#1 - Understand addiction in order to help addicts
This is a logical and very necessary first step. Before you can learn how best to help a struggling addict or alcoholic, you need to understand the nature of addiction. There are several models of addiction that attempt to describe what it is and why it affects people, but none of those models are entirely accurate. Many people have heard of the disease model, which does a fairly decent job of describing what we see in the real world. For example, even addicts or alcoholics who have stayed clean for several decades can relapse and be right back to their old level of consumption within a matter of days.
Also note that addiction can affect potentially anyone, including those who:
-Have no apparent genetic predisposition for addiction or alcoholism
-Have very little environmental risk
-Have no moral shortcomings or laziness about them
Even if you do not believe in the disease model, learning more about addiction help is a necessary foundation in learning about how you can potentially help a struggling addict or alcoholic. If you want to know how to help alcoholics then you need to learn about the condition.
#2 - Get help yourself in order to help the addict
Photo by Ahmad Kavousian
We cannot control a drug addict or an alcoholic, but we can control our own behavior–including how we behave in relationship to a sick and suffering (and possibly manipulative) addict or alcoholic. Therefore, the best thing that you can do if you want to help someone in your life is to get yourself to an Al-Anon meeting. The people there can listen to your situation and give you the best specific advice on how to go about handling things. Educating yourself on how to set limits and boundaries is one of the most important things that you can do in this case.
#3 - Establish boundaries and set limits with the addict
One example of setting a boundary is telling a close friend that you prefer they not be around you if they are drunk or high. Notice that it is specific, and you have to sit down and communicate this type of request explicitly with someone. Setting a boundary like this is difficult because there is this tendency to hurt other’s feelings. But that is part of what is keeping you sick–caring more about this person’s feelings than your own personal well being. Setting boundaries is about putting your own personal well being first, and letting that be a guiding example of how to live. You know you are setting effective boundaries when you are taking back control of your own life and starting to regain your own sanity–instead of being all wrapped up in the problems of a struggling drug addict or alcoholic. This is a crucial distance you must learn to keep when learning how to help a recovering drug addict.
#4 - Confronting the addict
Any time that you casually approach this struggling addict or talk with them about the possibility of getting help is an example of an informal intervention. This might not sound like a very useful option compared to a more formal and organized intervention, but nonetheless it can be very effective. In my own personal experience, I finally decided to ask for addiction help and thus changed my whole life after a simple phone conversation with a family member. The reason for this was because timing was everything. Previously, a formal intervention had failed, because I simply had not been ready to make a change at that time. But a key conversation happened at just the right moment, and it set in motion a series of life changing events for me.
Does this mean that you should pester someone incessantly until they get clean and sober? Probably not. Helping an addict is never that straightforward. But you should never give up hope on them, and you should have a consistent message for them without badgering them. Make sure they know that help is available for them if and when they want it.
#5 - Organize a Formal Intervention
This is what most people think of when they hear the term “intervention,” where the friends and family of an addict all get together and confront that person together and urge them to get help. This is not necessarily the best choice though. There is a lot of evidence that an addict or alcoholic will only change when they personally come to their own point of surrender. A formal intervention does not bring a person to this point. Many would argue that the intervention would only work if the person is already at this critical point of surrender. Nevertheless, some formal interventions have been successful at persuading people to get clean and sober. Here is a full guide to planning and organizing a formal intervention.
Assess a Person’s Addiction in Order to Determine the Correct Approach
A friend or loved one who is caught up in the cycle of addiction has to be approached in the right way. We all know how worthless it is for advice to fall on deaf ears, and this is bound to be the case with certain approaches in trying to help struggling addicts. But there are specific, proactive actions that you can take regardless of where your loved one is at in their addiction. There are no hard and fast rules here because different personality types will call for different approaches. One valuable guideline might be to always use a caring approach instead of a threatening one. Consider the different levels of denial and willingness to change that an addict or alcoholic might have:
* Complete Denial - If a person is in complete denial of their addiction, then there is little that you can do other than focus on your own behaviors and actions. The best that you can do in this case might be to communicate your boundaries with the person and let it be known that you won’t be bailing them out of any jams. A formal intervention is unlikely to produce an immediate change, although it might be a step in letting the person know how much everyone cares for them. In some cases, a formal intervention might be an unhealthy move on your part…better to take care of yourself at this point and simply establish healthy boundaries with the person.
* They are Admitting to their Problem, but are Reluctant to take action - This is the difference between admitting and accepting that they have an addiction. This person is technically still in denial, but they just aren’t willing to change yet. The fear of change, the fear of life without chemicals is too great for them, even though they know that they have a real problem. They are caught between a rock and a hard place.
I was in this state for several years, but was scared to get help and make a change. I was terrified of the thought of facing life without drugs and alcohol. What finally got me to ask for help and change my life was a simple, informal conversation with a family member over the phone. This is what finally “did the trick,” whereas a full scale formal intervention in the past had failed. But also realize that the formal intervention might have been a critical part of the journey.
* They Admit to their Problem and Say they are Willing to Change, but only on Their Own Terms - This is still denial, but in its sneakiest form. The person has agreed to address their addiction and says that they are willing to change. They might even have a genuine willingness to change. But the problem is that they are only going to change on their own terms.
Fear is holding them back. The person is so close to making a life changing decision. Tread with caution and don’t push them over the edge. Be helpful and supportive. Personality type will help dictate if this is the best time for a formal intervention or not. If they are secluded, isolated, shy, or have anxiety or depression, then a formal intervention with lots of people might be a bad idea at this point. If you want to know how to help drug addicts then you have to learn to figure out how hard you can press up against this wall of fear. It can be a tricky balance to attain.
* They Accept their Addiction and Will do Almost Anything You Suggest - This is complete surrender, and represents someone who is ready to change. Get them to a treatment center or a twelve step meeting.
Practicing Detachment
Photo by Dev Null
One of the key principles that will help you in dealing with a struggling alcoholic or drug addict is detachment. The idea behind it is to separate yourself emotionally from the damaging effects of your relationship with the addict or alcoholic. It is not the same as complete disassociation or abandoning the relationship. The idea is to care for them while detaching emotionally. You can care for them but not feel like you are responsible for them. In other words, you are specifically trying to not get all wrapped up emotionally by an addicts destructive behaviors.
This is difficult.
Practicing detachment should make it easier over time. Here are some things that you can do in order to practice detachment with the struggling addict in your life:
-Don’t do things that they should be doing themselves.
-Don’t bend over backwards to rescue them or save them from natural consequences.
-Don’t cover up for their mistakes or embarrassing situations.
-Don’t rescue them from crisis or financial situations.
-Don’t try to fix them.
-Let go of any guilt you may have about them
Detachment is not about denying your emotions. If someone close to you dies, for example, you will probably feel sad. You can’t choose this feeling. It simply is. But we do have the power to affect the intensity of this feeling, by focusing on the positive aspects of the situation. We can also change our thinking in an attempt to eradicate irrational beliefs that might be contributing to our emotional turmoil.
The goal is not to go without emotions, the goal is to achieve some level of emotional stability. We are detaching from the negative, irrational thoughts that stir up our emotions–like the guilt we might have if we think someone’s addiction is our fault.
Detachment is difficult and takes practice. I urge you to find local Al-Anon meetings and get involved with them, as those are the people who can help you the most. For some excellent follow-up reading, I highly suggest “Helping Family Members with Addiction“, which is a short but helpful article written by a doctor from Harvard.
Also, you might want to check out this book by Melody Beattie that is pretty much the industry standard in how to care for yourself when dealing with someone who is addicted. I highly recommend picking this book up if you have any sort of relationship with someone who is addicted or just want to learn more about how to help alcoholics. Good luck to everyone out there and God bless.
{ 213 comments… read them below or add one }
The following article has great information. My Aunt and Uncle are currently struggling with their addicted 23 year old daughter. The problem is that the parents just arn’t willing to stop enabling her. Even though the pain is so severe for them. It seems that they might need to endure a bit more. They are really emeshed and not ready to detach…
Your article summarizes what is the only way to deal with an addict. I have a son who is 24 and is on a slippery slope again. The article about not stagnating describes him completely. He actually said that to me verbatum recently regarding his life. He is the sort of person that has to be doing new and intersting things or he gets bored…I didn’t realize that it was a personality trait of an addict.
I attended alanon for a year regularly and now go from time to time but I can’t agree enough how much attending helps change your mindset. For me the guilt thing is huge and I am finally being able to slowly not let it dominate me to such a large degree.
Good articles and coming from a recovering addict, it holds a lot of weight.
Thanks
Thanks for your comment, Gail. Your situation with your son reminds me of my own…I finally got clean and sober when I was 25 years old and have managed to stick now for 7 years plus. I am definitely not stagnating in my recovery and it sounds like you are making growth in your own life….hopefully your son can find the path soon, it’s not fair that others suffer for someone’s addiction. Please don’t feel guilty about it, that’s just crazy!
Hang in there and good luck to you and your son. God bless.
Great article. I really needed this. My friend that im trying to help is a heroin addict. She knows that she has a problem but is only willing to change under her own terms. I have been doing everything in my power to help her with no success. The lack of improvement has been wearing me down emotionally for months. I’ve had 2 emotional breaks, the last one just 4 days ago. I’ve been taking xanax to control my anxiety over the situation and have noticed recently that I have been drinking alot more than I normally do which scares me. This article has shown me I need to take care of myself first and has given me a clearer approach to how I can help my friend. Wish I found this site 3 months ago. Thanks
Hi there Chris
Thanks for your comment. It sounds like you do need to take a look at your own self-medicating behaviors as well, that is great that you realize that for yourself and now you can take action and do something about it. Sometimes we can get so wrapped up in trying to save others that we forget to save ourselves….this is a really common thing actually in relationships that involve addictions. I hope you and your friend can both find a path to healing. Good luck and God bless.
Trying to detach from daughter who is cross addicted and is being abused by husband. She has attempted suicide and suffered brain damage. For 2 yrs. I’ve been driving myself to verge of breakdown and I know from reading the above, I need help!! going to find meeting, thank you
Yes, get to an Al-Anon meeting, Mary, and hopefully you can get some genuine support from the people there. Good luck to you and your daughter, try to stay positive….I know it’s tough. God bless.
My daughters father is in his 5th month in AA recovering after a very long time from opiates and alcohol. His personality is completed changed to mean, threatening, more selfish than before..He was never mean and threatening. Is this normal?
Hi there CJ
The fact that he is mean and threatening might be a fairly typical experience, actually. Certainly there is an adjustment period for any recovering addict or alcoholic. I personally went on a roller coaster for the entire first year, with ups and downs and getting very depressed at times. I tended to get sad and become withdrawn. Others might react with frustration and anger.
There are a lot of possible reasons for this up-and-down roller coaster of emotions in early recovery. One is the chemical withdrawal itself, which can have much longer term effects than most people have heard about. Another is the emotional loss of the drugs and alcohol. Furthermore, I just plain had to learn how to live again; how to feel comfortable in my own skin. I didn’t just get sober one day and then the next everything was all peaches and cream. It took a bit of time to open up and come out of my shell and start to appreciate the simple things in life again.
Thanks again for your comment CJ and good luck to you (and him!) on your journey.
I am glad to have found this site, although I don’t think I’m ready to quit yet, it’s nice to know there are people out there to listen and offer advice.
Thanks!
Thank you for all the information. I will be reading “codependant no more”. I ave just separated with my fiance of 3 years. He is in a 30-day rehab facility as we speak. This is something that he wanted, and I pray he is on the right path to recovery. As I still love him dearly, he knows that I am still here to support him, but will have to do so from a distance. Am I doing the right thing for him??
It sounds like you are on a path to a healthier relationship, Melissa. I don’t know the ultimate answer for you and your fiance, but it sounds like he is taking some healthy steps if he is in residential treatment. Hopefully that will produce a positive change for him, but remember to take care of YOU through all of this…
It sounds like you are being supportive in the right way. Maybe you could seek out an Al-anon group though and get even more help and guidance from them? Anyway, good luck to you and God bless.
I was introduced to your blog by Bill Urell - it looks really interesting and I will spend some time here. I have a 28 yr old alcoholic son who is now sober for several months, after more than 10 yrs of craziness. He has been through 30 day rehabs 5 times, spent the past year in supervised environment, relapsing regularly - what finally made the difference was we got him out of town so he no longer had an enabling community for his addiction. He crashed very hard but has now woken up, thanks to a tough sponsor and local AA support. The best thing I ever read on this subject was called “Don’t Help” - which outlines the disease model and shows how gradually tolerance levels increase until they plateau, and the alcoholic loses everything on the first drink. My son now tells his coworkers who want him to join the party, “if I do that, you will never see me again.” I pray for his recovery and hope for his future every day, but we learned not to “help” and that has made the difference.
Hi there Chickenlil
Yes Bill has an awesome website and he is genuinely helping a ton of people out with it.
Your son sounds an awful lot like me and my story….I did about 10 years of craziness as well before finally getting clean and sober. I think you are on to something too when we talk about helping an addict by “not helping.” Sometimes we need to find our own bottom without our loved ones saving us every time…
Good luck to you and your son, and thank you so much for the comment.
I have a son that will be 33 in 1 wk. He has been out of the hospital 4 times in 2 months. The Dr’s say he won’t see another 2 years. He says-he has to do it his way. I am ready for a breakdown & will start seeing a therapist next. When I think of burying myonly son, I don’t think I’ll be able to go on myself. I know I HAVE to go, I also have a daughter that is very ill with RA. I wish I had some simple solutions.
Hi there Susan
It sounds like you are in the same exact position my mom was in before I finally got clean and sober. Sorry you’re going through this, I can only guess how awful it is to watch your child self-destruct.
My parents were attending an Al-Anon group and got some support there. They met some people who really tried to help them, and it did help, but that won’t change what your son is doing.
There is no magic wand.
But there is hope. I was blessed with sobriety, seemingly out of nowhere, and I’ve been clean and sober now for over 7 years and counting.
My only real suggestions for you are to pray and to find support in groups such as Al-Anon. Good luck to you and your son and God bless.
Glad I found this web site. My boyfriend is an alcoholic. He was sober for 1yr 3months. Then all of a sudden he started drinking again. I didn’t relize that what wrong things I was doing for him, until I read what was said on this site. Little things that I didn’t think twice about doing for him. Boy was I making a mistake. It is hard to say no to him. Just thought it was easier to do then to fight with him. We just got in a huge fight today name calling and all. Maybe it is over for the two of us now. I love him and I know he loves me. But his drinking is getting worse and I can’t handle it anymore. I know I am not to blame now!!! He says he wants to get help but it is hard. Is this just an excuse? It needs to be on his terms only???? Please help me!!
Hi there PJ
I’m glad you found this site as well. Sounds like you are in a tough situation. Your last question at the end tells the whole story: if he is insisting that he gets “help” on his own terms, then he is not ready to stop drinking. Period. I know this, because I was in the same boat, still drinking, while my friends and family kept urging me to get help. But I was scared and stubborn and I would only take “help” on my own terms, so I continued to drink.
The key is surrender. I had a moment when I stopped fighting everything, I just put up my hands and said “enough.” And it was a relief because I knew I was done with the madness for a while. That was my moment of surrender. And I went to my loved ones and said “I will do anything you tell me to, I want to stop. Tell me what to do.” See the difference? That’s surrender. You ask for help.
I sincerely hope he can get to this point and ask for help and change his life. As for you, PJ, I think the best thing for you to do is to get to an Al-Anon meeting. They can help you more than I can. Good luck to you and God bless.
I could use some experienced guidance.
My father is a chronic, severe alcoholic for 40+ years. Most of that time I lived abroad and only saw him on yearly visits. I’ve recently moved back to the town he lives in and reside only a couple blocks away. We’ve always had a good bond. Even drunk, he’s gentle, shy and quite stubborn.
For the past year he has been off on compensation after a severe work injury that left him partially crippled and in constant pain. During this year he also began abusing prescription meds.
Last night he had another incident that is becoming all too common. severely drunk he wandered into the kitchen naked, peed all over the floor and fell down - causing another injury. He was so out of it he couldn’t remember where his bedroom was or how to get there.
Today when he was a “bit more sober” we had a long talk. I pointed to his drink and introduced it as his “master” and told him exactly where this slavery was leading and that I just don’t have the strength to watch that happen to him.
He has agreed to go to his doctor on Monday (he has the appointment) and ask for help to get into a dry-out program. I stuck with the subject until he agreed that HE had to do it for HIS OWN LIFE and not because it was what I said to do. He’s still in denial though on the seriousness of the addiction.
His appointment is 3 days away. I’ve promised to come and visit him tommorow evening. Now I feel stuck though. I don’t know whether to press the subject more, bring it up again - talk about it further??? I don’t want to see him forget about it or change his mind. It’s also a weekend and we live in a small town so services aren’t available until Monday.
Any advice? Guidance? Experience with this? I will take it all under advisement and appreciate any responses.
Hi there Kate
Not an easy situation. There are no blanket statements or automatic strategies in this case, you have to carefully assess the situation and your relationship with your father. You know him, we do not. How will he react if you press him on it? Is there the potential that he will shut down completely and refuse treatment altogether? If you think that’s a likely response, then you might not want to push things.
But you know him, we do not. Maybe he needs the push. Maybe you truly know in your heart that he is not ready to change, but you are looking for a way to try to force that change or wake him up somehow.
I think it would be helpful for you to get help at an Al-Anon meeting if you don’t already attend. They can talk with you about these kinds of specifics and get into more detail with you. It is such a tricky line for knowing how hard to push against someone that is struggling like this, you don’t know if you can force a change or if it will alienate them from you. If they are close to completely self destructing, that might tip the balance for you and you might decide to pull out all the stops and do everything you can to force them into treatment by taking away any options. We’re not always in a position to be able to do this though, and sometimes it doesn’t work anyway.
Just a tough situation, you’ll have to judge for yourself how much to push him, hopefully he will concede to treatment and go get detoxed somewhere. Good luck to you Kate. I wish I could be more helpful in situations like this.
My 26 yr old son has been abusing alcohol and marijuana for 8 yrs. He is highly gifted with a very high I.Q. He has recently failed all classes at the University and has come home to live with us again. My husband and I told him that if he doesn’t get help (we are willing to pay for rehab) he must move out. Well, he wants it on his terms. Says he’d like to quit drinking but wants to continue to smoke weed on weekends. We told him he has 2 weeks to move out. We love him so much and only want to help him. He isn’t talking to us now and is putting the blame on us. (says if we really loved him we wouldn’t make him leave) Did we make the right decison?
Wow, Deb, that sounds so much like my own story that it is downright scary. That was basically my exact situation at one point, and I told my parents I would continue smoking weed forever, and they said that was unacceptable. I told them that I was willing to hit the street and become homeless….over weed! Now this was early in my addiction but I think it points to a greater truth: anyone who is willing to forgo shelter for a drug (any drug) is definitely an addict. In my situation, I actually moved in with some friends at work and started drinking and smoking dope with them every day.
This is such a tough call and there is no right answer, but I think you probably made the best decision, for both him and yourself, and I think it was the healthiest decision. If you let him stay then it would be enabling on your part, propping up his easy lifestyle and drug use. At least if he moves out he will have to “own” his drug use and the choices he makes and the consequences that they bring. Forcing him to move out will bring reality to face him that much quicker. I think it’s the right move, but it’s an awfully tough situation, I know. Prayers for you and your son, God bless.
My partner is an alcoholic and it is very tough for me,We were living together for 1 and half years.I understand little bit about alcoholic.I did everything for him to make him under control.I tried also to kept his money and cards so he couldnt use it to buy an alcohol but when I came home from work everything at home was gone he sold it!Infact,2 days ago he started drinking again and I made up my mind to send him to a hotel and get a room and drinks for him as how much as he can drink and I’ll pay the bill after the drinking period. For me,I think this is the better way to help him and help for myself because I am working everyday atleast when I am not with him he is safe.For now this is the better way I can do for him.I need more advice…thanks!
I have just been through 6 months of hell by dating an alcoholic-addict. When I met him he was 3 months into recovery, he had a decent job, and he was the nicest, sweetest, smartest, most beautiful guy I ever met. He was honest with me upfront — told me he was in rehab and he was in fact an addict. At first I was a little apprehensive, but when I got to know him a little bit more I decided I was okay with it…he was in recovery after all. He seemed stable and he did his job very well. He was religiously going to AA and NA meetings every day, more than once sometimes. He prayed every night. He phoned his mother every day. He was too good to be true.
Needless to say,we “fell in love” quicker than one can bat an eyelash and we became almost inseparable. Pretty soon he moved in with me. He’d drive us to and from work together, we lived together, we went to the gym together, we did everything together. Everything was good. This went on for a month. Then he started to relapse for god knows what reason.
