Hello all, this is the first time I've told my story. I have been reading on here for a couple weeks and haven't gotten the courage to really quit and post. I thought I would tell my story to help with my own recovery. I apologize ahead of time for the length, but I would really appreciate any help or encouragement. I know we are all in this together and many of us have very similar stories that can be related to.
I suppose it all started when I had my first drink at age 19; before then, alcohol was always viewed as the devil to those under 21 (according to my family) and it was until college that I decided to try it. I loved it from the beginning. I had so much fun with my college friends (I was also part of a college athletics team), however, from them I certainly did not learn how to drink responsibly. It was an atmosphere of drink as much as you can as fast as you can until you either throw up or pass out. To me, that became normal. To this day I wish my parents had taught me how to sip a drink with dinner, and really enjoy it correctly.
Well, because I was on a team and in college the stress got the best of me. I suppose I handled alcohol fairly well (only on the weekends) until my Junior year. It was then that I always wanted a drink. Then my 21st birthday came along and I got drunk for 2 days straight. Only time I have ever woken up and kept on drinking. This led to a severe bought of depression and my friend, worried for my safety, called public safety on me. I was then sent to the hospital who then sent me to a behavioral institute. It sadly seemed like no one cared about me and just sent me to someone else to deal with me. My parents forced me to drop out of college and come home.
After this I did stop drinking. But then I had an awful situation running off with a boy and when he left me, I turned the bottle. I drank everyday for a straight week until my parents caught me and forced me to stop. I couldn't leave the house without their supervision, I wasn't allowed to be in my room alone. This actually worked. Yes, maybe I was incredibly unhappy being a shut in, but this led to 6 months of sobriety. During that time, I got a job, made some friends, and got a healthy relationship. Because of all the happiness in my life, I thought it would be okay to drink again. That my prior instances were just a fluke, it was just a phase.
Things started out okay. I only drank when I went out with friends (which was rare), however I obviously didn't know when to stop. I was still a one drink leads to twelve drinks kind of girl. Either way, I thought I was fine because I was thoroughly functional. I even got into good enough shape to run a few races.
Then I met my current boyfriend, and started school again. Everything changed over the course of a year. Those few nights out a month turned to few nights out a week including a night in of drinking. And I'm sure everyone knows how drinking one night a week turns to two nights a week and all of a sudden you're drinking every other night or every night.
I must say I am a HIGHLY functional alcoholic. I go to school full time, work part time and somehow still find time to get everything done. I don't usually ever drink every night or even two nights in a row but this past week I drank every day. I grab a glass of wine to help with homework, but a glass of wine turns into a bottle of wine and when that's gone I turn to beer.
BUT, I'm not happy. I'm miserable in fact. School is killing me so I turn to a drink for comfort and support. The anxiety of it is taking over. Living with my boyfriend now (which should be the happiest times of my life), I can drink whenever I want.But it has to stop. I'm an angry drunk and I seem to take it out on the people I care about most. I'm only 22, turning 23 in 6 days. It's so sad to me to think that I have to give up something that used to cause so much fun and joy in my life. But my boyfriend is upset because of it. I can't tell you how many times he's begged me to quit, occasionally crying because he wants his "old girlfriend" back.
I have so many reasons to quit. I have hurt the one person that loves me more than anything. I have developed gastritis (stomach lining is inflamed) from alcohol use, stress and too much ibuprofin. I have even lost my ID (which may be a sign from God). I have gained weight. I'm not longer in shape (when I used to be a star swimmer).
I wish, more than anything, that I could be an "enjoy responsibly" kind of person. Only drink on the weekends and only have 1-2 drinks. I feel like I'm so young to give up on this lifestyle. But I don't know if that is possible. I'm so sick of waking up with guilt. I'm sick of hurting everyone around me. I'm sick of hurting myself.
Thank you so much for reading.
Hi Mes1119! It is amazing that you are able to recognize this negative pattern at such a young age and reach out for help. This site is a great resource for anyone who is concerned about their drinking. If you read back posts and Patrick's articles (on the home page) you will see that most of us (if not all of us) are not able to moderate our drinking and have realized that that is the way it is, and we choose not to drink. YOu are not too young to give up this lifestyle, you are just that much smarter than those of us who waited until later! Read up on the main thread (how to stop drinking) and join us there!