How to beat hydrocodone addiction

[freedom]

Larry, I don't have a lot of time to post something long right now, but I wanted to answer you question: at my worst I was taking 10-12 7.5mg hydros in one day....that is a lot. My liver enzymes and everything else came back normal recently too. I am so glad I didn't do permanent damage with the addiction. I'd been on them for 1.5 years continuously (off and on at times before that but not addicted then.) Though these higher doses were toward the end. At least you know that your body is ok and feel less anxious about that as you contemplate your recovery. I'll post more later.

[T is back]

Hey everyone, so happy to see so many new people on here.

I am so sorry Counting that I left the forum. I have been too ashamed to come on here as I once again relapsed. I have no idea how I can do so well for so long and then talk myself into doing a few. I am trying to taper, I have too much going on in my life right now to go cold turkey and of course I'm scared to. Last time I did a quick taper and it worked pretty well for me. This time I can't bring myself to taper that quickly but may have no choice if I end up taking more than I should in the next few days. I know I can get through the early withdrawals (hate it but can do it) what I'm affraid of is how do I get through long term recovery, why do I keep fooling myself? I didn't want to admit this to you all but now that I have maybe I can start to move forward. Again, I'm so sorry Counting and Doc.

T

[serena]

Counting Days...how are you doing? Haven't seen your posts in a couple of days and I hope all is well. Thinking about you...

Doc...I loved your post to Larry, you do have so much wisdom to share. I too have read so many posts on here that remind me of myself that I am amazed sometimes. Actually, I read this forum for a few weeks prior to actually joining and the posts and stories were what gave me the courage to proceed with quitting cold turkey. And I knew what I was going through wasn't just my experience, you all have been through it too and it helped me so much. I thank each and everyone of you for sharing your stories and your struggles because you never know who the reader on the other side of the computer may be and what effect your words can have. For me, they pushed me even harder to get clean!!

Good morning Larry! Hope you had a great weekend and we truly hope to hear from you again on the forum soon! Please let us know how your doing.

Good morning Freedom! Hope you also had a great weekend, Happy Monday (I truly hate Mondays!)

Welcome back T! I have read your posts many days prior to joining the group and I want to thank you for being part of the reason that today I am 44 days without a hydro!! And I believe you will too get things back on track. Just coming back to the forum and admitting that you relasped shows your desire to want to get clean and you know that we will be here to support you! I tapered off of my pills too...I really think that helped my withdrawals to be a little easier on me, do you think so?? I'm praying that I never have to find out again, but I wont lie...I think so often about taking "just one" pill. It's almost like I think I'm testing myself to say I'm stronger than the drug. But I know that I'm not. It completely takes over our lives. I'll be thinking of you today and come back later to check on you. It will be great to see your day one!! Just adding your post has started your travels forward!! Good luck!!

Hope everyone has a great day!!

[counting days]

Hey y'all
Wow, a lot of activity on here the last couple of days. I too laughed pretty hard when I read Docs comment about boobs and menopause. So sorry Doc. My weekend went well other than a family upset yesterday. My mom is always starting trouble in my family and she takes quite a few pills herself. Big drama queen too. The strange thing is, is I saw her through clean eyes and she was so high on pills and couldn't even argue her point which no one wanted to hear. I never knew how bad she was because I was too happy on my pills and in my own world. My heart is broke. How did I not know she was that bad off. Her life is a mess at 66 years old and on all kinds of pills. She denies it. Imagine that!!! That was me. I feel sick about it. That's my mom and me and my children are afraid she's gonna die. Im like a tiger with her cubs and she is hurting my grown kids and I feel so much bitterness toward her. Sorry. Yesterday was a rough family day. When the family had drama I used to take a pill to get me through. All these first times are hard

[counting days]

T
I was so happy to hear from you. I cried when I saw that you were back. I have thought about you so much. You know what? Look at how many of us have relapsed. Sometimes a few times. We will get through this too. Believe me I know how hard the PAWS is. It is probably harder than the initial withdrawals. But it helps to educate yourself about it and there are so many things that help with the recovery. Our brain has that fiery receptor that needs something because it is used to narcotics filling it up and don't remember how to make its own chemicals yet. It takes time. There is so many things to do to make your brain make its own feel good chemical. I wouldn't make it if I didn't do brain exercises. Does that make sense to you. I hope im not rambling. Just happy to hear from you and so sorry you have to start over but you know we are here and I will keep you in my prayers. I have thought about you so much. Welcome back friend

[counting days]

Erin
Im having a pity party again today. Its Monday. Do your thing girl. Make me laugh. My brain is foggy.

