Since you’re here, you probably have a friend or loved one who is an alcoholic. And you probably want to know: how do you help an alcoholic in the real world? What can you do that will make a difference? Let’s find out:
First things first: work on changing your behavior, not the alcoholic
It is a hard fact to swallow at first, but the truth of the matter is that you are probably not going to be able to directly change an alcoholic’s behavior. Manipulating or threatening the alcoholic will only drive them deeper into isolation and heavy drinking.
If you try to control another person’s drinking, you are going to experience a loss of control and real powerlessness. Instead, if you focus on changing your own behavior, you will experience full control and an empowering mindset. This is how you go about helping an alcoholic: by focusing on your own behavior and how you choose to interact with the alcoholic….not by focusing on how you can manipulate or change the other person.
Keep reading. I will explain more below about how changing your behavior can help the alcoholic.
How can I convince an alcoholic to quit drinking?
This is a very difficult thing to do, most would say it is downright impossible. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t make a difference in the potential sobriety of a person. Show your support as best you can and let them know that you will support them in any way that you can if they choose to stop drinking.
There are no secret tricks or manipulations when it comes to this stuff. Some people imagine that there might be a way to threaten or coerce an alcoholic into quitting drinking. There definitely is not. If you threaten them, they will simply withdrawal further away from you.
Most, if not all alcoholics, are slowly self destructing, and they know it. Threats mean nothing to someone who is self destructing. You can’t intimidate someone who has nothing to lose. It is simply more fuel for the alcoholic fire.
Trying to shame an alcoholic into sobriety doesn’t work either. If you succeed in shaming them, this will only make them want to drink more because they will truly feel shamed. The alcoholic really is a sick person. Would you shame a disabled person? Of course not.
So basically, there is no way to directly convince an alcoholic to quit drinking.
All efforts to influence an alcoholics behavior are going to be mostly indirect, but this does not make them unimportant. You can influence their behavior and decisions, just not in a very fast or direct manner. More on this below.
How can I help an alcoholic make the decision to go to treatment?
Much like trying to convince someone to quit drinking, this can be a difficult task. But getting someone to agree to treatment is much easier, but at the same time, it is probably not very useful. Here’s why:
Recovering alcoholics who are sober now will talk about a point of surrender that they reached in their drinking. Virtually every one of them that you talk to can pinpoint that moment of surrender, when they finally threw in the towel and stopped fighting against their disease. This is the moment of surrender. This is where recovery starts.
No one knows how to induce this moment. If we did then we would have solved the problem of addiction and recovery. The best we can do is to encourage people towards this moment.
Once someone has reached the point of surrender, anything you do to help them will basically work. Any treatment center you send them to will produce good results. If they have not yet reached the point of surrender, then nothing you do will matter. At all. Nothing you do can overcome a lack of surrender. The alcoholic is still fighting and struggling and trying to control things and it’s just not going to work.
So how can you convince them to go to treatment? Simply offer to take them to treatment. If they’re not interested, then it makes no sense to press them further, because they are not ready. Even if you can somehow manipulate them into it, you are wasting your time. Not ready means not ready. And this has never been more true than when it comes to quitting drinking.
The best we can do is to be prepared to get them into treatment when the moment is right. Have a plan, make some calls, see what is available for alcoholic help. Then when the person has finally surrendered, you will have some options as to where you can take them.
How do you know when they’ve surrendered? When they ask for help. When they are ready to change on your terms, not on their terms. When they throw up their arms and say “I’ll do whatever you tell me to do. Show me how to live,” that is surrender. That is the start of recovery. Anything else on their part is more manipulation (such as “give me money,” or “I promise to go to treatment next week.”).
How can I organize an effective intervention for an alcoholic?
