Mairanna you're absolutely right about that space of time just before caving in. It's right then that I feel like my true self steps out and observes my alcoholic self just take over......yikes, how freaking messed up is that? I'm going to make a plan today of what to do when the craving starts acting up.
Nicole and Casey, thanks so much for your encouraging words. My dh is not an encourager....I think because he doesn't know how. Sometimes I get so weary trying to keep myself encouraged.
Vic, thanks for the tip on Philip Tate's book. I haven't started reading "alcoholic" books yet..but I'm taking that into consideration.
Sally, I love your method of hearts on a calender and a blessings jar (whatever works right?) I considered the calender thing last week and dismissed it because besides me and dh, nobody knows my current struggle. My kids, neighbors, and friends would ask what the hearts and sad faces are for, and I'm a lousy liar. However, I did find the calender on this site. Just not how to place symbols on it. I'll take a better look and play around with the options.
Dragonfly, Sam and Rosella......I'm honored to be pulling up the rear of our mutual struggle! LOL It's like climbing a very steep mountain and having to stop, rest, and ask ourselves what the heck are we doing here anyway?? Let's keep forging ahead......
Regina.......where are you? Are you stuck? If so........come on back and we'll help you get your footing again.
Good for you Bill. I've anesthetized my brain with one thing or another through the years. Clean and sober with all the natural chemicals firing is the goal for me. I so much wanted to be able to drink like "normal" people, but that just isn't possible. Going to have to get my dopamine, epinephrine and seritonin up and running so I can feel like myself again!
Good morning all!
Cathy - I think there are a lot of day 1 people lurking, the first days seem to last forever, I felt like that too. Seeing all the posts of people with more days than me was encouraging and I felt a longing to be where they were, made me anxious too. Now I have 17 days today which seemed impossible when I was in the first week but it comes quickly. Now I am not having to think about it every second of the day, believe me the first days went so slowly. (and I had a couple of relapses)
Bill - You can't stress enough about how kids can drive you to want a couple of glasses of wine, I have 4 and I definately used drinking as an escape from the craziness! Now I just take a deep breath and just try to be calm in the midst of the chaos! It is not easy. Congrats on 7 days, that is awesome!
Congrats on everyone's progress today
Lets stay sober today, whatever it takes!
Mairianna - So share this with your hubby. I was a bottle of vodka a day drinker. In Sweden, where they heavily tax alcohol, a bottle of Stoli (my choice of poison) was 224 Swedish Kronor. At today's exchange rate, that's $35.24. My wife would generally kill a bottle to a bottle and a half of wine a day. Because of the way taxes work, a bottle of wine is much cheaper than hard alcohol. On average, she would get bottles in the 90 to 120 Swedish Kronor range. So call that another 150 Swedish Kronor a day or $23.59. So, doing the math, we were drinking pretty much 7 days a week, at $58.83 a day or $411.86 a week or $1,784.76 a month. Now, that doesn't include when we would go out for dinner and have a "nice" bottle of wine, a couple martinis, and an after dinner cognac. That trifecta could easily run us $300 (excluding food) and we'd do that maybe 3 or 4 times a month. In all seriousness, I figure booze was $2,500 to $3,000 a month. We always knew it was a lot, but purposely stayed away from really counting it. Were we not already on the path to long term sobriety, that little math exercise would have us on the road! I can't even consider what we should have been doing with that money.
Bill - Man, I feel your pain. My big deal was coming home, tossing down a serious drink (say 2 inches from a 750ml) and start cooking dinner. The combination of drink + cooking was my wind down. Same thing on weekends only I started earlier. I still have a tough time sitting down to dinner with the same sense of peace or satisfaction. I'm a little on edge through the whole thing. Laughed at your point concerning the picnic. I would have likely had the wine + a hip flask for a little extra sumptin sumptin. All that aside, I'm going for the long term sobriety. Even as I am learning new ways to relax and be satisfied, I know I can't go back. Even with the money we spent, my wife and I would both go back were it not for the kids. Since we stopped, they actually shine. My wife and I seldom bicker now where before we were always at each other. My eldest son and I haven't gone toe to toe since I stopped and that used to be a daily occurrence. I mean physically pushing each other around. I really miss drinking like I would miss a close friend who I lost to illness, but brother, I'm going to fight to not go back there. I can't go back now that I see how much pain I was causing my children and my marriage. Over the weekend, I had the strangest thought. I was like, damn, now I remember why I married this woman. Its sad, but I'd honestly forgotten. Besides, with the money we're saving, I'll have a Harley in the garage by next summer! Keep faith man.
