Moving Beyond Self Pity
How can a person overcome self pity and stop feeling sorry for themselves?
Self pity is a comforting behavior that fills a need for obsessive thinking. Therefore, the key to beating it is to recognize it when it creeps into your thoughts and eliminate it immediately. Because feeling sorry for oneself becomes a pattern over time, you need to retrain your brain not to think so negatively.
Here’s how to do it:
1. Create a zero tolerance policy with yourself – this is what got me “on the road to recovery” when it came to my self pity. I simply made a pact with myself that I would not allow myself to indulge in it any more. This was a re-training of my brain; a new way of thinking for me. In most cases, this “mental policy” worked out really well for me. However, when self-pity persisted, I had to seek other means.
Photo by Fuseman and ellectric
2. Move your body – Physical exercise is critical for arresting this type of depression. If you force yourself to be physically active and really get your heart rate going, this will have a profound effect on your emotional well being. If you move your body your mind will follow. Physical energy and motivation can empower your whole life. Getting in shape can be a springboard to better emotional health. This can be a huge piece of the puzzle that many people will overlook or simply discount. Get active and you’ll be happier for it!
3. Choose Gratitude - This is a direct attack on self pity: you cannot feel both grateful and sorry for yourself at the same time. The two feelings are completely incompatible. Gratitude is the ticket out of misery and self-absorption. If you have to, sit down and force yourself to write a list of everything you are grateful for. My sponsor tells me to list at least 50 things. Seems a bit simplistic, but getting it all down in writing can work wonders for you.
Choose Gratitude.
It’s so much more empowering than feeling sorry for yourself.
Self pity is my favorite character defect. It is what made me into an addict. When I needed to rationalize my drinking or drug use, my favorite technique was to feel sorry for myself. Sad but true. It always worked so well for me. I loved the feeling that my life was spinning out of control, and that people had done me wrong, and that I was a true victim. This really didn’t happen all that often in my life; people were actually pretty good to me. But when ever I got the chance, I loved to feel sorry for myself, and I used the feeling to justify my drinking.
Because I’m such a shy person, I’ve grown accustomed to using rejection to fuel my pity-parties. My diseased little mind thinks that rejection is the worst thing in the world–even worse than death itself. This irrational belief typically paralyzes me and keeps me from taking healthy risks. In my recovery, I’ve worked on this character defect, and gotten a little better at it. So I take more risks, and usually it pays off. But rejection is a part of life–experiencing rejection on an occasional basis is inevitable. It’s going to happen. So I’ve had to learn how to get over my tendency to throw an “internal pity-party.”
In the beginning of my recovery, I had lots of reasons to feel down on myself. As time went on, my life in recovery got better–in almost every way–and I learned how to stop mentally playing the victim role.
For a more complete guide to overcoming self pity, check this out: Stop Feeling Sorry For Yourself and Overcome Self Pity
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anthony Says:
i too have alot of self pity in my life, reading your story really made sense to me. It takes to much energy to feel sorry for yourself, i’ll rather use that energy to have fun and help other people. thanks!
Patrick Says:
Hang in there Anthony….I’m glad to hear that you’re helping others in your recovery….keep it up!
Jen / domestika Says:
I don’t think a person necessarily needs to be battling addiction in order to profit by your experience and advice. Well done, Patrick. Thanks.
patrick Says:
most gratefull for u sharing this experience and “tips” to stop self pity ,
patrick
jody Says:
Thank you for the post. It really helped me to put my petty woes into perspective.
Carlos Says:
Thank you, so far I have read this page only and it made me think about my self pity addiction, above all your writing about believing that rejection is worst than everything else including death, this produced in me the idea that when I feel sorry for myself I am really trying to cope with my feelings of total worthlessness.
Thanks
Carlos
Max Brenner Says:
There is nothing wrong with self-pity, it’s a natural feeling and a growth oriented process.
People who say to “Stop feeling sorry for yourself” are repressive, dysfunctional and destructive towards others Their objective is to invalidate the pain of others and make them fell insecure for experiencing the pain of their lives. It is an attack on people for sharing the pain of their lives.
IT is an attack of repressive people.
Rejoice in self-pity, defend it and tell the attackers to go to hades!
Viva Self-Pity!
People who love themselves fell sorry for themselves, it is only natural and on felling sorry for themselves they take care to identify what has caused them pain and to deal with who and what has caused them pain and nourish themselves to be happy.
I encourage people who have denied themselves self-pity to re-integrate this feeling back into their personality or else you became like the Nazi personality without empathy or warmth.
