#1 – Understand addiction in order to help addicts
This is a logical and very necessary first step. Before you can learn how best to help a struggling addict or alcoholic, you need to understand the nature of addiction. There are several models of addiction that attempt to describe what it is and why it affects people, but none of those models are entirely accurate. Many people have heard of the disease model, which does a fairly decent job of describing what we see in the real world. For example, even addicts or alcoholics who have stayed clean for several decades can relapse and be right back to their old level of consumption within a matter of days.
Also note that addiction can affect potentially anyone, including those who:
-Have no apparent genetic predisposition for addiction or alcoholism
-Have very little environmental risk
-Have no moral shortcomings or laziness about them
Even if you do not believe in the disease model, learning more about how it works is a necessary foundation in learning about how you can potentially help a struggling addict or alcoholic. If you want to know how to help alcoholics then you need to learn about the condition.
#2 – Get help yourself in order to help the addict
We cannot control a drug addict or an alcoholic, but we can control our own behavior–including how we behave in relationship to a sick and suffering (and possibly manipulative) addict or alcoholic. Therefore, the best thing that you can do if you want to help someone in your life is to get yourself to an Al-Anon meeting. The people there can listen to your situation and give you the best specific advice on how to go about handling things. Educating yourself on how to set limits and boundaries is one of the most important things that you can do in this case.
#3 – Establish boundaries and set limits with the addict
One example of setting a boundary is telling a close friend that you prefer they not be around you if they are drunk or high. Notice that it is specific, and you have to sit down and communicate this type of request explicitly with someone. Setting a boundary like this is difficult because there is this tendency to hurt other’s feelings. But that is part of what is keeping you sick–caring more about this person’s feelings than your own personal well being. Setting boundaries is about putting your own personal well being first, and letting that be a guiding example of how to live. You know you are setting effective boundaries when you are taking back control of your own life and starting to regain your own sanity–instead of being all wrapped up in the problems of a struggling drug addict or alcoholic. This is a crucial distance you must learn to keep when learning how to help a recovering drug addict.
#4 – Confronting the addict
Any time that you casually approach this struggling addict or talk with them about the possibility of getting help is an example of an informal intervention. This might not sound like a very useful option compared to a more formal and organized intervention, but nonetheless it can be very effective. In my own personal experience, I finally decided to ask for addiction help and thus changed my whole life after a simple phone conversation with a family member. The reason for this was because timing was everything. Previously, a formal intervention had failed, because I simply had not been ready to make a change at that time. But a key conversation happened at just the right moment, and it set in motion a series of life changing events for me.
Does this mean that you should pester someone incessantly until they get clean and sober? Probably not. Helping an addict is never that straightforward. But you should never give up hope on them, and you should have a consistent message for them without badgering them. Make sure they know that help is available for them if and when they want it.
#5 – Organize a Formal Intervention
This is what most people think of when they hear the term “intervention,” where the friends and family of an addict all get together and confront that person together and urge them to get help. This is not necessarily the best choice though. There is a lot of evidence that an addict or alcoholic will only change when they personally come to their own point of surrender. A formal intervention does not bring a person to this point. Many would argue that the intervention would only work if the person is already at this critical point of surrender. Nevertheless, some formal interventions have been successful at persuading people to get clean and sober. Here is a full guide to planning and organizing a formal intervention.
Assess a Person’s Addiction in Order to Determine the Correct Approach
A friend or loved one who is caught up in the cycle of addiction has to be approached in the right way. We all know how worthless it is for advice to fall on deaf ears, and this is bound to be the case with certain approaches in trying to help struggling addicts. But there are specific, proactive actions that you can take regardless of where your loved one is at in their addiction. There are no hard and fast rules here because different personality types will call for different approaches. One valuable guideline might be to always use a caring approach instead of a threatening one. Consider the different levels of denial and willingness to change that an addict or alcoholic might have:
* Complete Denial – If a person is in complete denial of their addiction, then there is little that you can do other than focus on your own behaviors and actions. The best that you can do in this case might be to communicate your boundaries with the person and let it be known that you won’t be bailing them out of any jams. A formal intervention is unlikely to produce an immediate change, although it might be a step in letting the person know how much everyone cares for them. In some cases, a formal intervention might be an unhealthy move on your part…better to take care of yourself at this point and simply establish healthy boundaries with the person.
* They are Admitting to their Problem, but are Reluctant to take action - This is the difference between admitting and accepting that they have an addiction. This person is technically still in denial, but they just aren’t willing to change yet. The fear of change, the fear of life without chemicals is too great for them, even though they know that they have a real problem. They are caught between a rock and a hard place.
I was in this state for several years, but was scared to get help and make a change. I was terrified of the thought of facing life without drugs and alcohol. What finally got me to ask for help and change my life was a simple, informal conversation with a family member over the phone. This is what finally “did the trick,” whereas a full scale formal intervention in the past had failed. But also realize that the formal intervention might have been a critical part of the journey.
