60, 90 days....now what?

[Sally]

Jeff - I am so proud of you - you have come a long way!!! I remember too many football games slighted toasted, wishing it would end so I could get back to drinking!! Pretty pitiful we were like that for our kids - there, but not really there. Thank God those days are over...you rule!! And I am sure your son appreciates it - even if he doesn't mention it.

Christy you are doing amazing - I don't think I could be as strong as you surrounded by it 24/7 - you GO girl!!

Julliet - BIG HUG!!! Hang in there - think positive - "this too shall pass"...I am lighteing some incense for you and wishing you happiness :]

Regina - you hang in there - you will be counting years, (we all will) not days and months, in no time!!

[Vic]

Hi everyone,
Really great to hear about your 9 months being sober FITD, that is awesome. As well congrats to Kathy, Christy, Samantha, Carol and others with lots of sober living under your belts. It sounds like everybody is doing really well and that is truely inspiring.
I don't want to be a downer but I'm going through a little rough patch right now, started a little before 90 days and has been ongoing for about a week. It's not so much that I want to drink but I find it difficult right now dealing (like Samantha mentioned) with those waves of sadness and regrets over the past. I used to always bury those feelings with gallons of alcohol so dealing with them sober is all new to me.
Also I think the novelty of being sober is wearing off and "real life" is taking center stage now.
Maybe it's the autumn weather with shorter daylight and gloomier skies that are adding to my down mood, I don't know.
Anyways, I plan on staying the sober course no matter what and hold on to the promise of better days ahead.

[foundintheditch]

Hey Vic - I too have to deal with those feelings cropping up. Memories long put away. The bottom line is there are no "do overs" in this deal. I have to focus on where I am headed and always remember where I have been. I was a good one for burying whole chapters of my life because I didn't like how they turned out. I then proceeded to repeat many of the same patterns that caused the previous horrible chapter. Much of my past is not pretty at all. I have felt embarrassed, shamed and foolish at the things that I have done and not done. But I must try to draw strength from them. Vic, I believe You and I have a similar story in the length of our drinking years. I try to start every day dedicated to not doing those things again. I am trying to be where I am needed where I wasn't before. I have heard it referred to as your "dark power". We are here for a reason. I believe that now. - Jeff

[Samantha]

Im not a good 1 finger typer but I am on my ipad as the noreaster took our power out! So cant type too much. But Happy Birthday Julliet nd Mel! Jeff I like your comment that you have to draw strength from the painful past. When I look at my past drinking and how much better life is sober I have learned so much in 6 months. Im excited to see what the next 6 months brings. I still battle the demon in my head. Its there usually like AA says, when Im hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. I'd like to add depressed in there too. I've learned like Ruth says the thoughts are there to drink but they are just feelings, I dont have to act on them. I used to always want to medicate every feeling. I guess feeling was uncomfortable? Didnt feel comfortable in my own skin and didnt think I was good enough. Sober I didnt expect but have been rewarded with confidence. And my anxiety is better. Its still there but I am light years calmer.

Vic if you read my first post on this thread you will see I was right where you are at around 90 days. It will get better if you stick with not drinking. You will be able to work through some of your past issues and gain alot of hope and confidence from dealing with these issues sober. Its so many little miracles that occur you will be amazed. I have the sadness of stupid choices I made because of alcohol. But I like this sober life better. And at the core of it for me I worked so hard to drink normal and I just cant. Thats turned out to be a blessing.

Regina so glad you are here!

Nite everyone.

[Mairianna10]

Well Samantha, you were right. After over 100 days sober I drank, cant believe it. I'm disappointed but you know I'm also glad in a way to discover that I really cant drink anymore, feel terrible. I had wine and loads of gin the first night and there was a family crisis and I was needed but couldnt drive, all OK now thankfully. Had more to drink yesterday and got nothing done. Should have gone to church today but I can hardly function. What an idiot. Day 1 .....

