Comments on: What to Say to an Alcoholic that is Out of Control http://www.spiritualriver.com Non-traditional recovery from addiction Thu, 09 Feb 2012 11:09:53 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.2.1 By: Anonymoushttp://www.spiritualriver.com/what-to-say-to-an-alcoholic-that-is-out-of-control/comment-page-1/#comment-129942 Anonymous Wed, 09 Nov 2011 17:18:40 +0000 http://www.spiritualriver.com/?page_id=277#comment-129942 @baloo Is the boyfriend's home unstable in some way? Telling me his parents sell herbs to cancer patients really doesn't imply that. it merely implies that you disapprove. @baloo Is the boyfriend’s home unstable in some way? Telling me his parents sell herbs to cancer patients really doesn’t imply that. it merely implies that you disapprove.

]]> By: Rhondahttp://www.spiritualriver.com/what-to-say-to-an-alcoholic-that-is-out-of-control/comment-page-1/#comment-128772 Rhonda Sun, 30 Oct 2011 01:38:05 +0000 http://www.spiritualriver.com/?page_id=277#comment-128772 @Baloo- I can try to give you some insight. I just recently cut all ties to my alcoholic Mother, I am 31 and I have 3 children. In regards to your niece what she needs is stability and discipline. She is so used to being in a chaotic situation with the alcoholic parent that it has become her "normal" and obviously she has learned how to take advantage of certain aspects of that life. I understand she pulls at your heart but you should not give in and buy her things, she needs to learn responsibility which her Father obviously can't show her, so look at it as you are teaching her necessities for life, which Im sure her mother would appreciate more than the pair of Uggs you promised her. @Baloo- I can try to give you some insight. I just recently cut all ties to my alcoholic Mother, I am 31 and I have 3 children. In regards to your niece what she needs is stability and discipline. She is so used to being in a chaotic situation with the alcoholic parent that it has become her “normal” and obviously she has learned how to take advantage of certain aspects of that life. I understand she pulls at your heart but you should not give in and buy her things, she needs to learn responsibility which her Father obviously can’t show her, so look at it as you are teaching her necessities for life, which Im sure her mother would appreciate more than the pair of Uggs you promised her.

]]> By: Baloohttp://www.spiritualriver.com/what-to-say-to-an-alcoholic-that-is-out-of-control/comment-page-1/#comment-127773 Baloo Thu, 20 Oct 2011 04:59:53 +0000 http://www.spiritualriver.com/?page_id=277#comment-127773 Ah, familiar stories of childhood memories. My husband and I both come from long stretching roots of alcoholism. We made a decision 14 years ago to break the cycle and have been blessed with a great life. Today, I find myself carrying a burden that I do not know if it is mine to carry. Let me give a quick run down of the situation. My brother-in-law is an alcoholic in denial. He has never grown up. He is good looking, has a great personality and can sell ice to an eskimo. Did I mention he is in denial about his drinking? He drinks every day, he has had trouble holding jobs in the past. Great jobs, career positions, not just your pass the time jobs. He was dishonorably discharged from the Navy for drinking. He lost his job at the railroad for drinking. It goes on and on. He has 2 daughters. Signed over parental rights to the oldest one because it was easier for his bank account, and easier to take the cowards path. He married the other daughter's mom. When their daughter was 7, his wife divorced him. She was diagnosed with breast cancer before she made the decision to end their marriage. She battled it with courage and the will to live for her daughter. She lost that battle 3 years ago. Her worst nightmare was that he would continue to be an alcoholic and their daughter would suffer the consequences. I promised her I would be there as much as I could for my niece. Fast forward: 3 years have passed, my niece is now 15 and it is a real living nightmare. Her dad remained unemployed for almost 2 years, milking the unemployment benefits and getting the SSI each month for her, from her mothers death. He has cheated through 3 semesters of college, dropped out, and now is working again. My niece is in high school and her boyfriends parents sell medical marijuana for a living, and she thinks their home is more stable than her own dad. I have tried offering her a place to live with my family, we have a nice, large home. Several other family members have done the same. She is now at the age where she has made the choice of preferring her boyfriend and friends over the security of the stability her family has offered to her. She uses her dad's alcoholism to her benefit now. She used to play all kinds of sports. She used to participate in extra activities and clubs at school. She used to love to be around her family, and now she avoids us because her dad will put restrictions on her if she ends up telling us something inadvertently that he has neglected to do, whether it has to do with school or sports, or any extra activities. He provides no guidance to her, if it doesn't fit with his drinking schedule. He lets her go with anyone if it frees up time for him to drink socially. If he does ground her, it doesn't matter because it lasts only until his next scheduled episode of drinking. (Daily) His bad habits have rubbed off on her. She has no work ethic. She is not motivated to do better than what she has been shown. He has not taught her to plan for the future, to look forward to her future. I hired her at my company and a she tried pulling my heart strings and 'setting' her own hours. I put my foot down and told her the supervisor in the department she was working in was in charge of her hours and would have to discuss those changes with her immediate supervisor. Her employment was based on us finding jobs for her to do. It is not a huge business, it employs about 15 people on average. I had her supervisor call her to ask her to come in to work this week. She would not reply to her. She doesn't want to work, apparently. My niece has a twirp formal dance coming up. This is the one where the girl pays. She wants to do drivers ed -which costs 200.00 if you take it during the school year. Those 2 things combined is an easy 500.00 bill. (Her dad is constantly robbing Peter to pay Paul - in regards to his financial situation and recent bout of unemployment). Meanwhile, the same day she was asked to come back to work, she texted & asked me to take her shopping for a prom dress and also mentioned that she would like to now look for the Ugg Boots I told her I would buy for her, at the beginning of the school year. When I tried asking her dad why she wouldn't reply to her supervisor about work, he wouldn't discuss it. I then told him I had stuck my neck out for her and her lack of a reply was rude and I wanted to know why she didn't want to come in. I was then told to mind my own business, that it was her loss. What? He knows she asked me to take her shopping. So it's ok for her to not work for anything, but instead expect family members to buy her things because we feel bad because she lost her momma and lives with an lying alcoholic. I need to let go of this burden. I know I can't change him. I could care less if he spent the rest of his days drunk if it was only him. But my niece, she is a child, and she did not choose this life. She was dealt an unfair hand, she has support and outlets, but she now has come to the point in her life where she is faced with which path to take, and it is not the one we had offered her, or hoped for. I am helpless to his addiction. My heart is heavy, my anger burns, I feel like I have to fight for this child who doesn't want me to. I feel like I have to do this for her mother who cannot be here for her. Advice? It is to the point where he avoids all of us, so getting her to Al-ateen meetings would be nearly impossible. What else can I do? I try to be there for her, but our visits usually end up with me buying her things she wants. With all the other emotions, she is now old enough to know right from wrong, and I am beginning to feel used. Ah, familiar stories of childhood memories. My husband and I both come from long stretching roots of alcoholism. We made a decision 14 years ago to break the cycle and have been blessed with a great life.
Today, I find myself carrying a burden that I do not know if it is mine to carry. Let me give a quick run down of the situation.
My brother-in-law is an alcoholic in denial. He has never grown up. He is good looking, has a great personality and can sell ice to an eskimo. Did I mention he is in denial about his drinking? He drinks every day, he has had trouble holding jobs in the past. Great jobs, career positions, not just your pass the time jobs. He was dishonorably discharged from the Navy for drinking. He lost his job at the railroad for drinking. It goes on and on.
He has 2 daughters. Signed over parental rights to the oldest one because it was easier for his bank account, and easier to take the cowards path.
He married the other daughter’s mom. When their daughter was 7, his wife divorced him. She was diagnosed with breast cancer before she made the decision to end their marriage. She battled it with courage and the will to live for her daughter. She lost that battle 3 years ago.
Her worst nightmare was that he would continue to be an alcoholic and their daughter would suffer the consequences. I promised her I would be there as much as I could for my niece.

