Whether I was holding back or not is sort of a tough way to look at it. Some would say “I wasn’t ready” or “It wasn’t my time” or “I didn’t want it bad enough.” The simple fact is, I wasn’t willing to go to any length yet. It’s not that the pain wasn’t bad, but right up till the end I clung to the idea that I could fix myself. Not until I completely surrendered to the idea that I alone was not powerful enough to live without help. The decision to ask for help and live or check-out was a tough one. After that, every decision was a no brainer.

Suggestion: “You should go to treatment again.”

Me: “Sure.”

Suggestion: “You should live in an Oxford (halfway) house.”

Me: “Sure”

Suggestion: “Don’t worry about how much money you make and what job you have, just get a job. It will do wonders for your self-esteem.”

Me: “Sure”

Suggestion: “Hit your knees and pray every morning and night”

Me: “Sure”

Now that I know my true self, I hear the voice that tells me it will be different this time or “this” or “that” thing isn’t important. I listen closely to it today and I tell others what it’s saying to me.

Structural changes were extremely important and completely necessary for me.

It may not be the actual change (structure), but rather the willingness to make that change that is a crucial ingredient to continued sobriety.