Nico - Ours are 8, 13, 15, and 17. The 8 yr old was kinda of the bonus baby. The one where the goalie was asleep at the stick. My joke to new parents is that you aren't a real parent until you have at least 3. With 1, you and your significant other have a two on one coverage going on. With 2, you need to move to one on one, but you still have size, speed, and reach so you control the game. But at 3, you have to go zone coverage. Like one upstairs and one down. And once you've gone zone, they know to double team the smaller of you and its all over....
Congratulations all on your successes and don't loose sleep over your less rewarding days.. Just keep up the fight!
Thank you for asking about me Cathy!
Today is Day 3 and I am going to an AA meeting tonight with a woman I know. I just feel terribly isolated and anxious. I feel like a real loser honestly. I have been to AA before and don't love it but thought maybe it would help me to be around other people with the same goal (sobriety).
I love reading everyones posts. I can sooooo relate and I find you all so inspiring.
Connor & Mairianna I certainly agree with the HUGE financial cost of boozing over the many years. I recently was doing some back of the envelope math on the $$$ spent during my drinking career and lets just say I could of bought a very nice beach-house somewhere and not have to work for many years....Choices choices choices.
Anyways, lots of good insight as usual and I can relate to so many of your stories. The ups and downs and all-arounds of a new sober life touches us all.
Day 26 now and still not very "up" but then again not too "down" either...Kinda of hovering in between the two zones. Brain fog and tiredness still there but that's to be expected.
I have made up my mind that it's sobriety or bust at this point so I will deal with all the "side-effects" of early sobriety 24hrs at a time. It's a heck of a lot better than dealing with hangovers, despair, depression, hopelessness and self loathing.
Hang in there gang and DO NOT drink under any circumstances today.
Ugh, I just got home from work and all I want to do is have a few glasses of wine. My husband is leaving on a business trip for the week in less than an hour and I don't want to go to that AA meeting. I just want to get a bottle of wine but I know I will feel awful tomorrow. I hate what I have done to myself over the last year. I have gained 30 pounds, I don't exercise and I feel like I am a terrible mother. I don't know how I keep my job. I shouldn't be feeling sorry for myself. I am the only one who can change things but this urge to drink is so strong. :-(
Hang in there Regina!!! I am sending you good vibes for strength to fight that bad influence inside our heads. Hang tough!!
Connor, I know, I just worked out that my whole salary was going on alcohol. We've had so many rows about money yet we didn't do the maths, or didnt want to. My husband is still having a couple of beers but hardly any spirits. We decided yesterday to open a new account for a holiday next summer. We've had nice holidays in the past but never had ready cash, always on credit, and then the arguments when we came back because we couldn't afford it - we couldnt afford it because we preferred to waste it on drink. This time we aim to pay it cash.
Regina, its so hard. You need to get into the right mindset. Think about how much better and connected you could feel, your family, your finances, your job. I know its so hard but keep posting and we'll try to help.
Well done Dragonfly on Day 6, you're going for it!
Vic, you will soon have reached your 30 days, well done.
Hi Julliet, welcome back.
Managed to get through Day 4. Just shows what a horrible poison alcohol is to go through so much emotional and physical pain coming off it. The great thing about this forum are the little quotes that stay in your mind that help you through those times of temptation. Even though I feel crappy I've started to hate alcohol so much that I just want to rid it from my body. Well done everyone, lets all keep forging forward
Hi everybody, it's the start of day 27 and grateful to be at this point in my journey.
Enjoying the beauty that is sunrise with a coffee and fairly clear head with no regrets from the night before....Simple yet incredibly rewarding.
Have a good sober day gang.
Good Morning all. It's 10:17am here in Michigan. Sam you're likely sleeping right now. So anyway....I made it through the day yesterday without alcohol. But I have a confession to make. My hubby gave me something to take the edge off the craving. (his brother has huge health issues and prescription meds all over the place) Well so I was in a very different frame of mind, but the alchoholic mindset was squashed. I voiced my uneasy feeling about taking something to replace the booze, but reasoned that in a detox situation, I would have been given "something" to achieve the same results. I'm a nurse by profession so I know the dangers of Rx drug addiction. But I've been there, done that so to speak 20 yrs ago. I have no left over lingering desire for pills. Ok with all that said, I'm still not satisfied with replacing one drug for another! I seriously want to overcome this booze addiction in the power of my own good common sense.....with God's help. Sam I'm hoping when you wake up in the morning that you'll be able to tell us that you've got another day behind you. BUT........if that's not the case, then back up on your feet and take your place pulling up the rear! I have this picture in my mind of all of us climbing this very tall mountain. As far as I know me and Regina are last in line together. And to keep our minds on the goal of reaching the top, because up there is stable, level footing.
Rosella you just made it through day 4 and I'm just starting it! We can do this. I'm sure of it!!! Keep going girlfriend!
