Foundintheditch-I have those reoccurring dreams alot. I'm enjoying some wine and the next thing you know I wake up and it seems so real and I'm ticked off thinking I ruined everything I'm working so hard for. Then realize it's just a dream!
Last edited by Christy; 08-17-2011 at 09:06 PM.
I read somewhere, or maybe heard it at an AA meeting, that when we started drinking "that is when we stopped developing". I think that what they were saying was that alot of us are still little kids, we never grew up. So your comments about finding yourself, at least to me, are so right on the money. Our minds have been retarded by our drinking and we never really reached adulthood, from a mental sense that is, or at least not fully. So aside from quitting we have to work on our brains and how we handle life - which can be very hard at times, especially when we think like kids.
Congrats on 200 days - I look at my measly 60+ and think who am I to talk, but I also remember that it has been a long time since I have had that many sober days in a row. You give me inspiration - all of you do!! Thank you!
Sooo ... I am in my 3rd month of sobriety and am finding my emotions are starting to really get intense - WTF!!
A few days back I got all teary eyed, over nothing really, and for the first time since quitting seriously contemplated crawling back into that bottle - just for a day - I wanted to get comfortably numb and forget life and all its travails...but I didn't :]
Unfortunately now I have this little seed planted in the back of my mind that keeps gnawing at me saying 1 day off won't kill you....you've been so good!
Any suggestions on how to dig that up and remove it permanently?
I am giving myself pep talks and avoiding thinking about it, but I know it is there just waiting. I keep telling myself that I am a non-drinker now - not an option - it will just lead me back into that abyss of a hell hole I was in, blah, blah, blah...
But I can feel the door is cracked open just a little, and this month is a stressful one as I am trying to finish up things, work begins soon, lot's to do....
Anyway - all advice welcome - because I am enjoying my sobriety - and I am enjoying the number of days in a row that I have...
Hi all! I hope everyone had a great sober week end. I appreciate all the sharing and comments and look forward to when there is a new post! Kind of like new mail!!
Sally you and I are on the same calendar or moon cycle or something. I have had intense thoughts off and on the past week or 10 days maybe. I have not had it like that since I first got sober so it surprised me and scared me and...just annoyed me. This is what I recall Patrick said about the one day off...That sometimes people take one day off thinking they will be back but then they never come back. Ya know they can never get sober again. It seems innocent enough on one level...just one day off..but it may never happen again for us. I have that thought in my mind and I dont want to go through that withdrawal cycle again either. That was such hell. Let me not drink tomorrow...wake up tomorrow..drink....try again...drink...feel like crap about myself...drink. I can't do that again. But I am like you just craving lately off and on more intensely. But I think its normal. We spent our whole lives numbing every problem and every anxiety with alcohol. Alcohol was the solution to all my problems. So its a new way for us. I do find at this point a lot of pain of issues I did not deal with but its balanced with alot of joy. As I get sober there is so much hope that was never there before. Even if problems are smack in my face now and I can't numb them at least I can understand or see the problems more clearly and can come up with solutions. So I think for us it will be awhile before we can remove the gnawing sensation but I know its going to happen! We are all working on our recovery its just going to be a little rough off and on as we relearn the next few months. I have been getting alot of sleep, eating sugar (cant help myself and dont care at the moment) and exercising. I know it helps with stress to exercise.
You are doing great Sally. You had commented you had a measly 60 days. No way is that measly. People struggle to get one or two days or a week even. 60+ is huge.
I have only had one drunk dream. I think its because my memory sucks from drinking so much. I can't remember well still but hoping that gets better too! Anyway love you all.
Sally. There are NO measly days in sobriety. There are good days and bad days but they all matter. The day that you are in is the most important day of your life. They are all precious. I too am having a growing challenge of dealing with my emotions [ROLLER COASTER]. Emotions that I have been suppressing [CHOKING TO DEATH] for years.
A great example is dealing with my sons. By being in a fairly constant state of numbness I missed out on much. While I now get a direct lift by the joys in their lives, I also get the extreme lows and they seem to take hold with equal force in me now. Not letting this stuff run my day is hard, add business, household and everything else and it can get pretty thick. I have to take time to get centered and be quiet before moving forward. I have no answers other than to say that it is WORTH IT! I don't want to go back where I was. And for me, drinking would take me right back...
I go to bed exhausted every night to rest up for the next day cause I know it's going to be an important one! - Jeff
Jeff, I love your comment that today is the most important one of your life. I picked up thought for the day/ daily devotional out of jar as i was leaving Y this morning and it said: So don't ever worry about tomorrow. After all tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of it's own. Matthew 6:34.
Hi, my name is Carol and I'm a non-drinker! I thought I'd try that on for size, as a recovery alternative to the typical AA Carol/alcoholic statement.
Good morning to all. Just a quick note for now and I'll try to post later here & on the main thread. All's well for now.
Hey Carol - my name is Sally and funny, I am a non-drinker too!! Love you!!
Hi Carol - my name is Jeff and I am a drinker of non-alcoholic beverages. I am especially fond of pineapple Mexican soda! Welcome!