I have already written extensively about interventions, and I have a small bit of experience with them. I still think it is a possible option in some situations, but for the most part I am starting to see more and more evidence that formal interventions are almost never helpful. There is a sliver of hope here, though, because they occasionally do work in guiding an alcoholic towards recovery. But more and more I am seeing that they are never the magic bullet we think they might be; they cannot possibly be an instrument of real change. An intervention can not be the switch that goes off in the alcoholic’s mind that creates real surrender. That switch must be flipped in some other way, unfortunately, and there is seemingly no rhyme or reason to it.
But an intervention still might have benefits, even if it can not force recovery to happen instantly. For one thing, a formal intervention can:
1) Let the alcoholic know that people do care.
2) Show them that help is available (in the form of treatment).
3) Be a step towards their eventual surrender, even if it doesn’t get them clean and sober right now.
So if you are considering an intervention, understand that while the goal of the intervention is probably for the alcoholic to attend a treatment center and never drink again, this is probably an unrealistic expectation and you shouldn’t get your hopes up that high. More likely it is a step on their path to eventual sobriety. It might plant a seed for their awakening later on. Keep this in mind if things don’t go perfectly as planned. How do you help an alcoholic? Not by whacking them with a two by four, unfortunately. It takes gentle nudging in the right direction, and this idea of “planting a seed” is just that type of nudging.
How can I stop enabling an alcoholic?
This is really the core strategy that you need to focus on in your dealings with another alcoholic or addict: do not enable them.
What is enabling?
It’s just what it sounds like. If you enable an alcoholic, you allow them to continue drinking when they otherwise might have had to stop for some reason. But this gets tricky, because sometimes when we try to help an alcoholic, we are actually enabling them. Other times when we think we are “hurting” an alcoholic, we are actually helping them by observing healthy boundaries. Figuring out the difference here is critical.
If you can stop enabling the alcoholic, then this will get them closer and closer to facing reality and making an eventual decision to stop drinking on their own. This is the goal of helping the alcoholic–to force them to examine their own reality and hopefully make a change. Trying to convince them verbally is pointless. Threatening them is pointless. The key is to not enable them. Here’s how to go about doing that:
1) Don’t deny them consequences of their drinking
If the alcoholic in your life gets pulled over for drunk driving and lands in jail, leave them there. Do not bail them out. Sitting in jail is a natural consequence of their behavior, and they need to experience that consequence. It is part of the learning process. If you deny them that consequence, then they cannot learn.
Obviously, it might take several consequences before the alcoholic “wakes up” and decides to try something different (like recovery). But if there are never any consequences, why would the alcoholic ever decide to change? They wouldn’t. So do not deny them the natural consequences that occur due to their drinking.
This doesn’t mean you have to go out of your way to punish them or get them into trouble. Just let them fall on their face. If you keep “putting pillows under them” when they fall, then they will never be motivated to change.
2) Understand when you are helping versus enabling
Genuinely helping an alcoholic would involve things such as directing them to a treatment center, encouraging them to get help, or possibly taking them to an AA meeting. Examples of enabling behavior would be like if the alcoholic needs to borrow 50 dollars to keep their electricity turned on.
Just because the alcoholic needs money for something other than drinking does not mean you should give it to them. In fact, you should never loan or give money to someone who is still drinking, regardless of what they need it for. Doing so is enabling because they will continue to spend their other funds on drugs and alcohol.
Your approach to “helping” them needs to become very “hands-off.” The only way to really help them is when it is directly linked to a recovery effort (such as going to meetings or rehab). Everything else you might do for them is just manipulation and control on their part. Help for alcoholics does not come in the form of money or favors. Knowledge and encouragement is what they really need.
Beware of bargaining as well. “Loan me 50 bucks today and I promise I will go to rehab on Monday” does not cut it. Never bargain with them like this. It’s just more manipulation. If they want to bargain, you set the terms, not them. For example: “I will drive you to rehab on Monday if you are still willing to go.”
