How to stop drinking

[Ken1]

I was talking with a friend of mine this morning about several issues such as setting boundaries between ourselves and work and it made me think of some things I wanted to discuss.

I think the starting point of making changes in our lives, even before making the decision to do so is getting mad. I mean getting really pissed off about something to the point where we realize that we are no longer going to tolerate it in our lives anymore. There is a scene from an old movie called "Network" where the lead character opens his window, sticks his head out, and shouts to the world, "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore!"

We do this with jobs we hate, relationships that have become unhealthy or run their course, places we live, and so on, and it hit me today that we need to apply this to alcohol! How long would we tolerate a friend or job that reeks such havoc in our lives, causes such misery and suffering, is so unhealthy to the point it is literally killing us, and that we realize is never going to do anything but get worse?

I think the answer is that we must develop a burning desire to change. We all have within us the capacity for greatness, but we have chosen to ignore it and in many cases to quiet it with alcohol. We have to make a decision to get well and to achieve the lives we all want and deserve. We have to have faith that our new life will be better and be persistent in chasing our new goals. We have to stomp out that fear that we will slip or that it will be too hard or that it might not be better. We have to train our subconscious to resist the last gasps of "It" trying to keep us down by constantly focusing on where we are going verses just existing and going through the motions of life which is where drinking keeps us.

We have to deal with these things at this point, but I believe that just recognizing them in ourselves is the key to defeating them: Indifference, Indecision, Worry, Over-Caution, and Procrastination.

I am reminded of an old sales technique called "the Ben Franklin close." You take a piece of paper and draw a line down the center and another line across the top of it. On one side you write "Pros" and on the other write "Cons". Do two of these, one for drinking and one for not drinking. Really try to come up with all the reasons you are for and against each. I did this and learned a lot about myself. I have it in my journal and have discovered that when I'm feeling an urge, it will remind me why I quit in the first place.

So to wrap it up, I guess what I'm saying is that you need to get mad at alcohol and all the carnage it has piled up in your life as a starting point of making the choice to get sober. It's pretty easy to do when you start honestly looking at it.

[Midwest Sue]

Thank you, Ken, for a thoughtful post. There are so many things that others might do to us that we would never tolerate, but we allow our addictions to bring us down. I love the idea of keeping pro/con lists handy.

[nomoredayones]

Today is day 4. I feel so down and hopeless. I have been getting through work and coming home and going to sleep. :-(

[bdog]

nomoredayones, hang in there. im on day 4 also. and yes when I get home from work it is everything i can do to walk, work on my yard and most of all try to keep moving. i have been going to bed much early than i should but i keep trying to find ways to stay awake little longer. anyway sleeping early is better than waking up with a hangover and feeling worse. it does get better it just takes time. hang in there with me.

[JeffR1]

Hi everyone. To pick up on a point from Ken’s post about training our subconscious, I’ve been thinking of posting some things I’ve noticed recently about my thinking which has been beneficial to me.

Some here may be familiar with me talking about staying in the present and not getting caught up in the past or the future. It is said that the only thing in life we can control is our current thought, thus the present is all we have. In many ways I think staying present is also about training, or retraining, the subconscious.

In the early days of my sobriety I consciously and deliberately sought to change my thoughts away from drinking to thoughts that supported my sobriety. It wasn’t easy I will admit and I had to keep at it, but over time it did start to become more manageable.

What I have noticed lately is instead of thinking about that first drink during the afternoon, the thought that is coming up now is one of enjoying a nice cup of coffee when I get home from work!

When I get home I make a point of making my coffee just how I like it and then sit comfortably and relax and enjoy the coffee. During this time I might reflect over my day – without passing judgment or condemnation of myself or the events of the day. I might also think about what to prepare for dinner.

Basically, I use this time to enjoy my coffee and just ‘be’, unwind, refocus and ease into the evening. It has become my new routine now and I much prefer it to getting those few drinks in to get a buzz on and ‘check out’ for the day!

So what I have noticed is that my thoughts are now becoming more ‘automatic’, but in a positive way that supports my sobriety.

The other thing I have noticed is how much I enjoy going to bed sober and waking up with a clear head. I find I really look forward to easing into bed with some calming relaxation music quietly playing in the background. Pardon the corniness, but I must admit I enjoy snuggling into the comfortableness of the bed and the peacefulness I feel by relaxing into sleep while slowing my breathing.

