Wow thanks for sharing all that…took some guts on your part. I think you are basically depending on his love for your own happiness. Obviously this is not working out great for you and so I would suggest that you take the hard road of learning to love yourself and love your life without him in it.

This is a hard road and I have traveled it myself. I am single right now and I am loving life and if and when someone comes into my life, I will not be in a super vulnerable position. Of course when we love anyone we make ourselves vulnerable to getting hurt, but if you have a solid foundation of loving yourself and loving life even when you are alone, then that is very powerful. I cannot be hurt as badly right now as I could in the past because I have worked on myself for a long time. I have pursued my own growth and I have been single for a while and I am comfortable in my own skin. I am not depending on another person’s love to make me happy. I do not need that love in order to be complete.

This is the point that I would encourage you to work towards. Let go of the idea that you might meet back up with this man or that you might not. If you do, you will get similar results unless you have done the work in your own life. If you get to a place where you are working on yourself every day and you have made real growth and your self esteem has increased a lot, then you might not even take him back if he came begging. You will move beyond that and know that you are worth so much more.

And you will attract “so much more” to you when you are making efforts at personal growth and building up healthy self esteem. I am not saying that this guy is trash or anything, but if you do the work on yourself and you grow over time then this sort of relationship will become much less appealing to you.

It feels so good to be loved. But it is a shortcut. The hard path is to love yourself and improve your life, so that no one can really hurt you to this extent any more. You can still love and you can still become vulnerable in order to find that love, but you need a foundation of self esteem that will protect you. If someone breaks your heart it should be upsetting but it should not “almost kill you.” That points to a lack of healthy self esteem. Put in the footwork and take positive action every day until you are healthy enough to love your life, with or without this man…..

Just my 2 cents of course…..good luck

The man I love is an addict and functioning alcoholic. He has come in & out of my life for over 4yrs now creating a cycle where he comes around, rocks my world, tells me I am exactly what he wants & says all the words I want to hear, words I love hearing. He moves in and things are incredible for a couple of months, a routine gets esablished and I feel great about me, about him, about us & i start TRYING to build a life together, But that is it. I start trying, he starts shutting down. He wakes in the middle of the night and can’t sleep. His stomache hurts form the ulcers. His interests involve going to work then the bar. He works a job that allows time to “stop in the bar” for a quick number play and beer at various times through out his day. After a period of time his interest in me seems to slow down. His interest in life seems to stop. He starts laying in bed more, getting up only to go to work & the bar & then staying at the bar later and later and the invitations to meet him become fewer and fewer. Our depression starts. I take care of him and the household responsibilities & my own private hell begins and I am walking on egg shells and “hoping” for the love, affection and attention to come back. Eventualy it disapates completely and he just stops comming home. I have never chased him. I have always just let him go without problems because this has been an on-going situation for me for a long while now & I think if he doesn’t love me he should go without problem and he will come back because he does love me. I am able to recognize the signs and I don’t want to see the flirtyness he does with other women at the bar and I don’t want to have him talk down to me in front of others or snap at me so I ask less & less to meet him too. He leaves.

A few months go by and my phone starts ringing late night again and before you know it he is reahcing for me at night back in our bed, inviting me around and we are happy again for a period of time then the cycle starts. I feel excluded and the reactions of me crying and wanting more of his attention and physical affection result in his anger, throwing up his hands and disappearing. Is this normal addict behavior? I love him very, very much but each time he leaves gets worse and worse for me…I keep myself in limbo, going through the motions of life till he comes back.

This past time I made a decision to love me more and changed the locks as well as my phone numbers, cutting all contact. I am hurting. Life is a daily struggle and I want to open the door again with him and peek in…but I am fearful that the cycle will start again and I will be left hurt again and that is what stops me at this point. Is this normal and will I get past this hurt? This time around he addmitted he loves me but something happens and his feelings change and he doesn’t know why exactly but he is sorry for hurting me and doesn’t want to continue hurting me so instead of just leaving without words this time he said the stuff I have mentioned. I love him. I would like him back. He moved a few months ago. How do I let go? When will I stop missing him? Right now I feel like he has the better life. He moved in with an other woman. She gets his love and affection and attention and I am crying all the time but I am not using coke or any other substance as I have in the past to get me by till he comes back. At this point I guess I want to know i mattered and that the words he said were not really worthless, all though his actions have never supported his words with me or anyone else in his life but I am curious if that is typical behavior of addicts and are my feelings also typical? My trust is shot. He has addmitted to “surviving” in his life and “forgetting” how to live. What would be your advice to me? There is no other man that makes me feel the way he does and it seems to be getting worse. I wonder where he is at, if he is happy now & if this is normal behavior for someone in my situation that just wants to love him and feel the love back in a continuos state. Am I wrong? It’s getting close to the time where he usually surfaces again. I am anxiety ridden and would love to believe he will come back & it will be for real this time, but I believed that last time & it nearly killed me. I am not strong enough to manage the hurt this causes again hence making the changes I did but part of me wants him to try to come to me. Are these normal feeling too? I have made a stand & have choosen to protect myself but I am wondering all the time if he is different with the other women he leaves me for or is he really happier where he is? Does she get the wonderful man I have seen and want and love? or will she get the cycle I have gotten for the yrs we’ve been in & out. I also wonder what is wrong with me that he can’t follow through with his feelings and take action to back up the loving words he says? What allows him to be great then push me away, become mean & leave only to come back again? I would like a better understanding of my story which you have heard many times over. thank you for listening one more time!

I can’t thank you enough for just listening & hearing my words & any help or insight you may have to offer would be greatly apreciated.

Sincerely,
Katie