Since you’re here, you probably have a friend or loved one who is an alcoholic. And you probably want to know: how do you help an alcoholic in the real world? What can you do that will make a difference? Let’s find out:
First things first: work on changing your behavior, not the alcoholic
It is a hard fact to swallow at first, but the truth of the matter is that you are probably not going to be able to directly change an alcoholic’s behavior. Manipulating or threatening the alcoholic will only drive them deeper into isolation and heavy drinking.
If you try to control another person’s drinking, you are going to experience a loss of control and real powerlessness. Instead, if you focus on changing your own behavior, you will experience full control and an empowering mindset. This is how you go about helping an alcoholic: by focusing on your own behavior and how you choose to interact with the alcoholic….not by focusing on how you can manipulate or change the other person.
Keep reading. I will explain more below about how changing your behavior can help the alcoholic.
How can I convince an alcoholic to quit drinking?
This is a very difficult thing to do, most would say it is downright impossible. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t make a difference in the potential sobriety of a person. Show your support as best you can and let them know that you will support them in any way that you can if they choose to stop drinking.
There are no secret tricks or manipulations when it comes to this stuff. Some people imagine that there might be a way to threaten or coerce an alcoholic into quitting drinking. There definitely is not. If you threaten them, they will simply withdrawal further away from you.
Most, if not all alcoholics, are slowly self destructing, and they know it. Threats mean nothing to someone who is self destructing. You can’t intimidate someone who has nothing to lose. It is simply more fuel for the alcoholic fire.
Trying to shame an alcoholic into sobriety doesn’t work either. If you succeed in shaming them, this will only make them want to drink more because they will truly feel shamed. The alcoholic really is a sick person. Would you shame a disabled person? Of course not.
So basically, there is no way to directly convince an alcoholic to quit drinking.
All efforts to influence an alcoholics behavior are going to be mostly indirect, but this does not make them unimportant. You can influence their behavior and decisions, just not in a very fast or direct manner. More on this below.
How can I help an alcoholic make the decision to go to treatment?
Much like trying to convince someone to quit drinking, this can be a difficult task. But getting someone to agree to treatment is much easier, but at the same time, it is probably not very useful. Here’s why:
Recovering alcoholics who are sober now will talk about a point of surrender that they reached in their drinking. Virtually every one of them that you talk to can pinpoint that moment of surrender, when they finally threw in the towel and stopped fighting against their disease. This is the moment of surrender. This is where recovery starts.
No one knows how to induce this moment. If we did then we would have solved the problem of addiction and recovery. The best we can do is to encourage people towards this moment.
Once someone has reached the point of surrender, anything you do to help them will basically work. Any treatment center you send them to will produce good results. If they have not yet reached the point of surrender, then nothing you do will matter. At all. Nothing you do can overcome a lack of surrender. The alcoholic is still fighting and struggling and trying to control things and it’s just not going to work.
So how can you convince them to go to treatment? Simply offer to take them to treatment. If they’re not interested, then it makes no sense to press them further, because they are not ready. Even if you can somehow manipulate them into it, you are wasting your time. Not ready means not ready. And this has never been more true than when it comes to quitting drinking.
The best we can do is to be prepared to get them into treatment when the moment is right. Have a plan, make some calls, see what is available for alcoholic help. Then when the person has finally surrendered, you will have some options as to where you can take them.
How do you know when they’ve surrendered? When they ask for help. When they are ready to change on your terms, not on their terms. When they throw up their arms and say “I’ll do whatever you tell me to do. Show me how to live,” that is surrender. That is the start of recovery. Anything else on their part is more manipulation (such as “give me money,” or “I promise to go to treatment next week.”).
How can I organize an effective intervention for an alcoholic?
I have already written extensively about interventions, and I have a small bit of experience with them. I still think it is a possible option in some situations, but for the most part I am starting to see more and more evidence that formal interventions are almost never helpful. There is a sliver of hope here, though, because they occasionally do work in guiding an alcoholic towards recovery. But more and more I am seeing that they are never the magic bullet we think they might be; they cannot possibly be an instrument of real change. An intervention can not be the switch that goes off in the alcoholic’s mind that creates real surrender. That switch must be flipped in some other way, unfortunately, and there is seemingly no rhyme or reason to it.
