What are some ways to help an alcoholic?
As you can imagine, everything has been tried before. Some stuff actually helps. Most things that we try, however, do not. Therefore, sometimes it can be useful to know what not to do. So, let’s take a look at what generally does not work:
1) Giving them money
Never give an alcoholic money if they are still actively drinking. Even if they need it for a “good purpose,” such as to buy food for their family, you should not do it. It’s always more manipulation on their part; money that they did spend on booze should have been spent on food, and if you give them money then you are telling them that it is OK to drink.
In short, never bail them out. Doing so only perpetuates their drinking.
2) Bargaining with them or threatening them
When it comes to dealing with the alcoholic, talk is cheap. Anything you say is completely worthless unless it is firmly backed up by action. So idle threats or trying to persuade them to back off in some way is completely ineffective. The only thing that matters is action.
One bargaining chip that people often play is to get them to drink less. Most people eventually figure out that this is a hopeless idea, even if the alcoholic genuinely agrees to try. Their condition prevents it. It is either abstinence or all-out drunk.
3) Helping them avoid the consequences of their drinking
Don’t do it. You’re actually hurting them. If they get a drunk driving and end up in jail, leave them there. Do not bail them out. If you deny them the consequences of their drinking, then they will definitely keep drinking. The only way that they might stop eventually is if they feel enough pain as a result of their drinking. Don’t ever deny them their pain.
This doesn’t mean you need to intentionally hurt them. They will do that on their own. Just don’t bail them out of situations that they have created by their excessive drinking. An alcoholic will not make this huge change if everything is going good in their life. People quit drinking when things get bad enough. If you prevent them from getting bad then the alcoholic will never change.
Now let’s take a look at what actually helps
Here are some ways to help an alcoholic that are actually beneficial:
1) Stop enabling them
This is probably the number one thing that you can do to help an alcoholic. When you enable them, you allow them to continue to keep drinking comfortably. You make it so that the easier path is to just continue to drink.
When we stop enabling someone, we make it so that the easier path is to take a look at their drinking. We do this by not bailing them out of jams and letting them experience the natural consequences of their drinking. Other things we can do to stop enabling them would include:
- No longer drinking or using drugs with them, ever.
- No more covering for them in order to help them out if their drinking is going to get them into trouble.
- No more making excuses for them
- Practice detachment by separating yourself from emotional turmoil that they create. Choose to not be a part of the chaos.
2) Set healthy limits and boundaries
Setting healthy limits is about deciding what is acceptable behavior to you. This is not about pointing the finger at the alcoholic and telling them what they should or should not be doing. Instead, you are going to decide for yourself what you will no longer put up with.
For example, if the alcoholic in your life typically comes home in a drunken rage, this might be something that you decide is unacceptable to you. So you set a limit. Then you communicate that limit and the consequences of that limit. You might say something like: “If you come home drunk again, I’m taking the kids and we’re going to go stay somewhere else for the night.”
Notice the following things about setting this boundary:
- It is communicated clearly
- There is a consequence that is also clearly explained
- The consequence is enforceable and is not a hollow threat
Never set a boundary that you do not intend to keep. Never threaten a consequence that you don’t intend to follow through with. If you do this will create problems and only perpetuate further drinking.
3) Practice detachment
Detachment is the goal of anyone in your position. The idea of detachment is to separate the person themselves from their disease of drinking. Making this clear separation in your mind will help you to change your behavior in such a way as to help the alcoholic.
Detachment is the idea that you can love the person and hate their disease of alcoholism. What you are detaching from is the emotional chaos and turmoil that their drinking creates. The idea is to remove yourself from that part of their life on an emotional level. Thus detachment is about freedom, for you. You are liberating yourself from their chaotic life.
Of course this is much easier said than done. Detachment takes practice. We have to analyze situations and ask ourselves if we are getting angry at the person or if we are getting angry at their alcoholism. If we are angry at the disease, then we need to stop ourselves and attempt to remove ourselves emotionally from that situation. This is detachment.
4) Encourage treatment
Finally, it can be worthwhile to encourage treatment for the alcoholic. It’s not worth making this into your life mission, but it can still be a useful effort on your part.
