How can someone stay clean after leaving a drug rehab center?
This is a very important question for someone just leaving treatment. The following suggestions will help make or break someone’s recovery:
1) Take their suggestions
You went to rehab because you could not stop using drugs on your own, right? There are two main functions that the treatment center provides: one, to physically detox you, and two, to show you how to live without putting drugs and alcohol into your body. Obviously, drug rehab centers specialize in helping people to not use drugs, so you might do well to actually take their suggestions and follow through with them.
The first two times I went to treatment, I did not do this. For example, they suggested I go to long term treatment, and I refused. In shunning their advice, I ended up relapsing very quickly after leaving both of those rehabs. The last treatment center I went to, I did take their suggestions, and followed their recommended treatment plan to a “tee.” I have been clean and sober ever since.
2) Do what other people think you should do, not what YOU think you should do
For the longest time, this was a huge stumbling block for me. Why should I let other people decide how I should live my life? I figured that I (me, personally) should be the most qualified person to make decisions about my life. Turns out this was not the case, because I continued to slowly kill myself with drugs and alcohol when left to my own devices. Amazingly enough, when I started taking advice from others, my life started to get a whole lot better–and a whole new world of freedom opened up to me. It still baffles me that this could come from letting other people suggest how I should live my life.
3) Participate in any follow-up treatment
Most detox and residential programs that make up drug treatment centers are composed of very short visits these days. Many programs used to be 28 days in length; most of them are half of that or less nowadays. The length of time you will spend in a residential treatment program is a drop in the bucket, and you should not expect to live “happily ever after” without some serious follow up to your stay in drug rehab. Recovery is a life long process. Therefore, any recommended after care that they suggest should be taken seriously and approached with enthusiasm. Many treatment centers follow up with IOP programs (intensive outpatient), and these can be a strong source of support for people who are just leaving a residential program. Bottom line: follow through with your aftercare.
4) Go to a long term treatment program
This is the number one most effective form of aftercare, and I believe it is anyone and everyone’s best shot at maintaining long term sobriety. This should be especially inviting to you if you have been to drug rehab before and failed to stay clean. Ask the therapists at rehab if they know of any long term treatment programs that they can set you up in after you leave. Long term treatment is the only thing that worked for me, and I consistently see the higher success rates that it provides for recovering addicts at my workplace. Long term treatment works.
5) Go to meetings every day
This is something that will be emphasized heavily while you are in rehab: you need to go to daily meetings. It’s a no-brainer, really. Tons of support from other recovering addicts. Twelve step meetings are widespread and are there to help you. Take advantage of the support they offer. “90 meetings in 90 days” is heard like a mantra in treatment centers, and for good reason. Daily meetings will improve your chances of maintaining long term sobriety.
6) Get a sponsor and call them every day
After leaving rehab, get a sponsor, fast. Go to a regular outside AA or NA meeting and ask someone with some significant clean time to be your temporary sponsor. Anything to get you in the door with someone. Most sponsors will have you call them every day for the first 30 days. This might seem silly to you. Do it anyway.
Finding and using a sponsor is another no-brainer. If you choose a bad sponsor, let them go and get another one immediately. A sponsor is someone to help guide you through the twelve steps.
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{ 43 comments… read them below or add one }
relasped because I didn`t follow the programs (IOP/AA) now I,m afraid because I know that is now what I have to do.
Hey Tom G.
Hang in there. I saw this quote the other day, it seems appropriate: “Fear is a mile high and a mile wide, but only paper thin. You must walk through it.” That seems to describe what it was like for me in early recovery. I was terrified of AA meetings, but I stuck it out because I was so miserable when I was drinking. And of course, my fear of meetings was unfounded.
Whatever you are afraid of, Tom, is nothing more than illusion. The fear that holds you back from a life in recovery is only paper thin. Walk through it.
