What to Say to an Alcoholic that is Out of Control
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If you have a friend, spouse, or loved one that is an out-of-control alcoholic, what can you say to them?
Here are some of our typical pleas:
“You have to stop drinking.”
“You’re going to kill yourself if you keep drinking.”
“Your drinking is killing me.”
“Your drinking is tearing apart the family.“….and so on.
First of all, none of the above is actionable for the alcoholic. They are trapped in a cycle and probably can’t even bring themselves to care about many of the consequences you are threatening.
The truth of the matter is, you have very little verbal control over an alcoholic. Things that you say will have very little control over them, even if they are sober when you say them.
So what can you do?
The healthiest decision you can make is for yourself. That decision is for you to be healthier in terms of your relationship to the alcoholic.
There is nothing you can say that will make someone magically stop drinking.
However, there are several things you can do. Some of what you can do involves verbalizing your intentions to an alcoholic. Your intentions. Not verbalizing demands for them to change their behavior. Merely what you intend to do, given their behavior and/or their drinking.
Photo by jb_brooke
Assessing your relationship with the alcoholic
Ask yourself this gut-wrenching question: “Is my intention to continue in this relationship with them regardless of whether or not they continue to drink?”
If you don’t intend to continue associating with this person, then set a limit. This limit is for your sanity, not theirs. For example, “if you don’t get help by the end of this month, I’m walking away from the relationship.” This is a firm limit with actionable consequences. Don’t make this type of threat unless you fully intend to follow through with it though.
Remember that there are essentially only 3 possible outcomes between you and the alcoholic:
1) They recover and stop drinking.
2) You leave.
3) The relationship continues with the alcohol and the chaos.
So you might stop and do some thinking. Long term thinking. Do you really want to be in this same situation, say, 10 years from now? Given the possible outcomes, there are essentially only 3 things you can say to an alcoholic:
1) “Keep drinking.”
2) “I’m leaving.”
3) “Get help by next Tuesday or I’m leaving.”
Let’s take a closer look at #3, which is setting limits and boundaries. Unfortunately, many people are not in a position to be making ultimatums. There might be things that are holding them back from doing so. Financial concerns, breaking the family apart, having no place to go–these are all things that might keep someone trapped in an unhealthy relationship. There are 2 steps to overcoming these types of fears that hold you back:
1) Build self-esteem
2) Find support (outside of the dysfunctional relationship)
If and when you decide to make the healthy decision to stop the madness, you will then have to determine exactly what is acceptable to you and what isn’t:
Decide on your boundaries and set limits
Decide what your limits are, then discuss them with the alcoholic. Your limit might not be “I’m leaving,” but rather “I’m not bailing you out of jail any more” or “I’m not going to be around you when you’re drunk” or something similar. Your limit is not a punitive consequence–instead, it is a limit you are imposing to save your own sanity. Don’t make it about them. It’s about you staying healthy. The limit you set should directly reduce the amount of chaos you have to experience due to their drinking.
Make your intentions clear, and be prepared to follow through with them. Don’t make threats that you don’t have full intention of carrying out if necessary.
Isn’t there some other way to change someone’s behavior?
No, there isn’t. Consider the following thought experiment: Say you enjoy taking walks in the park every day. The weather is nice, it’s good exercise, and you have plenty of extra time for these walks. But then someone in your life demands that you stop taking these daily walks. You resist. Conflict ensues. You think to yourself “I should be able to keep taking my walk every day if I want to!”
That is the exact same reaction that the alcoholic has when you tell them to stop drinking. “But,” you say, “Drinking is so bad for them, and it’s destroying their life! My walks are healthy for me!” That doesn’t matter. Just because you think you know what is best for someone doesn’t make a bit a difference. It all has to do with a little something called free will. You wouldn’t let someone else control you….so what makes you think you can control someone else?
Alcoholism is not logical. Therefore the alcoholic will not listen to reason. They will not hear your well planned arguments about why they should recover and live a better life. You can promise them the world and it won’t matter. They are trapped. They are stuck. They cannot hear your arguments.
Save yourself first and stop contributing to the cycle. More help here.
