How to beat hydrocodone addiction

[DOC]

Good Morning,
Wow, there are a lot of good stuff on the post today.. I took a handful of pills one time. I did not have the real intention to commit suicide, but I just wanted to take those pills in my hand, about 15 or 16. I was completely mindless and I was ok if I did not wake up from it at all.. Next day, I woke up. I woke up with the pure state of shock and panic. It was like my higher power just hit me on the back of my head to tell me to really "wake up". I knew at that time, I was given the second chance. If I died that time, I would not have seen my kid's high school graduation. I would not have seen my kid packed and headed to college... Yes, there are a lot of things for me to cherish and be grateful. I love every moment of it.
I would not be able to enjoy what I have if I was still using. To me, my sobriety is on the top of my list. Without my sobriety, I will not have what I have right now. When I was using, I did not care anything or anybody. My kid could be dying and I would still turn my head away to look for hydros. Without my sobriety, I do not have a life. Recently I separated from my business partners to be on my own because I realized they were giving me the most anxiety and emotional turmoil in the past 10 years. I just could not take the ups and downs any more. They are great people but we are not meant to be partners together. It is scary to start on your own, but every moment is worth it. I really want to do something to protect my sobriety. I still love my ex partners, but I do not want them to negatively influence my life any more. Hope my experience helps other people, and have a good day..

[serena]

Today is a rough day for some reason...took a sick day at work and I'm home sitting in my room in the dark, all the kids are at school or work today, husband is at work and I'm just blah. I won't lie...the feeling of wanting to take a pill is heavy on my mind today. OMG I will be so glad when these kind of days pass. I'm actually sitting her wishing I had something to take, anything. Of course I don't have access to any meds (so don't worry guys), but I can honestly say if I did...I would have taken them by now. I am taking my doggies to the vet this afternoon so I will get up and moving, but I just feel so down today. On a positive note....it's day 46 for me!! Sorry for the pity party!

[DOC]

Yeap, I have had days like that too. This is the time that you can use the few new coping skills that you have acquired since you quit.. Go take a walk. Soak in the sun. Get on netflix and watch a funny movie or something. Go have a big piece of chocholate cake or something...

YOU CAN DO IT. :]

[_Erin_]

I second Doc You can do it!! You've got that great big happy sunshine face for your avatar and you're going to lock yourself in your dark room? Don't let it get to you! You've got 46 days under your belt, that's awesome!! I haven't had to battle addiction, but I've been through pity parties and depression before - the best remedy I've found is to force myself to get up and do something! Sitting in the dark, thinking about "what you want but can't have," you're just feeding the craving! You're a strong woman and you are helping so many people on this site... myself included. I hope you find something to take your mind off of it and enjoy the rest of your day today!

[_Erin_]

"When everything seems like an uphill struggle, just think of the view from the top"

[serena]

Soooooo today has still been absolutely horrible, but I made myself get up and moving around. Took the dogs to the vet and out for dinner tonight. Now I'm just ready to lay down and go to sleep. Just can't shake this funk I'm in for some reason. Thanks Doc and Erin for your support. I truly appreciate it.

Doc...you definitely have to utilize "new" skills on days like this. Before I would have taken a pill and thought my world was all ok. It doesn't work like that anymore.

Erin...Reading my quote reposted by you made me smile! Thank you for that!!

Hopefully about to fall asleep and wake up tomorrow to a brighter day!!