Max Brenner Says:
I also noticed you said:
“Self pity is a comforting behavior”
This is probably the problem in your thinking/ “Behaviour” is not a feeling, it is a set of actions. Self-pity is only a small feeling, there are far greater emotions such as grief , pain and sorrow, all of them perfectly valid and necessary for the healthy human to grow emotionally. Sure change negative behaviour” but the motivation for doing so is from feeling not denying feeling.
Patrick Says:
Max, I think we might be getting caught up in the words themselves, but I disagree with what you are literally saying.
I agree that if someone is attacking a grieving person and invalidating their feelings, that they should back off. It is important to process our feelings, including those of sadness. You’re right, it is natural to feel them and to grieve over some things.
But self-pity is never a natural feeling. Emotionally balanced and healthy people do not engage in self pity. This is because self-pity is an unhealthy extension of the grieving process. It is taking sadness to an extreme.
Self pity is to sadness what resentment is to anger. It is never healthy. Ever.
Yes, you can be sad. You might even grieve for a very long time. This might be normal. But creating drama in our lives (or just in our heads) for the sake of feeling sad for ourselves is not healthy.
(I think you probably agree with all these ideas, we might just be mincing words here. What are your thoughts?)
Thanks so much for your comment, Max!
Max Brenner Says:
No Patrick, I believe you and many others have completely misunderstood the process and misidentified the problem, It is dysfunctional to attack other people when they are not just feeling grief but even just sad or sorry for themselves. In such dysfunctional families or relationships and even in general society it is part of an everyday abuse process where the abusee is discredited from complaining or finding redress or validation of their experience.
I admit you might see some problem, but it is not the feeling of self-pity, and to deny this feeling is destructive. It is also destructive to deny other feelings such as anger, all are beautiful and all are to be loved and enjoyed. This what I have learned from another source is the foundation of growth, I looked out on the internet to see if there was any sane person that understood this and I am happy to report I did.
Here is something to read:
http://www.pete-walker.com/recoverySelfpity.htm
[quote]
I am often saddened when I hear adult children parrot the “conventional wisdom” that it is bad to feel sorry for yourself. This so-called wisdom shames people out of normal, healthy, self-pity. Everyone needs to occasionally feel sorry for themselves. Tears for the self are some of the most potently healing experiences of recovery. Self-pity, in balance and moderation, is extremely healing. Recovery, in fact, is often very limited until there are profound experiences of feeling sorry for the self.[/quote]
I have seen many people in society invalidate the experience of others with this attack and by doing that you cannot understand the basic experience of others. Self-pity like guilt is a natural, useful feeling and emotion which is a necessary and wonderful part of the human condition.
Turn on to self-pity and it will be part of a natural curative growth process.
Incidentally, the more anyone feels a feeling or emotion I.E.runs to it, the more it runs away. Feel true joy in all emotions and they burn up and are like will of wisps and cannot be held. This applies to all emotion. It’s the denial that gives them prolongation.
I do believe whatever solution you found was not effective to the denial of self-pity, it was probably a solution to some other problem than self-pity.
Self-pity doesn’t have to be grief, it can be about any ordinary thing. If one loves oneself, it is good to feel sorry for oneself , to protect oneself. When i feel self-pity I enjoy my feeling and I regard anyone who attacks me for my having my feeling as an obnoxious enemy.
All feelings are oneself, the things we feel about are external to ourselves but our feelings are in effect ourselves, they are the translation to the outside hurtful world, the inside world the more we accept and love the more an faster we integrate.
No, I can’t see your point of view unless it is you have some definition of self-pity that really you mean some kind of behaviour that you think is wired one to one to the feeling. In that case I might have no idea what self-pity means to you, except that you may have made assumptions and not examined the depth. I think the difference is in perception might be benign to some cases and harmful in others.
I caught this attitude from someone in public and I wondered so I used the net to research popular attitudes. There seems to be a schism in the public consciousness. I have to say that what you seem to take as axiomatic is very strange to me as I was not socialized in the popular culture yet I am sure it may a popular attitude.
I like to research public attitudes that I think might contribute to emotional dysfunction.
Thank you for responding.
(corrected email)
Max Brenner Says:
“But self-pity is never a natural feeling. Emotionally balanced and healthy people do not engage in self pity.”
So Okay, here is a question. Where is your supporting evidence or observations for such a conclusion? Most likely you were unable to tolerate your own feelings or emotions or someone attacked you and you participated in your own self-destruction by the process of introjection.
