LMAO Counting, you don't even have to tell jokes to crack me up.
LMAO Counting, you don't even have to tell jokes to crack me up.
I'm from Michigan, but I don't talk like a Yooper...
Erin
Omg I can't stop laughing. What the heck is a yooper
LOL! You're laughing and you don't even know what I'm talking about!! A Yooper is someone from the U.P. - Upper Peninsula of Michigan. U.P.-er = Yooper! It must be a Northerner thing.
But I'm southern mitten (Lower Peninsula), so I have more of an Ohio accent. LOL
Good Morning friends, freedom,
Freedom mentioned: "I was scared of people knowing about my "problem," yet risked getting arrested and facing a horrible exposure and embarrassment." in her earlier post. I think we can all relate to this feeling. When I was using, I was in the total secrecy. Nobody knew about my addiction secret. I absolutely was terrified about people finding out my addiction. All of the shame and guilt and fear were the growing baggage on my shoulders. The weight of those baggage got heavier and heavier and the only relief at that time was hydrocodone. After taking some, the guilt and shame got more and then I had to find more pills to take.. The cycles went on and on.
I agree with Counting Days, I can never have the access to the pain medications again. Acceptance is important for me. I accepted the fact that I have the addiction problems. I accepted the fact that I can not take the pain medication like other "normal people" do. The other important thing for my recovery is to be honest about my addiction. I do not broadcast about my addiction, but when people ask, I am honest to answer the question. You will be amazed how much people respect you to be in the recovery with the courage and honesty. The feeling of freedom is unparalleled. Hope my some words will people you guys.. Have a wonderful day.
Ha-ha...it's funny (and scary) that we are now being grouped with the swamp people. I'm actually in the capital city here and we are pretty normal
Counting days...that is so much like my story. I began taking pain meds at 17 for my jaw reconstruction surgery. I have since lost teeth (many root canals) due to the years of the bite being off and the surgery and have had degeneration and issues with my left jaw joint. It would bother me here and there and I would easily get pain meds, but never got hooked and would often toss the rest down the toilet after I didn't need them to avoid temptation. But...i LIKED taking them. I REALLY like the way they make me feel. I had a section with my last child and then experienced a lot of jaw pain. When I realized I could go to pain management and get them all the time was the downfall. I've had 2 surgeries since September of last year that were unexpected. I became so dependent on them and the withdrawals so bad when I tried to stop that I just couldn't stop. Then I started taking more and more, and about 3 months ago it really got out of control. I am glad it did though and came to a point of being forced to stop (or choosing to use those circumstances to stop) because that is the only thing that really made me stop. Realizing how different the circumstances could have been if people didn't have the mercy and compassion they had for me was really a wake up call. I really should have gone to jail for what I was doing. I would have continued on. And, I'm a christian too. I shared earlier that I'm in the same church that I grew up with, with my parents and siblings there. I'm also in the mental health field and feel like I should have known better. I have so much more compassion with the people in the setting I was in (severe mental illness and often substance abuse issues as well). I know God can use this to His benefit if I let Him and heal from this issue. I'm nervous about what will happen if I do have to have surgery again. I don't want to be in pain, but I don't want to experience this enslavement again. I will have to be closely monitored if that happens.
Doc, thanks for your input and wisdom; and to all the others who contribute to this and are farther along in the process than me the newcomer.
Last edited by freedom; 09-22-2011 at 08:19 AM.
Erin
Yes I laughed and I read it again and laughed again. It is just cute the way you expressed it and the word looks funny. Then again you are a comedian anyway. Sometimes I just see your name and get myself ready for a good laugh. You amaze me how you are so caring when you battle your on demons. You just keep the funnies coming and I bet you don't always feel like it. As I said before, you are precious eh? Lol
Good evening everyone! Everyone is sharing where they are from...Southern Gal here! Arkansas born and raised!