3) Understand and practice detachment
Detachment is the idea that the disease of alcoholism is separate from the alcoholic themselves. It’s the idea that we can love a person but hate their disease. When we practice detachment, we can view an alcoholic’s outrageous behavior as being part of their disease without taking it so personally. We can still love them even though they are sick and their behavior is unacceptable at times.
If you really want to help an alcoholic then you must start practicing detachment. Doing so will save your sanity as well as to start pushing the alcoholic closer to facing their own reality. That’s because your detachment will force them to examine their own actions instead of your reactions. When you stop reacting to the alcoholic’s outrageous behavior, it takes away an “out” that the alcoholic can use to shift the focus.
Detachment is not easy, and you might not do it perfectly at all times. But it’s important to understand the concept and to practice it as best you can. Even if it seems like you are distancing yourself from the alcoholic, it is still the healthiest behavior you can choose. You are choosing to distance yourself from their disease and the emotional turmoil that it creates.
4) Set healthy limits and boundaries
How can we know what healthy boundaries are? By separating the disease from the alcoholic.
In other words, if the person were not drinking, would they still need you to bail them out of jail or call in sick to work for them? Of course not. So don’t do those things for them, ever.
Always ask yourself before attempting to “help” the alcoholic: “Could they do this for themselves if they weren’t drinking?” If the answer is yes, then you should not “help” them with it.
Likewise, if the alcoholic is drunk and is engaging in unacceptable behavior (such as being verbally abusive for example), would that behavior be acceptable to you if they were sober? If the answer is no, then you should not tolerate that behavior….ever.
If their behavior is unacceptable when they are drunk then it is unacceptable, period. You should not tolerate it if you would not expect it from them if they were sober.
This is the process of setting healthy limits and boundaries. You have to decide what is acceptable behavior on their part, regardless of whether or not they have been drinking. In other words, the drinking can no longer be an excuse for their behavior. Separate the disease from the person and act accordingly.
Sometime, when the alcoholic is sober, you will want to communicate your limits and boundaries with them. This doesn’t have to be an angry argument. Simply tell them in advance how you will behave under certain conditions. For example: “I will not loan you money in the future, regardless of what you need it for. I will not bail you out of jail. I will not call in sick to work for you if you are hung over.” And so on.
Always, always, always follow through on your promises. Never make idle threats. Say what you mean and follow through with it. This is the only way to affect lasting change in the relationship.
You might be tempted to make a threat that you do not intend to follow through with. Don’t do it. Only set limits that you fully intend to enforce.
5) Don’t react to their drinking episodes.
Most of the big arguments happen when an alcoholic gets out of control and either gets into trouble or makes a fool of themselves. We have a tendency to react to these situations, and it is natural for us to believe that the greater our reaction is, the more likely it is to change their behavior (or at least get through to them so that they hear us). This is the wrong strategy.
When you react to their drinking episode, they can shift to focusing on to your reaction instead of on their behavior. Carry on as normal and they are forced to examine their part in things. Stop giving them fuel for their fire by reacting and blowing up at them. This just creates arguments and possibly drives them into isolation and more drinking.
This idea of non-reaction does not mean that you forget about your limits and boundaries. By all means, stick to your guns with them. That is extremely important.
Enforce limits and boundaries with decisive action–action that you had previously decided on in a rational moment of clarity and probably also communicated to the alcoholic. In the heat of the moment, do not react. Do not pour fuel on the fire. Simply follow through with the actions that you decided on (such as, “if you come home drunk again, I’m going to go stay over at a friend’s house for the night,” or whatever the case may be).
This is how to enforce limits and boundaries…with action instead of arguing. With detachment instead of emotional turmoil.
Action items – What you can do:
1) Detach. Separate the person from the disease and act accordingly.
2) Don’t enable. Never do for the alcoholic what they could do for themselves if they were sober.
3) Don’t react. Stop blowing up at the alcoholic and thinking that this will change things. Ignore their episodes and they will be forced to look at themselves for once.