In every case of self-destruction you might present it would be the actual self-destructive behaviour that is to blame and not the human feeling. The destructive behaviors no doubt is an attempt by individuals to escape the feeling,Your solution is to deny the feeling which is no better. Simply feel the feeling and it expires by being used up, there is no need to escape it, pillory it or hate the feeling.
Emotionally healthy and balanced people achieve their balance by accepting their emotions and feeling them to the full extent not by rejecting them.
You have for sure mis-identified the source of the problem which is behaviour and not feeling.
for instance, if I feel sorry for myself for being bullied by co-workers, schoolmates or family it is totally healthy. I will nourish myself to treat myself nicely, I will hate the abusers and resist them to protect myself but if I let them or life experience tell me my self-pity is invalid I will let them kick me into the grave and I will not nourish myself to sustain my essential emotional self-worth and life.
It’s not merely special circumstances, it’s everyday living.
I will treat myself the same as I will others. I will feel sorry for others and attempt to help them and I will not deny this process for myself.
Patrick Says:
This is an excellent discussion Max, I think you are making some great points. It is sort of a slippery discussion we are having!
I see where you are coming from: feelings are natural and need to be felt fully by the person, never to be denied and repressed (that is unhealthy). But I think we are disagreeing merely on definitions, I should really clarify my statements and say that self-pity the feeling is OK, but self-pity the recurring behavior (or mindset) is defeating.
I think you are right Max, that if someone does you wrong, feeling sad, even for yourself, is a natural response. But do you draw the line when you continue to hang on to that sad feeling, day after day, and repeatedly replaying the scene in your mind, focusing on how you are the victim and how people have done you wrong? The longer you hang on to something like this, the more it qualifies as resentment or self-pity (in my opinion).
Grief or sadness, even for the self, is acceptable. But a pattern of obsessive feelings like that are not healthy. I still stand by this, because I use to live that way, amplifying situations in my mind where I had been geniunely mistreated, and dwelling on them for longer than necessary in order to “comfort” myself. To me, that is the essence of self pity, and I can look back now and see how it was limiting my growth and my energy to move forward and create a better life for myself.
Thank you so much for your insight, I really appreciate it and hope you are getting something out of this as well.
Deboria Says:
I understand what Max is saying. There is nothing that hurts so much as when I am already hurting and for my mother tell me stop feeling sorry for myself. When I just want someone to validate that my emotions are ok to feel.
I also understand you Patrick because it’s when you find self-pity to be a constant in your life is when it’s not natural and it doesn’t go away. I am full of feelings. Very much so and I don’t like to express them to others so they are all to myself and I feel every one of them. I let myself feel every one of them like Max said… but I am sorry to say Max… they don’t go away and poof I am fine again. They actually rule my life unconciously. It comes to the point where I just want to stop feeling and that’s where I think alot of people (myself included) get into addictions.
Now after 15 years of being sobor these feelings are much alive in me. I found this site because I want to be more in control of my feelings and the way they rule my life.
I am much a recluse because of my fears of rejection!!! The worst feeling in the world. The feelings never go away.. The tears never dry up.
Staying sobor and trying to control my feelings, I only managed to harden my heart. This is not what I want to achieve so I will continue to pray, give God my heartscry and search for healthier ways to allow myself to manage my feelings.
Thanks for the very insteresting and intellegent subject.
Teri Says:
I am thinking my life would be better if I was addicted to drugs/alcohol, then I could see the changes when pulling my self up form the wrath of addiction. However, after reading this website, I realize I do have an addiction; Laziness. Self pity, helps keep me lazy! I love being lazy but I feel tremendous guilt, so I wallow in self pity to have an excuse to be lazy. I don’t like self pity, so I am going to have to force myself to move and be more productive while changing my thoughts.
Patrick Says:
Hi there Teri
Sounds more like depression to me, because what you describe sounds like a cycle. I am no psychologist though, but be grateful you don’t have to contend with addiction (might want to stay on gaurd against the possibility though, couldn’t hurt!)
Thanks for your comment and good luck to you.
upma Says:
I lost my father 4 months back. Now on every small problem also i get very upset and insecure. Help me. to become carefree of this world.
dsfksdfsdfsdv Says:
Ahh, you will help other so that you feel better, that is so selfish.
I will continue pitty myself, and I won’t help no one.
Patrick Says:
Prayers for you, Upma. I hope you can find a way to become carefree again and find the joy in life. I’m afraid I don’t have any profound wisdom for you. Just get out there and move your body and interact with others, try to help people. These are the basic principles that bring me joy. Exercise and helping other addicts to recover and interacting with people. Good luck to you and God bless.
