1. #3161

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    Carol, that sounds lovely. I'm getting ready to go to a neighbourhood gettogether and usually by now I would have had a couple of big warm up glasses. I will be picturing you singing away, its going to really help.

    Bassettcat, Julliet, I'm going through something similar, been together for over 20 years and I dont think we know each other at all, dont think I've grown up, we got lost along the way. Sometimes I dream of starting again on my own but I couldnt do that to the children because he's a good dad. I always keep going thinking I will eventually fix the relationship. He says I'm miserable all the time and only fun or civil to him when I do drink. Need to become the person I should have developed into if drink was out of the equation but at the moment not sure how. I didnt say this before but that whole 102 days I was sober I stayed on the couch, needed to be on my own, enjoyed having my own space. Back in the marital bed now but that 3 months made us drift even further apart. I want to be kinder to him, I cant imagine us ever splitting up, I was pretty miserable after the first euphoria of being sober had left me. So, need to change me in a different way, cant see how though. I got scared about becoming the real me at last and thought it was safer to go back on the drink.

    Day 5 ....

  2. #3162

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    I love that dream, Carol! I am also singing tonight, just for fun, with my singing buddy from high school! I think it is funny that all that folky stuff we used to do is back in again. And for all of you with relationship troubles... I recommend couples' counseling, if that is an option. My husband and I are well suited and belong together, but we also went through a rough patch a while back, and counseling really helped. Funny how that counselor never asked about drug and alcohol issues...

  3. #3163

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    Hi All:
    I had some concerns about anonymity in the world wide web, so while previously i was posting with another name, and I couldn't figure out how to change my name, so I changed accounts. (I use my other account name in some other personal ways).
    So now I'm Pearl. While I want to be real and honest, I read somewhere that posts like these can be searched, and right now I can't take the chance of being identified in my physical community. And I want to keep connected here at SR.
    I am still alcohol free, I am so happy to say. I find my work days are a bit clearer, although that could also be that I'm not as busy as I have been. I'm in retail and it's been a bit quiet. Really though, I'd rather say I'm clearer because I'm not foggy or hung over.
    I'm surprised to find that the buzz that I usually get when I know I'm going out and there is going to be drinks....is missing. I'm so glad. I just go. And, I'm also so glad that I don't seem to need to sensor myself. When I was drinking I was always saying in my head everytime my mouth opened: is this me or is this the wine? Will I regret it tomorrow? Should I have said that? What are 'they' thinking about me know? I didn't realize how exhausting that was, nor how self-centered it made me. this is the actually the first time this thought came to me: It made me self-centered. and fearful.
    I see a glimmer of the journey ahead. am I up for it? today I am. thank you for letting me ramble, and discover.

    And as I watched the discussions of the previous days, I could sure relate to the feelings: avoid conflict, need attention, can't ask for help, don't know what to do, be angry. thanks for sharing all that, and I will apologize right now, I know I won't be able to name everyone. I read your words though and take them in, consider the courage of the sharing, and thank you for being here!
    Last edited by Pearl; 11-08-2011 at 05:13 AM. Reason: took out my previous name to keep my anonymity

  4. #3164

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    Quote Originally Posted by carol View Post
    I love to sing, and that was the one thing I wouldn't let alcohol interfere with. I sing in a chorus nowadays, and I wouldn't sing before rehearsals or performances, and I wouldn't need to sing afterward because I was too jazzed. However, I had started to do both, another bad sign. Glad I'm not drinking anymore. We have a performance coming up that this post is related to, so please don't think I'm going religious fanatic on you. I think this has value either on a secular or religious basis, as you wish, or just skip this.

    In a dream last night, a black shadow swooped over whatever scene I was seeing, and I flashed that it was the demon alcohol. Immediately a choir started singing the Dies Irae from the Mozart Requiem. Loosely speaking that's the wrath of God and I was happy that was being brought to bear on the demon.

    I am singing this Requiem tonight, with an orchestra and about 200 members of various choirs. I plan to dedicate it to US, who are seeking to get out of the hell of addiction to alcohol and the peace that comes with that freedom.

    Enjoy the day free from alcohol and know that as we sing tonight we'll be bringing wrath down on that Demon who has trapped us and singing Dona eis requiem - grant us rest.

