Sections:
* The major problem with quitting drinking on your own
* Establishing a baseline of sobriety
* Transitioning to long term recovery and healthy living
* Reaching out to help others but still “on your own”
* Establishing a solid foundation of recovery that is not dependent on social networking
Photo by marcp_dmoz
The major problem with quitting drinking on your own
Now I have obviously written about how to stop drinking before and if you go back and read that article you will notice that one of the key elements that I push is that you need to ask for help. This sort of implies that you cannot quit drinking on your own and that you need help in order to do so. But is this really true?
As I progress in my recovery, I get to watch other people recover and I also observe my own journey through sobriety. What I am noticing is that depending on other people to maintain your own recovery is not necessarily a healthy thing. I see many, many people relapse who are depending on the social aspect of traditional recovery programs to keep them sober.
At the same time, I have basically formed my own path in recovery and do not rely on group therapy or meetings in order to maintain my sobriety. In fact I have probably been to less than 5 AA meetings over the last 6 years.
Now the problem with quitting drinking on your own is that this is a thinking disease…..our mind is messed up and we our in a battle with ourselves to try and control our own drinking. Our mind created the problem of addiction and now we are trying to solve that problem with the same mind that created it.
I believe it was Einstein who first said that “you cannot solve a problem at the same level that it was created at.” You have to go up a level or two in order to really change your life if you are currently trapped in a cycle of addiction.
Now this does not mean that you cannot solve your problem without asking others for help and direction. However, it does indicate a few things:
1) You are not going to cure your drinking by sitting around and thinking about it. It takes more than that. It takes action.
2) You do not have to depend on other people for your sobriety, but you should not immediately discard any and all connections with others in recovery. There is still value in the idea of support, but not to the point of developing dependency. You can still interact with others in recovery without “needing” them for your continued success. More on this later.
3) You cannot solve your problem with compromise and moderation. If you make a commitment to yourself it has to be black and white. That means an abstinence based program. If you want to learn how to control your drinking then you will have to look elsewhere.
My recovery is somewhat unique in that I have very little social support in the traditional sense (such as daily meetings). I don’t call my sponsor very often and I don’t attend 12 step meetings. And the bottom line is that I am still growing in my recovery and living an awesome life, without depending on other people to help keep me sober. I have also observed this happening in other people that I know in recovery, and of course we share some similarities in our approach.
On the other hand, I am not a complete island and I do have connections with others in recovery. But, these are not dependencies.
So here are some of the details on “recovering on your own”:
Photo by extranoise
Establishing a baseline of sobriety
Can you get sober and detox on your own? Yes and no.
Your first step in recovery is to get detoxed. You have to get clean from all drugs and alcohol before you can start on your path of recovery. I mentioned before that this is an abstinence based approach. The idea is that you are going to stay drug and alcohol free. There are other approaches but I have not had any success with them so if you want to learn to moderate you are on your own! My technique is to abstain entirely.
So can you stop drinking without any help at all and get sober? Yes it is possible, but you have to be careful. For one thing, realize that alcohol withdrawal can be dangerous. This will depend on how physically addicted to alcohol you are and how long you’ve been drinking and so on. If you shake badly when you stop drinking suddenly then you probably need medical supervision for this leg of your journey.
If this is the case then do not try and taper yourself down from alcohol….instead, go check into a detox center. It will only take 3 to 5 days at the most and you can walk out of there being completely detoxed and drug free. If your goal is really to quit on your own then you can still do so, but you might need help in order to get through the medical portion of detox. There is no shame in going to rehab and you will not have to go to any groups or meetings while you are in detox. Get in, get sober, and get out.
Now obviously if you go home after a few days in a detox center and start drinking again, even just a little, then it was all for nothing and you will be right back on the roller coaster. Remember that this is an abstinence based plan. You are trying to establish a baseline of sobriety and that means you need to abstain from alcohol and other drugs.
Now if you really want to do this on your own then you need to take action during this first week or two of sobriety. Essentially you need to figure out how to live a new life without drinking. There are a number of things you should consider, such as:
1) Avoiding old hangouts where you drank or used drugs.
2) Avoiding certain people who you drank or used drugs with.
3) Establishing some new healthy routines of distraction, such as exercise, long walks each day, and so on.
4) Keeping busy and being responsible, for example by working a new job, or picking up your hours at an old job. Being reliable, dependable, and on time.
5) If you have any religious background, you might try reconnecting with that. This works for some people and not for others. It is just another option.
6) Find a method of meditation - this can be really broad and open. For example, I run long distances several times each week, and this is absolutely a meditative experience for me. You might sit on the couch and do breathing exercises. It really does not matter much, as long as you find something that works for you. A method of de-stressing your mind.
