Dazed and Distraught writes in and comments: “People have told me that addicts have no capacity to feel real emotions. Does knowing that people care actually help them in these situations?”

Thanks so much for your comment, Dazed. First of all, I want to address the statement that “addicts have no capacity to feel real emotions.” Being a recovering addict, I feel I can shed some light on this statement.

It would be easy to become indignant here and proclaim that “of course addicts and alcoholics have feelings!” But I understand where that person is coming from in suggesting that they don’t, because for so long while I was self medicating, I struggled to constantly cover up my feelings. It certainly wasn’t “cool” to show emotion or acknowledge feelings at all amongst my peers, and I can see how a large part of my addiction was fueled by a need to suppress my emotions. Throughout my active addiction, and in my early recovery, I had a tendency to cover up my feelings as best I could, especially if I was either hurt or scared.

In recovery, a very insightful therapist taught me quite a bit about feelings, and how the basic ones of Sad, Mad, Glad, and Scared tend to form the basis for all of our disagreements and miscommunications in life.

Here’s an example of using this therapists philosophy:

Say that you come home from work and your spouse has purchased a very expensive plasma television without consulting you first. You explode in anger and a fight ensues. It gets ugly.

Now in the case of analyzing feelings, this therapist of mine would have suggested the following:

1) When you realize that you’re arguing and both emotional, it’s time to back off and cool down. Agree to part ways for an hour and come back and discuss rationally after the emotions have settled. Or, simply step away from the argument and allow yourself to cool. You need to calm down in order to process the feelings.

2) Analyze your feelings down to the primary emotion (either sad, mad, glad, or scared). Why is it so upsetting about the extravagant purchase? It probably boils down to Fear (about finances) and maybe also some Hurt (because they did not consider consulting you first). This is the part where you have to look inside yourself and identify one of those primary emotions.

3) Then, communicate those feelings to your partner without accusation or name calling or giving opinions. Simply state “I felt scared when I saw you had spent so much money because our finances are so messed up lately.” You could also go on to say “I felt hurt because you did not consult me first.”

These statements of your true feelings (make sure they are a primary feeling and not an opinion of yours) are very powerful because they cannot be refuted. No one can claim you weren’t scared or hurt–those are your innermost feelings, you did not choose them, the feelings just happened. So communicate them simply like this and your partner cannot help but take them into consideration.

Now as far as addicts and alcoholics go, if they are still actively using substances, this sort of technique isn’t necessarily going to work any miracles, but it is a very good way to communicate honestly with them. Instead of throwing fuel on the fire and hurling insults at each other, simply stating your feelings accurately like this is probably your best bet.

Does it help that the addict knows that I care?

Yes it does. While it doesn’t seem like a using drug addict or alcoholic really cares, deep down I was always struggling to find a way to bring meaning back into my life, and the problem was not that I didn’t care about my friends and family–the problem was that I just didn’t care. Period. At all. That is the misery of full blown alcoholism or drug addiction. It consumes the whole person–mentally, emotionally, and so on. There just isn’t anything left.

So it is not so much a problem that addicts and alcoholics are self-centered, uncaring people, but that they are trapped in the vicious cycle of addiction and depression. The question is: does this qualify as an excuse? Of course not. It merely explains their lack of emotional involvement. For me personally, it definitely mattered that others cared about me, even though I could not (at the time) bring myself to take any action based on that knowledge. I was still trapped in fear….terrified of facing life sober. But I can’t help but think that others caring about me helped to eventually push me into recovery.

Does anyone else have anything to share about dealing with feelings and emotions? I would love to hear your comments!

A popular question I get from readers on this site has always been: “Can I recover without going to AA? Is it possible?”

This is tricky territory for me, because my experience with AA is so unconventional: I started strong in the program for the first year or two, then drifted away for the most part. Today, I still hit the occasional meeting, or see my sponsor every once in a while, but I am by no means an active participant in the AA fellowship.

Despite this, I honestly think AA is the best option for a newcomer, simply because the amount of support there is substantial. What are your alternatives? Other support groups that target substance abuse or offer alternative recovery programs are practically non-existent compared to 12 step meetings. Yes, there are some out there. They do exist. But they are few and far between. In most places, the only readily available option is to go to AA or NA meetings.

Photo by Dr. Brainfish

And the support is critical, in so many ways–regardless of whether or not you embrace the 12 step philosophy. The people at those meetings will help you, they’ll talk to you, they will encourage you in any way that they can. For the newcomer in recovery to turn their back on this level of support is foolish, in my opinion. However, if you still want to know if you can recover without AA, you need to ask yourself:

“Can you quit on your own?”