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{ 24 comments… read them below or add one }
Very wise words about setting the limits. I just set my boundary with an alcoholic friend as “I will not talk to you when you are drunk, I will only talk with you when you are sober”. I explained I love talking with her very much when she is straight. I didn’t bring up the round-and-round we go, slough of self-pity she gets into after a bottle of wine or 2. I did tell her the “wine talking” can get very hurtful. I also apologised for anything I may have said done to upset her etc .. (because along with everyone else, I am to blame for something….) Nevertheless, this alcoholic friend then ditched me. But happily – this actually feels like a relief. I know that should she ever choose to address her problem I will hear from her again. But right now I have drawn my line – and I no longer have to pamper the alcoholic ego that demands everything is someone else’s fault. phew!
I have had my first experiance with an alcoholic I have become very close to this person yet I cannot take the verbal or mental abuse that she imposes on me.She is now out of control and drinks around the clock.I feel awful just giving up on her I dont want anything bad to happen to her. She is like a child in a womens body and she refused to listen. I have lost weight and find myself an emotional wreck. I have tried all of the above comments in trying to help her and nothing seems to work. She says she is an alcoholic and thats the way it is, take it or leave it Am I really doing the right thing by leaving it
my mom is an alcoholic and she NEEDS help. i am out of ideas i have tried talking to her and tell her how i feel i have dumped all the bottles of wine, beer, whiskey, vodka everything that she has and she still doesn’t get it. she drinks around 3 bottles of wine every night and has shots of whiskey and red bull and the outcome is HELL for me. what should i do?
Haley you are in a tough spot and even more so if you are very young. I would ask for support from others and try to go to an Ala-teen meeting if you can find one. If you are older then just go to Al-anon. This is your best bet.
Haley,
Don’t keep your moms drinking a secret. Tell aunts, uncles, friends. My niece recently told me about her moms drinking. Her mom is my sister. Since our family got involved, my neice finally feels she has support. You can’t stop your mom’s drinking but you can get the help you need. You are important so take the best care of your emotional health by reaching out to others. Even if you feel your mom will be irrate, you can tell her that the affects of her drinking is a part of your life too and you are not keeping that part of your life a secret because you need support.
My advice after having an alcoholic mother, marrying a man that abused alcohol and changed dramatically and eventually I left after many many years of marriage, I got involved in a recovering alcoholic who is no longer in recovery and denies it. He lied to me, verbally and emotionally abused me and has now lost everything again…except his mother, who is elderly. I have been out of it for 6 weeks and although it has brought up feelings from my childhood , and I did really love this person, sometimes the grief is overwhelming, after reading sites like these I feel very grateful I had the guts to set boundaries and let him go. For every alcoholic there is, 6 lives are dramatically affected, either family, extended family or work etc. Very often sporting clubs as well. take good care and get support from Al-Anon and build a new life for yourself. they will only stop when they want to. Even if they abuse people, their drinking is their first priority.
