Is it possible to get sober when you really do not want to stop drinking at all?
Yes and no.
Is it really possible to develop willingness out of thin air? How can you motivate yourself to change?
There are at least 3 pieces to this. Realize that:
1) Nobody totally wants to quit.
2) Those who do quit make the decision anyway.
3) Those who succeed take action following the decision.
Details:
First, realize that nobody wants to stop drinking 100%
We have all heard it said million times before, things such as “Sobriety is for people who want it, not for people who need it.”
And anyone who has been to addiction treatment or an AA meeting has been told that the most important thing is that they have to want to get sober if this is going to work for them.
The thing is, nobody really wants to stop drinking, even when they have come to a crushing point of surrender.
Nobody truly wants to give up their best friend, their faithful companion, their trusted mood-altering magic potion that was always there for them. Deep down, there is a part of every alcoholic that still wants to drink, that finds it hard to let go, that still wants to try it one more time.
But they get sober anyway. The balance shifts far enough and they decide that they really do want sobriety, even though there is a tiny (but powerful) part of their brain that is still screaming at them that it wants to drink.
And so, even though part of them does not really want to quit drinking, they make a decision, and then follow it up with real action.
Make a decision
Make a decision, what does that really mean?
It means that you stop for a moment, step back, and take a good look at your life. What I had to do was to really take a look at the “fun factor.”
Why was I a drunk? Because it was fun. It was a blast.
Until it wasn’t.
The unbelievable thing was how long I continued to drink and self medicate after it was no longer fun. The unbelievable thing was the denial, that I clung to the false belief that getting drunk was still fun.
But it had stopped being fun a long time ago.
Your job is to realize this.
Realize that drinking will never be as effective for you as it once was.
Yes, it used to be great. Way back in the early days, drinking was fine, it was fun, it was even useful for you. Beneficial in some ways.
But those days are long gone. Now your drinking is a ball and chain.
Realize this. See through your denial. Realize that you are clinging to the old way that drinking was, and ignoring the nightmare that it has become.
Constantly remind yourself mentally when you “remember the good times” that this line of thinking is poison. Be quick to remind yourself that the good times are gone forever.
Look carefully at your life. Realize that drinking no longer does for you what it once did. Realize that the fun is gone, and you can never get it back again.
Realize that it is over, and that you want to change.
Take action
Part of you wants to quit drinking and end the misery. Another part of you is hesitant to let go of your best friend and companion.
Now then:
You have analyzed your life and decided that you might be better off without alcohol in it.
Now your job is very simple:
Take action.
What kind of action? I would start by asking for help.
Ask others for help. It is important that you do this, in my opinion, because when we try to help ourselves in very early recovery, we tend to talk ourselves back into drinking. At least that is how all of my efforts went when I tried to get clean and sober on my own.
When I finally got ready and made that decision, I asked for help. People made suggestions. I took them.
This worked for me. It worked because I followed through, and did what other people told me to do. Not very fun at first, and quite a blow to your pride, but it will work.
The thing is, if you do start taking direction from others, your life will get better.
Not only that, but you will realize that you are becoming happy again, without alcohol.
The process for developing willingness
So then:
IF you don’t feel like you really want to get sober, try this:
1) Analyze your life, try to see through your denial.
2) Try to come to the realization that, deep down, you want a better life.
3) Ask for help. Take suggestions that other people make.
4) Follow through and act on those suggestions.
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{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }
Patrick,
I have visited Spiritual River several times the last 6 mo. I and my family have been w0rking with my brother who has been drinking 25 yrs. He has been in and out of rehab. since 04 . He is retired has insurance and a pension but still drinking. We have used your recomendations to examine our behavour and actions . Thank you for your work . It has helped our family thru this process.