Encourage treatment without insisting, as we are almost never in a position to really insist anyway.
Encourage treatment without badgering, even though we probably think that we deserve to badger the alcoholic who has caused us so much grief.
Let them know that the option is there, when they are ready to get help. Do not let this idea of treatment turn into your only hope. Many alcoholics get sober without treatment. Others will find their own path. Remember that you can not do it for them.
When they are ready to change they will either change or ask for help. That is the time to act. That is the time to put forth a full effort in helping them. Not before then. Your efforts before this point of surrender are largely wasted.
Good luck to everyone out there. Let us know in the comments if you need help or advice with a specific situation.
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{ 21 comments… read them below or add one }
My 27 year old alcoholic son has lost 2 very good jobs in the past three weeks and has been evicted from his apartment today and probably will be spending the night out in the freezing cold. This is the 4th home he has lost in the last two years and the first time someone hasn’t been there to pick him up. I am holding on to your words with everything I have praying that by none of us helping him, he will get help. Thank you for your daily guidance.
That is a tough decision on your part and I know it can be hard to stand back and let them face the consequences. Sounds like you are doing the right thing though and hopefully this will spur him into action. Good luck to both of you…..
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I am just not sure when enough is enough. My husband has been through treatment probably 4 times. He was sober for almost 9 years, then relapsed post-surgically. It has been three years of promises broken and drunken escapades, and frankly I’m not sure where my vows before that preacher ends and I have given my all to the “worse” part of the “for better or worse” line. He has so many resources available to him, has wasted many, and I am quite simply exhausted. Don’t know what to do!
Seek help for you own sanity, Pamela, and in doing so you might find guidance that you need to figure out your relationship with him. It might not be time to leave, just time to set some limits and boundaries. Get to an Al-anon meeting if you can and share openly with them about it. Good luck to you and your husband both….
My son is 38 years old and just admitted to me that he is an alcoholic. He is not to the point that he has lost his job but he does drink beer almost everyday at some point. His wife is angry and feels like that he has neglected her and there son. I have tried to explain to her that alcholism is an adication. He has admitted he has a problem,and that it is tearing his family apart. His wife walked out the other night,would not answer her phone and pretty much stayed out all night. Of course when he couldnot reach her he became angry and said some things he shouldn’t on her voicemail. I told her by doing that she didn’t help the problem that we have to help him and incourage him to seek help. He has started AA and i told her I would go to Al-Anon with her. is there any other sugestions you have. I feel like if she doesn’t help in the matter he won’t get better but she says she is still so angry because he put his beer before her.
Hi Carolyn
It sounds to me like you might need to give his wife a bit of space. Cut her a break maybe, it sounds like he has put her through quite a bit. She might very well be hurting from his actions, even if he is starting to look to get help. I don’t know if it is fair to assume that she should snap to attention just because he suddenly says he is willing to get help.
I could be wrong on this….it is always nice to get support, but understand what she has gone through too.
I hope he can get some help though. Good luck to all of you….
My 29yr old son is an addict…he said he only uses alcohol but seems to be more…he has found a girl to live with and she is addict also. They both work to pay the bills but he is wasting away. He says he can handle it and can stop at any time. He enjoys it too much to stop as he is numb then. I am at my wits end. I have 4 kids all have problems. Their father is still livin and he is addict also at the age of 62. I just want to give up but my son needs help. Thank you so much.
I am 22 years old, and I think I might have an addiction to alcohol and marijuana but I have been unable to stop myself. They claim that marijuana is not addictive, but if I still haven’t been able to quit after all it’s put me through, I must be addicted. Even if it is just a mental addiction. The opportunity for me to smoke and drink is always there, even when I was struggling financially. When I tell my friends that I might have developed a problem, they disregard it and tell me that I should just enjoy myself because I am still young. But when I drink, I do not know when to stop. I spend all my money on alcohol, and my reason for getting out of bed every morning is looking forward to that drink later at night. My drunkeness has hurt a lot of my relationships, but I have people who love me and tolerate it, or I guess just don’t care. I just know that I need to stop. I am a very driven person and determined to succeed, but if I continue with this behaviour any longer, I’m not sure if I will make it. Does drinking excessively every night even constitute as an alocholic? Do I need to attend rehab or AA classes? I have a strong mentality, but when it comes to alcohol and marijuana, I have no control. It’s my kryptonite. How do I overcome this? I need answers from somewhere, any where.