I have a dear friend…I’ve known him since 5th grade and we dated for a short time when we were 22ish. He was in the Navy while we were dating so were apart most of that time. We both drank, but I realized it was a problem for him when he came home on leave after getting back from West Pac. I found out he’s been drinking since early high school. His mother lost a long battle with breast cancer our senior year, his first year of college his room mate died, and then a youth pastor at his church passed away. Then he entered the Navy. A blessing and a curse. His last two years in the Navy was where I came in…wrote him every day. Fell hopelessly in love with him. He got out of the Navy in 1997, moved back home. I started going up to see him at the bar where he worked, just trying to get him out, go for a walk – anything! Finally, he told me that I was a good influence and he didn’t want to be around any good influences – did not want to drag me down. I guess he knew where he was going? We lost touch for 12 years. Not that I didn’t try to find him – I did. Everytime I would see or talk to his parents – it was the same…’He’s doing well.” But I would here from people that he was showing up to work drunk…the owner himself put him thru treatments. There was not a day that went by in the last 12 years that he did not cross my mind…where is he? How is he? Yes, I moved on, but I believed it was my fault…that maybe I pushed him farther into drinking, why couldn’t I save him? Why didn’t he want to be saved? So, this Christmas, I sent a note to his sister via FB. She replied in 14 minutes. She had acutally called him, read him my letter and he said he would love to catch up. It took me a few days to compose my letter but I got it sent off and he called me tuesday before Christmas. His dad had gone to KS to get him and he was in town – could we get together? Of course! I was hoping this would be it. Granted – I am engaged to a wonderful man. But I I believe that my friend needs to know that there are people that care. (wow – this is long – sorry) I did not expect to have this avalanche of emotions and memories to crash in on me like they did. And when I saw him, I did not recognize him. He had always been a soccer player, was always in shape and had great arms. But…he had a medium goatee, mustache and had gained maybe 30 pounds? Beer gut? or…he is on disability due to severe back problems, bad seizures…I’m not even sure what is all wrong. He’s had 3 OWI’s, so he doesn’t drive. He lives where the closest family and friends are 3 1/2 hours away. He did tell me that he’s been sober for 6 months now…actual meaning – he drinks now and then, but he hasn’t been falling down drunk. Okay, I’ll shorten this up…he goes back home after Christmas and calls me and tells me I was always a little ‘naive’. He doesn’t think my fiancee is good enough for me…blah blah blah. So I wrote him that he was not being fair…I kind of let him have it. So, now I’m wondering…I’m confused. In my letter I told him he was an alcoholic – like I did along time ago. But this time…he said my letter was harsh and that he was upset because I called him one. In the past 2 years, at one time he was a ‘cutter’. The proof was on his forearm. In the last 18 months, he totaled his truck. He was doing 75 on icy roads came up over a hill and slammed into a jack knifed semi. God only knows what else. And now he seems to be…I don’t know. He wants me to come down and visit him….he’ll pay for the gas. That’s not feasable. My fiancee has been very understanding, but that would not be okay on any level. What is he thinking?! And now I’m so afraid that he’ll do something stupid…He’s not the same and I guess neither am I. It’s like he’s only gone down, and you would think he would’ve hit bottom…He was very intelligent in school, in college he was majoring in aviation with a minor in biology – He had his pilot’s license! He came from a very well to do family. I know that the good person is still in there…somewhere. . .and like the last 12 years, it makes me very sad. He’s only 36. He tried to make me feel bad, I think, when I told him that it just wasn’t feasable for me to come visit him now. As we got off the phone, he sounded rejected and I told him to keep his chin up and have a good evening…he proceeded to tell me “yeah, I don’t think I will.” Seriously?! I think I know what I need to do…it just makes me sad. Thank you.
My brother starting yelling and coming up to my face trying to justify why he is drinking and call me a so call masyia since i don’t drink. my kids were hiding expect for my oldest that had to hold him down since he came straight for me after telling him to leave. My two younger brothers too. what do i do or say? i saw photos of him abusing his girl friend too, last night. what do i do, please help.
@ MJ – I think you should get help from Al-Anon. I really think you should hit one of their meetings and share your story.
@ Nikki – Sounds like it could escalate into something much worse, maybe? I would consider trying to change your living situation so you are not around that level of violence. If he is abusive then you should seek help and advice from someone locally. Good luck.
