dont know what to do anymore...
Hello everyone my name is Larry.
ok heres my story. ive been takin hydros for a while now but been addicted for about 3 years. i have no doubts that i am addicted. i make excuses to myself and the people who know of my addiction. i started by taking 1 or 2 10mg/500 a day and worked my way up to 4 a day after a while. on top of this i have extreme anxiety disorder and tend to have panic attacks often. i seem normal to everyone around me but inside im overcome with emotions. ive quit jobs and pretty much locked myself in my room for months at a time.
back to my addiction.
when i finally got to 4 a day i thought wow im killing myself. i had an extreme panic attack to after i had took 4 a day every single day without missing a day for a few months. i thought surely my liver was dead and i was going to die. anyone with anxiety disorder understands what i mean by mentally finding things wrong with yourself to think about. i finally went to see my Dr and told him of my addiction. he put me on zoloft told me to quit cold turkey. all my liver enzyme tests come back ok and he reassured me i was fine and i just needed to quit. while waiting to pay for my visit i was already texting contacts to get more hydros.
sufice to say i was addicted still. eventually i worked my way up to 8/500's a day. i do not have a script and i buy mine off the street. i get them for cheep but it still eats up close to have of my weekly wages. eventually the anxiety caused by knowing i was hurting myself and thinking i had took to many caused me to have a semi nervous breakdown and i had to take a leave from work. even twice i called poison control late at night in the middle of a panic attack and told them the dosage i took just to reassure myself i wasnt dyingg.
with no job an no source of income i had to quit. the first 3 days were the worst 3 days of my life. i stayed locked up in a room. i couldnt sleep. i hurt all over and had muscle spasms and constant diaherria. finally after about 10 days i started feeling better. after almost a month i decided i was free of it and was back at work.
with a little money in my pocket i thought to myself i could buy a few and have them just if i had a ache etc. i took one now and then and i felt that good ol high again but resisted the urge to jump back in head first because of my fear of desending into my anxiety. then i wake up one morning and my knee is killing me. it got progressivly worse over a three day period and i couldnt bend it. it was a constant burning pain. i took off work a few days and got some hyrdos and took 2 10mg/500's ever 4-6 hours to try and sleep. so thats like at least 6 a day. well i did that a few days and finally the pain went away...but the addiction was back to stay.
fast forward about 4 months and here i am. addicted to hydros again. i've worked my way up to the 6-8 10mg/500s a day every single day. i keep a stockpile so i never have to worry about running out. my anxiety is back worse than ever and ive been missing work. i really dont know what to do anymore. i dont feel anythng from them anymore but i have to take them cuz out of fear of the feeling of those first 4 days last time. i know im slowly killing myself but i just cant stop. im single and withdrawn now and feel like my only love in the world is hydrocodone.
like i said i take 6-8 10mg/500 every single day without missing. has anyone else been here or am i like taking more than anyone else ever? i would really like to get some imput and advice from someone who has been where i am and got through it.
just looking for a little hope...
I am glad you found this forum. I don't know anything about hydros, but recommend that you post on the main hydro thread, too. Sometimes folks don't notice the new threads as quickly.. There are some great folks posting on that thread.