Good luck to you Tom. Let me know how you are doing.
im glad i read thius page becouse i finished rehab in may 2ed and i have relasped 2 now not that i wanted to but i did anyway i not sure if i need togo back to rehab ore not i really dont want to anyways it was good to read this page thanks
im in rehab now im looking forward for a sober life and go back to my kids everyone hang in there the higher power is with us if god is with us then how we go wrong
My granddaughter spent 5 days in detox/rehab and when she got out, she hooked up with 7 people also in rehab with her. She is the only one with a car, so when she goes to the meetings, all these new “friends” want her to take them places. One kid - 19 years old- is a heroin addict and won’t stay in rehab because he is “scared” so he calls her and she has been finding him places to sleep, etc. and our home life is a disaster since she started “handling” this kid…disrespect to me, won’t take any responsibility for her room or to help me, etc. What can I expect as her grandmother so she will quit threatening me with her relapse if she is not allowed to do what she wants?
Thanks.
My partner leaves rehab tomorrow and he feels very positive but of course its one day at a time. Any suggestions about how I can help keep him clean?
thanks
I went to rehab in February 2008 and three days after I came out I relapsed. I was addicted in the end to ambien and I used ambien to get off of opiates (sleep through my withdrawals). I probable set the record for taking this drug and when I went to rehab after spending 4 days in a pysch ward and one in a crisis center it just was not enough I had anxiety about sleep. Nothing they would give me would relax me enough after taking btw 15-30 ambiens a day. After being broke and the threat of being committed to a mental hospital I was given a choice of going to a IOP intensive aftercare program and I was skeptical and scared. It was 9-3 four days a week. But I went and after a few days I actually enjoyed it. It filled my day and gave me some hope. I stayed clean for about 5 months and I was also attending meetings. Meetings got old after I built up some confidence after being clean for four months with was 3 and 1/2 months longer then I even had in the past 10 years. After I picked up again I have went on 2 week runs not using everyday and occasionally going to meetings which did help me from at least going totally back to my old ways. It is hard to change but we all have to keep an open……very open mind and listen to others because look what our decision making has gotten us this far. I currently have a week clean and if I get to lonely/bored I think about using. Reading this article has helped me realize that I need to get back to meetings and start working some steps with my sponsor. It is hard for me because I don’t like to lean on anyone for help whether it’s my sponsor or going to meetings, but it’s either that or go back to active addiction. Hope everything works out for all that posted and those that will post after me. The disease of addiction is horrible and I would not wish it on my worst enemy if I had one.
Hi there Dave
Thanks for sharing your story with us, sounds like you have done some learning about yourself and made some real progress. Good luck to you on your journey….
im realy struggling i have 7 months and have not been going to meetings i hate them i cant help it i know i have to go if i want to stay clean i hate this disease god please help i hope this gets better soon
My son is in rehab and has been there for a week and will be there for another 5 weeks, he seems happy that he has gone but I’m scared because the friends that he has gotten into drugs with he talks lot about and he does care for them but I want him to stay away from them when he gets out. What should I do, we my husband and I have thought of moving away, even if it means giving up my husbands career, should we, what if he meets the same kind of people elsewhere? Then our lives are ruined finacially, not that money means more to me then my son, is there anything I need to do or change at home. No doubt something had to wrong with home that he had to turn drugs and alcohol.
Hi Tracy
It’s so tough for younger people because their friendships are so important to them…I got clean when I was fairly young and I though my world had ended when I walked away from my friends and into a long term treatment center. Of course if you live in long term treatment for 20 months you make new friends real quick, but you could never convince a younger person that this will happen or that it will be good for them. Their friendships are so important to them so they really have to hit bottom in order to walk away from those toxic relationships and find new friends in recovery.
For me, going to live in long term did the trick. But that is a huge decision for a young person that will not come easy….Good luck to your family and to your son…..
I just got off the phone with my son who has another 4 weeks to go and he mention that his higher power is his group there at rehab, is that normal. He said because he can get an answer more quickly then to pray to God.They did mention a persons higher power can be anything it doesn’t have to be god but can it be the people that have the same problem as he does?
Yes that is a popular idea in 12 step recovery these days, that your higher power can be anything at all, including a group of people or simply the fellowship of people in AA or NA.
Anything that can potentially fail doesn’t make the best higher power, but apparently people have been making this work for years (because 12 step fellowships have yet to fail completely).
Of course in the old days they insisted that you use the traditional Christian conception of God as your higher power, and some would argue that success rates were higher back then.
