Made it through day four. It's the beginning of a new week. Day five today . . . one minute at a time.
Ditto Kip, not so good weekend for me. Had a glass of wine on friday with my dinner and stopped because it left me really tired. Saturday I don't know, it was a combination of anger and feeling really tired. I had 4 beers which made me again extremely tired so I stopped. I too put a BIG X for Friday & Saturday. This time I didn't put myself on that guilt trip. I just remembered the few days before I felt so much better! I think it was the days leading up to the weekend and telling myself " YOU WON'T DRINK" that made me want to drink even if it was just one. I sound like a child in my head. A rebellious child! Sunday was hot as hell here in Texas but I managed to get a walk in and drank plenty of water.
Kimber your post puts a smile on my face! I too have a daughter who doesn't seem to mind that her dad remarried but she likes me single and to herself when she visits. : )
wlinser welcome to SR. I look forward to reading your days of accomplishments. Good luck today!
liberte : )!!
Carol I saw a similar story, if not the same. Mades me stop and think and count my lucky stars!
Plan to keep using HALT to get me through this week.
ww43, good insights. Yeah, the emotional stuff keeps unfolding long past 30 days. Patrick's philosophy that not drinking isn't enough, there has to be spiritual growth as well, was a real eye-opener for me. Before I just tried to eliminate alcohol and changed nothing in my life, and no change = no change. It's uncomfortable but I a, finding the journey is worth it, so good for you embarking on it.
Re: the offsite or whatever your husband's company calls it. My job required me to do these things (and customer dinners, etc) and my husband was expected to accompany me. He called it "spouse duty". It really is required for you to attend to support him, even though it seems dumb and pointless, and a whole lotta drinking goes on. Let me know ahead of time when the next one is and I can suggest some coping strategies.
Kimber, I do agree that avoiding social situations involving drinking is a really good idea, and I skipped a reunion with college drinking friends last year for that reason. Unfortunately it's harder to get out of these work situations, so planning ahead for them is essential. I am really proud of you for avoiding your brother right now, since you know where that tends to lead - good for you! He knows you love him.
Freedom Day: 12/25/11
Day Five - check! Now for a good night's rest. It's been a v. long time since I've gone this long w/o a beer, and it feels good.
I have just found this very inspiring site to help in my quest to be free from alcohol! I have been a problem drinker for 30 years, growing up in an alcoholic home and being not a daily drinker but more of a stress/binge style drinker. This has brought me nothing but trouble as my personality changes and I have had very scary blackouts on only 1 bottle of vino...I am ashamed to admit that I have drunk and driven in a blackout and that memory still haunts. I did manage to have 4 years sobriety after my divorce but then involved myself with an alcoholic man and found myself back drinking with much remorse and hangovers afterwards.
I have since moved away from him to start a new life but I have not managed as yet to STAY stopped..drinking has much improved as I can stop at 1 sometimes..but all that does is keep the obsession alive so I expectantly look forward to the next and still overuse as a coping mechanism for a bad day. My life seems to stand still when I have alcohol in my system and I am sooo much better without it as I think my brain has an allergy as it doesnt take very much for me to react to the effects and the aftereffects of depression/anxiety are not pleasant.
I am currently on day 16 of no alcohol/sugar and really want to stay stopped this time as so sick of the merry go around ..problem being that I am haunted by the thought that I can drink again as sometimes I can control it to 1 or 2..so sick of this! PS I really want to break this family curse for my four children! Can anyone relate to my drinking pattern?
Thankyou Kimber for your understanding reply! Congratulations on your 20 days! Yes I am truly going to try to do things differently this time although I must say it seems like a long and daunting road and I am praying for a miracle to keep me on the sobriety path as not wishing to sound negative but I have failed so many times..My problem is that if I am out and "under scrutiny" sometimes I can stop at 1 drink and that is where my difficulty lies as is like a gamble sometimes win and other times massively lose! I do know that I am in bondage to this poison as my brain is deeply attached to it..oh for a miracle to lose the mental obsession. I have been to AA but dont really feel I fit in ..thinking should go back though and at the very least mix with people who are on the quest to live free from this poison. I also have moved away from my family (about 1 hour to a rural location) and although I work, I spend a lot of time on my own which i suppose is a good thing as it puts me in touch with myself without distraction of relationship as I am also recovering from my last very unhealthy relationship!
