Incoming incoming incoming!!!!!

[Matt]

Good news is he will make it. Long long road to recovery.

Trying to read the Al-Anon big book. I still have a very very hard time with the surrender thing. I am also having a hard time dealing with the spiritual side of it. If this is part of "The Higher Power's" great plan, it's a crappy plan. I have seen a the results of a baby immersed in boiling water, many a person kill themselves, another man blow himself up just to kill an american, seen babies go hungry because mom wants to drink or get high, and so much more. Only people who have done what I have done really understand what I have seen. I have lived with an abusive mother, a drunk father and now a drunk wife. How in the hell does this type of suffering benefit anything. Last time I checked my name is not Job. If the Higher power is supposed to be all knowing, and already knows the outcome of my life (Heaven or Hell) and has my path laid out in his great plan. Then I have no freedom of choice and the higher power doesnt care or exist, or he is just a sadist. Turn things over to him? Are you nuts!!! Look at what has been done according to his/her great plan..

Sorry for the rant. I am in a serious crisis of faith. I am at the point where I left Al-Anon the last time. I dont want to leave. Yet the religious side is driving me nuts. I even have a friend that is a Priest. He is about the most level headed priest I have known, he is honest and has no reason why.

[carol]

Matt,

Glad your friend is ok.

There's a thread on Higher Power over in the water cooler area. It's a touchy subject. Some people believe and find tremendous comfort in a traditional Higher Power, others find the AA and Al-Anon emphasis on it to get in the way.

Here's one quote:

I so appreciate the response I have gotten about how others see their Higher Power. I had another talk with my sponsor about it yesterday and her take is that HP is our Higher Self rather than our ego-driven small self. When we are stuck in ego we cut off the 'flow' of life which is our connection to our higher self. I agree with this since I have experienced it!

So it is about getting out of the way, getting out of our 'self', in order to be able to let spirit in.

I have read Patrick's writings at Spiritual River about a holistic approach to recovery and I agree with him that besides prayer and meditation, exercise and being of service help us to connect to a HP.

I needed somewhere to start, and a way to clarify my thinking and I thank you all for your help.

I think it may be helpful for you to think of it this way instead of the omnipotent all-knowing supreme being. What do you think?

[Matt]

I like it. It is a place to start, Thank you.

[Matt]

Still dealing with life in general. I could have used a drink a couple days ago. We had a guy killed by a rocket and some of the shrapnel blew through my room. Luckily I was at work when it hit. The issues at home don't seem as big right now when I think I can be killed in my sleep. I have had way to many run ins with rockets and I can honestly say I dont like them. Hopefully I just have to do 6 more months and I will never have to come back here.

Yet, due to the fact I have been more concerned about preserving my butt, I have laxed in reading my book. 12 Hours shifts/ 7 days a week gets tiring and heavy thinking and retrospection just are not n the top of my list. Talking to hme is hard. I really have a hard time doing small talk, but the big issues have been hammered and hammered. I feel I need time at home to try to start reconnecting with my wife.

[carol]

Matt, glad you're ok. Most important is keeping yourself safe. Books can wait. Small talk can wait. Just let your wife know you love her and you miss her. She misses you too. She'll be OK. She may want to talk and vent about the small stuff, it's kinda like that's her little rockets which in comparison to your real ones are trivial, but that's her life right now.

Stay safe. Check in every few days and let us know how you're doing, OK.

[JandM]

Hi Matt. You're right: You have more important things to think about now with your own survival, and you shouldn't feel guilty about it. You cannot help your wife much more than what you have done, and it sounds like you have handled it well, especially from a distance. You apparently love her a lot, and even if you were close, there is not much more you can do. From what I've read on this site (and it's helped me a lot) the only thing that motivates an addict is pain, so your wife has to become miserable with the pain in her life, and be desperate for help before she will seek it. I try to imagine what you're going through each day in Afghanistan. Believe me, many in the U.S. appreciate what you and others are doing and going through, and we think about you often. As far as your comments on the Higher Power, I understand your frustration because I've been there. I agree with everything you stated except one thing: I still hold on to the thought that God cares about us. I think you're right that there is no "God's Plan", and it makes me angry to hear people use that to justify their good luck. When their loved one does not die (or heals from a disease, etc.) they credit their good fortune to God and His Plan. That could be, but we will never know for sure until this world is all over, if we know then. And if God shined on them, then why didn't God help the others who suffered and/or died when they and their relatives prayed just as hard? Or as you brought up, why does God allow inocents like babies to suffer horrificly? My understanding now (after years of philosophizing!) is that the events in this world are random, and they are caused by the actions of mankind. There may be some intercession by God, maybe miracles, but we will never know, and we cannot claim to know. I pray to God for a few truly important things, like doing the right thing in God's eyes, but especially for God to help me to handle whatever happens to me today. I don't pray for much else. I used to pray every day on my knees to protect my family from evil, and help us to be good, and help my 3 sons to make the right choices. But guess what, they have free will also. All 3 have been or are heavy into drugs. The oldest died at 21 in a drunken car wreck. The second is a heavy alcoholic/drug addict who is now in jail, and for whom one rehab has not worked. And the youngest went through alcohol, drugs, and several jails and rehabs before he decided to live a better life, thank him and thank God. No, there are no reasons like your priest friend says. If there were reasons, and if there were answers, we would not need faith in God. So keep praying, and try to see to the core of this life (which it sounds like you're experiencing). Please, take care of yourself Matt. (My first son's name was Matt, so it gives me joy just to write that!) And thanks for this website.

