How Can I Help An Alcoholic or Drug Addict? – Specific Things You Can Do To Help
- Understand Addiction In Order To Help Addicts
- Get Help Yourself In Order To Help The Addict
- Establish Boundaries And Set Limits With The Addict
- Confronting The Addict
- Organize a Formal Intervention
- Assess A Person’s Addiction In Order To Determine The Correct Approach
- Practicing Detachment
Understand Addiction In Order to Help Addict
This is a logical and very necessary first step. Before you can learn how best to help a struggling addict or alcoholic, you need to understand the nature of addiction. There are several models of addiction that attempt to describe what it is and why it affects people, but none of those models are entirely accurate. Many people have heard of the disease model, which does a fairly decent job of describing what we see in the real world. For example, even addicts or alcoholics who have stayed clean for several decades can relapse and be right back to their old level of consumption within a matter of days.
Also note that addiction can affect potentially anyone, including those who:
- Have no apparent genetic predisposition for addiction or alcoholism
- Have very little environmental risk
- Have no moral shortcomings or laziness about them
Even if you do not believe in the disease model, learning more about how it works is a necessary foundation in learning about how you can potentially help a struggling addict or alcoholic. If you want to know how to help alcoholics then you need to learn about the condition.
Get Help Yourself In Order To Help The Addict
We cannot control a drug addict or an alcoholic, but we can control our own behavior, including how we behave in relationship to a sick and suffering (and possibly manipulative) addict or alcoholic. Therefore, the best thing that you can do if you want to help someone in your life is to get yourself to an Al-Anon meeting. The people there can listen to your situation and give you the best specific advice on how to go about handling things. Educating yourself on how to set limits and boundaries is one of the most important things that you can do in this case.
Establish Boundaries And Set Limits With The Addict
One example of setting a boundary is telling a close friend that you prefer they not be around you if they are drunk or high. Notice that it is specific, and you have to sit down and communicate this type of request explicitly with someone. Setting a boundary like this is difficult because there is this tendency to hurt other’s feelings. But that is part of what is keeping you sick, caring more about this person’s feelings than your own personal well being. Setting boundaries is about putting your own personal well being first, and letting that be a guiding example of how to live. You know you are setting effective boundaries when you are taking back control of your own life and starting to regain your own sanity, instead of being all wrapped up in the problems of a struggling drug addict or alcoholic. This is a crucial distance you must learn to keep when learning how to help a recovering drug addict.
Confronting The Addict
Any time that you casually approach this struggling addict or talk with them about the possibility of getting help is an example of an informal intervention. This might not sound like a very useful option compared to a more formal and organized intervention, but nonetheless it can be very effective. In my own personal experience, I finally decided to ask for addiction help and thus changed my whole life after a simple phone conversation with a family member. The reason for this was because timing was everything. Previously, a formal intervention had failed, because I simply had not been ready to make a change at that time. But a key conversation happened at just the right moment, and it set in motion a series of life changing events for me.
Does this mean that you should pester someone incessantly until they get clean and sober? Probably not. Helping an addict is never that straightforward. But you should never give up hope on them, and you should have a consistent message for them without badgering them. Make sure they know that help is available for them if and when they want it.
Organize a Formal Intervention
This is what most people think of when they hear the term “intervention,” where the friends and family of an addict all get together and confront that person together and urge them to get help. This is not necessarily the best choice though. There is a lot of evidence that an addict or alcoholic will only change when they personally come to their own point of surrender. A formal intervention does not bring a person to this point. Many would argue that the intervention would only work if the person is already at this critical point of surrender. Nevertheless, some formal interventions have been successful at persuading people to get clean and sober. Here is a full guide to planning and organizing a formal intervention.
Assess A Person’s Addiction In Order To Determine The Correct Approach
A friend or loved one who is caught up in the cycle of addiction has to be approached in the right way. We all know how worthless it is for advice to fall on deaf ears, and this is bound to be the case with certain approaches in trying to help struggling addicts. But there are specific, proactive actions that you can take regardless of where your loved one is at in their addiction. There are no hard and fast rules here because different personality types will call for different approaches. One valuable guideline might be to always use a caring approach instead of a threatening one. Consider the different levels of denial and willingness to change that an addict or alcoholic might have:
Complete Denial – If a person is in complete denial of their addiction, then there is little that you can do other than focus on your own behaviors and actions. The best that you can do in this case might be to communicate your boundaries with the person and let it be known that you won’t be bailing them out of any jams. A formal intervention is unlikely to produce an immediate change, although it might be a step in letting the person know how much everyone cares for them. In some cases, a formal intervention might be an unhealthy move on your part…better to take care of yourself at this point and simply establish healthy boundaries with the person.
