How Can I Help An Alcoholic or Drug Addict? - Specific Things You Can Do To Help

#1 - Understand Addiction

This is a logical and very necessary first step. Before you can learn how best to help a struggling addict or alcoholic, you need to understand the nature of addiction. There are several models of addiction that attempt to describe what it is and why it affects people, but none of those models are entirely accurate. Many people have heard of the disease model, which does a fairly decent job of describing what we see in the real world. For example, even addicts or alcoholics who have stayed clean for several decades can relapse and be right back to their old level of consumption within a matter of days.

Homeless
Photo by Ahmad Kavousian

Also note that addiction can affect potentially anyone, including those who:

-Have no apparent genetic predisposition for addiction or alcoholism
-Have very little environmental risk
-Have no moral shortcomings or laziness about them

Even if you do not believe in the disease model, learning more about addiction is a necessary foundation in learning about how you can potentially help a struggling addict or alcoholic.

#2 - Get Help Yourself

We cannot control a drug addict or an alcoholic, but we can control our own behavior–including how we behave in relationship to a sick and suffering (and possibly manipulative) addict or alcoholic. Therefore, the best thing that you can do if you want to help someone in your life is to get yourself to an Al-Anon meeting. The people there can listen to your situation and give you the best specific advice on how to go about handling things. Educating yourself on how to set limits and boundaries is one of the most important things that you can do in this case.

#3 - Establish Boundaries, Set Limits

One example of setting a boundary is telling a close friend that you prefer they not be around you if they are drunk or high. Notice that it is specific, and you have to sit down and communicate this type of request explicitly with someone. Setting a boundary like this is difficult because there is this tendency to hurt other’s feelings. But that is part of what is keeping you sick–caring more about this person’s feelings than your own personal well being. Setting boundaries is about putting your own personal well being first, and letting that be a guiding example of how to live. You know you are setting effective boundaries when you are taking back control of your own life and starting to regain your own sanity–instead of being all wrapped up in the problems of a struggling drug addict or alcoholic.

Informal intervention

#4 - Informal Intervention

Any time that you casually approach this struggling addict or talk with them about the possibility of getting help is an example of an informal intervention. This might not sound like a very useful option compared to a more formal and organized intervention, but nonetheless it can be very effective. In my own personal experience, I finally decided to ask for help and thus changed my whole life after a simple phone conversation with a family member. The reason for this was because timing was everything. Previously, a formal intervention had failed, because I simply had not been ready to make a change at that time. But a key conversation happened at just the right moment, and it set in motion a series of life changing events for me.

Does this mean that you should pester someone incessantly until they get clean and sober? Probably not. But you should never give up hope on them, and you should have a consistent message for them without badgering them. Make sure they know that help is available for them if and when they want it.

#5 - Organize a Formal Intervention

This is what most people think of when they hear the term “intervention,” where the friends and family of an addict all get together and confront that person together and urge them to get help. This is not necessarily the best choice though. There is a lot of evidence that an addict or alcoholic will only change when they personally come to their own point of surrender. A formal intervention does not bring a person to this point. Many would argue that the intervention would only work if the person is already at this critical point of surrender. Nevertheless, some formal interventions have been successful at persuading people to get clean and sober. Here is a full guide to planning and organizing a formal intervention.

Assess a Person’s Addiction in Order to Determine the Correct Approach

Informal intervention

A friend or loved one who is caught up in the cycle of addiction has to be approached in the right way. We all know how worthless it is for advice to fall on deaf ears, and this is bound to be the case with certain approaches in trying to help struggling addicts. But there are specific, proactive actions that you can take regardless of where your loved one is at in their addiction. There are no hard and fast rules here because different personality types will call for different approaches. One valuable guideline might be to always use a caring approach instead of a threatening one. Consider the different levels of denial and willingness to change that an addict or alcoholic might have:

* Complete Denial - If a person is in complete denial of their addiction, then there is little that you can do other than focus on your own behaviors and actions. The best that you can do in this case might be to communicate your boundaries with the person and let it be known that you won’t be bailing them out of any jams. A formal intervention is unlikely to produce an immediate change, although it might be a step in letting the person know how much everyone cares for them. In some cases, a formal intervention might be an unhealthy move on your part…better to take care of yourself at this point and simply establish healthy boundaries with the person.

* They are Admitting to their Problem, but are Reluctant to take action - This is the difference between admitting and accepting that they have an addiction. This person is technically still in denial, but they just aren’t willing to change yet. The fear of change, the fear of life without chemicals is too great for them, even though they know that they have a real problem. They are caught between a rock and a hard place.

