Since you’re here, you probably have a friend or loved one who is an alcoholic. And you probably want to know: how do you help an alcoholic in the real world? What can you do that will make a difference? Let’s find out:
First things first: work on changing your behavior, not the alcoholic
It is a hard fact to swallow at first, but the truth of the matter is that you are probably not going to be able to directly change an alcoholic’s behavior. Manipulating or threatening the alcoholic will only drive them deeper into isolation and heavy drinking.
If you try to control another person’s drinking, you are going to experience a loss of control and real powerlessness. Instead, if you focus on changing your own behavior, you will experience full control and an empowering mindset. This is how you go about helping an alcoholic: by focusing on your own behavior and how you choose to interact with the alcoholic….not by focusing on how you can manipulate or change the other person.
Keep reading. I will explain more below about how changing your behavior can help the alcoholic.
How can I convince an alcoholic to quit drinking?
This is a very difficult thing to do, most would say it is downright impossible. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t make a difference in the potential sobriety of a person. Show your support as best you can and let them know that you will support them in any way that you can if they choose to stop drinking.
There are no secret tricks or manipulations when it comes to this stuff. Some people imagine that there might be a way to threaten or coerce an alcoholic into quitting drinking. There definitely is not. If you threaten them, they will simply withdrawal further away from you.
Most, if not all alcoholics, are slowly self destructing, and they know it. Threats mean nothing to someone who is self destructing. You can’t intimidate someone who has nothing to lose. It is simply more fuel for the alcoholic fire.
Trying to shame an alcoholic into sobriety doesn’t work either. If you succeed in shaming them, this will only make them want to drink more because they will truly feel shamed. The alcoholic really is a sick person. Would you shame a disabled person? Of course not.
So basically, there is no way to directly convince an alcoholic to quit drinking.
All efforts to influence an alcoholics behavior are going to be mostly indirect, but this does not make them unimportant. You can influence their behavior and decisions, just not in a very fast or direct manner. More on this below.
How can I help an alcoholic make the decision to go to treatment?
Much like trying to convince someone to quit drinking, this can be a difficult task. But getting someone to agree to treatment is much easier, but at the same time, it is probably not very useful. Here’s why:
Recovering alcoholics who are sober now will talk about a point of surrender that they reached in their drinking. Virtually every one of them that you talk to can pinpoint that moment of surrender, when they finally threw in the towel and stopped fighting against their disease. This is the moment of surrender. This is where recovery starts.
No one knows how to induce this moment. If we did then we would have solved the problem of addiction and recovery. The best we can do is to encourage people towards this moment.
Once someone has reached the point of surrender, anything you do to help them will basically work. Any treatment center you send them to will produce good results. If they have not yet reached the point of surrender, then nothing you do will matter. At all. Nothing you do can overcome a lack of surrender. The alcoholic is still fighting and struggling and trying to control things and it’s just not going to work.
So how can you convince them to go to treatment? Simply offer to take them to treatment. If they’re not interested, then it makes no sense to press them further, because they are not ready. Even if you can somehow manipulate them into it, you are wasting your time. Not ready means not ready. And this has never been more true than when it comes to quitting drinking.
The best we can do is to be prepared to get them into treatment when the moment is right. Have a plan, make some calls, see what is available for alcoholic help. Then when the person has finally surrendered, you will have some options as to where you can take them.
How do you know when they’ve surrendered? When they ask for help. When they are ready to change on your terms, not on their terms. When they throw up their arms and say “I’ll do whatever you tell me to do. Show me how to live,” that is surrender. That is the start of recovery. Anything else on their part is more manipulation (such as “give me money,” or “I promise to go to treatment next week.”).
How can I organize an effective intervention for an alcoholic?
I have already written extensively about interventions, and I have a small bit of experience with them. I still think it is a possible option in some situations, but for the most part I am starting to see more and more evidence that formal interventions are almost never helpful. There is a sliver of hope here, though, because they occasionally do work in guiding an alcoholic towards recovery. But more and more I am seeing that they are never the magic bullet we think they might be; they cannot possibly be an instrument of real change. An intervention can not be the switch that goes off in the alcoholic’s mind that creates real surrender. That switch must be flipped in some other way, unfortunately, and there is seemingly no rhyme or reason to it.