@ Patrick – Where do I start? I did attend all of one Al-Anon meeting. Throughout the rest of the winter, he continued to drink, and that was combined with his 15 or so Rx meds, like hydrocodone, trazadone, alonzapine, lomotrigene, clornazapam, 1000mg of B-12, Folic Acid, and Lithium…were just the ones I looked up. He continued to cut himself. But, shhh! Don’t tell his dad. Well, I didn’t and maybe I should have, maybe he knew. His family was very ‘private’. I can’t help but wonder, if only they had admitted to themselves and others a long time ago…but the “What If’s” are running rampant these days. Sometime in April, we quit talking…one of the last conversations I remember…I heard a woman in the background asking what his pain level was…and when I asked who that was he said “no one.” I asked where he was and he said “you don’t want to know”. He was in the hospital again, and out and in since, probably February. So, at the end of some of the conversations, he always said, well, I won’t bother you anymore, I’ll leave you along. And I don’t really remember talking to him in May, June, or July. I thought about him everyday…but knew that nothing I said would change his mind. I had suggested Teen Challenge, almost had a report like style, sent it to his sister, and she was offended that I thought they hadn’t tried treatments. I know they had, but they had not tried That One. They were applying the ‘Tough Love’…sort of. You see, I’m guessing that he also had some sort of mental illness, and in regular treatment centers, they only focused on his addictions. He called me about a month ago, I was not home and he left a message with my daughter. “Tell your mom that I’m sorry for all those times that I was a jerk.” That would have been around his 37th birthday. I did not call him back, I knew I should, I thought about it every day. I just knew it would take at least an hour and it would be totally draining…so, I kept putting it off. Horrible friend that I am, yet again, I messed up. On July 31, he had been sitting in the backyard with his neighbors by the firepit they had built…drinking of course. Around midnight, he grew tired and excused himself for the night. They found him the next morning, he died from an accidental overdose of Rx meds. I have heard that the past 6 months had been very hard…he would call his dad at 1 am and then again at 3 am some nights. His dad of course talked to him and calmed him down…about what, I will never know. However the last couple of weeks before his death, he had been better. He had even talked to one of our high school classmates for a few minutes the Thursday before he passed away. And that classmate said he had sounded so good – like he did in high school and no stuttering either. He had been mowing for an elderly couple behind his apartment building and had told them that when mowing season was over, he would be going into rehab. I have many regrets, and my heart is broken. They cremated him before they brought him home, so I was not able to get the closure that I need. It makes it feel like he’s still somewhere out there. They buried him 1 month after his birthday. I know I’m not very good at these things, maybe I could have somehow saved him if I was. But what I do know, if you need to tell someone you love them or forgive them or that you need to apologize to, Please do it. We are only promised today, not tomorrow. The things you think will drain you while here on this earth, don’t begin to compare to what drains you when you lose someone you love – naturally, accidentally or on purpose. As I go through the grieving process, I’m sure I will grow and look at things differently. And somehow, I hope my story. . .his story will help someone. He was a good man, with a heart of gold. If you were in need, he would help anyway he could, and he wouldn’t stop to count the cost. He was not violent. He had a lot of demons, for too long. People have told me that there was nothing I could have done, but I’ll never know that for sure…I believe I…I am selfish. I want to believe I would have made a difference. Just a phone call…that’s all I…a letter to brighten his day. I didn’t get the chance to tell him that I had forgiven him, instantly…I didn’t carry his wrongs against him, I never did. Thank you.
@ MJ – I agree with the others…..you should not beat yourself up for not making that call, or trying to do more to help him.
You see MJ, the emotional cost of making that phone call is a lot higher than you are giving credit for. It takes a lot of energy and even some sacrifice to be that involved with someone who is slowly self destructing. Do NOT beat yourself for keeping a healthy distance from him in order to maintain your own sanity.
I work in a rehab. I have worked there for 5 years. Before that, I lived there for 2 years. I have seen dozens die from this disease. We do what we can to help, but we have to put our own mental and emotional health FIRST. Anything else is mental illness or codependency. By what you said, I can tell that you are a good person and did what you could, while still keeping healthy boundaries.
Sober people are not supposed to bend over backwards to try and save an addict or a drunk. We do what we can and if that is not enough, then it is NOT your fault.
I think you are a good person. God bless
My mum is an alcoholic and I have said all of the above to her and nothing works she just says she like’s to have a drink and if nobody like’s it thats their problem! I dont even mind if she still drinks a bit I just want her to slow down on it and she wont go and get any help! Im really on the edge of walking out of her life.
Laura, my Mum is an alcoholic too and the reason I haven’t left is gilt cos I can’t do it to her or my Dad. My Dad is so lonely and is now staring to drink too as my mum is always drunk so I now have both alcolic parents. I’ve just had a baby and now have to do something as I can’t cope with the worry and looking after my baby so I am going to set boundaries and say I am never cming to stay with you but will cme to a b&b and see you when you are sober. The only thing that vaguely helps me is reading other peoples stories and realising there are so many others in the same position. Sounds like you could do with setting some boundaries to help your own sanity as you sound as sad as I am. Please do, for your own sake and then you might not have to walk out on your mum and never see her againxxxx
I started typing this really long story about how bad of an alcoholic my mom was, but then I thought about how many other people on here already know what i’m going to say next….