I was in this state for several years, but was scared to get help and make a change. I was terrified of the thought of facing life without drugs and alcohol. What finally got me to ask for help and change my life was a simple, informal conversation with a family member over the phone. This is what finally “did the trick,” whereas a full scale formal intervention in the past had failed. But also realize that the formal intervention might have been a critical part of the journey.

* They Admit to their Problem and Say they are Willing to Change, but only on Their Own Terms - This is still denial, but in its sneakiest form. The person has agreed to address their addiction and says that they are willing to change. They might even have a genuine willingness to change. But the problem is that they are only going to change on their own terms.

Fear is holding them back. The person is so close to making a life changing decision. Tread with caution and don’t push them over the edge. Be helpful and supportive. Personality type will help dictate if this is the best time for a formal intervention or not. If they are secluded, isolated, shy, or have anxiety or depression, then a formal intervention with lots of people might be a bad idea at this point.

* They Accept their Addiction and Will do Almost Anything You Suggest - This is complete surrender, and represents someone who is ready to change. Get them to a treatment center or a twelve step meeting.

Practicing Detachment

Confrontation addiction
Photo by Dev Null

One of the key principles that will help you in dealing with a struggling alcoholic or drug addict is detachment. The idea behind it is to separate yourself emotionally from the damaging effects of your relationship with the addict or alcoholic. It is not the same as complete disassociation or abandoning the relationship. The idea is to care for them while detaching emotionally. You can care for them but not feel like you are responsible for them. In other words, you are specifically trying to not get all wrapped up emotionally by an addicts destructive behaviors.

This is difficult.

Practicing detachment should make it easier over time. Here are some things that you can do in order to practice detachment with the struggling addict in your life:

-Don’t do things that they should be doing themselves.

-Don’t bend over backwards to rescue them or save them from natural consequences.

-Don’t cover up for their mistakes or embarrassing situations.

-Don’t rescue them from crisis or financial situations.

-Don’t try to fix them.

-Let go of any guilt you may have about them

Detachment is not about denying your emotions. If someone close to you dies, for example, you will probably feel sad. You can’t choose this feeling. It simply is. But we do have the power to affect the intensity of this feeling, by focusing on the positive aspects of the situation. We can also change our thinking in an attempt to eradicate irrational beliefs that might be contributing to our emotional turmoil.

The goal is not to go without emotions, the goal is to achieve some level of emotional stability. We are detaching from the negative, irrational thoughts that stir up our emotions–like the guilt we might have if we think someone’s addiction is our fault.
Detachment is difficult and takes practice. I urge you to find local Al-Anon meetings and get involved with them, as those are the people who can help you the most. For some excellent follow-up reading, I highly suggest “Helping Family Members with Addiction“, which is a short but helpful article written by a doctor from Harvard.

Also, you might want to check out this book by Melody Beattie that is pretty much the industry standard in how to care for yourself when dealing with someone who is addicted. I highly recommend picking this book up if you have any sort of relationship with someone who is addicted to drugs or alcohol. Good luck to everyone out there and God bless.

How Can I Help An Alcoholic or Drug Addict? - Specific Things You Can Do To Help

How to do an Intervention for a Drug Addict or Alcoholic

How to Convince Someone that they are an Alcoholic or Drug Addict

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The following article has great information. My Aunt and Uncle are currently struggling with their addicted 23 year old daughter. The problem is that the parents just arn’t willing to stop enabling her. Even though the pain is so severe for them. It seems that they might need to endure a bit more. They are really emeshed and not ready to detach…

Your article summarizes what is the only way to deal with an addict. I have a son who is 24 and is on a slippery slope again. The article about not stagnating describes him completely. He actually said that to me verbatum recently regarding his life. He is the sort of person that has to be doing new and intersting things or he gets bored…I didn’t realize that it was a personality trait of an addict.
I attended alanon for a year regularly and now go from time to time but I can’t agree enough how much attending helps change your mindset. For me the guilt thing is huge and I am finally being able to slowly not let it dominate me to such a large degree.
Good articles and coming from a recovering addict, it holds a lot of weight.
Thanks

Thanks for your comment, Gail. Your situation with your son reminds me of my own…I finally got clean and sober when I was 25 years old and have managed to stick now for 7 years plus. I am definitely not stagnating in my recovery and it sounds like you are making growth in your own life….hopefully your son can find the path soon, it’s not fair that others suffer for someone’s addiction. Please don’t feel guilty about it, that’s just crazy!

Hang in there and good luck to you and your son. God bless.