Again, this was something I consciously and deliberately did to help change my thoughts and change my routine. Now I notice I look forward to going to bed and getting into that peaceful state of slumber. Likewise, I really love waking in the morning feeling good and being clear-headed.

I have come to hold close and value those feelings I experience of sleep and waking without alcohol, so in a sense, as I choose to change my thoughts and focus on these aspects instead, I believe I am also re-training my subconscious.

It’s now starting to be that I value that peacefulness more highly so that should the thought of drinking cross my mind, it’s like I’m less willing to allow alcohol to take that pleasure away from me.

These are only a couple of things I have been doing to help me through, and now with practice, they seem to be becoming more of the norm for me. They help me in so many ways and I feel more and more that I am in charge of my thoughts and my actions. Every day that I am sober, my unwillingness to allow alcohol into my life increases and I grow stronger.

I encourage everyone who is struggling to actively practice changing your thoughts. Like the saying: ‘Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change’!

Perhaps you can think of a couple of things you would like to focus on and begin changing how you think about these things. I’d recommend you associate feelings with your thoughts as this seems to amplify their power.

So, if it’s a coffee after work, really get into it in your mind. Think about how the coffee smells, how it tastes as you sip the coffee, and that ‘ah’ sound after you take a sip. Think about how relaxed you feel, unwinding after the day and just letting all the stress ease out of your body.

Changing your thoughts is like physical exercise – it takes practice. But, I can tell you it is so worth it! Take care everyone. Have a great sober day.

[Midwest Sue]

Well said, Jeff, about the joy to be found in changing habits.

I was thinking on the way to work this morning just how thankful I am for many of the small gifts of sobriety. I'd like to suggest that we all join in an exercise I'm calling Thankful Thursday. (To our friends in Australia, please participate even though it is Friday in your parts.)

Today I'm thankful for:
-Looking in the mirror and seeing a different face: skin with color, clear eyes, a look of serenity instead of anguish. With a bit of makeup it's not half bad for an old gal!

-Having a job that engages my mind, even though I complain about it

-Having housework to do, because it means I have a house to live in

-My health. I think I stopped the abuse of my body before I did permanent damage!

I'm especially thankful for all of the people in this community! I can come here and know that I'm not alone in my journey.

No matter where you are on this path -- whether today is Day 1 or Day 150 -- I'm guessing that if you're reading this you have something to be thankful for today.

Please share!

Sue

[kevin2]

Great post Sue,...you have such a great attitude and perspective on things,..it makes me wonder how you were ever a beatendown drunk (no offense) ;-) It goes to show each of us what is possible when your mind clears and you truly get a handle on things. I really try to do the things that you and Jeff are talking about,..and really try to appreciate and be thankful for all of the little but wonderful things that come with living sober,..just this morning as I was making pancakes at 6:45 am getting ready to wake the 4 kids up for school,..I was thinking how great it is to feel good and to be well rested. School mornings were always a struggle to get through with a hangover,..and now it's the best part of my day,..plus I'm getting to work a half-an-hour early, so off earlier in the evenings. Just one of the benifits.

Have a great day folks!

[Julie]

Sue ... I'm thankful for people like you, Jeff, Ken and others who post so thoughtfully and make me feel less alone in this struggle -- and suggest tools for success in the battle. I will thankfully engage in each moment of today and practice becoming more consciously aware of the beauty available to us in sobriety. The simple act of savoring a cup of coffee is more enjoyable than the queasiness of a drunk .... for that I am thankful!

[Midwest Sue]

"it makes me wonder how you were ever a beatendown drunk (no offense) ;-)"

LOL Kevin! No offense taken.
The truth, as we all know, is that addiction can take over the lives of even the most enlightened.
When it does, it dims the light.
With recovery, the light is allowed to shine once again.

