Coming to terms with finding other ways to fill that emptiness. One day at a time.
Survived the shower, sober. WooHoo!
I was so happy to see my daughter and her bridesmaids smiling and laughing. Just enjoying being present and remembering everything. It was a little hairy and I had feelings of resentment when my daughter changed her mind and wanted her future mother- in -law on the bus trip to the bars. She is very good about not drinking and she really didn't want to go, so I chalked it up my daughter wanted a chaperone, in a way. But her knowing how I get carried away, so understandable. Plus she knows I am seeking treatment. The feelings were still there for me and on my way home, I felt left out, but realized it all is for the best. I took out my flashcards I made this week, of the benefits of staying sober, and I snapped out of my feelings and craving. Hope everyone is staying sober and peaceful this Saturday evening!
Freedom Day: 12/25/11
Good for you! You made it through a big event and all is well. Here's wishing all of you peace as you get through the tough moments and come out sober on the other side.
Great job Tere. Glad things are settling in a bit for you.
Last edited by ww43.; 11-15-2012 at 06:40 PM.
Well I am just about through the weekend. Friend of mine was gonna come see me friday night, stood me up and then eventually called me at 3 AM wanting me to give her a ride home and go to bed with her. So I did go get her. She was drunk and not ready to stop. Her 4 kids were asleep in the living room where they had been waiting for her. She was still calling people and inviting them over, walking around in the street, at one point (about 4 am) disappearing completely while I wasn't watching, just way out of control. By about 6 AM I had her in her own bed snoring, and then I decided she could deal with her damn kids herself when they wake up and I came home.
So the sun was up Saturday morning and I was sitting on my porch smoking a cigarette out of annoyance (I had quit for about a month before this) and there was a twelve pack in the fridge that I had not touched yet, and man I was pissed at that dumb drunk chick! Our original plans were for her to come over at 10, so I had just spent 8 hours waiting for her, or chasing her, or trying to find her, listening to her cry and complain drunkenly, and yell at me, trying to keep her from waking up her kids, etc. At least she didn't throw up. And I did not drink that beer. I smoked some cigs and gave the beer away later in the day.
In one article Patrick mentions that quitting smoking provides a fallback. I was really annoyed but since I had quit smoking I could just smoke and not go so far as to drink. This REALLY came into play Friday, so I thought it was worth mentioning.
Another thing: she would have rather controlled herself and had a nice night with me, I know. We had plans and she had been looking forward to it. So there it is: someone who I don't think of as an alcoholic at all (by the way) lost control and had a horrible embarrassing night -- so this happens to anyone sometimes. I am more understanding of it than a normal person would be since I have been a drunk myself. And I guess I saved her from worse consequences by being there. After sleeping off my anger I really don't mind that much; I did a good deed or something.
Next time she stands me up like that, I told her, i am turning off the phone and locking the door and going to bed. Don't want to 'enable' her bad drinking behavior, another point I have taken from these articles, come to think of it. I know she kept drinking while she was out expecting (correctly) that I would be there for her anyway at the end of the night. I would not help her by letting her think that in the future.
Seeing someone else have a bad night can be encouraging for one's own sobriety. But of course it is not something we would plan to do on a given evening. Life keeps throwing us interesting challenges!
Tere: I know the feeling when family or old friends still treat us like drunks even after our efforts (successful) to stop. Some of it never goes away and I have found it to be one of my worse triggers, so congratulations. I know the feeling of 'missing out' too. For me it is a fundamental part of the sickness. I don't want to miss an 'opportunity' for a 'good time.' Life is so too short to skip a drinking night, or something like that. Everyone else is having fun! Remember that by going into a tough situation and staying abstinent you are practicing success, repeating experiences to build a new set of beliefs about drinking. It is dangerous, but also important (for me at least) to get through trigger situations successfully rather than avoiding them. Doesn't it feel great to succeed? Taking the power back!
