The Universal Paths to Failure in Recovery
Let’s continue on for a bit with the idea of fundamental principles in recovery. If we can spot similarities that all of us experience, then that can lead to new insight and deeper understanding of the recovery process.
If there are fundamental principles of success in recovery, is it possible that there are also universal paths that inevitably lead to relapse as well?
Now of course there are a million and one different situations that could lead up to a relapse, but in my opinion, the actual decision to return to the madness is going to come from one of 2 possible mechanisms: self pity or resentment.
The reason I say this is because every relapse is preceded with mental justification. The recovering addict or alcoholic, if they have truly been living in recovery, will not just pick up a drink or a drug on a complete whim. If they have found any sort of meaningful recovery in their life then they have some level of protection against a snap decision. They can still relapse (and many do), but it has to be preceded by an emotional and mental process first.
Because the addict needs justification in order to relapse, this indicates anger. In order to justify such an outrageous move as to go back to the insanity of using drugs or alcohol, the addict has to do an amazing feat of justification. It can only happen if a person is angry enough and they allow it to happen. So really there are at least 2 steps to the process:
1) A heightened emotional state where the addict or alcoholic has a lot of anger.
2) Mental reasoning born out of this anger where the person gives themselves permission to relapse. They justify it before they do it.
I see two distinct situations where this can happen:
1) When an addict is filled with resentment and cannot let it go, and
2) When an addict is filled with self-pity and cannot snap out of it.
These are just labels of course (resentment and self-pity), but they describe the dangerous conditions we need to watch out for because they are both obsessive conditions. They are both driven by anger, and they are both characterized by being stuck in a repetitive, obsessive mode. The anger is revisited, over and over again. Most people do not think that self pity is borne out of anger, but I have looked deeply at my own life and my own situation, and I believe that most of my self pity that I had was actually driven by anger on some level.
How can we avoid these traps that can lead to relapse?
There are different ways that we can strive to achieve emotional balance in our lives. But first we have to realize that some people are not even aware of their anger at all. Thus we might need to simply work on increasing our awareness and tuning in to what our emotions are doing at first.
Once we have learned how to listen to our own emotions and can start taking charge of them and take some corrective action, then we are in a position where we can actually protect ourselves from relapse. As you can see, simple awareness is a huge key to this. Identifying patterns of resentment and self pity is going to be important as well.
Self pity is a mental game that you play with yourself. It is not an emotion but rather an obsessive thought pattern that was born out of an emotion. You have a choice to control it and shut it down by simply refusing to let yourself go there. I know this because I had a strong tendency to engage in self pity myself, but learned to overcome it. This learning process that I went through was largely driven by discipline. I told myself I would not engage in self pity and so I stopped myself whenever I noticed the pattern. This worked for me.
I also used the idea of gratitude in order to overcome self pity. I forced myself to practice gratitude when I found my mind reverting to self pity mode. This also helped a great deal.
Tune in. Seek emotional balance. Correct when necessary.
Does anyone have any tips for overcoming resentments? Let us know in the comments…..
Keith Bray Says:
EVER HAD A CONFLICT??Wink
If you have never had deep conflicts within, you are a better person than me and most others! Some we feel overtly; some come from a place we are really not conscious of.
Very deep, sometimes quite forgotten, damaging emotional conflicts persist below the level of consciousness.
At the time of these occurrences, they may actually have given our emotions violent twists which have discoloured our personalities and altered our lives for the worse.
In the process of regaining the life I was meant to live, I had to revisit conflicts both conscious, and by digging deep through a guide, those which were buried in my subconscious. After discovering the conflicts, I had to write them down to get them into the light of day. I was shocked by some of the issues I rediscovered that I had never dealt with.
There is a huge new services business that has happened around us- Conflict Resolution through Mediation. This industry deals with many issues before “court action” occurs, and it works.
Personal coaching is similar, but involves one client at a time. There are conflicting “I” at work within, at least there were for me. We hear of Mr. Jekyll and Doctor Hyde, I had them at work. When I said things like I am mad at myself, who was mad at who? This was my internal conflict; you may be able to relate. I needed and got personal conflict resolution help and doing so may really help you. You are important.
Got an interest in talking about this subject? Email me at khbray@hopeserenity.ca for a confidential, no obligation chat.
Thought to Ponder . . .Serenity is not the absence of conflict but the ability to cope with it.
To my friends in the USA, have a great 4th weekend, don’t do anything that will cause remorse and be serene!!
Fawn Says:
This is what I did. Every time I heard something or read something about resentments I wrote it down. I had a list of maybe a hundred things. I carried it around and when a resentment hit me I would get that thing out and read down till I found something that helped. Sometimes it was a bandaid type thing and sometimes it was oriented around getting to the root of things. I think maybe the willingness to do something about the resentment was the key thing, not the fix itself. Also, practice for long enough and some of the positive behaviors become as much a habit as the bad ones.
Nat Says:
On a day to day basis I stay focussed on the things that are terrific in my life. Things that I am greatful to be able to experience. Iits simple stuff like a great song on the radio, a nice smell, a cute dog, people holding hands in the streets. I take time to look back on my goals and my achievements, thankfully this now takes up more space in my head than the resentments.
I find that by surrounding yourself with positive/happy people you forget about the negative influences and the odd choices you have made in the past. Time does heal, I agree that writing it down helps a lot because it gets the thoughts out of your head, where they can quickly get out of control and give you something to frown about.
Patrick Says:
Fawn and Nat, both of your ideas seem to led themselves towards a shift in attitude to cope with resentment….especially the idea about focusing on the positive.
If we practice gratitude daily we can really stay well protected from resentments ruining our lives I think. You cannot be both grateful and angry at the same time. You cannot be both grateful and feeling sorry for yourself at the same time.
Gratitude is the cure. The thing is, it takes practice.