He started to drink and use crack again. I didn’t know how to handle it, I just stood by him and waited for him to get over the little bump in the road. I was hoping it would be just a phase and that he would wake up soon and continue with his program. I waited for 6 whole months!!!!!!!! I’ve sat and watched him throw his life away. First he lost his car, then his job, then he started losing his things. He kept his clothes at my place, but I told him he couldn’t live with me anymore. He stayed over every now and then throughout the past 5 months and we would have totally normal moments. We’d watch movies, take a walk in the park, he would cook and bake…totally normal and fun things that made me fall more in love with him despite the fact that in reality he was still spiralling down into a blackhole. I tried to give him something positive to hold on to. He is a guy that lives in a shelter! I wanted to give him a break. Apparently it all meant nothing. Because he is neck deep in his addiction. Despite wanting to change, he is unable to. He’s been phoning a rehab everyday to try to get in, but it won’t be another month or so till he gets in. Meanwhile, he has been going out on a rampage — drinking and drugging and even stealing. A month ago, he stole money over $1000 from my roommate, and I had to pay him off or lose my home! Also I didnt want to get him arrested. I don’t understand why I do these things for him. He has caused me pain, though he had never intentionally harmed me, his addiction has taken a life of its own! Just being with him is risky. Today, he finally picked up all of his things from my place and left.I let him go. I feel abandoned somehow…like all my help and patience were for nothing. that everything I did was worth nothing. I feel horrible, but I know this is probably for the best. I need to hear it from other people who have gone through the same experience …. will it be better from now on?
Hi DAZE,
Our experienced were exactly the same.When I read your comment I really feel like you know my story is.lol. As what I am telling on my first comment he is in the hotel now until now, I sent him in the hotel so I can work my job properly.I call him every now and then.
I fact, After an hour I will come to him to visit to pay the bill and to change his clothes before I go to work.I really don’t know if I can keep doing the same thing in the future,sometimes I had a feeling to gave up but when I remembered how he takes cared of me, he treated me like a baby, an angel,he loves me so much,he supported me from head to toe and I really love him.That is why I am still with him until now.Please help me to pray as soon as possible.
Hi there Dazed and April
I am sorry to hear about both of your situations. Daze, when you spoke about falling in love with him and then the relapse, this is something that I have seen over and over again while living in long term treatment. Out of all the guys I lived with who were recovering, practically all of them went out and eventually relapsed, and it was always always always over a relationship.
Relationships are so tricky in early recovery. Most people don’t realize how they replace spiritual growth, but they do. That’s why it’s a good idea to wait for a period of time, maybe six months or a year, before getting into a relationship in early recovery. I have seen so many people relapse because of the emotional roller coaster that it is just crazy.
The tricky part is because a new relationship feels so good. It really is a replacement for the drug itself, and substitutes for the growth that one experiences from seeking a connection with a higher power.
I wish I had more wisdom for both of you but all I can say is that relationships in early recovery are extremely dangerous. The only advice would be to take things much slower than usual or simply wait a while. Thank you both for your comments and good luck to you…..God bless
2 days ago my best friends husband went into a detox center. He says that he is ready for a rehab center. I have a real hard time believing anything he says, even when he is doing well. Last night my friend and I attended a local NA meeting. We are not addicts ourselves, but seeing those people have hope, gave us hope. Going to that meeting was one of the best things we could have done. Since we are not addicted, we were asked not to speak, but we didnt need to. Hearing that there is others dealing with this is very helpful. We will go to a Nar-Anon meeting, but its in another town. Hearing it straight from an addict made alot of things clear for us. Its a horrible, terminal disease. But its not hopeless. There is a big difference between letting go and giving up. This article re-enforces that, so thank you.
Patrick,
I may not have read this too thouroughly, but in your last comment you talk about relapse after relationships. My question is, what do you do when your already married and its a new thing? Should you get out and start over later? I think that would be more detrimental. We are just so lost and are looking for any kind of support and advice there is. Anything is helpful at this point. I know relationships are no good for a new recoverer, but how do you deal when the relationship is alreday established? Thank you.
That is a good question, Lee, and I’ve wondered about that myself. The answer to it has come through watching others around me in my recovery.
Obviously, people who are married don’t have to get divorced simply because they got clean and sober. It’s very possible (and exciting) when a recovering addict or alcoholic can get clean and grow with their spouse. This is very possible; I’ve seen it happen. I’ve seen it work out.
Of course it doesn’t always work out, and sometimes people split up or drift away or grow apart. This happens quite a bit, actually, and it usually has to do with codependency issues. One person gets clean, and starts to grow and become more healthy and assertive. The other half of the relationship probably doesn’t even realize that they were codependent and fed off the others reckless behavior in addiction. So sometimes one person getting clean can sort of bring both people to their senses and they might realize that they really are not right for each other. I’ve seen this happen more often than not.
But if the addict is married or in a long term relationship, there is real potential for making things work if they manage to stay clean, no doubt about it. You gotta have hope! Good luck to you Lee and thanks so much for your comment.
We all really appreciate your answer. They let him out of detox yesterday and we went to an NA meeting almost immediately after release. He actually stood up and talked, which I didnt think he would his first time. He was brutally honest about his need for drugs or any substance, addmitted his need for help. I like to think its a great sign, but its still hard to trust it. Like they said last night in the meeting, only think of today. Today he is trying. Today he is working the steps. It just kills us that tomorrow is uncertain. It takes alot of time and effort and hope! LAst night after the meeting, 5 men came up to him and really showed support, gave them their numbers, and he got a sponsor. I think its great for him to be around positive people, people who are addicts, but sober. It gives us hope. I dont know what its like to struggle with that kind of thing, but I know from a non addict point of view, and its painful for us. Cant imagine what he has to endure with this. After realizing that we are not alone, it uplifted us emensly. Ive never felt so alone and misunderstood in my life. Im sure he feels the same way, so its good to have people who care. Thank you very much for your response. I have shared this website with my friends. I know they will have questions in the near future. ITs good to mot be so alone.
He relapsed already last night. Not even 12 hours out of detox. what are we supposed to do now? its like beating a dead horse. im exhausted. Im not sure what else I can do now.
I’m so sorry Lee. I relapsed many times before I “got it.” I don’t have any wisdom for you, I’m afraid. Sometimes you have to let people fall down a bit. I can recommend 3 things for you at this point:
1) Look after your own sanity first.
2) Get to an Al-Anon meeting.
3) Pray.
Hang in there and keep us posted. Prayers for you and for him.
Thanks to everyone who replied.
Patrick, I feel so sad to hear you say that. I wish i had known better than to give in to emotions. If only we had taken things slow…sigh.
What you said made sense though. I think he tried to use me as a substitute for something — the drug or higher power or whatnot. But of course it failed. I tried to be the best that i can be to him, I tried to be the best friend ever. I know that he tried to be content and happy too with me. But that was not enough. He has to be strong enough himself, and not rely on an external source for strength. Now I’m not too sure whether he really loved me, or did he simply love the idea of being in love because he got a high from it.
He kept promising it would get better and that he would change. Yet he kept yielding to his cravings, it was so frustrating!
i’ve learned a difficult and painful lesson from this, Love does not always conquer all. Especially not addiction.
Sorry again for your loss, Dazed. Yes, we can substitute a relationship for our drug of choice because new relationships feel so good at first. They bring a euphoria all their own, and we think that the good feeling will last forever, that the good feeling is unique to this situation because we have just found the most perfect person in the world, and so it will always be peaches and cream. Of course this isn’t true, there are always ups and downs, and there are always going to be days (for an addict) when they are struggling with life or just having a bad day and the new relationship-high will have worn off a bit. That is when addiction pounces if the person doesn’t have some level of spiritual grounding.
This idea of spirituality overcoming addiction has to come from within–an outside relationship is merely a substitute for it. Just my observation on those I’ve seen in the program who have found success.
Anyway, thanks so much for sharing with us, hopefully your story can benefit others. It sounds like you are going to be a stronger person as well, Dazed. Thanks so much for your comment.
Thanks for the honesty here. My brother’s son (adopted) just turned 18 upon his release from a facility to help him with his addictions (alcohol mainly). My brother and his wife are devastated by this child’s rebellion, as he refuses to go back to ‘program’ and refuses to move in with them again (can’t blame him there but that’s another story). In the meantime, I keep hearing what seems to me a monster excuse–’we just don’t understand the mind of an addict.’ Or, “He’s an addict…” as if that’s an excuse to do what he’s doing: the lying, stealing, manipulation, etc. Part of me is like get over yourself already, part of me wants to whack him upside his head, and another part of me wonders how a kid can become an addict so early. Is there really such a thing as the mind of an addict??? Help me here..
Thank you for your comments.
I think I’ve learned to detach myself, hence, I’ve broken up with the guy and got rid of all romantic notions. He understands the reason why we broke up and he is distancing himself from me to protect me.
I saw him the other day, quite by accident, after a long time of not hearing anything from him. I felt so relieved! I just stepped out the balcony and there he was, walking down the street! He has been on my mind since we said goodbye so I couldn’t resist not talking to him.
He is living in a shelter now and is in very bad shape. He is currently waiting to get into rehab, but is having a hard time during the wait. It will be 2 more weeks. He admits he is an addict, and he hates his addiction. But then he tells me that he can’t just stop cold turkey because his body craves it and he is not strong enough yet to resist. He says once he gets into rehab and gets some programming, in, he will be able to change his life. I don’t know if this is what you would call “surrender”?I told him I’ll have to see it to believe it…
Anyway, he is my friend and I could not say goodbye totally despite the horror I’ve been through with him. Is this a bad decision to still be in touch with him? I feel sorry for him, but now I know that all I can do is wish him the best and be there for him to talk to. He says that talking to me gives him hope…
People have told me that addicts have no capacity to feel real emotions. Does knowing that people care actually help them in these situations?
Hi, DazedandDistraught,
If you think you can be strong enough to be kind and civil to him without getting tied up with his problems and manipulations, then I’d say to go for it. What’s the harm in being kind? If you start to sense that he’s interpreting your kindness for weakness, or if you begin to notice that he’s taking your helpfulness as a sign you are ready to resume the relationship, I’d say do not encourage it. Back away, surefootedly and determinedly. Who knows what the future will bring? Right now, however, it seems too early in his recovery efforts to be buying into any possible talk about his being recovered and “changed” and will do right by you this time around. It’s probably going to take a significant, consistent amount of “straight time” before he can sell that line again, but who’s to say that time won’t come? Eventually he’s going to get tired of his main vice and will probably give it 100%, but you will know when that happens, I suspect. And if you’re still available and still care for him (in a romantic sense), then perhaps it will all work out for the best.
I’m not sure if that is correct - the statement that addicts have no capacity to feel. It’s probably true that when they’re loaded up on their drug of choice they don’t feel too much. In their sober moments, however, they do - or, rather, many of them do have the capacity to feel. The problem is usually this: Their feelings often are in relation to THEM, e.g., how they feel when someone slights them or criticizes/ridicules them, or doesn’t greet them on the street, or how they have no friends (the “Nobody loves me” syndrome, etc.).
I remember reading a book about Alcoholism many years ago. This was before all addicts were lumped into the same category; the book differentiated between alcoholics and drug-addicted people, saying that alcoholics tend to be more self centered, as a rule, and that the self centeredness is what causes them to appear to have very shallow feelings, if any at all. The book was saying, in essence, that the alcoholic might not show emotion - or feel emotion - but it’s not because of the alcohol, per se; it’s because of his or her self-absorbed personality.
Certainly this cannot be a generalization. That would be grossly unfair to alcoholics and chemically-addicted people everywhere. There are always exceptions and we are ALL different, despite the sameness of our disease.
I wish you the best; and if it’s meant to happen with him, it will — when the time is right.
Thanks Inapew.
I have been scorned by friends for consistently being a friend to this person.
I am a person who tries to abide by universal moral laws. What this person has become (on drugs) is against everything that I believe in, and yet when I see something in him — a flicker of hope? A hopeless desire to change? –that is enough to make me want to stand by him and try to help as much as I can.
I am confused and in a constant state of tug of war in my head. To help or not to help? Is it all a lost cause?
I guess only time will tell…
Dazed, thank you so much for your continuing input on this thread. It sounds like you are making some real progress in how you’re going to handle things from here on out.
Inapew, thank you so much for jumping in here and offering your insights. I completely relate to your observations about addicts and how they “feel” their feelings….in a very self-centered and self-serving way, usually. But I can truly say that as a using addict, I wanted to change and stop hurting my loved ones, but I was genuinely trapped in the cycle of addiction….I thought I would die if I stopped self-medicating. I knew I was hurting others with my behavior but I could not see a way out. It’s not that I was a selfish and careless person, it’s just that I was trapped in a mode where I could not put anything else above my addiction. My drugs had to come first.
Thanks to both of your for your comments on this thread. I’m working on a follow up post to incorporate some of your ideas as well.
I know what you mean about the cycle. It’s vicious! People who don’t ‘use’ will find it hard to understand. I know I did. I learnt to though, I had to if I wanted to preserve my sanity. One minute he was in a state of readiness to quit, but the next he just disappears off to god knows where to get a fix. It is CRAZY. It is not that the addict doesn’t mean what he says, but they are simply powerless to resist the call of their addiction. I learned not to take each action as an offense to myself, i am not making excuses for him either, it just is what it is. He is stuck in a rut right now… but in the long run, if he doesnt try as hard as he can to break the cycle (and it is possible! right, patrick?), that just will not suffice.
Perhaps it’s Serendipity, I will read this over. I want to help someone that has been addicted to Codeine (over the counter bottles of Tylenol compound) for possibly 15-18 years.
I just found out.
Do you know how serious this kind of addiction is? Any suggestion?
My son is an addict. He has been through rehab twice. The second just a little over a month ago. He went because he got married and is going to be a father. He decided yesterday to get messed up again. He is 26 his wife is 23. None of us know what to do. Not only is it him now he has two other lives he is responsible for. He is on probabtion for a possession charge from 1 year ago. But he isn’t getting it. I am at my wits end. He has went through thousands of dollars. Sold everything he can to buy pills. Does anyone have any suggestions. I live five hours away from him. But I don’t seem to do anything but make him angry when I question him. Help
Hi there Susan
Sorry to hear about your son and his struggles. You are in a very common situation though. Perhaps you can find help and support at Al-Anon meetings.
You say he has been through rehab twice. Of course, there is no magic number, but I “got it” on my third time around through rehab, and that seems to be a common occurrence with addicts. It takes a few tries. So don’t give up hope.
Being 5 hours away makes it difficult, because every time you communicate it probably seems like you are nagging him. I don’t know how to fix that, other than to say that you should show support and encourage him to get help (which he might take as nagging, I know). There’s just no way around it. Hopefully something will change and a light will go off in his head, and he will ask for help. If he does ask for help, is there a general plan in place? Does his wife know of a treatment center that she can call to possibly get him in? Those might be things to look into.
Good luck to you and your son, and thanks for your comment.
My friend finally made it into rehab. He got in after months and months of phoning. He hit the bottom really hard, but I hope that was his “turning point”.
I guess the best way to help an addict really is NOT to help and let them hit their all time low. Just to let them know that you are there, but doing absolutely nothing at all to help them with their situation. THEY have to crawl out of it themselves, for the change to be sincere and done wholeheartedly. Otherwise, they will simply take things/people for granted and continue on with their addiction for as long as they have a means to support it. No matter how small the help, don’t do it. Just step away. The sooner they will wake up and realize that they are this close to losing everything. It’s difficult. It might even sound cruel. But it’s really not. Addiction is a tricky foe, and you have to be strong to play and beat its treacherous game.
I’m sure this isn’t the end of the road for my friend. I care about him, but I have to protect myself. There are no guarantees with this person, and I will not allow my life to revolve around his life. Not anymore. I guess I’ll be his friend as long as he needs me. To be honest, I don’t know if things will ever go back to the way they were…but who knows these things.
Thanks for the update, Dazed. I’m so glad that your friend is getting some help, it might just be a step in the journey, but it definitely sounds positive so far. And also, it sounds like you have made some real growth as well as far as dealing with the situation. Thank you so much for coming back and sharing your new wisdom with us.
I just came across your site in search for answers in how to help someone whom I care deeply about who has an addiction to pain killers. I met him 2 yrs ago thru an on-line Catholic Match site. I knew about his addiction abou 3 months after meeting him. He has been addicted since 2000. He has also told me that he started getting high at the early age of 14 on one substance or an other. There is a 6 hr distance between us but I have made the effort to travel in his direction because I am single and without many committments. He is divorced and has two teenage children. THru time I have seen what his addiction is doing not only to himself but to his children as well. I recently took my vacation time to visit him earlier this month and cut it short because he decided to order more pills at the cost of $550, and when they weren’t delivered the next day, he wanted me to go to the clinic for him. I told him NO and to never ask me that again. He went up to bed and I decided that I could no longer allow myself to be a part of his addiction. I told him that I could see a future with him, but ONLY if that future were to be without drugs. I, myself have never even smoked pot and do not want drugs to be a part of my life. I have asked him to get help and told him I would be there to support him when and if he should choose to get the professional help he needs. I have not heard from him in over week since I am sure he received my letter stating my boundaries and concerns. I pray daily for him as I know if will only be through my friends willingness to get help and the grace of God that this will take place. I thank you for sharing your thoughts and story and pray for you as well on your own journey. I am open to receiving any comments you may have.
Hi Annie
It sounds to me like you are already making some healthy decisions regarding the relationship. When you told him that you could see a future, but only without the drugs involved, that set a firm limit. Kudos to you for setting that limit, I think it was the right choice.
Having to live with that choice is another matter entirely. I know it is hard, especially if he doesn’t follow through and get help. But imagine the turmoil you will keep enduring without setting that limit: you would subject yourself to a life of chaos and deception.
It is easy for me to write these things and commend you for setting a limit. But believe me, I know how devastating that loss can be if he continues to use drugs! I know there is a loss for you either way, and a part of you would rather just stay with him, even if he continued with the drugs.
I don’t have any magic or wisdom for you. Addiction sucks. I think you’ve made some good choices and you understand how to deal with addiction as well as you possibly can. Good luck to both of you and I hope things eventually work out and he finds sobriety. Just remember to take care of YOU, Annie, regardless of what happens with his sobriety. Prayers for both of you….
My boyfriend of 8 months went into rehab a week ago. He went because he wants to change and and because I think he has finally hit his bottom and is tired of it all.
He is doing pretty good now. He calls everyday and he says that I inspire him to become a better person but he says he knows what he has to do to get better (treatment) and he knows that he has to do it for himself first of all.
He says he wants to see me and I am really excited to see him in a better condition. BUT i am not sure seeing him so soon is such a good idea at this time?
Will my presence be helpful or harmful to his recovery? I want to be there for him, but will a relationship (that has been going on for sometime) be good for someone in rehab?
If not, When will it be okay to see him again ?
Patrick - Thank you so much for your encouraging words. I felt compelled this week to write the therapist of my friend. I realize they have patient confidentiality and I do not expect her to get in touch with me. However, I felt she was the only avenue I had left to follow through on my committment in trying to help him see the need for treatment and recovery. I sent it out of love. I had left her a message a fews weeks back when I was so concerned that he was going to take his life. I know that he holds her in high regard and I am hoping that thru my letter, it may do some good. If not, I can only know in my heart that I have done everything possible. In the meantime, it’s been two weeks since I have heard from him. I can only imagine that he had read my email regarding boundaries and is now pulling away from me. Is this a natural reaction? I am not going to give up hope as I truly believe that he has the power within himself to be all that he can be. I have told that many times and am not going to give up on him either. At this time, is it right for me to pull back myself and give him space to think about all that has been said and done? This is what my plans are, but it is so hard as I care deeply for this man. It’s hard not to go a day without shedding a tear over this situation, but as each day goes along I am trying to turn over the whole situation to God and let Him be the one in charge. Please comment when you have a moment.
Thanks again - Annie
Thanks for the update, Annie. You said that he probably got your email and has “pulled away from you” for a bit. I think that is a fairly typical reaction, and it has to do with the internal conflict that the addict is going through. On the one hand he surely loves you and wants to be with you, on the other hand he knows he is “trapped” in addiction and sees that it is hurting you.
I struggled with this myself, and never could figure out a way to keep abusing drugs without hurting my loved ones in the process. So the natural and easiest thing for the using addict to do is to pull away from them.
The fact that he pulled away might even be encouraging in from a certain perspective. For me, the next step was to finally reach out and ask for help. Hopefully he is at that point. Keep the faith and good luck to both of you….
My answer for the anonymous poster is right here.
im 16 and my girlfriend is 15
im soo emotinally tired of having to constantly worry about her. I dont sleep anymore, i get cranky easy, all day long all i do is worry about her…
shes a recovering alcoholic, and now shes in councelling, but yet, she is extremely addicted on weed now! Most people think as i did, that its not addictive, BUT it has over taken her life. She can not function without it. She has changed from being the sweetest girl i used to know, to someone i get repulsed by everytime i see her with that ridiculous bong of hers, or how she always lies now to sneak off and get high with her loser friend.
I try to have serious convos with her, but all i get is her silly giggle, as in she finds everything i say funny.