Its funny that I started taking my hydros for back pain to what my doc associated with (ok guys excuse this personal info) large breasts that hurt my back tremendously. Still do, and my doc and I are discussing a reduction, but for now, I'm living with smelling like a 70 year old woman rubbed down with menthol and popping aleve, tylenol and ibuprofen like crazy. I've gotta find an alternate solution becuase the pain is still here but the one thing that helped isn't...the hydros. I don't feel as though I abused them. I took them as prescribed, never bought them off the street and they actually helped me. BUT I know that long term, I can't and won't continue to take them because I could feel myself becoming dependent on them. When it was time to take one, I felt it. When my prescription was running low, I would get nervous and start calling the doctor to make sure to get them filled...especially close to the weekend. I know if I continued any longer I was on the verge of getting out of control. I started out on 5's, then 7.5's finally to 10's.
The past couple of days my mind is messing with me...telling me that I could take just one and be ok. That feeling is awful. Of course I have access to them if I wanted it so I have to stay focused and keep going, fighting that urge. My goal now is to get to 60 days...Im currently on day 40 today!!
Hope you all are doing well this evening. I'm gonna call it an early evening and try to get some rest...needs some sleep, my new favorite time of the day now!
Serena
"When everything seems like an uphill struggle, just think of the view from the top"
Freedom and Serena
Im glad you are aware that relapse is a real possibility. I know for a fact it will happen if you have control over your pills and think you can handle it. I don't know how Serena had control as long as she did.but even she knows something about it was getting out of control. Serena you get that breast reduction and throw some my way. I could use another cup. Im way over here in S.C. Bring it to me.lol. Seriously Serena I hope you have that done. I have seen women suffer with that. I can't wait to see 40 days. I have never made it that far. Of coarse I have only quit once before. I have a question. Are any of you girls going through the change or close to the age to go through it. Im really having a tough time with it. I do not take hormones because im scared of them and I don't want to gain weight. The hydros helped me with that. I think that is one reason I am struggling with recovery this time. Much slower. I could be hyper focusing on it too. Doc, I hear that even men go through a change and depression goes with it too. I don't think you are old enough yet from the way you talk but if your not I hope you can get this behind you long before you go through the low Ts stage. I do a lot of research. That's how I found PAWS. Great information about post withdrawal. Well, its early but I gotta get ready for work. Y'all have a great day my friends. Its funny how I wake up, make my coffee and get on here to be close to my friends. Its making me tear up thinking about it. I don't know what I would do without y'all.
Counting days...I think about all of the time how I took hydro's for 10 years as prescribed and nobody ever even knew except for my close family. My mom and aunts also take them for other medical reasons and when I found myself hiding the fact that I had a script from them and "hoarding" my pills, I knew they were becoming a problem. I didn't want to run out and didn't want to share them with anyone. Kept them close to me at all time, in my purse EVERYWHERE I went. When I initially started taking them, I would get sleepy and didn't function very well, but the longer I took them, the "high" started to get better and better and then my energy level soared and then I knew I was hooked. The one trademark with me was that I talked ALOT after I took one. My family would even comment...did you just take a pill because you won't shut up. It was somewhat of a joke, but I think about it now and it's rather embarrassing that they could even recognize that.
I was also starting to have memory problems. I was SERIOUSLY thinking that I was getting early dementia or something because I was starting to remember less and less and repeating myself all of the time. Now that I'm not taking the hydro's...I see that it was the pills. It wasn't anything else, because I am remembering things fine now, not repeating myself and feel like I'm out of a "fog". It's so very weird. I hate it because for the last 10 years I believed that the pills didn't affect me when they truly did. And I have 10 years of some memories that are gone or vague in my mind. I feel quilty about that becuase my kids are 18 and 19 and 21 and that means for half of their life...I was there, but was I TRULY there??
Counting Days...you will make it to 40 days! I just know you will. You here and you have that a true desire to get clean, I can tell from your words...we will help you to get there! I'm 41, so not yet going through the change, but my family thought I was at one time lol. It was the hydro's...I don't know about anyone else, but when I would take one...I would have MAJOR hot flashes. Didn't realize then that it was the pills because now, I no longer have the hot flashes AT ALL. Another thing about my body that I didn't realize. I have had a hysterectomy but still have my ovaries and don't take hormones, but I'm being told lately that I'm moody and quite irritable. DUHHHH I am just stopping an opiate that I've had in my body for 10 years, how do people expect me to feel? lol I'm up and down and all over the place. And I'm on an antidepressant now that I wasn't before...it's helping, but I don't want to be on it for long, just until I get over this hump. I said 6 months and I want to be off of it. Ok, I'm rambling again.