* They Admit to their Problem and Say they are Willing to Change, but only on Their Own Terms – This is still denial, but in its sneakiest form. The person has agreed to address their addiction and says that they are willing to change. They might even have a genuine willingness to change. But the problem is that they are only going to change on their own terms.
Fear is holding them back. The person is so close to making a life changing decision. Tread with caution and don’t push them over the edge. Be helpful and supportive. Personality type will help dictate if this is the best time for a formal intervention or not. If they are secluded, isolated, shy, or have anxiety or depression, then a formal intervention with lots of people might be a bad idea at this point. If you want to know how to help drug addicts then you have to learn to figure out how hard you can press up against this wall of fear. It can be a tricky balance to attain.
* They Accept their Addiction and Will do Almost Anything You Suggest – This is complete surrender, and represents someone who is ready to change. Get them to a treatment center or a twelve step meeting.
Practicing Detachment
One of the key principles that will help you in dealing with a struggling alcoholic or drug addict is detachment. The idea behind it is to separate yourself emotionally from the damaging effects of your relationship with the addict or alcoholic. It is not the same as complete disassociation or abandoning the relationship. The idea is to care for them while detaching emotionally. You can care for them but not feel like you are responsible for them. In other words, you are specifically trying to not get all wrapped up emotionally by an addicts destructive behaviors.
This is difficult.
Practicing detachment should make it easier over time. Here are some things that you can do in order to practice detachment with the struggling addict in your life:
-Don’t do things that they should be doing themselves.
-Don’t bend over backwards to rescue them or save them from natural consequences.
-Don’t cover up for their mistakes or embarrassing situations.
-Don’t rescue them from crisis or financial situations.
-Don’t try to fix them.
-Let go of any guilt you may have about them
Detachment is not about denying your emotions. If someone close to you dies, for example, you will probably feel sad. You can’t choose this feeling. It simply is. But we do have the power to affect the intensity of this feeling, by focusing on the positive aspects of the situation. We can also change our thinking in an attempt to eradicate irrational beliefs that might be contributing to our emotional turmoil.
The goal is not to go without emotions, the goal is to achieve some level of emotional stability. We are detaching from the negative, irrational thoughts that stir up our emotions–like the guilt we might have if we think someone’s addiction is our fault.
Detachment is difficult and takes practice. I urge you to find local Al-Anon meetings and get involved with them, as those are the people who can help you the most. For some excellent follow-up reading, I highly suggest “Helping Family Members with Addiction“, which is a short but helpful article written by a doctor from Harvard.
Good luck to everyone out there and God bless.
Help for Alcoholism Do you or someone you love need drug or alcohol rehab? Take action and get the help you need right now. Drug Addiction Help What kind of drug rehab is right for you? Give us a call at 1-877-744-3536 Addiction Treatment Real help is available. We can give you the tools to recover. Start your new life today.
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my boyfriend who is 30 we have been together for 2 and half years who i also have a 1 year old son with is doing meth. I knew he was a recovering drug addict when i met him but after about 1 year he turned to drugs again i cant take it he does it probably 1 a month but when he does it its bad i also have another child 8 year old and my kids are being affected by it because of the arguing all the time i love him with everything i have and he hands me all the lies and tells me he is going to change but never does its litterally killing me i dont know what to do i tell him if he keeps on im going to leave but he begs me not to and tells me his life means nothing to him with out me so please somebody tell me what to do
Like many of these stories mine is similar. Me and my boyfriend knew each other from high school and after 20 yrs we got back together. We feel in love immediately and got pregnant one month into our relationship. I have 3 children from a previous marriage to an alcoholic. My bf nana was sick and I think this triggered his drug use. I knew he had a troubled past with the law and drugs. But he was sober and out of trouble for 3 yrs. I put my heart and trust into our relationship. I think I knew in the back of my head he was using but I was in denial. At first I noticed money missing, he had insomnia, complained about stomach aches, spent an hour in the bathroom and was nodding off at inappropriate times. It ended up he got arrested last week and has to spend a mandatory 60 days in prison. I’m heart broken, alone, and guilty that I didn’t help. I’ve been looking for an nar-anon meeting in my area but haven’t had much luck. I can’t leave I’m having his son and I love him more than anything. Help!