This is a natural starting point for any alcoholic that wishes to avoid traditional twelve step recovery. There is nothing wrong with trying to quit drinking on your own, and many people will try to do so naturally as they stumble their way through active alcoholism. Most who try to quit on their own will fail, and this is really what defines alcoholism: the inability to stop drinking and stay stopped of our own accord. The alcoholic is defined as thus because they need help to stay sober. So, if you can quit on your own–and make it stick–then “our hats are off to you,” as they say in the Big Book of AA.

The fact of the matter is, true addicts and alcoholics cannot stop on their own. They need help. They need support. Peer support. This is what allows for a meaningful life in recovery.

So if someone admits to themselves that they cannot stop drinking on their own–that they need help–then they should probably look at the possibility of at least trying AA.

Is it possible to quit without AA? Sure. Is it possible to live a meaningful life in recovery without AA? That’s entirely doable as well. But here’s the catch, that I have found to be true in my experience:

You are going to need a really high level of support in order to maintain a successful, meaningful, and long term sobriety.

People who have tried to quit drinking without the help of other recovering alcoholics have expressed frustration that no one can relate to them. Interacting with other recovering alcoholics gives us strength and sanity when we are trying to get sober.

AA is not a magic bullet–the success rates alone should tell you that much.

There are other paths

AA is really young compared to alcoholism. People have been “recovering” without AA for thousands of years prior.

There are people that I know who have found a successful life in recovery through other means:

- Through religion.

- Through the use of therapeutic counseling.

- Through personal growth and development.

- Through a spiritual awakening.

One of the key concepts involved with all of these paths is that they are creative in nature. An alcoholic who finds success through one of these paths is literally creating a new life for themselves.

AA is a helpful framework for creation because there is an entire fellowship of people and a bunch of meetings established for you to go to. An active life in AA can be an answer to the question: “What am I going to do with myself now that I’m not drinking?” Being actively involved in AA can replace the absence of drinking with something meaningful, but it is not the only solution available to you. It is merely a convenient one.

If nothing else has worked for you, then it is probably worth giving it a chance. You can learn more about joining Alcoholics Anonymous here.

There is a ton of support in AA, but there are other paths as well. Good luck to everyone on their journey, and please feel free to ask any questions you might have in the comments below.

Andrea writes in and says:

“One of my family members is addicted and in heavy denial. They are 50 years old and resist my families attempts to help them. I hope we can do something. Is it ever to late?”

Thanks for your comment and for your question, Andrea. Without hesitation, I can say that it is never to late to try to get clean and sober. I absolutely urge you to maintain hope and continue to encourage this family member to seek help. In my opinion, it doesn’t matter how old they are.

I would argue that you should never give up hope in such a situation. There are at least 3 reasons for this:

1) It’s worth it for the sake of the individual. Everyone deserves a shot at sobriety. If they get a taste of the sober life, and then go back, that is their choice. But some people are truly trapped in the vicious cycle of addiction and don’t actually know that a different way exists. No one should have to face that hopelessness. Your family member deserves a chance at a better life.

2) It’s worth it for the sake of the friends and family. You already know this on a deep level, I’m sure. The friends and family of an alcoholic deserve better.

3) The recovering individual will “pay it forward,” potentially affecting and helping other addicts. This is the unspoken and often unseen ripple effect from someone who finds a successful life in recovery. They can (if they choose) reach out and help others.

In addition to this, I know from personal experience that some of the most inspiring stories around the tables of AA have come from older people who just recently got sober. Everyone has a message to give and in some cases, those who finally got it “late in life” have been the ones to pass on a very powerful message to some of the younger people just coming into recovery.

In other words, there is value in sobriety, regardless of the individual. Everyone stands to benefit from the change. So never give up hope!

A word of caution

Even though you should never give up hope, there are times when you should stop putting your own sanity and life at risk in order to try to help someone who is continuously resistant to help.

This is a boundary issue. If you are going out of your way and doing everything you can to encourage someone to get clean and sober, but they string you along and have never made any real progress, then it might be time to take a step back and create some space for yourself. The idea is to always keep hope, keep the faith, but set firm boundaries and try not to let a struggling addict run you ragged with their constant relapses.

There is a fine line between holding out hope for someone and being there to help them when they are genuinely ready to change, versus being taken advantage of and only further enabling a struggling addict to keep screwing up.

So how do you know when to help them, and when to back off and let them suffer the consequences? My advice is to gauge their level of surrender. If the person is willing to do whatever is asked of them without hesitation, then they are ready to change. For example: check into a treatment center, go see a certain doctor, go see a therapist, and so on. But if they are struggling against these suggestions and trying to change on their own terms, then you should back off and not sacrifice yourself in order to help them. In other words, do not give them money or assistance in order to pursue their own ideas. Their ideas aren’t working for them, so why should you invest time and energy into them? You shouldn’t. When they are ready to follow direction, then you know that there is real hope for change.

I hope this answers your question, Andrea. Hang on to hope, but don’t let yourself be taken advantage of. Set boundaries and communicate them clearly.

Does anyone else have any suggestions for Andrea?