I just needed to say thank you for helping me save my mom.
P.S. God it feels so damn good to see the look on your moms face when she finally realizes what a loud, mean, hurtful, dumb bitch ho ABUSING wine made her to be haha.
I have recently begun setting limits wiht my alcoholic, who is my boyfriend and my son’s father. Through the help of my counselor and recently attending Al-anon meetings, I’ve found the strength to take care of myself instead of trying to change his behavior.
My limit with him is that he is not allowed to comsume alcohol in my house, nor is he allowed to come over after he’s been drinking at all.
Limit one, easy. Limit two, not so easy, as I found out today. I’ve been with him for many years and think I know his symptoms, but now I’m not sure. He also smokes weed, but it has a different effect on him than alchol. So today he came home and I found myself much to worried about assessing his physical, emotional, and mental state to see if he had been drinking or not. He said no, but I’m not sure I believe him.
So, do I change my limit? I’m thinking I will have to. If I suspect he’s been drinking, he’s gone…which leaves room for error, but I can’t trust him to tell me.
Tara, I understand what you’re going through. I have been off and on with my ex bf for 3.5 yrs. He has pretty much been drinking heavily the whole time, binge drinking. Except for a couple months at the end, btu then he was so restless all the time, and not getting therapy, not going to AA meetings…I knew he was drinking when he went back to his place. He told me “You stifle me” -I couldn’t take it so I ended it. Of course, once he was away from me he started binge drinking again.
The problem with setting boundaries and limits, instead of just walking away, is that you can’t trust an alcoholic or addict. You will tell them, don’t drink around me or don’t drink in my house-they’ll just hide it. They lie about everything. Before you know it, you’re going crazy and feeling like they are “gaslighting” you.
I think walking away is the best thing to do. It also lets them feel the consequences of their behavior.
i was with a alcoholic for 3 yrs it was the worse thing i had ever been thru in my life . for the first seven months we were together i did nt no she drank everyday because i worked out of town .i leave on mondays and come back on fridays. so when my job out of town ended i was home for good and then i noticed the the problem but i was in love with her and didnt want to leave because of that and i would fell like a coward if left her and did nothin to try to help her with problem . so i stuck around and for another yr shit seemed to get worse there was nothing !!!!!!! i mean nothing !!!!!! i could say to her that this fucked up addiction his destroying everything .so i walked out and neved came back i was killing my self watching this happen , so people out there if ur dealing with this problem .. you need to worry about ur self trust me it will be the move for you leave dont stick around if u know there is a problem it will make u sick
I was in a relationship for 25 years with a alcoholic. He is a MLCer and got involved with a 25 yr old ex meth addict turned alcoholic. Funny how you care for these people and they do these things to the people who are closest to them. I finally divorced him. It was very hard due to the fact the girl is very proud of her drinking and her getting the guy..Well I have seen some aweful thing since then. I just dont understand the denial, anger, and self distruction. Any one have any ideas on why the lying, cheating, and the narcicisim? I have not attendend any Alon meetings, however seeing this page I may to better my understanding of the Alcoholic- Co dependent relationship.
Thank You all and God Be with All of you
Blessings
OK… so I’ve been doing my research… but nothing seems to apply completely to my situation. My father is an alcoholic. His health is shot. He has been given the miracle of life, TWICE. He is literally knocking on deaths door everyday. The doctor at the hospital told him, the first time, that people come in with his condition, on 1 in 3 make it. And this has happened twice. Lost story on the condition, basically his liver is shot, kidneys are a wreck, he has varicose veins growing up through his liver, through his esophagus, when he drinks, the veins get bigger and bigger until they explode. The last time this happened, the ER doctors were frantic to save his life, he had lost over half the blood in his body, and was barely brought back. So as you can see, I don’t really have the time to wait for him to admit he has a problem. The doctor has told him he has a problem, he admitted he had a problem in the hospital… but it is still going on, so he going to have to admit he still has a problem? I don’t know what to do or say to him? Do I talk to him on my own? Do I call on family for an intervention, do I call a daytime talk show for help? I need help and I need it now.