[carol]

Matt, I also sent you a PM. You'll see a 1 on the Notifications item just to the right of your login name.

[Tere]

God's will most often happens in spite of us, not because of us.
God is subtle, but he is not malicious. ~ Albert Einstein
I guess all I have is to trust God. Trust

[aliciad]

Hi Matt,

Hope you doing better. I can relate to how you feel about not being "job"... people are forever saying that what does not kill you will only make you stronger. I should be a superwoman by now but i'm afraid i'm not. I decided to leave the alcoholic in my life and have done the whole borders thing. But somehow he seems to be like a cockroach and always finds his way back in. Today I'm extremely mad to the extent that my blood is actually boiling... (if that's possible). I don't know why I allow him to still affect my life. I am not an overly religious person but I have been attending church on a regular basis. I find that prayer is a means of meditation and it does seem to calm me and give me some inner peace. Sometimes it helps to have faith. I'm not hear to preach to you though I've gone through all of those emotions, my dad was/is an alcoholic, got married to a guy that used marijuana, divorced him and then got involved to an alcoholic bordering on a psycho (his doctor says his bipolar) but sometimes I just thinks he uses it as an excuse. Either way he cannot offer me the stability that I crave for both me and my kids. I love routine, I like to know what's happening next. I just got so tired of all the drama. There's ALWAYS something. Its tiring. I'm all tensed up and stressed most of the time again since his managed to worm his way back into my life and for what???? I owe him nothing!!! He could not even be there when our baby was born and I've been looking after him for over a year with my family's assistance. So you are not alone. Please keep safe and I'll check to see how things are going with you from time to time.

[Matt]

I have also heard the saying "No pain, no gain". A very good friend of mine, who passed on of liver cancer, actually thought that was silly. He said, "No pain, NO PAIN". I know how you feel and I congratulate you on taking the steps to be happy in your life. BTW, my wife is also Bi-polar. Self- medication is a common pattern with them. They justify to themselves that when they use they feel better and hence are happier. Sorry to say, but the real world is still there in the morning. I just think it odd that their drug of choice is commonly a depressant.

I believe, no matter what, one will always love in some way the father/mother of our children. We always hope they will change and we give the next chance and are suprised when they haven't changed. So we get mad. Dont give him that control. When you get mad, you give him the power to affect your life. I just recently told my wife that when it comes to her and alcohol, I have absolutely no expectations of her. I think that shocked her a bit. I have become very matter-of-fact with her in respect to her drinking and not allowing her drinking to affect me like it did has had a dramatic effect on her. We are talking more, even though it is still awkward. Just remember, he will be the one to miss out on all the wonderful things being with you and the kids would have brought. Keep up with church and family.

[Matt]

Now time for my update. Luckily no more rockets since my last post, yet you always have that nagging sense that it could happen in the next 5 seconds. Please don't take this as a racist statement, but I really really hate these muslim insurgents. They just cannot realize that if they stop shooting at us we will leave sooner. But on to more important things.

Good news/Bad news. My contract was extended till October. So I get a few months more work, bad news is I wont be able to come home. The last time I hugged my wife and kids was Feb 12th. Financial stability is a good thing, but my mental stability is going quick. Everyday here in Afghanistan is a Monday and my life is in Nevada. I am using you folks more for support than my Al-Anon book. I need to start devoting a couple minutes a day to it. I have a lot to learn. My wife is still drinking, but I did not get upset when she drank on the 4th of July. I just let it go and tried not to give her that control over me. It took conscious effort, but it worked. I felt better about myself and was able to talk to her about it. Being here, I really dont know what my next step is for me. So much of the program depends on me getting home. I am working out more, more for staying in shape for hunting season than stress relief. Hey, whatever it takes right? On that note time to try calling home on Skype. TTYL

[Tere]

Matt,
I am just curious in knowing if your wife drank when you met her? Also, regarding your past of a dsyfunctional family, if you have not taken on a role of codependency? You can never get her to stop or exert control over her for her drinking. I read in one of your past posts that you took a different emotional approach to her. It seems that is what she needs is a calmer, more sensitive response from you. Maybe, just maybe if you work more on your issues of anger you may see progress in her.