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well i just visited my mom today, she has a broken foot and a bruised up back/side from falling down the stairs because she was blacked out drunk…shes 50 and looks like shes 65, she had a few dwi’s when i was younger about 9 years ago and has been into a few half way houses and other kinds of rehab type deals…i think she quit for a bit but i’m not really sure if she really quit,,there were a couple years where she seemed sober..she would make sense when she talked and seemed at peace, calm, collected…now i can tell when she drinks because shes just completely out of touch and rambles and its just sad..shes deff back at it and it sucks…shes goin down hill fast and shes such a nice awesome loving person but i dont know what to do…she doesnt make much money and with her broken foot i dont know what shes going to do about her job..i tried to take her to the hospital today but she was drunk i think (she said she wasn’t) ..she was rambling on and crying and just being neurotic…it sounds like im not sad by the way im typing but i bawled my eyes out today..this is horrible and reality just smacked me in the face..theres no way shes going to last another 10 years going at this pace and its a horrible thing…she was such a good looking woman and now she looks pretty rough..hard thing to say about your mom but its true and i feel like shit thinking about it. im going to force her to go to the hospital tomorrow and prob. going to spend the day with her..im moving closer to her in a couple weeks so my plan is to spend much more time with her (i hardly spend any time with her) i’ll see if i can get her into a few AA meetings and give her some positive support. after reading this article i have done a lot of the wrong things,.. i’ll lose my temper and try to threaten or shame..not on purpose but thats what it boils down to…im going to be supportive and the detach strategy sounds like it will help…i’ve read everyones articles and i really feel for everyone..ill pray for everyone and i hope it works out..its a horrible thing we have to go through…its just very sad and no body likes to be sad..watching someone slowly kill them self is the dumps..w/e..im done venting…good luck everyone. god bless
Hi, Hans i just read about your mum and i do know how you must feel except the alcholic in my life is my ex daughterinlaw the mother of my three grandchildren. As the children are 9,6 and 3 im really not sure how it must be affecting them but i know they are happy when allowed to see us and stay. she has stopped all contact even with her own family as she drinks more and more even taking the children to the pub with her and drinking there. Im scared for her health and for the lives of my grandchildren and dont know where to go from here. She knows she could lose her kids and i even think she may want that to releive her of the burden but the children are scared of losing her the eldest girl especially. She is 28 will she end up 50 still doing this as the children move from house to house school to school not knowing where they will go next never knowing if they will have a bed or the floor to sleep on and never having a normal life. DHS was notified but failed to do more than ring her and the school continues to monitor but its holiday time now and drinking time for her. It distresses me greatly that i cant help my grandchildren or even see them to chat.No one seems to care until something bad happens, she leaves them with strange men at times and im afraid of what might happen then too. I dont think i have enabled her but maybe by minding the kids sometimes i have, so she can go out to drink. Will this kill her at a young age im not sure, but could her actions kill my grandchildren i’m afraid it could. My hands seem tied. anyone have any answers?
Jude, you dont mention your son-could he ,or you for that matter, go for custody. Also keep a log of anything that could be significant big or small, that could establish any risk to the children. If you can discuss the issue with the school again and see if they have noticed any troubling behaviour ors igns of distress or anything that indicates neglect, they should be able to get agencies involved even if you cant. When the children get old enough you can offer to accomodate them so the scenario you depicted could be avoided.
Only a few thoughts, hope they help.