My friend may be developing a problem, given her wild night, so I am gonna take a look at advice about that on this site... I have a feeling saying anything directly about it may not be the best idea. Day to day I do not always feel safe myself but I have succeeded for almost two weeks now. This forum really helps.
I lose the compulsion to drink after typing for an hour. For me typing seems more effective than just reading. it is active. it occupies my hands.
It feels great to succeed, but I am still stuck with negative feelings. Did not give in to the beast within, but I seem to be more angry today. Struggling with these feelings. I regret telling my family I relapsed after being sober 4 years. It seems they never let go of my bad behavior and my mother will throw sarcastic comments out to me everytime she gets a chance. It is disheartening to say the least.
So as of today, on my 41st birthday, it is time I put my big girl pants on and make some decisions regarding my mother and daughter. I believe I should distance myself from them. For my daughter's wedding in 3 weeks,to not stay at her house or involve myself too much, which I have been known to do , due to the fact of trying to make up for my drinking in the past.
I will put myself first and foremost in a positive way and not feel guilt about these decisions.
Now to find something to do today
hi friends... back on the bike, literally and metaphorically, after a month or so away... wasn't able to pen many smiley faces..... mostly an x man..... there is a clear correlation between reading this forum and success - read it and i stand a chance. stop and it's game over.
John, Sylvane thanks for checking on me and my apologies for hiding...so frustrating not being able to muster the energy and will to put together a solid effort. 16 days in Japan were very enjoyable but it's just about impossible for me to be there and not drink. it's actually rather restrained drinking as their tolerance is pretty low by comparison. i even went to a funeral ceremony for my wife's grandfather and the buddhist priest was sipping a beer at lunch... it clearly made me aware of the fact that some people can do this in moderation and some cannot. how we cannots live in the midst of cans (or at least by outward appearances) is part of the challenge. it's just harder to binge there and going to a bar alone is not really what people do like here. hard to describe... maybe if i had grown up there i would have been different. oh well, we can't pick our birthplace so that's that. there's a small nip in the air here in SC and i can't wait for fall weather.
eric, i liked your post last week about "what's the point..".. very insightful and reminds me exactly of what i've been up to for the last month while stay away from the forum.
just caught up reading everyone's posts since early July.. hope you all are well. thanks to all of you....i missed you guys very much.
ps- hey Noel... good to see you back... SC is now well-represented..!
Hi all. I think that I've been disappeared for about 2 months now? Partly that was due to no internet, and partly that was due to my falling down the rabbit-hole again. I'm starting again. Today will be day one. I've been drinking daily for those past two months, I don't remember the last time I had a clean/sober day. Really. And that is just gross. So - to starting again and getting back on the bike and not feeling awful and not killing myself slowly by poison. And like Kip says - I need to come here and read and post everyday. Because whether I succeed or not, being here makes me feel aware and accountable.
Hi Mel, I think a lot of us have been down that rabbit hole there with you. Welcome back to the surface.
Kip, good to see you here as well.
Tere, Happy birthday. Keep doing what's right for you.
Great post, Samovar.
Last edited by ww43.; 11-15-2012 at 06:40 PM.
Hi Guys, its been a while but let me tell you it does my soul good to read some of the posts here. Everyone is still so supportive and caring, its wonderful. This is definately the spot to be in. We are birds of a feather - all of us but together we can change the colour of our feathers. We don't need alcohol to shine and be who we truly are. We just need a bit of trust in ourselves. We are worthy of everything and more!!!!
Today is day 233 for me. I found myself thinking the other day about chilling out with a coffee - when I realised what I was thinking about I saw there smiling like I'd won the lottery. I would have never believed that I would think - coffee/tea/iced chocolate or whatever would be a great way to relax. My normal state of mind would have naturally gone to a G & T or perhaps a nice Merlot, definately not non-alcoholic.
Just to prove it will happen, all you have to do is hang in there guys.
Remember - We will NOT drink TODAY.
good job and thanks for sharing your story.... it is not an easy path we are on and it is a daily struggle...I am so thankful for this site....it is so helpful for me to be able to read about other people's successes and even their failures...it helps me stay focused on the goal and keeps me realistic in my purpose. Welcome to our family!
