Good morning everyone and welcome back Slave!
I've been busy the past few days and haven't had a chance to post. Weekends are busy for me. I am still doing well, actually today I feel really good. Today I believe is day 20 woohoo. Had a few bad days last week and dreamed of the pills but you know what too big of a price to pay to just find out that's not the life I want. When I feel good I think wow I would of had to down several pills by now just to feel as good as I'm feeling right now and what an awesome feeling to know I'm clean and feeling this way! Don't have to count pills, worry where I will find more, have to disappoint my family if I couldn't find more, I could go on and on of the horrible things the pills did to me. For now "I am FREE".
How are you doing Counting? I bet you are feeling much better by now. Stay strong girl!
Doc, good to hear from you!
Gotta go for now but wanted to check in
You will get there, hang tough and stay on this forum. Like the others said we've all been there, one of the hardest things is just making the decision to stop using. It is definately a battle but a battle that CAN be won. I was so affraid of the withdrawals that I kept putting if off but once I did it I was soooooooo happy I did and couldn't understand why I waited so long. Yes the withdrawals are bad but they don't last long, it seems like a day is a lifetime but after a few days it's amazing how well you feel, I suppose anytime you clean poison out of your system naturally you will feel much better. I have to go for now but I will get back on this week. Been out of town for a few days so need to get a few things done around here and I finally feel like I can get a few things done!
T is back
I totally agree with you on this.
I hope you are all doing well. Counting, I think about you all the time and hope you are staying strong. I usually just post in the morning but wanted you to see this when you get up. I know it's hard, we've all been through this and you are at a point where you are probably thinking about the pills and how good you would feel....don't believe that lie, you wouldn't feel good for very long and would have to start all over again! I am sooooo proud of you to be able to get off this again after breaking your knee, that really threw a wrench into your recovery! You will be back where you were before you know it! Remember when you feel weak go and listen to the Newsboys "Stay Strong" it is a powerful song and has a powerful message. I had a great day today, I know I won't have a good day everyday but the one's I have are awesome! I love the site you gave me "PAWS" tells it like it is, It will be sooooo nice to get to the 2 year point and not have to go through the depression anymore but until then I will know it's going to come and go so will try and be prepared. You all are so helpful to me thank you for being there!
T. It was nice to see your post. I almost didn't read today. Yesterday was terrible because I was so down that my husband wouldn't leave me alone about it. I tried very hard to tell him that I was having a bad day. It just wasn't enough for him and it led to an all day really bad thing. Many terrible words passed until late last night. We have been married 7 years and have never done this. A lot of damage has been done. I woke up today feeling like life is just not worth a lot to me right now. I don't feel Gods presence in my live or anything. I just feel numb. I also feel like if that had not happened I might be having a pretty good day today. I am so happy you are where you are at. I know while all this was going on I was wondering what you would have done to put a stop to the arguments. I tried so many times to stop it but he just kept on. He even told me he thinks I am sick in the head. He don't know how right he is. I know it will continue on today because at 4 this morning he was still telling me what all I did wrong and left for work. Im sorry to tell all this. I think I know one reason I used the pills is because it makes it very easy to not argue. I would take them right now if I had them. I don't have any so I can't. I hope this post does not cause someone to be afraid to stop because it is still not worth it even when life gets tough. I just forgot how to handle bad situations. Thank you for caring my friend. I will hang in there.
Hang in there. I was feeling very depressed and worthless 4-5 days after my withdrawal. Those symptoms fortunately passed quickly for me. Now I do not feel depressed or worthless any more, but I still have the same everyday problems to deal with. The drugs used to numb my feelings but they did not make the problems go away. It is like the dishes that kept piling up and I still had to deal with it sooner or later. Small problems would snow ball into bigger problems. Now, again, I still have the same problems, but I am able to deal with those problems with my head clear without the influence of drugs.
Hang in there, even though you do not think it would get better, you will get better. This is another way the addiction demon is trying to pull us back in. You will have all of the bad and negative feelings about you and everything around you today, but you do want to pick up any medications or alcohol today. You do not want to start all over again. From this point on, the weight gets lifted slowly but surely...
I just realized something about my relapses. All of my relapses started with taking valium, xanax, ativan, or alcohol first. I think these medications depress your brain functions and also depress my inhibition. I am just wondering if anyone has had the same experience?
