Dazed and Distraught writes in and comments: “People have told me that addicts have no capacity to feel real emotions. Does knowing that people care actually help them in these situations?”
Thanks so much for your comment, Dazed. First of all, I want to address the statement that “addicts have no capacity to feel real emotions.” Being a recovering addict, I feel I can shed some light on this statement.
It would be easy to become indignant here and proclaim that “of course addicts and alcoholics have feelings!” But I understand where that person is coming from in suggesting that they don’t, because for so long while I was self medicating, I struggled to constantly cover up my feelings. It certainly wasn’t “cool” to show emotion or acknowledge feelings at all amongst my peers, and I can see how a large part of my addiction was fueled by a need to suppress my emotions. Throughout my active addiction, and in my early recovery, I had a tendency to cover up my feelings as best I could, especially if I was either hurt or scared.
In recovery, a very insightful therapist taught me quite a bit about feelings, and how the basic ones of Sad, Mad, Glad, and Scared tend to form the basis for all of our disagreements and miscommunications in life.
Here’s an example of using this therapists philosophy:
Say that you come home from work and your spouse has purchased a very expensive plasma television without consulting you first. You explode in anger and a fight ensues. It gets ugly.
Now in the case of analyzing feelings, this therapist of mine would have suggested the following:
1) When you realize that you’re arguing and both emotional, it’s time to back off and cool down. Agree to part ways for an hour and come back and discuss rationally after the emotions have settled. Or, simply step away from the argument and allow yourself to cool. You need to calm down in order to process the feelings.
2) Analyze your feelings down to the primary emotion (either sad, mad, glad, or scared). Why is it so upsetting about the extravagant purchase? It probably boils down to Fear (about finances) and maybe also some Hurt (because they did not consider consulting you first). This is the part where you have to look inside yourself and identify one of those primary emotions.
3) Then, communicate those feelings to your partner without accusation or name calling or giving opinions. Simply state “I felt scared when I saw you had spent so much money because our finances are so messed up lately.” You could also go on to say “I felt hurt because you did not consult me first.”
These statements of your true feelings (make sure they are a primary feeling and not an opinion of yours) are very powerful because they cannot be refuted. No one can claim you weren’t scared or hurt–those are your innermost feelings, you did not choose them, the feelings just happened. So communicate them simply like this and your partner cannot help but take them into consideration.
Now as far as addicts and alcoholics go, if they are still actively using substances, this sort of technique isn’t necessarily going to work any miracles, but it is a very good way to communicate honestly with them. Instead of throwing fuel on the fire and hurling insults at each other, simply stating your feelings accurately like this is probably your best bet.
Does it help that the addict knows that I care?
Yes it does. While it doesn’t seem like a using drug addict or alcoholic really cares, deep down I was always struggling to find a way to bring meaning back into my life, and the problem was not that I didn’t care about my friends and family–the problem was that I just didn’t care. Period. At all. That is the misery of full blown alcoholism or drug addiction. It consumes the whole person–mentally, emotionally, and so on. There just isn’t anything left.
So it is not so much a problem that addicts and alcoholics are self-centered, uncaring people, but that they are trapped in the vicious cycle of addiction and depression. The question is: does this qualify as an excuse? Of course not. It merely explains their lack of emotional involvement. For me personally, it definitely mattered that others cared about me, even though I could not (at the time) bring myself to take any action based on that knowledge. I was still trapped in fear….terrified of facing life sober. But I can’t help but think that others caring about me helped to eventually push me into recovery.
Does anyone else have anything to share about dealing with feelings and emotions? I would love to hear your comments!
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{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
Dear Patrick,
I enjoyed reading your post very much. Having dealt with some serious drug use in my own past, I wanted to first say that I agree with a lot of what you had to say about misplaced, buried emotions in addicts.
I’d like to point out also that many of the drugs we commonly put into our bodies specifically blunt, reduce, and in many neurophysiological ways, actually drain, our capacity to feel.
Aside from the self examination many of us go through in recovery, the actual act of stopping the drug use can do wonders to help replenish and rebuild destroyed neural circuits that are involved in emotion regulation.
Keep up the good work!!!
Thanks for your input, Dr. Psych. I know for myself that I didn’t want to admit that I even had feelings in early recovery, because I was so used to covering them up with chemicals. Now that I have been clean and sober for 7 years I can definitely say that those “neural pathways” have been rebuilt!
Now it’s all about new ways to deal with those emotions…healthy ways instead of just covering them up. Thanks again for your comment.
Hi Patrick,
I loved those questions and would like to respond. I don’t know which hat I will be wearing, my therapist hat or person in recovery hat, but here goes. Speaking for myself and my own observations of lot of people with addiction I have met, there are two things we (peolple with addiction) really stink at.
1. Emotions and feelings and,
2. Relationships.
In working with feelings we talk about identifying, owning and processing feelings. A lot of times the vocabulary and knowledge to identify a feeling just isn’t there. When asked how I felt, my stock reply was ’shitty’. That is nice…but is that angry, shameful, depressed, sad? I sure couldn’t tell you. Owning feelings, hah. It was ‘you make me’, she made me’, never ever ‘I feel’
With all that said how can my relationships possibly be in good shape? If I am emotionally unavailable, emotionally unaccountable, and wouldn’t know one if it bit me in the butt, boy, what a catch I am. Hmmm…would I attract wholesome healthy people to me? Not. I always wondered about why my relationships tended to end quickly…in flames.
It took me a while to figure this out. I firmly believe that our ability to identify, own and process emotions, will determine the quality of our relationships… with self, family, community and Higher Power. Under the influence of active addiction the chances of having appropriate feelings and relationships are zero.
In early recovery, it is a challenge learning how to feel and relate to self and others again. That is the difference between simply staying abstinent and growing in personal recovery.
Bill Urell
One of the main sticking points I have noticed in AA is peoples’inability to let go of painful emotion.
I use the Sedona method and release continuously all day. At AA I can identify with other people as they share, and I will then release on the identification.
I also use the 1 2 3 shadow process which is part of the Integral life practice stuff. This allows me to re-own disowned emotions,thereby removing blame.This is done by taking a third person perspective on my emotions,Then taking a second person perspective by dialogue or journalling. Then reintegrating the emotion as mine by looking at it from my 1st person perspective. The re-owned emotion can then be released using the Sedona Method. Philip
Oops made a mistake.! its the 3 2 1 Shadow process. ……Think i’ll go and lie down!
Hi there Philip
Thanks for your comment. I’ve looked into the Sedona method a bit and releasing looks like it is a powerful technique…would love to hear more about it. Good luck to you on your path….