But an intervention still might have benefits, even if it can not force recovery to happen instantly. For one thing, a formal intervention can:
1) Let the alcoholic know that people do care.
2) Show them that help is available (in the form of treatment).
3) Be a step towards their eventual surrender, even if it doesn’t get them clean and sober right now.
So if you are considering an intervention, understand that while the goal of the intervention is probably for the alcoholic to attend a treatment center and never drink again, this is probably an unrealistic expectation and you shouldn’t get your hopes up that high. More likely it is a step on their path to eventual sobriety. It might plant a seed for their awakening later on. Keep this in mind if things don’t go perfectly as planned. How do you help an alcoholic? Not by whacking them with a two by four, unfortunately. It takes gentle nudging in the right direction, and this idea of “planting a seed” is just that type of nudging.
How can I stop enabling an alcoholic?
This is really the core strategy that you need to focus on in your dealings with another alcoholic or addict: do not enable them.
What is enabling?
It’s just what it sounds like. If you enable an alcoholic, you allow them to continue drinking when they otherwise might have had to stop for some reason. But this gets tricky, because sometimes when we try to help an alcoholic, we are actually enabling them. Other times when we think we are “hurting” an alcoholic, we are actually helping them by observing healthy boundaries. Figuring out the difference here is critical.
If you can stop enabling the alcoholic, then this will get them closer and closer to facing reality and making an eventual decision to stop drinking on their own. This is the goal of helping the alcoholic–to force them to examine their own reality and hopefully make a change. Trying to convince them verbally is pointless. Threatening them is pointless. The key is to not enable them. Here’s how to go about doing that:
1) Don’t deny them consequences of their drinking
If the alcoholic in your life gets pulled over for drunk driving and lands in jail, leave them there. Do not bail them out. Sitting in jail is a natural consequence of their behavior, and they need to experience that consequence. It is part of the learning process. If you deny them that consequence, then they cannot learn.
Obviously, it might take several consequences before the alcoholic “wakes up” and decides to try something different (like recovery). But if there are never any consequences, why would the alcoholic ever decide to change? They wouldn’t. So do not deny them the natural consequences that occur due to their drinking.
This doesn’t mean you have to go out of your way to punish them or get them into trouble. Just let them fall on their face. If you keep “putting pillows under them” when they fall, then they will never be motivated to change.
2) Understand when you are helping versus enabling
Genuinely helping an alcoholic would involve things such as directing them to a treatment center, encouraging them to get help, or possibly taking them to an AA meeting. Examples of enabling behavior would be like if the alcoholic needs to borrow 50 dollars to keep their electricity turned on.
Just because the alcoholic needs money for something other than drinking does not mean you should give it to them. In fact, you should never loan or give money to someone who is still drinking, regardless of what they need it for. Doing so is enabling because they will continue to spend their other funds on drugs and alcohol.
Your approach to “helping” them needs to become very “hands-off.” The only way to really help them is when it is directly linked to a recovery effort (such as going to meetings or rehab). Everything else you might do for them is just manipulation and control on their part. Help for alcoholics does not come in the form of money or favors. Knowledge and encouragement is what they really need.
Beware of bargaining as well. “Loan me 50 bucks today and I promise I will go to rehab on Monday” does not cut it. Never bargain with them like this. It’s just more manipulation. If they want to bargain, you set the terms, not them. For example: “I will drive you to rehab on Monday if you are still willing to go.”
3) Understand and practice detachment
Detachment is the idea that the disease of alcoholism is separate from the alcoholic themselves. It’s the idea that we can love a person but hate their disease. When we practice detachment, we can view an alcoholic’s outrageous behavior as being part of their disease without taking it so personally. We can still love them even though they are sick and their behavior is unacceptable at times.
If you really want to help an alcoholic then you must start practicing detachment. Doing so will save your sanity as well as to start pushing the alcoholic closer to facing their own reality. That’s because your detachment will force them to examine their own actions instead of your reactions. When you stop reacting to the alcoholic’s outrageous behavior, it takes away an “out” that the alcoholic can use to shift the focus.