Doc. Thank you. I hope i dont get kicked off this forum for being so negative. I am fight depression like never before. I cant recall being this depressed. I would like to think its because of the terribe fight that is taking place right now. it is very painful. We dont fight. I dont mean physical. Im thankful he dont know about this last relapse becaus that would have been strong ammo against me. He pulls out all the guns. I just found that out yesterday. I feel completely defeated. Now i too said some pretty bad things myself. I will not give into pills. I have to learn how to be me and deal with problems. I desire to get me back. Even though I am a Christ follower i cant sit back and expect Him to do all the work. I have to put feet behind it. SO today i will tell my husband i am sorry for my part in the arguments and thats the best i can do other than try to be approachable. You are a man so you probably understand that when a wife is being unhappy, then you probably automatically get worried and sometimes defensive. Im just assuming. Thats sounds reasonable. T. Im so sorry i unloaded all that negative stuff on you. I have no one else cause this is my big secret. My husband would not tollerate me doing this again. He is already lost respect for me and he called me a pill head out of anger and i dont feel exactely secure right now. Well i did it again. Poor me. Im the only one in this world with problems. UUGGHH. Yall please forgive me. VENTING. I think i need to get out of this big lonely house. Im pulling up my boot straps and going to see if i can find another job to keep my mind occupied. Maybe that would give me a big change and stay out of this house so much. I will check back yall later my friends
sorry for the bad spelling. its hard to type and cry at same time.lol
Good morning all!
Oh Counting I'm sorry, sounds awful. Sounds like you and your husband were both having a bad day. It's hard for me to give advice on this because I don't know exactly what was triggering the argument and sounds like this isn't the norm for you two. I think going to him and apologizing for your part in it is a good first step. My husband and I are very close and he does know about my addiction so he understands when I have a bad day. I did snap at him awhile back when I wasn't feeling well but when I feel like we are not understanding each other or both of us are in a weird mood it's time to put a little space between us, I don't mean leave but each of us go do our own thing for a few hours, that way we won't say things in the heat of the moment that we really don't mean.
When you said you don't feel God's presence right now it made me think of that poem "Footprints in the sand" during those times God is carrying you through this and you just have to trust Him. You have come too far to give in now. Taking pills wouldn't make the situation better it would destroy your life, do you love your husband? do you want to stay married to him? If you answered yes than stay away from the pills, they aren't your friend they are going to destroy you if you let them. I know you can do this, stay strong! Think of something you can do for your man to make it up to him and show him how much you love him, I bet that would make a world of difference to him. We can't control what other people do only what we do and how we react.
I don't know what triggered my relapses except being too comfortable and confident in my recovery. I never drank alcohol much (just don't like it) but I have found myself drinking more now than I used to, even posted about it on the other forum to get some advice about that, don't want to trade one addiction for another.
T is back,
Isn't it funny that you and I have the same stories? I hated alcohol but I did use alcohol a few times during this recovery. I guess I was trying to some replacement or comfort. It is like some people turning to food for comfort. One thing I know about alcohol is that it depresses my inhibition and I relapsed a few times in the past because of alcohol. Two, yes, I do not need another addiction. My knowledge about addiction is that we do not use any substances or drugs at all if we want the long term sobriety. In the cognitive level, I have been telling or training myself to turn to something more positive for comfort. I do tennis and go to the gym regularly and yes I mean regularly. I do voluntary work in the community, and I start going to the church. I am not a religious person, but I am looking for obtaining some spiritual well being. The material stuff can not give me the true happiness anymore. Spirituality can! Hope these help..
Yes we seem to be similar in alot of ways, except that I'm a woman lol. Your a man right? I know I'm substituting with alcohol right now and I'm not being too careful either. Like I said I was never a drinker, others would drink around me and I'd be the one who would drive so they could drink, just didn't care for it much or it would make me sick. I know I need to workout more I just can't bring myself to yet, energy is zapped. What little energy I have I use to get what I have to get done, I was walking daily but now it's a little too hot, I know that's an excuse! I definately like to feel good but need to stop looking to substances to feel the way I like. I wonder why some of us just can't be satisfied with what we have. I to look to God and have a relationship with Him but I tend to stray alot (from my God) and that's when I get into addiction problems. I am sooo blessed to have a wonderful man in my life and I know he loves me more than I realize, I sure don't want to screw that up. When I hear the stories of these other women who have jerks in their lives it makes me realize all the more what I have and what I want to keep and helps to keep me strong! You have a wonderful day and thanks for the encouragement!
Counting, be strong today!
Meaningful Song Lyrics (for me)
I remembered this song from many years ago named "Regarding Steven" by Blue's Traveler.