[T is back]

Thank you so much Serena and Counting!

I can't believe I let myself get back into this dark place. For some reason my brain is telling me it's not going to get better but I know that is a lie. I remember telling others that after a few days you will feel so much better but I can't seem to convince myself of that yet. I was so affraid to tell you all what I did but now that I have I feel so much better and feel so comforted that you all understand and have accepted me back. I am trying to taper but as the hot flashes start I start getting scared, I wish I could just go to sleep until the withdrawals are over but I have to face them. Thank you all for encouraging me

T

[serena]

So glad to see you counting days...I've truly, truly had you on my mind and in my heart the past couple of days. So sorry to hear about your bad day. I too have to see my mom and my aunt both addicted to hydro's and soma's and valium. It scares me for my mom because I understand that she has true medical conditions that she needs her medicine, but she takes them all at once and then runs out and hurts and goes through the emotional distress and it breaks my heart. Watching her go up and down was part of my reason to want to change. I can't help her and it hurts. She has fibrymyalgia (sp), lupus, needs back surgery for degenerative discs, polymyositis and rheumatoid arthritis along with cholesterol, heart valve problems, the list goes on and on. I have been with her to the doctor so I know her conditions are legitimate, but there has to be something else she can do because over medicate. I keep thinking one day she will overdose and it scares me to death. All we can do is make sure that WE stay off that path and support them. I keep telling my mom each day that I have added one more day hydro free...hoping that she will be inspired, but I don't see that happening. She is encouraging for me and supporting of me, but is convinced that she will die an early death and seems depressed and just isn't the same person she was even 5 years ago. My heart aches too. I have decided that I'm not going to be that same person...that is something I CAN control. I'm proud of you for NOT giving in to the temptation to take a pill in the midst of your family issues. That is an accomplishment you should also be proud of. One more day you worked hard to get through without the crutch of the drug! Yay for you!!!

Wish I knew some jokes to tell you, but they would definitely be corny! Erin, come to the rescue and make us laugh!!

Counting days...keep your head up and stay strong! You can do this!! We can do this!!

[_Erin_]

Here you go, girls! (And guys!) Serena, I can relate to watching your mom self-destruct, trying to pull her up from the depression, and not wanting to go down the same path! Hang in there, I hope and pray she doesn't just give up (my mom had that attitude for a while, too. Was just starting to live life again when she passed). Hugs to you...

Counting, this first one is especially for you! Not because I think you're old, but because you always talk about having no memory left!
-------------
Three elderly sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, shared a house together. One evening, the 96 year old sister went upstairs to take a bath. As she put her foot into the tub, she paused. Then she yelled down to the other two sisters and asked, "Was I getting in the tub or out?"
"You dern fool," said the 94 year old. "I'll come up and see." When she got half way up the stairs she paused. "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92 year old sister was sitting at the kitchen table drinking a cup of tea and thought, "I hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She shook her head and called out, "I'll be up to help you both as soon as I see who's at the door."
-------------
One for menopause...
Q: What can a husband do when his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If he's handy with tools, he can finish the basement. Then when he's finished, he'll have a place to live.
------------
One for boobs... (You're welcome, DOC )

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her right breast. It turned out to be a trick knee.
-----------