Whatever…I don’t think it’s so crucial either way. Spirituality is but a small part of holistic growth in recovery, but our modern programs present it as the entire solution. There are more important things to focus on in order to stay clean….just my 2 cents of course, but I think your son has a good a chance as anyone else…
I had a woman/married lover for about 2 years. She slept with me and another woman while married to this husband of hers. She even called me in front of him and told me she loved me. Anyway-She drank and went to some rehab in Florida. She has been told I do not accept her amends (steps)however, she is keeps texting me every so many months. Is this a rehab thing?-A person says no and you keep at them? I am still not sure if she is gay-She probably use her higher power and the rehab to hide waht she really is…I think rehab allows people to scapegoat their past pain they bring into peoples lives and give them clean slates with no facing or owning what they did to others..shame on this world-Be adult-if your a drinker face what you’ve done and not hide behind some lame higher power-Be an adult an have the power…
Hi there Helene
I know what you mean in some cases regarding the higher power thing. But really this is just more manipulation on her part. The program teaches to try and make amends but if they will not accept them then you are to stop pushing and take it up instead with your higher power, the book says not to badger others who we have hurt.
Those who work the steps are not supposed to run from their past, but instead face it and own up to it. That is what the program teaches (12 step program).
Now it is true that many will use the program or the steps or any teaching out there to their advantage by twisting the concepts and the meanings behind them. But these examples should not be held against the program, either 12 step or otherwise.
People in recovery can be quite sick and manipulative at times and you should not blame the program. Blame the person if you must but understand that the principles and the teachings of the program are sound.
By the way I don’t necessarily advocate the 12 step program for everyone but the principles of the steps are generally quite sound, including those of restitution and forgiveness.
Patrick.
That really puts it in the clear for me.
I appreciate that. I had wondered not being a person with any addiction issues what the principles are. Yes, this would be common for her to twist things around to run from the damage done. My question to you and anyone on the site is if you run then how can you ever get well not facing things? Is’nt then the rehab senseless….
I also forgot to ask this. This woman and I had a lesbian relationship for 3 years while she was married to a man and then she slept with another woman to boot. Would, a rehab address these issues as well and if I was here past lesbian affair would they condone her calling me to meet for the amends process while the husband was sleeping in the next room? She has, since moved to be “closer to her support groups” and now left me, the husband and all she knew to be in Florida by this group of supporters. When does the 12 steps hold her accountable for the damage in NJ?
As far as the person commenting on her son saying he was told to pray to a higher power…I think that is non-sense. It is giving the weak a reason to hope. I don’t mean to sound rude. But, when do the non-addicted people get to have higher powers and meditate?
That is not real life. Life is facing it and going to work and dealing with issues–”God, will not give me more than I can handle in one day”. I was, told and I say told-that it can be even inanimate objects?–Who, does this is real time. If it works for those addicted than great. I think, it offers more to run and hide from than anything.
I will pray to the real god that your son finds peace and recovers through his own determination as a man.
Hi again Helene
Most rehab visits are fairly short these days because treatment is quite expensive and insurance companies aren’t going to pay out the nose for it anymore (that’s the nutshell version). So most issues that you are considering will not be addressed in treatment, but instead will need to be addressed during aftercare or when someone is working their program on the outside. The 12 step program is fundamentally sound and if someone works it honestly and is thorough with it then yes, the will eventually make amends for all the past hurt that they caused in their lives. Most who work the program will probably not be that thorough however and sometimes the best you can hope for is for someone to at least maintain some sobriety.
I know that is not fair to the non-addicts of the world but they have options too….they can walk away from toxic relationships and they can find their own higher power if they like. I can’t defend the addict any more than I can defend the person that they walk all over. Addiction sucks and it destroys lives and we do the best we can to get better and to help others get better….both in and out of AA.
The spirit of any recovery program, including AA, is to own up to your responsibilities and face life on life’s terms. Many will manipulate their way out of this but that is the intention and spirit of the program.
What is the process for recovery?
My Ex was/is? married. She left her 3 older children in NJ and the husband and all ties. She has now moved into an apartment to be closer to her support groups. Is this normal? Would’nt you rehab around your family and loved one’s? I am trying to have some understanding of things-I know-I aks alot of questions lol…I am just making peace inside of me as well with things and need to understand them in order to do so. How do you leave all your responsibilities behind and just focus on yourself? How long do you need a support group before you go solo and just live as a person without all these people surrounding you? Is, what she is doing normal-I have spoken to Social Workers and Pess screeners and they have told me that you would normal come home after the half-way house and resume life…Thank You for all your help–I appreciate any and all insight.
sorry about the spelling—My thoughts get ahead of me.