Counting days...I'm sending you a "cup" and some hugs this morning!
Serena
"When everything seems like an uphill struggle, just think of the view from the top"
Serena
Im so glad I checked this forum before going to work. Im sitting in the car now. I just had to check. You just gave me the push I needed. Everything you described to me is exactly what it was like for me. I still feel grief over not remembering every detail about my baby daughters wedding reception. I mixed my pills with champagne. Uggh. I will regret that the rest of my life. There are a lot of things I missed. I thought it was just me. Thank you so much.
Hello everyone my name is Larry.
ok heres my story. ive been takin hydros for a while now but been addicted for about 3 years. i have no doubts that i am addicted. i make excuses to myself and the people who know of my addiction. i started by taking 1 or 2 10mg/500 a day and worked my way up to 4 a day after a while. on top of this i have extreme anxiety disorder and tend to have panic attacks often. i seem normal to everyone around me but inside im overcome with emotions. ive quit jobs and pretty much locked myself in my room for months at a time.
back to my addiction.
when i finally got to 4 a day i thought wow im killing myself. i had an extreme panic attack to after i had took 4 a day every single day without missing a day for a few months. i thought surely my liver was dead and i was going to die. anyone with anxiety disorder understands what i mean by mentally finding things wrong with yourself to think about. i finally went to see my Dr and told him of my addiction. he put me on zoloft told me to quit cold turkey. all my liver enzyme tests come back ok and he reassured me i was fine and i just needed to quit. while waiting to pay for my visit i was already texting contacts to get more hydros.
sufice to say i was addicted still. eventually i worked my way up to 8/500's a day. i do not have a script and i buy mine off the street. i get them for cheep but it still eats up close to have of my weekly wages. eventually the anxiety caused by knowing i was hurting myself and thinking i had took to many caused me to have a semi nervous breakdown and i had to take a leave from work. even twice i called poison control late at night in the middle of a panic attack and told them the dosage i took just to reassure myself i wasnt dyingg.
with no job an no source of income i had to quit. the first 3 days were the worst 3 days of my life. i stayed locked up in a room. i couldnt sleep. i hurt all over and had muscle spasms and constant diaherria. finally after about 10 days i started feeling better. after almost a month i decided i was free of it and was back at work.
with a little money in my pocket i thought to myself i could buy a few and have them just if i had a ache etc. i took one now and then and i felt that good ol high again but resisted the urge to jump back in head first because of my fear of desending into my anxiety. then i wake up one morning and my knee is killing me. it got progressivly worse over a three day period and i couldnt bend it. it was a constant burning pain. i took off work a few days and got some hyrdos and took 2 10mg/500's ever 4-6 hours to try and sleep. so thats like at least 6 a day. well i did that a few days and finally the pain went away...but the addiction was back to stay.
fast forward about 4 months and here i am. addicted to hydros again. i've worked my way up to the 6-8 10mg/500s a day every single day. i keep a stockpile so i never have to worry about running out. my anxiety is back worse than ever and ive been missing work. i really dont know what to do anymore. i dont feel anythng from them anymore but i have to take them cuz out of fear of the feeling of those first 4 days last time. i know im slowly killing myself but i just cant stop. im single and withdrawn now and feel like my only love in the world is hydrocodone.
like i said i take 6-8 10mg/500 every single day without missing. has anyone else been here or am i like taking more than anyone else ever? i would really like to get some imput and advice from someone who has been where i am and got through it.
just looking for a little hope...
Larry
Wow Larry, I could just feel your pain and agony... Yes, there is hope. I was on about 15 10mg/500 a day for a long time before I quit. Just like you, I have quit and relapsed and quit again many times in the past. This time I am more determined than ever. I have been clean since 7/1/2011. undoubtedly, my life, my job, my relationship with my wife and kids have all gotten better since I quit. It is not an easy road, but it is always worth of trying. Keep posting and tell us more about you. A lot of us all understand what you are going thru because we all have been there. We are all different people from different places, but when it comes to the addiction, we are all the same.. Hope to hear from you soon.