They are Admitting to their Problem, but are Reluctant to take action - This is the difference between admitting and accepting that they have an addiction. This person is technically still in denial, but they just aren’t willing to change yet. The fear of change, the fear of life without chemicals is too great for them, even though they know that they have a real problem. They are caught between a rock and a hard place.
I was in this state for several years, but was scared to get help and make a change. I was terrified of the thought of facing life without drugs and alcohol. What finally got me to ask for help and change my life was a simple, informal conversation with a family member over the phone. This is what finally “did the trick,” whereas a full scale formal intervention in the past had failed. But also realize that the formal intervention might have been a critical part of the journey. They Admit to their Problem and Say they are Willing to Change, but only on Their Own Terms – This is still denial, but in its sneakiest form. The person has agreed to address their addiction and says that they are willing to change. They might even have a genuine willingness to change. But the problem is that they are only going to change on their own terms.
Fear is holding them back. The person is so close to making a life changing decision. Tread with caution and don’t push them over the edge. Be helpful and supportive. Personality type will help dictate if this is the best time for a formal intervention or not. If they are secluded, isolated, shy, or have anxiety or depression, then a formal intervention with lots of people might be a bad idea at this point. If you want to know how to help drug addicts then you have to learn to figure out how hard you can press up against this wall of fear. It can be a tricky balance to attain.
They Accept their Addiction and Will do Almost Anything You Suggest – This is complete surrender, and represents someone who is ready to change. Get them to a treatment center or a twelve step meeting.
Practicing Detachment
One of the key principles that will help you in dealing with a struggling alcoholic or drug addict is detachment. The idea behind it is to separate yourself emotionally from the damaging effects of your relationship with the addict or alcoholic. It is not the same as complete disassociation or abandoning the relationship. The idea is to care for them while detaching emotionally. You can care for them but not feel like you are responsible for them. In other words, you are specifically trying to not get all wrapped up emotionally by an addicts destructive behaviors.
This is difficult.
Practicing detachment should make it easier over time. Here are some things that you can do in order to practice detachment with the struggling addict in your life:
- Don’t do things that they should be doing themselves.
- Don’t bend over backwards to rescue them or save them from natural consequences.
- Don’t cover up for their mistakes or embarrassing situations.
- Don’t rescue them from crisis or financial situations.
- Don’t try to fix them.
- Let go of any guilt you may have about them.
Detachment is not about denying your emotions. If someone close to you dies, for example, you will probably feel sad. You can’t choose this feeling. It simply is. But we do have the power to affect the intensity of this feeling, by focusing on the positive aspects of the situation. We can also change our thinking in an attempt to eradicate irrational beliefs that might be contributing to our emotional turmoil.
The goal is not to go without emotions, the goal is to achieve some level of emotional stability. We are detaching from the negative, irrational thoughts that stir up our emotions, like the guilt we might have if we think someone’s addiction is our fault.
Detachment is difficult and takes practice. I urge you to find local Al-Anon meetings and get involved with them, as those are the people who can help you the most.
Good luck to everyone out there and God bless.
Recommended Reading
- Overcoming Addiction
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- Holistic Addiction Treatment Center
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I have a 26 year old son who has been on/off again with drugs. He moved back home with us, and as far as I knew he was clean. We did set boundaries with him about staying out all night without letting us know and we did set an amount of room and board. He was working, but we never received rent after 2 months from him. We discovered he was doing drugs sitting in our living room, after we had gone to bed. He starting skipping work and staying out all night, his cell phone was disconnected, due to no payment. His clothes started missing, then his shoes. He stole my debit card one night and returned it the next day, saying I must have dropped it on the floor. We made him leave, he has no friends and no where to live, he is currenlty living on the streets. He says he is not using drugs. He is amazed that we made him leave our home. I am having a real hard time with this. It is so hard to detach, I feel like the worst mother in the world. He shows up every other day at my door, begging to let him in and take a shower, but he still refuses to get help or admit that he has an addiction. I attend my first al-anon meeting tomorrow. I just cannot get over the fear that the police will knock on the door and tell me he is dead. I will not be able to live myself, my life will be over, also.
