My anxiety level is through the roof!! I have been awake since 4:00 a.m., got up at 7:30 and started to study. It's 5:00 here and I literally have been studying ALL day. My back is aching. Not a fun way of spending a beautiful Saturday. I am really glad there is no alcohol in the house and that my husband is home. Time to meditate and pray, but I need to cry first.
Hey Gang,
I made tonight without drinking.
My husband and I went to dinner and y'all should have heard the arguement going on in my head...Devil said drink (just one or two) Angel said order a cranberry juice with a splash of Sprite and two limes so I did. Despite my aweful anxiety today, I made it, but that glass chardonney at the table beside us was a real test cuase it looked oh so good.
I am safely home with my husband and no alcohol in the house. I am putting on my jammies and watching a movie with my hubby and two dogs. Kids are spending the night with grandparents!!
I can wake up morning cleared headed and ready to take an online practice exam.
It sounds like a lot of y'all have plans tonight that might by tempting. Heck, the weekends alone are tough. Have fun and I pray that the Angel wins out for everyone
Hi you guys! This is my big work weekend driving 500 miles delivering a local publication all over three counties. I used to own it and now I distribute it once a month. There is a lot of 'think time' available while I'm doing this due to a lot of lengthy rural driving to get from here to there. It was interesting to think about how we all have one thing in common and how there are so many different triggers that led us to the same path of cleaning up our act. Yesterday I stopped at our library and just took my time browsing books. I ran across 'Party of One - The Loner's Manifesto' by Anneli Rufus. I've only read the intro, but I think it's going to really help me define my behavior. I'm not a hermit by any means, but have struggled and had anxiety for years thinking I was mental because I didn't want to socialize in large groups on a regular basis. The irony is I like people and what they have to share. In the past I'd have to drink to get ready for parties and drink after to alleviate the energy consumption. Hooray for more self-understanding. On my way home today, it crossed my mind to stop for a beer, but that's all it was - just a thought. No wrestling match like the last two times.
Ken - thanks for the prayer! My friend's husband had a mild heart attack, was flown to the big city, given a stent and is home feeling good. Through all of this, my friend was so consumed she didn't even mention my note to her telling her I fell off the wagon and that's why I disappeared. Good!
Sue - sorry about your step-mom's pancreatic cancer. What a cool thing you did by financing that trip for them! One good related thing about the snarly jobs we do. We can use part of our paychecks for generosity that means so much to others. Have a wonderful time!
Noel - I know it's been tough for you, but look where you are now! I'm cracking up over the visual of the angel and the devil. I've tried to use that scenario comedically the couple of times I've been wrestling with temptation. There is safety for me when I put the jammies on. That's when I know I made it another day.
Beth - I've never been a hard-liquor drinker, so I have no suggestions on mixers w/out booze, but here's yet another book I pulled out from my old not drinking days. 'The Ultimate Liquor-Free Drink Guide' by Sharon Tyler Herbst. (sorry, I know I shouldn't be using this space for book titles).
Welcome liberte and Molly! And hi ToddE and Priscilla. Priscilla, are you noticing it's even more beautiful out there sober? Great job on the run!
I miss CeeCee!
Ok, off to figure out where I'm going to plant the monster lavender bush my friend gave me.
Thinking of you all!
Priscilla, definitely forgive yourself and let go of the past. It can't be changed no matter how much you worry about it, so stop giving it energy. Cry if you need to, you probably used to drown those feelings with alcohol and now you are really living! I'm with Noel, good luck working through your stuff.
Molly, welcome back and best of luck to you on your journey.
tinabela, glad to hear your friend is OK. I like to listen to books while driving too, so much better to use that time to learn rather than just wasting it. Isolation is a common theme among drinkers, I did it to be certain that nothing would come between me and my precious drinking time and I think it's great you recognized it. On triggers, I used to have a long list until I read Beth's, now I use hers. Here it is: my trigger=everything. My AV can turn any event, good or bad, into a reason to drink, celebrate or drown your sorrows. Thanks for that one Beth!
Have a great morning everyone.
Last edited by Ken1; 06-03-2012 at 02:45 PM.
"Life is 10 percent what you make it, and 90 percent how you take it. "
-- Irving Berlin
Day 3 done. check.
Hello everyone. I've been reading your posts twice a day because I love hearing the revelations that come when people quit drinking. I really messed up by drinking last Wed. because I lost that glorious clear-headedness that I long for. I fell into despair, drank again Fri., then had an epiphany: I'm wasting my life. Everything I did this weekend could have been done with that LIGHT that comes from me when I'm not hung over. Instead, I felt more like a black hole. I take everything in and mix it up with my own misery, then spit hatred back out at the universe. Enough. I want sobriety more than I've ever wanted anything and I will not give up until it is mine. Beth, I needed to hear the childbirth analogy. It is going to be hard, but worth it. Do the hard work of riding out the cravings, rest and gather more strength to get through the next one, then before you know it you have a beautiful new life that you wouldn't give up for anything. Count me onboard the train, heading to day 3 tomorrow.
Are we all ok?
John, thank you for the link. Sad to say that alcohol was not my problem with weight. You get pretty skinny on just alcohol. I have put on some weight since this journey started. But I am niot going to let that sabotage my recovery. I checked the site out and yes it seems pretty easy to use. So I'm ready.