Great article. I really needed this. My friend that im trying to help is a heroin addict. She knows that she has a problem but is only willing to change under her own terms. I have been doing everything in my power to help her with no success. The lack of improvement has been wearing me down emotionally for months. I’ve had 2 emotional breaks, the last one just 4 days ago. I’ve been taking xanax to control my anxiety over the situation and have noticed recently that I have been drinking alot more than I normally do which scares me. This article has shown me I need to take care of myself first and has given me a clearer approach to how I can help my friend. Wish I found this site 3 months ago. Thanks

Hi there Chris

Thanks for your comment. It sounds like you do need to take a look at your own self-medicating behaviors as well, that is great that you realize that for yourself and now you can take action and do something about it. Sometimes we can get so wrapped up in trying to save others that we forget to save ourselves….this is a really common thing actually in relationships that involve addictions. I hope you and your friend can both find a path to healing. Good luck and God bless.

Trying to detach from daughter who is cross addicted and is being abused by husband. She has attempted suicide and suffered brain damage. For 2 yrs. I’ve been driving myself to verge of breakdown and I know from reading the above, I need help!! going to find meeting, thank you

Yes, get to an Al-Anon meeting, Mary, and hopefully you can get some genuine support from the people there. Good luck to you and your daughter, try to stay positive….I know it’s tough. God bless.

My daughters father is in his 5th month in AA recovering after a very long time from opiates and alcohol. His personality is completed changed to mean, threatening, more selfish than before..He was never mean and threatening. Is this normal?

Hi there CJ

The fact that he is mean and threatening might be a fairly typical experience, actually. Certainly there is an adjustment period for any recovering addict or alcoholic. I personally went on a roller coaster for the entire first year, with ups and downs and getting very depressed at times. I tended to get sad and become withdrawn. Others might react with frustration and anger.

There are a lot of possible reasons for this up-and-down roller coaster of emotions in early recovery. One is the chemical withdrawal itself, which can have much longer term effects than most people have heard about. Another is the emotional loss of the drugs and alcohol. Furthermore, I just plain had to learn how to live again; how to feel comfortable in my own skin. I didn’t just get sober one day and then the next everything was all peaches and cream. It took a bit of time to open up and come out of my shell and start to appreciate the simple things in life again.

Thanks again for your comment CJ and good luck to you (and him!) on your journey.

I am glad to have found this site, although I don’t think I’m ready to quit yet, it’s nice to know there are people out there to listen and offer advice.
Thanks!

Thank you for all the information. I will be reading “codependant no more”. I ave just separated with my fiance of 3 years. He is in a 30-day rehab facility as we speak. This is something that he wanted, and I pray he is on the right path to recovery. As I still love him dearly, he knows that I am still here to support him, but will have to do so from a distance. Am I doing the right thing for him??

It sounds like you are on a path to a healthier relationship, Melissa. I don’t know the ultimate answer for you and your fiance, but it sounds like he is taking some healthy steps if he is in residential treatment. Hopefully that will produce a positive change for him, but remember to take care of YOU through all of this…

It sounds like you are being supportive in the right way. Maybe you could seek out an Al-anon group though and get even more help and guidance from them? Anyway, good luck to you and God bless.

I was introduced to your blog by Bill Urell - it looks really interesting and I will spend some time here. I have a 28 yr old alcoholic son who is now sober for several months, after more than 10 yrs of craziness. He has been through 30 day rehabs 5 times, spent the past year in supervised environment, relapsing regularly - what finally made the difference was we got him out of town so he no longer had an enabling community for his addiction. He crashed very hard but has now woken up, thanks to a tough sponsor and local AA support. The best thing I ever read on this subject was called “Don’t Help” - which outlines the disease model and shows how gradually tolerance levels increase until they plateau, and the alcoholic loses everything on the first drink. My son now tells his coworkers who want him to join the party, “if I do that, you will never see me again.” I pray for his recovery and hope for his future every day, but we learned not to “help” and that has made the difference.

Hi there Chickenlil

Yes Bill has an awesome website and he is genuinely helping a ton of people out with it.

Your son sounds an awful lot like me and my story….I did about 10 years of craziness as well before finally getting clean and sober. I think you are on to something too when we talk about helping an addict by “not helping.” Sometimes we need to find our own bottom without our loved ones saving us every time…

Good luck to you and your son, and thank you so much for the comment.

I have a son that will be 33 in 1 wk. He has been out of the hospital 4 times in 2 months. The Dr’s say he won’t see another 2 years. He says-he has to do it his way. I am ready for a breakdown & will start seeing a therapist next. When I think of burying myonly son, I don’t think I’ll be able to go on myself. I know I HAVE to go, I also have a daughter that is very ill with RA. I wish I had some simple solutions.