Oh by the way, thanks for jumping in Larry. I am a guy and I did not know what to respond when the ladies were talking about their recovery with their menopause and boobs.
You are so very welcome!! I'm glad to know that I'm also not the only one that has those foggy memories. I SERIOUSLY thought I was starting to have early dementia or some type of neurological disorder, to the point that I was going to go to the doctor....then I quit taking the hydro's and now I understand the cause. Don't feel guilty or have regret. We can't change our past, we can only move forward to an even better future. We will have new memories and new life experiences and we are well on our way there one day at a time!Originally Posted by counting days
Serena
"When everything seems like an uphill struggle, just think of the view from the top"
Doc, I seriously had a mouth full of soda and almost spit it out when I read the menopause and boob comment! LOL That was so funny! Guess we did get a little open and personal on that one! Sorry guys!
Welcome Larry! You are definitely not alone, we all share the same addiction. Situations, dosages, and reasons may be different, but at the end of the day it's just that...and addiction. This is an awesome place to find support and gain knowledge about your addiction and I've even learned so many things about myself just through this forum. Please go back and read some of the older posts and PLEASE continue to post. We are not hear to judge you or criticize you, we are here to support you and lift you up! And sometimes, we even talk about the change of life (menopause) and boobs! haha
Then there is Millie Simmons....she is going to get you over to our exercise challenge thread and it's been a blessing as well. We are all making sure to get in 20 minutes of excercise a day...Take a peak at it under the water cooler thread, it's called the 30 day challenge I believe. I LOVE it because through just a little physical activity each day, I feel better about myself and my body. None of this will be easy, the physical withdrawals, the emotional and psychological withdrawals and the entire process is the hardest thing that I have ever done personally in my life. But know that we as a group are here to support you and please don't ever hesitate to talk about whatever is on your mind or ask any questions that may come up. We aren't perfect, but we are all here to do this together!! I just love my little "cyber family"!
Serena
"When everything seems like an uphill struggle, just think of the view from the top"
thanks to all for replying to my post. i found this thread over a year ago during on of my anxiety episodes. i found comfort and inspiration in the stories of success and felt the agony and pain in the stories of relapse. i book marked the site and visit it from time to time. finally got the courage to post my story.
its a good feeling to know there are other people who share your struggles and feelings. i have a friend who was addicted to hydros as well and he quit almost a year ago. he still does them habitually but in moderation. thats what got me addicted again in the first place thinking if he can do it then i can.
i have literally had to disassociate myself from friends. growing up i had 2 best friends who were like brothers to me. one od'd when we were 23 and the other is no longer human being but an addiction with a body. i.m so afraid of becoming that. i make excuses for myself. i work hard and pay for my "drugs" and function in everyday society were as he steals from his family and friends.
on another note my mother is a drug and alcohol addiction counseler and she knows of my addiction. she thinks im clean at the moment tho. its so painful when she asks me how im doing and i tell her im still clean and she goes on about how proud of me she is. she has tried to help me and she has. shes understanding and compassionate and no matter what ive done has always been there for me. but there is only so much she can do because she cant be my mother and my counseler.
im not gonna lie, im not clean at the moment but have been trying to slowly cut back. i had to leave work early today because of my anxiety and its looking like soon if i dont do something ill be back to square one. out of a job and working on getting clean.
thanks again for ur comments and words of comfort. i shall keep you informed of my progress when i can
Larry
Larry...I commend you for having the courage to disassociate yourself from your friends. That's a very hard thing to do, but you have to put yourself first, so although I know that decision is hard it is a step in the right direction. The people around me that take hydro's are my family, and I did go to each of them and explain my addiction and made them understand that they could not offer me a hydro under any circumstance and also if I got weak and sought them out for any, they HAD to tell me no. All of my friends and family have been supportive and luckily I have not had any issues. Two friends on the same day did offer me a pill, but I explained my situation and politely declined. I can't believe that I was able to do that. Especially because even today I still have cravings for them (not near as bad as earlier) and as of today I'm on day 42!! Yay!! You will get there too. You have taken the first step which is admitting your addiction, you have taken another step by disassociating yourself from certain friends and you will get to a better place. It won't be easy and it will take some time, but you can do it!