Detachment is not easy, and you might not do it perfectly at all times. But it’s important to understand the concept and to practice it as best you can. Even if it seems like you are distancing yourself from the alcoholic, it is still the healthiest behavior you can choose. You are choosing to distance yourself from their disease and the emotional turmoil that it creates.
4) Set healthy limits and boundaries
How can we know what healthy boundaries are? By separating the disease from the alcoholic.
In other words, if the person were not drinking, would they still need you to bail them out of jail or call in sick to work for them? Of course not. So don’t do those things for them, ever.
Always ask yourself before attempting to “help” the alcoholic: “Could they do this for themselves if they weren’t drinking?” If the answer is yes, then you should not “help” them with it.
Likewise, if the alcoholic is drunk and is engaging in unacceptable behavior (such as being verbally abusive for example), would that behavior be acceptable to you if they were sober? If the answer is no, then you should not tolerate that behavior….ever.
If their behavior is unacceptable when they are drunk then it is unacceptable, period. You should not tolerate it if you would not expect it from them if they were sober.
This is the process of setting healthy limits and boundaries. You have to decide what is acceptable behavior on their part, regardless of whether or not they have been drinking. In other words, the drinking can no longer be an excuse for their behavior. Separate the disease from the person and act accordingly.
Sometime, when the alcoholic is sober, you will want to communicate your limits and boundaries with them. This doesn’t have to be an angry argument. Simply tell them in advance how you will behave under certain conditions. For example: “I will not loan you money in the future, regardless of what you need it for. I will not bail you out of jail. I will not call in sick to work for you if you are hung over.” And so on.
Always, always, always follow through on your promises. Never make idle threats. Say what you mean and follow through with it. This is the only way to affect lasting change in the relationship.
You might be tempted to make a threat that you do not intend to follow through with. Don’t do it. Only set limits that you fully intend to enforce.
5) Don’t react to their drinking episodes.
Most of the big arguments happen when an alcoholic gets out of control and either gets into trouble or makes a fool of themselves. We have a tendency to react to these situations, and it is natural for us to believe that the greater our reaction is, the more likely it is to change their behavior (or at least get through to them so that they hear us). This is the wrong strategy.
When you react to their drinking episode, they can shift to focusing on to your reaction instead of on their behavior. Carry on as normal and they are forced to examine their part in things. Stop giving them fuel for their fire by reacting and blowing up at them. This just creates arguments and possibly drives them into isolation and more drinking.
This idea of non-reaction does not mean that you forget about your limits and boundaries. By all means, stick to your guns with them. That is extremely important.
Enforce limits and boundaries with decisive action–action that you had previously decided on in a rational moment of clarity and probably also communicated to the alcoholic. In the heat of the moment, do not react. Do not pour fuel on the fire. Simply follow through with the actions that you decided on (such as, “if you come home drunk again, I’m going to go stay over at a friend’s house for the night,” or whatever the case may be).
This is how to enforce limits and boundaries…with action instead of arguing. With detachment instead of emotional turmoil.
Action items – What you can do:
1) Detach. Separate the person from the disease and act accordingly.
2) Don’t enable. Never do for the alcoholic what they could do for themselves if they were sober.
3) Don’t react. Stop blowing up at the alcoholic and thinking that this will change things. Ignore their episodes and they will be forced to look at themselves for once.
If you found this helpful, feel free to share it with others
Recommended Reading
- Overcoming Addiction
- Addiction Recovery is about Discovering New Layers of Information
- 5 Ways to Supercharge Your Recovery, Avoid Relapse, and Dominate Your Addiction Over the Holiday Season
- 10 Ways to Embrace Creative Recovery and Take Your Sobriety to the Next Level
- Holistic Addiction Treatment Center
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Hi,
My father became depressed a few years ago due to money troubles. He started drinking heavily, although he has always been somewhat of a heavy drinker. He now drinks many bottles of vodka a week. He is a very quiet man and we have never been extremely close that we would share our feelings so it is hard to confront him and talk about it to him. He has 5 kids and a grandchild and still seems to act like he hasn’t got anything to live for. I’m angry and upset at him and really want to help him out of this dark place he is in, I just don’t know how to even bring the topic up! Only him and my mother have spoke about it, he just pretends it’s not happening to the rest of us in the house.