But an intervention still might have benefits, even if it can not force recovery to happen instantly. For one thing, a formal intervention can:
1) Let the alcoholic know that people do care.
2) Show them that help is available (in the form of treatment).
3) Be a step towards their eventual surrender, even if it doesn’t get them clean and sober right now.
So if you are considering an intervention, understand that while the goal of the intervention is probably for the alcoholic to attend a treatment center and never drink again, this is probably an unrealistic expectation and you shouldn’t get your hopes up that high. More likely it is a step on their path to eventual sobriety. It might plant a seed for their awakening later on. Keep this in mind if things don’t go perfectly as planned. How do you help an alcoholic? Not by whacking them with a two by four, unfortunately. It takes gentle nudging in the right direction, and this idea of “planting a seed” is just that type of nudging.
How can I stop enabling an alcoholic?
This is really the core strategy that you need to focus on in your dealings with another alcoholic or addict: do not enable them.
What is enabling?
It’s just what it sounds like. If you enable an alcoholic, you allow them to continue drinking when they otherwise might have had to stop for some reason. But this gets tricky, because sometimes when we try to help an alcoholic, we are actually enabling them. Other times when we think we are “hurting” an alcoholic, we are actually helping them by observing healthy boundaries. Figuring out the difference here is critical.
If you can stop enabling the alcoholic, then this will get them closer and closer to facing reality and making an eventual decision to stop drinking on their own. This is the goal of helping the alcoholic–to force them to examine their own reality and hopefully make a change. Trying to convince them verbally is pointless. Threatening them is pointless. The key is to not enable them. Here’s how to go about doing that:
1) Don’t deny them consequences of their drinking
If the alcoholic in your life gets pulled over for drunk driving and lands in jail, leave them there. Do not bail them out. Sitting in jail is a natural consequence of their behavior, and they need to experience that consequence. It is part of the learning process. If you deny them that consequence, then they cannot learn.
Obviously, it might take several consequences before the alcoholic “wakes up” and decides to try something different (like recovery). But if there are never any consequences, why would the alcoholic ever decide to change? They wouldn’t. So do not deny them the natural consequences that occur due to their drinking.
This doesn’t mean you have to go out of your way to punish them or get them into trouble. Just let them fall on their face. If you keep “putting pillows under them” when they fall, then they will never be motivated to change.
2) Understand when you are helping versus enabling
Genuinely helping an alcoholic would involve things such as directing them to a treatment center, encouraging them to get help, or possibly taking them to an AA meeting. Examples of enabling behavior would be like if the alcoholic needs to borrow 50 dollars to keep their electricity turned on.
Just because the alcoholic needs money for something other than drinking does not mean you should give it to them. In fact, you should never loan or give money to someone who is still drinking, regardless of what they need it for. Doing so is enabling because they will continue to spend their other funds on drugs and alcohol.
Your approach to “helping” them needs to become very “hands-off.” The only way to really help them is when it is directly linked to a recovery effort (such as going to meetings or rehab). Everything else you might do for them is just manipulation and control on their part. Help for alcoholics does not come in the form of money or favors. Knowledge and encouragement is what they really need.
Beware of bargaining as well. “Loan me 50 bucks today and I promise I will go to rehab on Monday” does not cut it. Never bargain with them like this. It’s just more manipulation. If they want to bargain, you set the terms, not them. For example: “I will drive you to rehab on Monday if you are still willing to go.”
3) Understand and practice detachment
Detachment is the idea that the disease of alcoholism is separate from the alcoholic themselves. It’s the idea that we can love a person but hate their disease. When we practice detachment, we can view an alcoholic’s outrageous behavior as being part of their disease without taking it so personally. We can still love them even though they are sick and their behavior is unacceptable at times.
If you really want to help an alcoholic then you must start practicing detachment. Doing so will save your sanity as well as to start pushing the alcoholic closer to facing their own reality. That’s because your detachment will force them to examine their own actions instead of your reactions. When you stop reacting to the alcoholic’s outrageous behavior, it takes away an “out” that the alcoholic can use to shift the focus.
Detachment is not easy, and you might not do it perfectly at all times. But it’s important to understand the concept and to practice it as best you can. Even if it seems like you are distancing yourself from the alcoholic, it is still the healthiest behavior you can choose. You are choosing to distance yourself from their disease and the emotional turmoil that it creates.
