One thing I just remembered, it may only take a few days to detox, but it takes a LONG TIME to retrain our bodies not to crave the alcohol. It was accustomed to you feeding it booze everyday and expects it, but just realizing that is happening consciously is often enough to quiet the craving.
"Life is 10 percent what you make it, and 90 percent how you take it. "
-- Irving Berlin
Call it synchronicity or coincidence, but I got these two articles in my email today. Just to be clear, these are not intended to upset or offend anyone, nor are they directed to anyone other than myself.
June 19, 2012
Beyond Reacting
Remembering to Pause
by Madisyn Taylor
Remembering to pause and take a breath before we react can shift the energy of the outcome.
We have all had the experience of reacting in a way that was less than ideal upon hearing bad news, or being unfairly criticized, or being told something we did not want to hear. This makes sense because when our emotions are triggered, they tend to take center stage, inhibiting our ability to pause before we speak. We may feel compelled to release the tension by expressing ourselves in some way, whether it’s yelling back at the person yelling at us, or rushing to deliver words of comfort to a friend in trouble. However, there is much to be said for teaching ourselves to remember to pause and take a deep breath before we respond to the shocks and insults that can come our way in life.
For one thing, our initial response is not always what’s best for us, or for the other people involved. Reacting to childish rage with childish rage will only escalate the negativity in a situation, further ensnaring us in an undesirable dynamic. Similarly, when we react defensively, or simply thoughtlessly, we often end up feeling regret over our words or actions. In the end, we save ourselves a lot of pain when we take a deep breath and really tune in to ourselves, and the other person, before we respond. This doesn’t necessarily mean we don’t say anything, although in some cases, that may be the best option.
Some situations require a fairly immediate response, but even just a moment of grounding ourselves before we do so can help enormously. The next time you find yourself wanting to react, try to pause, and in that pause, take a deep breath. Feel your feet on the floor, the air on your skin, and listen for a response to arise within you, rather than just going with the first thing that pops into your head. You may find that in that moment, there is the potential to move beyond reaction and into the more subtle and creative realm of response, where something new can happen
For more information visit dailyom.com
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Here is the second one from the Positivity Blog:
"Do what you feel in your heart to be right - for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't."
Eleanor Roosevelt
"Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain and most fools do."
Benjamin Franklin
Hi!
What do you fear in your everyday life? One common answer would probably be to be criticized. To stand there and hear those words streaming out of someone's mouth and feel stupid or feel rejected or like you are getting smaller and smaller.
I get quite a bit of feedback from my readers. Most of it is positive and supportive. But there are also sometimes criticism or harsh and nasty attacks. That part isn't always so fun and can be hurtful. But it is a part of life if you want to live your life your way.
That being said, I have a few steps that I usually run through when I get an email that is critical or is attacking me. This isn't some magical protection from being hurt or feeling pain but it helps me to better handle criticism and sometimes to get something good out of it.
These steps work pretty well in real life too.
1. Don't reply right away.
It is very easy to become riled up, angry or defensive when you receive some criticism. This is not a good position to be in to fire away a reply if you don't want to wind up making the situation worse.
Plus, I really work on keeping my self-esteem high. And to lash back at them or to not be the better person here can really hurt your self-esteem. It might feel good for a while to do so but it is a dirty high that comes with a hangover of feeling worse about yourself and subtle or not so subtle self-destructiveness.
So this is about my own well-being to a high degree. And so I never reply back right away. Instead I look closer at the email. If you receive criticism in real life try to at least take a couple of deep breaths to cool down just a bit and to feel more balanced before you reply.
2. Really listen to the criticism
Instead of attacking the other person for his or her words and building a hostile atmosphere try to calm it down. Try to remain level-headed, open and figure out how this message can help you.
Ask yourself questions like:
Can I learn something from this piece of criticism? Maybe there is something here that I do not want to hear but that could help me to improve?
3. Remember: the criticism isn't always about you.
Some criticism is certainly helpful. Some isn't that helpful or just simply attacks. What can I do then?
Well, then I remember that criticism isn't always about me. It would be nice if all criticism one gets comes from level-headed place. But in reality people will have a bad day or week. Some will hate some part of their life. Some might not be all that well at this moment.
So they lash out at you to release pent up negative emotions. On your blog or maybe in school or at work. It's not fun. But it happens.
To lessen the sting of this criticism or these attacks I try to be understanding. I think that based on the message I got - often really angry or overly critical about some pretty minor thing - this person isn't feeling too good right now and is overreacting or need to release some pent up emotions.
