Since you’re here, you probably have a friend or loved one who is an alcoholic. And you probably want to know: how do you help an alcoholic in the real world? What can you do that will make a difference? Let’s find out:
First things first: work on changing your behavior, not the alcoholic
It is a hard fact to swallow at first, but the truth of the matter is that you are probably not going to be able to directly change an alcoholic’s behavior. Manipulating or threatening the alcoholic will only drive them deeper into isolation and heavy drinking.
If you try to control another person’s drinking, you are going to experience a loss of control and real powerlessness. Instead, if you focus on changing your own behavior, you will experience full control and an empowering mindset. This is how you go about helping an alcoholic: by focusing on your own behavior and how you choose to interact with the alcoholic….not by focusing on how you can manipulate or change the other person.
Keep reading. I will explain more below about how changing your behavior can help the alcoholic.
How can I convince an alcoholic to quit drinking?
This is a very difficult thing to do, most would say it is downright impossible. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t make a difference in the potential sobriety of a person. Show your support as best you can and let them know that you will support them in any way that you can if they choose to stop drinking.
Photo by The Ancient Brit
There are no secret tricks or manipulations when it comes to this stuff. Some people imagine that there might be a way to threaten or coerce an alcoholic into quitting drinking. There definitely is not. If you threaten them, they will simply withdrawal further away from you.
Most, if not all alcoholics, are slowly self destructing, and they know it. Threats mean nothing to someone who is self destructing. You can’t intimidate someone who has nothing to lose. It is simply more fuel for the alcoholic fire.
Trying to shame an alcoholic into sobriety doesn’t work either. If you succeed in shaming them, this will only make them want to drink more because they will truly feel shamed. The alcoholic really is a sick person. Would you shame a disabled person? Of course not.
So basically, there is no way to directly convince an alcoholic to quit drinking.
All efforts to influence an alcoholics behavior are going to be mostly indirect, but this does not make them unimportant. You can influence their behavior and decisions, just not in a very fast or direct manner. More on this below.
How can I help an alcoholic make the decision to go to treatment?
Much like trying to convince someone to quit drinking, this can be a difficult task. But getting someone to agree to treatment is much easier, but at the same time, it is probably not very useful. Here’s why:
Recovering alcoholics who are sober now will talk about a point of surrender that they reached in their drinking. Virtually every one of them that you talk to can pinpoint that moment of surrender, when they finally threw in the towel and stopped fighting against their disease. This is the moment of surrender. This is where recovery starts.
No one knows how to induce this moment. If we did then we would have solved the problem of addiction and recovery. The best we can do is to encourage people towards this moment. Take a look at the following flowchart to see some of these ideas illustrated:
Once someone has reached the point of surrender, anything you do to help them will basically work. Any treatment center you send them to will produce good results. If they have not yet reached the point of surrender, then nothing you do will matter. At all. Nothing you do can overcome a lack of surrender. The alcoholic is still fighting and struggling and trying to control things and it’s just not going to work.
So how can you convince them to go to treatment? Simply offer to take them to treatment. If they’re not interested, then it makes no sense to press them further, because they are not ready. Even if you can somehow manipulate them into it, you are wasting your time. Not ready means not ready. And this has never been more true than when it comes to quitting drinking.
The best we can do is to be prepared to get them into treatment when the moment is right. Have a plan, make some calls, see what is available for alcoholic help. Then when the person has finally surrendered, you will have some options as to where you can take them.
How do you know when they’ve surrendered? When they ask for help. When they are ready to change on your terms, not on their terms. When they throw up their arms and say “I’ll do whatever you tell me to do. Show me how to live,” that is surrender. That is the start of recovery. Anything else on their part is more manipulation (such as “give me money,” or “I promise to go to treatment next week.”).
How can I organize an effective intervention for an alcoholic?
I have already written extensively about interventions, and I have a small bit of experience with them. I still think it is a possible option in some situations, but for the most part I am starting to see more and more evidence that formal interventions are almost never helpful. There is a sliver of hope here, though, because they occasionally do work in guiding an alcoholic towards recovery. But more and more I am seeing that they are never the magic bullet we think they might be; they cannot possibly be an instrument of real change. An intervention can not be the switch that goes off in the alcoholic’s mind that creates real surrender. That switch must be flipped in some other way, unfortunately, and there is seemingly no rhyme or reason to it.
But an intervention still might have benefits, even if it can not force recovery to happen instantly. For one thing, a formal intervention can:
1) Let the alcoholic know that people do care.
2) Show them that help is available (in the form of treatment).
3) Be a step towards their eventual surrender, even if it doesn’t get them clean and sober right now.
So if you are considering an intervention, understand that while the goal of the intervention is probably for the alcoholic to attend a treatment center and never drink again, this is probably an unrealistic expectation and you shouldn’t get your hopes up that high. More likely it is a step on their path to eventual sobriety. It might plant a seed for their awakening later on. Keep this in mind if things don’t go perfectly as planned. How do you help an alcoholic? Not by whacking them with a two by four, unfortunately. It takes gentle nudging in the right direction, and this idea of “planting a seed” is just that type of nudging.
How can I stop enabling an alcoholic?
This is really the core strategy that you need to focus on in your dealings with another alcoholic or addict: do not enable them.
What is enabling?
It’s just what it sounds like. If you enable an alcoholic, you allow them to continue drinking when they otherwise might have had to stop for some reason. But this gets tricky, because sometimes when we try to help an alcoholic, we are actually enabling them. Other times when we think we are “hurting” an alcoholic, we are actually helping them by observing healthy boundaries. Figuring out the difference here is critical.
If you can stop enabling the alcoholic, then this will get them closer and closer to facing reality and making an eventual decision to stop drinking on their own. This is the goal of helping the alcoholic–to force them to examine their own reality and hopefully make a change. Trying to convince them verbally is pointless. Threatening them is pointless. The key is to not enable them. Here’s how to go about doing that:
1) Don’t deny them consequences of their drinking
If the alcoholic in your life gets pulled over for drunk driving and lands in jail, leave them there. Do not bail them out. Sitting in jail is a natural consequence of their behavior, and they need to experience that consequence. It is part of the learning process. If you deny them that consequence, then they cannot learn.
Obviously, it might take several consequences before the alcoholic “wakes up” and decides to try something different (like recovery). But if there are never any consequences, why would the alcoholic ever decide to change? They wouldn’t. So do not deny them the natural consequences that occur due to their drinking.
This doesn’t mean you have to go out of your way to punish them or get them into trouble. Just let them fall on their face. If you keep “putting pillows under them” when they fall, then they will never be motivated to change.
2) Understand when you are helping versus enabling
Genuinely helping an alcoholic would involve things such as directing them to a treatment center, encouraging them to get help, or possibly taking them to an AA meeting. Examples of enabling behavior would be like if the alcoholic needs to borrow 50 dollars to keep their electricity turned on.
Just because the alcoholic needs money for something other than drinking does not mean you should give it to them. In fact, you should never loan or give money to someone who is still drinking, regardless of what they need it for. Doing so is enabling because they will continue to spend their other funds on drugs and alcohol.
Your approach to “helping” them needs to become very “hands-off.” The only way to really help them is when it is directly linked to a recovery effort (such as going to meetings or rehab). Everything else you might do for them is just manipulation and control on their part. Help for alcoholics does not come in the form of money or favors. Knowledge and encouragement is what they really need.
Beware of bargaining as well. “Loan me 50 bucks today and I promise I will go to rehab on Monday” does not cut it. Never bargain with them like this. It’s just more manipulation. If they want to bargain, you set the terms, not them. For example: “I will drive you to rehab on Monday if you are still willing to go.”
3) Understand and practice detachment
Detachment is the idea that the disease of alcoholism is separate from the alcoholic themselves. It’s the idea that we can love a person but hate their disease. When we practice detachment, we can view an alcoholic’s outrageous behavior as being part of their disease without taking it so personally. We can still love them even though they are sick and their behavior is unacceptable at times.
If you really want to help an alcoholic then you must start practicing detachment. Doing so will save your sanity as well as to start pushing the alcoholic closer to facing their own reality. That’s because your detachment will force them to examine their own actions instead of your reactions. When you stop reacting to the alcoholic’s outrageous behavior, it takes away an “out” that the alcoholic can use to shift the focus.
Detachment is not easy, and you might not do it perfectly at all times. But it’s important to understand the concept and to practice it as best you can. Even if it seems like you are distancing yourself from the alcoholic, it is still the healthiest behavior you can choose. You are choosing to distance yourself from their disease and the emotional turmoil that it creates.
4) Set healthy limits and boundaries
How can we know what healthy boundaries are? By separating the disease from the alcoholic.
In other words, if the person were not drinking, would they still need you to bail them out of jail or call in sick to work for them? Of course not. So don’t do those things for them, ever.
Always ask yourself before attempting to “help” the alcoholic: “Could they do this for themselves if they weren’t drinking?” If the answer is yes, then you should not “help” them with it.
Likewise, if the alcoholic is drunk and is engaging in unacceptable behavior (such as being verbally abusive for example), would that behavior be acceptable to you if they were sober? If the answer is no, then you should not tolerate that behavior….ever.
If their behavior is unacceptable when they are drunk then it is unacceptable, period. You should not tolerate it if you would not expect it from them if they were sober.
This is the process of setting healthy limits and boundaries. You have to decide what is acceptable behavior on their part, regardless of whether or not they have been drinking. In other words, the drinking can no longer be an excuse for their behavior. Separate the disease from the person and act accordingly.
Sometime, when the alcoholic is sober, you will want to communicate your limits and boundaries with them. This doesn’t have to be an angry argument. Simply tell them in advance how you will behave under certain conditions. For example: “I will not loan you money in the future, regardless of what you need it for. I will not bail you out of jail. I will not call in sick to work for you if you are hung over.” And so on.
Always, always, always follow through on your promises. Never make idle threats. Say what you mean and follow through with it. This is the only way to affect lasting change in the relationship.
You might be tempted to make a threat that you do not intend to follow through with. Don’t do it. Only set limits that you fully intend to enforce.
5) Don’t react to their drinking episodes.
Most of the big arguments happen when an alcoholic gets out of control and either gets into trouble or makes a fool of themselves. We have a tendency to react to these situations, and it is natural for us to believe that the greater our reaction is, the more likely it is to change their behavior (or at least get through to them so that they hear us). This is the wrong strategy.
When you react to their drinking episode, they can shift to focusing on to your reaction instead of on their behavior. Carry on as normal and they are forced to examine their part in things. Stop giving them fuel for their fire by reacting and blowing up at them. This just creates arguments and possibly drives them into isolation and more drinking.
This idea of non-reaction does not mean that you forget about your limits and boundaries. By all means, stick to your guns with them. That is extremely important.
Enforce limits and boundaries with decisive action–action that you had previously decided on in a rational moment of clarity and probably also communicated to the alcoholic. In the heat of the moment, do not react. Do not pour fuel on the fire. Simply follow through with the actions that you decided on (such as, “if you come home drunk again, I’m going to go stay over at a friend’s house for the night,” or whatever the case may be).
