A reader who goes by “hlg” writes in and asks:
“I need help and fast. I am engaged to a man who I now realize is an alcoholic. A very verbally abusive and sometimes physically abusive alcoholic. He drinks about 3 times a week, so I didn’t think of him as an alcoholic at first…just a real jerk every now and then. The nights he doesn’t drink he is very distant and quiet. We not only are supposed to be married but we are opening a business together in 2 weeks which puts me in a huge mess. Somehow he has managed to get me to quit my job, school, take the majority of time away from my kids and he has complete financial control. I am an educated woman who worked in the medical field for over 13 years. I now depend on him for EVERYTHING. He seems to always start a fight with me so he can go drink at our store. I try so hard not to argue with him but he will find the lowest untrue things he can say to really tick me off. I thought I would just ignore him when he does this so now he just leaves and I don’t even know he’s gone until I notice his truck missing. No matter what I say he would not acknowledge he was an alcoholic. Last week he did finally admit he has to quit drinking because he “doesn’t get much done when he drinks.” Is this a sign that he may be reaching out? If so he is at the store tonight while I sit here crying trying to figure out if I should leave him or support him. we love each other very much and I don’t want to give up but I can’t seem to compete with this rotten disease. He is the very self centered poor me alcoholic. I can’t live like this and am not sure how to help him help himself. How do you get a person to see this is happening to them if they don’t want to see?? Is the only choice I have to walk away???”
Hi there hlg, thanks for your comment and your question. I think in this case, you need to focus on getting some help yourself first, before you do or try anything else. This is critical. You need to get some help, not him. It sounds to me like he is not in a position where he is ready to listen or ask for help.
You mention verbal and sometimes physical abuse. Again, you need to get help, not him. I would recommend that you find an Al-Anon meeting at the very minimum, and the people there might direct you to other resources as well that might address the abuse issue. Keep in mind that an untreated pattern of abuse always gets worse over time, never better (unless the person is sober and seeking help for it). It will always get worse over time if left untreated. You need to get some help.
Part of your getting help will be learning about boundaries and how to set them. You are not a doormat and do not deserve to be treated like one. It sounds like this person is particularly manipulative and you need to be able to stand up for yourself. The people at an Al-anon meeting can help teach you how to do this.
In addition, setting these boundaries will help you and him. He will see that you are not going to stick it out if his behavior continues, so it will force the choice on to him. He can then continue drinking or address his problem. But in order for this to happen, you need to go get some help first so that you have the knowledge and strength to execute on this plan. Understand that you are not going to make idle threats in the hopes that he will change; instead, you are going to lay down a firm boundary and stick with your decision. That might eventually mean that you walk away from everything, but perhaps that is what it will take for him to wake up and make some changes in his life. There are always possibilities down the road in that case, no? But it seems hopeless for you to cling to a broken relationship when he has no real incentive to change right now.
His admission that “he need to quit drinking” because “he’s not getting enough done” is just that–an admission. I used to admit I was an alcoholic all the time–but it took several more years until I really accepted that I was an alcoholic, deep down, and decided to finally do something about it. An admission does nothing as far as action goes. He can sit there and admit it all day long, and keep on drinking. This solves nothing.
So I think you ultimately have 3 options:
1) Change nothing and hope for the best
2) Walk away from the relationship
3) Go seek help yourself (Al-anon, counseling, etc.)
I would strongly recommend that you seek help first. And whatever you do, don’t just continue on and hope that one day he will change. That is a recipe for long term misery. You deserve better than that!
Thanks again for your question and good luck to both of you…..
Does anyone have any additional input for the reader in question? Let us know in the comments.
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{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }
This isnt easy.I know from my own experience that the drinking alcoholic doesnt get well.I am alcoholic and my wife is also.It has been necessary for me to cut ALL contact with her in order to preserve my own life. I feel we need to get away from abusive relationships and get help to sort out why we get into this situations in the first place!….these are co dependence issues.Is it sensible to hand over financial control of you affairs to someone who is unstable,alcoholic and violent? is it sensible to marry someone like this? He is the only person who can help his drinking,U cant,and the quicker u see this the freer u will b……GO. I have been to Alanon and have not found it useful,just a load of people wanting to out suffer the other! the two groups I went to didnt have a clue about recovery,thats my experience. If U stay there could be very serious problems, with serious consequences…this is not a recipe for a happy Little House on the Prarie existence
Hi Philip
Thanks for your comment. It sounds like you have had a pretty rough relationship yourself, given that both of you were alcoholics. You are right in saying that he is the only one who can help his drinking. But I would argue that Al-Anon can be much more constructive and useful than what you make it out to be, and also that some alcoholics DO manage to get sober, even while in a relationship. It does happen. But I think the point you were making in your comment was “don’t count on it,” which is sad but true advice, in my opinion. If you “count on it,” and keep hoping someone will get sober, then you might be setting yourself up for misery. The solution, of course, is to set boundaries and then live by them (something you can learn about in Al-Anon).
Thanks again for your comment and good luck to you Philip.