Im just soo tired of worrying and i dont know what to do.
Hi there John
Marijuana is a drug, even though some addicts consider it to be a “soft” drug. It really is not. Just because there is no physical withdrawal from it does not mean that weed is not addictive. It can certainly function as a replacement substance, as your girlfriend seems to be using it as one. The problem is that it will never work in the long run, she will eventually revert back to her drug of choice (alcohol in this case) and probably try other substances as well.
There is not a lot you can do in this case other than set some boundaries. If you’re willing to live with it, then do so. If not, then tell her, and be prepared to walk away if she continues to use. You both are quite young and I would imagine that an ultimatum like that is not going to be the end of her drug use. As a matter of fact, my only real advice for someone so young like that is to encourage her to seek professional help. Good luck to both of you….
i love her way too much to simply walk away just like that.
Sadly, right after i wrote the above message, i got a call from her… and this time shes with that same loser friend and shes drunk like crazy.
I always try to get her to seek more help, but its hard. i talk to her grandfather about the situation, but he’s clueless, and in denial. His answer always is.. ” i ask her if shes getting high, and she says NO, so i believe her” !
I have no clue how to convince him, or make him see im telling the truth.
I just spoke to him right now also, telling him he NEEDS to go pick her up from the friends house cuz she has been vomiting alot, i told him shes drunk out of her mind.. but… she already called him after i did… and told him shes just feeling “kinda sick” and he seems to believe HER!! SO i really have no clue how to convince him, he lives in his own little world i think
Hi,
I need help and fast. I am engaged to a man who I now realize it an alcoholic. A very verbally abusive and sometimes physically abusive alcoholic. He drinks about 3 times a week, so I didn’t think of him as an alcoholic at first…just a real jerk every now and then. The nights he doesn’t drink he is very distant and quiet. We not only are supposed to be married but we are opening a business together in 2 weeks which puts me in a huge mess. Somehow he has managed to get me to quit my job, school, take the majority of time away from my kids and he has complete financial control. I am an educated woman who worked in the medical field for over 13 years. I now depend on him for EVERYTHING. He seems to always start a fight with me so he can go drink at our store. I try so hard not to argue with him but he will find the lowest untrue things he can say to really tick me off. I thought I would just ignore him when he does this so now he just leaves and I don’t even know he’s gone until I notcie his truck missing. No matter what I say he would not acknowledge he was an alcoholic. Last week he did finally admit he has to quit drinking because he “doesn’t get much done when he drinks.” Is this a sign that he may be reaching out? If so he is at the store tonight while I sit here crying trying to figure out if I should leave him or support him. we love each other very much and I don’t want to give up but I can’t seem to compete with this rotten disease. He is the very self centered poor me alcholic. I can’t live like this and am not sure how to help him help himself. How do you get a person to see this is happening to them if they don’t want to see?? Is the only choice I have to walk away???
hello. I have been seeing a man for the last 4 years and I do believe he is an alcoholic. we lived together for 3 years and I made him leave because of the drinking and smoking pot. dont get me wrong i’m no angel but I can do without drinking I am more of a social drinker and he always wanted to stay at home and drink. we’ve seen each other off and on the last year and now he has told me he wanted to change and wouldn’t drink so much..he has however quit smoking pot for the last 3 weeks but he still wants to drink almost everyday. he doesn’t have a good job and pretty much jumps from job to job because he didn’t want to quit smoking. he has his CDL class A drivers license which he got when he lived with me a couple of years ago but can’t get a good job because of his past driving record DWI in 2001 and refused to blow in 2003 and trucking companies go back about 10 years. he really is a good person 2 months after I met him I found out I had breast cancer and he stayed with me through all of that but I just can’t take the drinking any longer.
My answer for HLG is right here.
Hey this is John getting back. Im the 16 year old having problems with my 15 year old gf. Well after 2 years of being together, I insisted she get help, and continued to make sure her Grandpa knew how bad her problem was. Now, over and over she chose to be with her loser friend, and, I told her i cant take it no more. She told me she hates me and she wants NOTHING to do with me no more, saying i BETRAYED her by going to her Grandpa. Im soo depressed right now, i dont know what to do anymore. I FEEL LIKE A LOSER FOR BEING MADLY IN LOVE WITH HER, AND SHE CHOSE ALCOHOL STUPID WEED OVER ME. She’s out there “having fun” and im stuck at home, depressed, and crying because i lost the girl i have loved for 2 years. I’m so lost and confused and i dont know what to do anymore. I know i did the right thing, i think, i just so wanted her to get help. Shes only 15 and has already been in detox and councelling, and almost died a year ago from an od… i didnt want her to go through that agian. Im lost and scared,for her, but also for me. I dont know who i can talk to about this. No one really understands me, or why i love her so much. :(
Hello. Thnx so much for having this site up. I’m writing all the way from Colombia. My boyfriend of a year just went into rehab 5 days ago. He asked for it himself after failed attempts to deal with the addiction (crack) on his own and with the help of a therapist. We’re all really happy he finally decided to go get help. At the same time his family and myself are attending al anon meetings. I love him deeply, he’s a great guy, very smart and kind. We’ve made plans for the future, as long as his whole rehab process goes well. However I’m scare he might relapse (specially here in Colombia where drugs are easy to find and cheap) I also don’t know whether having kids with him would be safe, and whether he’ll ever change his lying-stealing-disappearing patterns for good. Advice?
Thanks so much for this article. I was in a black hole
Hi,
I have a son 29 years old who drinks, smoke pots and does heroine. I sent him to live with my family out of state to get him out of his environment.
He still wont admit he has a bad addiction problem and thinks he can do this on his onw. He also lives with me and thnkins he is moving back in a month. I wont let him. I feel like the last year I have enabled him to do all the wrong things. He only has one class to finish getting his Ba degree in finance. He did serve 4 years in the army and was fine then.
I know he needs to go to rehab but I just don;t know how to convince him of that.
I am so lost I really do not know what to do for him.
Help
I have been married to my husband for 3 years now, together for 6 years. We have a son that is turning 2 this weekend. I found out a little over 2 years ago that he was addicted to cocaine. He started doing cocaine to get off of oxycottons. I threatened to leave him & take our son away from him if he didn’t get clean. He finally did, after 4 tries of threatening him with that. He’s been clean (or so I think, not so sure anymore) for a year now. I don’t believe a word out of his mouth. I had a strange sickening feeling that he had used this past weekend, so I popped a drug test on him 2 nights ago & he admitted to using. He has grown up with a cocaine using & alcoholic mother. She quit using drugs a long time ago, however she’s been done with alcohol for 2 years now. It took her moving to Fl. & getting away from her family & everyone for her to do this. No one pressured her, she just did it. I however, am a VERY strong headed positive person. I have went to the Al-Anon meetings in the past & attended the meetings where I listen to the addicts & I can’t say anything. I walked out of both meetings furiously crying I was so mad. I feel like it’s life, deal with it, grow up. I honestly felt like they were making excuses for them & I think it’s a crock. I don’t understand why it’s so hard to do the right thing, esp. when you’re a/b to loose the only thing you have left, your wife & kid. I told him he chose the drug over us yet again, so we obviously doesn’t matter. The last time all of this came a/b I actually got a consultation from a lawyer a/b what my rights were. When I relayed this info. to him during a civil conversation, he became very angry, someone I didn’t recognize. I come from a sexually abusive alcoholic step-father & my biological father is a clean alcoholic for many many years now. To live in this type of life, only makes me want to make my life for myself & my son better. Why is he putting us thru the same torture? It’s like he doesn’t realize how bad he’s hurting me. We had a very violent fight last night after our son went to bed & said alot of hateful things. I informed him that I had made him an appt. with a counselor so he could talk to someone. His comment was I don’t have anything to say, I made a mistake, I’m sorry. I’m so sick of those words I could puke. I am SO done, I’m disgusted. My feelings for him are now turning numb. I feel myself slipping away from him & from my past experience w/ my child history, once it’s gone, it will not come back. I am looking for any answers anyone is willing to offer me. How do I not file for divorce? I cannot live like this & will not allow my son to grow up in this lifestyle where I’m constantly questioning his father & wondering a/b him. How long can a person hang on? How many times am I supposed to be able to handle this? I’m so exhausted, I don’t know if I have the energy to fight anymore. Is it already over for me? Should I just walk away?
He went to his appt. yesterday. I didn’t ask any questions & put any pressure on him. He made another appt. with him too. I can’t tell you how relieved I was to hear that. I thanked him for going & wanted to grab him & hug him, but I didn’t for fear of him thinking everything was ok when it’s still in fact not. He said he really liked him and he seemed to know what he was talking about. This may or may not help him, but him going just shows me that he’s willing to step out of his comfort zone & try to make it right. Please pray for us that this time he’s finally ready to say he’s too weak to handle it on his own.
I’m so happy to have found this site; it helps to see that I am not alone. I have a question - What can a family do to help a relative who is an addict & lives so far away? My brother in law lives in Colorado and is an alcoholic. He has lost his job, is about to be evicted and will have his car re-possessed. All of this is causing him to drink even more; now he goes for days without answering the phone and we are worried that he may hurt himself. The issue is - we all live in the mid-west and don’t know his friends well enough to ask them to become involved. Also, we have no other family living in CO who could possibly help. Do you have any suggestions for what we can do? We’ve asked him to go to counseling, to come home, to at least check in more frequently but nothing seems to work. He is growing more distant and remote. Any suggestions are welcome!! We are at a loss about what we can do from so far away.
Thank you, this has helped me, although I am still having trouble with detachment. I will keep at it though!! Long story short, I have a friend who’s been an alcoholic for quite a while, has been in trouble, has been through unsuccessful attempts at rehab, etc. He’s in legal trouble again, his spouse is leaving with the kids, he’s a wreck. I’m trying to be there for him while maintain my sanity. It is so hard. Watching the self-destruction hurts very badly! I pray for him, and all others who are going through this - the addicts as well as those who care so deeply for them. If only love were enough…
I have a daughter 48 who has been addicted since 19. She is on a 3rd marriage that is about to crash, although he is her enabler. Has 2 kids who want nothing to do with her. She has put everyone around her “just wanting her gone”. I keep thinking this morning how much easier it would be if she would just overdose and die. That way we would be over it. She will “agree” to get help then lie about the appts that she didn’t keep. What a horrible way for a mom to think and feel but what she is doing and has done to her kids there can’t be punishment enough for her. She has overdosed a couple times. We are going to attempt to have her committed because of her dangerous behavior….driving while drunk and under the influence, she no longer bathes, is pulling her own hair out by the roots, is skin and bones and the list goes on and on. I just want it all over
Hi there Filled With Disgust
I appreciate your honesty. Really. It sounds like you have been through quite a nightmare, and I agree that it’s not fair to you. I also agree it’s not fair to the other people in her life.
But the message of recovery is hope–that anyone can recover. Seriously. You might think that she has burned her last bridge (and maybe she truly has) but there is still hope for her.
No matter how far down the scale an addict has gone, no matter how low they have stooped, they can still recovery, and their experience can then benefit others. It is possible.
I’m sorry you’ve had to go through it all. It’s not fair and I know that now. When I first got clean I didn’t know that, but trust me I do now. I’ve said goodbye to too many addicts over the last 7 years.
Thanks for sharing with us….I have hope for both you and your daughter. Sometimes that’s all we’ve got.
I found this site tonight and am so grateful. I was in an off and on relationship with a man I love very much. He was an alcoholic, did drugs, and had been in jail a number of times. I did not know how deeply he was addicted until we were seeing each other.
He never talked about his addictions and would not come around me until he was sober. When he left after seeing me I knew he was going to find something to drink and get high on.
We never lived together but we always planned to get married someday. He would come by and then disappear. He has lived with other women habitually.
Eventually he would always come back to see me and tell me he loved me and still wanted to marry me, that I was the only woman he has ever really loved in his life. This went on for years. Finally he ended up in jail again after breaking probation. I visited him until he was shipped to do his full time. We wrote over the course of his prison time.
When he got out he wanted me to move to the town he had to go back to and I wouldn’t. I knew he was not ready from reading his letters. He was facing himself in prison. He talked about things deep inside him that he never talked about before. I knew it was a beginning but I also knew he was not ready.
Within six months of getting out, he was living with a woman and then married her. A friend of ours said he was drinking more than he had ever seen him drink and doing drugs. He was fighting and arguing with his new wife right after they got married. He has a year more on probation and has managed to keep a job which is good.
His wife is trying to recover from alcohol and attends AA meetings.
We have not been in touch since the first day he got out of jail over a year ago. He didn’t call anymore. We have a mutual friend who lets me know how he’s doing and vice versa.
He is such a wonderful man, I have always seen this in him. I’ve loved him for more than a decade and pray for him still.
He promised he would change after getting out of prison but went back to all his old patterns of finding a woman to live with who will put up with his lifestyle, the drinking, drugs and depending on her resources to survive and feel free to do what he wants.
I never put him down over all the years we were together, but I wouldn’t let him live with me or depend on me for money and an escape.
I don’t know at what point I realized he stayed away from me to keep from hurting me all these years.
Now he’s married but I can’t shake the feeling that his marriage is going to end and leave him with worse feelings of worthlessness and failure than he already had. He spoke of wanting to do something with what was left of his life after getting out of prison. He wanted me to fit into the picture he was creating.
But I knew he was not ready and it would destroy us both. I had to let go. It is painful. I love him and know he loves me. There is nothing I can do.
My H is drinking heavy everyday and smokes a lot of Marijuana too everyday.He dissappear most of the time until I found out now he is stayin with a mama san(whore) who supports him with his vice.I feel he is an alcoholic as he had been drinking since he was 15.He stop five years ago but only for 2 or 3 mos. but smoking is continous. He even went to rehab 10 years ago coz that time he was using heroine. He had been good also for just two months and now no more heroine as far as I know but its alcohol and marijuana daily. I feel that I have to support him and go see a doc for diagnosis. its like he is suferring from depression and his brain is totally affected/ He loves me and his kids and I want our family to become one but he is not willing to change. I just dont know how I can encourage him and when this time will come. As long as he is supported by this whore he is contented. His father pass away that I felt made him worse ,He started to disappear left his job. Although in terms of financial he entrust to me the inheritance he got from his father of which we are now using for daily living. I dont see any sign of him how to build our life normally if he dont have this motivation to work. He dont want me to work either. Please give advice on how I can persuade him to see a doc. I can not even confront him about this disappearnce and living with a whore. All he will reply is that he gives us all everything. But I want him back and I know that he is living with this whore only to fullfill his vice.
My brother has been in and out of rehabs for the last 2-3 years, and is now homeless. He finally made it thru a 30 day program and is in a sober house and after the first 3 days he did drugs, cocain/Heroin and was suspended form the house, my 2-sister and i have been trying to help him with $ food and clothing, rides… but he just won’t take any responsibility and keeps calling us for help. I’m not sure we are helping at this point I just don’t know the right thing to do? we don’t want him to go back to drugs and feel he will if we don’t help? it was so bad he was robbing people and stealing $ and credit cards. At this point it is affecting all of out lives emotionally and financially, shat should or shouldn’t do, and he keeps saying things like i’d rather have a needle in my arm then live like this and turns everything around and blames everyone. I’m at my wits end and he may be getting kicked out of the house because of $ and I really have not idea what do do… HELP
AJ. I am struggling with a 19 yr old addict who is my daughter. You & your sisters should be taking care of your own selves. Find Nar-anon meetings -they are wonderful support systems. I think that if you can stick to your boundaries - no money, no rides, you decide - that it’ll force your brother to work things out for himself. If he continues to rob & steal, the court system may be what he needs. The next time could be the ‘low’ that he needs to turn his life around.
To those who will listen… My name’s Jay, I have a 31 yo brother who is addicted to cocaine. He’s hit bottom time and time again. But today he had a seizure in front of my mom and me, was taken to the ER, and still refuses inpatient help. The Dr’s aren’t positive, but they think it was from cocaine withdrawal. On top of addiction, he’s extremely depressed (yeah, they do go hand-in-hand). He has nothing to live for - his girlfriend just broke up with him, he has no job, no money, no friends. He’s stolen and manipulated from my mom and I, had the police called on him multiple times - everything. My mom and I love him so much, but would do absolutely anything for him to get help. Any suggestions? He’s put us through hell and back but witnessing him having a seizure broke our heart and reminded us that he’s close to death. He admits he has a problem but again, refuses inpatient services. His life decisions are ruining our lives. I know I need to get to an Al-Anon meeting. Please, any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Hi there Jay
Sounds like you already know the answer….get to an Al-Anon meeting and get some real help and guidance and support from the people there. That should be your first step.
Above and beyond that, really your only option at this point is to offer help to your brother and let him know that you are willing to help him when he is ready to change.
Good luck with everything…prayers for both of you.
Patrick-
My boyfriend and I are both in college, and my boyfriend’s mother is addicted to pot, and I’m pretty sure alcohol, too. She is fully functional, and I’m sure she sees no problem with her addiction because it has caused her no problems thus far. However, my boyfriend and his sister are so deeply upset by it and hurt so much. His sister lives at home with his mom and calls him crying, telling him she found another bag of pot, or found her passed out on their kitchen floor in the middle of the night. Every time they ‘catch’ her, she says she’ll change, but she never does. She seems to be a compulsive liar as well (not jsut about her addictions- about many things, even the most trivial.)
My boyfriend has gone to AA meetings before with an old friend of his that was an alcoholic, but he still seems to be so hurt and does not know what to do about his mom. He comes to me upset, and I feel SO helpless, and I never know what to say to make him feel any better about the situation. I don’t know what to do or what advice I could give him to make him hurt less. He avoids going home at all costs because his mom never ceases to hurt him somehow (always emotionally).
What advice can I give him? What could he and his sister do? They’ve expressed their feelings so many times, and she seems to care, but just doesn’t stop. She never says that she’ll get help, only that she’ll do it less (but she doesn’t). She doesn’t take it seriously at all because she doesn’t think anything bad is coming from it, but her kids are so stressed and hurt constantly.
What can I suggest? Or what could I say to him to help? It pains me to see him so hurt by his own mother. I feel so helpless and stuck, and just want to help take his pain away. Please help? Any suggestion or comment back would be greatly appreciated…
Well said.
We have a young man who lived with us in foster care and my husband became his big brother. He called last night and has fallen back into cocain and is living in an area where the drug dealer is slashing his tires. He wants to come stay here. I am scared of the drug dealers and what this will mean to our safety. What should we do to help and where can he get help?
Hello My Name is Tiffany Ricchetti and I need some help…I am in a relationship with a 42 man who finished his one year sobriety …I want to be able to help him on the road to recovery and I do not know how…I want to be able to do this because I love him very much and its almost having a toll on me emotionally, physically etc. I love him very much and if you could help me I would gladly appreicate it so much if I could have a contact number to talk to someone would be great..its hard to deal with this by myself and I understand I am not capable to doing this on my own and in need of assistance Thank you for your time and patience
Tiffany Ricchetti
He is an alcoholic and I would like some help
Im a single mom of two, i met a wonderful man, after time passes in our wonderful relationship i find out he is an opioid user, injecting himself. Yes i was blind to it. But it was to late i allready fell hard in love for him, but then things got bad, very bad! All the lies all the hurt he caused me. In short i said goodbye to him, never once stopped loving him though. He didnt want to leave me, but detox and rehab had allready been done and he was useing again, so i had no choice no matter how hard it was but to say goodbye, and i did. Its been about six months apart from him, and he called me. He wants me back he says he doesnt want the drug life anymore, he says he allready has it set up to do detox then rehab again, then he is telling me he is going to a long term care facility, then comming to get me and win me back. I want this so much but how do i know this is all true that he tells me how do i trust him when i have been through this before. After six months apart i saw him and we spent a day together and i didnt want to let him go but i had to, im scared i am going to be hurt again and to do this with him im scared . I want to but should I? I cant get over him, and its been six months, am i stupid to trust he wants to get better and have a life with me and my children?
@ Tina- Time is your ally in this case. If he is going to long term treatment then that is a powerful commitment and if he sticks with it then you can ease back into things slowly, right? If he is in a long term program then that will limit the extent of your relationship for a little while, give you both some healthy space and allow him room to grow as a person.
I really believe that if he is too close to you at first that he will not grow and progress in his recovery as much as if there is some distance there.
It has been 5 months since I last wrote. In those months, he went to rehab and things started looking up. I’m writing now, because as you might have guessed, he relapsed again. He got high on crack and then started drinking again. He still has the desire to stop, but claims that it is beyond him… He is obssessed about using and is powerless to do anything about it. I don’t understand how the program could have failed him? He had all the support he needed from his parents, myself, the rehab centre that he went to. What went wrong? He had made it up to Step 5. Why didn’t the obssession go away? Will it ever go away? This is his 8th rehab. I see him hurting whenever he f**s up, he really wants to change..so why can’t he do so? I’ve seen him when he was clean - so disciplined and meticulous…he was so different it’s like he transforms into a monster on drugs.Is there hope for him? I want to support him, but is it worth it?? Will this ever end? Or is it best to get out of this vicious cycle.