[Fred]

Hello everyone.
This is my first post,however have been reading posts since my 2nd day off the Norcos.I'm on day 15 now with no pills.
Here is my story.I'm a 47 year old guy.I hurt my back about 7 years ago and have been on some kind of pain killers since.
I felt I was in control of my pain meds up till a couple years ago.I would get 50 norcos a month from my doctor but soon
found out that wasn't enough.I soon found an outside source to feed the addiction.I was taking 15 to 20 pills a day near
the end.I was very good at hidding my addiction.I wouldn't use at work,but would be dying waiting for the end of the day
to take a handful of about 6 pills when I got to my car.Then another 6 or so when later that night.I finally starting using
at work because I couldn't wait any longer.Weekends were a free for all.I would take 5 or 6 with my morning coffe and
continue throughout the day.
I finally got the wake up call when my wife told me she was about to leave me.I absolutely love my wife and that would
just push me over the edge.I knew then I was done.That was 15 days ago.The first 5 or 6 days were the worst.At day 15
I feel great.I'm not quite back to my old self....but very close.I still think about them now and then but I get over it very fast.
I never thought I'd make it but I did and I'm not going back there ever again.Good luck to you all who have to go through this.
It is hard but very much worth it.I still have to deal with physical pain due to my continued back issues but the mental pain from
the pills are gone.This is my first and possibly my last post.If I come back here it just means I'm still dwelling on the pill.I now just
want to get on with the life I put on hold for the last 7 years.
Again,Good luck to you all.I know if I can do it....anyone can.I was a junky!

[counting days]

Serena
I did not get to read the post yesterday. I had to work till last night. I am sorry you had such a bad day but today is a new day. I too had an emotional day yesterday. Im sure y'all can tell by my post I wrote. Today is a new day for both of us. I have to remind myself and maybe this will help you too. Even people that do not have an addiction problem have horrible days. We just always took a happy pill to feel better. We are always going to have those days. Like Doc said and I have also said watch a funny movie, get that brain motivated. I myself might still feel down but I can function better when im busy on those bad days. Im going through a bad family thing right now and it is very painful and depressing but I shared with y'all and cried and went to work and did the best I could. I realized that I can survive without pills when I feel bad. Sorry Doc, but you know us women have hormones all over the place. Pills helped with that too. Girl I know im telling you stuff you already know but I need to be reminded sometimes what I know. Today will be better for both of us. Can we make that happen? Im off today and im tired and im going to watch a great movie and iron. What are you going to do today. I will pray for us all my friends.

[counting days]

Fred
That is awesome that you are doing so well. If you have been reading then you know not to get too confident in your recovery and possibly relapse. We are here fighting the fight. Anytime you need to share with us, join is

[counting days]

Doc
Wow, That was a huge step you took getting out on your on. Partners don't generally do well. That's even biblical. Good for you. You can run things your way and still remain friends with your ex partners. That's a great change. I have discovered that lifestyle and work change has played a major roll in my recovery. I don't even have time to think about pills at work. However I do miss them on the weekend sometimes and in the early morning with my coffee. I can handle it. It is like loosing a loved one. Its there and you miss it but it becomes acceptance. I will always remember the feeling but also the hell im going through getting over it. It is tough isn't it Doc?

[counting days]

Erin
Thank you for sharing your story. I know that was not easy. I too have a past that would make your hair stand on ends. I was a bad girl. The strange thing is, is I never touched drugs. I was a party girl until I was in my early 40s. My younger days were pretty wild though. I didn't fall in love with Jesus until mid 40s. I look at my life and wonder how I survived. I do have the occasional guilt and shame. I have to remind myself that it has all been forgiven. The sad part is my children remember me dating guys much younger than me and me acting like a teenager. My face is red typing this. They too have forgiven me and love that I am a Christian now. I have an awesome husband and am so very thankful for what the Lord has done in my life. The question is, my life is so blessed and I am a Christian, then how did I become a pill head? I don't know the answer but im working on that.

[dawn]

Hey guys - I haven't posted on here in quite a while because I relapsed unfortunately. Just please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. Just reading the posts on this forum has really helped. It sucks cause I was in a really good place. Now the pain is pretty bad and the anxiety is the pits. My back is actually hurting really bad so getting off the pills this time is not going to be easy. I can't even hardly sit at my desk to work and of course standing isn't good either. I have reached a really low point this time. And I'm completely ashamed of myself. I was taking at least 6 10mg/500 a day. More than I ever have. I've slowly been weening myself down again. Today is my first day with just one pill. I actually do have another one to take if my pain becomes unbearable. Trying to offset that with Ibuprofen though. But I do have a positive outlook and am looking forward to the day when I can say at least one day clean! Please please please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. I am positive, but beyond a little bit desperate!