    Thanks for being here and inspiring me!
    Wow Carol. Awesome post. I love to sing too, but no one really wants to hear me sing! LOL. I bet you have a beautiful voice, and thank you for dedicating the Requiem you are singing tonight to US! That means so much to me. (tearing up) THANK YOU!!!!

  5. #3165

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    Quote Originally Posted by Ruth View Post
    I love that dream, Carol! I am also singing tonight, just for fun, with my singing buddy from high school! I think it is funny that all that folky stuff we used to do is back in again. And for all of you with relationship troubles... I recommend couples' counseling, if that is an option. My husband and I are well suited and belong together, but we also went through a rough patch a while back, and counseling really helped. Funny how that counselor never asked about drug and alcohol issues...
    Ruth, how do I find a counselor, therapist, or doctor in my area? I really do need it. I am a mess right now with all kinds of emotions that I struggle to deal with everyday. I don't trust these kind of people, I have had experience in the past and I find them sometimes to be just as effed up as I am. I even have some of these types within my own family.

    If you have some suggestions about how to find someone helpful, without spending a ton of money along the way to do so, I would so appreciate any advice you have to give. I always appreciate your posts, and I so respect your opinions.

  6. #3166

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    Welcome Pearl.....I too am a bit concerned about my posts here. I still want total anonymity, and I sure don't want to find my posts here show up if I Google myself.
    Perhaps Patrick will address this concern, now that it has been brought up by a couple of us.

  7. #3167

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    Hi Pearl! Your post could have been written for me! I feel the same way- now if I am being a a**hole, it's just me, not the alcohol speaking! Seriously, I think that you uncovered one of the sources of shame for many of us.

    Julliet- we found our guy based on a recommendation from a friend, which is always a good way to go. I have a friend who works with John Gottman (famous guy), and she is great and on the up-and-up, so I would bet that they have people all over the place. I also mistrust some of those counselors, but there is something very powerful about talking about feelings with an impartial observer in the room. I had never seen my husband cry before. There are some things that he suggested that I didn't buy, but if you go in with an open mind, I think that the outcome can only be good.

  8. #3168

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    Hey, Bill- what about throwing that stuff out?! That's an idea!

  9. #3169

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    Day 7, and doing well, except for exercise.
    So far, so good.
    Have a good night everyone.

    P.s. I am a little worried about day light savings. I don't like it getting dark so early at night.

  10. #3170
    Is anyone taking particular supplements or following a special diet? I am trying to find ways to support health and sobriety and possibly turn around some of the damage of years of alcohol abuse.....

  11. #3171

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    May 2011
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    Hey Regina
    I've taken milk thistle for 3 years - although research shows it can improve liver function for certain damage/acute poisonings, its effect on alcoholic liver damage is not proven. Doesn't hurt, may help - I take it. Also, vitamin C (not just to fight off infection, but to improve circulation and cardiovascular support) and CQ10 (again, for heart support). Right after I had spent 1 month of binge drinking non-stop - I also took a vitamin B complex.

    I have dabbled with Sam-E - unfortunately the most recent medical studies related to liver tissue repair (reversal of fibrosis, lowering of alcohol-induced inflammation = hepatitis) came back saying it had no different effect than the placebo group (boo!). And since I get horrible stomach cramps while taking it - I've tapered off that.

    I've never been much of a supplement person - so, besides milk thistle, vitamin c and CQ10, I just try to eat a varied diet heavy on the potent veggies (dark leafy greens, cruciferous veggies - broccoli, brussel sprouts, garlic/onion, spices like cinnamon/tumeric/cumin/hot chilies) and fruits/other stuff with high antioxidant properties (booberries, cherries, pomegranate juice, super dark chocolate, green tea.) Lots of whole grains. Just feed the body the best diet you can to give it all the nutrients and vitamins and minerals to repair itself.

  12. #3172

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    Hi, got through the neighbourhood soirree last night without drinking so I'm coming to the end of Day 6, round 2. No real issue at all about me not drinking, that's been the biggest revelation to me when I've attended any event, nobody really makes a big deal about it, whereas when I was drinking I would have expected to be given the third degree.

    Elsa, well done on reaching Day 11, that's great. I'm sure you'll get to 14 no bother.

    Nite all x

  13. #3173

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    I've been thinking about Billy's post about using mindful meditation to address cravings instead of just pushing them aside. Dragonfly, your post about the unexpected craving coming up for you prompted me to write.