P.s, my dad is not violent in any way and does not ask for money, in fact he works 7 days a week! I just really want him to stop being drunk all the time, we never see him sober now.
My husband of 24 years is an alcoholic. For almost 2 years, he has been out of total control. He quit a great job, then started a new one, then was fired from that job for not going to work. He has been stopped by the police twice for being passed out in his truck under a bridge – drunk. Then arrested for PI. I told him I was filing for divorce because I just couldn’t handle this anymore, and that wasn’t the first time. This was after I was gone out of town for a few days and he isolated himself and didn’t go to work and was drinking large amounts of alcohol. He didn’t feed our animals – and I had had enough. I actually filed for divorce and had him served at this point. Since then, he passed out while driving and hit a building because his potassium level was too low. They though he had a heart attack, but was not able to determine that for sure. He then isolated himself for several days in hotel room, and I had him taken against his will to a hospital for treatment. His BAC was .384. I told him that if he came back to the house, since he refuses to go to rehab, that he would need to attend AA, and go to the doctor, etc. He was released from the hospital on a Monday, and attended AA on a Tuesday, and came home drunk. So, I told him he had to leave. He has been gone for 3 weeks traveling from Texas up to North Carolina, and is now somewhere between here and there…. I talk to him almost every day – he normally calls me. He wants me to drop the divorce and act like everything is OK. I am very worried about his well being and everyone else on the road that may pass him – because he does drive drunk. I want to help him. I know he is sick. I know if I told him to come back he would if I drop the divorce proceedings. I don’t think he will ever change, especially because he blames everything on me and nothing on his alcoholism. I have tried Alanon meetings in our area before and didn’t get much out of them. I really would like to move on with my life, but don’t know exactly how to handle it because he is so emotionally draining to me and on my mind all the time. Any advice???
After reading several of the previous posts – many of the same stories – I realize that I’m not alone. Many people suffer from the same things that I am suffering from…we all want the alcoholic in our lives to realize and see their problem with their addiction. I know the person that my husband actually can be and the person who he has become…two very different people.
I have had and still having a very difficult time with detachment from my husband. Always hopeful that he will see the way to a better way of living with out drinking. He has isolated himself from all of his friends – in fact, I do not think he really has any. All of his family live out of state. I have taken on ALL the responsibility since he is unable to control his drinking and it is definitely taking a tole on my own sanity.
I truly believe my husband is in the last stage of his disease. It’s very sad. Although I do not believe that he is suicidal, I do believe his disease will kill him or he will end up in prison, because I’m afraid he will have an auto accident and kill someone. I wish there was a way to make him see that he has a real problem…I know have to detach myself…but it’s so hard.
The fact is that he has to make the decision to change and I have to make the decision to move on with my life without him. After 24 years of marriage, it’s not an easy decision to make. I read the Serenity Prayer everyday and still wondering when I will accept the things that I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
May everyone who reads my post have a stress free day – or even an hour or two of peace. It’s comforting knowing I’m not alone in misery – that there are people out there, just like me!
Our 30 year old son had an brain injury requiring 2 craniotomies 6 1/2 years ago. Since then, his drinking has increased to the point of insanity. In the past 3 weeks he’s been in an emergency cardiac intervention unit with potassium levels below 2.0 and dehydration the worst they’ve ever seen. They released him after keeping him on adavan for 3 days… he started drinking again the next day. I hauled him off to what I thought was a rehab center (vista bay), but was just a house where they gave him adavan for 3 more days. He left and started drinking the same day. He’s been drinking for 3 days straight now. The hospital told us if he drinks, he’ll die. I’m so sad. He’s such a good person lost in this nightmare. I don’t think he’ll live through this week if we can’t stop him somehow. Help.
hey this is aparna,
my dad is 50 and he is an alcoholic n i dont know how to tackle him after he is drunk ,becoz then mom shouts n every thing gets messed up at home. he actually is a very introverd kind of person and when we try to hide his bottle or kind of stuff he threaten us n we then have to give up our tries …………so plz help me
Aparna, I’m no expert – that’s for sure – but, when my husband was in rehab, we were told not to hide or pour out the alcohol. The alcoholic will find a way to get it. The only thing you can do if he threatens you is call the police. At that point, if he is intoxicated, he most likely will be arrested and released when he sobers up.