Any insight from alcoholic-addicts out there?
Hi Dazed
I wish I had the answers for you but I’m afraid none of us have a crystal ball. If you listen to the stories out there of people with significant clean time many of them will tell you of how they struggled on for years and years with relapses, sometimes getting several years clean and then relapsing, then a few more years and then relapsing….just a long and sad pattern that they went through before they finally “got it.”
And of course some never “get it.”
Unfortunately there is no way to predict who is going to achieve long term sobriety and who will fail. It’s not real fair to those like you, I know.
You have to do some soul searching and decide if you want to stick by him or not. Sometimes even the best people are the sickest addicts. I wish I had more wisdom for you. You should pray about it and seek help locally for your answers on this…..
I’ve recently come back into the life of someone I was very close to years ago. He has had a dependancy on pain medications and alcohol for years before I came back into his life. 4 years ago he admitted himself to a treatment facility where he became sober until a few days ago and now he’s back to drinking. We both though how wonderful it was that we were back in each other’s lives and now that we’re both divorced we may be able to start something new for ourselves. He felt peace with me and I could see that in his eyes. I don’t know what caused him to relapse but now he says I should let go of him because this is the existence he chose and doesn’t want to subject anyone else to his hell. That’s how he put it. I know underneath the hurt that he is a good man, very loving, trustworthy and caring. He is dealing with the anger of his kids who range in age from 22 down to 15 (the anger especially from the 15 year old). I feel that he has so much guilt that he feels he deserves the life of pain he’s chosen for himself so has reverted back to drinking. I have let him know several times that I will support him and that everyone deserves to be happy if they are willing to turn their life around. No matter how low of a point one is in their life as long as they take one step at a time to move up from that then they move their life in a positive direction. I have told him these things and that kids will adjust eventually to divorce, you just have to keep reminding them how much you love them and understand their anger even if you can’t relate to the pain their going through if you haven’t had divorced parents. I really saw potential in us but right now he seems to want to fall back into the “comfortable” life he had numbing the pain.
I am thinking of trying to contact his parents even though he said they’ve been done with him long ago. I have a 20 year old son myself and if he were hurting no matter how disappointed I was with his life I’d want to help. Should I try to go this route? Also, should I contiually send a message to him just saying that I’m here whenever you feel like you’re ready for recovery again or will that be pushing myself on him too much? You suggest in your article to attend al-anon meetings. I’ve asked him if I could attend but at the time he said he’d rather not. Should I attend on my own to get a better understanding or wait to see if or when he’d want me back in his life?
Thank you
To clarify the last part of my post, I’ve asked him if I can attend AA meetings with him, he’s been going for 4 years, but he said he’d rather not have me attend with him.
I think this is the best site on addiction I have found.. everyone is so NON judgmental.. what a breath of fresh air.
I find myself living a life thats sureal to me, to say the least. I met Rob last Jan 15th.. via a work appt w/ a client. He was out with them because he divorce was final that day. Having ended a 20 year marriage 2 years ago I never would date someone just out of a marriage. But I liked him.. there was something about him, like a lost puppy that needed a friend. I knew he “liked” me but I was very clear that I was not interested for many reasons.. the more I got to know him the more I knew something wasnt right. This will be way too long of a post if I go into everything but I will fast forward to March. I was down at his house which is 2 hours from my home and blew 3 disks in my neck. He took me to the hospital where I had my neck fused from C4-C7. I was a freaking mess.. I was all jacked up on pain medication and in more pain than I could stand. I had to stay down there because my neruo surgeon was there and also I couldn’t drive 2 hours home. I started to see things why I was staying with him, but he assured me i was just “seeing things”. Well as I healed and stopped my medication I KNEW what I was seeing was right. I found out Rob was a 18 year coke user, alcoholic, smoker, didn’t have a valid drivers license in 18 years, arrested 30 times, his mother paid his mortgage, while married to his ex wife they did coke, drank and smoked daily while she was pregnant with his son. I left and told him never to contact me again.. He couldnt let me go.. he was sick obsessed in love or whatever you want to call it.. Well I am home one month and find out I’m pregnant.. which in itself is unreal being I’m supposed to be infertile, my other children was fertility drug babies, and I had 5 miscarriages and I’m 41. How can this be???? I called him, of course he thought this was the best thing in the world… all I kept thinking is this guy went through 10,000 dollars of my money when I stayed with him, broke my car, lied and used me. AND HE’S AN ADDICT!!! And here I am pregnant.. not able to work, no money and just trying to get my life together after the devastating end of my 20 year marriage. I was very close to terminating the pregnancy because I found out so early on, but he kept calling me a baby killer, and totally messed with my mind. I decided once I was going to keep the baby to “fix” him. . I was VERY cocky and native to think I had that kind of power. I’ve never in my life known someone with this kind of addiction. He lied and made empty promises. He is so emotionally and verbally abusive I couldnt stand it. He lied and manipulated me. I had moved in with him for 2 months. One day when he was at work I went on my computer and found he downloaded some really wack porn.. seems he has a balloon fetish. Ive never heard such a thing.. there were all these videos of girls blowing up balloons. But what really freaked me out was a few thumbnails I saw of kids blowing up beachballs and stuff.. I paid a taxi 300.00 to take me home. I was heart sick and realized he is in need of help… more than I could offer. When we spoke I told him what I found, he of course freaked out at me, its my fault shouldnt have looked blah blah blah… I told him he needs to go to meetings, therapy and get rid of the scumbags he calls friends. He started going to meetings.. and was doing really well. I refused to move back, he still wasnt doing the therapy or getting rid of the friends.. then a 6 weeks ago all hell broke loose… he calls me from the city and tells me he was going to buy drugs and changed his mind and got into a fight with a guy when he wouldnt buy and the cops where there, then he said that didnt happen he wanted me to feel bad for him, then 2 weeks later he calls me drunk at the train station and tells me he is going to jump because he cant have me.. I was a mess.. then last Sunday night (2 weeks ago) hes calling me and ends up at one of his drug friends houses. He would call and hang up .. then send me photos of where he was.. I cannot tell you how heartsick and worried I was.. see I knew where he was because he has one of my cell phones and I know who he talks to and can see the time he talks and makes calls. Everything exploded. I am tired of being a baby sitter, being verbally abused.. My pregnancy is VERY high risk, I am on bed rest. I am going to have to have a blood transfusion, hysterectomy and will lose up to 50 percent of my intestines during my c section. I am at my witts end.. He keeps blaming me on his using because I wont be with him. I can’t live a life like this.. I don’t deserve this nor does this baby. I don’t know what to do.. I do love him in some weird way but he is so not my type. I don’t know how I will ever trust him or anyone else for that matter. I can’t go to Al Anon meetings because I’m stuck in bed. How much brain damage does one have from 18 years of drug abuse? He had a horrible childhood and the worst self esteem I’ve ever seen.. I really wanted to help him.. but it’s beyond my means… thanks so much and God bless all of you..
Wow that is quite a story there Michelle, sounds like you have had quite a ride with this guy. I know that’s not fair to you and it’s not fair to your baby. I hope things can somehow work out for you, and I would encourage you to find some local resources that can give you professional help in some capacity. Good luck to you.
I just don’t know what to do.. I am dying a little more each day from the inside out.. this poor baby does not deserve this
I am working with Alanon but I cant go to the meetings so we talk via the phone and they are trying to put together a meeting to come to my house
I have a 21 year old daughter that is addicted to oxycontin. She was clean for a year but when her boyfriend broke up with her she started using again. She said she doesn’t care about herself and wants to die. After reading your articles and postings, I realize that I need to stop saving her by picking up all the peices she leaves in her destructive wake. As hard as it is, I need to let go and let her suffer the consequences of her actions. I know I need to let her hit bottom, but how does a mother do that knowing that bottom could be death? She still lives in our home, so I’m thinking of giving her an ultamatum that either she gets clean or she needs to move. Any thoughts?
Hi there Tami….no easy answer for you, I’m afraid, as doing the “tough love” approach has probably killed a few addicts over the years.
But on the other hand, not doing the “tough love” thing has probably killed even more. So it is not an easy situation by any means and you can’t play the “what if” game with yourself… the answer is to get help yourself and then behave in the best way you know how so that you are not enabling her. This might mean setting the boundaries and limits that you are talking about eventually and saying either she needs to get help or get out. This might not be unreasonable depending on your situation. Best is to get to some local Al-Anon meetings and get some feedback with these types of decisions. Good luck to you and your daughter at any rate and God bless.
Thank you Patrick. I’m going to an Al Anon meeting tomorrow evening. We have decided to tell our daughter that if she wants to continue to live here, she will submit to random drug tests. If she passes, great! If she doesn’t, she needs to move immediately. She will also have to relinquish her car that we co-signed for. She has been through treatment and knows what it takes to get and stay clean. I’m hoping having a roof over her head and a car is more important to her than drugs. I guess we’ll see. I would love to hear from other moms with children addicted to Oxycontin. It is an epidemic in my town. It would be great to be able to support each other and share ideas. Again thank you all for letting me vent. I’ll keep you posted.
I have a 32 year old twin brother who has an alcohol and drug (pot) addiction since he was 16 years old. I want to help him but he says that life is no good without alcohol and drugs. He says he is not ready to give it up yet. I’m scared that he will die at a young age because of it. He’s pretty frail for his age and size. I know that some of his addiction is from the lack of parental guidance and attention that we grew up in, so it is psychological too. I’ve asked him to go to AA meetings and offered to go along for support but he refuses. I suggested for hime to read some information about alcoholism in his private time but he just laughs and says he doesn’t need it though he admits he’s an alocholic. He’s a very sweet and caring person when he’s sober but becomes a different person entirely when he’s drunk. I learned a lot from this site and I’m glad I found it. I’ll take and apply the steps listed. Thanks for listening.
Good job for 30yrs, reliable, educated, intelligent, thoughtful, kind… his family adores him. He lied that he was a social drinker and after I fell in love with him he tells me drinks too much and now drinks heavily almost every night. Now he wants to end the relationship, saying that it’s too hard on me, after I realized that he’s an alcoholic and started setting boundries. He admires others, he says, who make their loved ones get help and then tells me to go away. I feel guilty when I think about standing by and doing nothing, yet I know there is little that I can really do. I believe that he wants me out of his way and at the same time doesn’t want to be alone and unloved and I believe that he loves me and wants me to be a part of his life. He wants me to make him stop his behaviors and coaches me on how. I feel responsible for knowing and not telling. I feel I’m a part of his destruction by staying in his life. I love him and don’t want to go, but feel that I must. Maybe leaving is the only want to help. Any professionals out there who really know how to help these wonderful, yet self destructive people who are hell bent on killing themselves with alcohol and how to help those who stay to help them stay healthy.
Hi there Beth
To me it is a little bit twisted that he is angry that you are not pushing him more to change his behavior. In fact, that is really messed up. I believe they refer to this as being passive-aggressive. Very destructive mindset and I don’t think you deserve to be scorned because he is a drunk. That makes no sense at all.
My thought on this is that you need to stand up for yourself and basically say “hey, I love you, and I want to see you get better. But nagging you or pushing you to change is NOT really MY responsibility….it is YOUR responsibility.” The fact that he is sort of shifting the blame on to you for HIS drinking is really quite disturbing. I would put my foot down at that and stand up for yourself.
My son is 23. He was in a rehab over 2 yrs ago for heroin. Since he has relapsed 5-7 times? He also drinks, and smokes pot. I think he just detoxed himself last weekend. What a mess. I talk to him about getting help, and he says he doesnt have a problem…Just smokes sometimes…i tell him he is only lying to himself, as we can all see the truth. After reading this site, it is what I learned while he was in rehab. Only the addict can get help, and it will only work if they WANT it. I want it for him, just to see him move on in life. He still lives at home, he has to take a drug test, and I told him back on Dec 15 that he had 1 month, and if he doesnt pass he has to move out. This will be the hardest thing…Any advice from anyone? He is very immature.
Dear CRILYN,I have a boyfriend who is an addict of pot and i can say that i know it’s not fair others have to suffer b/c of an addiction. The worst part is that they don’t even realize how much you love and care for them, and how much pain they really cause you. I beleive the best thing to do is to just continue to encourage them to change. Let them know ur there for them as well, and make sure they feel loved. Getting away for awhile can also help, it worked on my boyfriend when we spent a week in a hotel/skii centre in Deerhearst up north. He got to spend time with me, get his mind off drugs and tried something new, which he loves now.. All i can say is if you kick him out, he’ll feel like you don’t care at all. Remember that drugs can sometimes change a person a LOT, they may say things they don’t really mean deep inside. Hope and Faith is what i held on to, and praying to God:)do what you honestly feel is the Best thing, and u won’t regret it<3 ur not alone
Rachelle. Thanks. There are so many sides on this topic…I have gone to alanon, and heard so many share their stories…But I still feel it is VERY different when it’s your child. I wish he wanted to change, but he says he doesnt have a problem. I encourage treatment all the time. And we just got back from being up north on a ski trip with family. He was “sick” the whole time. But my husband (his dad) and I both knew he was detoxing from heroin…again. Tonight is the night I was to kick him out. He has a bad headache. My younger son who is 18, is also sick of it. I have also been told it is very bad, to say something and then not follow through. My younger son was here tonight and kept asking if tonight is the night? This is so hard. I keep thinking I should give him an ultimatum, but then I know rehab only works if THEY want it…I have been praying and asking God for guidance for so long, and I still dont know what to do. Thanks again.
Wow!!! I feel so alone. My husband is the addict and he is out on the streets again. I am torn with whether to go get him AGAIN or just let him stay out there. Where we live, the winter temps are in the teens. Surely any human would want to be in from the cold. I sometimes feel that he is not human. We have a beautiful family, but he opts to come and go. It is so frustrating. I hate being here alone. We have no family where we live and family does not know what I am going through. It is tremendously difficult to keep going like this. I need a quick answer to this question about what to do. I am so afraid—-really afraid.
Al Wife, Im so sorry for you and your family. I know its easier to say than do…but, we can only be here for our loved ones when they want to get help. They have to want it. I want my son to get help more than he does..he doesnt even think he has a problem. I had to ask him to leave last night, and of course he didnt want to.The hardest thing I had to do in a long time. I have asked him to leave before, but told him he could come home, only because I was scared for him. This time I have to let go and let GOD. Believe me its easier said than done! Go rent your favorite movie, take a hot bath, and above all pray. Pray that God will bring wisdom to your husband and strength to both of you. I feel like crying all the time, but when I do I have to remember that these are CHOICES they have made. We never made them do anything. And life has to go on for you. Do you have children? If so are they still at home? Life for all of you is the farthest thing from normal, but you have to show them that it will go on. Sometimes it feels like I cant, but I have to for my younger son. He is watching all of the time, and absorbing it all in. Sorry you dont have family close, I also have no one close. But I have confided in my brothers. They are only a phone call away. I hated telling them, but it felt so good to tell someone that cares about me! Also this is life..And right now my life feels upside down, but I know this too shall pass. Good luck to you. I will check on here later, if you need anything.
Im 25 years old but my boyfriend is 40. We were best friends for about a year, we met at our jobs at the hospital. we’ve been sleeping together for about 2 months though and we fell in love pretty quick.
He told me he has a drinking problem and I didn’t take it seriously but I started to notice that he wants to drink almost all the time when he’s off of work and when I come over. He drinks over long periods of time like 18 hours straight and after like 6 hours he starts to yell and get rowdy. Never violent but rowdy none the less.
He has stomach pains and when I come over I can’t go to sleep because he is being drunk and rowdy and won’t go to bed. I noticed his family is always concerned about his drinking which tells me I should be concerned too.
Problem is I smoke pot and am pretty prone to substance abuse myself. He has asked me to tell him to stop drinking. He says he can’t stop unless someone makes him. I know he wants my help and we love each other so much I just don’t know what to do because this is my first real relationship with a guy and he’s 15 years older then me.
He’s never been married and he has no children so I don’t have any of his previouse relationships to help me figure this out. He’s asked me for help but then he turns around and says he wants to drink on special ocasions.
could someone help me out here I’m pretty young and inexperianced with this. My sister is a recovering crack addict but I was never around her when she was doing drugs so im not sure how to handle this.
Hi there Laura
The whole thing with “he has asked me to tell him to stop drinking”…that is really messed up and cannot possibly work out in any good way.
If he quits drinking for you then he has not truly quit. He can only stop for himself.
And I can tell you from experience that if you are still smoking pot and he tries to give up the booze, he will secretly resent your smoking and he will eventually drink.
Every addict is different but for me, smoking pot is just another dangerous drug and it will ruin my life just as bad as Cocaine or Alcohol or whatever. The reason for this is because it allows me to escape my feelings and eventually I will revert to my drug of choice (which is alcohol). So I know for me that I can not possibly smoke pot without destroying my life again. It will lead me back to the booze.
In the same way, be cautious of your boyfriend trying to substitute one drug for another (yes alcohol is a drug). If he tries to quit drinking and starts smoking with you, things are headed for trouble.
I don’t see him quitting if you are still smoking. I know that seems weird and unfair but I think that’s how it will go for you. You might consider the idea of quitting yourself if you really want to see him get sober.
At any rate good luck to both of you.
Patrick,
Can you please tell me the type of rehab this site says is the best for drug addiction? I wrote in about my son. He is 23. Smokes pot every chance, drinks, and his drug of choice is heroin. He was in a rehab 2 yrs ago, and relapsed many times since. I’m at my wits end. I asked him to leave Thursday, but he has been around here and there. Says he is hungry. Slept on the couch from 7-10 this am. As he said he was cold. He has been sleeping in his truck in front of the house. Any advice I would appreciate. Please help? Do you know anything about “Smart Recovery”? I came upon the site, and wanted to see if you have any input. Thanks for anything, Carilynn
Hi there Carilynn
I personally do not think any particular rehab has a significant edge over the others.
Seriously. I don’t care if it costs 30 thousand per month (some do, and even more). Those places have identical success rates to the regular “average” rehab facilities.
Different treatment philosophies don’t matter either. Statistically, some studies give a slight edge to 12 step recovery, but not enough to be statistically significant (in other words, no provable difference).
You will find that 90 percent of the treatment industry is 12 step based. I take issue with some of their ideas, but the support you get there will be better than anywhere else (because the 12 step model is so widespread). So it makes sense to me to go ahead and roll with the punches and use the widespread support that 12 step recovery offers.
Just know that recovery can and does exist outside the boundaries of traditional 12 step recovery. Good luck to you and your son.
I need help pretty quickly. My 21 year old daughter is married with 3 yr. old twins. She is addicted to Methadone and darn near any other pain med she can get her hands on. Her doctor prescribed the Methadone for her chronic pain around 2 years ago, but has begun weaning her off of it - replacing it with Lyrica. My daughter isn’t handling it well. She will buy or steal pain meds at every turn. She’s also begun drinking. I believe she’s been an “on again/off again” addict for years, now.
Her husband is taking the kids and leaving her. Right now they live with my parents, but they’ve been told that if one leaves, they all leave. She isn’t welcome where he is going so he’s been trying to call me to see if she can come live with us. My fiance and I live about 70 miles away.
First, convincing her to come here is gonna be a feat on its own. Second, is it a good idea? There are no prescription medications here for her to steal, any alcohol that is here can be easily dumped and access to people she can buy from would be severely limited. My hope is to help her get through the withdrawals and possibly even help her see she needs professional help.
I am scared because she is a master manipulator (especially with me), she has stolen before and at her addictions height - she is unpredictable.
Even if my parents said she could stay, I wouldn’t want her to. My mom is terminal and takes a LOT of medications. My daughter has stolen from her before. Remorse comes much later. Addiction comes first. Even before her twins.
I’m sorry this is so dis-jointed. So much to say - but trying to cover the crucial areas.
I’m anxious to read your e-book but have to wait for a new post.
I guess my most pressing question is - should I take her in? If so, do I set harsh boundaries? What should I expect of her? I’m lost and scared and truly heartbroken over this. Please help.
Hi there Stressed and Depressed
The big question at hand is: Should you take her in?
Now I can’t say yes or no one way or the other, that is a tough decision for anyone and you are gonna have to weigh your options. But consider the following when you weigh your decision:
1) How much time, effort, and energy are you going to have to spend YOURSELF if you take her in? Do you have other responsibilities and obligations? Kids, job, other family to attend to, etc.? It is not right to sacrifice yourself if bringing her into your home is going to be too disruptive to you.
2) Are there alternatives, especially treatment? If you can find a local treatment center that will take her in, that should be your answer right there. If she is unwilling to go to treatment then I would NOT bring her into my home. This is simply more manipulation. If she is ready to change then she will be willing to do treatment. If not, then she is not finished using yet and trying to help her is probably a mistake.
3) Bottom line, IF you agree to help her in any way, it has to be on YOUR terms only. If she is trying to hedge or gain certain favors, then all your efforts are for nothing because she will not be ready to make a real change in her life.