Hi,
My boyfriend was released from prison last week. He was away for 8 months. He was a heroine addict. While he was away he got clean and says he will go to outpatient and NA to recover. He is waiting for welfare so he can’t go to outpatient until this kicks in. However, I stress to him the importance to NA and the 90 meetings in 90 days. He has tried NA in the past and says he doesn’t like being around “those people.” It depresses him. He told me I nag him and he doesn’t want to be forced to go to meetings. He says he will go even though he doesn’t want to. Last night, he says he went to his first meeting though he went to the wrong location but was a little late. I told him this is a good start but he doesn’t really want to talk about meetings. He says he wants to stay clean and will make every effort, but why won’t he attend these meetings. I am afraid if he doesn’t get a consistent pattern going on he will return back to drugs. I am worried about him and it is hard to practice detachment. He told me last night he has no urges to do drugs but I don’t believe it because he has been an addict since he was a teenager and now is 33. He has been in and out of jail as a result of his addiction. How should I talk with him so he doesn’t get angry and defensive? Yesterday, he told me he was depressed because he has had back pain since he was incarcerated. He can’t do the same type of work as he used to and he is worried about how he will make money. Right now he is staying with family in a drug free home. He says he is missing some of his prayer books and meditation books. He has felt unmotivated since his release. Is this normal? Any suggestions?
Thank you very much this has helped me. My dad is a alcoholic that drinks around the clock for over 30 years. The past at least 3 months he has been drinking 30 beers every 24hours. I’m living with him and its just me him and my dog and i read this whole article and it is very clear that you know EXACTLY what you’re talking about. I’m ready to leave my dad because its miserable if i stay and he is always drunk. He has been to the hospital two times since we moved to savannah GA. We lived in WI and me and him moved because he got fired from his job and we wanted to live somewhere warm. Well now i find that leaving all my family in wisconsin and living with my alchoholic dad in GA has been just miserable. I love my dad very much, but I can’t keep living like this. I’ve read alot of things online and talked to alot of people so I know all about how Alcoholism works. My mom is suggesting that I leave and come back to Wisconsin. My mom left him and now I’m wanting to. I’m all he has left and he says if I leave him that he will die. He has no liscence and I have to get him beer and cigarets every day and I’m sick of it. He has tried to quit twice since living down here and has failed. He has quit drinking before but now is sick as ever. hasnt eaten within 4 weeks again( this has happened several times btw). He is just living off beer and I can’t stand living with him nomore Im going to go insane I’m not kidding Neither. Now he’s talking about going in again and trying to quit and he seems like he means it, but He’s been doing this for a long time. Now I have a decision because everyone tells me that i need to go on with my own life and get away from my dad. But he is at the point for when he needs to go to the hospital. He would probbly blow like a .35 right now thats how bad he is. If anyone has any advice please email me i would greatly appreciate it. I’m going to try to go to a ale non meeting, but I’m still trying to locate one.
I’m glad this website came up when I Googled about trying to help and understand an alcoholic and drug addict. I can relate to many of these stories on here. I was living with my boyfriend for 4 years. The first two years were terrific. We were working professionals starting a life together. However,the last 2 years he became addicted to Vicodin following an accident with his hand. He was also drinking very heavily. He went out on disability to manage his depression and anxietey disorders. I guess he had too much time on his hands because his addictions got worse. One night, he disappeared and was so out of it he had no idea how to get home. Once he got home, he turned on me. He started yelling at me, then punched me in the back of the head. I went to work the next day and when I got home he was still drunk. I gave him an ultimatum — go to detox or leave the house. He chose detox. After he left detox, he was doing well. After 7 months, he thought he had all his demons under control so he decided that he can have a beer here and there. Then it turned into bottles of wine, then vodka and wiskey. He was also on Suboxone for the opiate withdrawals. Last week, he was so drunk that he couldn’t find his way home. I paid for a cab. I finally decided enough was enough and I left to a friend’s house. I shut my phone off. I put my phone back on hours later just to have my voice mails clogged with messages about how he hates me and how he destroyed our place. Later on, I received a text message from my neighbor saying that he tried to kill himself by taking a bottle of Xanax. He was taken to the psych ward by the cops. He just finished a week in there and has moved back home to focus on recovery. In retrospect, I may have been an enabler and I feel extremely guilty. I thought I was doing things to please him because I loved him…it’s my nature to be generous with people. He’s now cut off all communication with me. I want to be there for him. I want to inspire him. I don’t drink anymore because of all this. I make a great living. I think I have my head screwed on straight for the most part, but I’m struggling to find answers as to how this could have been avoided. I have gone to therapy and Al Anon meetings. This has been a very tough journey in my life. No matter what, I will love and support my now ex-boyfriend.
