How to Convince Someone that they are an Alcoholic or Drug Addict
How can you convince someone that they are an alcoholic or a drug addict?
You can’t.
Or rather, you actually can. But it won’t do any good.
You see, the nature of denial is not that the alcoholic won’t admit that they have a problem. The nature of denial is that they will not accept that they have a problem.
Read that again. There is a big difference there.
In the beginning of my drinking career, I still had denial about my ability to control my drinking. I held on to the illusion that if I really wanted to, someday, I could drink like a normal person and enjoy my liquor without going overboard. I did not yet suspect that I was a genuine alcoholic….at least not in the early days.
As the years went on, I came to realize the true nature of my condition. This is something that I had to admit on my own, and to myself. When others tried to diagnose me, I would not listen. I finally came to see what I really was through my own experiences. I realized that I was beaten; that alcohol had defeated me, and that I was its slave. I knew that I was down for the count. I fully admitted to myself and to others how hopeless my condition had become. Other people could not convince me of my problem.
But understand that this was still denial. Drinking remained my solution. I was at a point where I would readily admit to being alcoholic, but was not yet willing to do anything about it. I continued to drink for some time after that, until I finally accepted my disease.
Accepting alcoholism or drug addiction means that you are willing to do something about it.
How Can You Tell when an Alcoholic or Drug Addict is Serious about Wanting to Change?
Sometimes people pay lip service to the idea of “quitting for good.” All of us who have drank as alcoholics have made promises to others–and to ourselves–that we simply could not keep. We promised to change but simply could not do it. Perhaps we were not ready. In my case, I can say that I did not change after those promises to myself because I wasn’t ready. I have no better explanation about why I continued to drink and self-destruct. I know that in those cases when I failed to remain sober, I wanted to change on my own terms. I wanted to change my way.
Of course that never worked. So you will know when someone is truly ready to change: when they are willing to try it on someone else’s terms. In other words, if an alcoholic is trying to design their own recovery program–chances are they have not truly surrendered to the disease. If, on the other hand, they are truly beaten by alcoholism or drug addiction–and they have become willing to change–then they will start following the advice of those who are trying to help them. This is a genuine humility–to ask for help about how to live. This is the surrender that defines the beginning of recovery.
filled with disgust Says:
Surrender! Okay, I think I get that statement. I wrote on another page and said what is in my heart…okay from the broken heart of a mother. She is in self destruct mode and she has a husband who yells and screams and then will bring his alcohol home, allows his friends to bring it to their home, takes her to bars and then wonders why she won’t agree to treatment. He doesn’t stick to one thing he says. I told him to either get her help or get the hell out so her kids and parents can step in. We won’t enable her. I read that there is the surrender and know that is truly the answer and no, I don’t feel like I can ride in and rescue her. I can not fix her….that is so hard for a mom. She has 2 kids 18 and 21 who are trying to make it on their own. They live on pennies, the daughter is out working but the son who has never been made to take any responsibility is draining my poor little granddaughter who is trying to do it all by the book. Yes, I can say I hate my daughter and want her gone but I really want to hear the wonderful laugh, see the beautiful woman. I have asked her what has happened that made her turn to drugs and alcohol…I am now asking what she has done that she is trying to forget that she has done. Does any of this make any sense at all? I was suppose to look in on her this weekend but she won’t come to the door, won’t pick up the phone. How do I know she isn’t in there dead???? She has taken all the keys from her kids and her husband didn’t leave me with anyway to get in. There has to be someway or something we can do to keep her alive until she does surrender…..or do we just wait.
hjb Says:
pray for my son, please.
ronn Says:
Believe it or not I had a close friend with an alcohol problem and despite my efforts to convince him he had a problem I couldn’t reach him because everything used to turn in a fight. Now my roommate is taking drugs and I let him know I don’t agree, he feels like explaining me how awesome drugs are are he simply shuts down we I try to bring addiction in discussion. Some people can’t be persuaded, not to mention about trying to advise them into drug rehab programs.
Lucy Says:
I have been down this same road before. All the sights are the same, so why am I back here when I hated it the first time? Because this time I have a close friend who has spiraled down the tube of alcoholism. Before it was a husband, and before that it was my best friend in High School. But before I was an “enabler”. Those of you in the know understand that word. I picked them up, cleaned them up, sobered them up, covered up thier problem, made excuses, denied thier disease with them. I quit doing that many years ago. I learned that they have to fix thier own problems and as long as I am fixing thier problems,….I am part ot the problem.
