Reader Mailbag: Is the Only Option to Walk Away From a Relationship With a Using Addict?
A reader who goes by “hlg” writes in and asks:
“I need help and fast. I am engaged to a man who I now realize is an alcoholic. A very verbally abusive and sometimes physically abusive alcoholic. He drinks about 3 times a week, so I didn’t think of him as an alcoholic at first…just a real jerk every now and then. The nights he doesn’t drink he is very distant and quiet. We not only are supposed to be married but we are opening a business together in 2 weeks which puts me in a huge mess. Somehow he has managed to get me to quit my job, school, take the majority of time away from my kids and he has complete financial control. I am an educated woman who worked in the medical field for over 13 years. I now depend on him for EVERYTHING. He seems to always start a fight with me so he can go drink at our store. I try so hard not to argue with him but he will find the lowest untrue things he can say to really tick me off. I thought I would just ignore him when he does this so now he just leaves and I don’t even know he’s gone until I notice his truck missing. No matter what I say he would not acknowledge he was an alcoholic. Last week he did finally admit he has to quit drinking because he “doesn’t get much done when he drinks.” Is this a sign that he may be reaching out? If so he is at the store tonight while I sit here crying trying to figure out if I should leave him or support him. we love each other very much and I don’t want to give up but I can’t seem to compete with this rotten disease. He is the very self centered poor me alcoholic. I can’t live like this and am not sure how to help him help himself. How do you get a person to see this is happening to them if they don’t want to see?? Is the only choice I have to walk away???”
Hi there hlg, thanks for your comment and your question. I think in this case, you need to focus on getting some help yourself first, before you do or try anything else. This is critical. You need to get some help, not him. It sounds to me like he is not in a position where he is ready to listen or ask for help.
You mention verbal and sometimes physical abuse. Again, you need to get help, not him. I would recommend that you find an Al-Anon meeting at the very minimum, and the people there might direct you to other resources as well that might address the abuse issue. Keep in mind that an untreated pattern of abuse always gets worse over time, never better (unless the person is sober and seeking help for it). It will always get worse over time if left untreated. You need to get some help.
Part of your getting help will be learning about boundaries and how to set them. You are not a doormat and do not deserve to be treated like one. It sounds like this person is particularly manipulative and you need to be able to stand up for yourself. The people at an Al-anon meeting can help teach you how to do this.
In addition, setting these boundaries will help you and him. He will see that you are not going to stick it out if his behavior continues, so it will force the choice on to him. He can then continue drinking or address his problem. But in order for this to happen, you need to go get some help first so that you have the knowledge and strength to execute on this plan. Understand that you are not going to make idle threats in the hopes that he will change; instead, you are going to lay down a firm boundary and stick with your decision. That might eventually mean that you walk away from everything, but perhaps that is what it will take for him to wake up and make some changes in his life. There are always possibilities down the road in that case, no? But it seems hopeless for you to cling to a broken relationship when he has no real incentive to change right now.
His admission that “he need to quit drinking” because “he’s not getting enough done” is just that–an admission. I used to admit I was an alcoholic all the time–but it took several more years until I really accepted that I was an alcoholic, deep down, and decided to finally do something about it. An admission does nothing as far as action goes. He can sit there and admit it all day long, and keep on drinking. This solves nothing.
So I think you ultimately have 3 options:
1) Change nothing and hope for the best
2) Walk away from the relationship
3) Go seek help yourself (Al-anon, counseling, etc.)
I would strongly recommend that you seek help first. And whatever you do, don’t just continue on and hope that one day he will change. That is a recipe for long term misery. You deserve better than that!
Thanks again for your question and good luck to both of you…..
Does anyone have any additional input for the reader in question? Let us know in the comments.
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This isnt easy.I know from my own experience that the drinking alcoholic doesnt get well.I am alcoholic and my wife is also.It has been necessary for me to cut ALL contact with her in order to preserve my own life. I feel we need to get away from abusive relationships and get help to sort out why we get into this situations in the first place!….these are co dependence issues.Is it sensible to hand over financial control of you affairs to someone who is unstable,alcoholic and violent? is it sensible to marry someone like this? He is the only person who can help his drinking,U cant,and the quicker u see this the freer u will b……GO. I have been to Alanon and have not found it useful,just a load of people wanting to out suffer the other! the two groups I went to didnt have a clue about recovery,thats my experience. If U stay there could be very serious problems, with serious consequences…this is not a recipe for a happy Little House on the Prarie existence
By Philip on 08.08.08 3:50 pm
Hi Philip
Thanks for your comment. It sounds like you have had a pretty rough relationship yourself, given that both of you were alcoholics. You are right in saying that he is the only one who can help his drinking. But I would argue that Al-Anon can be much more constructive and useful than what you make it out to be, and also that some alcoholics DO manage to get sober, even while in a relationship. It does happen. But I think the point you were making in your comment was “don’t count on it,” which is sad but true advice, in my opinion. If you “count on it,” and keep hoping someone will get sober, then you might be setting yourself up for misery. The solution, of course, is to set boundaries and then live by them (something you can learn about in Al-Anon).