Welcome Liberte! Ready, set, go.... June is our month. Mind over matter. Even though sometimes this forum seems like a cheerleading squad that has it's mind buried in all happy happy's, this is truly the hardest thing I have ever done. IT IS NOT EASY. It is extremely hard. Especially for someone like me. I always said I am happy. I love being happy. I love making people happy. But the truth was at the end of the day I hated myself for how miserable I had become. Every part of me had been sucked away by the alcohol. Sure I was a functional alcoholic...... not! I'm sure people thought that but I was a mess! So I am on this train not because I want to be but because I need to be!
Tinabela, thank you for the book idea. All wrapped up in one place. I like it.
Priscella, Noel, CeeCee we have accomplished so much! A morning/ day sober is the best reward for the pain of white knuckling through. It is also my reward for the past damage I have done to myself. Yesterday I spent fifty dollars on myself! That was after I told myself fifty times I deserve it for not drinking.....plus it was my security to not drink yesterday. I made a deal that if I spent the fifty then I would not have the money for alcohol....it worked!
Ken, Trigger=Everything! Here's another one, Drink= Trouble! My dad would say that repeatedly to me....... How true how true! Even home drinking alone I can't tell you how many times tvs were left on, doors wide open or unlocked..... Scary stuff.
Hope we are all ok and we find the wisdom to stay sober. Even if SR is not the right place for you. That you find the tools needed to recover in your own way. Never quit quitting on yourself and for yourself.
Good morning! I am ok, Beth, and thanks for asking!
My nephew's wedding on Saturday was simply lovely. Most of my time was spent focused on my parents and making sure they were taken care of. None of my time was spent waiting for the next chance to fill my glass. We left before the real partying began, which was fine with me. There was an abundance of wine and champagne on the dinner tables. With a majority of non-drinkers at our table, we asked for and received a non-alcoholic sparkling beverage alternative and it was delicious.
I observed the young people (20-30 yrs old) enjoying themselves and realized that I'm ok not being one of them. Drinking didn't keep me young. Old alcoholics aren't as attractive as they think they are. I don't need to be the "cool" aunt. I watched my 32-year-old son overindulge, knowing that his journey is his alone. But this time I didn't encourage his drinking by participating.
On Sunday morning my husband and I rode bikes for an hour. Ahh, that's what youth feels like. Not tossing back drink after drink and laughing at jokes that won't be remembered the next day.
Is it possible that at age 57 I'm finally growing up?
Priscilla, your full week of sobriety is a huge accomplishment!!
Congratulations and have a great sober day!
Midwest Sue, you ALWAYS say something to inspire me. I just had the very deep thought that I am not young anymore and actually look kind of creepy as an alcoholic. MY time in the sun is over. I have wisdom. I recognize my body's limits. I have higher goals. So many things that steer me away from alcohol. Thanks again for another great post!
Hi All, and welcome new people. I have been fighting this the last couple of weeks. I promised my self a good summer and have not started yet. Maybe today will be the start of that good summer. I cant keep falling back or I wont remember the summer somewhat like the spring that I dont remember half of.
day 1. again. sigh...
This is going to be an important week. I feel like its now or never for me because I'm working with all the determination I possess. I will be getting plenty of exercise reorganizing the house to accomodate the non-stop action that life will become when my 5 & 6 year old boys get out of school for the summer on Fri. Talk about needing to be clear-headed and calm! With a 6 month old about to start crawling and a husband out on the boat 5 days&nights a week, there is no more room for mistakes. I'm glad I've started a journal. When I succeed, I'll be able to see just how far I've come. Midwest Sue, how cool that you're feeling more youthful now than when downing drink after drink. Truely appreciating how good it feels to be sober is enpowering. Can't remember who mentioned the influence of music, but so true; as a Cash, Waylon, & Willie kind of girl I hear both rock bottom and recovery coming through. If only I had learned more from other's mistakes. I think we probably learn more from other's successes, a thought that might make a world of difference in my boy's lives.
Don' t sigh yoga junkie rejoice that you recognize what YOU really want and that is why it is day one again!
yoga junkie.
dont give up. I have never given up but you learn things from day 1 ones.
Day one for me too. The time I spent not drinking these past three days was time spent sick in bed. You call this living? What a terrible waste of a weekend. I even had to "call in sick" for a golf tournament on a beautiful sunny day. One of my favorite things to do and I'm even ruining that. I hope I finally proven to myself that it just doesn't work for me anymore. Today is trash day. I thought I was done hearing the sonic boom of wine bottles being emptied from the recycling bin! Oh, well. Happy Monday. Stay strong, everyone!
Day two for me and I am still having major panic attacks about my latest binge. I can't handle having blank spots from the night and not knowing what I have said/done. It really spins me out and I obsess for days over it (I live in a small town so I worry that everyone is talking about me or I have said the wrong thing). I am really trying to let it go but not succeeding. Any advice would be really helpful at the moment.
Makettle, you've got company. My first post was the day I (hopefully) hit my rock bottom, a beyond humiliating experience in front of my husband's family that I barely remember, still obsess over, and can't stand my drunken self for. Its a big motivation to stay sober when you've gone so far beyond what you really stand for, who you really are. They may be talking about you, and there is no better way to quiet them (and your conscious) than by attaining the inner peace and beauty that comes with sobriety; I'm no expert, I'm where you are, but we're in the right place. We can change our lives.
Thank you Priscilla and CeeCee. I think that I have learnt from previous binges but then I go and repeat the pattern. CeeCee - I crave inner peace and a quiet mind - my head goes nuts after a binge (does that make sense?) Anyway, thank you both. I am not the best at putting thoughts into words but I appreciate knowing that you understand.
Day 4 done...check:]
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