By being understanding of this it becomes easier to just let such messages go instead of feeling bad or becoming angry too.
4. Reply or let go.
If you reply then try one or a few follow up questions if you think that could help you. And even when someone blurts out something not too constructive like "Your work/blog/product isn't very good" you might want to ask a few open-ended questions to get more constructive information.
Questions like:
What part of it did you not like or did you not find helpful?
How can I improve it?
When I reply to a critical email I try to keep my attitude positive and kind no matter what they have written.
I thank him or her for what he or she wrote. I may add a question or two to get more clarification.
Sometimes I get back a much more level-headed reply where they actually help me to improve what I am doing and although I may still feel a bit hurt it also feels good to be the better person in this situation and to create a constructive conversation.
If they won't answer your questions then they are probably just lashing out. And so it is time to let go.
I really don't reply to all emails though. Nasty attacks are for example most often just put in the junk mail folder. I have more interesting things to focus on.
5. Keep your daily balance.
This isn't a step to handle one specific email, phone call or critical message. But I have found that it becomes a whole lot easier to handle criticism if you stay balanced in your daily life. Those messages seem to not be as hurtful, they don't affect me as much or sometimes just roll off my back like water on a duck when I:
-Work in a relaxed way. Extra stress makes you more susceptible to the negative messages and to overreacting to criticism.
-Manage the 3 fundamentals. That means to eat properly, to get enough sleep and to work out a couple of times a week. Keeping the balance of your physical fundamentals make you mentally stronger too.
-Keep the self-esteem up. Criticism can send you down a spiral of self-loathing and feeling lousy about yourself. Keeping the stress down and the energy-giving fundamentals up can help you to not wind up in such dark places.
Keeping your own self-esteem up is also vital. A couple of basic things that help me to do so is to behave in way where I do the right thing (like being the better person when replying to a critical email) as best I can, to appreciate myself, my good traits and accomplishments and to forgive myself instead of beating myself up about stuff or holding myself to impossible standards.
I hope this email will help you to handle criticism and not let the fear of it hold you back in life,
Henrik
"Life is 10 percent what you make it, and 90 percent how you take it. "
-- Irving Berlin
Great advice for everyday life, I try (as hard as it maybe) to pause before reacting and although it is simple advice it is also priceless advice
You are a good man and the site is blessed to have you !
Ending the Cycle
Start Today
by Madisyn Taylor
Each day offers us an opportunity to renew our resolve to the universe that we are ready for change.
One of the hardest things in life is feeling stuck in a situation that we don’t like and want to change. We may have exhausted ourselves trying to figure out how to make change, and we may even have given up. However, each day offers us an opportunity to renew our resolve and to declare to the universe that we are ready for change. We may even say out loud that we have tried and struggled and have not found a way, but that we are open to help, and that we intend to keep working to create change for ourselves. Making this declaration to the universe, and to ourselves, may be just the remedy for the stagnation we are experiencing. And, it can be done today, right now.
It is difficult to understand, even with hindsight, how the choices we have made have added up to our current situation, but it is a good idea to examine the story we tell ourselves. If we tend to regard ourselves as having failed, this will block our ability to allow ourselves to succeed. We have the power to change the story we tell ourselves by acknowledging that in the past, we did our best, and we exhibited many positive qualities, and had many fine moments on our path to the present moment. We can also recognize that we have learned from our experiences, and that this will help us with our current choices.
When we do this kind of work on how we view our past self, we make it possible for the future to be based on a positive self-assessment. This inner shift may allow us to get out of the cycle we’ve been in that’s been keeping us stuck. Now we can declare our intentions to the universe, knowing that we have done the inner work necessary to allow our lives to change. Allow today to be the day to end cycles and enter into a new way of being
"Life is 10 percent what you make it, and 90 percent how you take it. "
-- Irving Berlin
I came up with an idea that I'm calling "Seven Weeks To Sobriety." Here's the idea; over seven weeks, you will cut out days that you drink, eliminating one per week until on week seven you completely quit. I would recommend starting on Sunday, but pick what ever day works for you. So Sunday, don't drink; just work on yourself, reading, posting, nursing your hangover, anything but drinking. Monday you resume your "regular" routine of drinking through Saturday. Week two you add Monday to Sunday, so you are sober two days in a row then resume drinking on Tuesday through Saturday. Add a day each subsequent week until week seven when you have reached your goal of sobriety. In a graph, it looks like this:
________SUN_MON_TUE_WED_THUR_FRI_SAT
Week 1 ---X
Week 2 ---X--- X
Week 3 ---X--- X--- X
Week 4 ---X--- X--- X--- X
Week 5 ---X--- X--- X--- X---- X
Week 6 ---X--- X--- X--- X---- X--- X
Week 7 ---X--- X--- X--- X---- X--- X--- X-------- Victory!