Hi there Susan

It sounds like you are in the same exact position my mom was in before I finally got clean and sober. Sorry you’re going through this, I can only guess how awful it is to watch your child self-destruct.

My parents were attending an Al-Anon group and got some support there. They met some people who really tried to help them, and it did help, but that won’t change what your son is doing.

There is no magic wand.

But there is hope. I was blessed with sobriety, seemingly out of nowhere, and I’ve been clean and sober now for over 7 years and counting.

My only real suggestions for you are to pray and to find support in groups such as Al-Anon. Good luck to you and your son and God bless.

Glad I found this web site. My boyfriend is an alcoholic. He was sober for 1yr 3months. Then all of a sudden he started drinking again. I didn’t relize that what wrong things I was doing for him, until I read what was said on this site. Little things that I didn’t think twice about doing for him. Boy was I making a mistake. It is hard to say no to him. Just thought it was easier to do then to fight with him. We just got in a huge fight today name calling and all. Maybe it is over for the two of us now. I love him and I know he loves me. But his drinking is getting worse and I can’t handle it anymore. I know I am not to blame now!!! He says he wants to get help but it is hard. Is this just an excuse? It needs to be on his terms only???? Please help me!!

Hi there PJ

I’m glad you found this site as well. Sounds like you are in a tough situation. Your last question at the end tells the whole story: if he is insisting that he gets “help” on his own terms, then he is not ready to stop drinking. Period. I know this, because I was in the same boat, still drinking, while my friends and family kept urging me to get help. But I was scared and stubborn and I would only take “help” on my own terms, so I continued to drink.

The key is surrender. I had a moment when I stopped fighting everything, I just put up my hands and said “enough.” And it was a relief because I knew I was done with the madness for a while. That was my moment of surrender. And I went to my loved ones and said “I will do anything you tell me to, I want to stop. Tell me what to do.” See the difference? That’s surrender. You ask for help.

I sincerely hope he can get to this point and ask for help and change his life. As for you, PJ, I think the best thing for you to do is to get to an Al-Anon meeting. They can help you more than I can. Good luck to you and God bless.

I could use some experienced guidance.
My father is a chronic, severe alcoholic for 40+ years. Most of that time I lived abroad and only saw him on yearly visits. I’ve recently moved back to the town he lives in and reside only a couple blocks away. We’ve always had a good bond. Even drunk, he’s gentle, shy and quite stubborn.
For the past year he has been off on compensation after a severe work injury that left him partially crippled and in constant pain. During this year he also began abusing prescription meds.
Last night he had another incident that is becoming all too common. severely drunk he wandered into the kitchen naked, peed all over the floor and fell down - causing another injury. He was so out of it he couldn’t remember where his bedroom was or how to get there.
Today when he was a “bit more sober” we had a long talk. I pointed to his drink and introduced it as his “master” and told him exactly where this slavery was leading and that I just don’t have the strength to watch that happen to him.
He has agreed to go to his doctor on Monday (he has the appointment) and ask for help to get into a dry-out program. I stuck with the subject until he agreed that HE had to do it for HIS OWN LIFE and not because it was what I said to do. He’s still in denial though on the seriousness of the addiction.

His appointment is 3 days away. I’ve promised to come and visit him tommorow evening. Now I feel stuck though. I don’t know whether to press the subject more, bring it up again - talk about it further??? I don’t want to see him forget about it or change his mind. It’s also a weekend and we live in a small town so services aren’t available until Monday.

Any advice? Guidance? Experience with this? I will take it all under advisement and appreciate any responses.

Hi there Kate

Not an easy situation. There are no blanket statements or automatic strategies in this case, you have to carefully assess the situation and your relationship with your father. You know him, we do not. How will he react if you press him on it? Is there the potential that he will shut down completely and refuse treatment altogether? If you think that’s a likely response, then you might not want to push things.

But you know him, we do not. Maybe he needs the push. Maybe you truly know in your heart that he is not ready to change, but you are looking for a way to try to force that change or wake him up somehow.

I think it would be helpful for you to get help at an Al-Anon meeting if you don’t already attend. They can talk with you about these kinds of specifics and get into more detail with you. It is such a tricky line for knowing how hard to push against someone that is struggling like this, you don’t know if you can force a change or if it will alienate them from you. If they are close to completely self destructing, that might tip the balance for you and you might decide to pull out all the stops and do everything you can to force them into treatment by taking away any options. We’re not always in a position to be able to do this though, and sometimes it doesn’t work anyway.