Helene,
There is no “normal” in the paradigm of recovery. Everyone has to find their own way, and they may have many different areas of their life that will require therapy or counseling and the support of their friends and family, and they may need to reach a “bottom” on many of these fronts (hopefully without relapsing) before they are willing to become honest with themselves. Most of us addicts are behaviorally challenged. However, there is no graduation ceremony in recovery. As was previously written on this board, it is a lifelong process. This can be frustrating for people who do not suffer from addiction. The temptation is to expect us to “get better” and be “cured” one day. Unfortunately, this is rarely the case for any of us. I know people in the program who have over 30 years clean, and still work the steps and attend meetings. Many people who are in the lives of the addict also need their own help to recover from their co-dependent issues and their willingness to be subjected to an addicts behavior. I have often thought that the 12 steps would benefit anyone and everyone - not just addicted people. You asked why the addict can’t resume a normal life without “all these people surrounding you” - many addicts do resume a “normal” life while in the fellowship. However, they will probably spend a few hours a week in meetings as a form of maintenance for a few reasons. One is to never forget where they came from, and another is to be of service and to help someone who is coming along and is new in recovery. That is one of the cornerstones of the program and is what keeps many people clean over the long term. It is a positive process, and saves many lives. That does not mean that everyone who is in the program works a good program. But hopefully they keep coming back and slowly start to internalize some of the spiritual principles that will keep them clean and sober over the long term.
Good points, Phil, and I completely agree with your ideas. But I wonder if many who attend daily meetings on a permanent basis do so out of service as you suggest, or if most of them are simply dependent on group therapy as their recovery solution. As you say there are many who do not work a good program in the fellowship, but there are some who do and set a good example. I guess the bottom line is that someone can use AA and/or meetings as part of their spiritual path, or they can find other avenues. Many who stick with meetings will not actually work the program as intended or grow in a positive manner. Some of course will, and can reach out and help others.
Thanks again for your comment.
So, What you are saying is that the addict gets a clean slate from any past hurts or responsibilities and the people harmed have to deal with the aftermath? I never really go the answer from this board as to why the EX would continue the 9th step when I said “NO”.
She asked me to be friends? Who wants a friend that does’nt respect you? I also asked if she was homosexual..I was told that the 12 steps can make you rethink that type of sexuality as a choice..So, can a straight person rethink things a become gay then due to the 12 steps? I think it is a scapegoat for addicts and a sham to the NORMAL people who had to deal with their harm and selfishness..SHAME on 12 steps!
Hi again there Helene
You are actually raising some interesting points in spite of your anger. I think what happened is that someone treated you badly and is now trying to get your forgiveness based on their new involvement with the 12 steps…that doesn’t fly with me and if someone is honest with their program then they would not be abusing you in this way.
The 12 step program is about taking responsibility and owning our past as our own. We do not run from it or hide from it in recovery. We must face it. It sounds to me like this person is not doing that, but is instead trying to manipulate things. Don’t let the actions of one person tarnish your perception of the entire 12 step program. (I can’t believe I’m defending the 12 steps like this here!)
Bottom line: the 12 steps are not a scapegoat, but some addicts might try to use them as such. This faults the addict and not the program.