That is just my quick opinion of course, best case scenario is to get her into treatment somewhere (easier said then done, I know). Good luck to both of you….
addicts and ex addicts all seem to have one thing in common: they are all totally self involved. so what if you got depressed when giving up? what do you think about the depression people around you have been suffering for years dealing with your stupid embarrassing behaviour, your lack of support, your drain on family finances which have basucally been pouring down a ointless bottomless pit for x amount of years? It just goes to show you cant teach someone compassion or empathy for others. Maybe thats the missing gene in addictive personalities.
Im so sad,i feel distant frm my life,i live it in a daze.i pray mst of my day until my thoughts wonder and i think back…my mum remaried 9yrs ago to a guy who drinks,smokes marijuana and anything else that hs friends does,she sumhow got addicted 2 rocks which i found out about 4 mnths ago.my 32yr old sister was a prostitute, sumhow got addicted 2 tik and alcohol about a 3yrs ago,she was in and out of rehab last year finaly stayed clean for 7mnths got a good job then relapsed 2 days ago with alcohol.she wanted 2 stay with me for 2 days as that is her rehabs rule if u relapse they kick u out 4 two days then u hv 2 compl asignments and hv 2 write a motivational letter 2 say why they shuld take u back,ths caused more harm than good…i culd nt take her with me as my inlaws do nt knw about her being in rehab and i dnt want them 2 knw,im ashamed,i was scared her behaviour,or sumthing she wuld say wuld gv them a sign that she uses ,she also smelled like alcohol i culdnt bring her here,nw that she started tik again i feel guilty,why culd i nt just hv lied and said she is sick or sumthing she wuld nt hav used tik again,im filled with remorse,as i blame myself.my younger sister,23yr old, uses tik aswel she stays clean mnths then does it again,she says bcause she is bored,she is unemployed and has stayed clean 4 one mnth,without rehab,she insist she does nt need help but has becum a shel,has no self confidence,thinks she ugly,gets puzled al the time,ds nt talk much and feels sad constantly, until my older sister supplied her wen she relapsed,i warned my older sister if she suplies my younger sister i wuld cut her out of my life,she gv her drugs that very same day.i hv also found out my 17yr old brother is smoking marajuana.my mum claims 2 hv stoped,she is very edgy anything minor upsets her,without rehab but i dnt knw if she has,i just trust that she has.problem is they al live in one house,i stay with my inlaws whom dnt knw a thing about my familys addictions,i hv a supporting husband and kids,thank GOD 4 that.but my families addictions is starting 2 realy scare me as 2 what if 1 of them dies,i luv them al so much,i go to them every frid, sat and sunday and during the week….hw do i show tough luv 2 my mum the 1 who raised me,my darling sisters who were always by my side and my adorable caring brother who we almst lost as a baby 2 chronic asthma.is there any free rehabs in cape town?
@ Lynda - If you were involved in the fellowships of recovery you would see that there is no lack of empathy going on…it is something deeper that breaks inside of the addict. Many addicts are very caring people even though their behavior in addiction can be extremely selfish. There are no excuses of course, but you would be amazed if you got to know some people who are truly working a program of recovery.
@ Anonymous - rehab is never free but sometimes it can be funded by the state or by government agencies. This will depend on where you live and also what your insurance and financial situation is. Some people CAN go to rehab with no insurance and no money and do it on a grant through state monies. Call up all your local rehabs and talk to them and get the info…this is how to start the process of healing. Good luck to you and your family….
Patrick, my 31 yr. old son lives 2000 miles away and even though has a good job, finally realized he needed help with his alcohol addiction. I called the AA hot line and asked many questions and they directed me to have him call and he is now in a 28 day rehab,the problem is he calls and blames me for not helping him solve his future job,money, bills etc. problems..I have no way of knowing how to solve HIS problems and realize I need to detach and that he needs to do all these things himself. How does one know when the love stops and the enabling begins? I cannot financially pay his upcoming bills, he made way more money than I and he is constantly lying, in fact I have begun to know that most of what he says is a lie…I am deciding to not take his calls because he gets in such a state that he just yells and becomes irrational to me. I have told him I wont talk to him when he starts talking about relapsing, he is only 14 days into rehab, and then I tell him I love him and hangup…my head tells me I am detaching and making boundries, but the mom in my heart worries so about him. I just pray in the next two weeks he begins to “see the light” or he will not get it and then he will lose his job, place to live etc. As a recovering person, Patrick, do you feel it is best to detach from a loved one and thus make them face their fate basically alone? Thankyou for your great site and advice.
Patrick, my brother is a drug-addict. He went to rehab about 9 months ago and was kicked out for using drugs in rehab. Now it seems that he has his life back in order. He finally has a job and he is no longer living with my parents. I have a feeling that he is still using because he is very manipulative and very much into himself. My parents are constantly getting angry with me because I don’t believe that everything is back to normal. I feel like they should not trust him yet. They do a lot for him too, like picking him up and taking him places, letting him come over when they are not home, letting him always do his laundry here, and eat here almost everyday. They really feel like they are helping him and I am not so sure. I feel like he should be doing all of these things without any help, and I feel like there should be rules and boundaries while he is at their house. What do you think? If he is clean is it still okay?
@ Judy - It sounds like he is going to be worked up regardless of what you do. It’s a tough time for him, period. I think you are correct that he is going to have to find his own path through this, and your sending him money is not the answer. Hopefully a light will click on for him in rehab and he will calm down and do what he has to do to stay clean. If not, maybe this is a step on his path towards sobriety. Most people I talk with have had to go to treatment a couple of times before they “got it.” Don’t give up hope.
@ Katie - Well I guess that is a trust issue, and over time, if he stays clean, it will resolve itself because you will trust him more and more. But if it is still early then you might be right to be cautious. I would try to be supportive of him while still nudging him towards independence in some way.
Hi,
I have a son who is 24. About 4 years ago he went to Teen Challenge and God did an absolutely miraculous work. He also gave him a dream job. the man he worked for recently got cancer and died. This was too much for our son to handle and he began using again. this summer his father and I had to kick him out of the house. He was here this past weekend and I noticed how skinny he has become. His brother told me of some disturbing information and also set boundaries for his brother. He chose to leave there. I am very afraid his life is at risk! I am having a difficulty sleeping and can’t get him off my mind. He lies and tells us there is no problem. How would you advise me?
Thank you!!!!
Darcy
hi, my boyfriend of 8 years was introduced to cocaine a few years ago by someone he worked with. since then he drinks almost everyday and uses occasionally. his excuse is it keeps him awake(when he drinks) we have a small child and i am very uncomfortable with this situation. i told his mother but she is unable to help. i am so angry i almost called his boss. what if i did? besides going to Al-anon what is the right thing to do?
@ Darcy - I have heard of Teen Challenge but the people I have spoke with have never really talked highly of it. Of course I am sure that it works for some. You might encourage a halfway house or more traditional recovery routes like 12 step meetings too. You can’t force anyone to do anything, as I’m sure you know by now. Pray and offer to help him with treatment.
@ I - I don’t think I would call his boss, that could create HUGE resentment and drama that could seriously escalate your problems. And I don’t think you should threaten to do so either. (Never make hollow threats that you do not intend to keep).
What you should do is carefully consider your boundaries. Then get to a position where you can enforce them. This is easier said then done and that is why you need SUPPORT. That is why I suggest Al-Anon. Without this support you are struggling against yourself in a way. Find a way to get help for yourself and this can give you the strength to act with confidence regarding your relationship problems.
I have been married to an addict for a little over a year. There have been periods of sobriety throughout our relationship, but it never lasts. He always falls back into it. I will not deny that I have been enableing at times. I have never been ok or supportive of his behavior, but I would choose to drive him if he was drunk to get what he wants instead of sending him loose to kill himself or someone else. He has been sober 40 days today, but he is so depressed. When I ask him about what makes him really happy it is always partying and drugs. We are unconnected and it is really hard. His addiction is VERY severe, but he doesn’t believe he had a “problem” until I came along. Basically he was single for a long time and he would go out and drink and do hard drugs all the time just running wild. I do not do either. There was a very bad situation that happened when he was all messed up and I almost left him. He always blames me for his bad behavior when under the influence because I wont get all messed up with him and be on the same level. That is his excuse for him abusing me… I don’t do drugs WITH him.
I am so depressed myself because I cannot do anything to make him happy or help ease his struggle. I just don’t know what to do but I see this marriage ending if he doesn’t change. I love him so much and he goes as far as saying he wants me to leave and our marriage was a mistake almost every time he starts getting tempted. The funny thing is, when he does give in and do something then he says he loves me blah blah blah…. and I stay. Needless to say the situation is way worse than I have described here and I am just torn. I have been hoping that he would just snap out of this and be ok, but now I am thinking that’s not going to happen. I am so afraid because he never sees a “future”. He is just obsessed with moving to a big city (we live in a very small town). I would like to move too, but I am so scared that once we do he is just going to start running around wild all the time. He’s already almost cheated on me several times, gotten physical, and has been very emotionally/verbally abusive under the influence and under the stress of sobriety….
I guess I just have no idea what the next step is because I am pretty much just “living” here. Married but totally unconnected and struggling to find happiness…. Ordinarily I am so happy and optimistic, but not I just feel empty…
I’m in a tough spot. Someone I truly care about does a serious amount of coke daily. IDK how to help. I’ve tried telling him he’s hurting me. Doesn’t stop. Tried Telling him I care. Doesn’t stop. What do I do? I need help to help him! I’m scared for him I really am. If you know how I can help him TEXT or CALL me at 3614331356….Thank You
Thanks for being there. My 33 yr old son escaped a coke addiction a few years ago, after a horrible divorce. A few weeks ago the dr prescribed wellbutrin to help him quit smoking. He totally changed…depressed, couldn’t work, started using gas (his friends told me),and the dr gave him clonipin..which he is taking too much of every day. He broke up with his girlfriend, has terrible stress with his business partner, owes his parents money, and is losing his house. I want to help him..but don’t know what to do. He has promised to make an appointment with the psychiatrist his dr recommended. Should I be checking in to rehab centers? He isn’t ready ot admit his has a problem other than being too anxious..and promises not to do the gas again. What should I say to him? We live in different states, and I am so worried about his mental and emotional state. He lives alone. I will try anything to help him before this gets any worse…thank you!
I have a brother who turned 18 in January. I am his older sister and have always tried to look out for him. However, since he is 18 he thinks he is an adult and is very disrespectful to me and my parents. He was using all kinds of drugs a year ago and even overdosed in school. He says he is clean and we have had his urine and blood checked which proves he is telling the truth. His attitude changed for the better but now he seems to have transformed into what he was before. We can’t find anything in his drug tests but still suspect he using. He won’t talk to anyone, wants to move out, and is barely going to graduate in June. What do I do?
Hi everyone, Just came to this site because I have recently been confronted with a hard situation. I have an ex who during our 3 year relationship,( which has been off and on) he has relapsed 4 times. After the last time I didn’t see him for many months, then found out he had been sober for about 1 year.(he never got ahold of me then!) Through a mutual friend I found out he was “out there” again. I found him and decided to help him out…again. During our time apart I worked hard on my spirituality and finally came to terms that I was ok, and relatively serene. My life has been moving forward in a positive way. I let him come back to live with me for that past 3 weeks. I just asked him to leave, I don’t feel as if am myself around him. I take on his drama. He just called me and told me he drank. I’m not taking any responsibility for that decision, but feel bad. I do care about this person, aren’t we supposed to be there for the suffering addict/alcoholic?
Any advice?
Thankyou.
Thank you so much for your advice regarding detachment. I became a carer for a young woman when she was evicted and her parents were out of the country. She has tried and failed to detox thrice in the last four months, is spending her state benefits on smack rather than rent, and will shortly be evicted again.
hi there. i am contacting you on behalf of my 62 year old mother in-law. her 39 year old son lives at home with her and her partner. he has had a drink problem for a long time. he seems to go on binges every 6-8 weeks. the last time this happened he attacked his mum’s partner,(thankfully not too seriously). she felt she had no choice but to call the police. he was arrested and his mum told him he was’nt welcome back home. he went to court and was told he had to do community service. this was all before xmas. and his mum did allow him back home. he has however, turned to drink again, downing bottles and bottles of vodka and obvisously not doing his community service. he stays in his room until he runs out of drink. his mum is so worried that he will go out of the house for more drink that she has ended up getting it for him. she feels that he is killing himself as he never eats, just drinks. this time it has been nearly three weeks so far. she has noone to turn to and everyone else has giving up on him. its ruining her life as well as his. i don’t know what to tell her and she does’nt know what to do. has anyone got any advice.
@ Anon, Darcy, Ash, Carol, Amber, and Anonymous - There are so many stories here and it all sounds like the same thread is running through it all….you all are powerless over these people in your lives who are out of control. The solution to your problem will START when you accept that you are powerless over them. That is the first step right there. Now once you realize the need to detach from these problems you can give the problems back to the people and be free from them. I know that sounds like an impossibility in some cases but it can be done. Detachment takes practice.
Remember that sometimes people need to go through some pain before they will be moved to change. If you deny them this pain then they will not get any closer to deciding to quit drinking or using. A harsh reality this is but it is one that sometimes needs to be utilized. If you have extended your hand and they continue to refuse to get help then you need to make peace with this fact and realize that you have done what you can. Let it go at this point and pray on it. Offer to help, offer to get them to treatment, but if they continue to self destruct then you must not let yourself get wrapped up in this drama. Detach from it. If you don’t know how to do this then get to an Al-Anon meeting and ask them how and they will guide you. It is not easy and it takes practice but you can regain some sanity if you work at it….
Hi, I am in so need of some advise. I have a sister that has an alcoholic boyfriend. He crossed that line and got drunk and hit her with a phonebook. My parents confronted the boyfriend and my sister flies off the handle and says we owe her boyfriend an apology. But of course he was drunk and was cursing so bad towards my parents. When he is sober he doesn’t treat her very well. And also he is a moocher has no job and living off of her. What can I do to help her get out of this situation. It is so frustrated watching someone you love in a hurtful relationship. And we have tried to back off thinking overtime she will open her eyes. But now that line was crossed when he hit her with a phonebook we are so scared to it building up to more physical abuse. Thanks for your help.
My husband and I were together for 15 years. When we first met, he was honest with me and told me he had a cocaine addiction years before we met and that he was in recovery. Everything was wonderful in the beginning of our relationship. My husband was a respected professional who took great pride in the quality of his work. He was a great partner in life and we did so many great things together. Then eleven years into our marriage, everything changed. My husband’s behavior became erratic. He became forgetful. He began sleeping all the time. He locked himself away in his den and became paranoid and secretive. He lied about where he went and how much money he was spending. He began missing work and his work performance was affected terribly. As we worked together at our own business, I began taking on more and more responsibilities at work and at home. The strain of covering for him and taking on all our professional and personal responsibilities took a toll on me and I can remember days when I didn’t want to leave the house or talk to any of my friends or family. My husband eventually ended up spending all of his time locked in his den getting high and drunk. He’d pass out on the floor where he would lie unconscious for hours. He would then be up for days, barely ate, and his behavior even became threatening at times if he thought I ever told anyone about his addiction. One day, as I looked at him passed out on the living room floor, naked, his mouth burned and his hands black from his crack pipe, I thought…I don’t know this person, I don’t like this person, and I don’t want to be with him anymore. I finally had enough. My husband was lost. I had to save my own sanity and I finally packed up my things and left. It was the best thing I ever did for myself. I left everything behind. I found a new job, filed for divorce and am now seeing a new man with whom I share a wonderful relationship. My ex husband is now living in an apartment with other people who are also addicts. He lost his business and is unable to find work. He is thin, and looks like he has aged 20 years. The day I left him, I thought I would be upset and distraught, but to the contrary, it was like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders, and looking back on that day, it was the best decision I ever made. I feel bad for my ex, but there was absolutely nothing I could do to save him, but I certainly could save myself. I wish everyone here the best of luck, and hope you will all find peace and happiness as life is far too short to live it unhappy, discontented and hopeless.
I have read some of your stories and decided to ask for some advice. I have a 21 year old daughter who is a drug addict, we live about 2 hrs away from each other. she is pretty much homeless I would say, because she has burned so many bridges with family. I recently got married and can’t have her live with me because I know she wouldn’t get any better, I inable her too much, because I feel guilty if I don’t help her (money). I always believe her when she says she is not spending the money on drugs but on places to stay or food. but she always seems to get waisted soon after I “help her out”. I just found out she has been taken to a hospital by ambulance because of drugs. I called and talked to her on the phone and she is still in the ER but was able to talk. My question. Do I drive down and bring her home with me and do the whole 2 days of sleep and then let her mentally abuse me for awhile and then send her on her way again? or Let her figure it out and hopefully she will admit herself into a rehab because she has nowhere to go? I don’t know what to do without feeling guilty for doing nothing or inableing her once again. I really am struggling with this.
@ Crissy - Not much you can do other than encourage her to leave or to report the abuse. I would certainly try to one or both of those things if she is in real danger.
@ Sue - Sounds like you have bent over backwards for her in the past and she is not about to change if you keep handing her money. Why would she? I would not either….just the truth from another addict who has been there. It takes what it takes, and if someone keeps bailing me out with more cash when I’ve used up all my drugs and I’m out of food and so on, then why would I stop if they keep handing me money?
You need to get help Sue, help for YOU, for yourself, so that you do not let allow yourself to be overwhelmed with guilt. That is not fair and you should not feel bad about putting your foot down. Good luck to you….
my brother has been a heroin addic for many years and has done soe bad stuff to our family mainly my mum and dad ie robbing there home mum’s gold demanding money and getting violent,he is currently again in prison we don’t know what for this time but it probaly for drugs or drug related he is constantly in and out of prison our family very rarely see him he lives in a different town,we he comes down my mum and dad make excuses as too why they can’t see him or why he can’t come round they are just worried bout what he may do and he always wants money,for some reason when i heard he was in priso again i wanted to see him write to him and more importly help him i haven’t seen or heard from him in over 4 yrs he has 2 girls and the youngest is now 4 and ive never seen her.i want to help him but not sure how to go about it or where to start the next time i see my brother i don’t want it to be at his funeral i understand that his addicton is an illness and i want to help him.
So many of these stories sound familiar, and I’ve been searching for a place to help me, which is very hard to find. I have been with my boyfriend for about 7 months. When I met him he had just been released from prison. He was there for theft, obviously due to his drug addiction. He was there for a year. He said going there was the best thing that happened to him, he is now clean and sober and ready to live a productive life. I’m not sure what kind of counceling he got for drugs while in there, if any. He said that he wanted nothing to do with crack anymore, which is what he was doing previously. He and I fell in love very quickly, he seemed like the perfect guy. We never wanted to be apart from eachother. About 2 months after we met he relapsed. He dissapearred and i didn’t know what happened to him. I couldn’t get in touch with him for a couple days, and found out he was with his ex, who was still daily doing crack. My boyfriend had a good job at the time and had money. They went through all of it, even stole some from his grandparents, who were giving him a place to stay since getting out of prison. I was devastated when I found out, and ironically ended up at a house where they were staying and when he saw me, he said his heat sank and he got away from her and started trying to contact me immedietly and for the next few days. I replied to him with very mean and nasty messages and finally gave in and talked to him a couple days later. He was not doing anything with his ex other than drugs. They had no physical contact.It took a couple weeks of us talking for us to be ok again. I tried to understand what happened and how he could risk losing me and he did lose his job, and he lost eveyone’s trust in him. He did his best to explain and promised it wouldn’t happen again. He said he didn’t even enjoy it this time, it just made him feel bad. So things got better and we started to continue our wonderful relationship. About 3 months later he was dealing with something very difficult. His grandparents house burnt down, and it was possibly due to his smoking and falling asleep. He was not doing drugs at the time, and the result of the fire was said to be electrical, but many still questioned if he actually caused it. They put them all up in a motel and one day out of the blue he took all his mother’s xanax, which was about 15. He was in bad shape, needless to say. Again we worked through this, and although I can understand how horrible he was feeling, I talked to him about finding other ways to deal with his problems. I told him we all have problems, and since I’ve never used drugs, I can’t understand what happens to him, but that he needs to find other ways to deal with things. I told him he can talk to me when he gets these feelings or talk to someone else that can help him. He agreed and we again moved on. I was glad he didn’t do crack at least that time. A few weeks after that we got an apartment together, which he paid the majority of. He paid all his fines that he needed to pay in order to get his drivers license back. He then bought a cheap truck. He was so proud of himself for his accomplishments. I let him know how proud I was of him too. We are together almost every minute of the day. We work together, so we drive to work every day together. We are home at night together, we never go out without each other. Our life together in our apartment has been wonderful. We don’t fight or argue about anything. We have both been so happy. A couple days ago I had to work on a Saturday, and he didn’t. He stayed home and cleaned the house and we planned to go to the store when I got home. We sent each other messages during the day saying how we missed each other and loved each other. Everything seemed just fine. When I got home from work he was sleeping and tired, which I assumed was due to him cleaning all day. I told him I would go to the store myself as long as he helped me bring the groceries in. He said that was fine. Then, while I was at the store he called and told me a friend of his needed him to go pick him up cause his car broke down. I thought it seemed strange and questioned him about this, but decided I was just being paranoid. 2 hours later he wasn’t back and I started to try to call him. When he does this crap he won’t answer his phone. And that’s when I started to freak out. I spent the night driving around looking for him, and you know the rest of the story. He relapsed. I know it’s not my fault, but i feel guilty for going to work that day and guilty for going to the store. I should have known something was wrong, but there were no warning signs that I can see. When he came back the next morning I wouldn’t let him in. Later I had him come pick up his clothes and leave. I was still worried about him, and found him later that day. I let him come stay at the apartment that night but I still haven’t let him bring his clothes back in. We went to work Monday and he seems fine. We had a long talk last night, and I promised him that I won’t stay with him if this ever happens again. He made all sorts of promises to me. We went through his phone and deleted all numbers of anyone that was even questionable. He then had me put in a password that he doesn’t know, and this won’t allow him to make or receive any calls that aren’t in his contact list. He also gave me his truck keys and told me he won’t go anywhere without me knowing. He said he’ll start putting his money into my account, which he can’t access, so he won’t have money unless I give it to him. He is also going to start going to AA. These are great things and I know he doesn’t want to use again, but it is so hard. I don’t know how to act around him. I am still very angry. But I don’t want my anger to make him do something stupid. I want to hug him and tell him I’m here for him, but at the same time I need him to know that i mean business, and let him know how much he’s hurt me. And although I want to help him 100%, I also want a boyfriend, I don’t want a child that i have to babysit every minute of the day. I really don’t know what to do. I am going to go to Al-anon and I hope this helps. I just don’t know if this is the right time to let him go or should I stay and see if he goes to AA and gets help and quits for good. I just really don’t want to go through this pain again, and I know there are no guarantees. Any advise would be greatly appreciated.