Just a tough situation, you’ll have to judge for yourself how much to push him, hopefully he will concede to treatment and go get detoxed somewhere. Good luck to you Kate. I wish I could be more helpful in situations like this.

My 26 yr old son has been abusing alcohol and marijuana for 8 yrs. He is highly gifted with a very high I.Q. He has recently failed all classes at the University and has come home to live with us again. My husband and I told him that if he doesn’t get help (we are willing to pay for rehab) he must move out. Well, he wants it on his terms. Says he’d like to quit drinking but wants to continue to smoke weed on weekends. We told him he has 2 weeks to move out. We love him so much and only want to help him. He isn’t talking to us now and is putting the blame on us. (says if we really loved him we wouldn’t make him leave) Did we make the right decison?

Wow, Deb, that sounds so much like my own story that it is downright scary. That was basically my exact situation at one point, and I told my parents I would continue smoking weed forever, and they said that was unacceptable. I told them that I was willing to hit the street and become homeless….over weed! Now this was early in my addiction but I think it points to a greater truth: anyone who is willing to forgo shelter for a drug (any drug) is definitely an addict. In my situation, I actually moved in with some friends at work and started drinking and smoking dope with them every day.

This is such a tough call and there is no right answer, but I think you probably made the best decision, for both him and yourself, and I think it was the healthiest decision. If you let him stay then it would be enabling on your part, propping up his easy lifestyle and drug use. At least if he moves out he will have to “own” his drug use and the choices he makes and the consequences that they bring. Forcing him to move out will bring reality to face him that much quicker. I think it’s the right move, but it’s an awfully tough situation, I know. Prayers for you and your son, God bless.

My partner is an alcoholic and it is very tough for me,We were living together for 1 and half years.I understand little bit about alcoholic.I did everything for him to make him under control.I tried also to kept his money and cards so he couldnt use it to buy an alcohol but when I came home from work everything at home was gone he sold it!Infact,2 days ago he started drinking again and I made up my mind to send him to a hotel and get a room and drinks for him as how much as he can drink and I’ll pay the bill after the drinking period. For me,I think this is the better way to help him and help for myself because I am working everyday atleast when I am not with him he is safe.For now this is the better way I can do for him.I need more advice…thanks!

I have just been through 6 months of hell by dating an alcoholic-addict. When I met him he was 3 months into recovery, he had a decent job, and he was the nicest, sweetest, smartest, most beautiful guy I ever met. He was honest with me upfront — told me he was in rehab and he was in fact an addict. At first I was a little apprehensive, but when I got to know him a little bit more I decided I was okay with it…he was in recovery after all. He seemed stable and he did his job very well. He was religiously going to AA and NA meetings every day, more than once sometimes. He prayed every night. He phoned his mother every day. He was too good to be true.

Needless to say,we “fell in love” quicker than one can bat an eyelash and we became almost inseparable. Pretty soon he moved in with me. He’d drive us to and from work together, we lived together, we went to the gym together, we did everything together. Everything was good. This went on for a month. Then he started to relapse for god knows what reason.

He started to drink and use crack again. I didn’t know how to handle it, I just stood by him and waited for him to get over the little bump in the road. I was hoping it would be just a phase and that he would wake up soon and continue with his program. I waited for 6 whole months!!!!!!!! I’ve sat and watched him throw his life away. First he lost his car, then his job, then he started losing his things. He kept his clothes at my place, but I told him he couldn’t live with me anymore. He stayed over every now and then throughout the past 5 months and we would have totally normal moments. We’d watch movies, take a walk in the park, he would cook and bake…totally normal and fun things that made me fall more in love with him despite the fact that in reality he was still spiralling down into a blackhole. I tried to give him something positive to hold on to. He is a guy that lives in a shelter! I wanted to give him a break. Apparently it all meant nothing. Because he is neck deep in his addiction. Despite wanting to change, he is unable to. He’s been phoning a rehab everyday to try to get in, but it won’t be another month or so till he gets in. Meanwhile, he has been going out on a rampage — drinking and drugging and even stealing. A month ago, he stole money over $1000 from my roommate, and I had to pay him off or lose my home! Also I didnt want to get him arrested. I don’t understand why I do these things for him. He has caused me pain, though he had never intentionally harmed me, his addiction has taken a life of its own! Just being with him is risky. Today, he finally picked up all of his things from my place and left.I let him go. I feel abandoned somehow…like all my help and patience were for nothing. that everything I did was worth nothing. I feel horrible, but I know this is probably for the best. I need to hear it from other people who have gone through the same experience …. will it be better from now on?

