One of the most important things to do if you are living with an alcoholic is to set limits and boundaries. You can do this by:
1) Deciding what is acceptable behavior and what is NOT acceptable behavior from the alcoholic.
2) Communicating this to the alcoholic.
That’s it. If you can do these 2 things, then your behavior can have a positive effect. While it is impossible to make someone change against their will, your actions can still have an effect.
So, the question you need to start with is this: “What constitutes unacceptable behavior?”
The answer to this question can be better understood if you practice the concept of detachment. With detachment, what you do is to mentally separate the alcoholics behavior from their disease of alcoholism. This can help illustrate what is acceptable and what is not.
Basically, anything that you would find unacceptable from a sober person is unacceptable from someone who is alcoholic. In other words, there are no excuses, no free rides just because someone has a disease. Don’t make any concessions because someone is alcoholic. If an alcoholic gets drunk and stays up all night partying, then misses work, do not scramble around for them and try to save them and save their job. You would not do this for a sober person so why should you do it for someone who is drunk? They need to face their own consequences without you coming to their rescue.
Now this does not mean that you need to maliciously try to trip them up or get them into trouble. The alcoholic can do this on their own. Simply stop rescuing them and allowing them to manipulate you into propagating their drinking. Put your foot down and decide what is not acceptable to you and stick to your guns. Here are some guidelines for how to do that:
1) Never make hollow threats - it might be tempting to threaten the alcoholic with something that you don’t really intend to follow through with. Resist the temptation to do so as this will create problems when you are later tested. Only set limits and boundaries that you fully intend to enforce.
2) Never do anything for the alcoholic that they could do for themselves – if they were sober. No enabling.
3) No more rescuing – let them experience natural consequences of their drinking. The only thing that will make them change eventually is to experience enough pain from their drinking. Never deny them of their pain.
It is a fine line between helping the alcoholic and enabling them. This become especially tricky when you are living with the alcoholic. It is easy to say that we should not deny the alcoholic of their pain, but it is another thing to let them actually fall on their face a few times. Difficult to practice in real life.
If you are living with a drunk then you need to make sure you stop enabling them in any way, such that they hit their bottom sooner and seek help for their addiction. Protect yourself first and foremost by trying to detach from them emotionally, and don’t give in to any tantrums or angry threats they may make while intoxicated. Let them suffer their own natural consequences by getting out of their way.
Recommended Reading
- Overcoming Addiction
- A Flustered and Angry Newcomer Exclaims: “AA Meetings Make Me Want to Drink”
- Alcohol Support Groups are Most Helpful in Early Recovery
- What Could Have Prevented an Alcoholic Relapse?
- Holistic Addiction Treatment Center
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{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }
Every weekend is the same. I know he is going to come home with his box of beer and just keep drinking until he passes out. And then he wonders why he’s tired all of the time? Hmm….I don’t!
About a month ago, I was in a serious cycling accident. I take complete responsibility for it but I have come to realize that I was trying to escape another Friday night of constant drinking. I will now forever have to live with a scar on my face and the after effects of a fractured kneecap.
I really don’t know what to do. I can’t talk to my family about this, my parents and my daughter are both ill and I don’t want to upset them. And I don’t have that many close friends because I’m afraid to go out with anyone since I never know what he will do since once he starts drinking he won’t stop.
Any ideas would be greatly appreciated!
leave him and go live with your family and start over, its the only way to have a normal life
you have to decide if you like your life the way it is. If you don’t, instead of trying to fix it, start over on your own. he will need to wake up and see that he will be all alone with his behavior.
I have to say that I can relate to you in all that you have said. My husband is a very nice person but when he drinks he is a very differen person. Everything is my fault and nothing is his. Our friends know how he is when he has been drinking, so I have not gone out with people because you don’t know what is going to happen. I told him after the holidays I was leaving and for right now I am still there until I get all my P’s & Q’s toghether. Life has to be better than this, and I don’t want to be older and in the same situation. I could write a book here but you are not alone. Hang in there, things will never change you are the only person that can change them.
My husband has moved us around the country every 2 or 3 months we are moving chasing work becouse he only holds a job long enough to get money so he can drink.I am at the end of my rope with this.I have lost all my friends family hoping he will change.Im getting out of it before Im dead.He loves nothing more then he loves drinking.I really feel there is no hope left.I have lived with this for 10 years its time to quit