"X" stands for a day that you do not drink.
This is for anyone that feels like quitting cold turkey is too scary or impossible. Anyone can quit for one day, and you have a whole week to drink as you "normally" do. Then the following week, you get to add one more day to your sobriety and so on. There is of course some work required, such as keeping a journal on your progress, making lists of reasons to quit, lists of all the things you will do with the new free time you will have and all the money you will save, learning all you can about addiction, and what ever other things you all would add to the lists of things to do to get and stay sober. I can add exercising, joining a club, going to AA meetings, joining a church, volunteering, or getting a part time job.
I think this would have worked for me and I think it has potential to help other people that just can't imagine how to even get started, especially going cold turkey. Good luck on your own journey.
"Life is 10 percent what you make it, and 90 percent how you take it. "
-- Irving Berlin
Dealing with Disappointment
A Bridge to Acceptance
by Madisyn Taylor
The gift of disappointment is to bring us into reality so we don’t get stuck in the realm of how things might have been.
Whenever we do something in life with an expectation of how we’d like it to turn out, we risk experiencing disappointment. When things don’t go the way we had envisioned, we may feel a range of emotions from slightly let down to depressed or even angry. We might direct our feelings inward toward ourselves, or outward toward other people or the universe in general. Whether we feel disappointed by ourselves, a friend, or life in general, disappointment is always a tough feeling to experience. Still, it is a natural part of life, and there are many ways of dealing with it when we find ourselves in its presence.
As with any feeling, disappointment has come to us for a reason, and we don’t need to fear acknowledging it or feeling it. The more we are able to accept how we are feeling and process it, the sooner we will move into new emotional territory. As we sit down to allow ourselves to feel our disappointment, we might want to write about the experience of being disappointed—the situation that preceded it, what we were hoping would happen, and what did happen. The gift of disappointment is its ability to bring us into alignment with reality so that we don’t get stuck for too long in the realm of how things might have been.
As we consider other disappointments in our life and how we have moved past them, we may even see that in some cases what happened was actually better in the long run than what we had wanted to happen. Disappointment often leaves us feeling deflated with its message that things don’t always turn out the way we want. The beauty of disappointment, though, is that it provides us a bridge to its other side where the
"Life is 10 percent what you make it, and 90 percent how you take it. "
-- Irving Berlin
Ken, Thank you for posting this. Very timely for me.
I thought this article from Daily OM was helpful in defining what surrender actually is and how it can help us.
The Secret Of Surrender
Seeing The Illusion
by Madisyn Taylor
Surrender should be seen as a great strength and comes when we let go of trying to attain the impossible.
Most of us were raised and live in a culture that emphasizes the ideals of independence and control. The general idea is that we are on our own and we don’t need any help from anyone else, and if we are really successful it’s because we are in complete control. However, true lasting success comes only with surrender, which is the opposite of control. We cannot accomplish anything truly great on our own, without any help, and the idea that we can is an illusion that causes most of us a great deal of suffering. Surrender comes when we see that illusion and let go of trying to attain the impossible. Surrender can then be seen as a great strength rather than a weakness.
Even small moments of surrender are powerful indicators of how different our lives could be if we would only let go. We’ve all had the experience of extending huge amounts of effort and energy to reach a particular goal only to realize that we can’t make it happen after all. At the moment of letting go, realizing that we need to ask for help or simply release our agenda entirely, a profound feeling of relief may rush over us. This warm, open sensation is the essence of surrender, and if we didn’t feel that we didn’t really let go. But it is never too late to let go, even of things in the past that didn’t work out the way we wanted them to, because surrender is always an option in every moment of our lives.
When we finally do surrender, our goals actually become possible, because the act of surrender is, in essence, asking for the help we need. This help may come in the form of other human beings or unseen helpers such as angels or inner guides. It may also come in the form of shifting circumstances, the small miracles that we call grace
"Life is 10 percent what you make it, and 90 percent how you take it. "
-- Irving Berlin
Here I am. Back for support on this journey......
miim, welcome back, how's it going? Let us know what you need in the form of support and we will be here for you. Are you making another attempt or have you been sober since your last post? Just trying to start a conversation, anyway let us know what's been going on in your world.
