When Someone Clings to the 12 Steps as Their Only Solution
People will always criticize innovation. Some people from the 12 step program have asked me concerning the Spiritual River: “Your website is dangerous. Why didn’t you think this through better? People’s lives are at stake here!”
You’re darn right they are. And I’ve seen too many addicts and alcoholics die over the past 8 years to just stand by and continue preaching half-hearted solutions that produce miserable success rates.
When AA fails, people never fault the program. We only fault the alcoholic. “They didn’t want it bad enough,” we say.
Unacceptable. Look at the numbers. Where is the innovation? Where is the push to help more alcoholics recover? Are we forever stuck preaching this old fashioned solution to all of the addicts of the world?
So I guess what I”m saying is that I’m through playing nice guy because some old-timer in AA is clinging to the false belief that AA is the only solution that can possibly help anyone. That strategy isn’t serving us well. The question is: “What actually works for recovery? What actually helps people to stay clean and sober in the long run?” I’m not really concerned with what is traditional and what is honorable in recovery circles because, quite frankly, addicts are dying in the streets. I know this because I’ve lived in long term treatment with several of them who have passed away.
They failed at recovery. Or…..did recovery fail them? I can’t help but think that we could have offered some of these people a better solution.
I don’t have proof other than my own experience. I can’t offer any evidence other than what I’ve observed in other recovering addicts. But understand this much: AA is in the same position. The only data they have points to lousy success rates. The old-timer in AA who proclaims that AA can work for anyone is in the same exact position that I am. He is basing his assertion on his own success in AA. I am doing the same with the creative theory of recovery. We are both saying: “It works for me, so it could potentially work for you too.” Anything beyond that is a numbers game: show me the proof. If you claim to have the ultimate solution then you better back it up with some darn impressive numbers. Show me what percentage stay sober for a year, for 3 years, for ten years. The success rates are depressingly dismal in the 12 step model.
Believe me, I’m not knocking the 12 step approach. If it works for you then that is great. But the old-timer in AA does not have good numbers on his side. He has a narrow-minded view of what works for recovery and is part of a self-selecting group.
AA is the status quo. Currently, it is the default solution for recovery. And it is largely failing us. Even AA World Services has published census data stating that 80 percent of those who attend their first AA meeting never return again. I’m not making this up. So you are talking about a program with at least an 80 percent failure rate. And that is the most optimistic outlook based on AA’s own internal data! 80 percent failure is a best case scenario.
Now I’m not bashing AA here. What I’m saying is, I’m not willing to settle. I happen to work in a treatment center and I see the ridiculous amount of repeat business. It’s like a revolving door.
Unacceptable. We can do better. I can do better. If you want a piece of what I’m creating here, then please come along for the ride. If not, the internet is a big enough place for any AA purist out there to voice their opinions as well.
This is not said to bash AA. This is about helping the struggling addicts and alcoholics out there. If AA is working for you then that is great. But I personally am in a line of work where I have to watch it fail for so many addicts and alcoholics.
It’s just ridiculous. I want to help people. Is AA really the only thing I can offer them? I’m not looking to bash AA but only want to offer more help with new solutions. Hence, the creative theory of recovery.
It works for me. Maybe it can work for you too.
Madison Says:
Hi Patrick,
I totally agree with everything that you say. I am now sober for the first time in seventeen years, I am nearly one year sober. I got here in part because of Spiritual River and other resources like yours.
Times have changed, the world has changed and the way people are learning to recover from alcoholism has changed. There are also many different types of alcoholics in today’s world and A.A may not be well suited to their lifestyle.
I suffered with social anxiety, so I can tell you that A.A was not going to be my first choice.
I appreciate the fact that you write Spiritual River. It makes the world of difference to people like myself who seek an alternative to A.A.
Thank you!
Patrick Says:
Hi Madison
I appreciate your feedback.
I agree that the world is changing, and that as we gain more knowledge about recovery and about addiction that we can learn and start using new approaches. At least, that is my hope.
The alternative, to me, is that we stay stuck. Stuck with something that does not work for most people……
Lori Says:
My sister wants to quit drinking, but can’t. She has been through a 28 day program and is attending AA meetings, but keeps relapsing. How do you get to the point of surrender?
Patrick Says:
Hi Lori
That is an excellent question…how do we get to the point of surrender? In fact, that is the million dollar question. If I had a great answer to this, and a definite, tried and true method, then we would have solved the problem of addiction.
I will tell you who does have an answer to this question: Al-anon groups. They know full well how an addict or alcoholic gets to the point of surrender: through pain.
Pain is the great motivator. In the end, it is probably the only thing that will motivate a true addict or alcoholic. We will not change unless the pain in our life becomes great enough.
The pain of losing jobs, friends, money, an education, our careers. Addicts lose all sorts of things. Marriages, houses, families. We keep losing stuff due to our addiction. And it hurts.
When it hurts enough, we will change.
This points to one of the great truths of dealing with an addict: never deny them of their pain. They bring it on themselves, and you should not stand in the way of it. Doing so will only delay their moment of surrender.