[Vic]

Thank you for your words of wisdom Jeff it does help a lot, and yes I drank a lot for a very long time, my whole adult life actually.
That's the tricky part right now as I always used alcohol in EVERY situation and now not having it as a crutch takes some getting used to. It's kinda like having training wheels on your bike your whole life and they have been suddenly pulled off.
However, I am very committed to living alcohol free no matter what so I will just go with the flow into the great wide open, a leap of faith so to speak.
I am relieved to hear you had a similar experience around 90ish days Samantha and have carried on and things did get better, it really brings me hope.
I can totally understand how you drank after 100ish days Mairianna because I did so in the past as well. This time around like you indicated I know I can't drink anymore in the sense that I get only the downside now. It's good that we understand that now and see the importance of sobriety.

[Mairianna10]

Vic, I know now I can't drink, it's horrible, what a waste. I won't fall down like that again. Thanks for being there.

[Ruth]

Hi everyone- it is strange, isn't it, that every time we are in a different situation in which we used to drink, we have to relearn all over again how to be sober in it? I went to a good friend's house, well, barn actually, for a lovely 18th birthday dinner for his daughter. Big fire blazing away, the best friends, music, great food, etc. And we always drank whiskey with this guy. I didn't really feel an urge, just that it felt strange to be not drinking. Nobody much noticed what I was doing, regarding alcohol, and my friend got pretty loose. I mentioned to another friend early on that I had stopped drinking, and he was sort of dumbfounded because he did not think I had a problem. Sometimes, that perception of others looks like an excuse to drink, until I remember that I quit drinking because *I* needed to, not because of what other people thought. It is easy to think, "I wasn't that bad- no blackouts, no DUIs etc." but I know perfectly well that it was an issue and I couldn't control it, so that is my truth. I'll be honest, I sometimes miss drunk me- the life of the party, and I miss that crazy energy sometimes, but I do not miss the feeling that I made a fool of myself yet again, and I don't miss the shame. I guess I will have to grow up and deal with the awkwardness I used alcohol to smooth out. Anyway, it was still fun last night, and I learned how not to drink at the barn!

[Sally]

OMG - Great posts - and I can say, been there done that! Read back a few pages and you will see where I hit 90 days and all of a sudden had a major meltdown...it's those emotions that we have never dealt with sober rushing in - at least it was for me. Stress, sadness, anger, depression, not feeling quite right...

Vic - it may be depression, but I don't think it is the "novelty of being sober" wearing off - it is living life sober that is happening to you - at least it was for me. A full wave of emotions, sadness, regrets, empty feelings - like something is missing. The something missing is alcohol. I drank pretty steadily for almost 40 years, since I was 16, heavily the past 5. I dealt with everything in my life semi-buzzed or mucho buzzed. It is hard to relearn how to NOT do that. And it is sooo easy once you have that first drink to convince yourself that it is o.k...the world is not going to implode, one night off won't hurt, but trust me it can only lead you back to where you were, so don't even consider it! Keep your guard up - especially now when you are feeling the way you are.

Right Mairianna? Don't be hard on yourself, just pick yourself up and keep going. You made it to 100, now make it the rest of your life. I am coming up on a month (again), but I feel much stronger than I did the first time. I am ready for the emotions and I have put together healthy ways to deal with them. And when I had my meltdown I didn't drink because I wanted to drink - I drank because I was overwhelmed and didn't know how else to handle everything hitting at once - that was how I handled life in the past - why should it have been any different. But now, I know better - because I did take that one night off... and it only reinforced why I can't drink - ever!!

Winter coming on can be a big trigger I think. Along with having several months under your belt. And don't even get me started on the holidays. But all of you who are struggling with emotions right now know that you are in a better place because you eliminated alcohol from your life. Do whatever it takes to keep going, and as Samantha keeps saying, it will get better. Alcohol is poison - remember? Remember why you came to SP in the first place? Because you were sick and tired of being sick and tired. Hang in there - keep thinking positive. Take a new class, get out and get involved in some charity work. Do something for your neighbors or a friend....just get outside of yourself and your mind for a while.

Life is GREAT without alcohol in it!!! I am so much more productive. I have more time on my hands than projects (well not really lol). I can look people in the eyes. I can remember conversations I had from the day/night before. I am sleeping better. My family is so proud of me - and I am proud of me. I am actually enjoying my kids more than ever. I have more self confidence. I am saving money$$$. And I am NOT regretting anything I did in my past, because that is my past - can't change it so why dwell on it...