Two old guys were sitting under a tree, watching the sun go down. One says, "You know, I'm 84 years old and my body is full of aches and pains. You're about my age. How do you feel?" The other guy says, "Oh, I feel like a newborn baby."
"Really," says the first guy.
"Yep," says the second one. "No teeth, no hair and I think I just wet my pants."
-----------
Three old buddies are out for a walk.
Old guy #1 says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Old guy #2 says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Old guy #3 says, "So am I. Let's go get a milk shake."
-----------
A couple in their nineties were having trouble remembering things so they went to their doctor for checkups. The doctor told them that they were both physically fine and advised them to write things down to help them remember.
Later that evening while watching television, the husband got up from his chair to go to the kitchen for a snack. He asked his wife if she wanted anything.
"Could you bring me a bowl of ice cream?" she asked.
"Sure," he replied.
"Do you think you should write that down to remember it?" she asked.
"No, I can remember that," he said.
"I'd like some strawberries on it, too. Do you need to write that down?" she said.
"No, I can remember that, too. Ice cream with strawberries," he said, becoming a little irritated.
"I'd like some whipped cream on it, too. Can you remember all that? The doctor said you should write things down," she said.
"For goodness sakes, I can remember that. I don't need to write it down. A bowl of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream," he said, now more than a little irritated.
Off he went to the kitchen. About 20 minutes later he returned with a plate of bacon and eggs. The wife stared at it for a moment and said, "Where's my toast?"
--------------
This old guy was talking to his neighbor telling him about the new hearing aid he just got. "It cost a fortune, but it was worth it. It works perfectly."
"Really," said the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Ten thirty."
--------
An 84-year-old man went to the doctor for a physical. A few days later the doctor saw him walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. The next time the doctor saw him he asked how he was doing. "Great," said the old guy. "I did just what you told me. 'Get a hot momma and be cheerful.' "
"I didn't say that," said the doctor. "I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.' "

[freedom]

Hi everyone. Thanks for being so honest with all that you go through. I am having a hard day today and just wishing I had something to take. There are days I feel great and am so glad I am doing what I'm doing...and then a day like today hits and feels like a step back. I just feel emotional! It helps to read what you all go through and realize that we have the same or similar feelings.

[counting days]

Freedom
I am having a rough day too. I hate it when a bad day can trigger that desire. Yesterday was so bad with my mom I wanted a pill or two so bad but then I would have been just like her. I am learning to deal with daily problems without the happy pill. Like I said its all these first times I want to get through. Im already wondering how great Christmas is going to be without pills. It will be the real me. I am trying to set goals for myself for the holidays.
Erin
Bless your heart. You always come through. Do you actually type all that in a few minutes? I think you amaze me that you never complain like I do and im sure your have bad days too. You inspire me sweetheart.

[serena]

These words affected me this morning...

"Recovery is not about quitting alcohol and drugs. It is about learning to live a life that does not require mood-altering chemicals to be worth living."

I actually feel like I'm moving from abstinence into a recovery phase. And I am seeing the difference. Not that it isn't SUPER hard, but it's true that each day it gets a little better. 45 days ago, I thought I would never get here, but I did. And early on, ALL I thought about was how bad I wanted a pill. How hard this was. But now, I'm thinking about my life and what it has to offer me. I am seeing things from a new perspective, making so many positive changes and going into a new phase in my life. My world is a different place now and I plan to continue to watch it grow. I just have to continue to be careful and not get too comfortable. Just had to share that things are definitely looking brighter for me this morning and I look forward to each of us getting to a better place in our lives, together!! Thank you all so much for your support, I couldn't have gotten this far without you and I thank each and every one of you!!

[counting days]

Serena
thank you for sharing that with us. I actually got butterflies in my stomach when i read that. I think everytime I get down and have a bad day or think I cant make it without the pills I am going to read that. What you said is a BIG push forward for me. Love ya bunches my friend!!!!!!!

[freedom]

I am doing the Breaking Free study by Beth Moore right now. The whole thing is about captivity and bondage that separates Christians from our life in Christ. Her definition of captivity is "anything that hinders a christian from living the abundant and Spirit-filled life God designed for that person to have." I was thinking things like, "well I have a chronic problem...why should I be in pain,?" but the reality is I was in bondage to the hydros. If you look up narcotic addiction, I fit the criteria and that was very hard to acknowledge to myself. I HAVE to do this, but I'm looking back on how easy things were when I had a pill to take....it could make a bad day ok. I've got to stop looking back, or at least remember the terrible hold it had on me rather than the ease it provided. I feel like I'm struggling to find a groove in life that works for me. I feel tired b/c I'm not sleeping well. A lot of things just feel off right now.