[loopy]

Thank you all fellow human beings. I am new in recovery about 5 weeks, I was on cloud 9 when I first stopped. Of course then I was so grateful to be given an opportunity to start over. A chance to make things right and keep what was good about my life. How quickly I forget to be grateful. How quickly I forgot what my mission is, sobriety. It was mentioned earlier that we stop maturing when we become active alcoholics. So about 10 years of progressive alcoholism and my maturity is terribly stunted. I am at least now more aware of my thoughts and my self centred behaviour. I still feel those feelings of insecurity and blaming but I am trying to catch them in a proverbial net and just abandon them.
they are what led me to drink excessively. I relate to how now that I am not drowning my emotions , but feeling them is quite overpowering at times. I just try to let myself feel the emotions and then not react to them but just say a quiet prayer to my higher power to acknowledge that I want to let that feeling go. Resentment is a big one for me, how unfair people are to me, I am so unlucky, resentment fills me with anger and that feeling is powerful, now I read some AA literature, someones "story" or my daily reflections and it helps me to jsut get through the moment and out of myself. I am a bit long winded hope that makes sense to someone else.

[Sally]

loopy - it makes perfect sense...one of my favorite quotes hanging near my computer is "There is something beautiful about every emotional state. It's o.k. to feel." When we first stop drinking - it may take weeks - those emotions start flooding back in. And as someone on this site said, you need to just go with them, ride them out, feel what you're feeling and then move on...it's getting easier with every day that I stay sober.

great posts of gratitude - I am grateful that I can type this post without having to close one eye and use one finger (LOL)....and I am especially grateful for Patrick, this site, all of you and getting my life back....big hugs to all of you - stay strong - and never quit quitting:]

[Kimmy]

Hello Everyone,

Today is day 12. I have never counted before so I can't tell you how many times I have stopped and started again. Somehow counting the days makes it more real to me and makes me acknowlege that I have a problem and I am a alcoholic. It has taken me years to admit that out loud except to myself. I have been doing alot of thinking lately and one thing that always comes to mind is that I have to love myself first, dont get me wrong I do like myself but they say you have to love yourself first to take care of yourself. That for my has always been a problem. I always put other people first. kid, family, freinds, anyone who needs help I am there, so you see I know I am good, but it is like a double edge sword, I never really loved myself because deep down I didn't like myself because I drank. I had an imperfection.

My mother always tells me to " put yourself first because we all know what number two smells like. lol. I think she makes a point. So part of my recovery is to start putting myself first. Not drinking is the first step. I think we all struggle with this problem. Part of the reason I never did was I didn't feel I was good enought because of my " little problem."

I came across a quote the other day, unknown author, It doesn't really pertain to drinking but I think it could apply.

An old Cherokee told his grandson
"My son, there's a battle between two wolves inside us all.
One is Evil.
It's anger, jelousy, greed, resentment, inferiority, lies and ego.
The other is Good.
It's joy, peace, love, hope, humility, kindness and truth."
The boy thought about it and asked:
" Grandfather, which wolf wins?"
The old man quietly replied:
" The one you feed "
I love reading posts everynight before I go to sleep I read a page or two, it really helps me. Thank you all, I am so grateful for you all.

[kevin2]

...That reminds me of the wise advice given to a young Ricky Bobby,..."son, if you ain't first...you're last." lol

I will say that putting yourself first is a must in the early part of recovery,...until you get a handle on things, but then it is important (according to alot of Patrick's articles),..to later shift your focus to helping and making a difference with others once you advance in later recovery. To stop focusing on self and how "I" feel all of the time. This is true with me and I'm sure commen with most addicts,..to be self-absorbed,..thus the constant need for instant gratification with drinking or drugs,..so "I" can feel the way "I" want, whenever "I" want. Just a thought...

Kevin

[bdog]

Ricky Bobby! thats my laugh for the day. thanks kevin2!!

[Midwest Sue]

Kimmy,
You are doing great and you are absolutely right about needing to really take care of yourself and love yourself right now.

I hate to generalize, but I think that many women have a tendency to leave themselves behind when they enter the caregiver role. We might rely on alcohol as compensation for all of the time and attention spent on others, but then guilt takes over and it's a vicious cycle.

Since you neglected nurturing Kimmy (booze doesn't count as nurturing, even if you stick a nipple on the bottle!), you may need to go back and do that before you can move forward.

I also love the quote. The wolf you feed is the wolf that wins. Feed the good one.

Take care and have a lovely, sober Friday night all!

P.S. I have a little trick I'd like to share. Every night this week before drifting off to sleep I've said to myself, "today was better than yesterday, and tomorrow will be better still!"
Guess what? It has been true!