My friend who is an alcoholic gets mean, combative, stumbling down crying drunk. She has used me for a
punching bag twice. She physically hurt me this last time and I had to go to the doctor. I have bruised
cartlage and a cracked bone in by sternum. I am done.
She is very needy and has lied to me so many times I can’t count them. I have suggested rehab to her several times and she refuses. Her comment is always
no, not going. Been there and it doesn’t work. I told her the reason it didn’t work is because she didn’t work the program.
My son, 28, who was clean for 8 years, moved home and in the course of one year relapsed on heroin. Ten years ago, he was in rehab three times—adding up to almost 3 years of his life. He knows the answers. He knows what he needs to do, yet thinks he knows more than everyone else. He got out of a detox facility last Sunday. He went to a meeting Sunday, Monday and Tuesday. Wednesday–I’m not really sure. Thursday and Friday he did not go. I feel sad for him. He is staying in his room like a recluse. He is not making the phone calls that he was told to make by the detox facility and the writing seems to be on the wall. He doesn’t want to help himself. My heart breaks….
I feel so much pain and sorrow for all of us that have these kinds of people in our lives. They will even try to convince you its okay as long as they are functional at work! It’s more than an illness…It’s a SELF-INFLICTED sickness! And they will manipulate you into thinking that you have the problem and try to enable you too. They don’t care about you! Remember, their wives, mothers, sisters, BF and life partners are DRUGS and Alcohol NOT you! They will NEVER give you credit for anything to keep you in limbo…Don’t fall for their games! Set bounderies, don’t let them enter into our lives unless they take control of their own lives before they enter back into yours (emotionally and mentally), they are not capable at this time in their lives to handle anything else not even themsleves is WHY they are selfish. They don’t have time, energy or the power for anything else in their lives. If we take back the power from them and empower ourselves AGAIN, then they will see by example what they are missing out on. I am all for healing and empowerment, but not at my own expense where I wont be able to function. HINT: When they go out there to “binge” don’t let them back in! It’s legally called ABANDONEMENT for them to leave you to fend for yourselve while they selfishly take care of their own habit without any regard for you and your welfare…I have literally stopped most if not all bad abusive habits by filing police reports on the primary wage earner/husband/spouse/caregiver to document and report a reason to seek spousal support of his wages and have an allotement taken out of his paycheck directly to me from an order from the courts to while you are still married after showing abuse and abandondment and mismanagement of funds to propery pay bills on time to run our household. He didnt like it but this gave me less frustration, more confidence and MADE him accountable to be more responsible to me and his actions that neglected my needs. Check your local county and state for your own marital and spousal laws. Some state are not as liberal or FEMALE friendly, and will give you a hard time to seek this kind of support from the court systems.
tupac said “fear is stronger than love” the hardest thing to do is surrender. I know if i hang on until tomorrow things will get better as long as I surrender to Him/Her for the next 24hrs. Thy Will, not mine, be done. AMEN thanks for being in my life today.
Lia 30days clean and sober as of 2/23/11
Uncharted area please help!
We were devastated in finding out that our daughter of 34 was addicted to Oxycontin last week , we had feelings that something was not right and had already distant ourselves from her and her constant requests for money by the end of December 2010. We have had very little contact with her since, until last week when we were told by a person that she had confided in. We think that this must have been done subconsciously for the person in question is not regarded as a confidential person, but however an extended family member. When we confronted her she revealed that she was detoxing at home from a usage of 80 mg plus a half pill down to either 40 or 20 mg which she had weaned herself down from four months ago. We have always set boundaries with our children and like all parents have relented in some instant, but we feel so strongly against drugs that we refuse to enable her in anyway. We have had since our discovery of this had many conversations with her, but cannot be certain how true any of this is. She states that she is broke and in debt up to her ears. We continue not to supply her with money, we have brought her some food. She smokes cigarettes and asked if we would buy her some, we refused. If she is telling the truth, when do we start to help her? According to her she has been clean for 10 days and has to try to set her affairs in order. She has absolutely no money, her car in impounded, her apartment is a pig sty. She has no choice but to try to address this the best way she can, for our believe is that she got herself into this mess, then get yourself out. However we do recognize that we need to participate at some point and help her, but when do we do this? She has also been writing down everything she is feeling regarding this and where her pain is coming from. We will support her in any way to ensure a total recovery. We have tried since last week to get an appointment with a drug counsellor, but have yet to secure one. There are waiting lists for this type of help! Our daughter is so intelligent, loving and giving, but is also and has been a very manipulating person. She has never settled into a profession and moved from one to another and has since birth always been a person searching for her ideal in all regards of life. We consider ourselves to be strong people but this has broken us, I am certain I need not express the pain that we are all experiencing, her our darling, beautiful, gifted daughter and our family. Any insight would be so appreciated, please anything!
