How can a person overcome self pity and stop feeling sorry for themselves?
Self pity is a comforting behavior that fills a need for obsessive thinking. Therefore, the key to beating it is to recognize it when it creeps into your thoughts and eliminate it immediately. Because feeling sorry for oneself becomes a pattern over time, you need to retrain your brain not to think so negatively.
Here’s how to do it:
1. Create a zero tolerance policy with yourself – this is what got me “on the road to recovery” when it came to my self pity. I simply made a pact with myself that I would not allow myself to indulge in it any more. This was a re-training of my brain; a new way of thinking for me. In most cases, this “mental policy” worked out really well for me. However, when self-pity persisted, I had to seek other means.
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2. Move your body – Physical exercise is critical for arresting this type of depression. If you force yourself to be physically active and really get your heart rate going, this will have a profound effect on your emotional well being. If you move your body your mind will follow. Physical energy and motivation can empower your whole life. Getting in shape can be a springboard to better emotional health. This can be a huge piece of the puzzle that many people will overlook or simply discount. Get active and you’ll be happier for it!
3. Choose Gratitude - This is a direct attack on self pity: you cannot feel both grateful and sorry for yourself at the same time. The two feelings are completely incompatible. Gratitude is the ticket out of misery and self-absorption. If you have to, sit down and force yourself to write a list of everything you are grateful for. My sponsor tells me to list at least 50 things. Seems a bit simplistic, but getting it all down in writing can work wonders for you.
Choose Gratitude.
It’s so much more empowering than feeling sorry for yourself.
Self pity is my favorite character defect. It is what made me into an addict. When I needed to rationalize my drinking or drug use, my favorite technique was to feel sorry for myself. Sad but true. It always worked so well for me. I loved the feeling that my life was spinning out of control, and that people had done me wrong, and that I was a true victim. This really didn’t happen all that often in my life; people were actually pretty good to me. But when ever I got the chance, I loved to feel sorry for myself, and I used the feeling to justify my drinking.
Because I’m such a shy person, I’ve grown accustomed to using rejection to fuel my pity-parties. My diseased little mind thinks that rejection is the worst thing in the world–even worse than death itself. This irrational belief typically paralyzes me and keeps me from taking healthy risks. In my recovery, I’ve worked on this character defect, and gotten a little better at it. So I take more risks, and usually it pays off. But rejection is a part of life–experiencing rejection on an occasional basis is inevitable. It’s going to happen. So I’ve had to learn how to get over my tendency to throw an “internal pity-party.”
In the beginning of my recovery, I had lots of reasons to feel down on myself. As time went on, my life in recovery got better–in almost every way–and I learned how to stop mentally playing the victim role.
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@ Orman – It sounds to me like you are making huge progress. The one thing you are not doing is giving your effort time to kick in.
It takes time. Period.
You stopped smoking, drinking, and you are working on personal growth. How long did you smoke and drink for? It takes time for the major benefits to really kick in. I think it takes months, even years for this to happen, even after you have totally changed your life (as you have).
The one key factor is time.
Positive action + time = massive rewards down the line.
You have to give yourself time to let this awesome new life kick in for yourself. It does not happen overnight. You sound like you are on the right path. I think you are just expecting too much too soon.
What you don’t realize is that your life will be way better than what you might be guessing, if you just keep up the positive action, the positive changes, and keep plugging away for another few years. Then the benefits will kick in massively….
What I can’t stand is whenever I sigh because something is either boring or aggravating me and my mom says, “don’t feel so sorry for yourself,” despite the fact that she does that on a daily basis. She goes like, “WAH! I’m so sad. My children aren’t perfect and neither is my marriage!!!” Well, Boo hoo for you, mom.
Few days back, I had to give an important presentation but after quite a few slides a question was asked from the ordiance that I could not answer. Thereafter I became so nervous that my entire presentation was destroyed. This was the second such incident in less than six month. I am now suffering from self pity that had I prepared well my presentation would not have destroyed. I may lose my job too. I am very much disturbed and I think I need some more counselling than written above. Can ant one help me.