This was very insightful. I am an alcoholic. It began in the fall on 2006, got worse in 07 and 08, then things started to turn around for me on 09. It doesn’t matter why I latched on to such an evil friend, alcohol. What matters is, I was using it (and occassionally still do) as a ‘reset’ button to forget past memories I could not or would not resolve. In that sense, it always worked for a couple months. When I began to make a fool of myself in public, in front of my wife, in front of her friends and family (it took 3 times), I realized this wasn’t ’social drinking’. I was an alcoholic ruining my relationship with my wonderful and far too forgiving wife. I don’t want to lose her, but honestly cannot understand why she stays with me. I’ve brought her nothing but shame and sadness to her goals and dreams for us. I was doing so well last year, compared to the previous 2, that I was actually proud of myself. Turning 40 soon, as the new year rolled around, the 1st Monday afterward, I began thinking about my past ‘issues’ I cannot solve, the fact that I am still fatherless and have wanted so badly to be closer and develop a more intimate bond with my wife as we have been living like brother and sister the past 3 years. All of those things had been rushing through my head since the previous Saturday night at work. On Monday, I tried to end it all. I drank as much as I could that afternoon, wine, and a bottle of 90-ish proof rum. I drank it fast in hopes of blacking out and eventually cardiac arrest. I figured my wife deserved so much better than me and wanted to end this hellish relationship for her so that she could move on. And, I figured she should last find me the only way she really remembered me as anyway…an alcoholic. Unfortunately, my plan failed. I amazingly kept it all down, didn’t feel ill when I awoke, and just made my marriage now 1000 time worse. We haven’t spoken since Sunday (5 days). Not that I blame her. I don’t want a divorce, but, honestly, I don’t see any more options for her. I hate making people sad even though I know it’s 100% my fault. I can’t keep hoping she’ll forgive me. But, I do feel lost, empty, without her intimately in my life in every way.
Wow – reading all your stories has been enlightening for me, my boyfriend is an alcoholic and sometimes I feel so alone, like no one else knows what I’m going through – but they do. I moved to be with my boyfriend, and I have not found employment where we live, and of course he’s unable to work due to his disease – I know I enable him, I know I’m not using the tools listed above, as we fight constantly. I blame, I put him down, I hate his disease, and I feel like it’s killing me – he’s the one who’s drinking 30+ beers a day, why do I feel so much sadness and loneliness – I hate my life with him. I’m going to try to detach, but it’s so hard – I think I love him, but it’s getting so lost in his disease that I don’t even know anymore. He says he wants to get help, that he wants to “cut back” that he doesn’t like the person he’s become ……. well why doesn’t he get help then? He blames his childhood, he blames previous relationships, he blames his father who died when he was fifteen …… he blames me. I don’t even know how I got here, I wasn’t supposed to be with an alcoholic, I’m college educated, I’m smart and happy ……. what happened?
My mother is an alcoholic, finally had another talk with her today. She goes about 3 days drunk, 3 days sober, back and forth. Me and my sister had a sort of mock intervention type thing, not a full out one, but finally confronted her again. She’s been an alcoholic since I was a child, and now she’s 50. The problem today is she left to pick up my sister and her daughter at the daycare my sister works at, but wouldn’t let my sister drive them home, when she was obviously drunk. luckily it was only about 1/4 of a mile, but that’s entirely besides the point. I’m going to try some of what I see in here, a lot of it we already do on a regular basis, but we can’t just ignore this anymore. The article says threatening is never a good thing, but the problem is none of us can really stand it, and all feel like we are already on the verge of just leaving her. None of us really wants to do that though. I mean she is my mom and all, but I can’t stand her presence when she’s drunk, which is literally half of her waking hours.
I understand all too well what everyone is saying here. I grew up with a drunk as a father and now my boyfriend is the same way, if not worse. I love him deeply and it hurts when he is drunk and falling down, mumbling words instead of speaking and basically making an ass of himself.