4) Set healthy limits and boundaries
How can we know what healthy boundaries are? By separating the disease from the alcoholic.
In other words, if the person were not drinking, would they still need you to bail them out of jail or call in sick to work for them? Of course not. So don’t do those things for them, ever.
Always ask yourself before attempting to “help” the alcoholic: “Could they do this for themselves if they weren’t drinking?” If the answer is yes, then you should not “help” them with it.
Likewise, if the alcoholic is drunk and is engaging in unacceptable behavior (such as being verbally abusive for example), would that behavior be acceptable to you if they were sober? If the answer is no, then you should not tolerate that behavior….ever.
If their behavior is unacceptable when they are drunk then it is unacceptable, period. You should not tolerate it if you would not expect it from them if they were sober.
This is the process of setting healthy limits and boundaries. You have to decide what is acceptable behavior on their part, regardless of whether or not they have been drinking. In other words, the drinking can no longer be an excuse for their behavior. Separate the disease from the person and act accordingly.
Sometime, when the alcoholic is sober, you will want to communicate your limits and boundaries with them. This doesn’t have to be an angry argument. Simply tell them in advance how you will behave under certain conditions. For example: “I will not loan you money in the future, regardless of what you need it for. I will not bail you out of jail. I will not call in sick to work for you if you are hung over.” And so on.
Always, always, always follow through on your promises. Never make idle threats. Say what you mean and follow through with it. This is the only way to affect lasting change in the relationship.
You might be tempted to make a threat that you do not intend to follow through with. Don’t do it. Only set limits that you fully intend to enforce.
5) Don’t react to their drinking episodes.
Most of the big arguments happen when an alcoholic gets out of control and either gets into trouble or makes a fool of themselves. We have a tendency to react to these situations, and it is natural for us to believe that the greater our reaction is, the more likely it is to change their behavior (or at least get through to them so that they hear us). This is the wrong strategy.
When you react to their drinking episode, they can shift to focusing on to your reaction instead of on their behavior. Carry on as normal and they are forced to examine their part in things. Stop giving them fuel for their fire by reacting and blowing up at them. This just creates arguments and possibly drives them into isolation and more drinking.
This idea of non-reaction does not mean that you forget about your limits and boundaries. By all means, stick to your guns with them. That is extremely important.
Enforce limits and boundaries with decisive action–action that you had previously decided on in a rational moment of clarity and probably also communicated to the alcoholic. In the heat of the moment, do not react. Do not pour fuel on the fire. Simply follow through with the actions that you decided on (such as, “if you come home drunk again, I’m going to go stay over at a friend’s house for the night,” or whatever the case may be).
This is how to enforce limits and boundaries…with action instead of arguing. With detachment instead of emotional turmoil.
Action items – What you can do:
1) Detach. Separate the person from the disease and act accordingly.
2) Don’t enable. Never do for the alcoholic what they could do for themselves if they were sober.
3) Don’t react. Stop blowing up at the alcoholic and thinking that this will change things. Ignore their episodes and they will be forced to look at themselves for once.
If you found this helpful, feel free to share it with others
Help for Alcoholism Do you or someone you love need drug or alcohol rehab? Take action and get the help you need right now. Drug Addiction Help What kind of drug rehab is right for you? Give us a call at 1-877-744-3536 Addiction Treatment Real help is available. We can give you the tools to recover. Start your new life today.
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Dear Patrick,
It s been almost 5 years that I m in a relationship with a drug addict.Often I wonder how long I can still take it, but I just love his soul n can see beyond his earthly ways (which r NO good, stealing even from me, not admitting it, even when I say I have to get a medical check up to make sure my brain is allright(i had severe toxoplasmosis of the brain a couple of years ago n almost died in it)(lying, almost about EVERYTHING) (promissing, wit no outcome of course) and so on…
We decided that we live apart, his drug use was not welcome in my company, though I know when he visits me he s not often sober…
The strange thing is that he works, n manages to keep his job for almost 5 months now,but spends everything he earns on drugs.
What is difficult is the fact he s from Nepal, n we live in Belgium. He tried a rehab for one month, but didn t continue for different reasons(his parents suddenly showed up, n he wanted to spend time with them, which i understand).