I apologize if I came off hostile. I am not angry at the process of the steps. I am angry that the steps allow (Some)
people to make anew and not have to deal with their past. Can you in your opinion having done the steps tell me why would someone continue to harm having learned these steps? It, seemed to me upon her last contact that she was mirroring my life by telling me how well she was doing, and how her life had been saved and then continued to say she had her own apartment as I have always had, She got a cat and I always had one..It seemed like more of a competition than a apology. When, I asked her to confirm her sexuality-I got no response, When I asked if her she was reaching out to me for her 9th step-no response, When I asked her if she loved me and was trying to get back with me-no response. Would not someone dealing with the steps-confront these issues and deal with them. I am lost as to why she contacted me if the conversation was about her new pet? I need help to understand so I will not harbor anger toward the people that are sincerely trying to kick a addiction. What is she doing? She, is married and moved away to be near her “support groups”. What, about all the people she left behind and harmed. Seems to me she moved to another state to run from her past and has a new audience of people to tell her tales of woe-When, she chose to drink, she chose to treat me they way she has and she chose to sleep with two woman while married to a man. I know alot of people who drink and I have never seen them have homosexual escapades for over two years and then all of a sudden boom-I am well? Since, when does alcohol impair you to have repeated sex with the same sex for years? Would, the 12 steps address that? It’s like if I were a drinker saying well-I went to the AA and the steps process and now they convinced me I am not straight, I am gay? Help me out here…
I’m not sure about all this sexual stuff Helene, a person should try to get honest with themselves in recovery regardless of which program they are using. This might mean a change in orientation but it has nothing to do with the steps or with sobriety in general but only about being honest with one’s self. That’s it. Anything else that is said, such as “The steps turn gay people straight” or vice-versa is all a bunch of manipulation and lies.
The steps do no such thing. Recovery programs in general can do no such thing. It is simply a journey of growth and hopefully one of honesty. If someone tells you recovery is anything different or that it can or should change a person’s orientation like that then they are lying.
I’m sorry this person hurt you and will not level with you. Perhaps you can force the issue somehow and demand some straightforward communication. If you can’t get honest communication with her then I don’t know what to tell you…..
I have been in AA now for 5 months and though the program has helped me, I had a sponsor who never ran the steps with me properly and I am currently getting a new sponsor. I believe AA has done wonders for me as early sobriety can be painful. I find self acceptance difficult and so find some members controlling to a degree if driving me up the wall. Everyone chooses to do there recovery in there own way and by people giving the word should all the time is wrong, the steps and traditions are suggestions only. The people who choose to be controlling are the ones who have not worked there steps. As it is early days for me I’m very sensitive to my emotions.
Hello Sam,
What did you think of the AA meetings?
I was told they are controllers who have lost control in their own lives taking prey on the weak? I think sobriety is a choice you make and there are the weak and the strong in all aspects of life. I am not a drinker and weak right now from one. It seems that responsibility for the past in my ex’s case is just that the past. It seems very selfish to me to say that when the people who hurt are very much present day. I am lost with the support groups?
What did you experience in them? I have no support group for my bad days or when bills and worries pile up. I don’t understand this whole process. I did’nt come on here to be rude or condescending, I am just trying to understand when the sober people, the honest people can run and hide in rehabs and hurt others with a well I did the 12 steps I absolved feeling.
Please, help me understand this process and why, I can never get a straight answer from my suppossed to be well-ex?
What goes on in the AA meetings..I heard they are like cults?
Hi there Anonymous
It sounds like you have someone in your life who is in a 12 step program and they are possibly treating you badly in some way? If so then that is not fair and the program does not instruct them or give them license to do so. Calling AA a “cult” is also a bit of a stretch because pretty much everyone there genuinely wants to help the newcomer in any way that they can. It really is a very giving and loving environment 90 percent of the time. In AA, they have found a path that seems to work for them so they are not very open to outside ideas, as that is not what they are about. They are about helping others the “AA way.” This makes sense and it is what they do. There are other ways to get sober and to live sober. Calling it a cult is a bit much in my opinion.
Don’t let one AA member give you the wrong idea….the program is based on sound principles.
Patrick,
I have to agree to disagree. Any group that is not open to opinions and other outside thoughts is a manipulative thing. They are doing the thinking for the alcoholic who has reach rock bottom and burned all their bridges. They teach them selfish things and all of the steps are in themselves selfish. It is a haven to be forgiven by people who are the exact same. Then, they come out and push these steps on the outside world who does’nt need them and functions without support groups. Weak, need support groups to hold their hands on a daily basis. It takes one addiction in my opinion and replaces it with others like selfishness and higher powers the only difference to me is that they have a safer addiction. When, will jobs be found for the unemployed hard working man and job placement stop for the addicts. When, will they own up to the harm they caused and do good with it instead of running from it in some room with other addicts now not addicted but, addicted to forcing these so called values on the new weaker alcoholic. When someone has another medical illness-they don’t handle things this way. I don’t agree at all with the teachings of AA. I also read that what I call a semi-cult has a 13 step policy of the more empowered member seducing the weaker members.