Hope this helps. Good luck to you.
My son, age 23, lives with us. I think he drinks to cover up the pain of failure and his feelings of not being worthy of our love-never getting the college degree or reaching his true potential-having been in trouble. Binges on the weekends, drinks almost daily during the week-usually a 6 pack. My husband can not detach him from his behavior. I am a firm believer that the best way to handle it is to let our son handle it and keep praying. He is in debt, works a job where he gets $10/hour, has difficulty paying his bills. Goes to work every day he can but his job is weather dependent and when raining he is off without pay. ALWAYS has a girlfriend-pretty, intelligent young ladies with goals for their lives—go figure—they stick around for 6 months to 2 years then there is a new one. Hides in his room or at the gf’s house when off work. My father has been sober for over 40 years. My brother drank himself to death at age 42-5 years ago. Are we enabling him by allowing him to live in our house? My husband wants to give him the option of getting help or leaving our home—but also does not want to finance the help. I am not sure kicking him out is the answer—he will be homeless. I think we need to find a way to lift him up—not kick him when he is down. As you can imagine this is definitely affecting our marriage.
My father is an alcholic and everyone in my immediate family pretty much knows it. He is in denial. He works 6 days a week and is old fashion and very stubborn. He’s reaching a point where he came home the other night with his chin cracked open and had to be taken to the emergency room for stiches. First he told my mom that he got into a fight to get her attention because she usually ignores him when he wakes her up drunk at 4am. But once she saw the blood and gave her attention, he said he fell. My parents have a hard time communicating which does not help. They both have had painful lives. I don’t know how to help him or my family. I’m afraid he’s drowning his pain away and that he will end up deteriating his health if not get hurt. Please provide some guidence…
It is helpful to read all of these comments and find similarities with my situation. My 50 year old husband has only just this week admitted that he has a drinking problem. it has been quietly going on for the 20 years I have known him. I have been concerned but his behaviour was not terrible until recently, where he has been publicly drunk in front of friends and family. he was ashamed enough to admit privately to me me he has a problem, but he is also too ashamed to go to AlAnon, although i am going tonight, with or without him.
I love him,, but his behaviour is making me hate him, and i cannot, or do not know how to detatch. we have 2 children who know he has a drinking problem, and i worry about its affect on them. I was a smoker and quit after 30 years, which was the hardest thing i have done, so i understand addiction, and I know i cannot make him do something he is not prepared to do himself. However, i am having problems with the detatchment and love issue. I will not leave him for the sake of the children (right now anyway). anyone have any advice?
My husband of 25 years has a drinking problem. Over the years he has gotten into a pattern of drinking a lot then being sober for a while and you would think everything was okay. Even when he only has a couple of beers he changes personality he becomes very mean goes off on tangents talking about things that are completely silly and over the top. We have four children and as they are becoming adults they are starting to see what their dad is like when he is drunk and it is making them upset. Over the years we have had some hard times through his drinking (I have been able to hide it from the kids as it was never bad enough for them to notice) but also some fabulous times when he is sober. When I compare him to other people that drink I feel like I am being hard on him because he doesn’t seem to drink as much as them. However I can’t stand him anymore when he drinks I don’t like the person he becomes and I’m tired of living with someone that has to be drunk at least once a week and semi drunk 4 out of 7 days. The last straw was on my birthday where my husband and kids took me out for dinner. My husband was drunk before we got there and abused the waiter. I told him the next day that he had to choose between me and the drink. Of course over the past few weeks since he has been drinking and trying to hide it. My daughter wants to talk to him about it as he has had goes at her while he is drunk. Sorry for the long essay? Am I doing the right thing by letting her have a talk to him or is that just going to make it worse. I don’t want to leave my husband, apart from the drinking he has been a wonderful husband and father, but I hate him when he drinks. Please help?
THIS WAS REALLY HELPFUL.
MY BOYFRIEND WASS REAL INSECURE WHEN HES DRUNK AND NOW HES STARTING TO OPEN UP TO ME AND TELL ME WHATS REALLY BOTHERING HIM.
NOW HES A BETTER PERSON, AND IM STARTING TO SEE IMPROVEMENT.
THANKS
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