Last year we were supposed to go to Nepal, but he never made it, I went anyway, waiting n waiting for him to show up,which he had sworn before.
Now we re going to Nepal again, n I have to believe him that he ll come this time, he on and off speaks of going into rehab there, which would be a very good idea, being surrounded by his culture, his language etc but this depends on his moods. One day yes, one day no…
What bothers me most is I could detach myself from his addiction quite ok, but he doesn t stick to our agreements(which r very basic, to send me an sms every day, to say hello n so i know he s alive), n the fact that he can never ever do something with me, but always talks me into waiting for him to do fun things, n when time is there, he can t.I think I m not satisfied with the relationship as it is now, but I don t want to miss him neither in my life. We have so many dreams together, n I know what he wants n desires, is the life I long for too, a life in harmony with Nature.
Now being sick of his attitude I lost it and gave him an ultimatum, telling him that if he wouldn t buy a ticket for Nepal this weekend, I would seriously start to look for a person I can trust n build on in my life…
But I just so much want him to be that person.
Help me what can I do?
Your article has enlightened me a lot, thanks for that
N Good luck
Muwgli
My boyfriend drinks very day and it is killing him… and he knows it… he refuses to get help and he tells me he dont care about his life. i love him and i dont want to loose him.. his eyes turn yellow and he has pains in his sides… what do i do i am scared that he is slowly killing himself… help me!!!
i have a sister who drinks everyday of her life until she is broke . she makes many mistakes crying wolf and says dosnt want to live no more ? she is great person until she drinks and says she drinks cause of what happened in the past . but when she drinks she is a diffrent person and wants to fight … i would love some help too learn how to help her get better !! she has ben asking for help for many years but when we try she an’t ready i think all i can do is nothing and may try but it just dosnt work so what can i do ?
im 16 years old and live alone with my mother who is an alcoholic, shes tryed to get help but her heart wasnt in it and she gave up. i really dont know what to do to help her and im afraid shes going to die from this condition. i have to do the housework and washing, i feel fed up. i dont have many friends to talk to about this as ive slowly slipt away from them because i feel like i need to be at home to look after my mother. does anybody have any advice on how to get her to understand how i feel and also how to get in touch with my friends again?
I’m 15 years old. I live with my mom and dad. My dad has been there for me my whole life but recently has been taking a turn for the worse. He doesn’t believe he has a drinking problem but yet he feels he cant make it through the day without a drink. My mom and I have tried leaving home, but it didn’t help. they still fight and argue everyday because he seems to put alcohol and his drinking buddies ahead of us. My mom doesn’t know if she should try helping him, after fighting over a year, or just give up. I don’t know what to tell her and I know she’s really depressed. any advice?
hey
my best friend is 15 i know that might seem a bit young to be thinking her of an alcoholic but she sometimes comes into school half-cut at the moment im really worried because she’s been ringing us all and she cant even speek properly she’s at her dad’d usual weekend party with her best friend and a lode of older lads and she is so drunk i afraid for both their health 1 is influencing the othe and now there smoking and drinking and refusing to eat there nearly a size 0. her dad is a alcoholic which dosent help and he buys her loads of alcohol and her other friend’s mum dosent evenknow she’d getting drunk or smoking or not eating i really dont know what to do every thing i try doesnt work
My 26 yr old son is an alcholic. He has a partner and 2 young children. His partner drinks too although not as much. I sit and worry 24 hours a day that he is going to be killed. He gets violent when he drinks and threatens people. He has been beaten up by gangs lots of times. He has also attempted to take his own life.
He says he will have detox “after xmas”. I encourage it but dont believe he will.
I feel “frozen” and my life is on hold. Please advise!!
kirsty you could try telling the school. This needs to be stopped now before she gets older.
