An anonymous reader writes in and asks:
“I have a question. I’ve been sober for just 4 days now and the problem I tend to have is that there have been a total of 4 times when I was committed to recovery…
But, 3 of those 4 times ended in relapses exactly on my 90th day of recovery…And, the 4th was just 6 months ago and ended on my 88th day of recovery…
It’s kind of demoralizing and makes me feel hopeless about ever recovering…
Obviously, I can’t seem to get past the early recovery stage but I don’t know why this pattern keeps happening…It seems like everything is fine and then all of a sudden I get these thoughts and urges to drink again…It’s as if a switch goes off inside of me and I’m gone…I mean my mind is made up and nothing in the world will talk me out of it…
I hate it…
I know I miss the “excitement” but the next day it’s gone and I’m full of remorse and getting drunk every night, once again like I never had any time off…I know I haven’t pushed myself toward any spiritual growth and wonder if it’s related, but the truth is that I don’t know how to grow spiritually, not a clue…
I think I get complacent at times in my personal life (although not in my career)…
If you have any solutions or ideas I’d appreciate it because I just don’t want to end up with another relapse. I know it’s only been a few days, but I just need some tools that I can use.
I want to stay sober this time as I don’t know how many more times I can go through trying to recover only to keep failing…
Thank you.”
That is a fairly general problem that I think a lot of people have. I can also see that people in this situation are baffled; they do not know the exact nature of the problem (I might not either necessarily) but I think I can help with some ideas.
You keep relapsing around the 90 day mark. This is not unusual based on what I have seen in others around me.
You don’t go into much detail about your exact recovery strategy or what program you might be working, but I get the sense that you are probably involved with some program as you are at least counting your days of sobriety.
I guess it would help if we started by drawing up 2 possible scenarios: one is that you are attempting to work a 12 step program, and the other scenario is that you are going a different route.
If you happen to be going the 12 step route, then my suggestion to you is to involve yourself deeper within the fellowship than what you have in the past. For example, you might join an H&I committee that takes 12 step meetings into institutions like jails and treatment centers. This type of service work can help keep you grounded when you start getting that 90 day itch, especially if you are in the habit of regularly attending these meetings as a form of service. In other words, you need to make an effort to really reach out and help other recovering alcoholics. This needs to become a big part of your program. This is the insurance that you need in order to overcome that tendency towards relapse.
Now if you’re not into the 12 step program then you need to figure out a way to do this outside of the 12 step fellowship. Simple as that. You still need to work with others in recovery. You still need to find a way to help others. You still need a way to get plugged into this and be doing it on a regular basis as your form of relapse insurance.
You say you might be lacking in spiritual growth. My suggestion is to concentrate on working with others in recovery and the spiritual component will reveal itself to you over time. If you deeply involve yourself in service work somehow, then the rewards of doing so will be enough to form this “missing piece” that you have been lacking.
Remember that it’s all spiritual. Push yourself towards holistic growth. See the growth opportunities outside of traditional recovery programs. The spiritual component will take care of itself if you follow the basic strategies laid out here.
We can become more spiritual over time by forming good habits. And I’m suggesting that you form the habit of helping other recovering alcoholics. That needs to become a cornerstone of your recovery program. I think that is the solution for you or for anyone in a similar pattern of relapse.
Good luck!
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{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
Having been in the same shows as the person who sent the email in. I can say without a doubt that you need to get involved in the 12 step program, find a sponsor and start working the steps right away. Each day that you put off working on yourself is another day that you might drink.
Working the steps gave me a goal to look forward to. Since the # of days I had did not mean much to me.
I was lucky and surrender not to the program, but to God. Once I did this it all feel into place. The desire to drink was lifted.
I have been sober over 5 years now, I had a great sponsor who is now my friend. I do not attend AA meeting every day or week. However I do go, and when I am asked to speak/share I never say no.
Keep in mind that the 12 steps of AA is so simple that we drunks make it hard.
Good Luck to ya
Thanks for your input there Patrick B. I would agree that the path you describe will work for many people, but obviously many people cannot follow through with it. I doubt there is a program out there that every alcoholic could succeed in.
I also think some of us are simply not going to make it. But I see value in discussing the solutions. Thanks again for your experience, it is valuable for you to share it with us….
Any type of action is preferred over what are our “normal” actions when we are drinking. For me breaking out of the cycle was the start. I agree with you some just will not make it. Nor do I think AA or a 12 step program is the answer for everyone. I do feel strongly that we must try (if we want to get and stay sober) whatever it takes.
I must admit I am not one to follow the crowd, and do not attend meetings regularly. For me, like yourself it seems that I feel each person defines how they will get clean and sober. If that’s what they really want.
I enjoy reading your blog and look forward to your next post :)