[DOC]

Hello All,

T, welcome back. Relapse is a real thing. I have relapsed many times in the past as well. After the last relapse, I kept thinking why did I keep doing that? What exactly was I looking for? I, like everyone else, took the pills when the day was bad, when the situation was bad, or when I did not want to deal with something I did not want deal...
I used the pills to escape most of the time. I did not have any other coping mechanism other than taking the pills. When I quit using, I was able to detox, but the "defect in me" was still there. Its not fixed yet. The was the abstinence to me. It has been almost 90 days for me now. What I am doing different is that I am working on fixing the "defect in me". This is what the recovery is really all about, getting to the roots of things. Gradually, I stopped feeling self-pity and gradually I started seeing things differently in a more positive way. Gradually, I started acquiring more and more coping skills other than taking drugs. I still have good days and bad days. I still have many obstacles in my life, but everyday is a better day than the days when using. My wife noted my change and now says I am a great husband and dad who is now setting good example for my kids.. Its good to know that I am leaving some good marks for others and contributing something good in the society.. This is recovery. I love it, good days and bad days. Let's keep trying. There is hope.

[DOC]

Serena, I agree with what you said about recovery. It is so true.

T, let's do it again. You were with me in my early recovery and you pumped me up so much. Now I can give you my shoulders to lean on.

Freedom, the insomnia has been a problem after I quit. I did not like it. Insomnia will pass soon too for you. Hang in there.

Counting, you were with me when I was in my early recovery also. I remember you posted that you slipped on a grape and broke your knee cap and you had to take lortabs. I have read your ups and downs. You also have given me a lot of motivation to stay clean.

Erin, you are incredible and so talented. Yours words made so many people laugh.

Let's all have a great day today. At least let's try..

[serena]

Doc...it was you that taught me about abstinence vs. recovery, I never would have known the difference without your words.

Freedom...A friend of mine just did a Bible study at her church of Beth Moore. She said it was really DEEP. I'm would love to go to one of her conferences. I do believe that SERIOUSLY, the biggest issue for me has been insomnia. I'm still taking ambien, but I have been for over a year and during the first week or so of my withdrawals, nothing worked...The funny thing is, when I was still taking my hydro's my ambien had actually stopped working as well. I now know that it was because of all of the other pills I had in my body. I was up and down and I'm sure my mind was all out of whack. Now that I have the hydro's out of my system, I take an ambien and all my nightime prescriptions and vitamins and within 20 - 30 minutes I am out like a light. And I sleep sooooooo great now. New dilema somewhere down the line...I will have to stop taking a pill just to go to sleep, right? Years ago I was one of those people that could sleep for 10 - 12 hours at a time...now, I get 5 - 7 max. Maybe it's because I'm just getting old!

Counting days...you are so very welcome, I also felt like that quote was awesome and definitely worth sharing. It made it into my journal and I'm also going to go back and read it when I need some inspiration. Love you too girlie!

Erin & Counting days...So I go to my mom's yesterday and I was BLOWN away by the fact that her grass was literally up to my waist. She lives in the country and has a couple of acres, but typically keeps the area close to her house decent. Hmmmmmm not recently! The past few times I've been over it's been at night so I guess I just didn't see it because it was dark, I don't know. But today, I go over to mow for her (got my exercise too) and mow and mow and mow till the gas is gone and it's getting dark. My point...I really hate seeing her letting herself and her home and her life go downhill for pills. And she's in complete denial. I told her the other day "I'm on day 42 mom!", She said...."I'm on day 2, but it's only because I have seen your aunt so I'll have some today". OHHHHHH I don't miss those days. And she recently took back her ex husband who is an acoholic and she has such a double standard. SHE is pressing for him to go to rehab (NOT HIS OWN IDEA) but on the way home she stops at the liquor store to pick up something for him to drink. This is a daily cycle. And he watched me mow the grass today...I was like WOW....things are pretty jacked up over here all the way around. How is someone that has an addiction going to insist that someone else get help for their addiction? Sorry for venting...