Hi DAZE,

Our experienced were exactly the same.When I read your comment I really feel like you know my story is.lol. As what I am telling on my first comment he is in the hotel now until now, I sent him in the hotel so I can work my job properly.I call him every now and then.
I fact, After an hour I will come to him to visit to pay the bill and to change his clothes before I go to work.I really don’t know if I can keep doing the same thing in the future,sometimes I had a feeling to gave up but when I remembered how he takes cared of me, he treated me like a baby, an angel,he loves me so much,he supported me from head to toe and I really love him.That is why I am still with him until now.Please help me to pray as soon as possible.

Hi there Dazed and April

I am sorry to hear about both of your situations. Daze, when you spoke about falling in love with him and then the relapse, this is something that I have seen over and over again while living in long term treatment. Out of all the guys I lived with who were recovering, practically all of them went out and eventually relapsed, and it was always always always over a relationship.

Relationships are so tricky in early recovery. Most people don’t realize how they replace spiritual growth, but they do. That’s why it’s a good idea to wait for a period of time, maybe six months or a year, before getting into a relationship in early recovery. I have seen so many people relapse because of the emotional roller coaster that it is just crazy.

The tricky part is because a new relationship feels so good. It really is a replacement for the drug itself, and substitutes for the growth that one experiences from seeking a connection with a higher power.

I wish I had more wisdom for both of you but all I can say is that relationships in early recovery are extremely dangerous. The only advice would be to take things much slower than usual or simply wait a while. Thank you both for your comments and good luck to you…..God bless

2 days ago my best friends husband went into a detox center. He says that he is ready for a rehab center. I have a real hard time believing anything he says, even when he is doing well. Last night my friend and I attended a local NA meeting. We are not addicts ourselves, but seeing those people have hope, gave us hope. Going to that meeting was one of the best things we could have done. Since we are not addicted, we were asked not to speak, but we didnt need to. Hearing that there is others dealing with this is very helpful. We will go to a Nar-Anon meeting, but its in another town. Hearing it straight from an addict made alot of things clear for us. Its a horrible, terminal disease. But its not hopeless. There is a big difference between letting go and giving up. This article re-enforces that, so thank you.

Patrick,
I may not have read this too thouroughly, but in your last comment you talk about relapse after relationships. My question is, what do you do when your already married and its a new thing? Should you get out and start over later? I think that would be more detrimental. We are just so lost and are looking for any kind of support and advice there is. Anything is helpful at this point. I know relationships are no good for a new recoverer, but how do you deal when the relationship is alreday established? Thank you.

That is a good question, Lee, and I’ve wondered about that myself. The answer to it has come through watching others around me in my recovery.

Obviously, people who are married don’t have to get divorced simply because they got clean and sober. It’s very possible (and exciting) when a recovering addict or alcoholic can get clean and grow with their spouse. This is very possible; I’ve seen it happen. I’ve seen it work out.

Of course it doesn’t always work out, and sometimes people split up or drift away or grow apart. This happens quite a bit, actually, and it usually has to do with codependency issues. One person gets clean, and starts to grow and become more healthy and assertive. The other half of the relationship probably doesn’t even realize that they were codependent and fed off the others reckless behavior in addiction. So sometimes one person getting clean can sort of bring both people to their senses and they might realize that they really are not right for each other. I’ve seen this happen more often than not.

But if the addict is married or in a long term relationship, there is real potential for making things work if they manage to stay clean, no doubt about it. You gotta have hope! Good luck to you Lee and thanks so much for your comment.

We all really appreciate your answer. They let him out of detox yesterday and we went to an NA meeting almost immediately after release. He actually stood up and talked, which I didnt think he would his first time. He was brutally honest about his need for drugs or any substance, addmitted his need for help. I like to think its a great sign, but its still hard to trust it. Like they said last night in the meeting, only think of today. Today he is trying. Today he is working the steps. It just kills us that tomorrow is uncertain. It takes alot of time and effort and hope! LAst night after the meeting, 5 men came up to him and really showed support, gave them their numbers, and he got a sponsor. I think its great for him to be around positive people, people who are addicts, but sober. It gives us hope. I dont know what its like to struggle with that kind of thing, but I know from a non addict point of view, and its painful for us. Cant imagine what he has to endure with this. After realizing that we are not alone, it uplifted us emensly. Ive never felt so alone and misunderstood in my life. Im sure he feels the same way, so its good to have people who care. Thank you very much for your response. I have shared this website with my friends. I know they will have questions in the near future. ITs good to mot be so alone.

He relapsed already last night. Not even 12 hours out of detox. what are we supposed to do now? its like beating a dead horse. im exhausted. Im not sure what else I can do now.