Jeff, Sally and everyone, hi. Jeff, good point, I do drink non-alcoholic beverages. But I do like the power of the statement that I'm a non-drinker!
I don't really have cravings, but thoughts pop up. At dinner out with my husband the other night, the drink specials were prominently posted, and Mai Tai on the chalkboard caught my eye. Oh, a Mai Tai, I'll never have another Mai Tai. The thought of wine or vodka or other spirits is mildly revolting right now, but a lovely cocktail sounded kind of nice. That night I woke up in the middle of the night with the thought "why would I want to drink sugar-coated poison?". Why indeed?! So I am trying to keep that in mind. All those cocktail ideas are just sugar-coated poison. Someone posted about Kim Cantrell always being brought Cosmos but forgoing them since she's in recovery; she's now a role model. But closer to home, y'all are my role models and my heroes! We can and are breaking the cycle. Woo hoo! Have a great day!
Hi Jeff, Sally, Carol, Millie, Christy, Ruth, Kjbp, Jesus. Thanks for being here and keeping me sober another day! My moods are up and down still. Wondering how everyone else is doing? This past week has been all down. Hoping it gets better soon! At least no alcohol to make me more down. But wish my mood would lift already.
Carol I am a non drinker too! Jeff I have not tried that pineapple mexican soda. So will buy some tomorrow for the week end. Hurricane coming. Need to stock up. Lol Love you guys.
I wonder how old some of you ladies are...? Sally, is any of that emotional stuff hormonally rooted? I am sad to say that half of the emotional ups and downs that I was attributing to alcohol were also connected to menopause I am happy to report that I don't really feel the desire to drink any more. We just got back from Greece, and when I was there, I also had many drinks sent over or handed to me. People were just trying to be nice and polite. I would lift the glass towards whoever gave it to me, and then put it back on the table (and ask my husband if he wanted it). I also found myself telling people "I don't drink" if they asked me if I wanted a beer or ouzo or whatever. It was pretty easy, no one raised an eye-brow or anything. As far as getting rid of the urge altogether? I am not sure it is possible, but the fact that it is there is a reminder that it is a problem. When I feel tempted or weak, I just think of what my kids will think of me, and everything shifts back into perspective. Gotta run and finish dinner- love you guys!
Hey Ruth - I am past the hormonal stuff - went through all that in my mid 40's - am 56 right now - God - how did I get so old (LOL). I think my problem is that I used alcohol all of these years to squash my emotions, and now that I am not drinking, I can’t do that. I have to deal with them. I never, ever cried – would just pick up a drink and voila everything was all better – I could deal with it. Any recommendations for a good tear jerker movie – let those endorphins out for the night and move on?
Samantha - we ARE on the same lunar cycle. This past week has been tough for me too. I am overwhelmed with things that need to be done – I keep adding to my list and nothing is getting crossed off. I go back to work in less than two weeks and I am not ready, still have 1 more grad class on my plate to finish, need to do this, need to take care of that. Anxiety and hyper ventilation is at an all time high!
And, once more I realized, sad as it may be, that I will not be getting any help from my partner so all of the responsibilities are still falling on my shoulders. Instead of having a pity party (which I would do in the past) I took a deep breath and said "deal with it - this is your life!!" Even though it makes me incredibly mad and sad at the same time. Life is not fair sometimes, but this is my life - at least for now.
Sooo … today I am going to meditate for 20 minutes, right after I post. I am going to say NO to everyone and YES to me – if just for today! I am going to put me and my things at the top of the list. I am going to take care of the things that I need to do and brush the rest aside – let it go. And I am going to make some short term goals for the rest of the year to keep my spirits lifted, keep me on track, and keep me motivated. Maybe even plan a long weekend get away with two of my best friends (yes?) – spa time or just away time – for this coming fall/winter :]
Sally thats it exactly. If I had a problem I drank. Alcohol was the solution to every problem. Now I dont drink...but the problems are still there.... So its been emotional, depressing and stressful balanced with alot of joy, fun and hope. What I have come to realize is I created alot of problems from drinking. So now I have to deal with them. I also realize alcohol numbs things but its a temporary fix and its a temporary fix that is very addictive.... I remind myself daily I can't go there even if there are times I want to.
Ruth congrats on your amazing and continuing success. I always enjoy your posts. I love watching you grow in sobriety and you inspire me making the right choices. My son in law when I had hit 100 days gave me a card congratulating me. He was so proud of me and it shocked me and made me feel so good. So I have that as well in my memory bank if I ever think to drink again.
Carol "the non drinker" ! how are you doing today? Christy? Foundintheditch, Millie, Jesus?
Samantha and Sally-I'm with you guys on that same cycle or something. My anxiety this week has been at an all time high since I quit drinking, not just emotionally, but physically. My whole body feels like I can't hold it up. Had to work a double yesterday as always, and of course I work the dining room and bar by myself until 4 when a full staff gets there and hoping everyone would go in the dining room then, where as I only work the bar then, and of course I got a full bar, to go orders for pizza and take out and there I was with no break. So there I was with trying to keep going until 5 hours later. I thought I was gonna collapse. My mind and body would not work anymore. This is when I usually want a drink, but just put it out of my mind. It was very difficult as my sister was drinking my favorite Pinot.