I/we are at the point of NOWHERE!
my brother has been drinking for years…..he has done a few 7 day programs but that was to pacify everyone…….his wife of 8 years just left him–for what she says is the last time….he is verbally abusive and completely self con sumed……….when she leaves…he cries saying “i want my wife back”…when we say you will have a better chance of getting her back if you go to an extensive inpatient rehab…he says “no way I would rather die than go to rehab”
my sister has gone so far as to call the show “intervention”…she has nice chats etc…but we dont have $7,500 for the initial cost…..
we called 911 the other day when my parents stopped by to see him and he was so drunk and on pills that he was crawling around on the floor talking jibberish…..we called 911…when they showed up he didnt want to go but an old freind was part of the ems team and talked him into it……he blew a 2.9 by the time they did a breathlyzer….which means it was probably 3.2……WITH pills…..that was 5pm at night…….my Dad and Mom went home for the night assured that he was in good hand…..he too a taxi home at 4 AM!!………….any suggestions???????????Help????
think this article is really good has give me the courage to try and detach my self from the situation as i feel i cant take much more. my sister is an alcoholic and is constantly manipulating and is going to greater and greater lengths to get what she wants .I have felt at the point of a break down myself and just reading this article and all the other people who have shared about there struggles has helped.
I too have an alcoholic brother. My parents are enabling him and tend to come to the conclusion that I have caused the latest flare ups. It never seems to be about him. Everyone walks on eggshells worried that it will set him off. I am trying to figure out what to do and what road to take, but they all seem to lead nowhere. He threatens suicide frequently and is very violent to us all when he is drunk which is most of the time now. We have been to the local ER which threatened to call the police. And our town shrink charged hundreds and wrote out a script for AA meetings, but we can’t get him to go. We are very lost and have lost any form of normalcy . Please if anyone has suggestions I’m all ears.
My father was an violent alcoholic for many years, he stopped drinking for over 25 years and for that I’m so happy. Unfortunately, I have three brothers in which two out of the three are alcoholics. My father told me that the bottle becomes your best friend because the bottle doesn’t talk back to you, it is always there when you need it and it becames your whole world. Sad. I commend my mother who stuck by my father all these years-I commend her strength and courage to say that she had enough of my fathers drinking and it was UNACCEPTABLE!!! She detached herself, asked for a divorce (25 years ago) and just when my father had to sign his name on the paperwork at the attorney’s office-he made a promise to my mother that he would never drink again! HE IS CONTINUED HIS PROMISE TO THIS DAY!
it gives me so much hope to read these storys i have been sober 2 weeks after a relapse i had 13 months under my belt but i am back again and living one day at a time.
My sister lost her licence because of drinking and driving. Am I enableing her if I pick her up to come over for supper? Should I be letting her make her way over by bus. How about bringing her to the licence bureau or driving her visitor around?
I would say that those things are not enabling, so long as she is not really taking advantage of you and wants to change.
Some would disagree.
You can help her to help herself. Try to draw the line there.
I love him I can see as a result of reading this article what I have been doing wrong i ‘m at work and I can’t hold back the tears.Wow he’s wright I don’t listen.I got it now
Thanks
Joy
My father is an alcoholic, has been almost all of my life. I love him and would do anything in this world to save him from this disease. I have tried to talk to him, detach myself, etc. But nothing helps. it’s hard not to blame him for all of the pain, but I know we are angry simply because we think if he loved us he wouldn’t do this to us, the truth is he can’t help it so where do we go from here?
This is my first time visiting a site for alcoholics. I didn’t want to really believe that this was my situation, but here I am. My husband is an alcoholic. In between all of our other issues, I forgot to deal with the root of it all. Just the other day, he threw in my face how I abandoned him. It hurt so much. And to say the truth, I did. I’ve been wrong for a while now.. My husband asked me for help actually… and I didn’t do anything. I figured he used it as an excuse for his actions. I was so wrong. I haven’t been using any of these tips… Ive been doing the complete opposite. So ignorant of me to blame it all on him… For so long I blamed myself. So when I tried changing and it didn’t work I just isolated myself more. Lately the arguments are caused by me. Reading this information has brought me some insight, I just hope I can actually use it… I really just don’t know where to begin…
I have just realised that my fiance is an addict. He is still in denial. My most major concern. We’ve been together for 3 years or so now and although I noticed that he drank more than usual people do, I never really thought he had a problem. It was only until recently that I realised that drinking was the root cause of his behaviour – behaviour that caused him to get verbally and emotinally abusive with me and on one occasion, almost physically abusive when he threatened me with his firearm. He uses all sorts of excuses, mostly my family, for his behaviour, going to the point of saying that his drinking only becomes a problem when certain people are around him – that meaning my family because he doesn’t get along with them. I have come to the point where I am afraid of him, afraid to talk to him because it will turn into an argument and he may get abusive. But at the same time, I love him and desperately want to help him. This article changed a few things for me. Perhaps I need to encourage and support him in a different way. I’ll try all that I can right now. He’s a wonderful, good person and I don’t want to see him fall.
