What to Say to an Alcoholic that is Out of Control
Photo by yolagringo
If you have a friend, spouse, or loved one that is an out-of-control alcoholic, what can you say to them?
Here are some of our typical pleas:
“You have to stop drinking.”
“You’re going to kill yourself if you keep drinking.”
“Your drinking is killing me.”
“Your drinking is tearing apart the family.“….and so on.
First of all, none of the above is actionable for the alcoholic. They are trapped in a cycle and probably can’t even bring themselves to care about many of the consequences you are threatening.
The truth of the matter is, you have very little verbal control over an alcoholic. Things that you say will have very little control over them, even if they are sober when you say them.
So what can you do?
The healthiest decision you can make is for yourself. That decision is for you to be healthier in terms of your relationship to the alcoholic.
There is nothing you can say that will make someone magically stop drinking.
However, there are several things you can do. Some of what you can do involves verbalizing your intentions to an alcoholic. Your intentions. Not verbalizing demands for them to change their behavior. Merely what you intend to do, given their behavior and/or their drinking.
Photo by jb_brooke
Assessing your relationship with the alcoholic
Ask yourself this gut-wrenching question: “Is my intention to continue in this relationship with them regardless of whether or not they continue to drink?”
If you don’t intend to continue associating with this person, then set a limit. This limit is for your sanity, not theirs. For example, “if you don’t get help by the end of this month, I’m walking away from the relationship.” This is a firm limit with actionable consequences. Don’t make this type of threat unless you fully intend to follow through with it though.
Remember that there are essentially only 3 possible outcomes between you and the alcoholic:
1) They recover and stop drinking.
2) You leave.
3) The relationship continues with the alcohol and the chaos.
So you might stop and do some thinking. Long term thinking. Do you really want to be in this same situation, say, 10 years from now? Given the possible outcomes, there are essentially only 3 things you can say to an alcoholic:
1) “Keep drinking.”
2) “I’m leaving.”
3) “Get help by next Tuesday or I’m leaving.”
Let’s take a closer look at #3, which is setting limits and boundaries. Unfortunately, many people are not in a position to be making ultimatums. There might be things that are holding them back from doing so. Financial concerns, breaking the family apart, having no place to go–these are all things that might keep someone trapped in an unhealthy relationship. There are 2 steps to overcoming these types of fears that hold you back:
1) Build self-esteem
2) Find support (outside of the dysfunctional relationship)
If and when you decide to make the healthy decision to stop the madness, you will then have to determine exactly what is acceptable to you and what isn’t:
Decide on your boundaries and set limits
Decide what your limits are, then discuss them with the alcoholic. Your limit might not be “I’m leaving,” but rather “I’m not bailing you out of jail any more” or “I’m not going to be around you when you’re drunk” or something similar. Your limit is not a punitive consequence–instead, it is a limit you are imposing to save your own sanity. Don’t make it about them. It’s about you staying healthy. The limit you set should directly reduce the amount of chaos you have to experience due to their drinking.
Make your intentions clear, and be prepared to follow through with them. Don’t make threats that you don’t have full intention of carrying out if necessary.
Isn’t there some other way to change someone’s behavior?
No, there isn’t. Consider the following thought experiment: Say you enjoy taking walks in the park every day. The weather is nice, it’s good exercise, and you have plenty of extra time for these walks. But then someone in your life demands that you stop taking these daily walks. You resist. Conflict ensues. You think to yourself “I should be able to keep taking my walk every day if I want to!”
That is the exact same reaction that the alcoholic has when you tell them to stop drinking. “But,” you say, “Drinking is so bad for them, and it’s destroying their life! My walks are healthy for me!” That doesn’t matter. Just because you think you know what is best for someone doesn’t make a bit a difference. It all has to do with a little something called free will. You wouldn’t let someone else control you….so what makes you think you can control someone else?
Alcoholism is not logical. Therefore the alcoholic will not listen to reason. They will not hear your well planned arguments about why they should recover and live a better life. You can promise them the world and it won’t matter. They are trapped. They are stuck. They cannot hear your arguments.