My brother is 24 and he has a problem. My sister who is 21 also believes he has a problem. He doesn’t drink everyday but he does every weekend and sometimes on weekdays. He doesn’t just have a few drinks socially, he gets hammered almost every time. It started to spiral out of control about a year ago when he was coming home from a bar with his best friend and got in a car accident which resulted in fairly serious injuries to his friend. He went to jail for the night and was charged with DWI or whatever the worst one is, I cant remember. He could have served 45 days in jail but since he had no prior record and had suffered pretty severely with hurting his best friend the judge didnt give him any jail-time. His license was revoked for a year so me and the rest of my family had to drive him to work and to the gym and any other places he wanted to go. He is no longer in contact with his best friend over court issues and he doesnt have very many friends due to his circumstances. Both my mother and my fathers, dads were alcoholics. He can apply to get his license back now but hes worried he will get denied and be without his license for an extra 2 years this time. My sister and I both have asked him (while he was drinking/drunk) whats the matter with him and why does he drink so much. He usually responds with “cuz my life is so great” or something along those lines in a sarcastic type of way. I dont really know what to do. I need to tell my parents and be EXTREMELY serious with them this time. My brother is my hero and it breaks my heart to see him this way… please help me…
please help; i have got to the point of removing the alcohol from my sister in laws house who has 5 children who are suffering from her drinking i don’t know if this was the right thing to do but it felt right to me. she has crashed her car, gone for days on benders leaving the children. what can we do next to help her, we seem to have exhusted all avenues.
@ Kristen – in some states you can have people committed, in other states you cannot. For example, pretty sure in Florida you can and in Michigan you cannot (for substance abuse, I am talking).
Push for treatment. What other type of intervention could really help? Just a trip to rehab from what I can tell. That should be the goal, in my opinion….
My best friend of 16 years Jessica is 22 years old and a full blown alcholic. She is never told I Love You from anyone but me. She had gotten into multial car accidents, 2 DUI’S, Physical control, hospitalized from alchol, and DRIVES almost every night. I have 2 young children myself, a husband, a home to talk care of, work, and I go to college full time. All my friends from the past are dying of herion or oxy’s and I cant take much more. I havent slept in 3 weeks I feel sick to my stomach every night. She says she wants to die (only when she is drunk) and she drinks at least 12 then drive to buy 12 more every night. Im drained and waiting for that phone call. I live in Ohio is there any thing I can to legally?? Im going to lose it!! She is crying out for help, I made her a room in my home and I have been trying to get her here. She agreed to come but keeps making excusse not to come. What do I do?? Her family basically sucks (they are all alcholics) She also will not tell me things, she texts me about thing that happned in the past that are really bad. The hard part about all of this is that she will NOT discuss the previous nights conversation or events. She blacks out and choose’s ti leave them black. PLEASE HELP !!!!
Hi,
My mom has been an alcoholic for as long as I can remember. At least ten years. I detach from her and I don’t enable her, but my father does. He drinks as well. We’ve tried everything to help her but she refuses to go to meetings and rehab because she believes that “no one can fix her” It is really frustrating and recently my sister told me that she needs help for alcoholism as well. I’m eighteen and I feel powerless. What should I do? How can I save my family?
my mom’s boyfriend is an alcoholic and thinks everything is my fault, i’m 14 years old & did nothing to the man. he calls me every name you can think of, i’m also a punching bag, i don’t mind cause i fight back. he booted in a locked door to try to get my cell phone, he wont go to rehab or get help, i’m willing to do my part if he does his.
It really upsets me, reading the comments left by young people. I, myself am stugglling with an alcoholic in my life, and feel so sorry for anyone that has to deal with it. I know it’s an addiction, but I’m tired of defending myself and kissing ass! I really do think those of us who love an alcoholic just need to cut our ties and save our sanity. Don’t get involved with an alcoholic…..they will never change!
Alcohol, drugs, they are peoples crutches. It helps them forget, or helps them enjoy a night, or keeps them in a cycle that keeps going in circles. For all of you who have to deal with someone who is an alcohlic and/or drug addict I identify with you.
For Kyle, speak to your brother when he is sober and try get to his heart. It may just be all it takes.
For Kristen, my goodness I know that journey and I made that call to the authorities had the children removed and my sis sobered up. It’s enough for the kids being through that life, and it’s for the kids and their safety that has to be the priority, so whatever u do just do it and don’t feel sorry or bad for doing it.
