My Addict Husband has disappeared.

[jcpatty]

First off, during the 3 years my husband and I have been married he has spent most of it in and out of rehab. About 8 months ago, he had the option of either leaving our home or finding another rehab to go to. We do not have insurance, so he decided to enter into a free mission type religious based rehab over a hundred miles away. For 7 months, he did very well. He has been in 3 of these type rehabs before, and says he does better with these. Anyway, the program lasts a year. We got to see eachother on a regular basis, a few times a month. He seemed to be doing great until he was allowed to start working again. That's when it always falls apart. He never had any money even though he was working, always saying he was saving. I bought this because of the boundaries I set forth for him were as follows: Save money for an apt in the new city he was living for us to start over, I wanted a new wedding ring since he pawned mine on more than one occasion and it was finally lost to me forever, buy himself a car, pay deposits for utilities and such, etc. Most of these dealt with money because he has never been responsible with it. I also required he finish his year commitment. He agreed to all these, seemed thankful. So anyway, fast forward, two weeks ago I was losing my mind, he had stopped calling me (used to at least 3 times a day) and was turning his phone off at night. Finally, it all came out, he left the rehab back at the beginning of May, and had been lying to me for a month. I've tried everything, he refuses to answer my calls. Now his cell phone is off, and he calls about once a week from a blocked number asking for money, at first he was claiming he wanted to come home then it goes into begging and demanding money. He is so cold to me. Nothing like my husband. He is in a very large city, and I have no idea where he is or who's he with. He was fired from his job, but I know that he isn't homeless, yet anyway. I'm at a complete loss. I'm so hurt by his actions. I know he's in the throws of his addiction, and it isn't him. But I don't know how much I can take. I love him, I believe he loves me, but how can he do this? I haven't sent him any money, I refuse, I've offered to come and get him, and he says he will call and let me know where to pick him up and I never hear from him. I'm terrified for his safety, and I'm afraid that maybe he's with another woman. Everything has gone through my mind. I need advice, or at least some experience. Thank you.

[Han]

oh my goodness, that is awful! i know how horrible it was for me this morning when my boyfriend of 6 years didn't come home. and you dont know when you will hear from them, or even if you will hear from them, or if they are OK, and calling hospitals and police departments, always trying to predict their behaviour based on past experience. your mind is FRANTIC, and its the not knowing, and the limbo. I mean, what are you to do? what does he expect of you? how can he bahave that way after everything you 2 have been through and everything you've invested. i've always felt that i'm being destroyed more than he is, becuase he gets to have a merry little time, meanwhile i'm boring, sensible, controlling...and constantly worried! its such a head fuck! You dont know what to do for the best, you do everything you can, put so much work, research, strategies, effort in, and yet its still not good enough. i always think what did i do wrong to deserve this? and why cant i leave him? Do i like being a doormat?
my boyfriend did turn up in the end, only to tell me that he loved me, but not enough to put up with my crap (ie not letting him away with his bad behaviour)! so hes off down the pub again! sometimes i wonder if he just does these things so that he can have an excuse to drink, and to make me fight for him instead of the other way around. what they dont understand is that we are always fighting for the relationship, and of course we love them more than anything, becuase otherwise why would we put up with it?

i am truely sorry, this must be devastating. constantly waiting for a call, trying to work out patterns eg weekly calls, and then waiting for the call. not knowing where to look for him, or even what the point would be as he doesn't want to be found. I dont know if this is of any help to you, but maybe the distance is good in a way? at least you can distance yourself from him a bit, that you dont have to deal with the daily dramas, and maybe you can have a little normailty for a while...? i know you would rather the headache just so long as you knew he was OK, and you get to glimpse the nice sober guy once in a while, the guy that you keep holding out for xxx

just some questions, how do you know that he is not homeless? and could you try giving him some money and then seeing where he spends it? or do you not have access to his accounts? what does his family and friends say? have they had any contact?

good luck and chin up sometimes at times like this you think about giving this addiction thing a go, must be nice to be able to forget, even for a little while xxx

[mindy]

I can understand what Its like waiting and waiting I have two adult sons who are heroin addicts my 21 year old has overdosed 7 times 5 in the last 6 months. Its horrifying when the calls do come or when you hear the sirens going and you wonder if there going to get your son. He has been left on the side of the road for dead twice now by his so called friends and they both have hep c. My husband and I fight about them always and my husband is a bad alcoholic who refuses to stop and goes from job to job ruining us financially as he goes. I really feel like I could pack up my 8 year old son and leave it all behind and never look back never see any of them again never have to deal with them at all ever and then i feel guilty for the thoughts. I just want out of all of this. I dont know I have tried everything I know how Im not rich i cant put any of them in rehab in fact im in the middle of a bankruptcy. I want to see my sons do good ive lost all hope for my husband he is only into whats good for him and not giving anything up. I am the main bread winner in the family and need to know what to do I cant live like this anymore its been 13 years of trying programs and trying therapy and group homes. I really cant give anymore and because im so busy working to keep us with roof over our heads my 8 year old basically lives at the babysitters. can I just wash my hands of it all now please I want of the ride.