This is how to enforce limits and boundaries…with action instead of arguing. With detachment instead of emotional turmoil.
Action items - What you can do:
1) Detach. Separate the person from the disease and act accordingly.
2) Don’t enable. Never do for the alcoholic what they could do for themselves if they were sober.
3) Don’t react. Stop blowing up at the alcoholic and thinking that this will change things. Ignore their episodes and they will be forced to look at themselves for once.
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My husband is a cheating alcoholic, and it’s very difficult to not react to his cheating. Any advice on that would be appreciated.
Hi there Pamela
I don’t think you should treat his cheating any differently based on the fact that he has been drinking or not. In other words, don’t let his drinking be an excuse for anything. Act accordingly.
Some behavior is acceptable and some is not. Communicate what is and what is not and outline what course of action you will take based on his behavior. Don’t threaten to leave unless you’re willing to go through with it.
I would also urge you to ask for help and possibly seek out an Al-Anon group.
I should have read the title bar .. I left a post on your home page. Glad I found this page.
I believe that through my own need for sanity, I’ve followed your advice unsuspectingly- detach, dont enable, dont react.
I suppose I need to stick to my guns and not see this man Im trying to help until he can meet me sober and also listen to my suggestions of getting into rehab. Ive mentioned it to him in the past -probably at times when he was drunk and, of course, there is no problem as far as he’s concerned.
I suppose in a way this is harder than being the addict himself. As the addict will know his “point of surrender”.
how do you detach when small children are involved and the alcoholic is very undependable, especially with money for the bills? Just wait until we are homeless? And have no car? I am having a difficult time right now. He is working out of town and we see virtually none of the money. And there is always an excuse. this is the worst he has been.. Plus I have to deal with lawsuits due to bounced checks (large amts)because the account was in my name. How do I deal with all of this?
That sounds like a difficult situation, Angela, and I’m afraid there are no easy answers. I would encourage you to get to an Al-Anon group and seek advice from others who have been exactly where you are now. I would also take what steps I could to protect yourself as an individual, especially with the financial stuff. I would try to get some legal counsel that can at least clear your name in the case of the bounced checks.
Hopefully you can find strength through this stuff. I know it’s not fair. Get to an Al-Anon group and start putting yourself (and your children) first.
I am with a ” functioning” alcoholic. He owns a business, has a million dollar home and all the nice things that come with it. He is an angry alcoholic - toward me, his kids, whoever gets in his way. His dad was an alcoholic and he doesn’t see the similarities in himself. The biggest problem is that he has never had any consequences to face except for an occasional scrape. I would love to move out and not enable him, but with no where to go and no money how I can I do that in the same house?
My father is an alcoholic with no money and no insurance. He has been in a drunken state for over a week now. My step mother just called me to tell me that I need to get him out of the house. He cannot live with me. I don’t know where to take him that will help him. He is 57 years old and recently lost his job of 25 years. He needs to be deemed disabled and put on social security disability insurance. I don’t know what to do. Aren’t there social workers that I can call or people who’s job it is to help people like my father?
Hi there Eric
I do not think that the process of getting someone on disability is a very quick one. It sounds to me like you would do well to encourage your father to seek treatment.
I would start with the phone book and calling local places that can direct you. Even if they can not help, they will know who can. Follow the trail until you find someone that offers detox and residential treatment. That is a good starting place and they can best help your father in the short term. It sounds like he might even be a good candidate for long term treatment.
Good luck in your search. Try to get him into a short term treatment center and they can help him from there. Good luck to both of you….
Hi,
I was wondering if you could help. My mum has recently fallen off the wagon recently after 10 years of sobriety and is now in the grip of it again but is nowhere near as bad as she was before. She was helped in the past by AA meetings after trying rehab which didnt work. Is there any advice you can give? She doesnt think the meetings will help again.
Thanks.
Hi Joe
Ten years of sobriety is not trivial and I would think she should focus her efforts on duplicating her previous success. Yes she eventually fell off the wagon but 10 years is no accident. She obviously learned how to live sober and that is something that she could feasibly return to if she had the desire.
Does she have the desire? She knows how to live sober. 10 years proves that much.
I would say it is all up to her. Meetings don’t have to be her solution but she did something for 10 years that helped her through….she needs to return to that strategy and make it work for her again.
Good luck to both of you….
Hi,
My son is a 31 year old alcoholic that is sinking deeper into debt every day. He is really starting to lose control of his temper. At this time he is going through a divorce that is due to his drinking and drug problem. He has a 6 year old son that he gets to have every other weekend. Last night I recieved a call from his soon to be ex. My son called her drunk, wanting to say he was sorry for the past and that he wanted to say goodbye to his son on the phone. He stated that he had his rifle out and that he couldn’t take life anymore. All of us ( his family ) rushed over to his apartment. His new girlfriend had locked herself in the bedroom in fear. My son did have his gun out. He has alot of debt due to not being employed. He lost his good job due to his drinking several months ago. He is feeling helpless and sorry for himself. We stayed and talked to him until 2:00 AM this morning. What should we have done in this instance? I feel like we should have called the police, but I was alone in this thought. Where can we go from here when he has no money to get help. He also damaged his hand badly from punching the tv and fridge, but refused treatment because of his money situation. Please give me ideas. We live in Wisconsin.
Hi Diana
In terms of someone threatening to hurt themselves, I would tend to side with you Diana and try to get him in to a safe facility of some sort. I know some hospitals will admit psychiatric situations like that right through the Emergency room, although I’m not sure if that is an option where you are at. But I would tend to side with you and do whatever I could to help someone who is suicidal.
As for the addiction, I would call around to local treatment centers and get information directly from them. Here in Michigan there is a certain amount of state funding that occurs for people to go to treatment when they do not have insurance. Each state is different though so you will have to get on the phone and find out. Cross your fingers and hope that there are funding agencies in Wisconsin like there are in Michigan. Best of luck to you and your son…..
My Aunt is scaring my family stiff with her drinking. She is blacking out and passing out after 2 bottles of wine per night and we are scared she will continue falling/passing out and hit her head and kill herself. She is fiercly in denial and gets very angry if we bring it up. She has been through a lot these last few years and it feels like she is at her lowest point. She has disowned her own children because they are telling her what she doesnt want to hear and have had enough of seeing thier mum like that. She has recently been talking about suicide and going away, and I am very concerned for her wellbeing. What can I do without coming over too strong? She will never talk to me again if I try to interfere but I am worried sick. Thank you if you can help us.
Hi there Kell
Steep denial is very difficult to overcome in a situation like that, especially if the person is rather stubborn to begin with. If she is suicidal then her problems are bigger than alcoholism. You might even consider attempting to treat her for the suicidal behavior first. In some cases you can get her into a safe place that can help treat her for that, although I’m not so sure she would go willingly. I believe most facilities that treat suicidal thoughts also consider substance abuse and usually have groups that focus on that as well.
Of course none of this matters if you can’t convince her to go. It varies by state here in the US, but there is also the option of committing someone for a few different reasons. In some states you can commit others for substance abuse, but not in all states.
That stuff can get complicated and I hope you can just convince her to get help. Not easy to do if she is resigned to just calling it quits on her own life. Prayers for both you and your mom….
How do you help an alcoholic and recovering addict if their physical environment, past criminal record, longtime partner and current financial situation supports their behavior after multiple attempts of sobriety? As an outsider looking in, it seems like it’s an endless cycle…surrender, detox, sober for 30 days, feels useless because no job offers come from past criminal record, move back in with alcoholic partner in bad neighborhood, drinks again…and so on. How can I help without enabling the person?
I think I have finally realized that my boyfriend has a drinking problem. He is very successful at work and never drinks during the day. We see each other mostly on weekends (as I live about 45 minutes away via public transport). On weekends, he downs 2-3 bottles of wine each evening. His personality doesn’t really change, he’s still pretty sweet and harmless. Up until recently, I have been drinking with him (a fraction of the amount) mostly I think to avoid confronting his problem– I could pretend he was normal if I drank with him. I’ve stopped doing that recently. I even confronted him on the amount he drinks– he asked how it impacts me. I can’t say that it directly does– we live in a city and don’t drive, and he doesn’t become an angry drunk or anything. The only particular thing I could point to was that when he is drunk he hogs the bed and snores loudly, which causes me to sleep on the sofa sometimes. I’m not sure where to go from here to show him consequences for his actions– should I leave in the middle of the night when he stumbles into bed (which would entail wandering the dark streets for a $50 cab ride home?)
Hi there Sara
Sounds like you are in a tough situation. I think if you stick around long enough your boyfriend might eventually start experiencing some consequences from his drinking. It doesn’t necessarily have to be from your decision to leave or whatever…if he is truly alcoholic then he will force the issue himself. I would just urge you to use good boundaries and set some healthy limits, don’t let his drinking become your excuse for letting things happen that you otherwise would find unacceptable. For example, if he drinks a few bottles of wine and then insists on driving you somewhere. That is crossing a line that is not acceptable to most people. Now that is just an example, if you find yourself objecting to something but say “oh, well he is drunk so it’s OK,” then that is a red flag…it’s NOT OK, and this is where you could get into trouble.
So proceed with caution, communicating about this stuff can be tricky and create resentment and anger, but that might be the path you are forced to take some day. Set limits and communicate them if you have to. Let him know what you will not tolerate.
You could also seek help locally from Al-Anon meetings, they can advise you based on their experience….
Good luck to you both.
My husband is an alcholic that works everyday, and I would say that most people have no idea he has a problem. Even I for the longest time, didn’t believe it. We have been married now for almost 11 years and his drinking has become a true issue. I have asked him to stop, I have offered my support in everyway possible to help him. He is in denial that he has a problem. He will not seek help and I don’t know what to do. I love him and he is such a good man. The only advice I see for people that love alcoholics is to leave them. Is there any other way???
There are of course 2 options, Debbie, you can leave or you can stay. It’s not necessarily a good idea to leave, things could in fact work out really well in the end if you stick it out.
But do not fool yourself if you decide to stay. Realize that you can NOT change him. Only he can make that decision. If you go to Al-Anon meetings for support you will learn that it is best for you not to cling to a false hope that you can somehow convince him to stop drinking. Yes, you can still support him in any efforts he might make to stop, but realize that you are powerless over his drinking. If he is in denial then the best you can do sometimes is to make sure you do not enable him and let natural consequences play out as they will.
If everything stays relatively calm and good in his life then there really is no problem (even if you know there is a drinking problem) and he will not seek help. The only way he will seek help is if HE sees there is a problem. Even then it might take a lot for him to see his disease and decide to do something about it.
Therefore, do not deny him of his pain or of his consequences. If he falls on his face, let him fall. If he lands in jail for drunk driving, let him sit there. Only when he experiences enough pain and the alcohol can no longer medicate the pain enough will he decide to change. Unfortunately for some they have to lose their loved ones before reaching this point.
Best for your serenity, Debbie, is to find help locally in Al-Anon meetings or something similar. Good luck to you and your husband…
Hi Lynn
I know it is tough when someone has a past that is holding them back in recovery with legal problems and such. I believe in a holistic approach that addresses our full life and the whole situation, so addressing those other needs is critical as well. For example, finding an agency that can help with job placement and finding work for someone can be just as important as the support to actually stay sober for some people.