Thanks for any advice.
@ Andrea – That sounds like an extreme case and I think you are right, you don’t have the luxury of waiting for him to admit to his problem.
I would contact legal help and see if you have the option of committing him in your state for substance abuse. (Some states can and some cannot). Then look into the argument that you can commit him for danger to himself.
Good luck.
Hi. I’ve read all these posts up here & it’s nice to know we’re not the only ones. I have a daughter who is almost two years old & I’m 23 years of age. I feel older than that considering what I’ve experienced. I’m an alcoholic in recovery. It’s been almost ten months come November this year.
My daughter’s father & I had drank together a few times before in the past. It didn’t take him much to realize that I have the chip the size of Rhode Island on my shoulders. One 40-oz in my system, the past would be reeling through my mind like a huge snowballing effect just waiting to drown me in a tidal wave & no way out.
There is a way out if you realize what you’re creating yourself to be…a monster, someone who you never wanted to be.
I never wanted to be anything like my Mother as I was growing up. She literally chose alcohol over me & my older sister numerous of times. It really hurt each time. This is our Mother who is supposed to care & nurture for us. She had a lot of her own problems that went way back into her childhood then her Mother (my grandmother) had her problems that went way back into her childhood as well. I guess it just really c0mes down to YOU breaking the CYCLE.
We are all part of a cycle. A sick cycle that could suck us in & throw you around like a rag doll with no direction if you choose alcohol to be into your life.
So yes, Mom beat us up. Mom let us live with her older brother who happened to be a pedophile & molested us for over a year while Mom was in the half-way house for multiple DUI’s. Yes, Mom would get extremely intoxicated & breathe false drunken accusations down my neck for hours until she’s near to passing out. Yes, Mom left me black eyes & tried cutting my head off because I walked in on her having intercourse with some random gross man she brought home from the bar, even though she’s married to someone else who is gone for two weeks at work. Yes, Mom was never there & she never opened her eyes to the train-wreckage path she’s left in our lives.
I realize all this. I accept that this hurts me. If it hurts me, then I remember as a six year old child that I was, I feel betrayed. I feel alone. I feel unloved. It was all because she continually chose alcohol over her own daughters.
I really…fully…wholeheartedly realize this.
I’m breaking the cycle today. I’m breaking the cycle tomorrow.
I will never let my daughter see what I’ve seen. I will shelter my daughter from the darkness. After all, nothing grows in the dark. I will love her to the very best that I can without alcohol in my life. I want her to know that she is more important than alcohol & I’m not going to be the selfish one & betray my own self after what I’ve been through.
Every bad thing that ever happened that I can pin-point in my life & anyone else beside me, it ALWAYS came down to the source of alcohol. Always, every single time.
If my daughter is a blessing,
why will I let her live life like it’s a curse?
Okay, like I said…I’m recovering.
Why should anyone do that with their own actions?
Ah, familiar stories of childhood memories. My husband and I both come from long stretching roots of alcoholism. We made a decision 14 years ago to break the cycle and have been blessed with a great life.
Today, I find myself carrying a burden that I do not know if it is mine to carry. Let me give a quick run down of the situation.
My brother-in-law is an alcoholic in denial. He has never grown up. He is good looking, has a great personality and can sell ice to an eskimo. Did I mention he is in denial about his drinking? He drinks every day, he has had trouble holding jobs in the past. Great jobs, career positions, not just your pass the time jobs. He was dishonorably discharged from the Navy for drinking. He lost his job at the railroad for drinking. It goes on and on.
He has 2 daughters. Signed over parental rights to the oldest one because it was easier for his bank account, and easier to take the cowards path.
He married the other daughter’s mom. When their daughter was 7, his wife divorced him. She was diagnosed with breast cancer before she made the decision to end their marriage. She battled it with courage and the will to live for her daughter. She lost that battle 3 years ago.
Her worst nightmare was that he would continue to be an alcoholic and their daughter would suffer the consequences. I promised her I would be there as much as I could for my niece.
