Reader Mailbag – “Will My Relationship with an Addict Help or Hurt their Recovery? When Can I Start Seeing Them Again?”
An anonymous reader asks:
“My boyfriend of 8 months went into rehab a week ago. He is doing pretty good now. He says he wants to see me and I am really excited to see him in a better condition. But i am not sure seeing him so soon is such a good idea at this time? Will my presence be helpful or harmful to his recovery? I want to be there for him, but will a relationship (that has been going on for some time) be good for someone in rehab? If not, When will it be okay to see him again ?”
Good question, reader. Kudos to you for being so thoughtful about the situation and not just rushing ahead without thinking, I think you are already on the right track with how you are handling things.
Unfortunately, there is not a universal answer for this type of situation, because there is such a wide range of relationships that can occur in early recovery. You could have a couple that has been married for decades, or it could be two people who just met each other less than a week ago. These vastly unique situations would require a completely different approach, in my opinion.
You mentioned that you have been seeing each other for 8 months. This is a significant period of time, in my opinion. However, if you had just met him 2 weeks prior, my advice here would certainly be different (in that case, I would advise extreme caution and for both of you to give it much more time before moving forward).
However, in this case, I think 8 months is fairly significant, and so is your cautious and healthy-sounding attitude towards the situation. I think you will be fine as long as you don’t rush into things.
One word of caution – relationships as a replacement strategy
The creative theory of recovery states that a person needs some sort of replacement strategy in their life to overcome chemical addiction. The word of caution is that new relationships (with their euphoric stage of infatuation) make a very dangerous substitute for spiritual and personal growth.
If you continue in your relationship with your boyfriend, he might do well to ask himself: “What am I doing for my recovery today?” If the only answer he has for that is “My life is perfect when I’m with you,” (or something similar), then that could be a sign of caution. Any long term, real solution for recovery cannot hinge on another person. I’m not just quoting this out of literature, this is what I’ve seen, based on my own experiences. People who use a new relationship as their primary vehicle of recovery or sobriety inevitably fail.
So I don’t think you need to call the whole thing off or avoid him necessarily. But I would use some caution and watch to see if he is truly growing as an individual, or if he is just clinging to the relationship as a “spiritual substitute.”
Thanks again for the question and I hope that helps!
Does anyone else have any suggestions about how to proceed in these circumstances?
T Smith Says:
I have been dating my boyfriend for 2 months, and he is close to 6 months clean. Doing the math, we met early in his recovery. I have fallen in love with him and he feels the same way. Everything was going well until last night and today, he is questioning the fact that he loves me too much and if having our relationship and working the program is possible. (I think he is hitting the 6 month freak-out, as he has never been this clean this long, willingly) I, of course, think it is, given the facts he does not have the urge to get high and is mainly concerned with how to deal with all of the emotions life brings as a sober person. I am a strong believer that I can be a good support, not a crutch, person for him. He does not rely on me to stay clean and understands he needs to keep working the program to remain clean, become spritiual, and work on himself to be a better person. I do not keep him isolated, and strongly encourage daily meetings, which he attends religiously. I also encourage his participation in H&I and his other commitments and will continue to encourage him to work the steps, which he already does. He has a wonderful home group and a sponser he speaks with mulitple times a day. He is doing everything right and nothing horrible is happening right now, but is still freaking out. Again, I think it is the 6 month point, and his thoughts overwhelming him. I would really like to hear that a stable and constant person (me) being in his life will be good for him. But everything I’ve read cautions us against our relationship. He and I are both unsure as what to do, but do not want to lose each other in the process. I believe our HPs brought us together for a reason and would really like help/wisdom/knowledge as to what we can do to maintain a healthy relationship without jeopardizing ourselves. Thank you, T Smith
J Says:
I am in your same situation…he is in rehab and we met while he was in rehab. I know what he is doing, and I know that is the most important thing of all. The problem is that I am madly in love with him..I say it is a problem, because I haven´t feel this for anyone in more than 3 years now. How should I help him and give us a chance to make it work?
MRS VERY CONFUSED Says:
I AM VERY CONFUSED ON JUST WHAT TO DO ABOUT THIS HOLD SITUATION WITH MY HUSBAND OF TWENTY YEARS AND HIS DRUG ADDICTTION. HE HAS BEEN IN SEVERAL REHABS SO MANY I HAVE LOST COUNT WE HAVE THREE SONS TWENTY SIX,SIXTEEN,AND WE LOST OUR MIDDLE SON WHEN HE WAS FIFTEEN SIX YEARS AGO. MY HUSBAND FIVE MONTHS AGO DECIDED AFTER BEING CLEANED FOR ONE YEAR DECIDED TO LEAVE AGAIN AND AFTER NOT KNOWING HIS WHERE ABOUTS FOR ABOUT THREE MONTHS I GET A LETTER LETTING ME AND MY SONS KNOW HE WAS IN A NINE MONTH PROGRAM (HIS ADDICTTIION IS CRACK COCAINE).NOW I AM CONFUSED ON IF I SHOULD EVEN COMMUNICATE WITH HIM AT ALL OR SHOULD I JUST FILE FOR DIVORCE AND WALK AWAY, I AM TIRED OF HIM JUST WALKING OUT ON US THIS WAY DON’T KNOW IF I CAN TRUST HIM ANY MORE. PLEASE HELP ! WE ARE VERY SPIRITUAL IN CHURCH FAMILY AND VERY CONFUSED ON WHAT TO DO?
nikki Says:
i met my boyfriend 2 months before he went to rehab for opiod dependency,along with a list practicaly from A to Z, he stayed clean for 11 months ,then i noticed him changing attitude etc. i found a ballon and duster hidden in the closet,when i confronted him he denied it i went to bed next thing i know i hear a crash…. i ran to the bathroom he was in the floor flopping almost like a seizure with whippits and ballon in hand. i faught him for days asking why how etc. like an idiot i let him stay.( hes in out patient rehab /& on probation for 5 years for distrubution from a previous charge before i met him) i found pot in his coat confronted him he said its his freinds had a freind come get it…. i dont if hes lieing or not… i love him but i plan on doing something with my life getting a doctorate and he … well he has nothing he aiming for…he told me the other day he has an extremly addictive personality and once her starts something he cant quit…. doesnt that sound like an excuse? what is your advise… love isnt worth the heartahe,stress,mental anquish to put up with something like this is it? or can he ever get better? he is 25 im 23….
Patrick Says:
Nikki – it sounds to me like your boyfriend is not done using drugs yet. He has not had enough. He is still having fun with it.
Eventually it stops being fun and then he might ask for help on how to quit. I am afraid that you might be on a roller coaster until then.
When does that point occur? Could be 2 weeks, could be 40 years. Seriously. It might be that long. I know people who are over 70 and they are just now getting clean and sober from drugs and alcohol.
I would suggest you go to an Al-Anon meeting for more info….good luck.