So it seems to be about finding resources that can help him. He needs to get connected with an agency that can assist with this type of thing. Good luck to both of you…..
My wife has been showing signs of alcohol abuse. I am struggling with how to set boundaries and avoid enabling her in social situations with family, friends, and usually our kids (ages 11, 14 & 17).
We are at get togethers multiple times a month at a restaurant, or at a family or friends home where the adults are drinking. My wife has had gastric bypass surgery which seems to increase the effect of alcohol. She often becomes intoxicated, which is noticeable by her speech, behavior and sometimes coordination. My kids recognize the problem and are often embarrassed.
I always stay sober and drive home. Am I enabling her by doing this? How can I set boundaries in these situations, without trying to manipulate and control her drinking?
I have already tried pleading, and controlling and getting angry with her. None of this worked. I am ready to try detaching and setting boundaries, and to stop enabling if I am. Any advice is very much appreciated. I love her and want to do the right things to help.
Hi there Charles
I think detachment is what is necessary in your situation. The problem is how to go about doing it while maintaining your life with the person.
Part of the idea is to make her face the consequences of her drinking. Getting angry with her did not work. The experts suggest that if she really screws up and goes off the deep end, you should not blow up at her and get angry, because this will shift the focus off of her drinking and on to you being angry and blowing up.
Instead, the key is in non-reaction. This might sound like you are avoiding the issue or ducking something but it is the best strategy when she expects anger. You must not react. Continue as if nothing is wrong and this will force her to face the consequences of her drinking.
You might also encourage your children to do the same but I don’t know if that is really fair to young children. But the idea is to force her to take a look at her drinking. If you save her from embarrassment then this will not happen. If you protect her from consequences then she will not feel the pain of them and eventually change.
Can you take a few months off from doing the get togethers? If so this might force the issue and she will no longer have this social situation where drinking is encouraged. Then she’ll have to drink at home or find transportation or risk drunk driving. The idea is not to make her crash and burn but only to make her honestly face her drinking problem.
I have tried to apply the suggestions to your situation but if you went to an Al-Anon meeting the people there could probably help you even more. Good luck to you Charles and to your wife, I have hope for her recovery…..
Hi Patrick,
Thank you for the advice. I will try detachment as you suggested. I obtained a list of Al-anon meetings nearby. I plan on going to a meeting during the next week.
This is a great site. So often people just need advise on how to react, how to handle situations. In alanon there is no advise.
Do you know of a website for recovery victoms to share and talk about feelings.
Thanks for sharing your web site.
Hi Sabrina
I would start your search at
http://alanonchat.org/
There you can do live chat with other Al-anon members. If that doesn’t seem to help much, perhaps those people can direct you to other resources.
Good luck to you Sabrina, thanks for the comment.
MY HUSBAND IS AN ALCOHOLIC. IT IS VERY HARD ON ME AND MY KIDS. HE SAYS HE WANTS TO SLOW DOWN OR QUIT BUT DOESN’T WANT TO GO TO MEETINGS FOR HELP.HE THINKS BY NOT DRINKING FOR ONE DAY THAT EVERYTHING IS OK.I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO . WHEN HE GETS DRUNK HE IS VERY MEAN TO ME AND MY KIDS.I WORK 2 TO 10PM SOME DAYS AND WORRY THE WHOLE TIME CAUSE MY KIDS ARE HERE WITH HIM. I’VE CAME HOME MANY TIMES TO MY KIDS CRYING BECAUSE SOMETHING HE’S SAID TO THEM OR DONE.IT IS SO HARD TO DEAL WITH.WHAT CAN I DO IF HE DOESN’T WANT TO GO TO MEETINGS,BUT WANTS HELP.
My friend is an alcoholic and she HATES herself when she drinks. Every time she drinks she always ends up depressed and unmotivated about her life. She gets very suicidal and wants to be detached from everyone. She claims that the she has REAL feelings when she’s drunk and when she is sober she is feeling-less. She believes her drunk self is her TRUE self. She doesn’t live with me, but she calls when she is drunk and is crying so I go to her house and she tells me how much she hates me and wants to be alone, but I know that’s not what she wants. She hates her disease, but still isn’t ready to admit it’s her problem. She hates herself for not being able to fight it alone. She has said she would want to go to rehab for 30 days, but her family can’t afford it, because she doesn’t have health insurance. How can I help her? Please help me! I want to help her so bad and I don’t know what to do.
Hi there Sarah
I would call around to some local treatment centers and see what they offer for funding options. Insurance is just one way to pay. In some states they have grants that will pay for people to go to rehab. In other cases they might do a payment plan.
I know how it is with your friend and feeling like she has feelings when she drinks. It’s like you block out the negative stuff with the booze but can still have a good time. Unfortunately that becomes less and less frequent the longer you keep drinking. The “window of happiness” gets smaller and smaller with each passing day. Then one day you realize that alcohol is no longer fun at all, and the best you can do is to black out. Not fun.
Hopefully your friend will seek help before she gets to that point…..
Good luck to you both.
My husband is 54 and until 3 years never drank. He up until that time was a wonderful husband and father. He has had ulcerative colitis for 20 years and 3 years ago had a heart attack and quadruple bypass. Since then he has become an alcoholic and has progressively became worse. He has been through an intensive outpatient program twice-both were unsuccessful. He was fired from his job three months ago and has pretty much drank night and day since then, with only few days here and there with no drinking. He is drawing unemployment and spends the biggest part of it on drink. Fortunately, I have a good job and so for now, I can hold on financially in hopes that our house sells soon, etc. However, he was the major wage earner and unless we decrease our assets quickly, things will get bad financially. (If he doesn’t spend his money, he will access credit to purchase his drink.) He has up until this time been a wonderful husband and father and it is difficult for me and my children to believe what has happened. I know he feels worthless, is extremely depressed, and pretty much does nothing but lie on the sofa and watch TV. For the most part, he is still kind to us but, like most people who have drank too much, he can be loud and kind of “sickening” in his behavior. Due to his health problems, I really fear for his life and my children love their Dad (as I do) and want him to just QUIT!! He has seen a psychiatrist (until recently) and is taking medicine for his depression, which I think is counter productive due to his continued drinking. Counselors at the intensive outpatient say they have never seen someone become so dependent and advanced in their alcoholism in such a short time and feel he needs to a 30 day inpatient program. I have offered to take him and have talked to several so I would have somewhere for him to go should he agree. He says he will get help when he decides to get help….I have been trying to detach myself and not react as much as I used to to his drinking. I have thought about trying to have him committed but truly I’m afraid this might send him over the edge…I’m not even sure his heart could take it. This man used to be very concered with his appearance and now I have to remind (encourage) him to take a shower. He says taking a shower gets him out of breath. Should I just let him lie on the sofa and drink, knowing that his health is rapidly deterioriating? I feel like his circumstance is different because his health is so bad. (He has been hospitalized in the past three years for pancreatitis, his heart attack and two chronic episodes of colitis. He takes remicaid infusion every six weeks which is an audio immune drug or else he would have to have a colostomy.
Hi there Elaine
Wow that is quite a story and quite a stressful situation. It sounds like your husband is in very poor health and I wish I had a magic bullet for you on this one.
Depending on what state you live in, you might be able to commit him to a facility. But like you said this might “push him over the edge” and indeed might strain your relationship to a breaking point. It could create resentment and draw him further into his drinking.
Of course you might get to a point where it is worth it to take that risk. If you are not interested in seeing him continue as is, and you’re willing to risk some major consequences, then it might be worth looking into.
Keep in mind that it probably won’t do much good to commit someone, but there is a shred of hope that just getting sober will click the light on for them. But this is less likely than you think, based on my experience (both as an alcoholic and as a full time employee at a treatment center).
In this case Elaine I think you should consult a doctor who is knowledgeable about alcoholism and addiction and see what they say. Obviously you can’t force someone to get sober but a doctor might here those health problems and say “Commit him at any cost.” I really have no idea as I’m not a medical professional but I am as concerned as you are about that state of health.
I have seen so many alcoholics die since I got sober 8 years ago. It really is frightening. With that said I wish both you and your husband good luck on this and I hope he can get the help he needs….
I love your advice about detachment. I really need to learn how to do that. I get so angry when my husband looks me right in the eye and lies to me like I’m the crazy one. And I am most of the time. Can you suggest a good book on how to detach from an alcoholic that provides exercises on doing so?
And in regards to setting boundaries is sleeping on the couch good enough when my husband comes home drunk if I have no where else to spend the night?
Thank you so much for your help!
Those are good questions Madona and I would encourage you to seek help from an Al-anon meeting for more specific advice. I can tell you that one of the best authors on this topic for a good book to read is Mealody Beattie’s “Codependent No More.” Look it up at the local library or just Google it and read up on her stuff.
At any rate, good luck to you and your husband both….
My brother is 52 years old and in the past year he has been put out of his home of 27 years,his wife filed for divorce, she filed a restraining order against him, he was arrested in his driveway with hi first DUI,has been to 30 day rehabs twice, detox facilities 4 times,Got stopped for a Second DUI and recently went to court drunk and was issued a third DUI, Lost very lucrative job–He has his a PHD and is exteremely intelligent and tries to tell everyone how to handle him and his addiction. I have read Codependent No More but somehow I still feel like I need to do something to prompt his sobriety. He is presently in his apartment, isolated from everyone, hoping to die so he has said many times. His wife and I have intervened on several occassions and brought him to crisis intervention. He detoxes and starts all over again. He has maxed out his credit cards and I’m afraid will be evicted from his apt. I am trying very hard to detach—Do I call him—do I visit his apertment–Do I just pray and wait the outcome of this last seemingly hopeless situation? Please Help with some advice.Thank you for listening
Hi there Orysia
That is a very desperate situation and it sounds like you have already run through the entire gamut of interventions and crisis rescues and whatnot. Not many options out there that you haven’t already tried.
In some states you can commit people for this but in others you cannot. Not sure if that is the right choice anyway. We all know that it has to be his decision to change and not yours, but I understand your desperation.
I suppose you could try to expand your intervention efforts. Get more family involved. Not sure that is the right answer though.
Prayer, yes. Not much else for you to try. Hopefully he has “had enough” pain and will make a change. Prayers for both of you. Good luck.
im 13 years old. my best friend is 15 and a freshman in high school. this is her second time being an alcoholic. i grew up with an alcoholic father. he never hit us or anything but i was still scared of him. my other best friend who is also a freshman in high school was just in the hospital for alcohol posioning. trying to convince your best friend to set down the bottle of vodka when your on the phone and throw it away is one of the hardest things ive ever had to do.
Hi there anonymous 13 year old,
You are so young for these kinds of problems. I hope what you see in others will be lesson enough for you: steer clear of the booze! There is no great life in abusing drugs and alcohol. It is only misery heaped on more misery. Good luck to you….