I am currently living with my boyfriend who has a 21 year old son who is addicted to crack and alcohol and has been for several years. He has been to every treatment facility that there is in our town numerous times. He has been kicked out before and sometimes he just leaves and doesn’t make contact with us for a week or so at a time. His dad “saves” him from every situation. When he disappears his father will actually drive around town to find him. He gives him cigarettes, alllows him to come “home” to eat and take a shower. The kid has no motivation to work or go beyond what his dad say’s to do. His dad even calls and makes appointments for him and takes off work to see that he gets where he needs to be. He is now in a rehab facility for the 2nd time this week, and his dad is already making comments about when he gets released in a week or two about him coming home. I disagree with most all of his decisions. I really feel like this kid can’t get to his real low and make a decision to get help, because his father is always bailing him out. What should I do???
@ Jayne - that is quite a story Jayne. You basically said it yourself, “there are no guarantees.” That is for sure and if I told you to stick with him for now or to back off then I would be doing you a disservice. I think this decision is between you and your higher power as there is nothing glaring in your story that says you absolutely should or should not give up on him at this point. I would encourage him to get help and also encourage you to attend Al-Anon. That is worrisome about the Xanax, those are dangerous pills especially when combined with booze. It is hard to make him understand how much he has hurt you, and he probably already knows he has and has is own guilt and shame in dealing with that. But that is no excuse and if it is too much then you should walk away. That is for you to decide and I cannot push you one way or the other. Prayers for both of you, good luck…..
@ Sue - I think you have to educate your boyfriend a bit on exactly what enabling is and how he is actually hurting his son when he thinks he is helping him. He doesn’t necessarily need to become Mr. Tough Love but he needs to understand what is happening and make some changes it sounds like. Not sure what the best approach is for this in terms of educating him but you need to get through to him somehow. Get him to Al-Anon or simply explain it yourself, that the son needs to go through some pain if he is going to change on his own…..good luck…..
My 27 yr old son is going back to court next week on numerous burglary/grand theft charges. He got out of jail last October, promising/vowing never to hurt himself or his family by getting back on drugs. He was smoking herion and crack, and taking any kind of pills he could buy or steal. He stole from family and friends all the time, to the point where he was basically living on the street when he was arrested because no one would trust him to be in their home. He was arrested on Jan. 16.
He begged me to bond him out and get him a real lawyer, not the public defender, and I refused. I still take his calls from the jail, but I haven’t been able to bring myself to visit him. I know its not him who is hopeless, it’s his addictions. I’m trying to work with his lawyer to get an 18 month rehab stint instead of jail. I almost wish he would go to prison, so he would stop hurting himself with drugs. I would rather visit a prison than a cemetary.
I don’t know what else to do I have a 16 month old daughter and her father is doing heroin and drinks he just turned 21 he says he doesn’t do drugs but he’s not him self and I can smell it plus his bro does it and the people he hangs with and he brings fake pee to his conceling meetings I dono what to do I’ve tried everything keeping him busy during the day and constently telling him I’m here for him trying to tell him he is worth more and has a beautiful baby girl that looks up to him soo much. Tried helping him get a job. Nothing works and I can’t stand to see him do this to himself he has so much mor potintial and I can’t even hardly eat nad my eyes are always watering up at work and I dono how to handel it I’m not 1 to cry
What do I do he says he wants help then I say so u are doing drugs and he says no I just want to get away so I don’t do anythhing…
@ Maryellen - Yes you are right to push for rehab over prison. I hope he is ready for that change if he gets the opportunity. Prayers for both of you…
@ Jessica - Sounds like he is not done using drugs yet. Just doesn’t sound like he is truly ready to stop and make a change. Push him to go to treatment and if he refuses then you might have to make a decision yourself. Do you want to live with someone who is not going to change? It might come down to that….good luck, hang in there….
I have a 29 year old son who is an alcohol and drug addict.I really don’t know what all he does.He has gotten in over his head . He has been to two rehabs.Always walks out after 7 to 10 days.I want to help him but just don’t know how? He also was diognoised with manic bioplor disorder when he was 19. That has been a battle in it’s self . He is slowly killing his self .Please help me help him !!!!!!!!I know he has to be the one to want it !We are trying to get him in to a rehab right now.But it is goverment funded and they do not have a bed open at this time .Hopeing you can help us .By Linda on 03-14-09
I am 5 weeks away from delivering my first child- a little girl. And my husband’s drug use has been getting worse. He is on probation and smokes pot as well as gets pills from a doctor (valium, xanax, oxycontin). I have gone back and forth trying to determine if I should call the doctor to tell him about his misuse of the drugs- I know he will just find another doctor. I do NOT want my baby to grow up in this situation and I am very close to walking away. Please help me!!!
My daughter is 19. She called me a few days ago and came clean about her drug and alcohol abuse. She is living about 30 miles from me with her boyfriend. Shes doing pill, morphine, heroine, alcohol, uppers, downers, pot, you name it. I convinced her to come to my house, go to AA meetings, get clean and get better. What I cant convince her of, is to never go back there. He is the one supplying her habit and makes it all accessible to her. If she goes back, she’ll really go back, to it all. I know that I can’t control her or make decisions for her but she is crying out for help to some degree but not completely. I confronted the boyfriend and his only response, was that he’s not the one that has the problem, so its not his problem to deal with and that she’s an adult and makes her own choices. Any advice?
My best friend of 26 years is an alcoholic. She was sober for 11 years, but then relapsed. I have felt guilty for a long time. I know it is not my fault, but I have a hard time with being around her when she is drinking. She is angry and mean. I have told her to not come around me, but it is difficult. I love her, but I want her sober. I have set boundaries, but they get crossed. I guess I have to be stronger. I know she wants to get help, but is scared..of losing family support. I am her support system right now. If I leave she has nothing. What do I do? Let her fall? She needs support, and refuses to go to AA, because of men bothering her as well as women. She is beautiful. I have no other choice but to love and support her. She and I are in this together. I will show her unconditional love with boundaries. Hope she gets sober
Christine, you must think of the baby first and what is the best thing for you and your baby. This situation is not good for either of you. As hard as it is it would be better to go to someone who can help you, a family member or friend. Hope all works out for you.
Hi all…My best friend has been using drugs and alcohol since he was 15 or 16. He’s 24 now and spent most of this time addicted to one substance or another. He drinks almost every night, even alone. I’ve always been worried about him, but never as much as right now. In the last 11 days, he did coke, ecstacy, percocet, adderol, more ecstacy, and then adderol two days in a row. That’s 7 out 11 days he got high, and every one of those nights he also gets drunk. I’m afraid he’s going to kill himself because the combinations of all these drugs are probably really dangerous. I know that if I tell him I don’t want to hang out when he’s high or drunk he’ll just hang out with his enabling friends instead. We are best friends but he consistently chooses alcohol and drugs over me. I know he feels guilty about his use because he admits it when he’s drunk, but he refuses to do anything about it. I don’t really know what to do other than tell his family, but I’m afraid that will just make him hide it better. When we first became friends I had no idea that he was doing drugs for about 6 months until he told me. What can I do?
@ Silvermoon - You can start by setting some limits and boundaries, if that is the route you want to go. If you refuse to be around him when he is drunk and high then this might have a subtle but lasting impact on him. It might create resentment in the short term but it might be what he really needs to hear. Just a thought…..
@ Mary - I agree with your thoughts and your advice to Christine….I think you know what you need to do in order to help your friend but it is hard to set the boundaries and stick to them. Good luck to you as well…..
I have been happily married to a great guy for 16 years when he is not drinking. when we met he was a heavy drinker and loved his wekends in the pub he is 9 yrs older than me and I thought he was the bees knees, now 16 years later and after running 2 pubs we are in a mess. his drinking is out of control, we have 3 wonderful children who are suffering now aswell and he just can’t see it “i’ll give up if thats what it takes” he said only yesterday and that was followed by a lg glass of white wine and 2 thirds of a bottle of tequila after we had gone out without him.
I thought he drank because he was depressed now i’m not so sure that he is depressed because he is drunk there are no meetings for al-anon till next week and I am so scared for us as a family. I am keeping a journal of his drinking so that if he is sober I may show it to him, but I think he loves the booze more than me.
First I want to thank you for caring for others and sharing your experience. I have a son who is 23 and has been through rehab but relapsed deeper than ever. He has now given up on life and tells me he doesn’t care about anything and just wants to die. He does not have a job and lives at home with his father and I. His father is a huge challenge to us all and makes life difficult which doesn’t help with an addict. My question to you is what do you do when the addict doesn’t care anymore and just wants to die? I don’t want to give up on my son and I am afraid he will kill himself. He is very angry and hates himself. I have encouraged him to attend meetings and counseling but he goes for a while and then quits. I am at a loss of how to help. He is currently taking suboxene which has helped some but still smokes pot and sometimes drinks. I pray for him always. I realize you don’t have all the answers but as a parent desparately holding on to hope for my son, I would like your insight.
I have a 20 year old daughter that has an addictive personality, weed, alcohol, ecstasy, ect.. She keeps her life on track for a little while, three to four weeks or months and then slowly starts hanging around with her low life friends and gets back into drugs for a bit, and then tell us she is sick of her life, changes, and then goes back and the cycle continues. She says it is hard to change, but she has a lot of support around her, has been to counselling for it, et cetera. I guess after reading all of these posts, it just makes me feel hopeless, that things will never change, this will be my life with her, et cetera. I have not been to a support meeting as everyone recommends, but I will try it. Just seems so hopeless if you have an addictive personality. So hard when it is your child and you can’t do anything to help. Any comments or suggestions would be appreciated. Guess I’m just depressed, because she has had another relapse and is hanging out with her lowlife friends.
My best friend of 20 years has a son (my nephew)who currently is a lying, stealing drug addict and is stealing from everyone including my daughter. Now now my friend is turning some of her anger out on my child because she spoke out against what he did and warns people about how he is. My friend has bailed him out of everything to keep someone from huring him, killing him or from hurting himself. She can’t get help from her husband because he was so mean to her son when he was growing up and is still mean to him. Everyone is so fed up with him but she can’t see that she is putting blame on other innocent people and my child is caught up in the middle. I try to tell my daughter to be patient that she is having a tough time and doesn’t know how to deal with it but my friend just lashes out about anyone that has a foul word for her son. Now our relationship is suffering. She couldn’t even tell my daughter happy birthday yesterday and That’s sad. I try to keep the peace because my daughter lives on her and her son’s property and can’t afford another place but it’s like you have to put up with the crap or leave! My daughter is such a good hearted and loving person who is very honest almost to a fault but she should never have to put up with that just because she feels she has no choice. I am at a point now where it is offending me for my child even though I have tried to support my friend through this tough time. Now she barely answers the phone when I call and last night her son went to jail and she hasn’t even called me. I’m hurting for my friend but mad at her for mistreating my daughter. I don’t know what to do but my daughter has done nothing wrong. It is her son. He has 2 children and won’t even help support them. She knows he does wrong but is quick to remind people that all them ‘other’ people have no room to talk. I know it’s a perfectly natural defense but she is so blinded by his lies that she doesn’t know what to believe so she picks what she things probably is and goes at that. I think she is enabling him but what else can a mother do to help keep her child from dying? I don’t want to hurt her but my patience is wearing thin. My daughter has decided she will move if she has to but will never speak to them again if they make her move because of his lies and issues. It’s sad and I am afraid it will be the end a very dear friend in my life.
I am ‘Anonymous Please’. Thank you Patrick for this site. I have been reading some of the articles and really am grateful there is someone on the other side with sound advice.
@ Kate - that is a distressing situation and it doesn’t sound like he is about to stop anytime soon. I would plan on getting involved with Al-Anon and see if they can give you more guidance.
@ Alana - Yes it is depressing and it might seem like there is no hope. But my family was in the same position you are and something finally clicked for me. No, there is not much you can do to help or get someone closer to surrender. But hang in there and get to a support meeting.
@ Glenda - hang in there Glenda, sometimes it takes time for people to work through the types of issues you are describing. Prayers for you and your nephew and get yourself to a supportive meeting if you can find one. Good luck to everyone out there…
this has helped me with my drama gcse as i am acting out a drug addict. thanks.
I hope I can be patient now that the worst (for me) has happened. They are making my daughter move. Did I mention she is a single parent with 3 small children? I am PO’d because of it but more than anything I am hurting for my child, my grandchildren and my friendship. Drugs are never a victimless crime and in this case my babies were caught in the cross-fire. She says she will leave her husband to take care of her son if she has to. Everything I hear now is through the grapevine because she won’t talk to me.
Her son needs more help than she can give but she still just can’t see it.
I know about what they typical advice is but she won’t bite. She is too consumed and overwhelmed by the thought of her son losing his life. I am and have been praying, crying and praying some more but right now just seems so hopeless for everyone around him and his drug addiction. I know God has it all worked out but it is just hard.
I also have to say I know what being an enabler is all about since I was married to a drug addict/alcoholic, etc. for almost 12 years. My friend also used to be married to a drug addict but I guess the rules change when it’s your child.
Patrick, what finally clicked for you? thanks for the support.
@ Glenda - Yes it is especially hard when it is kids you are trying to help that are struggling with addiction.
@ Alana - What finally clicked for me is a mystery…I’m not sure I can claim that it was my own doing. I think I was simply blessed with the decision to ask for help one day. Nothing I did in my life intentionally pushed me to this point. I became miserable enough to give sobriety a chance. Not very inspirational but that is how I came to be sober. We are motivated by pain, not by the promise of a new life. Think about that when dealing with others….do not deny an addict their pain. It is ultimately what will lead them to change.
Patrick, I think you give very good advice and I definitely will take it. Never really thought of it in terms that pain motivates somebody and not the promise of a new life. But that might work for my daughter because she hates to be uncomfortable and seems like I am always rescuing her. I will try to the tough love approach. I am getting better at detaching myself.
I have a husband who relapsed last year and has cycled in and out of crack use for the past year. Since he binges he will go for 2 to 3 months and not use and then disapear for 1 to 2 days and so will money. I have not handled it well and lost my temper yesterday now he is gone again. I am thankful to have found this site for information and will be going for the first time to a meeting myself.
I just read this article and it seems like this is just the guidance that i need. I am in love with an addict and thought that the problem was under control. Out of nowhere, the problem came back to life. It’s been a couple of weeks and I realized that I am so wrapped up in wanting him to get better that my own health is deteriorating. It pains me, but I see that detachment is the next thing that has to occur. I plan to get the book and learn how to love him and allow him to see that I am still here for him but I have boundaries and limits to what I can and will do for him due to his addiction.
Patrick, i just noticed your comment about “we are motivated by pain, not the promise of a new life.” I felt like things could not go wrong regarding his drug addiction because we had a life together that he had never had before. I felt that the love that he and I have with each other is genuine and therefore just what he needed to want to stay clean. unfortunately, I am reading this statement AFTER losing him to the drug life again and now have to find my way out of this emotional hole that I am in. He will sneak around the house and watch me and has even asked to speak to me one evening out in the yard. He told me how much he loves me and the thought of me moving on would kill him. This is not something that I am even considering right now but it shows me that somewhere in there, the man that I fell in love with still exists. I asked him about getting help and he is in full denial and I know that this will be a long battle. Information like this gives me hope that though he may be lost to the drugs, I don’t have to take all of my love from him…just the part that keeps him comfortable.
@ Natasha - It sounds like you have come to a new understanding with things and with your relationship with him. You can detach but still have hope, if that makes sense. Good luck to both of you…..
What really gets me about my daughter is she will always give me little glimpses that she is going to get a new life and friends, but sometimes I think she is just telling me what I want to hear, because her actions show different. It’s almost as she is lying to herself if that makes sense. So frustrating to me . She just gives me enough hope to keep being there for her….
@ Alana - Yes, addiction is lying to yourself. This is called denial. Anyone who is caught on the hamster wheel of addiction is in denial IF they know there is a solution. Some people genuinely do not know that recovery exists. Those who do must ignore the idea and continue to self destruct. Good luck to you and your daughter both….
all i can say is thank you so very much this imformation popped up right at the perfect moment…
I am finding it hard to detach. I find myself on the hamster wheel. My daughter’s drug addiction is affecting me more than it is her. The manipulation has just become a way of life for her, a learned habit apparently.
I have read many of the posts on here. They sound all to familiar, so I’m not going into all the explecit detail of the ordeal of my family. My brother just turned 50. He has been addicted since he was 13. After his fifth trip to prison, he managed to stay clean for about 9 years straight, but then relapsed about 5 years ago. He is in detox now where he managed to OD. I’m 56, Mom is 82, Dad is at rest. Mom and I have just about gone the limit. I have two questions.
1. Can you chain someone up in a cabin in the woods for their own good?
2. If answer to #1 is no, can you shoot them like you would a horse with a broken leg and just get it over?
wow, you must be fed up to say that. But I have had hopeless thoughts, too, but not quite like that.
my sister just told me about being sexually abused as a child she has been a alcoholic most her life and wants and needs help i do not know what to do to help her.her husband is in denial,she is very affraid he will not ever get it.and does not want to lose him what can i do to help her what are the first steps?
I would get her to a therapist so she can deal with her abuse issues and alcohol issues.
After reading some of the comments I am glad to see I am not alone. I was (am) married for 16 years. My husband deals with grave depression and now bipolar after a car accident 12 years ago. After not dealing and working through issues he has now turned to drugs prescription and illegal. It has destroyed our marriage and turning him into a person no one recognizes anymore. It is a very sad situation. I was his enabler and rescuer. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. He has not attempted to call me or our children in over several months. He has devastated the children. I am in counseling but it is so hard. Some days have gotten easier than others. Do you ever get over it?
My 16 year old son is doing xanax. In the past 3 mnths we have had him in the hospital twice. He takes 5, 10, 12 at a time, they are 2mg a each, this amounts to a huge dose. This past weekend he took a bunch on saturday and slept until monday night. It’s the third time in the last 3 months he has been incoherant. When he’s coming down he is full of rage, punching walls, breaking things, he had a fist fight with his dad this morning. He says he wants to drop out of school, says he doesn’t care about anything. I don’t know if I should sign him out of school- he needs my permission. This was his best school year up until he broke up with his girlfriend of 2 years in february, he almost made the honor roll. He has refused to go school the past 2 days and the 2 days before that wouldn’t have been able to function there so I called him in sick. I cannot make him go, he is bigger than me now. His dad doesn’t want him at his house anymore because he smashes everything when he’s there. I’m afraid to have him at our house when he is so angry. He does see a therapist, but it’s only been a couple of months of visits. The drugs seem to take away all his common sense for days at a time after he does them.
What do you do about a teenager like this? Do I sign him out of school? I can’t just not give him rides. I have to pick him up at his dad’s after school, it’s 7 miles away so I can take him home to feed him. He usually is with me during the weeknights and his dad on the weekends. We are determined not to give him anymore money.
It’s so hard because it’s like I have this giant toddler having a temper tantrum, except his words are more hurtful and his destruction more powerful.