Thank you I really got a lot out of your site/ article. Having dealt with personal alcohol & drug abuse in the past, I am currently finding it very difficult to deal with a (pregnant)close friend’s total denial of their alcoholism. Thank you.
This website is very informative. My situation is…I have been with my boyfriend for 11yrs off and on. The reason we keep separating is his alcohol/drug abuse. We have 2 small boys together which makes it all the more difficult. Not to mention I have heart/kidney failure also. He has been out of work for 3yrs now and refuses to stop the alcohol, smoking, and pills in order to find work. I want to support him and be there for him, but am finding it useless. I grew up in an alcoholic home and don’t want that for my children. I don’t ever buy his “habits” for him, but he finds a way. He once told me he knew he had a problem, but that quickly faded from his mind. I promised myself that if I made him leave; it would be for good this time. Knowing that makes it very hard to let go of any emotional ties. If I kick him out he will be out on the streets literally, as his family has already given up on him…I am all he has. Please any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
My 22 years old addict son went to rehab was doing fairly well but recently seems to have relapsed He has not be in his usual contact with family for about 5 weeks and won’t answer his phone. I have sent him emails and he knows I am worried. Do I just let him go and wait? I was told he knows what he has done and don’t contact him again. He recently started going out with a woman 8 years older than him and lets say she is not a moral pick. Should the family do an informal intervention or just let him come around. He asked to be taken for help last year when he admitted he was an addict. As for myself I cannot continue on this emotional horrible ride. Imput from anyone please
I’m grateful to find this thread of conversation. I am very susceptible to trying to “help” addicts. My older sister was the beginning of that. I didn’t want her addiction to kill her, so I lost myself completely trying to “save” her. I was exhausted and living an unmanageable life. I finally cut off from her and gave her numbers for AA on the advice of a friend. I didn’t know if she was dead or alive for 3 months, but she showed up one day and was clean and attending meetings. 8 years later she thanked me and acknowledged me for letting her fall to her rock bottom that time. She realised how hard that must have been for me and how much pain I must have been in, but it was my action of letting her go that allowed her to save herself. She’s very well and successful 15 years down the road… However, I became involved in an addicted relationship 3 years ago (it wasn’t obvious at the time, but became progressively worse) and find myself in exactly the same position again – having to find the strength to let someone go, because I am keeping them going in their addiction and they won’t change and furthermore resent me for loving and caring for them. This is the horrible irony of loving an addict. The more care you give, the less they can stomach you because (in their love for you)it causes them to feel: (a) shame,(b) some deeper sense that you are allowing them to stay sick, and (c) pain for the responsibility of pain they are causing you. It hurts alot, because you can love the person and not the behaviour, but it makes no difference to an active addict/alcoholic – in fact your love for them increases the addictive cycle because shame drives it. Without going into the grief and anger … what I am trying to do is see myself as the perpetrator and not the victim in this. It’s difficult to not feel like a victim, instead just blame the other person for the situation, when actually I allowed him to stay sick – I did things for him that he should have done himself, I bailed him out of financial crises, I paid all the bills and supported him through a very difficult family crisis… They are all things you do to be “loving”, but addiction is so cunning and baffling that none of it is ever as you think. It hurts to see my own role and co-dependency in this. He left me a few days ago, just walked out after 3 years and there’s no contact. The pain is unbearable. I just have to keep remembering that letting go was the key to my sister becoming well, and I have to focus this time on getting myself well and moving on. I can’t live my life waiting for my partner to get well, or walk back through the door. That would be insane. I am trying to focus on my own sanity and growth. I know we have a lot of love for one another, but the addiction and co-dependency was insidious. Good Luck to others that are going through the very difficult process of detaching with love.