You’re absolutely right about reaching the point of surrender, before true recovery can take place. Unfortunately, unless this takes place, there is nothing anyone can do to stop the addiction. Manipulating addicts to a rehab center just doesn’t work, either. However, I would think the kind of rehab center you choose does matter. Any center will give you the basic detox and recovery treatment but the atmosphere and the understanding help of professionals goes a long way. A home atmosphere helps more than a prison-like system. Treatment centers like Stepping Stone have had a good success rate.
Hi there Stepping Stone Treatment Center
I’m sure you have a fine rehab facility, and I appreciate your insights. But I still think that he quality of the treatment center is one of the least important variables when it comes to long term success rates. My own experience has been that a “lessor” treatment center was the one that finally did the trick for me, simply because I was ready at the time. It didn’t matter how nice or homely other treatment centers were for me because at the time I went to them I just wasn’t ready to change.
I also agree that manipulating an addict into rehab is usually a losing strategy….on the other hand, it might plant a seed that will later come to fruition for that person.
How would you deal with an ex-wife who is an alcoholic as well as bipolar? I wish she would stay out of my life totally but we have a daughter together that I raise. I feel bad for her because she is losing everything she has and it doesn’t seem like she can comprehend it. I’m at the point that she probably does need to lose everything but it just seems like a shame that it has to happen. I know I can’t help her but at the same time it’s hard to see things ever getting better for her.
Sorry to hear about that situation Scott. It sounds like you are doing what you can and simply raising your daughter with or without your ex-wife’s help. She will have to find her own bottom. Maybe you can suggest rehab but you have probably done that and she does not sound like she is quite ready to change.
Pray for her and if it happens it happens. Some of us do manage to change some day. Good luck to you and your ex….
Hi,
I think my partner of three years has a drinking problem. It’s was not easy to notice or to point at it, as he never ever becomes violent or rude, or gets into trouble with a law (actually he tends to drive when drunk and even drives with his 10 year old son when he takes him home).
He is 40, musician and was in music industry for a long time. As much as I know from his stories he was well into drinking and drugs and being depressed. After one lost lawsuit he has a big debt that he never felt he will be able to pay off. He lost trust of his industry and stopped playing and composing. He had good jobs after that but no joy or satisfaction from them. When we were in a good financial situation I suggested to quit and go back to music. So he is doing a course and composes little by little again. He got a bit optimistic, we are planning a family and life together. We also decided to move to our home country this year after his studies because I have my own place there and family will be there for us too. However as he is in such debt, he is planning to file for bankruptcy and then leave. All these failures make him depressed no matter how much I try to cheer him up. I think he thinks he failed his previous relationship, he will lose his son to a new boyfriend of his ex, so he continues to drink. He used to drink a bottle of wine or two a night, and when he hooks up – he looses it totally. He doesn’t drink spirits normally, but when it gets out of control he would drink anything. Sometimes he doesn’t drink for couple of months and is very happy about it, telling how well he feels and that’s the way forward to him. But then he goes out with his other troubled friends and won’t come back home, and when he does I’d found out he was taking drunks and drinking a lot. As I said he doesn’t cause a trouble, so sometimes I was comforting him (everyone slips…), sometimes I’d get angry and nag him about it, I’ve tried to control him and our alcohol intake at home, but it just doesn’t work. I’ve suggested to look for help, but he says he tried it (I suppose AA) and it didn’t work, he was taking antidepressants for a long time but the show goes on really. He agreed he has a problem (actually says it himself) and wants to sort drinking out, or asks me to run away from him, leave him because he’s ashamed. He says he want to have a second chance and start new life with me. However, recently he said he is drinking in secret and much more than I think or know. That was very unexpectede as I thought I knew and could recognise the level of drunkness on him. I am lost and not really sure what do to. I want to help him but don’t know how. We live in London (UK). Your advice would be very appreciated.
I have a daughter in law that is an alcolholic. She gave birth to a little girl this month. She drank the whole pregancy, yet the baby seems fine. She is still drinking and getting drunk, yet her husband is staying sober to take care of the baby. I worry she will get drunk during the week while daddy is at work. She hates to see me when she is drinking. How can I help her if at all possible and when do I get outside help?
@ Linda - Hi there Linda, I’m not sure there is much you can do at this point other than be honest with him and support him if he wants to get help. That is classic behavior that he feels so ashamed and asks you to leave him, thinking that this might somehow force him to face his drinking problem. Tell him that it would not work and he must face the problem with or without you, your actions make no difference. In fact if you left it would probably depress him further and give him excuse to drink. He must take the necessary action to pull himself out of it and seek help. There are other avenues besides AA but that would be a decent place to start. Treatment centers would be a good option as well.
@ E.J. Phelps - Hi there EJ. I doubt you can help her in any sort of direct way as she has already demonstrated that she will not get sober for the sake of others (as evidenced by her drunken pregnancy).
As such you should intervene when you feel that she is truly a danger to herself or others. If you think she might pass out and thus neglect the baby then that would be cause for alarm in my book. Of course, intervening in this manner will usually involve the police and that will create huge resentments. Not a good situation and no easy answers for you I’m afraid. She might have to learn things the hard way and if that means losing her child for a while then it might have to come to that.
Good luck to you both….
Hi,
I have a 60 yr.mom who is in a halfway house working on her 2nd attempt recovery. the last time she was sober for 6 months. This house told her she needs to get a job in 5 days or will be out unless she can pay them for 2 wks. stay. She is not having luck with jobs. How do I know when to help with cash even when I don’t have much to spare?
That is a tough call right there Kathy because if she is already in treatment then you have to have hope that she is in it for a real change this time.
On the other hand, you should not be made to sacrifice yourself for her. That is not right and you should not feel like you are expected to do that. If she has truly surrendered to her disease and is determined to follow through with her recovery, then she will find a way even if she is discharged from that facility.
Now being discharged from long term treatment is a pretty good excuse to go relapse, but it is still an excuse. It is not up to you to save the world, you can only do what you can and it sounds like you will seriously short yourself if you put up the money.
It takes time to get a job….I would have a tendency to make her find her own path on this one instead of throwing your money at it. She made it to 6 months sober in the past, so you should not be bothering with sacrificing your own money just to get her to 2 weeks of sobriety. Just my 2 cents of course, but if you have to bend over backwards to keep her sober and it’s only been 2 weeks so far, you are in for a long, long road.
Good luck with whatever you decide…
I started dateing this guy in july after meetng him 2 years earlier at a party. We broke up but have still been casual dating. He got arrested a couple of months ago for a DUI. Even though we both drank and party alot I know he needs help and he has come to realize that after having to serve jail time and loosing his liscens. So my question is how do i go about helping him with recovery without over stepping boundries and pushing him away from what we have going on?
Due to some unique cirumstances my husband and I have opened our home to those trying to leave the world of addiction both alcohol and drugs behind. We are very stern in who can live here - they must be 3-6 months sober, come with references (character) that we check and need to supply their own food. We don’t bother insisting on RENT as more often than not they are destitute, they often come with legal problems and we encourage them to clear these up. We offer no counseling as they are to be involved in rehab programs and they are to clean up after themselves, help with household chores and more or less act like an adult. No vulgar language, no falling off any type of wagon and no disrespect to anyone in the house are the only rules. Because neither of us has ever had any addiction we feel we have offered a safe haven but are not experienced in advising these individuals. Our problem is how do we set boundaries that will help our houseguests move forward and yet not make them feel like they are being ‘talked down to’. Every conversation we try regarding finances, communication with family or simple household responsibilities ends up in us feeling guilty. Your comments are appreciated.
@ Quartermain - well you have to decide about your OWN boundaries first. What is acceptable to you? If he continues to drink to excess do you really want to be in a serious long term relationship with that? If not then you need to communicate this boundary to him in plain and simple terms. Not as a threat but simply as your course of action. Give him time to choose his own path and if it is meant to be then he will make the decision.
If not, then walking away from the relationship might be what he needs to “see the light.” That might be the catalyst of change and things might come around again some day off in the future, you never know….
@ Renae - that is a very interesting situation you are in and I believe that is exactly how Hazelden got started in Minnesota if I am not mistaken. It sounds like you are running it as a long term treatment center similar to a halfway house.
I personally lived in a long term treatment center and so I experienced strict rules and strict enforcement of those rules. You don’t have to talk down to anyone but you should establish a baseline of respect and clearly lay out the standards. If people are offended by the rules and your expectations of them then they are not cut out for living there and should leave. This attitude will become more powerful over time as you bring the addicts themselves into it. Have them help you screen new admissions and tell them that you need them to help you find out if the new potential admits are serious about their recovery. Are they willing to go to any lengths? Are they willing to live by a strict set of rules and help out around the house on a daily basis?
Small conflicts should be expected but let them know that there are procedures for dealing with them and everyone is expected to work through their differences with maturity and respect. If they fail to do this then they will be forced to leave, plain and simple.
Rule number one is to maintain an environment that is conducive to recovery and growth. If you decide that someone is violating that, they have to go.
It is possible to bring the houseguests themselves into this process and even have a voting system to help with accountability. If someone is slacking off or acting out, let the peers call them out on it. Shape up or leave. Bring everyone into this “policing” process.
Just my 2 cents based on my 20 months living in long term with 12 guys and one therapist…..
my boyfriend jerry is aalcoholic he yells and snaps every day to the point where i can,t it any more . been with him13 years love him every much. can,t live with any more.don;t know what to do with all this any.
Sounds like a tough situation there Christi, not sure what to tell you other than to encourage treatment and consider attending some Al-Anon meetings for support. 13 years is a long time so it is silly to tell you just to walk away. Sometimes people do change so there is always hope. But you have to look out for yourself first in some cases, getting to Al-anon can give you guidance in that area. Good luck…
I’ve been going out with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. When we first met I realised he drank alot but I thought that was us just having fun in a new relationship. I moved in with him about 4 months ago, where I relaised just how serious it truelly was. He drinks almost every night. What I can’t understand is that he has a very senior job and manages to do it well. I am still unsure about how serious his problem is because he is very good at making me feel like I am paranoid and he has it under control. Last night he consumed about 3 bottles of wine, the first one was behind my back before i got home but i knew he’d had it because he becomes “happier” when he has had a few drinks. Today we had an argument about it yet again and he assured me he won’t ever drink again because he’s over it as well. I’ve heard this many times before but still find myself somehow believing him! Usually after an argument he goes 1 or 2 days without any alcohol, then brings home 1 bottle, the next night its 2… and it gets more and more until we have an argument again. There have been numerous occasions where he has been in public and made a fool of himself, he even split his head open at a work function late last year but that still didn’t flick the switch. After speaking with his sister I discovered his mum was a severe alcoholic, drinking from dawn till dusk, hospitalised many times.. but he can’t talk about it with me. I have threatened many times to move out but I feel like im giving up if I do.. and i feel like I should be with him to make sure he doesn’t do anything stupid. When I say he needs help he says he doesn’t… he will admit he is out of control but thinks he can quit cold turkey.
I have tried the detachment thing in the past but i find he sees it as my acceptance and continues to do it.
My dad was an alcoholic of an evening as well and growing up in that environment was horrible and i dont want that life for myself or future children I may have.