I never thought I could feel this for another person, it’s like a piece of me is dying slowly. It’s amazing what I can give, and forgive my child for.
I’ll take any advise i can get, I just started looking for narc anon meetings near me.
I am afraid my 23 year old son will not live to see 24 if I don’t do something to make him see he is killing himself. He was in an serious accident, hospitalized for injuries and checked himself out because they would not give him any more pain medication because he was also self medicating. Now know one knows where his is, if he is okay or anything. He has numerous broken bones and is in or was in pain the last time I saw him. I tried the tough approach, stop giving him money, won’t let him live with me ect. I am just scared he is going to overdose and die… I am considering calling law enforcement and hopefully they can find him and arrest him for possession or something. I would rather he be locked up then dead. any suggestions.
I have been following this blog for several weeks now and share all of the pain and suffering of each and everyone on this blog. My son a heroin addict went to rehab and succeeded in his senior year in HS. He came out and went off to college and did well the first year but I could see this year he slowly started to fall. Now he is a full relapse and has lost friends, job and girlfriend and also gotten kicked out of his apartment by roommates because of his steeling and forging of checks. He insisted we visit him one day and we did and had what appeared to be a normal day yet his life is so abnormal. My wife and I have agreed that the only way to help is not to do anything for him. He seems to be in denial although he continues to tell us he is going to get help. I am amazed he has not been arrested, although he could be in jail today. He either lost or sold his phone yet he claims it is with a friend. The only contact with him is if he calls us or emails. He is bright, humorous when he wants to be and can a delight to be with. We feel so desperate and I continue to go to Nar-anon and believe me, Patrick is correct, people need to get themselves to a meeting because they do help you focus and cope. We have spent so much of our funds on rehab and school that we are frightened for our own financial survival. What we have left we need to keep for us or the day that maybe our son turns things around and if at that point we trust ( which is hard to visualize) we can then try and help. Does anyone out there have advice on getting help for someone that is basically homeless? Every day the guilt is in the pit of my stomach and I think about taking him back but I can’t live with someone I do not trust. I often hear that when people are ready they will go to rehab but how do they pay if they are living on the street? he is pretty damn close to hitting rock bottom…. But who can help if we can’t afford to. Any advise from Patrick or anyone else would be appreciated.
Ps – get to a meeting.
Hi Patrick. My brother is addicted to pain killers. The situation is pretty bad. My parents and I have tried to take him to the doctor (blackmail him into goin etc etc) but basically nothing has worked. I am all for the detachment you talk about but what if, we detach and one day he is gone - dead perhaps? Please help?
I’m and living with my boyfriend,with whom I have been with for two years.He is a an addict.His drugs of choice are Cocaine,Heroin,and Crack.I’ve read your article and I feel so confused and lost!
He is the most amazing man that I have ever been with,however,when he gets high he is a COMPLETEY different person.Many people have given up on him and for what I’ve seen in the past before we were even friends and before we were even a couple is that the more people gave up on him the worse his addiction got.How do I detach myself without being like everyone else in his life.His addiction went from everyday to once or twice every four to six months.Everyone is our lives keep telling me that I have saved his life,but who is saving mine?
When he loves me,he loves me with his whole heart but when he gets in his moods and I know his addiction is calling him he treats me the complete opposite.He blames me for holding him back without actually saying it.
Please Help Me!!!!
im 14 and my mom is an alcholic. whens she drinks she is violent. she scares me. My step-dad and i want to get her help but we dont know where to start. i would really appreciate it if you emailed me with just a little bit of advice because we dont know what to do!!!!!!!!!!!!
It is always comforting to know that a person who loves an addict is not alone.
God has put a wonderful, talented, and bright man in my life. He will turn 30 in a couple weeks. He has lost everything because of his addiction. Six years ago he was starring in movies, he had made it in the film business. After 9/11 he fell into drugs. He lost everything. Burnt many bridges. And probably will never be able to do what he loves again.
His addiction is complex. He has no money anymore, so roams the streets day and night asking anyone he runs into for weed–or possible ANYTHING else they may have. He will consume anything that will alter his state of mind at all times of day. He steals and is aggressive to me and the few people in his life that love him. His family has disowned him. He also struggles with bipolar disorder and lives in a constant state of psychosis. The times that he has been medicated he has abused his prescriptions. Everyday is a fight, and I only live minute to minute, praying that he lives through the day. He will prostitute himself for weed or anything else. He is a bisexual man that struggles with his sexual identity and his lost career. Some days he sits at my house, manic, googling himself. Everyday I talk to him about his addiction and pray. He is willing to go to church, willing to go to meetings, but he just performs a character and I don’t feel like he means anything he says.
he was sober for two years recently. This is a relapse and it is real bad. He was recently taken to jail for domestic violence charges.
There is always guilt. He makes me feel guilty for everything. But everyday I live for those ten minutes that he is balanced. I try and communicate with him that there is something to live for, because he thinks he has already lived and experienced everything he can. There are these moments in the day that the real sober person comes out. He knows that he has to change…but again, its “on his own terms”. I’m praying that God forcefully intervenes. He is so manic that his opinion on addiction changes so frequently. Just getting through the day is so difficult. He can’t sit still, he paints his shoes, floors, crazy manic behavior. He doesn’t want to fill out paper work for welfare so that he can have medical.
Its so frustrating. He lies, he steals, he is unpredictable. But I can’t stop loving and having hope for him to get better. Sometimes I feel like he is only taking advantage of me. He would be homeless if it wasn’t for me and another individual that is at an end with it all as well. Sometimes I think he wants to be homeless, that he wouldn’t care. He has been kicked out of every bar in walking distance to where he stays. He has to be watched 24 hours a day because he is so destructive and careless.
Sometimes I think him being on the street would be the best thing for him. He doesn’t care what I do for him.
Praying for you all.
my boyfriend uses coke, weed and ketamine. on nights out he sometimes takes ecstacy. his main drug of choice is ketamine which he has been known to use daily. that is when it became a problem for us. before we got together we had been friends for many months, i knew he occasionally took drugs but its not until more recently that it seems to have become more and more frequent. he knew it was causing a strain on our relationship a few months ago and said he was going to cut down. a week later he had been on ket every night and other drugs (didnt say which) and had acid which made him very scared and he called me over to sit with him while he slept as he was afraid he was going to die. after this day he said he was going to stop drugs altogether. this promise lasted only a few days before he was back on the ketamine.
i worry about him constantly and feel his drug use is a betrayal when he knows how much it upsets me. he claims he is not addicted and doesnt feel he needs the drugs. all his friends take the drugs too so where ever he goes the drugs are there as a temptation. he has tried and failed many times to give up the drugs on his own but every time he has lied to me to get his way to the drugs (saying he is working late, saying he’s popping to see a friend) it seems that every time i dont see him he always takes something.
i’m finding it very difficult as i’m trying to recover from cancer but all my energy is used up feeling stressed, anxious and depressed about him.
he has started going to a drugs clinic which will support him and help him get clean but i don’t know if he is doing that just to keep our relationship together or if he actually means it and wants to change.
he is a dj and every month he plays at a club and the drugs are just there in front of him and he doesnt refuse them. this is a constant anxiety to me because i go to the night out with my friends and he denies using the drugs despite me seeing the tell tale signs of white round his nose, funny eyes etc and it just takes us back to square one constantly.
i dont want to try to change him or tell him not to see people or to stop djing (which he loves!)
he is a wonderful person, i love him so much and he makes me so happy and has been a great support to me when i’ve been very poorly when he hasnt been on something but when he is on something he becomes very selfish, ignores me, snaps at me, treats me differently to how he normally would. also his face changes, his eyes go lazy and crossed and his cheek bones stick out and it ages him by 10 years. i am in love with the clean version of him but the drug side of him hurts me a lot.
i want to believe that he can change but i’m not sure he can without a dramtic life change. i’m 22 and after battling cancer for a year of my life i want to feel care free and happy but the drugs bring me down so much. i just don’t know what to do :( if someone could give me some advice i would be so grateful. i don’t want to end this relationship because the good days are so good, it’s better than any relationship i’ve had before but should i listen to the anxiety that is eating away at me and making me sick and depressed and probably slowing down my own recovery?
It’s been a while since I last wrote. My friend has lost a lot, and almost lost his job. He’s had good days/a good week here and there, but he’s still drinking and is depressed. He goes to counseling once in a while, but it’s not enough, and he’s not “ready” to go to AA or get other help. I’ve tried to help in many ways, tough love and embracing support, but nothing helps and it depresses me to feel so helpless. It’s really affecting me and I know some people say I need to walk away, to save my sanity, but how can I when I’m one of the only people he trusts and opens up to? I’m really struggling. I so desperately want him to get help. I see such good in him! I know there’s nothing more I can do, so what do I do now? Do I continue listening to him when he’s sad and try to guide him in the right direction (and feel sad inside when he makes the wrong choices) or do I get “tough” with him and tell him only to talk to me when he’s really ready to get help? What else can I possibly say to him to let him know how deeply I care and want him to be the person I know he is capable of, if not for drinking? He can’t afford to lose any more in his life, and I worry about him daily. The “drama” of it all is getting to me, but I cannot, cannot, cannot just walk away! What should I do? He’s worth fighting for - he’s such a good person and can contribute so much - so I continue. Any advice??
That last post was from me, “His Friend” but I messed up putting my name in, sorry. I would appreciate any advice on how to stay sane and supportive at the same time. Thanks!
Lots of stories on here….almost everyone seems to be in a relationship with someone who is slowly self destructing due to drug or alcohol use. So here is another take on things for those who have commented recently:
A lot of times we enable others indirectly without realizing it. For example, “his friend” talked about how the alcoholic in their life tends to pour out their heart and soul when they are sad and depressed, and so we feel like we cannot turn our back on them because we are their only friend/support system. This is the type of thinking that perpetuates the disease and enables people. Yes, it is horrible to think of leaving someone alone when they are depressed and need our help the most. BUT…consider the fact that if you are always there for them to cry on your shoulder then you open the door up for them to continue their drug or alcohol use.
WHAT IF you were not there for them to cry on? You are probably telling yourself that they would die of depression or kill themselves, etc. This is the thinking that keeps both of you trapped. Let them reap what they sow for once let them endure the misery that they have created.
How else do you think they will ever be motivated to change? It is only through experiencing enough pain that the addict or alcoholic will decide to do something different.
Thanks to everyone for their comments and please think these ideas over a bit. Sometimes we need to step away long enough for a person to really see how much pain they are living in.
I, like a lot of people posting on here am very greatful to have found this site. I am 53 yrs old and have 2 daughters that are drug abusers/addicts and an alcoholic husbands. If that is not a bee’s nest, don’t know what is. My oldest daughter is abusing saboxone, I suspect. Her BF of three years is on it for a history of opiate addiction as a teenager. He has been on it for 6 years. I know, way too long. I think my daughter hooked up with him because he had a constant supply of it. She has had a history of drugs and alcohol abuse. 2 dwi’s in one weekend, leaving the scene of an accident. Possesion of a narcotic. She was involved in a domestic dispute 6 yrs ago and called the police and they found cocaine powder on a mirror in her room. She has lost her liscience to drive for 4 years. She will be able to drive in one year. That is some history on her.
I married my husband 9 years ago 11 months after the death of his first wife from cancer. When I married him, I had no idea he had such a problem with alcohol. I know marrying him just 11 month…Probably say a lot about where my head is at. WE separated for a year about 3 years ago and he finally got arrested for dwi. His blood alcohol was .27. He subsquently stopped drinking for 1 year. I moved back into the house and we started over. He started drinking moderately after about 6 months. He does not believe in AA and I am not sure I believe in the philosphy either. His battle with alcohol is his own and I can not change him. My leaving him made him realize that what I will not tolerate, so he is in constant battle, but again it is what he choses. I suspect we will not grow old together so I try and appreciate every good day.
Now, my youngest daughter,23,has never had and issue with drugs or alcohol that I am aware of until lately. She was, however, hopitalized 4 times in her teens for self injury, cutting. She bears the scars but does not do this any more. She allowed, just before christmas that she was addicted to herion and she needed help. She arranged for an admission into a detox center and I took her there where she stayed for 5 days. She was put on a waiting list for a state funded rehab but the waiting list was around 3 months and she seemed to be struggling. I paid for a six week rehab and she very willingly went. She was asked to leave because she was caught shoplifting in the wal mart. She returned to the rehab after being back in her apt and being clean, I think, for 6 weeks. She finised the program and was beautiful and healthy when she got out. I drove to pick her up 4 states away and she drove us home. It’s been one week and a half and I am seeing some behaviors that I was seeing before she got clean. She swears she is not using and does not even drink anything. I am trying to trust and I don’t know what else I can do for her if she is using unles she admits it. I am triing hard to “detatch” and let her live her own life, but I am having a very hard time. I just broke down on the phone with her a few minutes ago. I know I should get to an al-anon meeting. I guess with my story, if anyone needs it I do. I guess I am afraid I will lose everyone that I love.
Thanks Patrick. I needed to hear that. I’ll step back and pray.
Wow Paula, that is quite a story there. I sense that you are most worried about your youngest daughter this is displaying strange behaviors and you’re not sure if she is clean or not.
That is a tough situation and also a tough relationship….I am sure your daughter loves you and does not want to hurt you IF she happens to be using. I know that because I have been in that situation with my family….out there abusing drugs, but lying about it all the time because I did not want to hurt them.
Not a good situation either way. And, maybe she is clean. Who is to say? You are right in that you should seek help for yourself. Be supportive and tell your daughter that she can come to you with anything, even if she relapsed, and you will not freak out. Try to offer true, pure support in this sense. It is all you can do to try and gain her trust. Good luck to you and your family…..
Thank you so much for you comment. I did have a good conversation with my daughter tonite and apologized for being so emotional but reinforced my concern and told her that I was going to “back off a bit” (I checked my phone and I called her 11 times yesterday). I also told her that I would always be there for her if she needs me. She knows that and I guess I am comforted by this. She did come to me before. It’s just really hard. I never know what the right thing to do is. I think tuning into this site will be a good thing. Thanks again.. Paula Q.
Hi Patrick,
I am hoping to find some guidance as to where to start!!?? I am trying to help my family who is right across the world (in asia) from me.
My brother is a drug addict and hs come to the point of being very open and blatant about it. Me and my younger sis has reasons now to believe he’s been an addict for the past 4 - 5 yrs or so. My mum is very nonchalant about it, making excuses for him by stating that he is only smoking grass. Last week, my sis forced my mum to approach him in his room one night, and when she did, my brother just claimed that he is only relaxing, by sniffing ketanin (i think tht’s what he calls it). My mum is in denial, rushed back into her room, stating that if he doesn’t love himself, what can she do?
What you wrote above about “Assess a Person’s Addiction in Order to Determine the Correct Approach”, how do I know which is him?
Me and my sis is aware that my brother’s addiction has alot to do with his faulty relationship with our mum. Our dad passed away when we’re young and my brother was affectd by the fact that my mum had to work and not able to spend time with him (he was our mummy’s favourite and still is now, coz she indulges him so much). We can see the drug problem is derived from teh detriotion of thier relatioship over teh years of work(brother works for mum’s business) and my mum’s life partner (brother jealous of this guy).
I am so lost and clueless as to how to convince the both of them that they do have a problem, that can be resolve?
How do I even wake them up to smell the coffee, as my mum is obviously constantly sweeping everything under the carpet, adn my brother denies his drug usage is a problem.
My sis still stays with them, but as for me, being so far away, I calls them quite often to stay in touch. But I since have stopped calling my brother bcoz I just cannot understand why he thinks that I will condoned his bad anger and irrational behaviour, tho he denys using drugs when I asked him. And my voice seems to reminds him even more of his anger towards my mum, so during our calls, he alwasy talks about killing her, which upsets me tremendously. I do suspect if i represents any aspect of a mother bcoz i am 9 yrs older than him, and had to babysit him when mum had to work.
Thelast I spoke to him was, i told him i disagree with what he is saying and doing. that i thinks that he is talking utter rubbish. That he is selfish and is hurting all of us by what he is doing. When he is ready for me to help him, if he needs it, he know where to call me.
Now my sis tells me, he thinks that he can come and visit me in UK, with objective of getting some money off me.
My offer to everyone back home was, don’t bother coming unless you are ready to go into theraphy. Now after reading what you’ve writtne, I’m not too sure if I’ve done right, or made matters worse. Pls help.
Hi Patrick,
Thank you for these words
“We are motivated by pain, not by the promise of a new life. Think about that when dealing with others….do not deny an addict their pain. It is ultimately what will lead them to change.”
I think I have found my first step towards a direction. I apologies for not scrolling thru this very long list of messgaes. I guessed i ws too anxious to find a solution when i stumble upon this blog.
I shall be sharing this site with my sis, hopefully it’ll give her some comfort knowing we’re not alone.
Well bless you Sharon, and I’m so glad you found some help on this page! There really is quite a bit here if you dig through it all, but feel free to ask any questions in the comments as well….
I don’t know where to start. I am scared. My friend is a user of…well just about everything. in his line of work, everything is readily available. Most of the time, people just give it to him so they can be in his company. His co-workers if you’d like to call them that, use as well. When he is at home, his friends use. I have known him for 9 years. We were in a serious relationship for 2 of those years. When we first met, he only smoke marajuana and occasionally used coke. He was such a joy to be with. He was an incredibly talented, loving, kind man. As time went on, I noticed an incline of the coccaine use. After about a year and a half I realized that he was snorting heroin. I only realized this after seeing with my own eyes his using one night. And the effects that it had on him made me realize that he’d used before, and had lied to me as to why he was acting funny. He’d be ironing his clothes and look like he was going to fall asleep mid press. He’d tell me he was just really tired. He’d been on the road for months and the stress and lack of sleep was catching up with him. He’d even had an incident months back where he was hospitalized because of a fall. The injuried could’ve ruined his career. I spent weeks with him taking care of him and nursing him back to health. Now I knew why he’d fallen. At this point I was devastated. He’d lied to me and he now using heroin. Our relationship ended months after that because of the strain of the drug use and of course the miles that seperated us in our long distance relationship. We still kept in touch and still cared for one another. I would see him when he was in town and hear about the escapades. He would be sober just long enough for me to see the man I’d fallen in love with and all those emotions would come flooding back. Years have past and we’ve talked on the phone a few times. Recently I visited him in his home town. Upon ariving, he was in great spirits. We enjoyed each others company for one night and then everything went downhill. He wouldn’t answer my calls, he avoided me in public. He looked like he’d fall on his face at any moment. He wouldn’t make eye contact with anyone. He would just dissapear and re appear in another state of delerium. His friend told me how excited he was that I was in town. But then hours later, they’d take him home and tell me he was in no state to see me. They told me he was embaressed. He didn’t want me to see him like that. As the days past, this behavior continued and I became acutely aware that it’s gotten to the point of severe addiction. And as I think to myself, THERE IS NO ONE THAT SEEMS TO WANT TO HELP HIM!!!! Everyone around him is feeding his addiction. Weither it’s driving him to get it, taking him home and making sure he’s safe, or doing it with him, they are contributing to this. His co-workers are fed up with his level of dependancy, but have they tried to help? I am so terrified that one day, I am going to open the paper and read about his death. Or that his co-workers will call me with the news. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to help. I feel useless. I am hundreds of miles away worried that the only man I have ever really loved is going to use his way to the grave. How can I help him? Is there anything I can do? Or say?
My boyfriend took off on me last night while I was sleeping,when I called his phone he didn’t pick up.However,he did call me back and told me he was taking a walk….I knew he was lying….
I drove down to where I know he gets his Cocaine from I finallyn find him and he explains to be that he was THINKING about getting high.I was furious,but should I have been?He didn’t use.This is a man who would use almost everyday and now gets high once every 4-5 months,it’s still doesn’t make it right but I feel like this time I got mad for something that he didn’t do,but was however thinking about it and pulled himself back from it.
Please Help!
@ Betty - Yes I can relate, I was a super nice addict too, so I had lots of enablers around me. You are right to be worried. My only real advice is to encourage treatment for him, let him know that help is available…try to get him to a treatment center. You could also tell him you are going to put some serious distance in the relationship until he makes a decision to stop. But that might not be an option for you, I don’t know. Good luck.
@ A Broken Heart - Eventually you might have to make a decision: do you want to live in insanity or do you walk away from the relationship? You might also just consider the walking away part, and then see if things change with him in your absence. Sometimes that is just the jolt that someone needs to wake up and make a change in their life.
Aside from leaving him, there is nothing you can do or say that will convince him to stop using. So you have to decide: are you willing to continue living like this?
Good luck to you too, I know it is not fair. Addiction sucks, it is never fair to the loved ones…..