Rene Says:
Thank Heavens for people like Max -for understanding. It’s not like we want to feel this self pity – it just seems to occur, or to think us.I don’t think it serves anyone to be told that it’s intolerable to feel self pity. It just makes us feel worse. I also remember the hurt and invalidation I felt when my mom told me to stop feeling sorry for myself. It would have been so great if she could just have asked, what hurt so much – just listened and heard. Then it could be easier to just let go.
We all come to this site in search of help. None of us want to feel this ache in our hearts. And we need to find ways out, so it doesn’t just perpetuate, as it seems to- for years and years, because we reject it and scorn it. Hiding there till our pain bodies get activated again- so we can feel guilty and bad and wrong for feeling this inner sadness.
Thank you Max, for saying it’s okay, so we can just feel it out, knowing it’s normal, and this too will pass, in it’s own time. And I’ve also found that acceptance of this human emotion does lead us out – into the light.
Patrick Says:
Rene, you thank Max for understanding your plight with self-pity, but then in your comment you talk about “feeling it out, knowing it’s normal, and that it will pass.”
I agree with that statement and I would never deny anyone those feelings. That stuff has nothing to do with self-pity. Real self-pity is not a feeling, it is an obsessive mechanism of the mind; a mental game we play with ourselves in order to play the victim and eventually justify outlandish behavior.
I agree that it is right to feel our feelings and process them naturally. There is nothing wrong with being sad. But self pity goes far beyond what you describe in your comment.
Anonymous Says:
Hi.
This is a very useful discussion. I am on my way to recovering from a strong bout of self-pity and inertia – caused by you know who? Me. Coz I blew a small bit of criticism from people who are very close, out of proportion. And they didn’t even mean it to be taken so seriously.
I think it’s important that we feel pain when somehting hurts us or another person/being. Compassion’s origin lies in something meaning ‘sharing pain’. Without that one runs the risk of becoming the inhuman Nazi-oid that Max is talking about.
But I think we also need to perceive our own reality and accurately. Loss of touch with this is a characteristic of psychotic illness and needs specialised treatment. I found that during my phase of self-pity, my reality perception was highly distorted – I was not making use of even the smallest blessings that I have.
Having friends around is a great help because when you have people around you, they are likely to see things in a little more perspective. But beware of people who are also prone to self-pity – the collective inertia can ruin you. Humour is generally a great way to face reality and not take it too much to heart.
The best cure I’ve found for addictive self-pity is – DO something. Run, cook, clean, write, play music, get your rear end moving. If you got to do something, that forces you to engage with reality. Chances are you’ll also meet others who are doing something. And that’s a great way to recover. You also find that things are not THAT bad. The second rule of thumb is – stop comparing. This was one of my huge weaknesses. If we have realistic expectations, we can’t be disappointed unduly. This does not mean lowering one’s standards altogether – that happens with self-pity – but just bringing them down temporarily so that you can feel yourself getting there. Your goals have to tease you into action.
If the self pity is because of issues with another person (parents, break-ups, etc) , it’s a little more complicated. What I find is that you need to be your own ultimate source of happiness and cannot make it conditional on anybody else.
All this of course applies to people basically psychologicaly healthy. Those who are clinically depressed etc. would need much more intense, specialised therapy or medication.
But even in getting help, one needs to keep up one’s own commitment to happiness. There’s a joke – how many psychologists are needed to change a light bulb? …..
Only one, but the bulb has to want to change.
Sorry for the long post
Anonymous Says:
Oh yeah.
There is a beautiful book called ‘The Power of Now’ by Eckhart Tolle. It has helped me a lot. It’s tricky though!
Good luck to everybody here. I know getting out of self-pity is no easy task, especially if it’s tied up with addictions.
George Says:
I’m the exact same way and I’m just now starting to realise how much of a toll this has taken on my life. I too have drowned my sorrows away in booze and chain smoking, and I am also a very shy person. This post really relates to me and has given me really good advice on how to deal with my problem. It’s also so nice to see that I’m not the only person in the world that has been feeling like this. Just reading this makes me feel like I’m not alone at all. Thank you very much for the help.
Ess Says:
My favourite tipple of late seems to be a coctail of sluggishness, anti-social behaviour to people who i once considered friends, and you guessed it, feeling like the victim. I’m probably suffering depression and i probably have no good reason to feel this badly about myself but its a hard cycle to break, i dont want to do anything except lie around and watch tv in bed, alone, and when i’m at work im irritable and just watching the clock. I hate being this way but i dont think the mind is as easily retrained as reading suggestions on a website first seemed.