Should I move out if it happens one more time? How can I get him to go and see someone to address his problems.
A mom on my daughter soccer team is an alcoholic… we always knew she like to drink but wasn’t to recently learned that she pretty much drinks ALL THE TIME. Last week, we noticed her sneaking drinks from her car during practice at 10 in the morning and this week she was reach bottom and put out a cry for help. She wants to stop drinking. Her house is really unlivable by most standards (no PGE, dirty etc.) A few of us are trying to help and we took her to an AA meeting yesterday. However, I have to be honest, having no experience on this subject, I dont know what else we can do. Who do we call, what do we do with her kids? She is a single mom and really NO money. She does have insurance. Of course, we want to sensitive to her daughter who has been living with this for god no how long. Appreciate any advice.
@ Celia - it sounds like you know the basics of alcoholism and the family dynamics involved. He will either quit for himself or he will continue to drink. What he will not do is to quit drinking just because you beg him to…or threaten to leave over it.
This is unfortunate and so the choice will be yours ultimately. Perhaps you can leave the door open somehow if you decide to walk away from the relationship. But I think you will have to choose eventually, and make up your mind if you want to go your own path and part ways. Or you might decide to accept him how he is and stay.
But I would not recommend the false hope thing, and just clinging to the idea that someday might be different. I would set a firm boundary and then stick to it. If it is not his time to change then this should be obvious soon enough. How long are you willing to live this way with his drinking? Another 5 years? Another 10 years? Set a firm boundary and stick to it.
@ Heather - Sounds like you did well by getting her to a meeting. The next step might be to get her into treatment if you don’t see any improvement. If she has insurance (or even if she doesn’t) then this could be a good route to go possibly. Good luck with it all….
MY FATHER DIED FROM CIRRHOSIS (ALCOHOLISM) AND A BEST FRIEND WHO DIED FROM A DRUG ADDICTION. MY BROTHER, WHO IS ALIVE, IS AN EXTREME ALCOHOLIC AND JUST SURVIVED A BRAIN ANEURYSM RUPTURE AND HAD TO HAVE MAJOR BRAIN SURGERY. HE HAS CONTINUED TO DRINK AND TAKE HIGH DOSES OF PAIN PILLS. I HAVE COMPLETELY DETACHED MYSELF FROM HIS DISEASE, WHICH UNFORTUNATELY MEANS I DETACHED MYSELF FROM HIM, TOO. THE BEST ADVICE I HAVE RECEIVED IS TO REMEMBER THE THREE C’s:
can’t CHANGE it!!!
didn’t CAUSE it!!!
can’t CURE IT!!!
I HOPE THAT SOME OF YOU WHO ARE READING THIS WILL REALIZE THAT IT TAKES EXTREME INNER STRENGTH TO DETACH YOURSELF, BUT IN THE END, YOU ARE A BETTER PERSON FOR IT… A SANE PERSON!
IF YOU FOCUS ON WHAT COULD HAPPEN, YOU WILL DRIVE YOURSELF CRAZY… FOCUS ON THE HERE AND NOW. REMEMBER, YOU CAN’T HELP SOMEBODY ELSE IF YOU CAN’T EVEN HELP YOURSELF!
GOOD LUCK TO ALL OF YOU!!!!
@ ANONYMOUS - Whoa there, that is quite a message you got there! But I agree with your ideas and I feel for you that you have been through so much turmoil. The 3 C’s sound like good advice….thanks for your comment.
I need help on how to have my brother committed for help. He is somewhat homeless. He stays on my dad’s porch. My dad locks him out. My dad is 85 years old and doesn’t need my alcoholic brother over there. My dad has told him he needs to go somewhere else but he doesn’t. My brother is 57 years old. He got drunk last week and fell and split his head open and had to have stitches. It was a battle to even get him to the hospital. He has fallen in my dad’s front yard drunk for everyone to see him. Today he fell again in my dad’s front yard and someone stopped to see if everything was okay and if he needed help. My dad nor I have the money to get him help. How can I get the state to help commit him for help before he kills himself. Please help!!
Anyone have any suggestions for Linda? My state does not allow committing for substance abuse so I know very little about it.
Beyond that, Linda, you might get creative and see if there are any recovering alcoholics who would be willing to talk with your brother. This can be arranged when someone is recovering from a bad bender and might be slightly more open to new ideas at that time. Just a thought, I know it will be tough for you to find people who are willing to do that….
okay my dad has a big problem with drinking and when i talk to him about it he gets madder and mader and i tell him i dont want to cause a fight i just want you to think of what your doing to the family but he wont understand so i basically gave up on him but i want to help him but we cant afford to send him away for treatment.I also called his parents to see if they will talk to him but they refuse because they think they will lose a son in the process and that really gets to me because its there son and they arent doing anything about it.so what should i do?
Hi there Danielle
Well you are essentially powerless over your dad’s drinking and it sounds like his parents have accepted this fact. There are organizations that can help you deal with this, one of which is Ala-teen. Ask a counselor, a teacher, or anyone who you trust to see if they can hook you up with Ala-teen somehow. You will get a lot of support there and maybe even a few answers to your problems. Good luck.
I need help for my father, he is a heavy drinker and is in complete denial. He scares me because everytime I vist him he goes out for hours doing god knows what. Then he comes back and passes out on the floor. I am afriad if he doesn’t change he could end up dying!
Hi I have been married to For 20 years.
My wife has always been a heavy drinker.I have known for years that she is an alcoholic and in the past we have argued about this with her denyiny she has a problem.Things came to a head when I discovered she has moved on from wine to vodka and drinks this secretly almost every night.She has a good job and holds it down, in every way she is a great wife, works hard looks after the house and her appearance, she is never abusive when drunk, she is normal in every way exept for the compulsion to drink. Finaly after many years she recently admited she had a problem and went for couceling, this seemd to have no effect, after getting drunk one nite at home and being sick etc I moved out, after about a week she agreed to go to AA and I moved back in.This worked for about 2 months but for the last 4 months she has been back on the vodka, she stoped going to AA some time ago. I am just so tired of worrying about this situation.Last night I said her that drinking was going to kill her one day and she agreed. We no longer argue about it, she knows what she is doing. I have spoken about the situation many times with my family and they are so sick of hearing about it they just tell me to either put up with it or leave.They make me feel weak but if I leave her I will be leaving someone who I know deep down is a good person and who I love and also I will have to give up my home. I am going to al anon on Tuesday. We are not talking at the moment, that is my fault as I had words with her about the drink the other day, she has stoped drinking because of that but I know that as soon as the dust setles she will resume again. Do you think my family are in fact correct?
@ Vincent - That sounds bad….the best you can do I think is to confront him head on when he is sober and encourage treatment. Doing so while he is drunk won’t help much obviously. Catch him in a rare sober moment and try to urge him to get help.
@ David - That is a tough situation David and I do not think your family is either “right” or “wrong,” but perhaps you will have to make a decision at some point. They will help you to see this in Al-Anon. Your family is really saying “either accept her as she is or move on.”
You are not weak if you accept her and stay, as long as you do not have any illusions about it. Don’t cling to false hope that she will change tomorrow. Perhaps she will change, but that is besides the point. You have to decide every day if you can live with her behavior. Good choice about going to Al-Anon…..
Hi -
I recently uprooted my life and left my partner who is an alcoholic, although doesn’t admit it. He knows he drinks too much but doesn’t call it what it is - alcoholism. He wants to quit drinking, he knows it affects him. We’ve been working things out and I truly believe he is trying to change. Yesterday was his first day not drinking. He’s doing it all by himself, just quitting cold turkey - both drinking and smoking. My question is - what do I do to help him? I want to encourage him, but I don’t want to be in his face about it, reminding him. But I don’t want to not recognize what he is doing. What should I do?
Hi there Jennifer
Well, as you know by now it is a “show me don’t tell me” kind of thing. He needs to stay sober and make some changes in his life and this will require big action on his part. If the can not deliver on this then it will be all too obvious. As far as you helping him, I think you can be realistic and supportive without being overbearing about it. You could always go to an Al-Anon meeting yourself and maybe get a better idea of what you should and should not say to him in different circumstances.
My thought is gentle encouragement + not getting your hopes too high or inflated is the best way to go….
Hello.
My brother is thirty years old and has a son who is 9 1/2. When he drinks, he becomes very violent. He has been beaten up by other men approximately three times in like 5 years. The last time he was beaten severely bad, the guys who did it left him for dead. He went back to drinking maybe two months after that. My nephew has actually seen his father get beat up by another guy. It is haunting my nephew so much that the school has gotten involved. My nephew is with my brother, so he suffers right along with him. We (my mom and I) do not know what to do or what direction to go. My brother always says that if the State takes his son, he will kill himself. How do help my nephew and my brother? It seems unfair to have to chose between the two?
SO brokenhearted.
What do you do when you have a couple who have admitted their problem. And have isolated themselves from friends and family, but yet continue to feed their affliction off of one another.
UPDATE: Answer for this comment is right here.
Hello, At age 24 my son was hospitalized due to severe pancreatitis due to alcohol. He spent 2 months in intensive care and almost died. After being released from the hospital I discovered he was drinking, even with drains still in his stomach. 3 years later he completed an inpatient 30 day rehab. When he returned he relapsed after 3 days. He has lost his apartment and almost lost his job. We are providing him a place to stay till he gets back on his feet. When he gets caught drinking he says no one understands or doing the right thing for him. He also gets very angry. We took his car keys and drove him to work for awhile. he wants to be trusted again but does nothing to prove that he can. I am afraid he is going to die if he keeps this up. It has changed his whole personality. He doesn’t follow through with any of the things they told him to do after rehab. This has been hell for the last 3 years.
@ Jubilee - That sounds like a bad situation and I’m not sure there is a lot you can do. If someone is self destructing and threatening suicide like that then sometimes all you can do is encourage them to get help. I don’t think you should try to manipulate him in any way or it will create resentment, etc. I know in some states you can commit someone for this sort of situation but I doubt that is the best move. I would just encourage help in any way I could. That is a tough situation….
@ Jane - I know where you are at because I used to be in your son’s position of not following up after treatment. It took me several tries to make it stick and I finally quit around his age at 25. There is hope. I would slowly start removing your trust until he earns it back. Get to an Al-Anon meeting and they will say the same thing…start setting limits and boundaries and don’t allow him to take advantage of your while further harming himself….
My brother is an alcoholic. Spent 9 years in jail for vehicular homicide (drunk driving, hit, killed and left the scene) I flew in from my home to visit him in jail once a month. Even changed my wedding date so he would be there. I have since learned to not enable and I believe that I have been successful with that. Here lies my concern. His neighbors have called me reporteing that they have seen him “washing” a car while drinking. He still does not have a drivers license nor insurance (he lives with my parents who are away for the winter). There are many young fearless children on the block. My concern is obvious, that he will be drunk and drive and hit again. What do you suggest I do? Do I ask if it is his? Do I have a police friend show up and question him for a drivers license? Do I disengage the car so it is no longer usable? He is no longer on parole so that is not an option. Please help! Thanks.