Thanks Patrick
What do you do when the alcoholic is your brother? I am a recovering alcoholic. I lost my mom and twin brother to alcohol. And don’t want to lose another. He is staying with my husband and I right now. My husband works offshore and so I am alone a lot. I have 2 sons who also work offshore and come in at different times for 2weeks after being gone a month.I go to A.A. almost every night.The ultimatum for my brother was he had to go to meetings with me and not drink. Well he has broke both allready. He talks to me like I am a dog. I feel like I’m going nuts. I am mad at myself because I can’t tell him to leave. My husband is totally not into any confrontation and told me he’s your brother.He went to 2 friends houses about 2 hrs. drive from here on his last drunk cos we got into it. Neither of them would take him in.He said he wants to go to treatment but I don’t believe him. He hates A.A and only seems to be interested in a place, and a job. Please help me. I don’t know what to do. Thanks , Joni
That sounds like a difficult situation, Joni. I’m afraid that your only real choice is between setting proper boundaries or simply letting things continue as they have been.
Setting boundaries would be like sitting down with your brother when he is sober and letting him know exactly what you will and will not tolerate. You said that you already made an ultimatum with him and that he already broke it. But, nothing changed, so that really was a hollow threat.
If you want something to change, then sit him down and set some real boundaries and let him know that you will follow through this time no matter what. I can’t tell you if AA is right for him or not, but you can certainly tell him that he is not allowed to drink in your home anymore, or he can leave. That is always your option to go ahead and set that limit if you choose. Then he can decide how to respond, and possibly ask you for help in how to stay sober. Then you could mention that AA works for you.
That might sound a bit round-a-bout, but I think it is best to set a firm boundary like that and not force a specific solution on some one. I know it is easy to talk like this, but it is another thing to actually have to throw someone out on the street.
Good luck to you and your brother.
Patrick,
I knew in my heart the things you told me but my mind would not allow me to see. You made me see. Thank You
I have put my foot down, had him move out, and no longer talk to him except reguarding how to divide our business interest. He still insists I am crazy and he has no problem. I set a meeting with him to discuss business and he showed up drunk. I have seen him 4 times in the last 4 weeks–all times he was drunk.He looks and acts horrible. I feel terrible and pray for him. I send him emails of information on help groups, and inspirational sayings. I care about him but I have to care about myself and children first.
I go to church regularly now and have found the strength I need from God. I am desperately seeking a new job, have a heap of unpaid bills, no money and am more at ease now than I have been in a long time. I am certain of one thing-God will help me as long as I continue to help myself.
Thank you for website, your time, and your courage to help other people. For all of you out there that are the significant others of an addict, do not let them take you down the road to hell. Get help, get out, and don’t feel guilty. It hurts to let go, but sometimes it’s the only way to save at least one of you.
That sounds positive, HLG. Thanks for keeping us posted and up to date here.
It also sounds like you have improved your spiritual connection as a result of what you’ve been going through.
I hope things continue to work out for you. Good job for setting a boundary and sticking to it.
Good luck to you HLG and keep us posted here. God bless.
thanks patrick, as it turned out, my brother left without even telling anyone. things are much more peaceful here. I just have to remember God is in control, not me! I have talked to my brother on the phone and found the courage and strength to tell him not to come back till he has the money he owes us and is sober. It sounds harsh but I am trying to practice tough love, and not enable him anymore. He knows I love him and I have done him harm rather than good. Thanks, Joni
Patrick,
I am in a fairly healthy space in my life. I am a recovering coke addict. While moving & changing my life completely to pull myself together I met & fell madly in love with a man who I have let use me i think but want to believe otherwise. I want to believe he really loves me and that is why he always comes back but I am reaching out to you to be truthful and shed some light that will hopefully reach my thick rose colored glasses and guide me to a different thought process that will allow me to stop this cycle and move on. Please, please let me thank you in advance to ANY words you may return to me. Thank you for listening and not judging the words written below. Any advice would be most apprecitated for I am at such a loss and hurting very bad.
The man I love is an addict and functioning alcoholic. He has come in & out of my life for over 4yrs now creating a cycle where he comes around, rocks my world, tells me I am exactly what he wants & says all the words I want to hear, words I love hearing. He moves in and things are incredible for a couple of months, a routine gets esablished and I feel great about me, about him, about us & i start TRYING to build a life together, But that is it. I start trying, he starts shutting down. He wakes in the middle of the night and can’t sleep. His stomache hurts form the ulcers. His interests involve going to work then the bar. He works a job that allows time to “stop in the bar” for a quick number play and beer at various times through out his day. After a period of time his interest in me seems to slow down. His interest in life seems to stop. He starts laying in bed more, getting up only to go to work & the bar & then staying at the bar later and later and the invitations to meet him become fewer and fewer. Our depression starts. I take care of him and the household responsibilities & my own private hell begins and I am walking on egg shells and “hoping” for the love, affection and attention to come back. Eventualy it disapates completely and he just stops comming home. I have never chased him. I have always just let him go without problems because this has been an on-going situation for me for a long while now & I think if he doesn’t love me he should go without problem and he will come back because he does love me. I am able to recognize the signs and I don’t want to see the flirtyness he does with other women at the bar and I don’t want to have him talk down to me in front of others or snap at me so I ask less & less to meet him too. He leaves.