A few months ago i was the opposite of this, and during a long holiday for unknown reasons i came back a miserable individual (and misery seems to attract misery in all aspects of life) so things just became worse and worse. Work is a catylyst to these feelings, and being at home in the same environment doesn’t help either. Ever get the feeling that it’s just not worth getting up in the mornings?
It does help writing this stuff down. I want to be who i was and not care one bit what others think, but my irrational and pityful mind won’t let me try and step back and progress…
satan Says:
I would like to know, how i could help someone that has an addiction of mental abuse on people so then everyone feels sorry for her ( the person giving the mental abuse). How do you fix it or what can i do to attempt to fix it. Or if anyone has had this problem!…….
Nanette Says:
This is a very good discussion. I appricate what everyone is saying. I can understand self-pity because I have lived my life with it.
A year before I was born, my father was driving drunk and had a car accident that killed his best friend. Any normal person would feel extremely sad and perhaps even self-pity at this grave error in judgement, and it would be wrong for anyone to scold them for thier feelings. I agree with Max that people who try to stop the sadness and self-pity are damaging the person. BUT, self-pity that goes on and on and on for year after year is extremely unhealthy and ultimately, leads to self-distruction – which I think was Patrick’s point. Self-pity that takes a permanent hold on a person leads to misery.
My father, dispite his becomming a successful attorney and achieving wealth and admiration in our community and our church, continued to harbor self-pity for decades after the accident. Despite all the blessings of financial security, a loving wife, three wonderful children who adored him, and forgiveness from the family of the boy who died, my father clung to his debilitating mind-set, drowning his sorrows in alcohol. Recovering addicts call this “hugging a porcupine”.
Eventually, at age 45, he shot himself. The note he left behind was filled with statements like, “I am a worthless person”, and “you all would be better off without me”. A tribute to self-pity.
I think it is human to feel self-pity from time to time. None of us are perfect people. But chronic self-pity that consumes your days and nights for months and years, is a sign that you need to attend to an injury and search for healing. Unfortunately, many people like my father (and myself, for years after his suicide), find a kind of warped comfort in their self-pity. It’s an excuse to avoid taking action.
Thomas Merton, the great writer and poet, said, “Despair is the absolute exteme of self-love. It is reached when a man deliberately turns his back on all help from anyone in order to taste the rotten luxury of knowing himself to be lost.”
I have struggled most of my life with my own self-pity as a result of the choice my father made. He was the most important person in my life – my hero and my mentor. He was kind, loving, and patient with everyone but himself. The best remedy I have found for it is a combination of gratitude, faith, and helping others. It takes the focus off myself when that focus has become an unhealthy obsession. When I do that – things always turn around.
Patrick Says:
Nanette, that is a killer quote there by Thomas Merton, thank you so much for sharing it.
That is the essence of why I love to indulge in self pity. It is my own little pleasure and I can put the rest of the world inside of this different box and say “they are all ok, and they do not feel my pain and sorrow, nor do they care. Woe is me.”
That is the gist of it anyway. Man I can be sick. But I choose not to go there today…..
Katheryna Says:
Over the last 9 years I have been working my way through doubt and confusion and have just realised today that I have used self pity as a tool to disect and analyse who I am and what I mean to those close to me. Though prolonged and painful it may prove to have been a necessary surgery but as with any invasive operation there is always scaring and only time will tell how bad that might be.
I had a great need to know and understand both myself and the world better and I have achieved that to a profound and satisfying degree through self pity and self enquiry but at some expense to myself and those close to me.
I can’t help but agree with a lot of what Max says, had I received greater understanding and compassion I might not have had to look to myself so much, but there I go again! As long as you keep your self pity objective and in balance I think it can be helpful, but it’s like an internal drug for the brain and like normal drugs or alcohol it becomes addictive and in the end a danger to your mental and physical being.
It’s been a helava long trip, perhaps one I’ve had hard wired into me even before birth if my family history is taken into consideration. BUT today I am going to try and give up Self Pity!
Patrick Says:
Hi Katheryna
Self analysis is a useful tool but if we are just using it as a means to create drama in our own mind then it is probably becoming a problem.
What makes resentment so destructive? It eats up mental energy. It is obsession. We relive the anger over and over again. This takes away from our mental energy and robs us of our happiness. We think we want to be angry and feel justified in our anger. All the while we could be happy and content.
Self pity, or obsessive self analysis, is the same way. Any obsessive thinking is robbing you of mental energy and happiness.
I agree with Max that we should not try to invalidate someone’s feelings. But self pity is more than just a natural processing of feelings or emotions; it is an unhealthy, obsessive state of mind that linger on for too long….
