That was you helping Regina a couple of days ago. You also said you felt intoxicated with how good you felt when you reached Day 14, high on life.When we are ready, I think something will just click in us and we will be sick of being sick, tired of being tired and ready to make the full commitment and not still try to justify with ourselves that we can control this issue.
Get your head down and pick yourself up tomorrow and go for it.
Speak to you then x
The day started out just fine. Then husband had to make some remarks about how dirty the house was, he has to do everything, blah blah blah. Don't get me wrong, he's not abusive or anything. He's great - he just was in a rotten mood.
Well, that was the trigger for me ~ not to want to drink at that point (I do not drink during the day), but some of the depression along with w/d's, I guess, and I've been a mess ever since. Cry, feel so hopeless, useless, etc. It's about 5:58 pm est, and I'm typing this from my car. How pathetic am I??? I couldn't take it so I just got in my car and left.
Sitting in the parking lot at a park near my house. Hubby prob thinks I'm out getting boozed. But I'm not. Just cooling off. Ohhhhh, it's so tempting to stop at the grocery and grab a bottle if vino. Then I just looked down and noticed I'm wearing a paper-thin tanktop w/no bra! Can't go in the store like this!
Thanks for letting me vent.
Dragonfly, don't lose hope. Tomorrow's another day.
Xo
Fifi the anger will pass and you'll be glad tomorrow you didnt drink. You did awesome walking away from the anger. Big hug. Your awesome not pathetic.
Wow........Dragonfly AND Fifi..........that could have easily been me today!! I'm not doing so hot. I've thought about buying my favorite brew a dozen times already! Why didn't I??? I'm not really sure. Probably a combination of connecting with you.....and my husband hanging around the house all day. He mostly likely thinks that I won't cave in if he's around! But having him "watching" me and "waiting" for me to screw up makes me want to drink! I've been romancing the idea that I can drink tomorrow if I want to because he'll be at work. How stupid is that? Argggg...........when will these feelings/thoughts start to subside?
Dragonfly....you've helped me so much since I found this forum. You may not be able to do this anymore TODAY.....but in a day or two you will "come to yourself"......I'm sure of it. You know 3 steps forward and 2 steps backward is just what it takes sometimes. Please sweetheart.......intoxicated, drunk or trashed.........turn off the phone, lock the door and climb into bed.......and do whatever you do....read, watch tv, listen to music, talk to God.....whatever.........just do it now until you fall asleep!! I'm just trying to help you. I'm not yelling....I'm pleading with you. The sooner you get past this particular episode the better. Hugs and prayers for you.
Fifi.......Hi, I don't remember meeting you yet (I may have but too foggy to remember) Well your not alone. My husband get's on my last nerve quite frequently.....and I love the living day lights out of him......but he drinks only occasionally and believes it should be just a matter of me "making a decision" to stay sober. How ill informed he is to what's going on inside. About a week ago I asked him if he wanted to read some of the encouraging help I was getting on this forum, and he said "sure......when I'm done downloading these pictures".....well later never came and he's not shown the least amount of interest in what or who I'm connecting with! So I've just had to keep reminding myself that my sobriety isn't based on what he does or doesn't do. I'm in this alone. Well not alone because I have all of you. Hang in there Fifi. I'm just rambling now. I'll check back later.
Good on you Fifi for hanging in there. There are always going to be times that one side of your mind says we need that drink. We've got to listen to that otherside that knows alcohol ultimately doesn't help. And don't you feel better the next day when you have resisted temptation. I'm only on Day 2 but know how good it gets getting to Day 30 and beyond. I'm going to put all efforts into it this time.
Dear Dragonfly, you have shared so much and offered some wonderful advise. You can get out of this downward spiral. You've been through so much that I just can't believe. But I know alcohol always makes a difficult situation worse. I wish you love and strength.
Welcome to Ceeshel. This is such a great place to start on the road to recovery. I've had to start over and over but this forum has helped me so much and I feel I'm getting stronger and don't feel so alone. Goodluck.
DragonflyF15, maybe it isn't about the fight and not about surrender either but about acceptance. Accepting and loving yourself. I don't know if you are fighting with him or with yourself right now. I know when I was sad and drank I became even sadder and cried more. It is ok to mourn for your terrible loss. But you also need to take care of yourself.
I was thinking about you this morning before I saw any of the posts and I just wanted to take a beautiful soft blanket and wrap you in it and whisper to you that you have a fierce and warm and loving spirit. That it is time to let your spirit shine and not let others shut it down.