Save yourself first and stop contributing to the cycle. More help here.
KT Says:
Very wise words about setting the limits. I just set my boundary with an alcoholic friend as “I will not talk to you when you are drunk, I will only talk with you when you are sober”. I explained I love talking with her very much when she is straight. I didn’t bring up the round-and-round we go, slough of self-pity she gets into after a bottle of wine or 2. I did tell her the “wine talking” can get very hurtful. I also apologised for anything I may have said done to upset her etc .. (because along with everyone else, I am to blame for something….) Nevertheless, this alcoholic friend then ditched me. But happily – this actually feels like a relief. I know that should she ever choose to address her problem I will hear from her again. But right now I have drawn my line – and I no longer have to pamper the alcoholic ego that demands everything is someone else’s fault. phew!
kurtis Says:
I have had my first experiance with an alcoholic I have become very close to this person yet I cannot take the verbal or mental abuse that she imposes on me.She is now out of control and drinks around the clock.I feel awful just giving up on her I dont want anything bad to happen to her. She is like a child in a womens body and she refused to listen. I have lost weight and find myself an emotional wreck. I have tried all of the above comments in trying to help her and nothing seems to work. She says she is an alcoholic and thats the way it is, take it or leave it Am I really doing the right thing by leaving it
Haley Says:
my mom is an alcoholic and she NEEDS help. i am out of ideas i have tried talking to her and tell her how i feel i have dumped all the bottles of wine, beer, whiskey, vodka everything that she has and she still doesn’t get it. she drinks around 3 bottles of wine every night and has shots of whiskey and red bull and the outcome is HELL for me. what should i do?
Patrick Says:
Haley you are in a tough spot and even more so if you are very young. I would ask for support from others and try to go to an Ala-teen meeting if you can find one. If you are older then just go to Al-anon. This is your best bet.
Judy Says:
Haley,
Don’t keep your moms drinking a secret. Tell aunts, uncles, friends. My niece recently told me about her moms drinking. Her mom is my sister. Since our family got involved, my neice finally feels she has support. You can’t stop your mom’s drinking but you can get the help you need. You are important so take the best care of your emotional health by reaching out to others. Even if you feel your mom will be irrate, you can tell her that the affects of her drinking is a part of your life too and you are not keeping that part of your life a secret because you need support.
Emily Says:
My advice after having an alcoholic mother, marrying a man that abused alcohol and changed dramatically and eventually I left after many many years of marriage, I got involved in a recovering alcoholic who is no longer in recovery and denies it. He lied to me, verbally and emotionally abused me and has now lost everything again…except his mother, who is elderly. I have been out of it for 6 weeks and although it has brought up feelings from my childhood , and I did really love this person, sometimes the grief is overwhelming, after reading sites like these I feel very grateful I had the guts to set boundaries and let him go. For every alcoholic there is, 6 lives are dramatically affected, either family, extended family or work etc. Very often sporting clubs as well. take good care and get support from Al-Anon and build a new life for yourself. they will only stop when they want to. Even if they abuse people, their drinking is their first priority.