Anna Says:
Hello, this is a great site that has given me great insights. I just want to say thanks to all. I am currently traveling and was working in a beautiful orphanage. Yet though such great fortunes were around me, i still indulged in self-pity. It made me at times blind to the magic around me and caused me great anger as it would make me feel trapped. I am currently still struggling with these feelings but from reading this site i don’t feel so alone and that to me is of utmost importance.
David Says:
Wow….I am completly speechless. I had suspicions that I indulged in self pity…. And the affirmations of everyone around me confirmed it. I can’t believe I never saw it before reading this article. I want to say thank you to everyone who contributed to this discussion because it surely has helped me. Now if there only was a way for me to undo the years of damage and time wasted that I have inflicted on myself. A special thankyou to the contributor who said that the two best ways to overcome self pity is to get off your a**!!!! And stop comparing yourself to others. I cannot express how helpful this was. I would only like to add that music is such a strong power that can be harnessed to either improve or destroy your current mood. Good luck to all!!!!!
Sofia Says:
My boyfriend is a wonderful person with endless potential but he wallows in self-pity. In the past, I’ve wondered if he does this seeking reassurance, but lately, I suspect that the problem runs deeper. I feel that he suffers from some sort of complex that has resulted from his past traumas.
I feel that his obsession with all that has gone wrong in his life seems to hold him back from all that could and should go right. I love him and don’t want to miss out on seeing him blossom into his potential; but, I’m afraid that by constantly being caught in his wake of sadness, boredom, and stagnation that he’s holding me back from reaching my own potential. I am coming to the realization, however, that there is nothing I can do for him if he wont do so for himself.
I wish he would help himself so that we can grow together. He would be more than wonderful if he could just get past his past. If he could become proactive rather than reactive.
If you’re suffering from self-pity, you should do your best to overcome it as fast as possible. If you don’t, you could be hindering your relationships. Don’t let your life pass you by…
People always say that “love conquers all” but if you can’t love yourself first, you can’t love someone as they deserve. I know that I must love me, so I can love him. For that very reason, I can’t watch his continued self-destruction. If I stay as he continues to tear himself apart, I’m simply advocating or condoning this negative behavior. If I go, maybe it’ll act as a catalyst for change. Either way, it’ll benefit both of us as I can’t continue to live under his rain-cloud and he can’t continue to think that he can survive with me as his emotional crutch. Tough love :( He needs to change.
Advice to you, if you’re attending your very own self-pity party: cheer up! It could be worse! Every new second brings with it a new opportunity to start over again, start over, don’t give up, if you fail, try again, if you fall, get back up, if your house is destroyed, build a new one, keep it moving, keep on smiling, keep on dreaming, if your dreams shatter, make new dreams… if you’re moving forward you’re not moving backward and you’re not staying in place! Take a chance!!!! Find a reason to smile, if you can’t find one, give yourself a reason to smile. Like remembering something good, something fun, something healthy…
Take care of your body, take care of your mind, take care of your heart, spirit and you’ll see that life will become so much easier if you just change your perspective.
As for my boyfriend, I just hope he sees me before it’s too late.
Violette Says:
Hi , I’ve been wallowing in self pity since my husband left , 5 years ago ! We had been to-gether since childhood so it was , to say the least , a shock , I am in my middle fifties . I live in France and my great problem is loneliness , I know if that could be addressed I would not be so addicted to self pity . It has become an addiction , as has been posted by others it becomes familiar , comfortable . France is not the place for making friends easily . I do feel when it is know one is on their own folk do avoid .
To be able to write about it is of great help .
I don’t have work and to wake up everyday to find something to do that I feel is worthwhile is soul destroying . I walk but I don’t get the buzz to lift my spirits .
This has really been good , to be able to write about it a little . How to find the lift to go through life though ?
Take care .
Shannin Says:
My man left me because I drove him away with the whole being a needy victim thing. Said that I really just needed to work on fixing me. Perhaps after that has started he could find his way back to me. Rather than taking his advice for what it was, I decided to swim in a pool of self pity. Woe is me, my man left me and my girls all alone. I managed to drive away my brother who I just met in only one night. Then even after my man and I had a deep meaningful talk that really offered hope of a future together down the road, after I fix some of those me issues, I managed to somehow dive head first into that familiar pool again, and in all likelyhood, drove him further away and dont even know why I was continuing on with my party for one! I restarted therapy and have been waiting for her to offer some insight or some helpful little tools to begin the repairs that I so desperately need. Then I stumbled on this page and have already began using the tools offered here. Thank you for posting this web site!!! It has already been more help than a months worth of therapy been. THANK YOU!!!!