For tonight, just let it be. If you are still drinking, if you can, please stop and put it aside for now. No need to fight. We will be here in the morning to try to lift you up, as you have lifted up others.
dragonfly and FIFi, we will always be right here for you. God bless you and keep you. We are behind you no matter what. You can beat this. Love, kim
Dragonfly, you are awesome. Don't be too hard on yourself. Tomorrow is another day!!!
Dragonfly, your words have meant so much to me. Although I have only been on here for a few days, I've enjoyed reading your inspirational messages.
I'm so sorry for what you are going through, but this, too, shall pass. You may feel like shit right now, but tomorrow is a new day, and once the clouds clear and the sun shines through, I hope you come back on here, determined to fight again.
The human spirit is an amazing thing. We are more resilient than we give ourselves credit. I believe that you can bend ... but not break!!!
Hang in there. Please check back in with us and let us know how you're doing. Please.
xo
Dragonfly remeber we are here for you. Everyone wishes you the best. Just read the posts sent your way. See you tomorrow.
Regina, Fifi great to see you both hanging in there.
Welcome Ceeshel. Keep coming back.
Good night and good luck to all.
Fifi, Dragonfly
I know nothing about you other than what you have written in the past few days. Further, I'm new here so think I should observe versus participate so to speak.
However, reading your posts, I wanted to share a quote with you that I have carried with me for many years. It comes from a woman of great personal courage and strength.
"No-one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt
(((Dragonfly))) I feel like I can so clearly understand what you are going through. There is simply not enough booze in the world to drown the pain. But sober, you can overcome it. I truly believe that. You are not alone.
Today is Day 2 for me. What is the saying....the longest journey starts with a single step? My husband drank last night but I choose not to. It is one day at a time for me. No more beating myself up. When I think of all the things in my life that need "fixing" I become instantly overwhelmed. So for now, just this minute, I am focusing on not taking the first drink.
Each one of us can do this. I know we can. It is Monday - the beginning of a new week. My goal is to make it a sober one.
Dragonfly and everyone else:
The Buddha gave conditioned existence a name: samsara. Samsara is the Sanskrit word that describes the wheel of suffering that we perpetuate by doing the same thing time and time again. More often than not while we are avidly seeking happiness, we are creating a certain amount of misery in the process, by this I mean we are seeking happiness in all the wrong places – usually in what we used to have (“if only’s” I call them). We want to change, yet we want things to remain as they were – or better yet as our pickeled brains used to envision they were.
Getting sober is a very scary process – you are changing the entire dynamics of your life and your relationships and change is hard!! When you get sober you begin to question your life, at least I am. You begin to realize that in order to be truly happy you not only have to quit drinking, but you may need to make some major changes with how you are living – scary, very scary.
But it can be done, like quitting drinking, step by step we need to let go – let go of what we perceived to be such a great life, let go of the romantic side of alcohol, let go of the “would of, should of’s, could of’s” and move forward into the future, the unknown. Yes it’s very scary.
Life is beautiful if you let it be. Simple as that! You can be whatever you want to be – you can be happy!! Not drinking is one small part of it – even though now it seems like the major hurdle. Don’t ever give up – there is so much out there to be had – go for it!! :]
Connor1a - I love that quote!!! "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent". I think we as alcoholics tend to let other people rule our lives - no more for me:] This is my life now and I choose more - I choose me!!!
Thank you so much for your amazing post Sally. I came to the realization the night before last that I was drinking because I felt my life had become a dark empty hole with no bottom. I felt like everything was wrong and that nothing could get better. But what made me feel like that? The alcohol. My drinking has destroyed many things. As difficult as not drinking will be, my life can't get worse! The few things I feel I have left; my job, my immediate family - well, I won't lose them by not drinking but by drinking I sure do run the risk of losing them. And if I stay sober, maybe just maybe, some things can get better.
I screwed up royally last night AGAIN. The wife came home and found me and my chair on the floor. OMG I'm getting tired of this.
Today is a new day Peterpinot and you can create whatever you want with it. There is no changing the past so don't beat yourself up over it. Show yourself some compassion and choose a different direction. We are all here with you! :-)
Good for you for not drinking Fifi! There will always be excuses to drink but there are no genuine reasons to drink once we have decided to stop.
peterpinot ...