@ Eileen – yes, it sure sounds like addiction runs in families with what you described there. Don’t give up on any of them because there is hope. Encourage your son to seek treatment.
@ Alexia – Marijuana is addictive, period. It is not as physically addictive as most other drugs, because there is not a lot of withdrawal symptoms (although there can be some). However, it is still a drug, and you are still self medicating and escaping reality and preventing yourself from growing if you use it.
It sounds like you are still having some fun with alcohol and Marijuana. At some point it will stop being fun. WATCH CAREFULLY for when that happens. Be ready for it. That is the time to quit.
Good luck.
my son is 24 and is extremely good looking he has always managed to get whatever he wants because he can sweet talk anyone. He has lost every job he has had because of alcohol, he has lost 10 of thousands of dollars and I do not see an end. Last monday he was so drunk he called a very good friend a beached whale and then laughed about it. This past weekend he was with his best friend (also an alcoholic) all weekend and they showed up at my house drunk. My son lives with me because he lost his place. I told him that he was not allowed in the house if he was drunk so they left and then showed up after midnight and tried to break in. They did not succeed but I have been watching them try for over 2 hours. It has just started raining and I think they have given up and are sleeping in his friends truck. I have thought about an intervention, I want him to know that people do care but we can not help him he. Please let me know your thoughts.
Does an alcoholic respond to an intervention? My son is very opposed to any kind of control over him since he was abused and extremely controlled by his father growing up. He rebels at anyone trying to tell him what to do. I am exhausted. His mother.
My son, who is 38 has been an alcoholic for 20 years. He has been in several rehabs, three times in jail for dwi and pi. He has been at Richmond Hospital in Richmond, In., most recently. Each time he would go right back to his addictions. His liver is shot. He moves furniture for a living and has since the age of 18. He works to feed his addictions. He has had Hep C for years from dirty needles. So obviously, his problems are not just alcohol. I pray for the strenghth to let this situation be put into God’s hands and truly believe that God is listening so I can sleep at night. Thanks
my girlfriend of 5 years drinks wine every night. its not just a glass, its to the point of slured speach sometimes, or i can always tell her eyes are really lazy and she tries to hold them open watching tv. if i’m gone and come home a little later, she will try to act like she has either had none or only one glass. last week i was taking my kids swimming and i had to get a swimming diaper for my 2 year old. i noticed a glass kind of hidden on the top shelf in my 2 year olds closet. i grabbed it and sure enough it had a little bit of vodka in it. then i was mad and i opened the clothes hamper below and guess what, 2 empty fifths of vodka, and 1 liter half gone. i had no clue. she has spent alot of time in there the last couple months, and says shes ironing. i confronted her about it and we got in this huge fight, and she screamed at the top of her lungs in my face for an hour at least. the things she said to me, i will never feel the same about her. i have been trying to get her to quit drinking for sometime now and its always ” i have cut back”. or some other excuse. i feel really betrayed by her, and her defense to the vodka is i hid it so you wouldn’t throw it away. i really feel like giving up on her after trying to help for several years now. no one in her family says anything to her about her drinking, in fact her sister and husband drink nearly every weekend. i feel like when i say anything about it or get mad about it they say its me that im insecure and controlling. i guess i just feel like its a lost cause anymore.
My husband is verbally abusive and my health was suffering from his alcoholism. He would tell me to leave and each time I would, he’d call and say he loved me and I’d go back once again. I now live with my daughter, I try to be nice but he only ends up hurting me once again. Today he cancelled my cell phone and sent me the car bill, the dentist bill and I’m already making the house payment on the house I can’t live in. I’m really stressed out, what should I do?