Shannin Says:
Oh and yes I am a recovering drug addict, and yes I have found myself thinking of using to “supress the pain”. I have been clean for almost three years and I have not relapsed. I am proud to say that I instead chose to use the internet to try and find some type of aide to change the pattern and the thinking that I tend to follow. So I would have to say that the fact that I have grown that much would be high up on my list of things that I am grateful for!!! YEA ME!!!
bhel Says:
hi,
thank you for this site, just this morning i am suffering from self-pity and it made me cry and unproductive. I am a pastor’s wife and i feel my husband is not giving me importance for not trusting and giving me money. Whenever he does this same thing, it often leads me to history because since we got married it always happen. We’re married for almost 15 years. He always hide his financial to me but later on he tells or i am the one who discover it. I feel sorry for myself because i have no resources to buy things i like for my kids and myself and i have no chance to help my parents and siblings in terms of financial.Reading your posts and other testimonies helped me. And first of all i know God is the one who can and able to help me overcome this. He led me to your site. God bless.
James Says:
Hey all,
It’s nice to see that other people are feeling the way I am — which some might call depression and some might call self-pity. I don’t think either name has more validity than the other, and there are some other words that probably work as well. I have gone through periods in my life with this feeling, but usually I’ve been able to stay hopeful because I can objectively say that things are good. And I do have a lot to be grateful for still, but the way the world is going right now (i work in the media, which like many industries is experiencing radical shifts in work and pay) makes it hard for me to have that objective rock to hang onto. So I feel a little lost in the river, and scared, and wondering if it’s all really worth it.
One thing I’ve noticed about self-pity and gratitude is the way other people feel about it when you’re in it — as though you are consciously choosing to feel bad, and I don’t think it’s that easy. It’s not through a fault of your own that you end up this way. This is a normal emotion in the human spectrum, a feeling of defeat that prompts us to withdraw, so we can live to fight again another day. Makes sense. But some of us see defeat where it doesn’t exist; I know I do.
Anyway, I guess I just wanted to put it out there that, in my experience, the judgments we put on self-pity (BAD!) and gratitude (GOOD!) are part of the problem. When you consider that being grateful is merely a tool to feel differently about your own life, it’s just as selfish as self-pity is. This might sound like some abstract argument for a theology class, but it comes from a very real place: it took me a long time to reason out and understand why having people tell me to “Cheer up!” always made me feel worse. Because it’s a value judgment that said I was bad for feeling this way.
But really, in my own experience, these two emotional states suffer from the labels of good and bad, because when you are labeled “bad” you resent the pious righteousness of the “good,” and when you are “good” you look down on the “bad” as weak or willful or, well, bad.
Really, self-pity and gratitude are neither of them states of good or bad. They are more like seasonings like salt and sugar. If you don’t like the taste of how you feel, maybe a little bit of one or the other will help, so give it a try.
When we look at these things in this light, we are able to have more compassion for each other and the ways that we feel, and compassion is a far more valuable tool than judgment, since it brings us together, while judgment only holds us apart.
naveen Says:
The one and only way to take oneself out of self pity is achieving the thing for which you are mourning for.
Emily Says:
I have enjoyed reading people’s comments and it has been eye-opener. I didn’t realize how much of an impact self-pity has on my life.
Understanding that gratitude is an important factor in getting over self-pity is new to me. It’s hard to be thankful for being you when you feel self-pitiful.
Being self-pitiful has influenced my realtionships with others to the degree that I question why I have them. Why do I have friends? Why do people care about me? And I tend to blame it all on them in the end. Well, I know it’s not their fault. And for years I struggled to understand why I would be so happy being unhappy.
I really like the quote someone submitted by Thomas Merton. “…the rotten luxury of knowing himself to be lost.” It’s true that I feel this way.
reading other’s people comments and knowing that I am not alone comforts me. Thanks everyone.
Rob Says:
I heard a voice self pity and it was from Jesus lord God
when I heard it in English I did not know what it is
in my languge so I went on the net and found out it is self pity
this is sin and we need to make a war with it
Jesus bless you all
http://www.youtube.com/seekjesus1
JTG Says:
Thank you so much for your insightful thoughts. I can relate to this 100%. What worries me is that this self-pity is isolating. No one wants to be around me because it is all on my face – worry, sadness, the low and slow voice and slow movements. Then I start ruminating about why I don’t have many friends and create more self-pity. I’m going to fight this.