I have a 44 year old son who has fought addition since he was 24. He has even been in jail. He now has a family and does fine for a while then he goes on a binge and goes through several thousand dollars at a time.
We have been thru rehab twice and he keeps sliding back from time to time. What can we do? I see no good for him or his family.
My sis relaspsafter 9 years of being cleaned. Now, she doesn’t want to go do a program because she is afraids of getting locked up for years.Please help how can we help her?
I have been engaged and lived with a percocet addict for the last 12 years. He will be 50 this year. The last two years, I was the sole financial provider…His parents supplied him with cigarette and gas money. He also owes me quit a bit of money from several years ago. Every time, I set boundaries, we ended up in a huge argument. He started seeing a psychiatrist and now a psychologist two months ago…probably b/c of my persistence. Two weeks ago, I could not deal with his 4-day withdrawal and told him to stay at his parents. He goes through withdrawal appr. every two weeks. His mom is the one that supplies him with the pain meds (10-20 a day). He has not come home while I was there for the last two weeks. We have talked on the phone twice since he left. He said that he just didn’t see the light anymore, didn’t know if he wanted to keep the relationship going (bumpy ride) and was thinking about an outpatient meth clinic. I told him that whatever he decided I loved him and wished him the best. Since I have not seen him for two weeks, my resentment is much less and my love for him is greater again. However, at the same time, I do not want to enable him. Any suggestions on how to help him in a loving way without enabling him? Thanks.
Hello. I have been married to an alcoholic for 26 years. I was seperated from him for 3 years and then we got back together. Of course he told me he would not drink if I came back home but, here we are and he still drinks. His drinking has caused alot of pain and cost alot of money e.g. dui’s, lawyers, etc. When we seperated I left and took our daughter. She is on her own now and it is he and I. He cant just drink a beer or two. When he does drink it is like he is drunk on two beers. He becomes obnoxious and it is at this time that he wants to fight with people like the neighbors. He is a mess. He was cutting wood the other day drinking. He went out and shot the gun while he was drinking. It makes me pretty nervous. This time I think I will file for a seperation and see if I can get a house. He doesnt care about the house. He has let it fall down around us. Now, the insurance is so high because of the neglect that it doubled our house payment and he complains about that. I have been going to school part time since 2004. I will finally graduate this year and believe I can take care of the house on my own. Its in both our names and he has done nothing to improve it. We have windows out in the shed with flooring and things like that yet, he cant ever get these things fixed. I know I am venting right now I am just exhausted. I am detached but, still living here and when he drinks he can be mean. He has been very mean in the past. I have given up on him changing. He has been through counseling and AA and law required counseling and nothing has totally stopped him. He goes sober long enough to get out of trouble but, then back to it again. He has COPD and with the continual drinking I know his health isnt the best. Any suggestions for me? I would truly appreciate it.
“This time is going to be different. Really, I swear, I know you don’t believe me and I don’t blame you but this time I want to stop for me. I’m done. I’m done with all the craziness. I just want to be normal and live a normal life. See,I didn’t even want to tell you this because I know you won’t believe me. You’ll see. Now I need to go to sleep.” God help us all, here we go again. Another train wreck.
My boyfriend who is 54 has started drinking in the last 6 months. Before when we dated for a year he didn’t drink at all. Said he gave up due to emotional things he was dealing with and decided he felt better sober. So now he’s started, and its stressing me out. He’s not a mean drunk, if anything the opposite, but when he has too many, I can’t stand to be around him. We live together and so not easy to just leave, as I moved from California to Colorado to be with him. I have confronted him with how I feel, and he said he would cut back but wouldn’t completely quit, as he didn’t want to be controlled by me. So I thought, so you want to try to throw this back at me? So I’m finding I’m detaching myself to the point to where its like having a room-mate and not a partner. Any suggestions on how to handle this situation. I’m very saddened by all this.
My best friend is in her 3rd week at a rehab center for her struggles with alcohol/alcoholism.
We would hang out, we share a passion for the same hobbies and drink together and it was always fun times and it wasn’t until recently that it was becoming more apparent that alcohol was ruling and ruining her life. I am an occassional drinker and never realized that alcohol was affecting her in a different manner.
I feel so unbelievably guilty for knowing she was struggling and still drinking with her, when I should have put an end to that “activity”.