I’m so sorry Lee. I relapsed many times before I “got it.” I don’t have any wisdom for you, I’m afraid. Sometimes you have to let people fall down a bit. I can recommend 3 things for you at this point:

1) Look after your own sanity first.

2) Get to an Al-Anon meeting.

3) Pray.

Hang in there and keep us posted. Prayers for you and for him.

Thanks to everyone who replied.

Patrick, I feel so sad to hear you say that. I wish i had known better than to give in to emotions. If only we had taken things slow…sigh.

What you said made sense though. I think he tried to use me as a substitute for something — the drug or higher power or whatnot. But of course it failed. I tried to be the best that i can be to him, I tried to be the best friend ever. I know that he tried to be content and happy too with me. But that was not enough. He has to be strong enough himself, and not rely on an external source for strength. Now I’m not too sure whether he really loved me, or did he simply love the idea of being in love because he got a high from it.

He kept promising it would get better and that he would change. Yet he kept yielding to his cravings, it was so frustrating!

i’ve learned a difficult and painful lesson from this, Love does not always conquer all. Especially not addiction.

Sorry again for your loss, Dazed. Yes, we can substitute a relationship for our drug of choice because new relationships feel so good at first. They bring a euphoria all their own, and we think that the good feeling will last forever, that the good feeling is unique to this situation because we have just found the most perfect person in the world, and so it will always be peaches and cream. Of course this isn’t true, there are always ups and downs, and there are always going to be days (for an addict) when they are struggling with life or just having a bad day and the new relationship-high will have worn off a bit. That is when addiction pounces if the person doesn’t have some level of spiritual grounding.

This idea of spirituality overcoming addiction has to come from within–an outside relationship is merely a substitute for it. Just my observation on those I’ve seen in the program who have found success.

Anyway, thanks so much for sharing with us, hopefully your story can benefit others. It sounds like you are going to be a stronger person as well, Dazed. Thanks so much for your comment.

Thanks for the honesty here. My brother’s son (adopted) just turned 18 upon his release from a facility to help him with his addictions (alcohol mainly). My brother and his wife are devastated by this child’s rebellion, as he refuses to go back to ‘program’ and refuses to move in with them again (can’t blame him there but that’s another story). In the meantime, I keep hearing what seems to me a monster excuse–’we just don’t understand the mind of an addict.’ Or, “He’s an addict…” as if that’s an excuse to do what he’s doing: the lying, stealing, manipulation, etc. Part of me is like get over yourself already, part of me wants to whack him upside his head, and another part of me wonders how a kid can become an addict so early. Is there really such a thing as the mind of an addict??? Help me here..

Thank you for your comments.

I think I’ve learned to detach myself, hence, I’ve broken up with the guy and got rid of all romantic notions. He understands the reason why we broke up and he is distancing himself from me to protect me.

I saw him the other day, quite by accident, after a long time of not hearing anything from him. I felt so relieved! I just stepped out the balcony and there he was, walking down the street! He has been on my mind since we said goodbye so I couldn’t resist not talking to him.

He is living in a shelter now and is in very bad shape. He is currently waiting to get into rehab, but is having a hard time during the wait. It will be 2 more weeks. He admits he is an addict, and he hates his addiction. But then he tells me that he can’t just stop cold turkey because his body craves it and he is not strong enough yet to resist. He says once he gets into rehab and gets some programming, in, he will be able to change his life. I don’t know if this is what you would call “surrender”?I told him I’ll have to see it to believe it…

Anyway, he is my friend and I could not say goodbye totally despite the horror I’ve been through with him. Is this a bad decision to still be in touch with him? I feel sorry for him, but now I know that all I can do is wish him the best and be there for him to talk to. He says that talking to me gives him hope…

People have told me that addicts have no capacity to feel real emotions. Does knowing that people care actually help them in these situations?

Hi, DazedandDistraught,
If you think you can be strong enough to be kind and civil to him without getting tied up with his problems and manipulations, then I’d say to go for it. What’s the harm in being kind? If you start to sense that he’s interpreting your kindness for weakness, or if you begin to notice that he’s taking your helpfulness as a sign you are ready to resume the relationship, I’d say do not encourage it. Back away, surefootedly and determinedly. Who knows what the future will bring? Right now, however, it seems too early in his recovery efforts to be buying into any possible talk about his being recovered and “changed” and will do right by you this time around. It’s probably going to take a significant, consistent amount of “straight time” before he can sell that line again, but who’s to say that time won’t come? Eventually he’s going to get tired of his main vice and will probably give it 100%, but you will know when that happens, I suspect. And if you’re still available and still care for him (in a romantic sense), then perhaps it will all work out for the best.