"Life is 10 percent what you make it, and 90 percent how you take it. "
-- Irving Berlin
It's been ups and downs to say the least and I am on day 4 but struggling with the cold turkey method........should I give the Seven Weeks to sobriety a go or am I making excuses? Who knows. Not a good night. I may not win this one.
It gets better, Miim. There is a lot of physical and emotional stuff to go through in the beginning. Keep posting. Use whatever other tools / support you have now or that you pick up as you go. Good luck to you.
One Day at a Time
Stepping Stones
by Madisyn Taylor
Taking one step at a time makes life much easier to navigate rather than always looking at the big picture.
The years of our life do not arrive all at once; they greet us day by day. With the descent of each setting sun, we are able to rest our heads and let the world take care of itself for a while. We may rest assured throughout the night, knowing that the dawn will bring with it a chance to meet our lives anew, donning fresh perspectives and dream-inspired hopes. The hours that follow, before we return to sleep once more, are for us to decide how we want to live and learn, laugh and grow. Our lives are sweeter and more manageable because we must experience them this way: one day at a time.
Imagine the future stretching out before you and try to notice if you feel any tension or overwhelm at the prospect of the journey still to come. Perhaps you have recently made a lifestyle change, like beginning a new diet or quitting smoking, and the idea of continuing this healthy new behavior for years seems daunting. Maybe you have started a new job or are newly married and can feel an undercurrent of anxiety about your ability to succeed. If you can shift your focus from what may happen years down the line and return it to the day that is before you right now, you may find a measure of calm and renewed confidence in your capabilities. You may also discover an inner faith that the future will take care of itself.
The way we show up for our lives today and tomorrow has an enormous affect on who we will be and what we will be experiencing years from now. If we can remain fully engaged in the day at hand, enjoying all it has to offer and putting our energy into making the most of it, we will find that we are perfectly ready and capable to handle any future when it arrives.
"Life is 10 percent what you make it, and 90 percent how you take it. "
-- Irving Berlin
I found this on a blog recently....... I saw it and thought of how I "faked" being an alcoholic because I was functioning so no one could tell......We are not alone folks.
i called myself*a high-functioning alcoholic when i quit drinking and joked about being one for years before i got sober.
definition of a high-functioning alcoholic:
A high-functioning alcoholic (HFA) is an alcoholic who is able to maintain his or her outside life, such as a job, home, family and friendships, all while drinking alcoholically. HFAs have the same disease as the stereotypical "skid row" alcoholic, but it manifests or progresses differently. Many HFAs are not viewed by society as being alcoholic, because they have succeeded and overachieved throughout their lifetimes. These achievements often lead to an increase in personal denial as well as denial from colleagues and loved ones. HFAs are less apt to feel that they need treatment for their alcoholism and often slide through the cracks of the healthcare system, both medically and psychologically, because they are often not diagnosed.
HFAs can exhibit different drinking patterns and warning signs at various phases of their drinking. Common warning signs include, but are not limited to:
- Experiencing a craving for more alcohol after having one drink, leading to a loss of control over alcohol intake:
don't think i ever had an off-switch. crossed the line from euphoric buzz to*messy drunk or passing out*throughout my entire drinking career
- Obsessing about alcohol and the next time they can drink:
the mental obsession was there long before i recognized it. i deserved that glass of wine at 5 o clock, dammit, and i wasn't typically drinking that glass or the second or third alone.