[Invisible girl]

I have never posted on here before, but after reading people's posts I know I'm not alone. I was horribly addicted to opiates for 2 years, I was on a morphine patch and taking 15 lortabs 10's a day.. Unfortunately it was The first two years of my sons life. I remember thinking I had to be the only one in the world this bad, how could anybody let herself get like this? I was disgusted with myself, and felt like I was slave to pills.. I couldn't do anything without thinking about where mine were or how many I had left. After two years I checked myself into detox because there was no way I could ever get off them myself I was the for 15 days, I had to leave my son and it was one of the lowest points in my life. Now I'm a single mother and two years later I'm going right back to it, the other day I took 18 10's. I don't know how I got back to this and I don't know how to stop, I want more than anything to have my clean sober life back but I can't leave my son again. I know in 6 month I will be no good to him at all if I keep going like I am, what do I do? I can't go back to detox because I have no one to watch my son. Now that I know I'm not the only one who's going through this I feel better, I hope I can do it.. I just thought I'd share my story

[freedom]

Invisible Girl- It's going to be hard, but the main thing is accountability. MAKE yourself seek out people who will help you in your recovery. There are the NA meetings, substance abuse counselors who can make you do random pee tests to help you be accountable, etc. My 3rd child is 20 months now and I had (over 2wks off now....ups and downs big time, but getting better) been on hydros for all of his life. It makes me sad too, but at least you have a motivation to clean up and be there for him.

Serena, I hope you are feeling better. You've been so supportive and encouraging to so many here. I had a day of intense craving yesterday that hit me. I have a few good days and then I am hit with that and it is overwhelming....but I remembered that you and Doc and Counting Days, and the others I've read have gotten so far. I'm only on day 16.

Counting days, please look into the Breaking Free study that I am doing (beth moore)! You can buy the bible study even if you don't watch the dvd's. Something she said in the study for today is that God does not bring insight (into sin and poor coping patterns) to bring devastation, but to bring healing. He does not bring condemnation, but forgiveness. I am still healing and dealing with my guilt/grief and the enormity of my actions, but I too am trying to give it to him and move forward, and remind myself that it is forgiven. Two big verses that have impacted me right now are Isaiah 44:21-22; and Ephesians 4:16-24. I just wanted to share because it is really helping me root out, as Doc said so well a few posts ago, the "defect" in me that causes me to stray from Christ and into something else that is not fulfilling, i.e. they hydros. What is hindering me from being fully satisfied in Christ?...working on that right now. She put some "formulas" in today's study that really had me thinking:
My environment+my experiences=my "truth"
My truth+ nothing (no christ to fill void) is incomplete
My truth+Satan's lies=captivity; so in my case My pain/addiction + Satan's lies that I cannot cope with the pain/life in general without medication=captivity
God's truth (accurate) is greater than my "truth" (perceptions based on my experience)
My truth+God's truth=freedom.

Hope I didn't sound too preachy, but this is huge to my recovery right now.

Erin, thanks for re-sharing your story. I had not gone back far enough to read your story of addiction and recovery. Thanks for all the funny posts and uplifting messages.

[freedom]

Freedom
I am having a rough day too. I hate it when a bad day can trigger that desire. Yesterday was so bad with my mom I wanted a pill or two so bad but then I would have been just like her. I am learning to deal with daily problems without the happy pill. Like I said its all these first times I want to get through. Im already wondering how great Christmas is going to be without pills. It will be the real me. I am trying to set goals for myself for the holidays.
Erin
Bless your heart. You always come through. Do you actually type all that in a few minutes? I think you amaze me that you never complain like I do and im sure your have bad days too. You inspire me sweetheart.