Another double today, but ahhh, Sunday tomorrow, sort of my day off! Sorry for rambling, but don't know how to make it through today.
Samantha-how are things going with Irene? Did you stock up? Hope you're safe.
Christy I'm like that too. I have been so tired from work the past few weeks that drinking has been more in my face at times then usual. I am certain this is because I am tired. As soon as I get rest my head is clearer, this kind of makes me like a toddler no? LOL Your doing great Christy. How many days do you have now? Maybe what you could do before work today is go back to your original posts so you can remember what it was like in the beginning. I do that sometimes when the alcoholic voice starts complaining and it helps me remember how I got here. I do wonder why all of us have this anxiety now? I not going to drink but I'm amazed at how the anxiety got a little worse, still manageable though. I guess we are just more aware now?
This is an odd week. I work in NYC 25 years and havent had a earthquake tremor and now a hurricane. I am fine here in CT Christy just hoping not to have any trees fall etc. Hoping not to lose power but I am assuming we will! Love ya.
Hi, everyone. I'm fine and not in harm's way of Irene. Good luck to those who are.
I have been thinking in the last couple of days that if it weren't for this forum I'd probably be drinking again. As I've mentioned before, I quit for 3 months or so 5 or 6 years ago, then "just one" and blah, blah, I'm tired of my story. I don't feel any particular cravings, it's not even any particular event bringing it up to "make me" want to drink, it's more like the habit of drinking is presenting itself. So zero tolerance doesn't necessarily work since there isn't that "oh, I want/need a drink" going on. But I always think of this forum. I still check it probably too many times a day, but it's a safe haven. Reading the posts reminds me of why I stopped, and that keeps me going. It's funny how all the shameful things I've done and the crappy feelings kind of fade so are less compelling to keep me as a non-drinker, which of course contributed to starting up last time. I've posted some and written down some but it's maybe worth capturing more of the shame so i don't forget. I'm thinking this is a recovery moment. If the habit of drinking is presenting itself, what will I do instead?
Samantha and Christy, good job hanging in there. Ruth and Sally and Mel, good luck with the start of the school year! Ruth, sounds like Greece was wonderful; you sound great. Sally, too bad you can't count on your partner, but good for you for spreading your wings and not letting that limit you. Mel, you've had a lot of transitions in the last couple of months; congrats on staying grounded and not drinking. Jeff, trailblazer, good luck with your mom. Kathy, hope you're feeling better. Other 60+ dayers, let us know how you are doing.
Have a great alcohol-free day!
Happy Saturday night everyone!
I agree with Carol that I would be drinking if it weren't for this site. Maybe not like before, but I know I would be toying around with it.
I made it through today without a thought of a drink. Didn't think that would happen today as the crappy way I was feeling the last few days. It is Saturday night which at the end of it I feel a little relieved about work, a little less stressful day tomorrow as I don't have to wait on the bar/dining by myself unless they need help. I have a little more free time to myself then.
Samantha, today is day 77 for me, except I have to admit I had a taste of some new vodka from our wine/booze salesman. He insisted I try it to see if I wanted to buy some for the bar. I think Patrick said as long as we don't get a buzz we don't have to start at day one again. It's really hard for me owning a bar and have to know what would sell. Thank God it really doesn't tempt me to get going on having more. I just set my mind to it that's all I'm gonna do is sample.
I do think we think our anxiety is worse, but I think we are not drowning it with booze. We are able to feel all the emotions we could not feel before because we were numb. Agree?
Have a good and sober weekend all!
Here was my day. My mom has cancer. She has just started radiation and chemo. We just brought her home from the hospital. All sorts of family around. My dad is still drinking. Subtly in-your-face drinking. It is his solution. Lots of family around. Everyone haggling over nutrition and next steps. The net access is down due to a recent storm and it is my job to "fix it". My son defiantly does back flips on the neighbors trampoline. In all of this there is a sense of peace along with the madness and pain. My mom is 7 years sober and I am starting to think about a year. There are two others in our group in recovery. There is a bottle of vodka in the fridge door. Always. I would have hit it HARD a year ago. I did not. I went to bed totally exhausted but happy to have lived another sober day. I NEVER EVER thought this could happen.
Wow Jeff. That is really a powerful post. I just cried reading that. Amazing. I am sorry about your mom and hope she is doing ok with the radiation/chemo treatments and not too sick from it. Your comment that there is a sense of peace with the chaos is exactly what I feel. I have alot going on personally with finances, career etc and it is so stressful and sad at times...but I used to drink over that like you. And now I dont. Life is still in my face but I'm amazed how at peace I am at times with it all. Like you I never thought I would get sober. I have 4 months today and I couldnt even get 4 days awhile ago. I think its so inspring to all of us on this forum to see you deal with your moms cancer and your dad drinking and for you to handle it all sober. Life is only good for me if I dont drink. And life is only good for my family when I dont drink.