[Samantha]

Hey Mairianna. I know you have alot on your plate now and it can feel overwhelming at times. I think you have been doing amazing with 100 plus days. Sometimes it takes a few false starts to get it right. I had alot of those. When I drank it relieved the anxiety I was feeling for maybe 30 mins. Then I started the addiction cycle and couldnt pull out of it for long stretches. The last two weeks of my drinking it felt like I was just here to feed the beast. Get the alcohol, drink it and was just its slave. I got more depressed on it and more hopeless. Till finally I gave up trying to make it work. I just dont drink normal. It only got worse for me drinking, never better. Since Ive been sober I still have anxiety issues but the alcohol made me more anxious. I dont know why but its been an unexpected benefit of not drinking, the anxiety is less. Anyway so glad your back and we are all here for you.

Ruth thanks for sharing on the barn. Gives me encouragement. !

[Mairianna10]

Sally, Samantha, I'm fine, going to pick myself up and go for it again. I've been sober for so long and the one time I have a drink there's a family crisis. Still can't remember what happened but everyone still talking to me so couldnt have been as bad as I thought. Thanks for being there. Here's to sobriety x

[Samantha]

Hey Mairianna how are you doing today? Keep posting and we are all here for you.

[Mairianna10]

Hi Samantha, I'm very upset. I had so much to drink that my hands are shaking. I feel like a drink would fix it. I poured everything out last night. Going to get on with my coursework and tidy up the house a bit. My husband will probably go for more so it will be hard but I'm determined to not drink. Thanks.

[Samantha]

Hi Mairianna how do you feel now? I was not able to access the Internet till now so just checking in. Were you able to last the evening ok? I'm keeping my fingers crossed you did. I think you just need a few days dry to get yourself up and sober again. You were doing great before so I know you can do it again.

[Vic]

I second what Samantha is saying Mairianna, you've been sober before and you can get back to sober again for sure.
Just hang in tough for 24hrs at a time and you'll soon be counting your sobriety days again.
Don't overthink and just don't drink.

[Mairianna10]

I'm OK, very sad and feeling quite lost. No I didn't drink. I'm lucky I stopped so quickly, I wont touch the stuff again. Thanks for your concern, keeps me going.

I wont get complacent again.

Sorry it seems like Me, Me, Me, I hope to be able to help again soon, need to get a few days under my belt like Vic says.

[Millie]

I have been reading unwasted by sacha soblic(sp?). Her book is about the time AFTER she stopped drinking. I could relate to a lot of what she said about having to pretty much recreate herself sober, as she had never really "matured" while a drinker. She had never really developed true friendships, hobbies, etc. She also describes how awful cocktail parties, office conferences, drinking events, etc. Can be sober. She hilariously describes going to a dinner party after she got sober where the hostess offered nothing nonalcoholic to drink, but water and every dish at the dinner was made with alcohol, from the coq au vin, to the dessert. Interesting, pretty funny read.

[Millie]

Mairianna,
Hang in there. I actually got exercise in today for first time in weeks.. Do you think you can get 20 minutes in today. I think it really helps shift our focus back to doing healthful v. Unhealthful things to ourselves.

[Samantha]

Vic I wanted to say congrats on 100 days! Thats awesome. I remember at 100 and for some reason that had more meaning to me then 90 days. Anyway congrats on that. As Patrick told me stick with it. So just keep sticking with it and it will get better. Dragonfly congrats on 30 and Ruth on 5 months and Cristy I know you are coming up on 5 months. Juliette 60 days too! Hope I didnt leave anyone out. Every day not drinking is a good day. :-)

[Vic]

Thanks Samantha and I agree 100 Days has more meaning than it did at the 90 Day point. Still got a ways to go but am slowly improving mind,body and soul a little each week.
I definitely plan to stick with it for this is so much better than my previous way of life....I am very grateful to be finally living and enjoying this precious gift of sobriety after years upon years of struggle.