I used to be a very confidant person. I can’t quite place it but it was about 6 yrs ago I just flipped out. I couldn’t deal with rejection and loss. I always had things in order and going my way, when things stopped running smoothly, I had no idea how to handle it. I lost my father, my job, and several friends in a short period of time. I became an alcoholic and a drug addict and my behavior while intoxicated became frightening. I’m trying to get sober and my life back together but guilt and shame keep getting in the way. I know I have to stop using drugs to stop the cycle of creating bad memories. I attend AA meetings and see a therapist. I feel good that I’m willing to make an effort. Support is an important factor for me. I still get uncomfortable sharing my problems sometimes but I have to get it off my chest somehow, drugs and alcohol are not the solution, they are the problem, along with my insecurities. If we didn’t feel emotions we wouldn’t be human. I hope anyone who reads this and understands me finds what they need to make their lives more peaceful.
…sigh …i don’t know if I’m just making the self-pity thing or not… My mother always tells me that I’m just having my self pity whenever we argue about our family problems, which makes me more angry. I think Its their really fault and not mine having a broken family. sigh again… I really make some effort to fix my life though I’m still young…but fate seems don’t like me… so bad… just hope for a better year this 2011… yet my intuitions says to me that It would be worse… a never ending sigh… I wonder when will I be happy… 2014?2015?perhaps 10yrs from now?
to Shiva, you probably did better than you think in your presentation, questions can throw us off sometimes. you can always say something like “you know that is a really good question, I will come back to that in a bit” give yourself some breating room to figure out how to answer. nobody has all the answers all the time even if you know it. sounds like you might want to cut yourself some slack. That you rememberd the question and the moment when you couldn’t answer, shows some insecurity and not incompetence. take control in those situations and remember that people are only asking questions to know, not to see you fail. remember this and you should do alright. If I were you i’d be prepared in those situations, take time. breathe call 10 min break
hope this might have helped
hi everyone, thanks for the posts they all helped
i realized as i came awake this morning – wow! i came awaked this morning, i can only hope!!
i am full of self pity. i have been feeling the pain of jealousy and resentment and blame, over the past few days, everything from anger to despair to self doubt and burn out, then turn ice cold and sleep.
i am also depressed and i feel tired and i just woke up. out of meditation – finding light in the midst of my agony, it hit me this morning for the first time! that i have been full of self pity my whole life. this is comforting to me in a strange way, coz i have been trying to put my finger on why my life’s energies were doused constantly, like it flows out through my feet like a slow leak in a tire.
i grew up in a house where the underdog got the love and it was only when i was hurt that i got pity which was to me, love. and as soon as the huring stopped i knew in a few days i’d be loved or pitied for my injuries. in some twisted way i associate self pity with the possibilitiy of gaining love. the eternal victim. suffering, drains my life. i always believed everyone else is doing fine, except me. nobody knows how hurt i am when my self pity party is in full swing ( I rarely allow anyone else to come to my private party) all this is very difficult and i would love that in 2011 i can learn to love myself truly not because i have been hurt. i would love to become more aware of this in myself so i can move out of it sooner, i am struggling economically because of it and my self confidence is sometimes a big front. it really is a problem. which came first the depression or the pity pot? anyone?
i think if a person has bad breath , he/she is having self pity cause of public humiliation . any help on this
Too me my self pity is defense from the cold cruel indifference of my family. i was a mom the head of my family now my problems and me are child like and pitiful to them..losing 175 out of checking because kid cant pay her bills and tell me to suck it up. death i can deal with indifference and irresponsibility i cannot.
I understand your points about self pity but how does it fit into the greiving process desribed by Kuler-Ross? Should we skip the anger, bargaining and depression?
@Jim Turner: I don’t really think it’s about skipping – but it’s about not getting stuck in any of these stages.
If you grief the loss of a loved one, it’s normal to be angry or depressed – for some time. But at some point, you have to pull yourself up and move on.
Self-pity is an emotional state that tends to manifest and perpetuate itself, rather than resolving – and I think the point of this post is to help people overcome THAT (not to skip or surpress psychologically healthy emotional responses to traumatic events).