My husband is an alcoholic & he can drink for days without stopping and not sleeping & he’s not paying the bills until the last minute & some don’t get payed at all ,,,,&&& he has no respect for me ,when he’s drinking so how can i stay calm & try to talk to him to get help ..Because when i do try to talk to him it’s in the morning but he’s always telling me his famous phrase ,,i don’t feel goog this morning don’t start again this morning let me read my paper but i am at the end of my rope and i’m about to trow the towel because we are going to lose a lot ,our relationship ,our family and house & fishing boat & gear ,,we are almost there …please HELP
My wife has finally admitted she is an alcoholic and wants help.What is the first step I should take as i don’t know where to start.
@ Meghan - I don’t know how aggressive I would get in terms of trying to prevent his driving. Obviously if he has been drinking and he is threatening to drive that is one thing, but it sounds like you are not right there to witness any of this. I think you can express your concerns and offer to get him help but I don’t think you should manipulate him like you are suggesting. This usually creates more resentment, etc. Encourage treatment and be honest about your concerns….
@ Lynne - Sometimes you have to make a decision. I’m not sure what you can do but what if you left for a while and stayed somewhere else? This is an example of setting a boundary if you do it when he gets loaded. It might upset the routine enough to wake him up a bit.
@ Rod - See my other articles about helping addicts and alcoholics…check the archives page, etc. I have written a ton on this already. I would get on the phone though and call a local treatment center, ask them your options and ask them for a list of numbers or even just the names of surrounding treatment centers in your area. Get on the phone and ask questions, explore your options for rehab/treatment. That’s a good starting point.
I have read and read these articles.
I cannot live anymore with an alcoholic.
I had no idea that he was an alcoholic.
I want to leave him but I feel so guilty. Even knowing that it is a disease which there is no cure. It is so said because he stopped for 5 months and told me it has been the most miserable time of his entire life. There is just no hope. I believe it would be best for me to just leave.
Please help me/
Alcohol, you vicious bitch you took my friend from me. I miss my friend of sixteen years,I have watched him deteriorate for the last three years.I helped with an intervention last month that almost caused me to have a nervous breakdown. I understand what you mean to detach yourself from the person in order to save yourself, and hopefully forced the alcoholic into self awareness. Alcoholism is a selfish disease, they only see themselves and not the harm they cause people who care about them. I am taking a hard line against the alcohol,I miss my best friend, but he is not the same person I loved. Maybe he will find his way this time to make his way back. We are all praing for him.Thank you for your webpage it gave me some knowledge and some peace.
hi there i have a brother that drinks sometimes from sun up to sun down. some times he is so out of it he can’t even here the phone ring. he has told me when he has been drinking that i’m a trouble maker. i dont think he would have said that to me if he hadent been drinking. he has lost his drivers lic because of his drinking, if he gets it back ever and gets cought he will go to jail. i tryed to tell him that he has things to live for. what can i do as a sister to help him with out him gettin mad at me forever.
@ Jim’s friend - Sorry to hear that your friend is struggling. No, it’s not fair to you or to others. But the alcoholic feels trapped (at least I did) and even though I knew I was hurting my loved ones I could not figure out a way to stop on my own.
@ Stacy - Sounds like he might resent you a bit no matter what you do, especially if he is miserable from the drinking. I would try to somehow encourage treatment and see if you can’t get others to help you encourage it as well. He will probably see that as being threatening to him but what else can you do? You have to let him know that you care and want to see him get better somehow. He might take offense to this but that is out of your hands.
I need help sooo bad. Im a thirteen year-old, and I just moved away from my mother because of a drug/alcohol problem that she had. I’m currently living with my single father, and up until a year ago, things were going great. Then he started drinking ALOT more. The problem is hes a mean drunk, and if you say anything wrong, or lose somthing, just any little thing will set him off. He would never do anything to harm me physically, but his words burn. He just gets plain hatefull. Ive been thinking about moving, but when I think about leaving him, I think about leaving the real him, and it tears my heart & soul up. If I move, I sure as hell am not going back with my mother, and I’m worried if I leave, ill be put in a foster home. Of course, Ive got family that will always be there to raise me, but im worried about the parental rights and custody thing. I just dont want to tear up my relationshhip with my dad - because hes my best friend. Im wiping my eyes just typing this. Please E-mail me back. I just really need some advice. PLEASE HELP ME. =’[
Hi there Cayla
13 is very young to be asking advice on the internet. I hope you can find other people around you who can help you. Safe adults who do not drink. School counselors, a minister, a friend of the family, etc.
It sounds to me like your father is dangerous and abusive. Verbal abuse is still abuse. So maybe he does not actually hit you. That is besides the point. If he is verbally abusing you then that is still a bad situation for you.
You say your dad is your friend and you don’t want to lose that. What if you left for a while….perhaps that would open his eyes a bit? Show him that he can have his relationship with his daughter back if he were to sober up? Something to think about.
I will tell you this: people like your dad, if they keep drinking….they generally get worse….not better. His only chance at changing his life is to quit entirely. If he continues to drink and you stick around then eventually he will probably hit you.
My advice for you is to seek help. Professional help. Ask about it at school if you have to. Call a national teen abuse hotline if you have to. But please, ask for help.
Good luck to you and God bless……
I am 6 months pregnant, and the father of my child is my ex boyfriend. I got pregnant after we broke up. He is very excited about the baby and can’t wait to be a dad, however he does have a problem with drinking and this scares me…. and it has recently just gotten out of hand. He is not an angry drunk at all, but he just drinks to much. I want us to be together but he pulls away from the idea right now, its like we are together but we are not. I fear alcohol may have a huge roll in this but im not sure?! I dont no what to do or what to say anymore. I told him iw ould help him with whatever he needs, and he did admit he does haev a problem and wants to stop drinking. but he has said that before, and im afraid he’lls top for a while, but start right back up again. I dont want this to affect our relationship but im scared it will. Help??!!
I have recently started dating an alcoholic. I didn’t notice at first, or perhaps I didn’t mind. Now some time has gone by and we both care about each other, so I truly just want him to be his happy sober self.
First of all, we reside in Europe, and I am a bit confused about treatment options over here, any ideas? Or links?
Second, he “kindda” admits he has a problem, but he claims he “doesn’t drink that much”, although at least 5 days out of the week he downs a six pack of beer, just to start. Normally it’s more.
Once he got verbally abusive when drunk, and I stopped him firm in his tracks, kicked him out of my house. When sober I talked to him about him and made it clear that I would not stand this behaviour. It hasn’t happened since. The latest “big incident” was him falling off his bicycle drunk and passing out on a street. Obviously there IS a serious problem present.
I also wanted to know that if by “going out for a couple of drinks” with him, am I enabling his behaviour. We are both in our 20’s and students, so it’s common to go out for drinks. Should I concentrate more on spending time with him doing “sober” activities/ showing him how fun it can be to be sober too? I am trying of course, but I know I can’t push him into recovery (although I already drop hints). I thought that perhaps a straight out switch to ONLY non-alcohol related activities would be too obvious, and I don’t want to intimidate him. Keep in mind that in Europe it’s very normal to have a beer here and there, wine/beer with our meals, etc.
Should I stop drinking too? Could that help? I’ve noticed that he drinks very little (for him that’s about 6 beers a day) when he’s with me. I can’t make my presence constant and of course I don’t want him to depend on me for his “drinking less”.
Last, any advice on what I can do to “help” to perhaps lead him to the path to recovery? I’d appreciate any tips. Thank you!
@ Renee - It sounds like the two of you want to make things work. If he is drinking actively then that is definitely a major part of his behavior and how he acts towards you. I think you are going to have to deal with the alcoholism if you choose to stay with him. It might be an up and down road for a while. It takes time to get sober for some people. You would think that having a child would be a huge wake up call but this is not always the case. Good luck to you at any rate.
@ Cristina - Yes there is a big culture difference there because here in U.S. I would recommend that you never drink around him, as that seems to me that it is enabling. At least that is how I took it when I was still actively drinking. So I really think you should consider not drinking around him, even if that is a bit awkward according to your social norms.
You are right, a six pack is way too much. Anything over 2 beers is suspect in my book.
It sounds to me like he still has quite a bit of control, but that he is slowly starting to drink more and more. Sounds like things will get worse before they get better. I would investigate your local treatment options and try to learn more….sorry I don’t have any links or resources for Europe…..
Hello,
Just found this site while looking for help in a new relationship with an alcoholic. I appreciate all these posts left to read and the sound advice being shared within. I live in Canada and am just getting involved with a fellow I have known on and off through work for years. I have watched him go through a messy divorce (he is only in his early 30’s) and he’s told me about his past cocaine abuse, overdose and rehab visits, so I don’t go into this blindfolded. I am a VERY healthy person, don’t drink, am very active and live a very conscious and holistic lifestyle as this helps me cope with my own depression, so I am also empathetic to diseases…
The thing is, he thinks he just ‘likes drinking beers” when that means 20, at home, alone until he passes out and can’t answer the door or phone.
I am not a nagging type and won’t be made into a babysitter. I know how to detach and I do not like AA’s approach to the disease. (Sorry, no disrespect) Is there tried and tested way to really let them know you will not put up with it, set hard boundaries, without having it be interpreted as a threat? He seems to make everything black and white. When I express disappointment, he says I am “angry” even though I am calm and kind when expressing it. I care so much about him and want to do the right thing to carry us through this and find ourselves on the other side of this. Thanks again.
L.
Hi,
My sister is 42 years old, divorced, with a 5 year old daughter. She is on wellfare & works part-time under the table. She has been an addict since she was 15 years old. She was the first person who allowed me to smoke pot with when I was around 10 years old. She almost always looks & acts hung over. I know when she goes on binges because I know the bartender at the bar she goes to. He tells me everything. She drives drunk with her little girl. She had her car taken away from her by the police for driving drunk. (the officer enabled her by NOT arresting her) She pawns her daughter off on anyone who is willing to watch her. We recently had a shower for my other sister & My alcoholic sister arrived 1 hour late looking like she was hung over. I have HAD IT! I am the Only sibiling out of 4 who is involved in her life. Our Mother chooses to avoid her. I love her but HATE her addiction. I am tired of watching it self distruct her. I know she feels like an outcast at family gatherings. She doesn’t take care of herself & it shows in her appearence. Her disease is making her OLD. I want her to have a good life & be happy. She is envious of me & my happiness. I want to write her a letter & tell her that I know she is an addict & I want to get her help. Am I over stepping my boundaries? Should I even bother with the letter?
Please Help?