Fast forward: 3 years have passed, my niece is now 15 and it is a real living nightmare.
Her dad remained unemployed for almost 2 years, milking the unemployment benefits and getting the SSI each month for her, from her mothers death. He has cheated through 3 semesters of college, dropped out, and now is working again. My niece is in high school and her boyfriends parents sell medical marijuana for a living, and she thinks their home is more stable than her own dad.

I have tried offering her a place to live with my family, we have a nice, large home. Several other family members have done the same. She is now at the age where she has made the choice of preferring her boyfriend and friends over the security of the stability her family has offered to her. She uses her dad’s alcoholism to her benefit now.
She used to play all kinds of sports. She used to participate in extra activities and clubs at school. She used to love to be around her family, and now she avoids us because her dad will put restrictions on her if she ends up telling us something inadvertently that he has neglected to do, whether it has to do with school or sports, or any extra activities.
He provides no guidance to her, if it doesn’t fit with his drinking schedule. He lets her go with anyone if it frees up time for him to drink socially. If he does ground her, it doesn’t matter because it lasts only until his next scheduled episode of drinking. (Daily)
His bad habits have rubbed off on her. She has no work ethic. She is not motivated to do better than what she has been shown. He has not taught her to plan for the future, to look forward to her future.
I hired her at my company and a she tried pulling my heart strings and ‘setting’ her own hours. I put my foot down and told her the supervisor in the department she was working in was in charge of her hours and would have to discuss those changes with her immediate supervisor. Her employment was based on us finding jobs for her to do. It is not a huge business, it employs about 15 people on average.
I had her supervisor call her to ask her to come in to work this week. She would not reply to her. She doesn’t want to work, apparently.
My niece has a twirp formal dance coming up. This is the one where the girl pays. She wants to do drivers ed -which costs 200.00 if you take it during the school year. Those 2 things combined is an easy 500.00 bill. (Her dad is constantly robbing Peter to pay Paul – in regards to his financial situation and recent bout of unemployment).
Meanwhile, the same day she was asked to come back to work, she texted & asked me to take her shopping for a prom dress and also mentioned that she would like to now look for the Ugg Boots I told her I would buy for her, at the beginning of the school year.
When I tried asking her dad why she wouldn’t reply to her supervisor about work, he wouldn’t discuss it. I then told him I had stuck my neck out for her and her lack of a reply was rude and I wanted to know why she didn’t want to come in. I was then told to mind my own business, that it was her loss. What?
He knows she asked me to take her shopping. So it’s ok for her to not work for anything, but instead expect family members to buy her things because we feel bad because she lost her momma and lives with an lying alcoholic.
I need to let go of this burden. I know I can’t change him. I could care less if he spent the rest of his days drunk if it was only him. But my niece, she is a child, and she did not choose this life. She was dealt an unfair hand, she has support and outlets, but she now has come to the point in her life where she is faced with which path to take, and it is not the one we had offered her, or hoped for.
I am helpless to his addiction. My heart is heavy, my anger burns, I feel like I have to fight for this child who doesn’t want me to. I feel like I have to do this for her mother who cannot be here for her.
Advice? It is to the point where he avoids all of us, so getting her to Al-ateen meetings would be nearly impossible.
What else can I do? I try to be there for her, but our visits usually end up with me buying her things she wants. With all the other emotions, she is now old enough to know right from wrong, and I am beginning to feel used.

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