Kevin Says:
Lonleiness and depression seem to have dominated my life now for the past year and a half. I went on a mission trip to Mississippi to help with the destruction caused from Katrina. I got back home feeling excited and ready to spread God’s word throughout the world. I soon discovered how close I had become with the people I had went on that trip with and started to feel lonely. Im extremely shy so I never expressed my loneliness or unhappiness with anyone. Eventually I started feeling sorry for myself, because (as I told myself) no one would really care about what i was feeling, they probably don’t even like me in the first place, why would anyone like me?
This went on for about a year before I finally decided to try to do something about it, and the results were astonishing! I discovered from various sites on the internet that I, for some reason, was having trouble accepting that this life changing trip was done. I had to put it behind me. I finally accomplished just that, but now Im starting to feel sorry for myself once again.
The first thing I noticed when I wondered what could be causing my grief this time was that the music I had been listening to recently was all very slow and sad. I can’t even begin to explain how much my attitude has changed just by taking out my sad Don Henley CD and putting in my christian, or upbeat classic rock, CD’s. Im still not completely over feeling sorry for myself but I have made some major improvements to my overall mood.
Kathy Says:
Thanks a lot for this article. You rock!!!
anonymous Says:
Im 20/f. Im case of a transformation from a complete geeky girl to a hottie. it only sounds nice i swear…to go through it is insane. As a geek in school,i grew up to be very ambitious and i had soooooooo many friends and suddenly after i chagned i saw all my friends left my back.
I’ve been through crazy shit growin up since a very young age!! IV FACED BULLYING FROM WHEN I WAS HARDLY 7-8,and a million other things.bt i found joy in making my friends smile and helpin people in general.
When I finally got to really be happy..none of my “friends” could take it :\ i got a bf.–i transformed physically and im also in a good coll. doing a very good course.THEY STOPPED CALLING AND EVENTUALLY VANISHED FROM MY LIFE–ALL LOST ALL TRUST I COULD EVER HAVE IN PEOPLE. then in coll. things got worse.. just when i thought Ill start afresh.i thought i will make new friends..trust people again n blah blah..
but they were pathetic..since the course requires high grades, every1 is basically a geek! they misjudge me as some bitchy girl and behave accordingly with me,im NOT LIKE THAT…THEY JUST DONT BELIEVE ME.. :\ this way neither do i get along with un-hot lookin people nor with the pretty girls. THE WORST PART IS I GREW UP AS A TOMB BOY..AND M IN A GIRLS’ COLL!!!!!!!!!!! and for good scores they stoop to low levels..things that my principles dont allow me to do..because of which im nt doin academicly well either..ITS LIKE IM IN A POSITION WHERE TO ACHIEVE MY GOALS I HAVE TO STEP OVER MY PRINCIPLES … :\ I cannot do that!!!! plus i have done pretty well considering my circumstances but no1 is there to hear me out :(
apart from all this there are other general problems,my asthama that is hampering my efficiency,prob.s with my bf who has decided he cant take me anymre and has left !!
:\ Im sooow lonely now..im a single child with huge amount of responsibilities and all the emotional stress…im thinking that I’ve developed a habit of pitying myself.IM ALWAYS CRYING (only WHEN IM ALONE)…my parents have never seen me cry–my grandpa says im not just the daughter but the son as well..so ive always have to be strong that way…but i think I’ve lost all strength ,Im not strong anymore,now i dont feel like “working hard” because i dont know if its of any use..
my persevierence is dying, Ive made huge sacrifises and faced alot of redecule and rejection for things that my father expects me to do from a very very young age and even now.. i look up to him alot..making him proud of me is like a drug… but Ive realized that nothing i achieve is enough!!I never get the recognition that i deserve.. Everything i do/achieve/not achieve/say/ or even watch on TV is judged … :\ my dad is always judging me and he never believes of how people are in coll. !! And my so-called-failures are attributed to me :’( i feel helpless…since im so alone and the 1 person who understood me (my bf of 2 yrs.) is also gone because of my self pitying /aggressive behavior…
PLEASE TELL ME AM I GOING CRAZY ????? Ive strated to question if im normal or the people around me are ? Im a very independent self respecting person..now im thinkin if all that is of any use in the real world.. :\
Patrick Says:
@ anonymous – I don’t think anything is wrong with you, I think you are going through some pretty normal emotions.
What I would suggest is to focus on the positive relationships in your life….really make some changes based on the positive influencers in your life, and make a real effort to weed out the negative influences and minimize them.
It sounds to me like you have slowly acquired the wisdom necessary to tell who is a real friend at this point. If you focus on the positive relationships I think they will rub off on you and be more supportive for you. You are not crazy. I think you just need to give yourself a break and give it some time…..