T...hope your doing okay today. I am so scared of relapsing myself. I had told Doc before that sometimes my mind just tells me, you've been this long, you can take just one....just one won't hurt. Yeah right!!! I realize now that I do have pain in my back, but it's not pain that I needed to take AS MANY pills as I did. Right now I feel like someone is pinching me between my shoulders and I smell like my wonderful menthol spray and this is when I should have been able to appropriately take my pill to help me. Instead, I liked how they felt throughout the day and I just numbed myself up. I think in some ways, I even created more pain so I would feel justified to take them. Just sad where I was heading. But your here and like I said before, you were a motivation to me in many of your old posts, so I hope that you can find support is us now whe you need it!

Hope you all have a wonderful evening. I'm calling it a night. I think I just wrote a book...sorry. Take care and everyone stay strong!!!!

[counting days]

Hey Yall,
I just read all the post from yesterday that i missed. I am overcome with emotion right now. What i know for sure is that one day we will move on in our lives and not need each other anymore and that makes me so sad. Its bittersweet to think about it, if the reason is recovery not relapse. You guys have been my brothers and sisters and i will never lay eyes on any of you and dont even know your names. To me thats sad.
Doc,
I just didnt realize how long ago it feels like we started out. Its only been a few weeks for me but i do know that i was very dependent on you when i broke my knee. I felt like you were smarter than my on doctor.lol. You are a wise man and i have told many that. I really dont know what i would do right now if you stopped posting. I promise to keep the menapause talk to a minimum.
Serena
My mom is tearing my nerves up right now. I have such a heavy sadness on my heart right now because her behavior is affecting my grown children. Not only is she taking what ever she can get her hands on from her brother she left her 4th husband again and shes 66 and her life is so dramatic. We are all so tired of her being so needy and selfish. As far back as i can remember she has never been setteled. Here we go again. She dont know where shes going to live and its always all about her. My sister cut ties with her over a year ago and my kids are getting to that point but shes my mom and I feel like the Lord would not honor me cutting my mom out of my life. We have tried to help her by talking to her many times but shes always right and she has always claimed that she does no wrong. She lives like a hoarder and has never been pleased with any man. What the heck do i do with that? What I do know is a lot of my problems from my past and childhood may have something to do with my addiction. I know Doc is onto something about facing the real issues. I think the Lord may be laying this before me and saying "O.K. here it is, lets fix this in your life". Maybe i can help mom when i fix myself. Sorry for the book. This is the first time i have had to deal with an important and bad issue without pills. At least my thinking is clear this time but it is painful. Im thinking about going to my church for counceling on this. What do you guys think

[counting days]

T
I would love to hear from you. I miss you. We want to be there for you. You were there for me when I relapsed.

[_Erin_]

Good morning, everyone!

Counting - Mostly, I cut-and-paste the jokes from other websites. But I am a very fast typist... comes from years of practice. LOL And as far as complaining, I don't view what you say as complaining. I view it as venting... there's a difference to me. You say what you think and feel because you're trying to get to a better place, not just doing the "poor me" routine. And we ALL have "poor me" moments, so you're allowed, as long as you don't let it rule your life. But trust me, I do my fair share of complaining AND venting AND "poor me" moments. Just trying to minimize those, because I have an awful lot to be grateful for. Life seems to be so much better when I keep my focus on the blessings rather than what's not going right for me.

Doc - I'm really happy to be contributing something to this site! If what I have to offer is my corny sense of humor, so be it, because I have plenty of that to go around. LOL I always enjoy reading your posts, too, you are a very wise man and you're helping so many people!

Serena - (((((((((hugs)))))))) Going to your mom's and finding the grass knee-high... it's like a flashback for me. My mom also had a home out in the country (the one we grew up in), and the grass would grow up to my knees. Where the house is, it's surrounded by Amish, so she'd have them come over with their horse and thresher and thresh the grass down like it was a hayfield! This happened a few times when I was still in school, and it embarrassed the @#$% out of me. You're a sweetheart for mowing it for her! It would irritate me, too, to know that her ex is there and drinking, and not doing his duties or earning his keep, or however you want to put it. But your mom chooses to put herself in that situation, so as much as it hurts to watch, your hands are tied there. I suggest to you trying to spend time with your mom OUTSIDE of her home. Try to bring her to your environment, or take her to lunch or something, just the two of you. Maybe, if she spends less time in that house with that man, she'll start to become fed up and realize that there's still life to be lived. Just a suggestion... I spent a lot of time resenting and judging my mom for continuing to drink and not finding worth in herself, and now that it's too late, I wish I'd done things a little differently. I had NO IDEA the struggle she was going through.