[WillOvercome]

Feeling pretty disgusted with myself. Made it 13 days and last evening stumbled. Starting again for day 1 tomorrow morning. I can do this and the story and support on this site have been helping. Kimmy great job. I hope to someday be where Midwest Sue & Jeff are. You are both inspiring. Thanks for the positive posts.

[James G]

I was talking with a friend of mine this morning about several issues such as setting boundaries between ourselves and work and it made me think of some things I wanted to discuss.

I think the starting point of making changes in our lives, even before making the decision to do so is getting mad. I mean getting really pissed off about something to the point where we realize that we are no longer going to tolerate it in our lives anymore. There is a scene from an old movie called "Network" where the lead character opens his window, sticks his head out, and shouts to the world, "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore!"

We do this with jobs we hate, relationships that have become unhealthy or run their course, places we live, and so on, and it hit me today that we need to apply this to alcohol! How long would we tolerate a friend or job that reeks such havoc in our lives, causes such misery and suffering, is so unhealthy to the point it is literally killing us, and that we realize is never going to do anything but get worse?

I think the answer is that we must develop a burning desire to change. We all have within us the capacity for greatness, but we have chosen to ignore it and in many cases to quiet it with alcohol. We have to make a decision to get well and to achieve the lives we all want and deserve. We have to have faith that our new life will be better and be persistent in chasing our new goals. We have to stomp out that fear that we will slip or that it will be too hard or that it might not be better. We have to train our subconscious to resist the last gasps of "It" trying to keep us down by constantly focusing on where we are going verses just existing and going through the motions of life which is where drinking keeps us.

We have to deal with these things at this point, but I believe that just recognizing them in ourselves is the key to defeating them: Indifference, Indecision, Worry, Over-Caution, and Procrastination.

I am reminded of an old sales technique called "the Ben Franklin close." You take a piece of paper and draw a line down the center and another line across the top of it. On one side you write "Pros" and on the other write "Cons". Do two of these, one for drinking and one for not drinking. Really try to come up with all the reasons you are for and against each. I did this and learned a lot about myself. I have it in my journal and have discovered that when I'm feeling an urge, it will remind me why I quit in the first place.

So to wrap it up, I guess what I'm saying is that you need to get mad at alcohol and all the carnage it has piled up in your life as a starting point of making the choice to get sober. It's pretty easy to do when you start honestly looking at it.

Ken, you are spot on in a lot of ways here. For me this has been my calling card. I am mad and I'm not letting "IT" control me..."End of Story" When someone or something has tempted me I have either shouted out to myself or out load a profound... "HELL NO"

This anger has become more apparent to me as my days turn into months. I will be damned if I will let a slip happen now because of someone or something!. Those accumulative days are extremely precious to me and I will do everything in my control to keep on moving forward to stay alcohol free.

Artist Eminiem doesn't hold back and really delivers this powerful message in the song link below. I must warn you that some might find the language offensive, but if you can get past a few words of profanity and listen to what he's saying it's the same message I believe Ken is trying to say. Either way it's been the attitude that's worked for me!

Good luck all in your daily journey. . .

http://youtu.be/j5-yKhDd64s

[Kat]

Great posts!
I allowed myself to be in an environment today where drinks were flowing. I said maybe just a beer. When i sat with it in my hands I felt uneasy. I did take 2 sips but felt so sick about it I stopped. I thought about all of you and the horror of another day 1.
So thanks everyone for giving me strength to stop. I am not proud of giving in and taking 2 sips but very happy I found strength to walk away and stop.

[Ken1]

James, I cleaned up my language a little before posting that, but you are exactly right about what I meant.

You can't be lukewarm about wanting to quit drinking or about making any huge changes in your life. "Well, I guess it would probably be good if I stopped drinking" ain't going to cut it. "Hell no!" is right! I'll be damned if I let alcohol ruin one more second of the precious short time I have left on this planet. "It" has no place in my life anymore and is hereby banished from my life and I'm cutting off all communications with "It". As of now, we are divorced.

Patrick talks about taking massive action, but my point was before you can take that step, you have to be so fed up, so fighting mad, that you feel like putting your fist through a wall or screaming at the top of your lungs. When you get to that point of having a burning desire for something, you are going to succeed.

Nothing is more important to me than my health and sobriety and I will not tolerate anything that challenges either for one second ever again! I am free!

[bdog]

eeeerily quiet today. hope everyone is doing well and hanging in there. feel good tomorrrow!!!