Hi,
I guess my husband is what you call a functioning alcoholic. He has his own business but manages to make it through each day. Things were much worse last fall and he actually went to detox for a week. This is when I really realized this was a major problem. I had no idea he was hiding alcohol around the house He was clean for two weeks then slowly began drinking again. We have a six year old and a three month old. We’ve been married for almost seven years and his drinking only became a problem about three years ago. It was off and on, depending on where he was working and who he was around. He would’t drink for afew months then he would for a few.I understand that this is a disease. but it is a messed up one. Any other disease a person has they want it fixed so they can live thier life to the fullest, but not alcoholism. Or do they? I am struggling with “being there” and being supportive when I need him to help raise the family he made. He has issues from his childhood and had an alcoholic father. I understand that we are not to enable them, but how do you tell a six year old that Daddy is drunk and can’t play or take you out. That Daddy is too hung over to go for a walk? I know it is covering for him but what else can I do?. It feels like I am stuck. If it was only him and I, I think would be able to manage better. At this point I am finding myself getting angry about the situation more and more, instead of being supportive. My son has seen us fight nd yell and scream. Never in a thousand years did I ever think this is what our life would turn out like. I realize now that the fighting is just as much my fault as his, I should not have reacted to his drinking. I feel horrible that we’ve brought another child into this situation. I Love my husband and just want to see him happy and healthy. I love my children and want to see them happy and healthy. I just do not know how to get that place. He would go back to detox If I pushed him, but he would only be going to please me. Would it even help him? I just want to do the best for everyone in my family, but I don’t know what to do. I know that this is a disease and every thing you read about it has the line “would you leave someone with a disease”? But when is it too much? At what point do children have lasting effects from this type of situation? What is my best bet at getting my husband help. He truly is a wonderful man, without the alcohol. I only want to see him happy again. I hate that I am becoming angry with him and resentful. Is there any advice you can give?
I am currently with someone who is an alcholic. I love him dearly. However is addiction is becoming a set back for me. He is unemployed and is always looking for me to support his addiction and give him the pity party he begs for. We live together in apartment in which I am forced to pay all the bills by myself. Ever since we moved out of his mother’s house and started living on our own, he’s expressed a great desire to want to be there for me and wanting to change and be a better man, yet everytime he faces the reality that he doesn’t have a job he feels as if he is limited and there is no way he can come out of his situation of not being able to find a job. He always feels as if there is nowhere for him to go or anything for him to do. I, myself am getting frustrated with his problems, yet want to help him anyway possible so that we, as a couple, can go on and elevate our relationship.
Iv just discoverd my ex is an alcoholic, hes been getting help from the doctor, but i dont think hes sticking to the plan as i found an empty vodka bottle on him. He also lies alot about how much hes had to drink. I said i will help him and i wont judge him and he did open up and become more honest but i dont think he tells me everything which is fustraiting. Im hoping your infomation will help, but its so sad and hard to see him like he is. He has a good job at the moment and i dont want to see him loose it. My grandad died aged 50 from being an alcohlic, im so scared that my ex will go down the same path. Do the majority of alcoholics over come their addiction?
This is a very helpful article. Thank you. My only question is, can a recovering alcoholic limit their drinking to social activities? My belief is that they need to quit entirely.
My mom seems to think that she (with the help of her husband) has successfully transitioned herself from a light to moderate alcoholic to a “social drinker”. Thanks again.
How can I detach myself, when the alcoholic is my mother? My fiance is currently in bootcamp, so my son and I are staying with my parents. My mom watches my son for me and lets me borrow her car while I am at work. I pay her $100 every two weeks for rent, and for watching my son. How do I detatch myself from a situation like this?
How do I not give her the money, when she is basically supporting me and my son right now? When she is drunk she will verbally abuse me a lot. Do I just ignore it, or do I stick up for myself? If I say something back to her, then she throws up to me that I am living under her roof, using her car, and that she baby sits my son.
Also, should I completely ignore her when she is drunk? If I do that I will have the above thrown in my face as well.
Thanks for the help in advance.
My mother is an alcoholic of 20+ years. She was sober for a period of about 6 years but relapsed about 8 years ago. She has made many attempts at recovery since then including detox, rehab centers, AA meetings, pretty much everything possible. This past Sunday, the 24th, she made the decision to stop drinking again. Yesterday, the 27th, we had to take her to the hospital at 6a.m. because the withdrawl symptoms were too bad, she needed medical treatment. She stayed there over night and I stayed with her and she is still there now. How can I help her be successful this time? I practice detachment and am being as supportive as I possibly can be.
Also, I know its probably the withdrawls, but last night when I was in the hospital with her she was very angry and saying that we are a horrible family and she will never forgive us for this. We did not force her to go to the hospital. She packed her own bag to go and was in a normal state of mind when we got there and was fine with it. But as the day went on the hallucinations started and thats when she started getting angry. How can I deal with this and help her when her mind is being affected by the hallucinations?
And lastly, she keeps saying that this time she wants to do it “her way”. She says she has tried everyone elses way and it doesnt work so this time she wants to do it on her own. Basically meaning she wants to stop drinking cold turkey and probably not attend any meetings. Is it even possible for this to work? And if so, what is the best way for me to help her be successful?
My mom is an amazing woman and I dont want to lose her. Please help me. Thank you.
Hi,
I am the enabler of my husband who has been an alcoholic for as long as I have known him. In the beginning, I didn’t give it much thought because we both drank socially and it usually was on the weekends. He used to bring home a six pack and maybe drink 3 of them, but now he is drinking around 20 beers a day. I had no idea he drank that much, but apparently he gets up during the night and drinks while me and our daughters are sleeping. He cannot sleep a normal nights sleep and cannot function without drinking when he gets up. He cannot work or be around his clients without getting the shakes if he doesn’t have a few beers first. Right now, he is unemployed and has been home all day depressed. He blames his condition on what’s happening in the world and obsesses about conspiracies within our government. A friend got into the 911 theories and he has gone down-hill ever since. He used to be able to function, but now he simply cannot. He wants me to help him dry out and doesn’t want to get help with the withdrawals. I FEAR THIS WILL KILL HIM!!!! I don’t know what to do, I want to help him but I don’t want him to have a heart attack or seizures during the process. He has also made scary comments about what he’ll do once he quits drinking. I don’t know if it’s the alcohol talking or if he would actually follow through with his threats. A year ago, he received another dwi and was supposed to attend his classes. He attended a few and had enough time to attend them all, but just didn’t do it. Now he has lost his driving priveleges and is unemployed and depressed. I fear everyday that when I get home from work, I may find that he has hurt himself. I pray everyday for God to watch over him and to touch his heart. He used to beleive in God, but that’s something else that has changed. He and his Conspiracy theory friend took the time to read the Bible and other versions of it, from cover to cover. They read it to try and dispute it’s accuracy and not to gain spiritualy from it. This hind of hinders any 12 step program that I know of. It’s hard to convince someone that he can do all things through him, when they don’t believe. I beleive, because like I said, I’ve prayed almost every morning this week and today he announced to me that he wants to dry out. At least he is admitting he has a serious problem, but he doesn’t beleive he needs anyone but me to help him. What should I do? I want him to try, but I feel like he drinks way too much to do it cold turkey like he’s wanting to. He doesn’t want to talk to anyone about this but me. He does not respect any authority or anything that is spiritual. Please help me to help him. He has so much to live for but, has no joy in his life. I want my husband back and my girls want their Daddy back. I read what you said about detachment, but I don’t know if I’ve been doing it correctly. It feels more like abandonment because he is always drinking and we are constantly doing things without him. I’ve spent years going on beer runs and telling the girls when he’s in a bad mood. The friends they have over, have to know him and be ok with his drinking, so the girls are affected. He has stopped attending family functions and I cannot depend on him to help drive the girls somewhere. It has just been easier to depend on other people or just arrange my schedule where I can do it all. I know this isn’t my problem. I understand that he has to want to quit and no amount of nagging or threatening will make him, believe me I’ve tried it all. I have been an enabler to his condition for over 15 years. I need some advice on helping him dry out and to be a better wife of an alcoholic. I NEED HELP! I mentioned going to a treatment center, but he refuses. What should I do?
my son is an alcoholic. He is 30 yrs. old. He has been in treatment 2 times and relapsed a week after getting home. He has lost relationships, jobs, been in jail, had 3 DUI’s,can not drive for 10 years and still will not surrender. He believes he can do this himself. He wore a monitoring device for 6 months to detect alcohol, was required by law to go to AA 5 days a week, live at home, if he violated he was looking at 1 year of jail. He was sober the entire time and did nothing but complain about the AA meetings. After 1 week of the bracelet coming off he was drinking again. He continually says he doesn’t need AA, he can do this himself. Clearly he’s not doing it though. Last week he lost his job again, due to smelling of alcohol. I have become increasing depressed watching my son destroy himself. The therapist told us yesturday that until he surrenders he will never recover. I was told i needed to start taking care of me. I am trying but its so hard trying to understand why a person can loose so much, have nothing good in ones life and not ask for the help they need. I still want to be able to figure out some way of getting him to see what he needs to do. And then again, what does a person do if they are unable to afford a treatment facility yet again. Our finances have been depleted by so much of this.
My mom has been an alcoholic since the day I was born. I’m 30 years old now. She is a wonderful person and raised me well. The wierd thing is, is that she still keeps the house in tip top shape. The house is clean, clothes are washed, dinner is made, etc, etc. She hasn’t worked for 30+ years and my dad is the supporter. My Dad, sister, and I have watched her hide drinks, stash money to buy more. When my Dad is at work, she’ll get up right after he leaves early in the morning and stock the freezer and then hide drinks so he doesn’t see them. My Dad has yelled at her so many times to ease up on the drinking and she doesn’t. She is so embarrasing at family functions and in public. She’ll say inappropriate things all the time. She can’t go a day or minute without drinking and I’m scared for her. Her doctor has already suspected liver damage. She hardly ever eats and is very thin. She’s had several injuries as a result of her drinking. One of the worst was when my sister woke up in the middle of the night and found her semi conscious on the kitchen floor unable to help herself up. When my sister woke up my Dad to help get her up, they noticed a huge knot on her forehead. The worst incident is when she broke both wrists. She woke up one morning in tremendous pain. Till this day she swears, an evil spirit did that to her. I know in my heart she probably fell while so drunk and didn’t even remember falling. She’s 54 and I’m afraid she’s slowly killing herself. I’m 5 months pregnant with her first grandchild and I don’t know what to do about exposing my future daughter to her. I love my Mom very much and feel helpless!! I don’t want to lose her but I don’t know what to do. Please help!
I hav just read Anita’s comment. My wife is an alcoholic, it has been getting worse over the years. last week she drank AT LEAST three bottles of vodka. she is still managing to hold down a very good job and fool people that all is normal in our lives , God knows how she manages. I am glad we do not hav any kids, I know that is a terible thing to say. Despite this situation I love Diana I know she cant controll this . It was driving me insane with worry Etc , all the normal things that we go through. I too needed help, and hav posted here once before. I find this site usefull. I hav recently started going to AlAnnon ( for relatives and friends of alchoholics). At first I found it a bit stupid and tried a few diffferent groups in different areas untill I found a group that had people in that I kind of could relate to. You should go at least five or six times when you find such a group even if you dont feel like it at the time or if the situation at home is going through a good phase . Sharing with others is very calming and can help a lot. If the situation is affecting your kids and they are ready for it Alateen could maybee help them. Give it a try , it may help you.
@ Rey - wow that is heartbreaking about your mom, I don’t have the words or the experience to give you much wisdom. Prayers for you both, get to Al-Anon and try to get some support there.