I’m ashamed to be so selfish in asking this but: will our friendship have to end in order for her to conquer her demons? I’ve sent encouraging letters talking about us getting together when she is ready and getting back into our crafts/hobbies. I need her to know that our friendship never was contingent on us drinking together. I have yet to get a response but after reading up on the detox/rehab process I understand that she is really working hard with learning who she is without the alcohol so returning my letters is obviously not (nor should it be) tops on her list of things to do.
But will being around me and doing things we used to do MINUS any drinking be some sort of trigger that could send her into a relapse? It breaks my heart when I realize how I actually harmed her by being one of the enablers but the thought of our friendship having to end is making me very sad. Ultimately I want her to be safe and happy but, selfishly I also want to keep my friend. Any suggestions?
I have a 40 yrs. old daughter, 3 grandchildren, she’s on prescription drugs, addarol, I need advice as to how/what/when to do. We have enabled her for yrs. , not knowing she was on drugs. She’s drivorced, husband was a druggie, now living with a 28 yrs. old druggie, children are at risk, she has no water in the hosue, no A/C, lives off of food stamps,..etc. It’s a very long, but probably very familiar story to you. Please give me direction, thx Toni
Hi i hope you can help me. My Son is an alcoholic and also addicted to codeine. Hes lost 2 jobs in the last 6 months due to his problem. Hes had a lot of heartache because his wife left him 3yrs ago and ran off with his sisters husband Thats when he stated abusing alcohol. I took him to the AA but it didnt do any good. He is 31yrs old and was living alone so rather than leave him alone we brought him home to live with us.He was told by the Dr that his liver count was extremely high and that he mustnt drink but it didnt work either.We are pensioners so we cant support his habit now hes got no job. I am so worried that im going to lose my Son and i dont know what to do. Please believe me hes in a bad way and i dont want him to die. He has a5 yr old daughter who he adores. Please help me i beg you i dont know who to turn to God Bless Lynn
I recently found out my boyfriend of 6 months has been using heroine regularly for the psat 2.5 months. I was devestated when i found out, and acutally found his supplies myself where he had been keeping them in his coat pocket. I immediately knew what it was even though i had never previously seen this drug before. He has rencently admitted to me and his family of his habit and says he is happy that we found it because all he wanted was for us to know so he could go through recovering wihthout us questioning why he is so sick. He is currently on day 2 without taking anything. What is the next step in recovery and when is the right time to start going through counceling? Is there a high change that he will relapse?And do you have any advice on how I should treat him right now? I feel like I cant trust him at all and Im trying not to overwhelm him with guilt but its hard.
Hi everyone, i can realy unterstand all teh pain and fear you all goin throgh.Question to Loney. What did you dicide to do since than? Listen to your Heart and Detach. Heidi, i know it must be so hart for you be strong. Maria your dauthter will get away from it. Barbara maybe your son is willd to do an liver detoxing programm at home.
Fiona your Stroy reminds me realy on my own stroy. My partner is a crack addict Is in the battle of going off and on. He trustet me all his money but than when he needs his binge and his fix he gets aggresiv and violent which scares and terryfies me. I try to stay firm, but than i dont and give him the money or the carkeys just that he not bother me anymore. I care for him alot I love him but i allways enable him when he forces the meney to give him because its HIS. he manipulates me and allwazs sais its the last time. I am so fetup with all that struggle, and was thinking to give him all his money back to have a peace of mind. but than i think i enable him if i do that, he will use all the money for drugs and will loose everything.. And also my fear like everybody else here, is that he puts his health so much under risk, till dead. Is it a good idea to give him all his money back when he forces me, just that i have a peace of mind, or call the police? He is a lovley man just that crack has so much hold and control over him it destroys him. Any Help or answer on that?? thanks and god bless you all
I am so happy to have found this website. Our 40 year old son (who is gay) has an addiction to crystal meth. He started about 6 years ago to our knowledge. He did finally admit he has an addiction but does not acknowledge it affects his life. He has not worked in 2 years (his partner left him) is on medicaid and food stamps; sleeping on “friends” sofas. We refused to enable him by giving him money when he asked. He lives on the other side of the country so we do not have regular contact with him. He has not called or emailed since we refused money, but told him to let us know when he is ready to get help with his addiction and we will help him anyway we can. I cannot locate a gay organization in my area where I can join a group for therapy. I will locate an al-anon and definitely pursue that. Thank you for your website.
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