Really helpful explanation of self pity – taught me a lot – many thanks. Now to put it into practice.
I just am writing to say that I am missing a head so I constantly feel sorry for myself. Does anyone think that I should feel sorry for myself? I suppose that I should just accept that fact that I will never have a head. If I am feeling sorry for myself am I also dwelling in the past? I mean, it’s not as if my head is going to suddenly appear…it’s been gone so many years. Should I just put my best foot forward and try to find a job? I’m so nervous. The interview will be very strange. Strange days are coming….
My experience with self pity has been having once been married to someone who always felt like he was getting the short end of the stick in life – it was a pattern that got in the way of him seeing how he was responsible for part of what happened to him. He was not a vitcim in every circumstance he imagined. Taking of the reins of our life when bad things happen to us,after a normal grieving period is a healthier way to approach life. I unfortunately see my son has adopted his dads self pity approach, often blaming others for his discontent. It makes me sad. I worry that my sons children will carry on this legacy. I seriously think there may be a genetic component to this type of thinking.
thx for posting this, it really helped, didnt know it would, but its just too easy to feel sorry for yourself, there is no challange in it, and i like challanges!
hi, i hope everything passes by in time.but i guess we must take action now, it hurts to swallow the true feelings but yes we have hope…just move on guys..life is still good after all
I am traped in a bad marriage for 16 years receiving daily abuse, yet I do not want to move on. I feel that I have been a victim and was used at work. I spend my afternoons sitting alone getting high and pitting myself. At times I feel content when I look at my accomplishments and see less fortunate people. (Gratitute) But its a vicious cycle. I bore myself with my self pitty. My wife is always depressed and she is ill, for that reason I cannot find it in myself to leave her. I had big dreams and I invisioned a better life for myself and bigger success. Sigh… there I go again with self pitty. I have no love or admiration for myself. When I stopped getting high, I developed extremely high blood preasure. The other thing is that I am very lonely, at the same time I don’t want to be around pepole when I am feeling down. Sigh…Sigh…
I truly believe when self pity …………which I totally believe are demons. It brings along other demons along with it such as bitterness anger jealousy self hatred and eventually self murder and we need to get that out of our lives. We need to stand strong and fight them with the help of god!
Just found this post as I was about to indulge in a marathon self pity state of mind and needed something positive to put in my brain, so thanks. Interesting to read that you say it’s what led you into drugs and drinking! I’m what is known as a ‘recovering’ alcoholic, haven’t had a drink in over 8 yrs and no desire to do so neither, thank God. But, I never connected my self pity to my addiction and can see immediately that self pity was right at the heart of it!!! Something that no counselor or other professional ever put their finger on and it’s so simple. It’s not only damaging to the self but boring and depressing for anyone we subject to listening to our self pity. Glad I found this site and will check back in, but right now I need to go for a walk along the river and get myself moving out of the temptation to self pity. Big thanks, Over It.
i spend my life in self pity and i hate myself for it. i have so much to give but i am stuck in such resentment i can’t seem to move on. i have no friends. i want so much to be part of something or to help someone but no one looks at me as if i am worth anything. i really am not that bad, and have a kind heart.
Always try to remember something positive in your life, could be family, a pet, a memory, or simply something that you do like about yourself. Everyone must have something positive. Hold that thought and fade out the negative attitude. Everyone has at least one thing to be thankful for. Overtime if you keep doing that everytime you are feeling blue, I am sure that your life will be moving forward. Its worh trying, don’t you think… I wish you all the best.
you are okay
What if everything you love is far away and thinking about them makes it even worse. What should I grasp on to then?
I’ve been widowed for over a year now and I have waves of self pity. What I do to shake it off is that I go for a walk, take a bike ride, get out among people. It doesn’t solve the loneliness, it just puts it off for a while. I just think it takes time and patience. I’m lonely in a crowd. I started to volunteer a few days a month and that is a good feeling. Losing a lifelong companion is tough but knowing that others went before me and lived through it helps.
just think positive every things gonna be okey,just believe in God..
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