MJ Says:
I have a dear friend…I’ve known him since 5th grade and we dated for a short time when we were 22ish. He was in the Navy while we were dating so were apart most of that time. We both drank, but I realized it was a problem for him when he came home on leave after getting back from West Pac. I found out he’s been drinking since early high school. His mother lost a long battle with breast cancer our senior year, his first year of college his room mate died, and then a youth pastor at his church passed away. Then he entered the Navy. A blessing and a curse. His last two years in the Navy was where I came in…wrote him every day. Fell hopelessly in love with him. He got out of the Navy in 1997, moved back home. I started going up to see him at the bar where he worked, just trying to get him out, go for a walk – anything! Finally, he told me that I was a good influence and he didn’t want to be around any good influences – did not want to drag me down. I guess he knew where he was going? We lost touch for 12 years. Not that I didn’t try to find him – I did. Everytime I would see or talk to his parents – it was the same…’He’s doing well.” But I would here from people that he was showing up to work drunk…the owner himself put him thru treatments. There was not a day that went by in the last 12 years that he did not cross my mind…where is he? How is he? Yes, I moved on, but I believed it was my fault…that maybe I pushed him farther into drinking, why couldn’t I save him? Why didn’t he want to be saved? So, this Christmas, I sent a note to his sister via FB. She replied in 14 minutes. She had acutally called him, read him my letter and he said he would love to catch up. It took me a few days to compose my letter but I got it sent off and he called me tuesday before Christmas. His dad had gone to KS to get him and he was in town – could we get together? Of course! I was hoping this would be it. Granted – I am engaged to a wonderful man. But I I believe that my friend needs to know that there are people that care. (wow – this is long – sorry) I did not expect to have this avalanche of emotions and memories to crash in on me like they did. And when I saw him, I did not recognize him. He had always been a soccer player, was always in shape and had great arms. But…he had a medium goatee, mustache and had gained maybe 30 pounds? Beer gut? or…he is on disability due to severe back problems, bad seizures…I’m not even sure what is all wrong. He’s had 3 OWI’s, so he doesn’t drive. He lives where the closest family and friends are 3 1/2 hours away. He did tell me that he’s been sober for 6 months now…actual meaning – he drinks now and then, but he hasn’t been falling down drunk. Okay, I’ll shorten this up…he goes back home after Christmas and calls me and tells me I was always a little ‘naive’. He doesn’t think my fiancee is good enough for me…blah blah blah. So I wrote him that he was not being fair…I kind of let him have it. So, now I’m wondering…I’m confused. In my letter I told him he was an alcoholic – like I did along time ago. But this time…he said my letter was harsh and that he was upset because I called him one. In the past 2 years, at one time he was a ‘cutter’. The proof was on his forearm. In the last 18 months, he totaled his truck. He was doing 75 on icy roads came up over a hill and slammed into a jack knifed semi. God only knows what else. And now he seems to be…I don’t know. He wants me to come down and visit him….he’ll pay for the gas. That’s not feasable. My fiancee has been very understanding, but that would not be okay on any level. What is he thinking?! And now I’m so afraid that he’ll do something stupid…He’s not the same and I guess neither am I. It’s like he’s only gone down, and you would think he would’ve hit bottom…He was very intelligent in school, in college he was majoring in aviation with a minor in biology – He had his pilot’s license! He came from a very well to do family. I know that the good person is still in there…somewhere. . .and like the last 12 years, it makes me very sad. He’s only 36. He tried to make me feel bad, I think, when I told him that it just wasn’t feasable for me to come visit him now. As we got off the phone, he sounded rejected and I told him to keep his chin up and have a good evening…he proceeded to tell me “yeah, I don’t think I will.” Seriously?! I think I know what I need to do…it just makes me sad. Thank you.
nikki Says:
My brother starting yelling and coming up to my face trying to justify why he is drinking and call me a so call masyia since i don’t drink. my kids were hiding expect for my oldest that had to hold him down since he came straight for me after telling him to leave. My two younger brothers too. what do i do or say? i saw photos of him abusing his girl friend too, last night. what do i do, please help.
Patrick Says:
@ MJ – I think you should get help from Al-Anon. I really think you should hit one of their meetings and share your story.
@ Nikki – Sounds like it could escalate into something much worse, maybe? I would consider trying to change your living situation so you are not around that level of violence. If he is abusive then you should seek help and advice from someone locally. Good luck.