Fawn Says:
Because of the nature of the beast that alcohol is anyone that says “My way is the only way” could potentially contribute to the death of an addicted person. A hugely scary concept. In my life (off the internet and outside meetings) I try hard – very hard – to walk the walk and NOT talk the talk, hoping that a life lived with as much wisdom and courage possible will do the talking. I don’t know how much I succeed but I try. In order to create that life I’ve had to turn to multiple recovery and spiritual programs to do this. I have never found one single place that totally filled every need that presented itself. I am, however, very grateful for all the help I’ve recieved from everywhere. I really like how you put into words the things that I was feeling but couln’t express. I can honestly say that I’ve had principles pushed down my throat that aren’t for me. Blind worship of the step concept and the sponser concept anre two that come to mind.
Patrick Says:
I think you nailed it right on the head Fawn when you look at the idea of “walking the walk” and leading by example. These people that truly walk the path are the winners that we look up to in recovery.
I guess one of the big points that should be made here is that those people can be found both inside of AA, as well as outside of it. And there are some truly great people in the 12 step program who are not book thumping and scaring all the newcomers away.
But just as important is that there are winners outside of the fellowship as well. If someone could have illustrated this to me when I was struggling to get sober, I think it could have helped tremendously.
Would have given me hope. To know that there are other solutions….
Fawn Says:
Yes, exactly.
Some thoughts: 1.) There are “winners” everywhere (family, friends, work, church, the grocery store, etc.) that we can choose to model our recovery, actions, and decisions on. That’s one of my primary thoughts. Base yourself on people that you respect. This is probably not a newcomer issue but still important. 2.) When I had first dried out my brain couldn’t handle a whole lot. Simple things worked best for me. If a solution was going to work, it would have to be simple. and 3.) LORI -Look around in this site for info on helping an addicted person. Al-anon might have some litature to help you help your sister and help you too. I have both been a drunk and loved a drunk and my experience tells me that it’s a whole lot easier being the drunk then loving one because at least you can do something about your own drinking problem. There is a great deal of hope and action you can take while dealing with people in active addiction. It certainly helped me to arm myself with knowledge about the disease of addiction. Then it didn’t so much like I was flailing around in the dark. Good Luck! Don’t give up – on yourself or your sister. Hope I didn’t butt in where I don’t belong.
Keith Bray Says:
The EYES of the Soul
This is one of the most compelling, for me, headlines I have come across.
I am a real believer in the duality I believe which exists in each of it. It is this duality that causes internal struggle and this passage from Martia Nelson hits the nail on the head in a simple way. Give it some thought. A passage from Martia Nelson’s book, ‘Coming Home’: (about that soul)
“My greatest teacher was the experience of living in split realities: personality and true self. Personality is our daily companion, our conscious self that sees the world through the eyes of limitation and dutifully keeps us informed about what we can and cannot do. True self, on the other hand, patiently stands by, offering the unwavering knowledge that a state of vibrant well-being and unlimited possibility is our true nature, a birthright that can be lived if we choose to do so. … True self simply refers to the aspect of our being that is completely aware of its expanded nature no matter what we may be experiencing at the time.
Whenever we feel constrained, fearful, unworthy, inadequate or anything we deem to be negative, we have identified with our personality. We can always choose to view the same situation from the perspective of our soul.”
I loved studying Tolle’s “A New Earth”. It helped me clarify thinking about the role of duality, the role of two egos and the turmoil I experienced. It is and was deep and heavy, I love the simplicity of Nelson.
Day to day, I work hard at “true self” being present in the moment. The small quiet voice inside that I buried so deeply was and is the voice of my higher power. It is my soul, and it is through the eyes of my soul that I try and see the world and live.
Interested in kicking around duality? I can be reached through http://www.hopeserenity.ca.
“As a Witness, you begin to discover that you are not that which you have been observing; you are not those things that you have been noticing about your body. Instead, you are the noticer.” — Wayne Dyer
Lisa M. Says:
I too work in a treatment center and see what you have been stating about recovery and the statistics. I am beginning to see more and more treatment modalities being offered at the treatment center I work at and am very greatful for this because complimentary and alternative therapy has been a strong part of my path. The 12 steps is where I started but I needed more. My whole life has changed due to my sobriety and my spirituality. Some people don’t agree with my “path” of sobriety but it works for me. I think we all need to keep looking until we find what we need and what works for us.
Again really enjoy your articles, keep up the good work.
Lisa M.
Dana R Says:
I love this site. Traditional AA is not for me. Its outdated and there are a many unhealthy indiv. in those rooms. I have been clean and sober a few 24 hours and I left the rooms. I work out I eat right I work on myself towards healthy behaviors and choices. I am well, I still have 2 really good friends (in AA) who understand me and truly love me uncondtionally. I meditate etc. I love being clean and sober
I love spirtual River
Patrick Says:
Thank you so much for the kind words, Dana! I agree with your holistic approach. Sounds like it is working wonders for you….God bless!