What you describe makes me think of post-acute withdrawal, kimber. This article about it looks pretty good:
and thanks for this encouragement kimber:
'Relationships WILL change due to the fact that you no longer drink. At first it will be difficult but in time you will see that it actually becomes a healthier relationship. Remember, when we quit drinking it not only affects how we feel; it affects everyone else around us also. I have experienced the same with my family.'
because despair over this very issue has relapsed me before.
I can't (or don't want to) avoid my own father for the rest of my life. I can't drop him like a temporary drinking buddy. Yet some of his attitudes toward me are painful for me to see. Probably for me it is my father who is the biggest issue in this way, but I cannot blame him a bit. Any encouragement that with time I can 'live this down' is a great comfort.
Last edited by ww43.; 11-15-2012 at 06:40 PM.
Sue, congrats on 8 months plus, and JacquieC on 233/4 days (almost 8 months!), and Kimber you're coming up on 3 months now. The PAWS thing is a drag, but your body will keep healing, just be nice to yourself.
John, you're more than halfway thru the Halloween challenge now. I've been glad to see your posts. I've been meaning to ask what you're happiest with now that you're not drinking and what you miss the most.
When I ask myself the same questions, what was hardest for me to give up was oblivion, that I could always count on alcohol to get me there. (Never mind that the troubles didn't actually go away.) But it turns out that isn't what I miss the most. In fact I don't miss much, but perhaps what I miss is the anticipation of that first drink, how wonderful it will taste, the "fun" part that disappears instantly after I actually take that first drink and then drink my way through whatever is available to me.
What I'm happiest about is freedom, lightness, freedom from all that I'd go through every day to procure my alcohol and pound it down, freedom from the shame I'd feel after once again getting drunk after promising not to, freedom from all the crappy feelings, freedom from aftermath like having a quick startle response to just about any stimulus, blah, blah, blah. Just lightness. It feels really good.
That anticipation thing is my risk, I think. My she-devil is in hibernation, not gone. To awake her would take only a sip, I believe. One of the things I've learned here is there's a difference between thought and action. It goes both ways. I used to "think" about not drinking but not act on it. Then I'd "think" about drinking and it was always followed immediately by a drink. It took awhile to realize that it was only a thought and didn't have to be followed by a drinking action.
Anyway, I'm still here, still free, helped so much by y'all. Ken, I'm going to try one of those "I've been everywhere" posts (smile), so hi to you and the afore-mentioned Sue & Jacquie & Kimber, and Julie & Julieww43 & Tere & Billy & Christy & Ruth & Sally & Todd & Sylvane & Erin & Eric & Kimmy & Watersam & bdog & Serenty (Kay) & Jeff. And welcome samovar & furguson & Rexsander & Steve. And welcome back Kip & Mel! Yay! And where are you Ryan?? OK, and I know I missed people, hi all y'all - stop by and say hi, would ya?
Last edited by carol; 08-28-2012 at 01:11 PM.
Reason: Add names
Carol, thanks for sharing....I was trying to figure out what I actually "miss" or "want" about drinking when it always caused so much trouble and pain. And you are right, it's that she devil, "ooooohhhhhh, it would taste sooooooooo goooooood" You won't get drunk! Just one... ha ha ha. Thanks. Always nice to be reminded I'm not controlled by thoughts, they don't have to lead to action (drinking)
Thanks everyone for the welcome-backs / welcomes-back ... day 2. This week is going to be freaking hard as I have been sauced all summer and because I am facing the start of another school year (teaching, college-level). Erggghhh - it is the stress combined with the constant round of opening of the year parties, department stuff, etc. One of my colleagues has just finished a year sober in AA and his new girlfriend (a love connection I contrived) is the daughter of an alcoholic - the 'friend' that I was hanging out with at the end of the last year and most of the summer fed into my own self-destructive desires / need for booze. Here's to new friends with the kind of outlook I really need right now.