7) Finding a way to help others - this is especially helpful if the people you are helping are in recovery. Now this does not mean that you still cannot “quit on your own.” You can reach out without becoming dependent on others.
8) Forgive yourself and forgive others. This is a critical component, one that is basically borrowed right from a 12 step program. If you are constantly beating yourself up over your past and over your addiction, then it is difficult to move forward in recovery. Likewise, if you resent others in your past and hang on to massive anger towards them, then this will poison your efforts at recovery. The only way to move forward is to make peace with this idea and forgive others. There are many ways to do this but they deserve their own article.
Photo by country_boy_shane
Transitioning to long term recovery and healthy living
If you do all of those suggestions listed above, and do them every day for the first few months of your recovery, then you can slowly start to build a new life for yourself. Do not expect miracles at first and do not expect it to happen fast. It will come slowly over time. This is a good thing. If it happened over night then it would not be stable. You are building a long term, stable life in recovery. It takes time. It takes work. Expect this.
I personally believe that networking with others and helping others in recovery is a lot more important in early recovery than it is in long term sobriety. If you are going to help other people, then do it right off the bat when you first get sober. As you stay sober for longer, it becomes less critical as the focus shifts to personal growth.
The transition to long term recovery is about holistic growth. In the early stages of sobriety, your goal is simply to not drink each day. That is your daily goal. “I will make it through today without drinking or using drugs.” At first, that is enough. If you can conquer each day sober then you are doing good.
But after a while, that is no longer enough. Why? Because you start to take it for granted. Everyone will do this after a certain amount of time. Maybe it will take 90 days, or maybe it will take 9 years. But at some point, you will become used to not drinking and it will no longer be the miracle for you that it once was. It is at this point that you need to have something more in your recovery in order to keep you sober. That “something more” is holistic growth. It is personal growth. It is you, challenging yourself to keep growing as a person. Without this element, you will eventually relapse back to drinking.
Now for some people this “something else” is a reliance on a higher power and building a relationship with that higher power. If so then that is fine….realize that this is another possible path to a life of holistic growth. If you have a strong relationship with God then you will naturally push yourself to grow in a holistic manner. You will take better care of yourself, you will emphasize your talents in order to better serve God, and so on. You can reach the same success in recovery via different paths. You can push yourself to grow holistically and do great in recovery. You could also cultivate that relationship with a higher power and achieve the same results.
In particular, I would emphasize these things in your transition to long term recovery:
1) Holistic growth – look for multiple areas of your life in which you can grow. In other words, don’t neglect exercise and fitness. Also, consider relationships and emotional health too. Holistic means you are looking at the whole of your life. There are multiple areas in which you can become a better person. Find them and work on them.
2) Self esteem – if you can boost your “real” self esteem through accomplishing goals and taking good care of yourself, then this will help your recovery immensely. You will not relapse if you value yourself and your life highly enough.
3) Personal growth & learning - if you push yourself to grow further, make sure there is an emphasis on learning. Without this you will tend to stagnate. Always be learning….always be in “growth” mode.
Photo by danCox
Reaching out to help others but still “on your own”
You want to quit drinking on your own. Is it possible to interact with other people and still be independent?
Of course it is. You don’t have to go to 20 AA meetings each week and have a sponsor and become a sponsor yourself in order to stay sober. Some people will of course do that, and this is fine if that works for you. But just understand that you can have an awesome recovery by simply reaching out to just one or two other people on a regular basis. There is meaning in nearly any interaction. If you can help someone else consistently, then it will really enhance your recovery.
For example, I work in a detox center, and I also interact with readers here on the Spiritual River on a daily basis. Neither of these things involves the 12 step programs. I am interacting with others, helping them in some cases, and in other cases I am receiving help from them as well. These are “recovery related” interactions.
You need these interactions in order to be successful in recovery. You will not depend on them, and they will become less important the longer you stay sober. But I think early on, you need some interaction with others in recovery.
You don’t necessarily have to find them in 12 step programs, but you have to find these connections somewhere. Also, you do not need a lot of them. Quality over quantity in this case. You can still recover on your own without becoming dependent on meetings or a fellowship.
Establishing a solid foundation of recovery that is not dependent on social networking
So what is important in early recovery is establishing the foundation. This takes action.
Really it is all about action. If you want to quit drinking then you have to take massive action, and it also has to be sustainable action.
Take some of the suggestions from this article and apply them in your life. If you do so every single day then you are on the right track. Even then, some will relapse. It is a tough road. And, you are increasing the difficulty slightly by insisting that you quit drinking by yourself. But it can still be done, you just have to put in the footwork.