According to The Daily Guru: While Popper has stated that it was directed towards a very specific time in his life, the fact of the matter is that "Regarding Steven" can be seen as a letter to any friend struggling with a deep problem, or one can even turn the song on themselves, and see the song as a cry for help or even a look back on a life that once was. Regardless of how one interprets the song, the words carry an amazing weight, and the song remains heartbreakingly potent even after repeated listenings.
Well I've guessed your name and I'm sure you know minehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TO4vkujoIUU
I'd like to discuss our mutual friend
I can't help but feel that I left him behind
Does he still stay with you or did his pain ever end
I don't deserve to know
If he ever let go
I don't really need to see
If he wound up with you or did he ever break free
When we were both young, you took us in
And taught us to play survival games
He'd lost so much that you let him win
But I had a home so it just wasn't the same
I had the strength
To look you in the eye
And say goodbye
I was lucky
And I didn't have to play
Does he still stay with you or did he get away
I used what I had and I escaped
I smelled something good and I followed its track
But all he could smell was the world that you shaped
It took all my strength and I just couldn't look back
I remember him
Calling after me
I keep that memory
The last thing he screamed out aloud
Was "Hey don't you leave me alone!"
Yeah he might live with you but he called me his home
I guessed your name and some day so will he
Cause one of these ides he's gonna break free
Cause one of these ides he's gonna break free
Cause one of these ides he's gonna break...
Hope it helps.
Good night, all. xo
Counting, Doc, and T,
Thanks so much for your replies. I read your posts over and over throughout the weekend. I completely immersed myself (almost addictively ) in recovery blogs, articles etc...and this thread. Had been decreasing my dosage since Friday (mainly because I was running out) and have not used anything today. Thankfully, Day 1 is almost over. I forced myself to go outside this evening and move around. It did help in spite of the intense heat!
Denial and rationalization sure don't give us a break even very early on do they?
Hope all of you are well this Monday evening. Take care.
Good job Amanda! You and I both know that drug and alcohol misuse and abuse are eventually deadly. It is the time we fight this addiction demon back. How much are you familiar with the withdrawal symptoms? If you can not sleep with hot and cold sweats and tremor, it is not unusual. Just come back to read the posts and please let us know how you do tomorrow. Good luck and good night.
Good morning everybody. It is crazy how I wake up and grab my phone or run to the computer to visit my buddies before I even get my coffee. I just love y'all. Wow! I read some great post and have so much in common with all. First I have to let y'all know that yesterday got better. Me and hubby made up and last night we REALLY made up.lol. I felt so much better when I got out of the house. I feel good this morning. After looking at what happened Sunday I have no doubt that I was a monster. My hubby is a great man like T has. He really spoils me a lot. He had just had enough of my bad behavior which I got could have controlled it if I had tried. Anyway you guys mentioned something about drinking. The few times that I went through w/d before the last 2, I too used alcohol and I don't even like it. My problem is I take clonazapam for seizure disorder and it makes 1 beer feel like 5 for me. I can't do that. I will say that it does somewhat help me with nervousness and shakes. I have been medicated since I was 6. Maybe that's why its easy for me to use pills. Don't know. Doc. It really makes sense what you said about what you took. Is it not the same? That will give me something to think about. Doc. Im glad you are going to church. That makes me happy because you are important to me. T. You are awesome. I too have a fantastic hubby and we are very close but for some reason I can't bring myself to tell him I screwed up again. I was wrong about his reaction last time. He was great. Im not sure he would be again. I don't want him to feel insecure. See he was married before and she became a drug addict and walked out on him and his son years ago. My stepson has not heard from her in years. I can't do this to him. I love that man so much. It is hard to understand what you have never experienced. Hey, I am almost over the worst my friends. Yaaa. Hey T. I Was out riding and listening to our song yesterday and I also listened to another one that made me feel His presence. "I will not be moved" Natalie Grant. Very powerful. I have this unrealistic idea that God is supposed to speak to me on command. He let's me know things thru music sometimes. I can't wait to hear back from you guys. I think we are all doing great. We really need each other. Doc is right about getting too confident in our recovery. We have to be very careful.
Amanda. Don't stop now. 4 days will be behind you before you know it and then 2 weeks and so on. What helps is to stay here and stay connected to this forum. I can't do this without these great friends. We become family and we all share the same thing. Trying to get out of bondage. Keep us up daily. It really helps
Dragonfly. Thank you for your encouraging words. You are hurting too and I hope you will open up to us no matter what your demon is