[Tere]

Matt,
I just read your last post after I posted mine. Awesome, that your communication has progressed! I guess that is the first step and most important step in all of this. Be safe,
Tere

[Matt]

My wife rarely drank when we met 20+ years ago. She didnt start drinking heavytill after she had our first child 12 years ago. I have come to realize that I have absolutley no control on if she drinks or not. That was a hard one for me to grasp. I was a deputy for a long time and I always could solve the immediate problem. Learning (still learning) to let that go has been very dificult for me. I have developed very deep resentments towards her and the booze. I have done everything wrong that I could possibly do. I honestly am amazed we are still together. Anger is a huge issue with me and is a major issue between us. For her and I both. We are not violent, but we are major asses to eachother at times. I really am trying to work on my anger issues and not let what I cannot control hurt me. I do believe you are right in what you said about seeing progress if I come around. I just dont what to go back into the cycle of enabling her. I dont feel I was codependent. I just thought I could fix anything. WRONG.

[Tere]

That is what codependcy is. Trying to fix others' problems and not our own, taking care of others. Maybe deep down, she resents you trying to control, since you have stated she likes to do everything herself. But I see you making progress in understanding all my babble.

[aliciad]

Hey Matt, Its a very difficult situation that you are in and being so far away from it does not make it easier... like the saying goes... absence can make the heart grow fonder or yonder. Sometimes one forgets or at least try to forget all the bad times and you try to focus on the good... only to find out that there really were not very many good moments. Always you picking up the pieces and trying to put them back together. I know I'm sounding all negative about this but I just found myself in a situation where I just could not do it any longer. Its better to stick to the familiar than to go out there and face the unfamiliar... its very daunting and lets face it starting over sucks. No-one wants to be alone.. I find myself often missing even the drama of my relationship when that lonely feeling rears its ugly head. Then even the fights (not physical) and drama seem to be more acceptable than the "nothingness". I know that you find yourself in a more daunting situation every day and that it may seem like its a small thing but at least you know you have your wife and kids to go home to. Is that not perhaps why you are holding on (forgive me if I am out of line, I really don't know what your relationship is like and I'm not judging). I am mainly speaking from my own experiences. Perhaps and you really don't have to follow my advice you should look inside yourself and see what is good for you. Be selfish and put you first and then take it from there. I've been trying to do mostly that, putting myself and my children first and its not easy... the loneliness can overwhelm you and most of the time I find myself questioning my faith... Last night I prayed and I quote this "God if this is my destiny let me at least make peace with it".... One gets so tired of trying and it is difficult to build/re-build a relationship if there is no trust and I find that people don't seem to understand that once that trust is gone/broken it takes a really long time to get it back. It has to be earned. Its not something that happens overnight. My alcoholic seems to think that it should just happen when he says he's sorry... I cannot count how many sorry's and promises I had from him in the time we have been together. He is now very upset with me because I got a court order against him in order that he pays his child support. He kept calling and saying that he promised that he was going to do it but where did his promises get me... the sad thing is that I think that they really believe their lies themselves when they tell it to us. Its for us to judge if we want to accept it or not. He blames me for everything and when I say everything I mean everything... Anyways sorry for going on and on and on... Keep well and as usual look after yourself. Regards...

[Matt]

very weird my thread locked itself...I guess it is a good thing they dont have alcohol on American bases here. With the boredom I experience at night I would forsake any chance of exercise and go have a beer. Guess I have to find the silver lining in this cloud. No new events, aside from the rocket attacks, I am still talking with my wife. Mostly about financials. She brought up the money I spent on a hunting bow and a new gun. Said I was wasting money. I politely reminded her how much she has wasted on beer and cigarettes and we have nothing to show for it. My anger when it comes to her and booze is calming down. The real test is going to be when I get home. It is easy to have peace with onself when one is 7500 miles from home. I am scared I will give in and start enabaling her. I live 45 miles away from town and alanon is not like AA. Alanon does not have a meeting going somewhere 24/7. Thats a few months away though. I hope I can do some growing by then.

[carol]

Hi, Matt, good to hear from you. Glad you and your wife are talking and the anger level is down. Like you say, you have several months to prepare for reentry. Have you had more time to read? It sounds like things have been a bit less hairy lately.

[Matt]

I have a little. Been more dependent on this forum than the AlAnon book. I will do better.

[Matt]

Wasnt going to share today, but I need to get it out. Today was my oldest b-day. My wife ruined it. She had to drink and subsequently everyone left. She does not allow my parents to see the kids (unless strictly controlled by her). I am starting to look for work back at home, but jobs are few and far between. I would chew bubble gum off the sidewalk if it would get me home. Yes, I make very good money here. But it is not worth it. Three years away. I have seen my wife and kids for 50 days in the last three years. I am stressed, feeling I am getting a little PTSD and getting very depressed on my family and financial outlook. Thanks for listening