc , seems to me, to make you become dependant on AA. I practise meditation, have learnt play to a muscial instrument and now gig (often at pubs and bars and seeing people drunk is enough to remind me that I do not want to go there again). In other words, I have deliberatley set out to have another life apart from AA. I still go to a meeting approx. once every two weeks and just dip my toe in. I am very grateful to AA and in my part , I offer service by running meditation classes. Becoming dependant on AA is not something I want – I want a balanced life. Years ago I went to see a consellor and then stayed seeing him every week for 2 years. I spent alot of money and alot of my self worth was dependant on him. The he moved away and I was devistated and hurt. It tooks months for me to get back on track. I feel the same now, I do not want to become dependant on AA. Sometimes it sounds like a cult or brainwashing, the things people say. I say if you need it then make AA your life and I am sure that this is a great way to live. I just prefer other things such as meditation and music to provide me with spiritual support, plus occasional AA meetings.
Hi its me again!
NOTE: I do not think I would stay sober unless I did have some kind of spiritual program and had hobbies or a job that I loved doing (love being the important thing) . Spiritual practise or personal growth does seem to be very important to stay sober. Music for me (either listening or playing music) is a spritual practise and also makes me feel good and calm.
I am the wife of an alcoholic. My husband is a type-A, controlling person, who over does everything (job, school, working out) and often fails to remember that he is married and that I deserve some of his time. I am grateful that he’s finally admitted his drinking problem after 8 years of being together. However, he tells me it’s imperative to attend several meetings PER DAY. During the work week, he no longer comes home for lunch and is gone every evening at meetings. He took the day off from work today and is on his 4th meeting of the day. Is this normal???? I understand the need to go to meetings, but is it normal to go 24/7? This seems like his newest “crutch” to me, and that he is using these meetings to save himself from having to face the destruction he’s created at home.
It doesn’t seem to me that the author has actually read and anderstands AA’s literature or has attended enough meetings and worked the steps for long enough to really understand the type of alcoholic AA works the best for or how it really works. I have run into many alcoholics who once they came to the realization that they couldn’t have even one drink safely were able to adopt a lifestyle where they could stay away from that first drink and have a good life without AA or any of the things the author is suggesting. Most emotionally and spiritually healthy people don’t need AA or the type of things the author is suggesting, even some alcoholics. There are many alcoholics, however, who are OCD about alcohol(not an AA term) and need to have a “spiritual awakening”(an AA shorthand term to denote in part a profound personal change) to obtain any peace and long term sobriety. Most of these people have tried multiple other ways of staying away from the first drink, including many of the non AA things the author is suggesting, and have not been able to stay sober or attain a satisying life without alcohol. Once these people have a “spiritual awakening”(please don’t get hung up on the term – its just the most convenient shorthand term for what happens) they are so grateful that they made part of their life’s purpose to carry this message to alcoholics like them who are still suffering. The author is putting the cart before the horse, and might I add playing with fire. I actually love going to AA meeting and have been going to 3-5 a week for the last 20 years, but I also don’t want to risk the great life I have to day. Based on my experiences during my last 5 years of trying to get sober there is a real CHANCE(not certainty) that I will pick up again if I completely stop going to meeting. Since I love meetings anyhow it would be nuts for me to stop or substitute them with something else. I also did many of things the author is suggesting for a brief period during my sobriety, and benefitted from them, but I’ve grown past them and feel I I will achieve much more growth through AA and working with alcholics than through any of these other methods.
Thank you for your artcal, it seemed to express the transition i am in at the moment. I am 2 yaers clean and my life is taking off and it’s graet. I have been finding the meetings controling, fear based and not loving and caring, so where are the spirital princables that your suppose to work in your program. As addicts we usually manipulate every situation to meet our needs and that is what i think is happening. My step 3 shoes me to take action and face fears in all areas of my life. If i am stuck in the safty of meetings all the time i am not implying that step. I also think people stay in the rut because it feeds there ego, which again is what working the steps is suppose to make you aware of, by looking at and changing your defects of character in your 6+7 step. I love the 12 steps as they have freed me in ways i’d never have drempt and NA is where my heart lies, but the program teaches us about balance and not to live in obsession, which the program it self can become. I have been controled by drugs and men all of my life, i refuse to now be controled by NA. I work the steps, go to a few meetings and sponsor woman and I am free to make choices. I should not be shamed because of that. I am fortunate that i have good friends who work 12 step who see the insanity in it to.