I slowly weaned myself down each day for a week until I took my last pill...that seemed to help somewhat for my withdrawal symptoms. And I took off work for a week so I could go through the worst part at home and didn't have to subject myself to the anxiety that you mention. I have panic attacks and anxiety disorder so coming off of the hydros only intensified that. I thought I was going crazy!! Are you having sleeping problems? That was one of the worse things for me and now...I sleep so good (with the help of ambien I can't lie...and monitored by my doctor)! I thought I would never get a good nights rest but now that I have all of the hydros out of my system...my body is starting to feel better. I had horrible stomach problems and muscle aches and felt like I was coming out of my own skin...but it passed and I'm now on the road to getting my mind in a healthier place.
I too made excuses for myself, your story sounds so familiar in that aspect. I said...my doctor prescribes them to me, my name is on the bottle, so there is nothing wrong with me taking them. But it was just that...an excuse. I could feel myself spiraling out of control slowly and I had to make the decision to do something about it. It's not easy, but you can do it!!
Be honest with your mom, and believe it or not, I am a mother too and we know more about what goes on in our children's lives than our children think we do. And especially if she's had formal training, she knows the signs and maybe she can't be your counselor, but she can help you get to someone else that can help you. It's nothing to be embarrassed about and if anyone will support you, she will. This is of course coming from the "mom" in me!
Please continue to check in with us. Even if your not clean now, you will take that step to DAY 1 on your own time. So I'm looking forward to seeing that post that you've made it to that first day. And we will all be here to help you and support you! Take care of yourself and please keep posting!!
Serena
"When everything seems like an uphill struggle, just think of the view from the top"
Good Morning Larry,
When I was using, I was like your "zombie" friend. My life did not matter to me. My family did not matter to me. My career did not matter to me. I just wanted hydrocodone. I got no high from all of those hydros but I took them just to feel ok, so I could continue to find drugs to avoid the withdrawal. I was a total slave. I had no freedom because I had to keep finding the drugs. I had no love because I did not care about anything else except hydro. I had no dignity because I would lie, manipulate, and cheat just to get hydro. I still did not want to quit and could not quit because my body and mind were possessed by the evil hydro.
Two things happened in me to make me quit. One was, one day I was alone and I became suicidal by taking a handful of hydro at once to "finish it". Next day, I woke up. I realized I did not die. I burst out crying. I did not want this life any more. I cried hysterically (Yes, a man like me cried hysterically.) and screamed for help. No one could hear me because I was alone in the house. Then, I started thinking my kids would be fatherless and my wife will be a widow who probably would be on the street begging for food for living. Those were the absolutely the most horrible thoughts to me. I knew I hit the very bottom in my life.
The second thing was that I confessed honestly to my friend who was a recovering addict about my problems. That confession took me a long time to open up. It was so difficult for me to say the things I wanted to say, but once I admitted my problems and asked for help, I felt the 2 million ton weight on my shoulders got lifted instantly.
In your post, I do feel your struggle and I feel your desire to get better. You want to get a better life unlike your friends'. That is the courage to me. No one can help you unless you really want their help. I wanted to get help and I would do whatever it takes to get better. My healing and recovery started from that point on. You can do the same thing.. From the bottom of your heart, admit to your mom or someone and ask for help. Sorry about my emotions... We are all on the same boat and need to carry each other. Hope your healing will start soon.
Good Morning Serena
You beat me to writing to Larry. After I read his post which brought me back the flashback of my using, I became emotional and had to gather myself. It took me more than one hour to finish my last post..
I often times needed to reflect on my life and purposely find the emotions when I was using. I do not want to forget how bad the addiction has scarred me. I have accepted the fact that I am a addict and can not take even one pill. I do not want to forget the horror of addiction because I do not want to start thinking "its not too bad and one pill is not gonna hurt". I do not want to start romancing with hydro again.. Sometimes I feel too comfortable with my recovery and start forgetting how bad it was..
It is very sunny in where I live. The sun, like your sunny face, pumps me up. I am going to take a walk to the park and continue to get in touch with my feelings and emotions. Hope everyone has a great day.
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