Thanks for the encouragement. It helps to know I'm not alone in that. It's so hard for my husband to understand all this because he does not have an addictive personality and has never dealt with this. It so helps to be able to talk this out with people in the same situation who understand the range of emotions involved.

[serena]

Good evening everyone! Thank you all so much for your support and concern for lil old me! I truly am blessed to have you all in my life, via online or not. I was thinking about what Counting Days said recently....how sad is it that once we find our new selves and overcome our addiction, we won't come here to interact daily like we do now. And how sad is it that we have never or could never see each other face to face besides the blog. That is sad to me too because without you guys, I would not have been able to get through this alone. You helped me before I ever signed up by posting your stories and I read them without you knowing. Then I joined and have learned to love each and every one of you individually. Now I post and I find release and receive advise and wisdom and have bonded with friends. I can only speak for me, but I don't think that I'll stop posting here for a long while...I do believe even when I feel that I am "recovered" I will then have that wisdom to pass on to someone else. So I would be leaving at the wrong time by then. I do believe that I'm here for the long haul...I feel comfortable and I want ALL of us to recover and find a happy place in our worlds without our addictions. And we will get there!!!

OHHHHHH ITS DAY 47...YES 47 FOR ME TODAY!!!

[serena]

Hey guys - I haven't posted on here in quite a while because I relapsed unfortunately. Just please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. Just reading the posts on this forum has really helped. It sucks cause I was in a really good place. Now the pain is pretty bad and the anxiety is the pits. My back is actually hurting really bad so getting off the pills this time is not going to be easy. I can't even hardly sit at my desk to work and of course standing isn't good either. I have reached a really low point this time. And I'm completely ashamed of myself. I was taking at least 6 10mg/500 a day. More than I ever have. I've slowly been weening myself down again. Today is my first day with just one pill. I actually do have another one to take if my pain becomes unbearable. Trying to offset that with Ibuprofen though. But I do have a positive outlook and am looking forward to the day when I can say at least one day clean! Please please please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. I am positive, but beyond a little bit desperate!

Dawn: You are most definitely in my thoughts and prayers. Because I know that what you are going through is incredibly difficult and one of the hardest things that you have probably had to make the choice to do, and your here. I worry every day about relapse, but don't beat yourself up because you did. Don't feel shame or guilt. All the energy you are putting into those negative feelings need to be shifted over to positive thoughts about getting to day 1!!! Just keep weaning yourself down do this one day at a time! I have backpain too, but it's crazy that since I am no longer taking the pills....my backpain can be somewhat controled with OTC meds. It's all about adjustment and lifestyle change and lots and lots of willpower. Dawn, I am here for you and I know many others are as well. Please don't feel embarrasses, feel PROUD and HAPPY and lets do this!!! We are looking for that day you scream.....ONE!!!!

[counting days]

Freedom
I have walked by that book so many times at the book store and it never entered my mind that it would be helpful in this situation. I will get it. I will have to do it alone though in private. My poor husband just wouldn't understand how I could possibly still be fighting myself because he has no knowledge or experience with this. Its not that he does not care he just wouldn't understand. You guys are my counselors. I am getting the book and use it along with my bible. Thank you for the inspiration. I will let you know when I get started. If I don't get back here this weekend, you have a fantastic weekend my friend

[counting days]

Freedom
By the way, you can preach to me all you want. I love to talk about Jesus. He is who I want to live and breath for

[counting days]

Serena
Im like you. I could not imagine not talking to you guys. I wish we all had little t.v. screens so we could see each other when we talk. Expressions are so much easier when you can hear or see. Im not going anywhere either unless I loose internet. I have way too much fear of relapse. I have relapsed before because I got comfortable and didn't need anyone, so I thought. I guess that's why im not excited yet and I have quit counting too. I will celebrate when I hit 6 months just a little bit. I am going to wait a few more weeks and look at my calendar and see how far I have come. Im so weird and I call myself counting days. Well I did in the becoming.lol. I hope you have a great weekend if I don't get on here. See you on water coolers haha