For bruised and worn, I can see how you are feeling. I think that it is best for you to seek help to friends or relatives. You have to get away for yourself. Not run away from problems but remove yourself from the problems. Once that is done you need to seek an alon-non group to share you thoughts an feelings, because kid you are not alone. I fear that if you stay in that cycle of abuse that terrible things will happen in the future. You must get out. Don’t be afraid to ask or tell people whats going on, stay strong and determined don’t let what you moms boyfriend calls you stop you from anything. I am glad to see that you wrote that down, now take a bigger step to helping youself and tell someone in person.
To Bruised and worn,if your mother can’t or won’t help you with her boyfreinds behavior then you need to find someone who will!
Morgan, I understand what you are going through, I’m also 15 and my dad is an alcoholic. Today is Christmas and he just walked out because of alcohol. He came close to hitting my mom so I pushed him down. I also hid his keys from him so he couldn’t drive off. Not only is it slowly killing him, it’s really effecting my mom. I want anyone who is reading this to pray for me and my family please.
Thank you Patrick for writing this I wish this information were more widely available for relatives of alcoholics. I am very concerned for my mother who is the alcoholic in my life, I am very concerned about her recent behavior including extreme weight loss, RX drug abuse, drunk driving, hording garbage and evidence of her drinking, and alarming ill attentiveness to cleanliness of her apartment. At what point does enabling stop and prevention of loss of life or serious injury to others. Additionally, though you speak a lot about the alcoholic asking for financial assistance to continue their habit – my situation and the situation for other family members in contact with her – is in the opposite mainly that we are financially dependent on her a dependence which she often uses as leverage against us. I’m unsure what to do for her – what do you suggest? Is it really best to leave her on her own when she is self destructive in all these potentially deadly ways?
@ Stella – in Al-anon they address such dependencies at a deeper level. If you want to see her change, then I would suggest that you start by removing your dependency on HER. Otherwise, I seriously doubt that she will take your pleas seriously. Not necessarily how it should be, but I am afraid that is how it is. Just my 2 cents, I am sure others may disagree….
I have been trying to help my step father to stop drinking. I am over 25 years old. I know that it is hard to stop but beer has almost ruined my oldest sisters life. Please email me and tell me how some of you all have or else have helped someone quit drink.
To Robin -
My mom is trying her best , she just got surgery & can’t do much, so my dad called the cops, i start with social services soon, they are making a plan for me to get away if there is anymore alcohol in my house.
this article has really made me do alot of thinking . my husband is a bad drinker. he drinks an eighteen pack or more a day. we argue all the time and he always makes me look like the bad person. i want to find some answers and help him, but i am just about to give up on him. i didnt realize how depressed he really has made me feel. he has been in several wrecks over several years due to his drinking, but thank God he hasnt hurt anyone, he has always come out fine. i want to give up, what should i do??!!
My wife is an alcoholic and a drunk driver how much more scary can that be?
My kids and I have been asking her to stop drinking or at least stop drinking and driving but nothing has changed. This has been going on for over two years. She buys the big bottle for home and the little 10 oz bottle to drive and many timesshe just refills her little bottles or makes her self a sippy cup.
We are afraid that one day weare going to get a call saying she had been in an a serious accident which resulted in someone going to the hospital or that she was booked into jail and would have to remain for at least 10 days. We have all but threatned her but I am tempted to take her truck keys away from her.
Who out their can really help us other than just a support groupthat will probably cost me money that I cant afford? We are not ready to give up and I am going to seek help from my work (EAP)
My wife of fourteen years has developed a drinking problem that has become almost impossible for me to deal with. Over the last six months my wife has been arrestsed twice and been in two motor vehicle accidents, all due to her alcoholism. The last accident she was involved in left her with broken ribs, a fractured pelvis, and a lalcerated spleen and liver. She was hospitalized for about a week, but the first day she got home she started drinking again. I am at wits end as to how and handle this situation. I was told on several occasions that I would have to wait for her to hit rock bottom before she would finally come to the realization that she has to address this issue (in the meantime I have been enduring both verbal and physical abuse). If she hasn’t hit rock bottom by now, what will it take? I am extremely concerned about my wife, but have come to realize that I am absolutely powerless in this situation. I am afraid that our marriage won’t survive much longer, even more importantly I’m concerned about my wife’s well-being. At some point I fear the worst for her. I can honestly say that my wife’s alcohol addiction has been the most difficult experience of my life. I NEED HELP! I don’t know what to do.
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