Freedom - I just wanted to say hi! Haven't had the pleasure of talking to you directly yet, but I am glad you're here!!

I wanted to share a little about my past with you guys. I had a friend once that was in a car accident and messed her knee up, so she had easy access to vicodin and percocet. But she didn't like taking them, and I was young and single and bullet-proof, so she'd sell them to me. I did love how they made me feel, but I never had a problem stopping them. Then I started hanging out with this other group of friends. I'd been hyper-responsible for so long, taking care of everything at home, that I really pretty much said "f-it" to being a responsible person and went crazy when I got out on my own. I did things I am SO not proud of. I would trade my pills for morphine pills, I slept with guys without a second thought (one of which was someone else's boyfriend, and I "thought" we hid it well, but looking back it was absolutely obvious and I must have looked like such a whore), I'd act like a total idiot.

I got into this crap called "duster," basically it's the can of air you clean your keyboard with. How low is that?! Inhaling a can of air for a high??? Like I said, I thought I was invincible, I'd even drive while doing duster, sometimes with several friends in my car! On January 29, 2006 (I will never forget the date) I had my wake-up call. I was driving to my mom's house while doing this crap, in slushy/icy/snowy weather, and I drove my car into a grove of trees. I can still remember it like it just happened. I remember inhaling from the can, and then opening my eyes and thinking, "Why is the car horn going off?" The car horn wasn't going off - my ears were ringing. I looked around, my airbags had deployed, I'd broken the door window out with my head, and my car was smashed into a bunch of trees. I jumped out of the car, buried the can in the snow, scattered my pills, and started running to the road. A high school couple had seen my car and I was trying to tell them not to call the cops, but they already did. (What kind of crackhead must they have thought I was to have an accident like that and NOT want 911 called?) A state cop showed up, I told him I didn't have any recollection of what happened, I thought I hit black ice and when I woke up, my car was in the trees. He went and looked at the car, and the tracks I left through the field. I went off the road literally about 300-400 feet back, and drove THROUGH the field, into the trees. My car was propped up on half a tree. I got out of that accident with NOT EVEN A TICKET and the only injury I had was a stiff neck and a fat lip. Tell me someone wasn't looking out for me that night. WOW. It still gives me chills. How that cop didn't question my story AT ALL is still beyond me!

I stopped doing duster, pills, cut myself off from that group of friends, basically detoxed my body as well as my life as best I could. I looked duster up on the Internet the next day, and found out what it does to you. Basically, as soon as you take a hit, it completely cuts the oxygen off to your brain. You black out. You don't remember any of what you're doing in that 30-second high. Doing it ONE TIME can kill you. Doing it ONE TIME can cause severe brain damage.

I spent about a year in that lifestyle. I came out without getting arrested, hurting or killing myself, any unwanted pregnancies, STDs... there are countless blessings! I think I may have fried a couple brain cells, because my short-term memory kind of sucks, but I'm also 30 now. LOL Could be that. And now, my life is not perfect, but in a way, it is. I have the most beautiful little girl, a man that loves me and treats me well, a roof over my head, and am well provided for. I am SO grateful every single day that I made it out alive and learned from it, rather than continuing on. And addiction runs in my family, so I don't press my luck.

Kind of a funny/ironic tidbit, too - my fiance got me a puppy (Bucky) about a year after we got together. Never knew what it was like to bond with a dog, this canine is my best friend! He was born on January 29, 2009.

Anyway, to make a reeeeealllyyyy long story short (sorry about that, lol), we are all human. I did things I'm not proud of, but that's not who I am today. I allowed it to define me for a short time, but there is more to life than that. You guys may not have quite gone to the extreme that I did, but you inspire me SO much because you're rising above! Remember not to define yourself by your mistakes, but what you're doing with yourself now. You are all beautiful people, and I'm so glad I met you.