@Robby – that is tough, you have to decide if you want to continue with the madness or let her go. No easy answer on that one. You could make it into an ultimatum and say she has to get help or else, but that seems pretty lame really. It is your decision, not hers. She has not been willing to change up until this point, she may not be ready to change for several more years. Or, never. So sorry to hear about it, hope it works out somehow….
@Gloria – that sounds like a bum deal you are getting to me. I would figure out how to take good care of yourself first and work on you for a while. Maybe go to an Al-Anon meeting and see what they think. Sounds like you need to put Gloria first.
My husband of 9 months is an alcoholic. We have been together 5 years. So I knew he was an alcoholic when i married him. I even drank with him for the first 4 years we were together. I have gotten him out of so many messes and spent thousands of dollars getting his driver’s license back. We have a 7 month old son. My perspective has changed totally since son’s birth. My husband has off an on for the past year tried to get sober. Memorial day weekend he went totally overboard with the drinking and was so totally fed up with everything he wanted to kill himself. I drove him to the emergency room and he went in with help from the police. Was in a psych ward for a week. After that his sobriety was very important to both of us and he wanted to be sober more than anything. This past weekend he drank and has for 5 days straight now. I am not enable him anymore and am not allow him in our home drinking or drunk. He thinks i am so horrible and cruel that he can’t come home and “drink a few beers” and says thats part of the reason he is drinking this week. He asked me for money and cigarettes this morning and i said no. Am i doing the right thing? He called me this morning and said he didn’t want to get a divorce and guessed he HAD to stop drinking and would be at home sober this evening. I am at my wits end.
Hi Nancy
Yes that is a tough call right there. I might say something to him like “no, you do not HAVE to get sober. You know you have a choice. You can drink if you want to. But, if you do choose to keep drinking, here is what my actions are going to be.” Then just quickly outline your boundaries. That is probably the best route to go.
Now as to your specific boundaries, I cannot help you dictate those. It is a fine line between trying to help someone and enabling them. It is tough to help them and offer them help without being taken advantage of.
If you set your boundaries too firmly, then you might just create resentment and drive them away. On the other hand, set them too soft and they will walk all over you.
Only you can judge this fine line. I don’t know the specifics, nor could I. We are complicated people! Do your best to walk this fine line, I know it is tough. I always recommend error on the side of enabling, rather than being to tough. But that is me….what do I know–I am a drug addict too!
i am at a loss with my husband. he drinks, just not every night. but when he does, watch out. it gets worse and worse. it starts with 4 or 5 drinks a couple of times a week and by the end of a month he is going out 1 to 2 times a week and drinking at home the other days, only not 4 or 5 but 10 to 12 or more. i am trying to read on alcoholism, but was also told to read a book on codependency. does he have a drinking problem or do i have a codependency problem and just think he has a drinking problem or “make” him drink? but i am so confused with whether or not each of us has a problem or just one of us. am i a codependent or enabler? do i make him drink or does his drinking make me more codependent?
My 27 year old son is an alcoholic. He and his four year old son live with my husband and I. He has had one DUI and one PI and will go to court this month. I don’t know what the outcome will be but my husband continues to feel that if we will help him all we can he will someday realize that he has to quit and will take steps to do so. I have come to believe that he will have to suffer conquences for his actions before he will want to change. Both of us would make him move out of our house and be on his own but we feel we have to protect our grandson. I cannot allow him to take the boy for fear of what would happen to him. He is a very good father when he is sober but lately he has been drinking every day and he makes life miserable for all of us. I am between a rock and a hard place. People I have talked to say we have to kick him out because he is causing so much stress for us it is impossible to enjoy our lives because of the depression, anxiety and fear. But why should I make things better for myself and subject my grandson to more pain. I will do anything to protect that little boy. He is secure and happy and very loved here. I can’t take that away from him. Prayer and giving the whole situation to God helps but I need wisdom and strength and my husband and I need to get on the same page. Please advise.
Hi Gwen
I am not qualified to advise you on this. My only advice is to find someone more qualified to advise you. Seriously…I don’t have children myself, and I am not an expert at navigating a relationship like this one.
But I do know where there are experts at this sort of thing:
Al-anon meetings.