even though i drank 2 cocktails tonight, i'm back. i'm not feeling great about myself, but i'm not drunk, and so i'm not feeling terrible. i'm usually a bottle of (white) wine a night drinker and while the idea of giving up EVERYTHING is still really hard for me, i feel confident that i *can* give up wine (a real trigger for me) and work with that for right now.
as for being here, i'm lurking around the edges, stealing bits of inspiration and hope for tomorrow even though i don't feel entitled to them. i hope you all can stand me, and perhaps offer some encouragement instead of judgement. i had an experience last week with a friend who gave me an earful of advice that i've tried really hard to hear as concern but keep feeling judged by: "get a roommate, change therapists, look at your drinking, start dating again," she said. so, tomorrow when i see her i need to tell her that her comment wasn't comforting and in fact just made me want to hide more from her. i have been struggling and that's been hard but when she judges me, i don't want her to know that i'm lonely and have forgotten my best self; that i've accumulated a stack of bad habits over the years that i'm shocked by and ashamed of. from a one-down position, it's hard to ask for love and acceptance which is exactly what i need as i change at a pace-- with all the foibles, mistakes, learning, setbacks and ultimately triumph(!) --- that i can manage. luckily, i have another friend who's a soulmate who's supporting me, accepting me, and loving me even with all my warts as i engage in this discourse/experience around drinking. in the past, i have given up smoking and very disordered eating, including starving, then bingeing and purging, so i know i can do this eventually. the main problem is that restricting, bingeing, and purging were all things i did so privately and there's much more social engagement around drinking that i'll need to figure out how to talk about with people as i retire from being the (loving & boozy) life of the party. but that part can hold for now... just need to keep focusing on finding a place in my life where i can migrate back to a stronger more grounded version of myself that can tolerate uncertainty, and stay slower, and more grounded. and yes, yoga is really really helping!
thanks for the community.
Oh god!! yogajunkie I can relate!!!!! I too have been having a few drinks but not to the point of drunkenness but know it's not me. Where did my strength go before my divorce 3yrs ago? I feel my life is a failure up to this point. I seem to not be able to relate to anybody on this site accept, Kimber whom went through a lot of similar life challenges as me yet seems to have the strength to make a difference now. Everybody seems to have goals, inspiration to live life and a reason to quit drinking. I have no strength left. I just keep reading, moving & keeping busy throughout the day. Hoping something will click for me. I'm so lonely and starving for healthy friends. I'm so sad all the time with only moments of joy.
Thanks for listening SR friends!
thanks jill for relating. i was worried that i'd log on this morning to finger wagging and shaming, both of which i give myself plenty of so don't need more of, so was comforted by your post!
it's nice to be able to talk openly, confess, wonder, and be myself here. right now, i'm not feeling like there are too many safe places to inch through this territory.
Freedom Day: 12/25/11
yogajunkie, I'm glad you're here and it's the last place you're likely to find finger pointing or shaming. We have all been there. We are all just one drink away from sinking into the quicksand of addiction. Stick with us and keep posting.
Kimber, I also wish you had kept some of your older posts here for some to see the transformation. The change is dramatic and I am so happy that you've been able to get to the light at the end of the tunnel. Your uncertainty has turned to resolve and your self-doubt to ccnfidence. It's a beautiful thing to see.
Life can be simple and beautiful once the fog has lifted. I wish all of you a day of clarity. Love yourself and be grateful that you have another day to start fresh.
Wow, great post Kimber,..it sounds like you are doing so well. Isn't it amazing what getting a few weeks under your belt and getting some distance and great perspective of what your new life can be like,..will do for you? (I told you ;-). It continually amazes me how much less drama and just how much more positive our overall outlook on life gets when we are sober,..and how "little blessings" just seem to happen.
YJ, thanks for posting,..and you won't get any finer wagging around here,..and I assume you might have posted before you read Kimber's post,..because I can see you definitly relating to her and what she has gone through,..and that it IS possible to come out better for it on the other side.