Fast forward: 3 years have passed, my niece is now 15 and it is a real living nightmare.
Her dad remained unemployed for almost 2 years, milking the unemployment benefits and getting the SSI each month for her, from her mothers death. He has cheated through 3 semesters of college, dropped out, and now is working again. My niece is in high school and her boyfriends parents sell medical marijuana for a living, and she thinks their home is more stable than her own dad.
I have tried offering her a place to live with my family, we have a nice, large home. Several other family members have done the same. She is now at the age where she has made the choice of preferring her boyfriend and friends over the security of the stability her family has offered to her. She uses her dad’s alcoholism to her benefit now.
She used to play all kinds of sports. She used to participate in extra activities and clubs at school. She used to love to be around her family, and now she avoids us because her dad will put restrictions on her if she ends up telling us something inadvertently that he has neglected to do, whether it has to do with school or sports, or any extra activities.
He provides no guidance to her, if it doesn’t fit with his drinking schedule. He lets her go with anyone if it frees up time for him to drink socially. If he does ground her, it doesn’t matter because it lasts only until his next scheduled episode of drinking. (Daily)
His bad habits have rubbed off on her. She has no work ethic. She is not motivated to do better than what she has been shown. He has not taught her to plan for the future, to look forward to her future.
I hired her at my company and a she tried pulling my heart strings and ‘setting’ her own hours. I put my foot down and told her the supervisor in the department she was working in was in charge of her hours and would have to discuss those changes with her immediate supervisor. Her employment was based on us finding jobs for her to do. It is not a huge business, it employs about 15 people on average.
I had her supervisor call her to ask her to come in to work this week. She would not reply to her. She doesn’t want to work, apparently.
My niece has a twirp formal dance coming up. This is the one where the girl pays. She wants to do drivers ed -which costs 200.00 if you take it during the school year. Those 2 things combined is an easy 500.00 bill. (Her dad is constantly robbing Peter to pay Paul – in regards to his financial situation and recent bout of unemployment).
Meanwhile, the same day she was asked to come back to work, she texted & asked me to take her shopping for a prom dress and also mentioned that she would like to now look for the Ugg Boots I told her I would buy for her, at the beginning of the school year.
When I tried asking her dad why she wouldn’t reply to her supervisor about work, he wouldn’t discuss it. I then told him I had stuck my neck out for her and her lack of a reply was rude and I wanted to know why she didn’t want to come in. I was then told to mind my own business, that it was her loss. What?
He knows she asked me to take her shopping. So it’s ok for her to not work for anything, but instead expect family members to buy her things because we feel bad because she lost her momma and lives with an lying alcoholic.
I need to let go of this burden. I know I can’t change him. I could care less if he spent the rest of his days drunk if it was only him. But my niece, she is a child, and she did not choose this life. She was dealt an unfair hand, she has support and outlets, but she now has come to the point in her life where she is faced with which path to take, and it is not the one we had offered her, or hoped for.
I am helpless to his addiction. My heart is heavy, my anger burns, I feel like I have to fight for this child who doesn’t want me to. I feel like I have to do this for her mother who cannot be here for her.
Advice? It is to the point where he avoids all of us, so getting her to Al-ateen meetings would be nearly impossible.
What else can I do? I try to be there for her, but our visits usually end up with me buying her things she wants. With all the other emotions, she is now old enough to know right from wrong, and I am beginning to feel used.
@Baloo- I can try to give you some insight. I just recently cut all ties to my alcoholic Mother, I am 31 and I have 3 children. In regards to your niece what she needs is stability and discipline. She is so used to being in a chaotic situation with the alcoholic parent that it has become her “normal” and obviously she has learned how to take advantage of certain aspects of that life. I understand she pulls at your heart but you should not give in and buy her things, she needs to learn responsibility which her Father obviously can’t show her, so look at it as you are teaching her necessities for life, which Im sure her mother would appreciate more than the pair of Uggs you promised her.
@baloo Is the boyfriend’s home unstable in some way? Telling me his parents sell herbs to cancer patients really doesn’t imply that. it merely implies that you disapprove.