I’m not sure if that is correct - the statement that addicts have no capacity to feel. It’s probably true that when they’re loaded up on their drug of choice they don’t feel too much. In their sober moments, however, they do - or, rather, many of them do have the capacity to feel. The problem is usually this: Their feelings often are in relation to THEM, e.g., how they feel when someone slights them or criticizes/ridicules them, or doesn’t greet them on the street, or how they have no friends (the “Nobody loves me” syndrome, etc.).
I remember reading a book about Alcoholism many years ago. This was before all addicts were lumped into the same category; the book differentiated between alcoholics and drug-addicted people, saying that alcoholics tend to be more self centered, as a rule, and that the self centeredness is what causes them to appear to have very shallow feelings, if any at all. The book was saying, in essence, that the alcoholic might not show emotion - or feel emotion - but it’s not because of the alcohol, per se; it’s because of his or her self-absorbed personality.
Certainly this cannot be a generalization. That would be grossly unfair to alcoholics and chemically-addicted people everywhere. There are always exceptions and we are ALL different, despite the sameness of our disease.
I wish you the best; and if it’s meant to happen with him, it will — when the time is right.

Thanks Inapew.

I have been scorned by friends for consistently being a friend to this person.

I am a person who tries to abide by universal moral laws. What this person has become (on drugs) is against everything that I believe in, and yet when I see something in him — a flicker of hope? A hopeless desire to change? –that is enough to make me want to stand by him and try to help as much as I can.

I am confused and in a constant state of tug of war in my head. To help or not to help? Is it all a lost cause?

I guess only time will tell…

Dazed, thank you so much for your continuing input on this thread. It sounds like you are making some real progress in how you’re going to handle things from here on out.

Inapew, thank you so much for jumping in here and offering your insights. I completely relate to your observations about addicts and how they “feel” their feelings….in a very self-centered and self-serving way, usually. But I can truly say that as a using addict, I wanted to change and stop hurting my loved ones, but I was genuinely trapped in the cycle of addiction….I thought I would die if I stopped self-medicating. I knew I was hurting others with my behavior but I could not see a way out. It’s not that I was a selfish and careless person, it’s just that I was trapped in a mode where I could not put anything else above my addiction. My drugs had to come first.

Thanks to both of your for your comments on this thread. I’m working on a follow up post to incorporate some of your ideas as well.

I know what you mean about the cycle. It’s vicious! People who don’t ‘use’ will find it hard to understand. I know I did. I learnt to though, I had to if I wanted to preserve my sanity. One minute he was in a state of readiness to quit, but the next he just disappears off to god knows where to get a fix. It is CRAZY. It is not that the addict doesn’t mean what he says, but they are simply powerless to resist the call of their addiction. I learned not to take each action as an offense to myself, i am not making excuses for him either, it just is what it is. He is stuck in a rut right now… but in the long run, if he doesnt try as hard as he can to break the cycle (and it is possible! right, patrick?), that just will not suffice.

Perhaps it’s Serendipity, I will read this over. I want to help someone that has been addicted to Codeine (over the counter bottles of Tylenol compound) for possibly 15-18 years.
I just found out.
Do you know how serious this kind of addiction is? Any suggestion?

My son is an addict. He has been through rehab twice. The second just a little over a month ago. He went because he got married and is going to be a father. He decided yesterday to get messed up again. He is 26 his wife is 23. None of us know what to do. Not only is it him now he has two other lives he is responsible for. He is on probabtion for a possession charge from 1 year ago. But he isn’t getting it. I am at my wits end. He has went through thousands of dollars. Sold everything he can to buy pills. Does anyone have any suggestions. I live five hours away from him. But I don’t seem to do anything but make him angry when I question him. Help

[…] Is there a struggling addict or alcoholic in your life that you care about? If so, then learn more about how to help an addict. […]

Hi there Susan

Sorry to hear about your son and his struggles. You are in a very common situation though. Perhaps you can find help and support at Al-Anon meetings.

You say he has been through rehab twice. Of course, there is no magic number, but I “got it” on my third time around through rehab, and that seems to be a common occurrence with addicts. It takes a few tries. So don’t give up hope.

Being 5 hours away makes it difficult, because every time you communicate it probably seems like you are nagging him. I don’t know how to fix that, other than to say that you should show support and encourage him to get help (which he might take as nagging, I know). There’s just no way around it. Hopefully something will change and a light will go off in his head, and he will ask for help. If he does ask for help, is there a general plan in place? Does his wife know of a treatment center that she can call to possibly get him in? Those might be things to look into.

Good luck to you and your son, and thanks for your comment.

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