Regina? You ok?? I can relate 100% to the overwhelming craving for a drink. I have no idea how many times I'm going to "fall down the rabbit hole" before I finally gain traction. I'm not taking anything for granted anymore. I can never get back those days that I've so carelessly given over to booze. Heck I feel like I can't even remember a large chunk of my life, and that's scary! Please check in.....no matter what! We're here to help you. I've come to realize that this group of people are just like me and you. We won't give up on you. We'll keep pulling you back up on your feet.
Well to everyone here......keep on moving forward........thanks so much for helping me......I value your friendship and caring hearts more than you can know.
Last edited by Cathy; 08-23-2011 at 09:55 AM.
Connor - that is so true about the kids, we definitely get double teamed! LOL!
I have been off work for 6 days and am to my limit here with the kids, tomorrow I get to go to work, yay! And they start school next week. Being home with the kids seems harder than going to work, I only work part time so it is a perfect balance. Anyways, stress from dealling with demanding kids was/is one of my triggers to pick up a glass or bottle. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't give them up for the world.
To those of you in your first few days, keep taking care of yourselves and keep looking forward, don't look back if you really really want this, don't look back and keep looking forward, you don't need to ever look back because what we do today is all that really matters, continue bettering ourselves. Remember relapses may and will happen but it is part of the process, we are still growing if we keep trying!
Hi Sam, just missed you this morning (it was about 9am Tue here). Hope you're sticking with it and not drinking. Alcohol seems to still be at the forefront of my mind but the automatic reflex of reaching for a drink has gone, thankfully. Day 36 almost done. Just let out a big sigh (?), still feeling low but I need to plod on.
I have a picture in my mind of all of us at our different levels climbing the mountain Cathy - and what a climb it is!
Julliet? You reached out to me the first few days I was here......and then you disappeared! Are you alright? Do you need to hook back up with us here? Or do you have a good support system, and find you just don't need to be here? Just want you to know that there are people out there that care about what happens to you.
Hey Gang. Day 23. Still a little cranky when I first walk in each night from work, but ironically it doesn't appear to be booze related (though I know it is). I snag a piece of chocolate or something else with sugar and the world starts to get better. I'm no longer dragging all day, but I can easily sleep 12 hours were I allowed. I also still catch myself dozing at th office if it gets too quiet. I really really hate that, but it does seem to be improving a little (or I am so desperate I'm convincing myself of it).
My story of the day happened at home when I wasn't there. We had a big bottle of fancy lemonade in the fridge. It comes in a thick bottle that could be anything. Evidently, my 17 year old found it, thought it was vodka, and threw a grande mal fit. My wife saw it. Said he just went nuts; angry that I had quit so soon. Of course, he cooled off when he found out what it was, but it really got to me when I heard about it. At first I was angry. How dare he accuse me. How dare he judge me. And then I remembered some of our fights when I was drunk. At the end, I guess he has earned that right after all.
Wish I had something amusing today, but kind of lost the wind in my sails. No thoughts of drinking ( at least none I will act on), but it's tough to face just how much damage and distance my drinking has caused...
Night all... Keep strong.
What a great reminder of how much it means to your children that you have quit. What a gift to yourself and to them. You can't change the past, but you can certainly make sure each day is different from now on.
My kids are young, 6 and 2, and they are the major reason for my decision to quit. I have older step kids, too. One is bringing home his girlfriend this weekend. It is nice to know that there is no risk of me embarrassing him by drinking too much. I may embarrass him, regardless, but I am not worried about that. Lol. Not drinking is so liberating in a lot of ways. I truly am enjoying life (and especially family functions) more now.
Congratulations for piling on the days. You and your wife are doing great!!!
Last edited by Millie; 08-23-2011 at 12:16 PM.
Connor - what a humbling experience hey? You're right - he has every right to be pissed. I never thought my drinking impacted my kids that much, but one day I found a story my then 17 year old had written for an English class - well needless to say it said it all about her mom in black and white....I was mortified to say the least. Very humiliating and humbling. Hang in there - you are doing GREAT!! You have come all long way and you WILL make it - and life is so much better without alcohol in the mix.
What is happening with you?
Thanks all for your continued support as I learn, along with all of you, how to live without alcohol.
Samatha I understand what you said about feeling stronger each time you resist drinking. And Sally I relate to emotions surfacing. I hope the roller coaster begins to have less drops for all of us real soon.
Mairianna I have been thinking a lot lately about how much money I spent on alcohol. It is amazing and scary when you put it on paper. I am happy your husband is being kind to you. You deserve it.
Connor, thank you for the website. I will try it out and let you know. Also thanks for sharing your experience with your son and his feelings. It is tough for all of us face the damage we create when we are under the influence of alcohol. But you are better now and sound like a good dad.
I have been busy helping my son move. Each day, whether I feel moody or not, I am happy to be sober and clear headed to better help to my kids. I know they are greatful too.
Good luck to all!