Remember that in order to get results you need to make a massive effort. If you just try “pretty hard” you are going to fail for sure. This requires a massive effort on your part. It will likely be the hardest thing you have ever done, actually. So make a commitment to yourself that you will not drink today, no matter what. You have to make that commitment over and over again, every single day. Then, you have to follow through with the suggestions and take action every day to make it happen. Sitting on the couch won’t cut it. Get active, do the work, and find some new healthy routines in your life. Push yourself to grow holistically and challenge yourself to do more and more each day. It is only through this momentum and this positive action that you can recover on your own.
Help for Alcoholism Do you or someone you love need drug or alcohol rehab? Take action and get the help you need right now. Drug Addiction Help What kind of drug rehab is right for you? Give us a call at 1-877-744-3536 Addiction Treatment Real help is available. We can give you the tools to recover. Start your new life today.
{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }
Hi Patrick,
This is a fantastic post. Thank you!
I am always keen to read anything about sobriety DIY style. That is the way I have done it in the sense that I did not go to AA or Women for Sobriety. I agree that those who are newly sober do need to have some contact or relationship with others in recovery; I have definitely needed this myself. It helps to have people at hand that you can communicate with and who understand what you are experiencing.
I also think you are spot on when you talk about learning and education and growth, I began studying again and it feels so good, it reminds you that there is a whole world out there and inspires you to be more than you were when drinking.
The main things are to keep working on yourself, evaluate your progress, connect with others and exercise regularly. A good therapist can be a big help too.
Thanks again for a great post. I will be linking to this for my readers.
Thank you Madison….you are a great example of creative recovery and someone who is motivated to set goals and change their life.
Seems like we both lean towards the “more personal growth” and “less social networking” form of recovery. It is working for us and the results are outstanding. Thanks again for your comment.
Hi Patrick.
Your path in rocovery and mine seem to have led us to similar places.
I think that for me, the approach you articulate in your writtings is really the only one that gives me the things i need, including the freedom to be true to myself without the pressures of those who see things a bit (or a lot) differently than I do.
To say that I am no longer a 12 stepper would be a little misleading… because the pronciples and ideals outlined in the steps are indeed part of the fabric of my existence today.
However… I do not say “I need to do a tenth step on that”, or ” I’ve really been working the 11 th step lately”
I simply do not think in those terms anymore.
I do not have a sponsor….
I do have people i confide in and vent to though…. several of them.
I carry a positive message but i do not actively seek out “sponsees”
I rarely go to meetings anymore.
My time is spent in ways that is more productive for me relative to my own well being.
I am an excellent father now.
I am an excellent emloyee with a career that was entirely out of reach when I was drinking.
I am a student.
I am in the best physical shape of my life (i ran a marathon in Dec of 07 and I now weight train 3 or 4 days a week)
I eat and sleep properly.
I have savings accounts set up for myself and both of my children.
I am debt free.
The list goes on and on really.
But, I must admit….
I have little in common with people in early recovery today and doubt that the way I live my life today would be a good model to pattern ones life after (at least not specifically) for most people in recovery i know.
I had to establish my recovery with a typicall 12 step based approach and all the things that go with it before I could transition to a lifestyle catered more specifically to me as an individual.
AA saved my life and set me free from the bondage i was living in… and paradoxically….. AA set me free from the bondage of AA as well.
Try to explain that to a newcomer!
lol
I am convinced that for many in recovery traditional AA dogma is absolutely true. They require the structure and security that these beleifs provide.
I am equally convinced that being true to yourself is the only way to be completely free.
I really like your web-site Patrick.
Thanks for all your hard work….
and for people like you and me,
the things you speak of,
ring absolutely true.
Well thank you for the kind words, Brett….sounds like you are working a non traditional recovery as well. And it sounds like you have found a path of true freedom. Awesome stuff. Thanks for your comment….
Great article as always.
Hi Patrick!
Another great article thanks.
I am just over 9 months sober and I utilized an online support group as my main recovery resource. I am grateful that I found that forum as I was provided the support and knowledge that helped shift my thinking enough to get myself out of the alcoholic rut and finally become conscious of where I was and what was happening to me. Without that resource and those people, I wouldn’t be sober today and/or able to move past my addiction.
But now, at 9 months, I am craving to have more in my life but I am finding it a little difficult to move on. I think it has become a security blanket for me and I am a little scared to let go. I think I have become too dependent on this specific social networking resource and it is now holding me back from letting myself go to the next steps in my life… I go hang out there rather than doing other uncomfortable things that I know I NEED to do and that will help me grow.
Thanks so much for writing and sharing those words above as you have helped me realize that I need to shake up my recovery program and take it to the next level.