MJ Says:
@ Patrick – Where do I start? I did attend all of one Al-Anon meeting. Throughout the rest of the winter, he continued to drink, and that was combined with his 15 or so Rx meds, like hydrocodone, trazadone, alonzapine, lomotrigene, clornazapam, 1000mg of B-12, Folic Acid, and Lithium…were just the ones I looked up. He continued to cut himself. But, shhh! Don’t tell his dad. Well, I didn’t and maybe I should have, maybe he knew. His family was very ‘private’. I can’t help but wonder, if only they had admitted to themselves and others a long time ago…but the “What If’s” are running rampant these days. Sometime in April, we quit talking…one of the last conversations I remember…I heard a woman in the background asking what his pain level was…and when I asked who that was he said “no one.” I asked where he was and he said “you don’t want to know”. He was in the hospital again, and out and in since, probably February. So, at the end of some of the conversations, he always said, well, I won’t bother you anymore, I’ll leave you along. And I don’t really remember talking to him in May, June, or July. I thought about him everyday…but knew that nothing I said would change his mind. I had suggested Teen Challenge, almost had a report like style, sent it to his sister, and she was offended that I thought they hadn’t tried treatments. I know they had, but they had not tried That One. They were applying the ‘Tough Love’…sort of. You see, I’m guessing that he also had some sort of mental illness, and in regular treatment centers, they only focused on his addictions. He called me about a month ago, I was not home and he left a message with my daughter. “Tell your mom that I’m sorry for all those times that I was a jerk.” That would have been around his 37th birthday. I did not call him back, I knew I should, I thought about it every day. I just knew it would take at least an hour and it would be totally draining…so, I kept putting it off. Horrible friend that I am, yet again, I messed up. On July 31, he had been sitting in the backyard with his neighbors by the firepit they had built…drinking of course. Around midnight, he grew tired and excused himself for the night. They found him the next morning, he died from an accidental overdose of Rx meds. I have heard that the past 6 months had been very hard…he would call his dad at 1 am and then again at 3 am some nights. His dad of course talked to him and calmed him down…about what, I will never know. However the last couple of weeks before his death, he had been better. He had even talked to one of our high school classmates for a few minutes the Thursday before he passed away. And that classmate said he had sounded so good – like he did in high school and no stuttering either. He had been mowing for an elderly couple behind his apartment building and had told them that when mowing season was over, he would be going into rehab. I have many regrets, and my heart is broken. They cremated him before they brought him home, so I was not able to get the closure that I need. It makes it feel like he’s still somewhere out there. They buried him 1 month after his birthday. I know I’m not very good at these things, maybe I could have somehow saved him if I was. But what I do know, if you need to tell someone you love them or forgive them or that you need to apologize to, Please do it. We are only promised today, not tomorrow. The things you think will drain you while here on this earth, don’t begin to compare to what drains you when you lose someone you love – naturally, accidentally or on purpose. As I go through the grieving process, I’m sure I will grow and look at things differently. And somehow, I hope my story. . .his story will help someone. He was a good man, with a heart of gold. If you were in need, he would help anyway he could, and he wouldn’t stop to count the cost. He was not violent. He had a lot of demons, for too long. People have told me that there was nothing I could have done, but I’ll never know that for sure…I believe I…I am selfish. I want to believe I would have made a difference. Just a phone call…that’s all I…a letter to brighten his day. I didn’t get the chance to tell him that I had forgiven him, instantly…I didn’t carry his wrongs against him, I never did. Thank you.
Patrick Says:
@ MJ – I agree with the others…..you should not beat yourself up for not making that call, or trying to do more to help him.
You see MJ, the emotional cost of making that phone call is a lot higher than you are giving credit for. It takes a lot of energy and even some sacrifice to be that involved with someone who is slowly self destructing. Do NOT beat yourself for keeping a healthy distance from him in order to maintain your own sanity.
I work in a rehab. I have worked there for 5 years. Before that, I lived there for 2 years. I have seen dozens die from this disease. We do what we can to help, but we have to put our own mental and emotional health FIRST. Anything else is mental illness or codependency. By what you said, I can tell that you are a good person and did what you could, while still keeping healthy boundaries.
Sober people are not supposed to bend over backwards to try and save an addict or a drunk. We do what we can and if that is not enough, then it is NOT your fault.
I think you are a good person. God bless
Laura Says:
My mum is an alcoholic and I have said all of the above to her and nothing works she just says she like’s to have a drink and if nobody like’s it thats their problem! I dont even mind if she still drinks a bit I just want her to slow down on it and she wont go and get any help! Im really on the edge of walking out of her life.