Thanks again for your comment and good luck to you Philip.
By Patrick on 08.08.08 4:29 pm
Thanks Patrick
By Philip on 08.09.08 3:53 pm
What do you do when the alcoholic is your brother? I am a recovering alcoholic. I lost my mom and twin brother to alcohol. And don’t want to lose another. He is staying with my husband and I right now. My husband works offshore and so I am alone a lot. I have 2 sons who also work offshore and come in at different times for 2weeks after being gone a month.I go to A.A. almost every night.The ultimatum for my brother was he had to go to meetings with me and not drink. Well he has broke both allready. He talks to me like I am a dog. I feel like I’m going nuts. I am mad at myself because I can’t tell him to leave. My husband is totally not into any confrontation and told me he’s your brother.He went to 2 friends houses about 2 hrs. drive from here on his last drunk cos we got into it. Neither of them would take him in.He said he wants to go to treatment but I don’t believe him. He hates A.A and only seems to be interested in a place, and a job. Please help me. I don’t know what to do. Thanks , Joni
By joni likens on 08.14.08 2:09 am
That sounds like a difficult situation, Joni. I’m afraid that your only real choice is between setting proper boundaries or simply letting things continue as they have been.
Setting boundaries would be like sitting down with your brother when he is sober and letting him know exactly what you will and will not tolerate. You said that you already made an ultimatum with him and that he already broke it. But, nothing changed, so that really was a hollow threat.
If you want something to change, then sit him down and set some real boundaries and let him know that you will follow through this time no matter what. I can’t tell you if AA is right for him or not, but you can certainly tell him that he is not allowed to drink in your home anymore, or he can leave. That is always your option to go ahead and set that limit if you choose. Then he can decide how to respond, and possibly ask you for help in how to stay sober. Then you could mention that AA works for you.
That might sound a bit round-a-bout, but I think it is best to set a firm boundary like that and not force a specific solution on some one. I know it is easy to talk like this, but it is another thing to actually have to throw someone out on the street.
Good luck to you and your brother.
By Patrick on 08.14.08 4:16 pm
Patrick,
I knew in my heart the things you told me but my mind would not allow me to see. You made me see. Thank You
I have put my foot down, had him move out, and no longer talk to him except reguarding how to divide our business interest. He still insists I am crazy and he has no problem. I set a meeting with him to discuss business and he showed up drunk. I have seen him 4 times in the last 4 weeks–all times he was drunk.He looks and acts horrible. I feel terrible and pray for him. I send him emails of information on help groups, and inspirational sayings. I care about him but I have to care about myself and children first.
I go to church regularly now and have found the strength I need from God. I am desperately seeking a new job, have a heap of unpaid bills, no money and am more at ease now than I have been in a long time. I am certain of one thing-God will help me as long as I continue to help myself.
Thank you for website, your time, and your courage to help other people. For all of you out there that are the significant others of an addict, do not let them take you down the road to hell. Get help, get out, and don’t feel guilty. It hurts to let go, but sometimes it’s the only way to save at least one of you.
By hlg on 09.10.08 3:34 pm
That sounds positive, HLG. Thanks for keeping us posted and up to date here.
It also sounds like you have improved your spiritual connection as a result of what you’ve been going through.
I hope things continue to work out for you. Good job for setting a boundary and sticking to it.
Good luck to you HLG and keep us posted here. God bless.
By Patrick on 09.12.08 6:47 pm
thanks patrick, as it turned out, my brother left without even telling anyone. things are much more peaceful here. I just have to remember God is in control, not me! I have talked to my brother on the phone and found the courage and strength to tell him not to come back till he has the money he owes us and is sober. It sounds harsh but I am trying to practice tough love, and not enable him anymore. He knows I love him and I have done him harm rather than good. Thanks, Joni
By joni on 09.19.08 3:43 am
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