@ MK – Very interesting position you are in and I can definitely relate a bit in some ways. I have always examined my recovery and where my dependencies were. This is why I keep pushing myself (and others) to pursue a holistic approach. I think we can build stronger recoveries by pushing ourselves to grow in new ways.
I am not perfect at this holistic approach….there are areas that I could stand to challenge myself more in. But being aware of our weaknesses and targeting them like this will only make us stronger. Thanks for your comment…..
I really like the helpfull article. I have so many things in common with your experiance with booze. I lost my trucking company i started 30 tears ago. threw my wife out of my life. I just feal so alone, so shamed.
Hang in there Bill. If you don’t drink, I promise it gets better eventually. I know that sounds a bit lame and hollow but it is absolutely true, for any given alcoholic. Don’t drink and wait for the miracle.
It will get better.
I just went through a 28 day recovery from alcohol addiction. My mom paid out of pocket for treatment. My mom died during my treatment. She was my best friend. I left treatment after 28 days and drank alcohol that same day and have been drinking ever since. I can’t seem to overcome the compulsion to drink. I attended my first AA meeting outside of treatment today and came home and drank. I don’t know how to stop this compulsive behavior. I need more help. I am desperate to stop drinking and desperate to continue drinking. How do I stop?
Laurie,
It’s awful to lose a parent. I used my Dad’s death as an excuse to drink more. I miss him every day. He died an alcoholic and smoker at age 62 after multiple rehab treatments and even living at one for a year, he never had the will to quit drinking for good. I’ve decided not to drink for my health and the fact that I want to live. I have to young boys who need me to be here a long time. Because of alcohol, my asthma was out of control, I had bronchitis three times last year and pnemonia. The alcohol wreaks havoc on lungs. I finally woke up after having pnemonia and coughing up blood, and realized that if I kept drinking I might not live very long. For me, I had to get that sick to realize that I can’t drink ever again. When I see alcohol in the form of wine, beer, or anything anywhere, I try to think of it as “poison” because it was poisoning me and my life. I also am taking a low dose of an antidreppresant I got from my primary doctor which has helped me tremendously with my anxiety and shyness which is why I started drinking in the first place at age 15. You have to find your will to stop, or your reason to stop. Don’t be afraid to ask your doctor for help, but don’t get any drugs that you could get addicted to. Good luck.
I forgot to add a thank you to Patrick for your writings. They’ve given me the strength I needed to do this on my own. I didn’t feel comfortable going to AA meetings and following their steps. I’ve started exercising again working part-time, and even met with an old friend to see a movie. Thank you for taking time to write all your great information to share with people, it’s people like you that make this world a better place.
Great Article. I have been battling this disease as a binge drinker for too long now, and it’s time to quit. I am damaging myself and my family is tired of this struggle. Your article as awaken me to what I’ve known for quite some time now…I need to dedicate myself to stopping completely! And I will do so! I know it will be tough, but I truly what to get closer to GOD, live a better life, and set a better example for my kids. This personal hell I’m in is killing me. Thank you for writing this article.
I stopped drinking on Jan 3rd of 2010, so tomorrow will be my 40th day of sobriety. I have never been to an AA meeting or to rehab, but certainly thought about both, as I was unsure if I could do it on my own. I guess I began with an Holistic approach without setting out to do so. In December I began by saying the rosary every day, which strengthened my faith in God and while in that pursuit, my problem with drinking became ever more apparent to me, which gave me the desire and motivation to stop.
At this point, I have shared with two close friends of my decision to stop drinking, mostly so I can be accountable to myself. I have also been working out 5-6 times a week since I stopped, while also trying to eat more healthly. My growth through learning reach an important level for me in December of 2009, as I finally graduated with the honors of cum laude with a BS in accounting after being shy of only 9 credit hours for over twenty-five years. Finishing my education was always something I had hoped to do, but never could manage while working full time hours. But in the fall of 2008 my work schedule was forcibly altered, reducing my hours and pay by half. Although I was dismayed by my employment status, I took the opportunity to go back to school. I was consumed with fear with my decision of returning, scared I would not be able to keep up with the younger generation, but to my surprise, I earned As in all my classes.
It is reassuring after reading your article, I have seemingly been doing the correct things for my life. With Lent beginning next week on February 17th, I have an extra incentive to continue my sobriety which at the conclusion, Easter day will bring me to 90 days of sobriety. Nearly peanuts when compared to those who have acheived years of sobriety, but a benchmark I will be proud of.
I don’t think about not drinking every day at this point, but some days the temptation and urge is greater than others. Besides the two friends I have told, one of whom is less than thrilled, since she drinks heavily, I don’t have a support group. If you have any suggestions for me in this area, without going to an AA meeting, I would greatly appreciate.
May God bless you and thank you for the inspiration you have given to me and to others!
JC