Believe me, I am IN NO WAY an expert in dishing out advice, but I'll just tell you how I made that first step. First, let your wife know that YOU ARE FINISHED drinking. NO MORE! Ask her to help you by getting rid of ALL the ALCOHOL in the house. ALL OF IT! And do not buy anymore. Whatever it takes ... don't let yourself buy any more.
It's going to be tough. Believe me, I'm on Day 5, but yesterday was a horrible day, full of temptations and frustrations where I almost went to the store to pick up a bottle. But I did not let myself do it. And I was so proud of myself when I resisited. Instead, I went and took a shower, took 2 Advil PMs, got in bed and watched t.v.
I know, I know. Easier said than done. But if you get your mind right and determined to put yourself on a sober path, then with the help of others, prayers, and US, then maybe - just MAYBE - you can do it!!!
Not that this is really "motivating" me at this moment, but I am soooo excited thinking about all of the money I'm going to save by not buying wine and cigarettes! I just may be able to get that iPad 2 after all!!!
Hang in there. Let today be your Day 1.
We'll be here for you.
xo
Great point, Regina ... thanks so much for your insight!!
Good Morning (evening?) Connor1a, Regina, Sally, Fifi, Dragonfly, and Peter. Dragonfly.....I'm hoping you're with us today. It's a new day, and an opportunity to tweak the process of this journey you've embarked on. This is day #8 for me. I am blown away by the fact that I've made it 7 WHOLE DAYS WITHOUT ALCOHOL!!! Whew........just had to yell that because I'm so surprised. I have tried and failed to get past 3 or 4 days, over and over, for the past 2 yrs. I KNOW I'm not out of the woods yet though. Last night I was craving like a mother effer.......and my husband knew and came and stood in front of me with his hands on his hips, and said just one word......."NO"........and walked away. I wanted to hit him! Here I've asked him to "help me" and when he tries.....my claws come out!! How disgusting is that??? Well this morning at 5:30 I heard him up and getting around for work, and I got up to say goodbye. He was rummaging through my purse and took my checkbook, bank card, and money. Right away I jumped on the defensive and said "Leave those with me.....I'm going to have to make it through the day on my own at some point anyway" And he said "Noooo.........last night you were craving........and you asked me to help, so I'm helping" I felt so deflated, saddened, and exhausted, because of being so broken by booze. I just turned around and went back to bed.
It's amazing the new perspective you can have after going back to sleep! I've planned out my day. I accumulated 14 book orders over the week-end so I'll be spending several hours working. My garden is bursting with ripe goodies! I wish I could send all of you some wonderful tomatoes, cucumbers, squash, green beans, broccoli and peppers!! Going out in a few minutes to harvest the ripe stuff. My house needs a going over........and on and on. (Thank you Ryan for suggesting a definitive plan on your vulnerable days) For me it's not really the week-end, it's the week days when Eric can't stop me from buying. So anyway......yeah Ryan....excellent suggestion!
I pray a lot. No big secret there. So I'm saying a prayer as soon as I hit send, that each one of us gets a surge of courage, strength to resist, new ideas, and soothing to our souls. Love you all.
Hi all, new to the forum but have been reading the posts for a few days now and find them very inspiring. I'm day 12 alcohol free...Probably my 100th day 12 in a 30 year drinking career. However, very determined to stay on the dry path this time.
I see many folks on here have also struggled with stop/go drinking patterns and I most certainly identify with that. The last four years I have been able to maintain longer periods of sobriety (up to 90 days) but each time returned to heavy drinking with a vengence. Over the years I have attended a few AA meetings, talked to psychologists and read mountains of books/literature on stopping drinking. Unfortunately each time I returned to drinking. What has changed recently is essentially that alcohol no longer provides the "high/escape" that I counted on all these years and its "biteback" is worse than ever. The past year my tolerance has hit all-time highs and now even when drinking 24 beers per day I now longer get the "high/escape" I used to get. What I do get is a big depressed feeling of hopelessness and despair the next day.
Long way of saying alcohol brings 99% pain and 1% relief these days which is the opposite equation I used to get many years ago when I first started drinking. That reason alone is a big motivating factor to stay sober now...Although their are also other factors that some folks on here have talked about that motivate me to stay alcohol free.
I have never posted to online "stop-drinking" forums before but at this point I am willing to try anything to stay sober and hopefully by sharing we can all stay sober and enjoy a clearer/happier/more hopeful today.
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