A few months go by and my phone starts ringing late night again and before you know it he is reahcing for me at night back in our bed, inviting me around and we are happy again for a period of time then the cycle starts. I feel excluded and the reactions of me crying and wanting more of his attention and physical affection result in his anger, throwing up his hands and disappearing. Is this normal addict behavior? I love him very, very much but each time he leaves gets worse and worse for me…I keep myself in limbo, going through the motions of life till he comes back.
This past time I made a decision to love me more and changed the locks as well as my phone numbers, cutting all contact. I am hurting. Life is a daily struggle and I want to open the door again with him and peek in…but I am fearful that the cycle will start again and I will be left hurt again and that is what stops me at this point. Is this normal and will I get past this hurt? This time around he addmitted he loves me but something happens and his feelings change and he doesn’t know why exactly but he is sorry for hurting me and doesn’t want to continue hurting me so instead of just leaving without words this time he said the stuff I have mentioned. I love him. I would like him back. He moved a few months ago. How do I let go? When will I stop missing him? Right now I feel like he has the better life. He moved in with an other woman. She gets his love and affection and attention and I am crying all the time but I am not using coke or any other substance as I have in the past to get me by till he comes back. At this point I guess I want to know i mattered and that the words he said were not really worthless, all though his actions have never supported his words with me or anyone else in his life but I am curious if that is typical behavior of addicts and are my feelings also typical? My trust is shot. He has addmitted to “surviving” in his life and “forgetting” how to live. What would be your advice to me? There is no other man that makes me feel the way he does and it seems to be getting worse. I wonder where he is at, if he is happy now & if this is normal behavior for someone in my situation that just wants to love him and feel the love back in a continuos state. Am I wrong? It’s getting close to the time where he usually surfaces again. I am anxiety ridden and would love to believe he will come back & it will be for real this time, but I believed that last time & it nearly killed me. I am not strong enough to manage the hurt this causes again hence making the changes I did but part of me wants him to try to come to me. Are these normal feeling too? I have made a stand & have choosen to protect myself but I am wondering all the time if he is different with the other women he leaves me for or is he really happier where he is? Does she get the wonderful man I have seen and want and love? or will she get the cycle I have gotten for the yrs we’ve been in & out. I also wonder what is wrong with me that he can’t follow through with his feelings and take action to back up the loving words he says? What allows him to be great then push me away, become mean & leave only to come back again? I would like a better understanding of my story which you have heard many times over. thank you for listening one more time!
I can’t thank you enough for just listening & hearing my words & any help or insight you may have to offer would be greatly apreciated.
Sincerely,
Katie
Hi there Katie
Wow thanks for sharing all that…took some guts on your part. I think you are basically depending on his love for your own happiness. Obviously this is not working out great for you and so I would suggest that you take the hard road of learning to love yourself and love your life without him in it.
This is a hard road and I have traveled it myself. I am single right now and I am loving life and if and when someone comes into my life, I will not be in a super vulnerable position. Of course when we love anyone we make ourselves vulnerable to getting hurt, but if you have a solid foundation of loving yourself and loving life even when you are alone, then that is very powerful. I cannot be hurt as badly right now as I could in the past because I have worked on myself for a long time. I have pursued my own growth and I have been single for a while and I am comfortable in my own skin. I am not depending on another person’s love to make me happy. I do not need that love in order to be complete.
This is the point that I would encourage you to work towards. Let go of the idea that you might meet back up with this man or that you might not. If you do, you will get similar results unless you have done the work in your own life. If you get to a place where you are working on yourself every day and you have made real growth and your self esteem has increased a lot, then you might not even take him back if he came begging. You will move beyond that and know that you are worth so much more.
And you will attract “so much more” to you when you are making efforts at personal growth and building up healthy self esteem. I am not saying that this guy is trash or anything, but if you do the work on yourself and you grow over time then this sort of relationship will become much less appealing to you.
It feels so good to be loved. But it is a shortcut. The hard path is to love yourself and improve your life, so that no one can really hurt you to this extent any more. You can still love and you can still become vulnerable in order to find that love, but you need a foundation of self esteem that will protect you. If someone breaks your heart it should be upsetting but it should not “almost kill you.” That points to a lack of healthy self esteem. Put in the footwork and take positive action every day until you are healthy enough to love your life, with or without this man…..
Just my 2 cents of course…..good luck
Patrick,
Thank you for your advice and words of encouragement. They are a valuable lesson in themselves. Changing one’s life or thought process is never easy and I am committed to working on myself. I appreciate all that you said and it is in line with my thearepist & others involved in my life. Thank you for listening and giving an out of the box opinion that i needed to hear & when I am doublting myself I can always reread this piece. Again, thank you!