My son is an alcoholic. He is 42 and been drinking for 20 yrs. He is also on medication for anxiety, depression, & his latest doctor reduced his valium dramatically , thus the last 7 mos. his drinking and bizzare behavior have increased dramaticlly. I have been trying to help him for so long and now finally realize that I was enabling him. Right now he is in jail for his 5th dwi & driving someone elses car w/out their permission. He is in the house of correction about 4wks (I told him I will not bail him out ever again) but now he has been asking me to put money into his account, $40 to $50 per wk. , he claims to be for toiletries & snacks. This is like a holdling tank until they are sentenced , so he claims there are no help programs of any kind and meals are very sparce so he needs to purchase more snacks. This seems to me like alot of money & need advice on this as I no longer want to enable him. Please give me some advice here. Thanks.
Carol, I have never been to jail, but I do see the news occasionally, and you know what I have not read about lately or heard about? People starving in jail. Nope, have not heard of that happening much lately. And there are a lot of people in jail.
So my guess is…..you are still enabling him.
Good luck….
I wish I would have found your site sooner. I grew up with an alcoholic father. He never physically hurt us but it definitely strained our family and was the root of most of the fights my parents had while I was growing up. Fortunately, he is now able to control it. Unfortunately, my boyfriend of 10 years is an alcoholic. He didn’t start out that way. We both drank and drank about the same amount. The stress in his life has been building and he’s been turning to alcohol instead of solving the root of the problem. He’s been seeing a counselor but it doesn’t seem to be helping. I thought the Campral was helping but then he stopped taking it. I find bottles and cans hid all over the house, he sleeps most of the time when he is home, stays up late at night drinking by himself, sneaks out to the local bar alone. Although he still has a job, he was sent home the other day for smelling like alcohol—obviously not a good thing. In the past month he threw up twice and I can only assume it was from drinking because he was never one to get sick. I’m embarrassed to be around him when other people are around because of his behavior when he’s drunk. He lies to me all the time even though I know he’s lying or always catch him in the lie shortly after. He drinks when he drives which really concerns me. Fortunately, he hasn’t hurt himself or, more importantly, anyone else. I’m sure you all know, the list could go on and on.
His mother and father are aware of the situation and wanted to have an intervention, which we did last night. I had a very bad feeling about it and, after reading your article about it… Again, I wish I found this site yesterday.
He’s a smart, loving person and he is very aware of his situation and that he needs to stop. The problem is that I haven’t seen any improvement. I see a lot of myself in this article and have already begun to detach myself, even though it’s hard. I started taking a class just so I had something else to focus on. This disease consumes everyone who comes into contact with it. It’s always at the forefront of my mind and I feel like it is ruining my life, as well as my boyfriend’s. I’m going to try your recommendations and cross my fingers but I don’t know how much longer I can last.
To everyone else who has posted here, you are not alone and this is NEVER your fault. I understand the feeling of loneliness, hopelessness and helplessness. What you have to remember is that the alcoholic has to WANT to change. Essentially, there is nothing you can do but stop enabling and be supportive when they do decide to change. If they won’t, get out. Make sure you take care of yourself instead of always taking care of the alcohol. My thoughts and prayers are with all of you and your families/loved ones.
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