@ Dave - Your advice is sound and I hope Anita will take some direction from you/us. Getting support is important…it is hard because we tend to focus on the fact that our alcoholic spouse or loved one needs help, not us. But if we can help ourselves and get some guidance and direction from real live people, it can start to slowly make a difference in our relationships. This is the key, Anita…you need to learn how to somehow stop enabling him. Make it known that treatment but don’t push. When the time is right he will go. Other than that you must focus on yourself and take care of YOU.
Hi everyone i feel you on everything you are saying I have been married for 3 months and my husband has slowed down a lot with his drinking but yet he still can’t control his drinking at times he hangs out with his friends and get drunk afterwards come home and start arguments in front of the kids and when the morning comes he acts like nothing has happend. Why do me act out when they drink? Why do the verbally abuse when they are drunk?
I have lived with a hidden drinker just about 25 years now “its getting really bad” my son and daughter-in-law and two grandchildren live with us, he is stressed to the limit. He loves the grandchildren ( lives for them). I am asking myself every day, what am I doing? I pray, pray, pray. He doesn’t go to bars he has always been a provider and a good man, but he has lost two of his best friends at 50 and 55, which was good people but they also drank…I ask him all the time, is he going to be 49 this year, if he wants to die young….One died of diabedies and the other of sophagial cancer, he doesn’t get along with his mother much anymore, and my boys can’t understand him, it is like Lizy said he acts out and gets really weird and then in the morning acts as if nothen has happened, I am a really easy person to get along with and I have done this many years, I don’t want my grandchildren watching his anger…What is a person suppost to do? I am ready to set him up, we have policemen in the family! Maybe a couple nights in jail would help, and he has been drinking on his way home from work……
Hi there, i have been with my boyfriend about 7 months now, and although we haven’t been together long I love him dearly. He is quite a bit older then i and i don;t want him to feel like he’s being “controlled” by a young girl. I have 2 children and all i want is a “normal” life. I knew when i got with him that he was a heavy drinker it used to be every night in exxsive amounts, I tryed to break things off with him early on when i found this out because this wasn’t the lifestyle i wanted, but regardless of what i said he wanted to be with me no matter what he had to do. He is after giving up alot to be with me in the way of drugs and alcohol, I find that i make a big deal over him having a few drinks and then the following day he goes out and gets plastered and comes home promising to change and that its not going to happen again.I am pregnant with his child and giving up on him is the last thing i want to do.Everyone in his life has given up on him, and…he has been showing me progress and has the occasional break my problem is i don;t know how to handle the situation when he comes home intoxicated, I don;t want him to think that it’s okay that it will just blow over, but at the same time i don;t want to push him more into it…how do i do both???Im sooo confused!HELP ME PLEASE
A very close friend of mine has a daughter that is an alcoholic and her son suffers a mental problem, both are adults.The daughter is now displaying signs of the same mental disorder.My friend is a member of alanon.She is deeply connected with god.It is said that we are given only what we can handle,but I see a women that is on the brink.I understand the problem but i feel so helpless.I am one not to take the back seat…What if anything can i do to help her
I HAVE BEEN MARRIED TO MY WIFE FOR 13 YEARS.SHE HAS ALWAYS DRANK EVERY SINCE I FIRST MET HER BUT NOT A SLOPPY OR VIOLENT OUT OF CONTROL DRINKER. I TRAVEL ALOT WITH MY WORK AND SHE HAS THE RESPONSIBILITIES AT HOME PAYING THE BILLS,DEALING WITH OUR 3 TEENAGE CHILDREN ETC. ,ETC. SHE HAS FINALLY ADMITTED TO ME SHE HAS A PROBLEM AND WANTS TO STOP..BUT SHE IS I BELIEVE ASHAMED BECAUSE SHE DOESNT WANT TO TELL ANYONE ELSE..I NEED HELP..WE ARE STILL VERY MUCH IN LOVE AND WE WANT TO TACKLE THIS TOGETHER..I AM CURRENTLY OUT OF STATE WORKING AND I AM LOST ON HOW TO HELP HER…PLEASE SOMEONE..I COULD USE SOME VERY HELPFUL ADVICE…
i just wanted to say my sister has been drinking since 12 and still does to this day had to kids 1st at 15 and had family raise them while she went toparty she dont think anythings wrong, shes constanly paranoid about everything.. they like thembetter you treat him better he got more ect ect she hates me daughter cause she thinksmymotherplay favorites so instead of letting us move in to helpsave my mom from moving out nopemy alcoholic sister debbie,says forget it and kicks herownmother out rather then let her disabled brother..come help his mom out.they used to get somad when i told them mom cant drinknomore… then it was i the bad guy then the dr said you have to stop ok dr sounds good.
whats wrong with ppl. i will touch that rotten stuff ever again debbyand her spoiledrotten kid britteny both need rehabs !
they have seperated the whole family
Hi, my husband is a alcoholic, he has always been a ‘heavy’ drinker but has got steadily worse over the last 3 years. We have been together 10 years, I love him dearly but have had enough. He lost is brother suddenly in January and had a blow out and then he actually admitted he had a problem, he works away from home during the week, and actually rang AA and they called him back and asked him to go to a meeting. He didnt go, his reasons were that he just needed to get a grip, stop drinking vodka and spirits and stick to lager. I have been doing a lot of research into what I can do for myself and for him. I have told him that I wont be sticking around much longer if it carries on and he does try to cut down. I am trying to get as much info together as possible and I plan to give him all the information and tools then basically say here what you need to do this is your choice. But the more I read and learn about alcoholism I dont know if I can do it, as the ultimate outcome is we wont be together, and I think this is what im struggaling with. I am scared of what the outcome will be as obviously he isnt just going to stop, and im afraid that he will just say right then im off as he is like that. I love him a lot but only when he hasnt had a drink. We have just come back from holiday to ibiza and he used this opportunity to drink as much as possible, it hurts me so much that he can just have no regard for me as alcohol is so much more important. I just dont know what to do anymore, or do I just have to face up to the fact that we aernt going to be together.
hello my second husband is a recovering alcoholic and addict who was sober for 5 years (5 beutiful years of our lives) but a few months ago he brought home a joint telling me it was for me with the excuse that it is not fair for me to be sober as well when i don t have a problem) my reaction was that i did not agree and that it was an excuse for it was him who wanted to smoke that. He said my reaction was wrong that i should support him thorugh anything yet he promised it was only that one joint, a week later he purchased marihuana and started to lie to me when i confronted him and told him not to lie to me he said he was sorry and that he wouldnt lie anymore that to please love him and support him and not oppose his marihuana use because if i love him i need to let him be and accept his choices and he continued to smoke pot telling me he felt great and could control it. I distance myself became detached from him yet his pot smoking soon became an everyday and then an all day high on pot situation and he eventually told me to live with it accept his pot smoking or he would leave me that my love was conditional to his sobriaty and that was not love … i tried even harder to detach and accept his choice yet i did not engage and became distant and when he was not high asked him to go to his AA meetings which he stopped going to a year ago…he refused and again told me to just love him and let him be …last evening he did not come home from work and last night for the 1st time ever he did not come home to sleep… and i feel devastated hurt disapointed and I don’t know what to do or how to react my children (from my 1st marriage 13 and 16 ) could not sleep last night waiting for him because their father is an active alcoholic and he used to black out and not come home to sleep so last night my children and i have relived with their stepfather something so devastating that has never happened before with him and I just don’t know what to do or how to react he walked in at 11 am did not look or speak at me at all he just went to bed and when he fell a sleep i got close and smelled the strong oder of liquor he has relapsed… i dont know what to do? what do i tell the children?should i end the relationship how do i do so? what should i tell him? how should i speak to him? i love him so dearly but he is a multiple addict pot, alcohol and cocaine! eventhough i have never seen him or been with him while he was consuming before we got together I don’t know were can this lead to… he is extremely smart and sweet… he has been playing these mind games with me…and trying to place the blame on me ….in a very convenient manner…i am so hurt and disapointed and in shock don’t know what to do…please help please give me some advise… of how should i approach this situation words that i can say proper choices to make anything please…
I have fallen in love with a drunk He is wonderful and helpful when hes not drinking but when he is drinking he is mean and hurtful I am now six months pregant I truely thinks he loves me inside but i will not raise my son with the fear and the hurtful words and always letting me down I feel like i got a partime boyfriend he says he want to get help when he is sober but when he is drinking he want to stay drunk forever and nothing matters. we fight and arugue all the time about this and says he wont do it again 3 days later hes drunk before i get home at 5 I really want to help but i dont think i can anymore i dont want to be the enabler should i just leave and wait for him to quit
my 37 year old son has had 3 dui (one in witch he fell asleep at the wheel and have a large scar on his face), just lost his wife of 4 years and she will not even let him see his 1 year old daughter. he spend 2 weeks at cumberland height (after an intervention). all i hear is all the stress he is under. finally he sold his house and is waiting for a loan to go threw on another house. my husband and i let him stay at our house until he moves into his new home. rule was no drinking… first, he was drunk the day he moved in… that was two weeks ago. last night we find out he was drunk and drove to our house after getting into a fight with a friend….
today i want him out of my house to either go to a halfway house or go anywhere else and figure it out..
my heart is broken
Hi,
I have been with my boyfriend for over eight years and we have two kids together, three years old and six months. He is an alcoholic. He has been arrested twice for DUI…and twice he was bailed out. Once by his mother and the other by me.
He doesn’t drink around me or our kids. He mostly drinks alone and denies he has been drinking even when it is obvious. I was in denial for many years and made many excuses for him. But I’ve finally realized that I am part of the problem. He is not violent and he doesn’t argue with me he just ignores me then acts as if nothing is wrong and I let it slide everytime. He has totalled both our cars while drinking and driving and has managed to keep the police out it. His mother calls it luck but his luck keeps him drinking. I cannot deal with this anymore. I don’t want my children to see him this way. I told him he has to get help or he has to leave the house. He hasn’t done either. I haven’t followed through with having him leave because our daughter is very attached to him. He and his mother uses that against me. I don’t want my daughter to suffer but I want him to take the initiative. What can I do to help him and my family?
My husband is an alcoholic. He has been fighting this problem since he was a teenager. He recieved help about three years ago and remained sober for three years. Recentally I have figured out that he is drinking again. He was hiding it and I cought him. Now he is drinking on the way home from work. He isnt drinking on the job. He is a hard worker. When he gets home he passes out. I cant handle this anymore. This is so hard on me and my infant daughter. I am mad at myself and I blame myself for marring him knowing he had a problem, but I thought he was better and I love him so much. He is an amazing person sober. He is an excellent, wonderful,caring husband and amazing father sober. I have tried talking to him and suporting him with any help he want to get. I have offered to go to meeting with him. I tells me how sorry he is and how much he doesnt want to loose me and he want to sto, but he doesnt want help this time. He says he can do it on his own. Three times now he has said he will stop, and lies to me and continues to drink. I really think that he is lieing so much that he believes his own lies. How do I trust him again and know when he is telling the truth? How can I get him help and save our marriage? I am starting to wonder if my only option is to leave him. This would be so hard on me , but i dont know what ealse to do.