This time I held my friend together through the diagnosis of her husband’s lung cancer and then through his passing and her grief. But now is the time for me. I told her in a loving letter that she needed to stop drinking. Notice I said “for me”. It is not her time. She wants to drink, and will, no matter what anyone says or does. She may drink for 20 years, I don’t know. But I’ve made my choice for me, I do not wish to watch her, I do not want to hear her excuses, and see the toll the alcohol will take. I choose to move on down the road. To some of you that may sound cold and heartless, but addiction is an old foe that I have learned is invincible, because you can’t beat it if you are not the addict.
To all you Mother’s and Father’s and Spouses and Children of addicts, there is no way to tell you how much sadness I feel for all of us who watch a loved one go through this. But I tell you to stop following that addict down that road. Turn left or right, go back, it leads to nothing, it is desolate. Let them alone. Go away. They know you love them, they’ve always known it. But they don’t need you. They need to find thier own way, it’s the ONLY WAY. Don’t be part of the problem. And know this, they may never come back. But you can pray, and that is much. God Bless.
deborah c. Says:
Thank you for your words of wisdom. I have currently decided, Yesterday as a matter of fact, to go down a different road. It is comforting to know that the alcohol knows I love him. I have tried rescuing and fixing him like so many times for others. With my therapy and watching us argue about his drinking and sneaking, I realize I am just fighting a foe again like you said. And the part someone wrote about admitting versus accepting hit home. He is not ready and I am dying here trying to fix him. He needs to find his own way. I realize I have just been in the way. It is very painful but I do not want to grow to hate him just because I cannot get him the way I want him…sober …and happy. I realize it may never come.
Trish Says:
Please pray with my family and I, for my 72 year old Mom who has always had her share of alcohol while were growing up, but has now become a full time alcoholic. About six years ago, she became very depressed over the disappearance and supposed death of my oldest brother. This is when she began to miss work because she was drunk, and soon stopped working completely just so she could stay home and get drunk. She no longer even goes out to shop or get any fresh air. She simply stays in the house and bothers everyone to go and get more alcohol for her. None of us can rest once she runs out of alcohol, no one can sleep. When we all absolutely refuse to get it for her, she will attempt to go and get for herself, sometimes still slightly intoxicated. When we take the keys to prevent this, she will open the door for strangers who come knocking to ask them to get it for her. when all else fails she will call for a cab to take her to get it. She has called the police for us before, for trying to stop her from drinking, after leaving the house drunk(previously) to get more alcohol, or after having a few bouts with not getting to the restroom on time. We’ve tried talking to her time and time again. We’ve talked to the police about getting her some help. They provided info, but because we have no authority over her legally, we cannot admit her to a rehab clinic. We’ve been thru this previously with my brother who also drank in this fashion. So, I know from experience with him, that she has to be the one to put a stop to this. She admits she is an alcoholic, and say’s this is all she wants to do, and prayed for the day when she no longer had to work, so she could do just that…. Stay home and get bloody drunk!! Well, She is retired now, and refuses to stay sober for even a day if she can avoid it. We don’t want her to live alone, because of her habit to get alcohol thru whatever means she can, even if she endangers her life and the lives of others doing so. She is also physically ill w/ a bronchial disease, and often needs assistance with her meds. I’m trying to clump all that is happening into a short version of what we’re going thru. I understand how those of you watching a loved go thru this same or similar thing must feel. We love her and worry about leaving her alone to the “wolves of chance,” but it truly hurts us terribly to experience this w/her. The only thing we can do is pray for them. As I’m sure many of you will agree without God we’re fighting a losibng battle. Please pray for us, as we will for you also.
kate Says:
i need advise, my boyfriend is 20 years of age same as myself and we have a 7 month baby boy. he is a binge drinker and everyone said he was going to give it up when my son was born. but instead he has got worse. he drinks to the extent that he passes out and doesnt come home. he even admitted that he cannot go out somewhere like dinner or a club without drinking. but he denies being an alcoholic. it has got to the stage where ive had enough of worrying where he is at night when he goes out and if he is going to come home. i just want to know peoples opinions on what i should do. he lies about drinking now, doesnt answer his phone when he is out and twists my words for an excuse to go out and drink. please tell me your thoughts