I will never understand why the weak get off in life and the strong have to just deal with things..I guess that is why they are strong.
Hmmmm….there is some validity to your arguments but most of what you say is really a worst case scenario.
In extreme examples (and I concede that they do exist), AA is like a cult, and 13 stepping does go on (and it is harmful), and there are bad examples to be found. But this is true of any potential recovery program, not just AA.
I can’t believe I am defending AA as normally I tend to agree with your ideas, but the fact is that the 12 step program has a near monopoly on the newcomer, they are bound to be exposed to the 12 step program.
And there are decent people to be found in meetings everywhere, those who genuinely want to help and are not manipulative or even filled with ego. Seriously they do exist out there and it is the responsibility of the newcomer to seek out this genuine help. If they cannot find it in AA then they should seek elsewhere.
My path started with AA but I stopped going to meetings about 5 years ago and have sought other ways to connect with those in recovery. Meetings have advantages and disadvantages. If you look for the bad in them you will find bad, that is for sure.
I applaud you at any rate for your open thinking, but what is your alternative? Mostly what I write about on this website is trying to describe the alternative to people….showing what my life is like and what I am creating in recovery that is outside of the traditional recovery programs. What is your solution (or, what is your proposed solution?).
Would love to hear some new ideas from you or anyone else who wants to chime in!
I am not sure what the remedy is for the manipulators who use the 12 steps to run from life. I commend you for getting well in your life and being open to other things besides the AA teachings. I wish, I knew the answers myself. I unfortunately don’t. I am proud of those that have gone into these programs with sincerity and kicked the addiction..I commend each and every one. I am just wondering the motivations behind someone I dated that has done the 12 steps, to twist them.
This person dumped me a good 3 years ago has been in the 12 step program for 18 months sober and makes contact to me that I have expressed is unwanted. It does boil my blood that the harm keeps coming. I don’t blame all recovering addicts for this. I blame the person, I guess I just wish they did more personal counseling than all addiction related. I honestly “think” my ex-after running a marriage and running around with me-used the rehad (although) a drinker-as the way out of issues. Is’nt it much better to face your demons and not just the alcohol but the inner mindset issues? Anyway-I appreciate this site for allowing both the addicted and non-addicted to get a forum. Patrick, if you ever find an answer please, let me be the first to know..
Hi there Anonymous….yes I have seen many people manipulate the 12 step program before, as they probably always will. This is not a flaw in the program but a flaw in people….they can and will manipulate any program I am sure.
There are good people in AA and there are also good people who are working their “own program” of recovery. I don’t have the ultimate answer but I do believe I am finding more and more truth about the ideal recovery strategy. One thing is for sure that you pointed out is that internal issues that create big problems in your life must obviously be dealt with….any program that does not address those issues is a failure.
i was only 13 when i was forced to go through a 30day rehab program and i told them anything they wanted to hear so i could be released..i was only in outpatient programs for a week and 3 days after residential and it’s been 7 months and i’ve been heavily using ever since..now I’m dying to be clean and I feel like it’s impossible today is my first day sober and i still woke up with a weekend buzz from all the shit i did this weekend…my liver is dying out and my eyes are turning more yellow…it hurts to think about how im dying by using but it hurts to think about living without using too….i recommend that u stay clean and sober the first time around and dont ever drop out of treatment if your not ready..
today was such a bad day…i was doing something stupid–i looked up on youtube people getting high, because i though that looking at how idiotic people become while doing crack i would be encouraged to not to it. instead i started shaking and clenching–like 5 hours after you stop a 3 day crack binge. i was curled up on the floor crying and sheking. i have been clean for 5 months now. i didn’t think the physical craving would come back like that. but oh god, it did.
i feel so alone. i’m afraid to tell my husband, because he will think that i am going to use again.
Hi there Amikolle
Yeah I would never recommend that you get that close to the “flame” again. Why tempt yourself? Watching people get high is like a glorification….you will only remember the good times and the peak feelings of addiction, and not the misery. Very dangerous but it sounds like you learned something pretty valuable in the experience. Good job for that, now be more careful in the future!