My mothers day began when my 29 year old som woke me up by putting his wet tennis shoes in the clothes dryer. He had been out all night drinking at a friends house. He found $10 in his pocket so he walked up to the gas station to buy a 12 pack which he drank beginning at 8:30 this morning. I finally had to call the police for help a little while ago when he got upset and was getting in my face and yelling at me. This is the 4th or 5th time I have had to call the police for help and they always tell me the same thing-put him out. I have tried to do that but he only calls his 77 year old grandmother who picks him up and keeps him for a few days before bringing him back. I have tried to put him out but he won’t go. He does not take any of this seriously. The police just talk to him and tell me to put him out or that I should move out. I cannot afford to do that. Does anyone have any suggestions on kicking this child out so that I can have some peace. I cannot take it much longer.
Hi,Hopefully you can help me because I am stuck!
My mother is a drug addict! She has been a recovering alcoholic for 14 years and has taken 222’s for as long as I can remember! She will take any kind of pill perks, uppers, downers and now she has become addicted to crack as it has become a huge hit back home! My father who does none of these things and just loves her more than anything is turning his head as my mother has threatened to leave him if he brings it up and he can stand the thought of losing her so, he has been pretending that everything is okay but, clearly it is not! My mom thinks no one knows and is in HUGE denial about it! We need to get my dad on board to help her and be open about it but, he won’t! I don’t know how to start here I am stuck in between a rock and a hard place as my little sister is calling me 24/7 asking me to help them because she can’t take pretending that its no happening anymore! My mother has started doing it at work now and is not healthy in the first place. She is going to kill herself if we don’t help her and I can’t stop feeling like I can do something about it even though I know I have to put myself first. We have went through this process before when she got help for drinking I don’t know if my dad can do it again how and where do I start to get her help? Any advice at all would help! Thanks
Hi Patrick, I am so thankful for finding this site, this is the only one I have found that accually gives true to life information. My boyfriend is an alocholic, we have only been together about 4 months, and I have just in the last month or so realized how serious his addiction is, although his family tried to tell me, he was telling me something else and thought he could just slow down. I unfortantely had to find out the hard way that is not possible. His family has tried to help him his whole life, he has been to rehab a few times, suppost to be going to AA meetings and take his meds he has to help with withdrawels and depression. I did have to give the unltimatum a few weeks ago me or your drinking, I have two kids at home still and I am not going to put them or myself through that. My older son who is 16 has found him passed out numerous times, but the bottom for me was when my son found him passed out in his truck in the driveway. He has been staying with me for last couple months, I was thinking that if he was away from his family a little bit would help, they fight alot and drive him crazy, so drinks more. Well, he says he is going to stop, and he does try and does ok for a week or so, although I know he is still drinking some, wasn’t getting passed out drunk so didn’t say anything to him. I know this doesn’t happen over night, I know he will fall sometimes, it is just so hard to find the fine line where you are understanding and supportive while staying firm and standing up to the bounderies I have set. I have told him I don’t want him around my kids drunk anymore, and he hasn’t since the incident with the truck. I have told him over and over how much I love him and will do whatever it takes to help him get through this, but I can’t do it for him, he has to be the one to do the hard work. As I was reading the different stages, it was him to a tee. He admits he is an alcoholic, and says wants help but his actions show otherwise. I know how hard it must be, I have not ever had to deal with an alcoholic so I am very lost on what to do. He also is having depression problems too though, which scares me, he says that he feels something is missing, like there is a hole inside, he doesn’t know how to explain it and doesn’t know what to do about it, how to fix it or change it. I did ask him if he is willing to get outside help and he says yes. Of course he is hiding his drinking from me now, and that scares me, I don’t want him to push away from he cause I won’t let him drink here. But I have to do what I have to do, my kids are number one and if it means I get my heart broke to protect them then so be it. He tells me how much he loves me and doesn’t want to lose me, I have been clinging to the hope that, that will be enough incentive for him to do this. I am also afraid though that if our relationship doesn’t work out it will send him over the edge, he is so close right now to the egde it scares me. He has been so much more distant and quiet last few weeks. And he won’t open up, he has a wall up that goes on forever. I have been trying very hard to knock it down some, and he has opened up a little bit to me, but last few days he seems to run and open up to other people than me, and that really hurts. If he can’t trust me and be open and honest with me how is this relationship going to work? I am trying to get him to go to his AA meetings at least for now, he lied to me last week, was suppost to go to his meeting and found out today that he never went. If he isn’t willing to take the steps to work on this then there is nothing I can do. I just don’t know how much I can take, I told him I wasn’t giving up on him, and I want so badly for this to work out, he is such an awesome person. He just has to stop the drinking, and he isn’t even mean or anything when he is drunk, he is still the same sweet laid back easy going guy he is when he is sober, I guess if he turned into an asshole it would be alot easier for me to say get out or something. I don’t know, I an so frustrated right now and feel so helpless I don’t know what to do or say, or where to turn to get him more help, if he is true to his word and will get professional help again that may work, but he is going to need counseling too, for his depression and hopefully find the root for his pain, he is in so much pain, it breaks my heart. But I am going to print all of your info out and all the comments so I can read them all. I wonder if I show him your article if that would click anything. Thank you for the info and help, I feel like I am losing my mind, no sleep last night and been crying since last night, I’m losing it …. but I don’t want to give up on him, I want him to get through this….
Oh yeah I forgot to mention also that he doesn’t have a job right now either, justt been a few odd jobs, which I guess is giving him enough money to support his alcohol he is hiding, and he is soooo stressed out because he can’t find a job around here, talking about moving. So I don’t know where that is going to lead, I guess if he moves that will make the choice for me as far as staying together, cause I can’t move right now. anyway, any help would be appreciated, I am so lost right now ….
Tiffany, I think that I understand what you are going through. I finally called a help-line and found an al-anon meeting for tomorrow night. I am planning to go and get some answers. I do know that I cannot change my sons behavior-only my own. I just need to learn what I can do and what I should stop doing to enable him. I would suggest that you call AA and ask them to refer you to a support group for people with similar problems like your mothers. Good luck to both of us!
hello I am a ex addict to heroin well i say ex i have only been heroin free for 11 weeks My life as a heroin addict is hard my son is 11 and yes he lives with me me and my husband have been heroin addicts for 9 years i have been in treatment but they would give us meth then that would be it no follow on no nothing my partner held a very good job while i went to collage but the system made it so hard by making us attend every day what do you tell work it also meant he had to tell the doctor then they inform DVLA so in order to come clean you are not aloud a job car or family because they also believe you should not have a child. I have become clean though a good friends support and help remember all the places out they only hold your hand i believe with family and friends you can do it my family are in my life but they dont help us at all since we have been out of work we have no money but people thing now ther are no drugs we should have money but that is not true i would just love now to get out there and get work again what i find hard to understand is that in order to get help you must tell the truth but as soon as you do that you will lose your child even no people find it hard to understand how i still have my child and my answer to that is we are good parents yes we could do better but that is only thought the lack of money my parnter is very skilled so he will be back in work soon but me i want to help addicts or ex addicts to help and support them even friends and family if you have any advice for me how i can help people how and what i can do to educate people this is a love in my heart to help people like me i just lost my uncle on the 11th of may due to a drug over dose 56 and last year my freind only 23 it happens to all ages
hi, my friend nick is only 16 and is in serious trouble in addiction . he does admit that he is an addict but is not willing to get any help! do you have any tips on what to do…… thanks
Hello Patrick and everyone else who shares my plight!
I’ve ust helped him again, took him in and saved him from being homeless. He is 30 and has 3 children from 3 women - lost his menial job, has no real marketable skills, now lost his driver’s license because child support office likes to think they are helping when they suspend driver’s licenses of Dads who can’t make payment regardless of reasons. Now he can’t find a job because most jobs he’d qualify for require driver’s license. The heart of the story is, I would like to believe that I got him to realize that the use of Marijuana has rendered his life unmanageable and that the collateral damage is too great. He agreed to attend NA meetings in town. I give him a ride to those meetings. I have realized that he does not want me to drop him off at the locations. He asks me to stop about a block or so and he gets off my car. The meetings are open to the public but he does not want me to attend. I want to know why he would do that? Also, he has money, and when I questioned him where he got it from, he won’t tell me. He insists on keeping secrets and not being open and forthright. What does this mean? He is currently staying with me but I refuse to give him a key or closet space. He lives out of his boxes because I told him that he was not moving in - this is a short term transitional assistance for him to get his affairs in order. He still yells at me if he does not like what he hears in reference to his messed up life. I am not convinced that he accepts that he has a problem (completely and freely). I also know in order to remedy a problem, one must admit that here is a problem. I think he is attending NA meetings just as a cloak of deception so that he can manipulate me. Am I being too harsh or paranoid? (This boy has robbed me of my life since he turned 12, he put me through hell and continues to do so by emotionally blackmailing me with his children. This is my last attempt to help him without taking him in completely this time. It is clear to him he needs to find a job quickly and move out and I make it a point to remind him everyday.)
Any suggestions or ideas? Thank you!
I am 31 year sri lankan man and my closest friend aged 37 married with two sons professionally a passenger bus driver drinks considerably.
He drinks for about 20 years and few months ago doctor has told him suspected to have parkinson’s disease and had ayurvedic treatment. But according to my friend he has not recovered totally. Still the symptoms can be seen. But even before that, he drank regularly.
He is not good with his mother and one and only sister and he told me that he has given up them because they were trying to change him. He even told me that “do not try to change me or my behaviour” He has told that to his wife also. I tried several times to explain the criticalness of drinking. But he does not listen to me.
When he is drunken he scolds us with bad words. Actually speaking he does not like to hear the words “Do not drink”.
But how can I tolerate this? I know the consequences of drinking. How can I look him going to hell day by day? I am so desperate. Sometimes I cry secretly. Sometimes I feel I am going to hell.
I feel that my friend is hopeless because of his financial problems and health condition. Sometimes he tells me “get away from me and have a good life” But how can I do that? I love him so much more than I do to my own brothers. I treat him like my own brother more than a friend.
Please help me. I do not have anyone to tell this. I am so desperate…. I feel.
How can I help him to stop drinking? I wanna help him to give a good life. I wanna see his beautiful life.
Please help me to rescue him from, danger…..
Expect your kind reply very soon….
Patrick & others - I’m in a hopeful state and wanted to share. Long story short, my friend had a truly awful weekend two weekends ago and really started hitting the bottom again. I convinced him to call his sponsor (from his first attempt at sobriety) and he did. The next day, we had to take him to the hospital, and the next day, we were able to get him into a rehab center for 28 days. He finally admitted he wasn’t thinking clearly, that he needed and wanted help. It’s day 6 and he’s doing ok. He has such a long road ahead of him, but for today, he’s in a safe place with people who can help him. For that I am grateful. I started reading the Alanon book each day to help me and I feel stronger too. Stepping back a while and praying really helped, as painful as it was (I did not talk with him during his 3 day binge, as hard as that was, and only talked to him toward the end when he said he realized he needed help). Thank you Patrick for that advice - step back, pray, and let him feel his own pain. So for today, I pray, for my friend and for all of you struggling with these issues. We must hang onto hope and faith and pray for the best. I know it’s certainly just the beginning for my friend, but for today, I’ll take it as a good start!
I need to hear viewpoints/responses to a very important question. I know my son has relapsed with his drinking. His ex-wife would limit visitation with his 2 children, age 10 & 8, if she knew. He is mean and angry with everyone, including them, when he is drinking. He is verbally abusive to his current wife and almost to that level with his oldest child (a girl) when he is drinking. My question: Do I inform the kid’s mother of his relapse? Or hope she finds out soon so the fear and tension will be put to a minimum? I try to “Let Go & Let God” but when it comes to decisions like this with the children, I need to know what is the right thing to do.
I have a sister that I live with that is an alcoholic. I don’t know what to do or say that can help her. I have talked to my parents, who have tried talking and reasoning with her, but she won’t listen, and becomes mean when it is brought up. My parents believe that me talking to her can help her realize her problem. You mention that a simple phone call from a family member changed your life. What did this family member say to you, that helped you realized you need to change? I just want to make sure I say the right thing, and put an impact on her changing.
@ anonymous - my mother had called me and got upset and basically said “when are you gonna stop doing this to yourself?” It was a rhetorical question at best and I had already been putting my parents through the ringer for years with my addiction.
For some reason, though, something flipped in my brain at that moment. It was true surrender….and I knew, for certain, that I was going to take a real shot at recovery. I wanted to somehow explain this to her, but I knew that anything I said would be taken as another empty promise. So, I just surrendered, and agreed to seek help. And I am still sober over 8.5 years later….. That was just my moment of truth. It had nothing to do with the conversation at hand….more like a divine blessing if you ask me…
For those of you enabling an addict remember this: The longer an addict stays in their addiction the harder it is to get out. My in-laws coddled their son into his fifties! He started using as a teen. They did not allow him to fall and invest in his own recovery. They sheltered him, gave him money, allowed him to steal from them, cleaned up after him, covered for him when he beat them, took him in when he walked out of drug treatment because it was too hard, etc. They have both passed away in the past year and now he is facing a life on the streets. Every family and friend has been burned. My in-laws lost so many friends because of this. He’s met new people to help him and within a few weeks he’s out on the street because he EXPECTS them to care for him (do laundry, cook, etc.). With his parents he had a maid (they had money). He has no idea how to care for himself. At this point the only ‘viable’ options HE sees is suicide or jail. Sad. I’m hoping that his parents are seeing what they created by enabling him.
i have just been through hell the last 2 years,i live with an addict and have just read your notes about detachment and it is the same as i have just worked out for my self, great site for those trying to help addicts thnaks james
I have been dealing with a family member whos fighting addiction for two years. He has abandonment issues which in return feels abandoned when my family and i try to detach ourselves emotionally. He says when we turn our back on him it makes him feel alone and relapses. What do i do?
umm hello i have been with an oc addict for going on two and a half years. i love him very much but it gets difficult. he has been an addict for about a year. i try to understand what he is going through but i have never been addicted or tired the stuff. when i ask he just says that there is no way i could understand because i have never been there. his habit used to be really bad but now it varies. he will be clean for a few days then he “treats himself and does the oc or some other pill. i feel guilty because i have unknowingly become his enabler. i have held a good job for the last 2 years that has paid the bills while he gets and loses jobs. i really do love him but it is getting hard. i miss the man i fell in love with and i want him back.
im addicted to crack i need help
My daughter-in-law is addicted on pain meds, meth and other nerve pills..she is trying cold turkey I am helping her with her detox - I need help to know what to do best
I have a 34 year old son who has a 3 month old child with a young woman he lives with. She is not the love of his life but decided he would be a father to his child. He holds down a job and struggling with finances and now he is back on the drugs. I am not sure what he is on but I think it is pot and cocaine, plus alcohol. I He has always stated he is in control of it but I see the angry side effect the drugs have. I am very concerned about the child. He adores the child but I am worried as the mother isn’t very knowledgable about babies.
We have talked about reabilitaion years ago, but found we could not afford it. Is there any help out there for people who don’t have much money? I think he would try for his child’s sake, but won’t be able to afford it.
Any advice would be appreciated as I have finally reached a time in my life where I am happy but this problem upsets me terribly. I mind the baby a lot and getting very attached. I have other grandchildren and love looking out for them. Please can you help??
Wow I really needed to find this website. My 22 year old daughter was arrested on Thursday for possession. She has battled her addiction since her mid teens. She came home for help last summer but we soon figured out she was only using us for a place to stay. she was not serious about recovery and would “fall off the wagon” every time she had a car and money. Her father and I tried everything. She is job less and has no insurance. She wasn’t really interested in AA NA or any recovery program she did they for a while because she thought that she would get her car back (we cosigned and since we are paying the payments we took the car). She decided to return to her addict boyfriend and they are now playing the “help us” with recovery cards on his family in Louisiana. Last Thursday they came back to our area for a doctors appt (his workers comp claim) and some how ended up broken down …long story short when my husband was called they needed car help when he got there the police had been called and she was under arrest. We had told her that we would not bail her out of her troubles any more. No money no living with us etc. My spouse and I have refused to help her get out of jail. She has called several times asking pleading for help. We are trying to stay strong but it is so very hard. You are right we can rescue her…right? we are already having to come up with an extra car payment and since we cosigned her student loans we are paying that. I don’t think if she bails out that she will stay in the area. I can’t afford financially or emotional to go through this with her. I know I am her mom and I love her but I just dont think I can help her.
Diane
The Salvation Army offers an Adult Rehabilitation Center called ARC. It is a six month or more program and you work a 40 hour week at the store fixing up donated goods. Not for everyone one but as long as you are clean for three days and they have a bed they will take you. I have heard some good things about the program but as any other program the addict has to want to recover. They have locations in several states. I hope this helps. Good luck.
http://www.satruck.com/
I was reading this website, as I am dealing with my ex-boyfriend going through rehab. I was blind to his addiction for the first 6 months of us dating, he never told me about, that he was a recovering addict. The last 6 months I started noticing money missing, and he was being very sneaky with things. I guess I knew something wasnt right, but I was in denial and didn’t want to see anything. When he stole something from my brother, I was enraged! I told him goodbye, and I don’t want to here from you again. He has since then gone to rehab, on his own, he only told me, his parents found out when they called them in for family portion of treatment. He is attending Outpatient Therapy three nights a week and going to AA meetings the other nights. As I metioned before we broke up. He asked me to be his friend through rehab, which I chose to. I have made up rules, mostly to protect myself, because I don’t want to get hurt. I’m not sure how things are going to end, we are just friends now. He wants to get clean and be back with me, he says that I’m the reason why he got clean, he is doing it for himself so I can be in his life. I just hope I made the right choice, but only time will tell I guess!!! Good luck to everyone on here, my heart goes out to you going through this!! I know how it is, and everyone can judge you, but as I say, you don’t know what its like until you have been in my shoes!!
Help! My father in law is a diabetic who lives alone and is an alcoholic. We got a call today he’d walked to the bar and was so toasted when he left he fell down in a ditch. This is not the 1st time we’ve gotten calls of this sort with decent head injuries and such (he turn away the ambulance every time). We live an hour away and can’t be there with him all time…What can we do? His drinking has pushed away all of his friends, he’s depressed to the point where you can not even point out the simple pleasures like teh sun being out (he’s going blind b/c of the diabities). Help!! we can’t sit by and watch him slowly kill himself. We will take any suggestions. Thanks
I have a 60+ year old mother with a drinking problem. Last year, my sister had to move in to my mother’s house (with 4 kids in tow) and since then, my mother’s drinking has been out of control. I myself am almost 2 years sober. My mom thinks she has her addiction well hidden, but my sister calls me and tells me how bad it really is. I talked to my mother yesterday and expressed my concerns. She flew off the handle and accused me of being ‘judgemental’ and ‘how dare I say she has a problem’…She also brought up the fact that I was a drug addict that drank everyday. Not only does it hurt having my mother sling insults at me, but it also hurts knowing that I no longer have a relationship with her. (She ultimately hung up on me) My question: do I call her any more? Do I wait for her to finally ‘get it’?!? Any advice would be much appreciated.
I’ve been so busy trying to get help for my daughter, 27, that I didn’t realize what it was doing to me. Finally I google families dealing with addiction and found out I am not alone. I just called to get an appointment for counseling. I realize, I am not able to help my daughter in my state of mind. I am hurt and angry and keep enabling her. I feel stupid for not catching the sneaky things she does. She says she wants to get help. I have been paying for help for months, years and she continues to relapse.
Got some good advice from your site. Time for me to detach. I will order the book recommended.
I read the article, and I must admit that there isn’t anything there that I have not heard/learned before. I come from a long line of addicts of all sorts, as well as have learned much about addiction throughout my education. My problem is that both of my younger siblings are struggling with addiction. My sister (25 years old) is an alcoholic who has begun abusing prescription meds, along with a few other things recreationally. My brother (22 years old) will do anything he can get his hands on; it started with alcohol and marijuana, then quickly moved to meth and cocaine. He quit using meth all of the time, but still uses it every once in awhile. He is using extasy almost daily. He still lives with my mother, and in the last few months has begun stealing money and medication from her. Very recently I have noticed a decline in my brother’s physical well-being…sores on his body, weird rashes, substantial weight loss, eyes have become sort of sunken in, etc. His attitude towards his family has gone from funny and fun loving to irritable and hateful. I have seen this coming for some time, and have continually spoken to my mother about it…she continues to be in denial and enable his behavior. He has been given a car, cell phone, cash regularly…and he has no job and is not required to work. I have given my mother rehab information that she has yet to look at. Just today I asked her what it would take for her to take this seriously and her response was that she knew something was going on, but she wanted proof as to how serious it is…apparently just the way he looks and the knowledge that he is stealing from her is not enough. I don’t know what to do now. I have very clear boundaries set with my brother, but it seems as if I am the only one, so those boundaries really mean nothing in terms of him getting help or quitting. He is slowly killing himself….both of my siblings are really, and I cannot just let this happen without trying something. I have followed the above recommendations for myself, except for al-anon meetings, but they do no good for my brother when he is surrounded by others who enable him. Does anyone have any advice about how to get my mother to come around, or any resources available? I’d appreciate anything I can get…these are the only siblings I have.