Day 1

[Jeff]

I've broken my rules on trying to moderate too many times, culminating in last nights beer and vodka binge.. so, I am going to try the cold turkey thing. I know I'll need help/ a support group though and hopefully this site will be a good one. I've tried AA and it makes me want to drink more for some reason.. I think I justify it by saying to myself "I'm nowhere near the level these people are at", but I probably will be one day if I keep it up. Anyway.. hello.. my name's Jeff.

[Eric]

Welcome! Read the articles on the website and the posting here. We are all here to support each other.

[Jeff]

Thanks Eric, this site has been great so far. Day 2 and feeling good/ positive. I won't drink tonight.

[Jeff]

Morning of day 3. Mornings are easy because you feel so fortunate to not be hung over and there is an energy/ clarity that is lacking when you've been drinking the night before. Looking forward to many more mornings like this.

[Ruth]

The trick is simple, but not easy. Each morning, focus on committing that you will not drink that day...NO MATTER WHAT. If you change your mind tomorrow, so be it, but for this day, no alcohol. Do what you need to do- some throw out all the booze if you think you will be tempted. I told my family of my plan, because I felt they deserved to know that I have a problem. Others keep it to themselves. Drink lots of water, eat food, do what you need to do, but don't drink that day. Also, making a plan for strong urges is a good idea. I promised myself that I would drink a glass of water, then sit down and read my journal (all the terrible things I have done while drunk!) before lifting that glass. STAY (sober today and yesterday).

[Jeff]

Thanks Ruth. The encouragement feels good, and I will implement your suggestions.

[Jeff]

Morning of day 4. Football Sunday, which for me usually includes a short-case of beer. Reminding myself of a couple of things that I took from AA meetings: I am unquestionably an alcoholic; and all attempts at moderation have failed. I can't get started down that evil road again. Instead of lounging around the empty house today watching games and avoiding temptation I think I'll drag myself to the gym. This last year has been the toughest of my life.. divorce.. child custody battle.. self inflicted loss of job and inability to find another job that doesn't depress me to tears.. etc etc.. drinking was a warm blanket in the face of all this crap but it's time to face up to it all and move on/ grow/ be a good man/ be a good parent. Trying to avoid the regret is going to be a challenge but I've got to learn to forgive myself for catastrophically bad decision making in my past.

[Ruth]

Jeff, imagine yourself as someone else who has gone through all you have in the last year and I would bet that you would see the struggling person inside- and have compassion for him. YOu are making all the right decisions *now* and the best thing you can do is to move forward. Your relentless honesty is one of your best tools in this battle.

[Eric]

Jeff, I feel for you. I have made so many bad decisions in the past couple of years - decisions that steered me away from everything I was working towards. I don't think of it too much these days, except to learn any lessons I can on how to make better decisions. Unfortunately, most of the lessons are simply don't drink so much and pay attention. I took a day off from the gym today to rest and read a book. Either way, we found something new to do that was a forward move in the direction of personal growth. Cheers!

[neil]

Hey folks,,im very similar place to you Jeff at minute,am on day 3 i think...night 3 if makes sense lol....been good reading what ur writing here as sounds similar and helpful ...i was sober for a while til sept 2009...but ive not managed a week since then though have at times controlled it...in my head at least....i dont mind aa meetings but i find at minute they can feel bit disconected...i mean i feel bit disconected if i go as very few newcomers and everyone while great has a lot of sobriety...and because i relapsed many think im grand as have been in aa before...but obv im not....anyhow so i mean its nice to hear jeff here as in same boat...so thanks mate

[Jeff]

Ruth, Eric, Neil, thank you for the words and the support. Day five and feeling good; grateful to have made it through the weekend. Cravings have not been too bad, just continuing to put 'the voices' out of my head that tell me I can moderate, I'm not really an alcoholic, etc. etc.. I know if I were to do a cost benefit analysis about drinking, the 'cost' side would be about 100 times longer than the 'benefit' side. Feeling like I'm coming out of the fog and my brain is waking up a little, which is very nice. I am admittadly very irratable around people, especially in crowded situations, but I am forgiving myself for this and just trying to be nice to people again.. I have holed myself up socially and closed myself off to people for so long.. I would love to actually make some new friends and possibly open myself up to dating again. Another thing I struggle with is not getting too far ahead of myself (telling myself: "back when I used to drink I did this or that".. etc.. ) for goodness sakes it's only been a few days! Anyway.. thanks for reading. I won't drink tonight.

[neil]

completel;y get that bit u wrote jeff "back when i used to drink i did this or that....for goodness sakes it's only been a few days".... i think i always want to run before i walk or walk before i crawl whatever that old saying is...

[Eric]

Yes, we alcoholics are either moving too fast or too slow. Of course during this period of early sobriety, the differences between our non-drinking self and drinking self are much more pronounced. I just trying to stay focused on the day and not think at all about the past. The bottom line is that I was miserable and every aspect of of life was in an increasingly downward trajectory. It has only been a little over 2 weeks, but things are looking up - but only because I am not drinking. My life isn't getting better because the change of luck I had been eternally hoping for finally came about. It is getting better because I am not drinking and I am taking massive action to improve my life.

[Jeff]

Neil, sounds like you and I are very similar indeed.. the lure of the pint is a strong one - best of luck to you..
Eric, those last two sentances in your post are powerful for me.. thank you.

[neil]

cheers ...
Hope ur feeling ok,read ur post elsewhere today Jeff...know the feeling all too well,but we will get there....wherever There is lol...but u get what i mean im sure.

[Jeff]

lol.. yes Neil we will.. and thank you. I'm having a hard time fighting off the 'fuck-its' right now but I think a trip to the gym will help. It's hard to look at oneself in the mirror after breaking promises to oneself.

[kiwi]

Hi Guys,

I like this conversation. Its cool to hear other people so positive so early in their recovery. I try to run before I can walk too, and start planning all these amazing things I am going to do now that I am a new person .. um .. lets just try to take it one day at a time and be grateful at the end of the day when we haven't drunk, or each day we make it outside for a walk or to the gym.

Jeff what day are you up to now?

I get the "fuck-its" all the time, but have decided that if that happens to me this time, I will come onto this site and read and ask for help, ask for someone to tell me why I shouldn't just "fuck it". I don't want to fuck it up again.

[Eric]

I can get into the "fuck-its" too. This normally happens when I am living passively and simply reacting to things outside of me. If I give in, then it also means I am not in control of my life. I just keep trying to live actively, take massive action to enrich my life, and maintain patience in working toward my goals. I am starting week 4 today and feel good.

[neil]

Fuck it is right so know that feeling,but each time it happened i somehow could persuade myself it wasnt a negative but a good thing,like i was realising things could be good...like why fucking bother with recovery when i could go and have few pints etc...mad really.....euphoric recall as its named i believe...seems to be a huge problem of mine, i think its self delusion actually....so many major rock bottoms,and u know almost every time ive gone boozing in last few months it has began ok but each event has ended in lucky escapes,bad scrapes,rows,and always always blackouts....

[Eric]

The trouble for me is that so many of the drinking times were good, consequences were few or none, and my body could recover quickly - usually by noon. In the end, the drinking times still often seemed fun - more or less - although, pub talk really doesn't progress much over the years. The consequences were definitely becoming much more serious and it could take 3 days to fully recover from a serious drinking bout. That's the part I need to remember. If I went back to drinking there would still be fun times, but the depression, guilt, and desperation would soon start piling up. The challenges to remaining functional would grow greater. I would soon be right back to a new bottom. Decades of drinking have taught me this. Still, there is that voice calling me back for just one more.