It seems there are so many meetings for people who have loved ones that are alcoholics but not for drug addicts. I have gone to Al-Anon meetings but prefer to talk with people who have had the same experiences as I have. I am in a relationship with a man who is a crack addict. We have been together 6 years. I have read so many of these posts on here of people reaching out. There is help out there for us. I use to go “hunt” for my boyfriend when he would dissappear. His drug use consumed my life and made it hectic. But I allowed it all. I have looked closely at myself and learned to make myself come first. We cannot save our loved ones. We can continue to love them but they need to love themselves first. My boyfriend is now in jail because he turned himself in for stealing a gun to pawn for money to buy crack. He was running for a couple years and I allowed it. I could not make him turn himself in. He hit rock bottom and got sick and tired of sleeping where ever he could and having no money. I stopped allowing him to manipulate me and would not let him sleep in my home. I changed my account so that he could not have access. Until he came to realize that he needed help and wanted to stop running there was nothing I could do. I took him to the bus stop where he got on the bus and left to go across the country to turn himself in. I did not know if he really would but I had to let him make that choice. He did and he is getting the help he needs while being locked up. It was the best thing in the world for him. When he gets out it will still be his choice to stay clean. It is my choice what I will allow in my life. It has been very lonely at times because when he was clean we had fantastic times together. It was like living with Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde. We talk very open about his addiction and feelings and mine also. The communication needs to be there. The one thing that I have learned from talking with many addicts who have stayed clean for many years is that they have found some type of belief in a higher power and that church, religion or belief system becomes number one in their life. I know how hard it is to deal with the addicts but we cannot control them. We can take control of our own lives and if you have kids, their lives also. There is hope. If anyone ever needs to just chat you can become my friend on Facebook. Just let me know on a message that you have a loved one in the same struggle. My name is Charity Galbraith. Please don’t be afraid to reach out. There is someone out here who shares your same hurt.
My boyfriend is an addict and has actively sought help, however he does not see himself as an addict and gets frustrated when the term is used, to the extent he has stormed out on his GP. Due to this negative response, he is reluctant to speak to anyone else. He knows he has an issue with drugs and that they highly effect his moods and feels he is dependent on them to have a good time. He also uses them as a coping mechanism for other issues which are going on in his family at the moment. However he has been a user for years. He is using less than he has done previously and can control it to the extent that he will not use in front or around me, but if he runs out and is unable to get hold of anything he spirals into a deep depression, he will also admit that he was an addict previously, but does not see that he might be now.
I want to help him and he obviously feels he needs help if he has tried to speak to a doctor about this, but I don’t know what I can do if he can’t accept that he’s an addict. It is putting a lot of strain on both of us, there are no children involved thankfully, but I would like to start to settle down and contemplate kids in the future with him because I know he will be a fantastic dad, but I can’t bring a child into an environment like this.
We’ve talked about his drug use before but not at any length or in any depth, as I have never wanted to offended him. He was a user when I met him and I always knew this was a part of him so I don’t feel I have the right to ask him to change. It was me who decided to carry on with a relationship, he was honest from the start. He has never lied about his habit, it just seems since problems have started to get worse in other areas of his life the drugs are no longer just for recreational purposes.
On the odd occasion I have bought up the subject and we have talked about it he has said he can always see himself being a user. So how do I help him get back to the stage were he will realise drugs are not his only answer and people do want to help him?
I have stumbled across this website because I feel I am led by God to speak to others about the throes of addiction. I myself am 6 1/2 years sober from a Crystal Meth addiction that nearly cost me my life. To look at me resume anybody would assume that I was meant for great things. I graduated with honors from a 5A school in Texas and was accepted to the university of Texas to study economics. I was a leader in student government, speech and debate, athletics, etc. I was the all American Boy but decided instead after my first year of college to experiment with drugs. In a flash I went from smoking pot to putting cocaine up my nose. Then it got worse, I found speed. Within a year’s time I sold back my books, used my financial aid, and sold drugs to stay high on crystal meth. At the age of 20 I learned to cook my own speed. With an endless supply of dope I found myself so far from the light I welcomed the darkness with open arms. Finally at the age of 21 I was arrested for the manufacture of methamphetamines. Not a light sentence by any means. Thank the lord above I ended up with a 2nd degree felony and no longterm prison time. I ended up doing over 6 months of incarseration, including a stint in a felony correctional rehabilitation clinic. Afterward I struggled with 8 years probation and a felony record. Today I am off paper after completing 5 years of my sentence. I am currently the VP for a multi-state mortgage company and have owned several small businesses of my own. I have a beautiful wife and two wonderful children. I have been to the blackest of the abyss and have lived to tell about it. I am a success because I was willing to change my life and my choices. The one thing I can offer to everyone else on this forum is that only we as individuals can and will make the choice to be sober. I know that all the people on this website want to know what to do for their loved one, but the honest truth is there is nothing to do unless your loved one is WILLING to change. Some need jail, an overdose, or even death to finally realize their own rock bottom. We can onlt pray it is not the latter for your loved one. As a loved one of an addictm the best thing you can do is to stop ENABLING them to continue the addict cycle. Tough love and the allowing them to hit rock bottom will be the only way to save their life. Unfortunatley sometimes a person will die at the bottom. My prayers go out to all who love an addict and walk with them during this dark time. Have hope, I am a living example that it doesn’t have to end in heartache. Good luck to all and Godspeed. One day at a time is the way God himself told us to live.
Eric W.
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