Hi -
My husband of two years went into alcohol detox and rehab 3 months ago, leaving me and our 16 month daughter. He was asked to go there by me, and agreed he needed to. He stopped talking to me completely after 2 weeks in the inpatient rehab. During this entire time, I was attending a counselor for alcohol family, women’s group, and also al-anon meetings. So at this point I had a strong hold on understanding the disease and knowing that I am not the cause and understanding my own feelings/emotions toward his behavior. Since he was released then at 30 days, he finally spoke w/me and was telling me he wanted to work things out but was showing me he didn’t. He wouldn’t come live at home either. When confronted by a family counselor and I 3 weeks after leaving the rehab, all the while I had no idea where he lived and he hardly saw our child either, the counselor felt he was hostile, distant, and frankly - using. He had been out of the center for almost a month, and it came out they thought he should stay at the treatment center another 30 days but he refused, then he was sent to this exact family counselor for intensive outpatient and he went once and refused as well to return. Since then, I have come to find out he is unemployed, adopted a dog and is living w/a young girl he met while in rehab. I know he is not going to AA. I have filed for divorce, not only for my sanity but for my daughter’s safety. He had picked her up from school in the past after drinking and openly admitted even after rehab that he didn’t think it was a big deal.
My question is this: Can he actually be in recovery? He is a stranger to me and we are over but he is living a new life w/another woman who I guess, understands….and he has adopted responsibilities of buying a car, renting an apt w/her and a new dog? We have all those things, but he has not owned up to those responsibilities since he went to the rehab (and even before).
Did he just go to a bad rehab? I thought you weren’t supposed to co-habitate w/women or something like that. And I thought you werern’t supposed to take on new responsibilities or something like that.
I’m really looking for some feedback here….thank you so much for listening. Bless you all who have recovered.
Hi Laura
Wow…you are right, it is discouraged for people in early recovery to get into a new relationship. But I can tell you from experience and from working in a rehab for 4+ years now that it happens constantly. Truly, these dangerous new relationships happen very, very frequently. It is a huge problem.
Of course, that does not excuse it or make it right. But I can tell you this: the odds of that relationship lasting more than a few months are very, very slim. Of course it could happen and it does happen but I would say 99 times out of a hundred it will fizzle out before the end of 6 months. Not only that, but at least one party will relapse, if not both. These are not difficult predictions to make.
I know that does not help you much but I think you are being realistic and I think you know things are headed downhill. If he is not using then he probably will be soon.
Sorry for your whole situation but good luck to your family….I hope things work out for you….
Thank you for your feedback Patrick, he is still denying they are in a relationship, but I’m not an idiot. We are wiping the slate clean and moving on w/out him. I am hoping he gets the help he needs eventually in order to have a relationship w/our daughter, but I’m not counting on it. Thanks again. If you have any recommended reading for me or any ideas on how I can learn more about what happens to the alcoholic after rehab, that would be great, thanks.
It was truly a blessing to read all these comments of hope and encouragement.i went to rehab in 2003,and relaspsed 4 times within the last 5 years.each relaspe of alcohol an cocaine abuse was worse each time i fell.this last relaspe damn near killed me! i wanted to just keep using until i just passed away,thats how afraid of reality i was,i did not want to come down,i ran and used for 30 days straight.I heard my higher power tell me,lets give this another chance,this time work your program and dont leave any more loop holes.im 30 days sober,and im happy,joyous and free again.this diesease is horrible! let go and let GOD!!!!!
My Nephew has been in drug rehab for a year long program - herion addiction. His Mother is throwing him a graduation party the weekend after he’s out. I have no experience with this but it seems tacky and pretty much setting him up for failure. What should I do? I think it’s good he made it thru this process and I don’t want to hold his head down. I just think he needs to get a life now and I don’t really want to go to this party. I don’t think sending him money is a good idea either. I don’t want to cause a problem but I think this seems very odd. Please give me some help!
@ Nancy - I don’t know if it is setting him up for failure….I think it is a really big deal though if someone makes it to a year clean and sober. Throwing a party might not be appropriate, but it is probably OK too. I guess it depends. My parents took me out to dinner. Actually, I think they took me on a vacation. It was something to celebrate. So maybe as long as it is done in the right way it is fine.
I think you should opt out as kindly as possible if you really don’t want to go to the party though. Maybe write a card or a letter to your nephew instead…..