One thing I will say,..as a guy,..and recently there are many more women/girls/ladies on this site than men (or that post at least),..a couple of obeservations I always make. I definitly don't want to generalize but it seems like alcohol and alcoholism has a couple of really commen themes with almost all of you. Self esteem and personal confidence takes a major hit and seems/feels impossible to rebuild,...wine is a MAJOR weakness and defenitly isn't as innocent and glamorous as it looks,..and that social settings,..ie parties, family gatherings, wine tastings, girl's night outs etc. seem to be real triggers and sources of anxiety. I'm sure these things affect some guys also,..and there are women that don't struggle with any of these,..just a few things I notice from the dude perspective. There appears to be a large group of you girls that can and should really, really relate to each other.
The great thing is that there are people like Carrol, Sue, Christy (Hell, she's a bartender), Ruth (where are you?) and others here who's success stories that I have followed,..that were RIGHT where you are (go back and read),..and now you can see the strength and confidence..and wisdom exude from their posts now that they are sober and free to live. Something to think about and discuss at least. Am I way off here ladies?...or is there something to this?
Edit: Sue,..wow, you were right on time with that one. I posted before I read yours..and as usual you couldn't have said it any better.
Last edited by kevin2; 06-27-2012 at 08:01 AM.
Day Six is in the books. Trying to make it a week today. Beautiful day here. Time to get out for a walk.
yogajunkie I was afraid to log on as well. I didn't want someone to say "get a few sober days under your belt before posting again." I look to the comments here at SR for inspiration, a mutual understanding and tools that others are using to stay sober.
Kimber once again thank you for your insight and the pick me up! I think I'll go out to get some lemon aid to make. We have everything else in common. : )
kevin2 I do go back and read a lot of old post. They are stories that brings me hope that I too can rebuild my life without the dependence of alcohol. Not to sound to forward but your comment sounded like you don't have the patience to hear a "New" females cry for help. It is my opinion that alcohol does lower a females confidence and self esteem but in most cases a females confidence and self esteem took a major hit in her younger years as a child.
wlinser enjoy your walk and may the sun always shine upon you.
Off to enjoy my grandchildren today and buy some lemon aid.
Not at all Jill,..that is not what I meant in the least. Concepts like that are almost impossible to have come accross the way you intend with typing,..but still not sure how you came away with that,..but I do apologize if it came across that way. I've been reading and posting on this board for a year or more now,..and I guess what I was trying to point out is that I tend to notice a few very commen themes and issues that alot (most it seems) female posters here encounter and deal with. It's not a judgement of any kind,..just pointing out that many of you seem to have alot in commen and can really relate and help each other,..because the posters I mentioned have been there and done that and are a wealth of knowlege to draw from and are always willing to help.
Originally Posted by Jill
As I said,..I may be way off,..just something I thought I'd mention as a guy.
Last edited by kevin2; 06-27-2012 at 08:55 AM.
Freedom Day: 12/25/11
Kevin, I do agree with you that women alcoholics often share issues that can differ from those of men, and your feedback shows insight. We tend to suffer from low self-esteem (as I'm sure many men do) and yes, wine seems to be a big draw! Our culture paints the image of a woman with a wine glass as being oh-so-elegant, attractive and sophisticated. What a crock of shit. Wine is just grapes gone bad, ladies. If wine is your weakness, go to the store today and buy a good quality 100% grape juice, white, red or purple, and have that in your wine glass this evening. The ritual of drinking was an integral part of my addiction and you don't have to give up lifting a glass to your lips as long as it's alcohol-free.
Jill, I think Kevin is only trying to be helpful and not passing any judgement at all on women here, past, present or future.
I also don't recall ever seeing a post asking folks to not post until they have a few days of sobriety under their belt. I know some people decide for themselves to back off for awhile, but there is no pressure to do so.
All are welcome, of any gender and at any stage of the struggle!
Thanks Sue,..that is exactly what I meant,..and yes you are right on with the cultural reference to wine,...and it's very similar to the way beer is portrayed to men.
Last edited by kevin2; 06-27-2012 at 09:07 AM.
thanks all for the acceptance & forgiveness in this space. good to meet you jill, john, kimber, midwest sue, and ken2. don't have time to write a lot now but just had a lovely breakfast with a friend from college that i'd lost touch with. it was nice to be with her and be reminded of what she liked about me then and the person i still am underneath my bad behavior and habits with alcohol. i've forgotten a lot of the good stuff about myself. more later, YJ.
Last edited by yogajunkie; 06-27-2012 at 09:43 AM.
Reason: forgot jill!