- Not being able to imagine their lives without alcohol:
this kept me drinking for a long time and i felt this way for many months of early sobriety
- Feeling shame and remorse from drunken behavior:
flashes of drunken behavior and pieces of drunken conversations would hang over me for many hours or days after a "bad" night out
- Having failed attempts to control drinking:
dipped toe into AA three and a half years before getting sober; was only a daily or almost daily wine drinker for 9 months before quitting; a pregnancy and nursing baby while controlling drinking
- Surrounding themselves with others who drink heavily:
no question here. partiers are more fun, more intelligent and more interesting; boredom and boring people were*legitimate reasons to drink; i wasn't usually drinking alone...maybe the "glass or two" while cooking supper for family or the "getting ready" glass or two before going out or the "nightcap" after being out were consumed alone
- Compulsively finishing alcoholic drinks—even someone else's:
who the hell leaves a little wine in the bottom of their glass? they are the ones with the "problem"
- Being skilled at living a compartmentalized life in terms of separating their drinking lives from their professional/family lives:
absolutely
- Making excuses for their drinking or using alcohol as a reward for their hard work:
motherhood and especially the second baby was the gasoline that ignited the alcoholic fire; i deserved that drink or drinks at the end of the day for staying home with my babies; it was part of my identity and what separated me from the tedious parts of mothering; no matter that i didn't have my kids till i was nearly 35 and 38 and chose to give up my career and stay home with them, i still deserved a reward at the end of the day for doing what i chose to do
- Thinking that drinking expensive alcohol or wine implies they are not alcoholic
box vino: no way; a nice malbec in the fall and a crisp pinot gris in summer
- Hiding alcohol consumption by sneaking alcohol before a social event or drinking alone:
like to say i never "lied" about my drinking. that "getting ready" glass was in the open or in the roadie cup on the way to an event so i wasn't hiding it
- Drinking despite adverse consequences (either emotional or physical):
oh, let's see. being hungover almost everyday for the months leading up to getting sober; the wretched hangovers i endured at least a few days a week since college; the blurry fights with boyfriends or husband. he says, "did you mean what you said last nite?" me: "which part?" then justify and rationalize half of what i remembered
- Experiencing blackouts or memory lapses:
oh, hell yes. but the beauty of these are that i didn't remember and nothing really horrible happened, right?
Hello to all, yes another day one in a long trail of day ones. I have been all over the board this past year and progressivly getting worse. I now have trouble moving from pondering the idea to getting into action. Years ago I could always get jump started. Now at 56, it is harder than I thought. It is my thinking that gets me the most, I am fully aware than my drinking is killing me but I have continued to do it for year after year. I went to school to become a drug and alcohol counselor after retiring from the navy, when that didn't do the trick, I went to graduate school to become a social worker. I opened a sober living house, Oxford model) but could not or did not keep myself in check. So with all of this over priced education, I just came off of a seven or maybe eight day binge. I keep wanting to believe that tomorrow, tomorrow, everything will become clear. That is not the case. I keep telling myself that I will return to AA, tomorrow, but after 30 years of in and out, not so sure but afraid to cut ties all together. I preach that recovery needs to be holistic but I am a p... poor example to be followed. I need to get this right but I wonder if I want to get it right, you know the need to verses the want to. I spend way too much time debating this, I think it is my special formula for denial. Anyway thans for letting me vent.
Rexsander, with your background I am hardly qualified to give you advice, but I do want to offer my support. I think that you taking the time to post shows that you have the desire to quit but just can't take that step. It is scary in the beginning to think that you are never going to have another drink, I think that's the reason for AA's one day at a time approach. So many people here take our 30 day challenge and find success. AA worked for me and I believe any program will work if you commit to it. Please continue to post here in the forum in any thread you like; you will meet lots of people going through the same thing and receive tons of support. Having a group of people fighting the same battle you are has helped so many of us here and I know it will work for you too. I certainly felt and still feel a sense of accountability to the people here and the help this forum has provided me.
Another thing that worked for me was picking a quit date. I picked a date and decided that I would drink as I regularly did up until that day and at that point I would go to an AA meeting and commit to sobriety. Go to the main site and read Patrick's posts (the man that founded this site and more) that speak to you. Read through this thread and the "How to stop drinking thread." Your life will be different when you quit but not in the way you fear, you will experience a freedom that is completely worth the risk. All the things I thought were great about alcohol were all BS. It is the event itself that is fun, such as a concert, the alcohol was just there getting in the way. That promise your AV (alcoholic voice) tells you that everything will be great after you get to the bottom of that next cold one is lying to you. Please go here: https://rational.org/index.php?id=1 and click on the blue button titled "Crash Course on AVRT". It really helped me and it defines the whole concept of the Alcoholic Voice in your head and "It". I look forward to hearing about your journey and wish you all the best.
"Life is 10 percent what you make it, and 90 percent how you take it. "
-- Irving Berlin
Oh how many times I have tried this. Here I am again, but with a fire under my ass and in my belly. If nothing changes, nothing changes right? Time for change
Miim, here again
Welcome back....
You can do this...just keep tat fire going.
I'm actually starting the 7 week plan. Cutting out 1 day each week that I drink. Cold turkey hasn't seemed to work.
Can anyone tell me once you do stop how long it takes for the sleep patterns to normalize again and the severe cravings to subside?
Thanks
Thank you for this article. That’s all I can say. You most definitely have made this blog into something special. You clearly know what you are doing, you’ve covered so many bases.Thanks!
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