    The idea of thinking about cravings instead of just saying STOP seems counterintuitive. Yet when the urge and cravings are strong, no amount of saying stop makes them go away. Exercise, distraction, those help. Gritting my teeth and just not drinking anyway were my usual approach.

    So as per usual nowadays when I'm trying to learn about something, I googled it. Mindfulness seems to stem from Buddhism, and is among other things, "an attentive awareness of the reality of things . . . as an antidote to delusion". Hmm, reality is that drinking really sucks, delusion is thinking that drinking gives us good things or has power over us. I've been to a talk on mindful meditation and Billy mentioned it as a technique for cravings, so here's what I found about that. Mindfulness "involves accepting thoughts and feelings without judgement rather than trying to push them out of consciousness", with the aim of "freedom from the tendency to get drawn into automatic reactions to thoughts, feelings, and events". Ah, freedom from automatically drinking when the urge hits. I like that.

    I'm not sure how comfortable I am with the idea of spending the 7 minutes focusing on cravings for fear it would reinforce them, but "focusing on recognizing, accepting, and experiencing your cravings rather than trying to ignore or suppress them", as Billy mentioned, knowing that the aim is freedom, might be worth a try. I'd appreciate hearing if anyone has tried this and how it worked for you.

    I spent some time this morning thinking about the perceived/real benefit from alcohol that was the hardest for me to let go of - oblivion. It was a way to just let go of everything and sink into oblivion, no cares, no feelings, nothing. Of course that was really an illusion because it was really just sinking into a drunken stupor with the cares and feelings and problems standing by for later, then waking feeling like crap with various bodily functions reminding me why drinking myself into oblivion was a truly bad idea, plus the shame and recriminations. Sigh. Calming the mind with regular meditation or mindful meditation or what I was doing for awhile of just setting aside 10 minutes to do nothing except let my mind wander around, or singing Mozart and asking for peace, these are real. Temporary oblivion from a drunken stupor, just an illusion of peace.

    My 2 cents. Thanks for letting me share. Hope everyone had a good & alcohol-free weekend.

  14. #3174

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    My take on mindfulness/meditation is more to notice the thoughts and feelings and release them, like you would an itch on the end of your nose when you are supposed to be meditation. Rather than think about them, acknowledge them, and let them go.

    I find that emotional disappointment sends me looking into the liquor cabinet. My 15 year old daughter (for once) was all excited about having a fire in the fireplace and eating soup and garlic bread, so we went to the store, and I got busy with all of those things, only to have her pop in 20 minutes later and ask to go to the movies with her friend. Poof went my fun fantasy of family time by the fire, and it got me when my defenses were down. I know it is foolish to expect her to hold a thought in her head, but it hurt, and I feel lonely and wanted to hang out, just a bit (hubby is out of town, too). Anyway, maybe I should look for a 12-step group for parents! So, I am drinking tea and drowning my sorrows in chocolate and feeling sorry for myself. It wasn't worth the backward glance I would have to take tomorrow to crack open the gin.

  15. #3175

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    Ruth & Dragonfly, enjoy the chocolate and congrats on the perspective you both have!

    Ruth, ah, teen-aged girls. My youngest is now 27. The joke (kind of) is that when my older daughter graduated high school and went away to college she wasn't speaking to me and didn't for another year, but the younger one went through that more quickly and was talking to me again before she left. Now we talk frequently (they both live out of town now). As teenagers, they can be sweet loving creatures or distant or mean as the dickens, and who knows which one is going to show up at any given minute. Know that in that time she envisioned the cozy time with you by the fire she actually experienced that and felt your love, even if she moved on so quickly you never got to be included!!

  16. #3176

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    Bill, yes there was an orchestra. I thought of US and dedicated it to us as promised. It was exhilarating! Thanks for asking.

  17. #3177
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    Good Morning - thought for the day - from 24 hour book...

    Today is the first day of the rest of my life. Keeping sober is the most important thing in my life. The most important decision I ever made was to give up drinking. I am convinced that my whole life depends on not taking that first drink. Nothing in the world is as important to me as my own sobriety. Everything I have depends on that one thing. Can I afford ever to forget this, even for one minute?

    Have a great sober Monday:]

  18. #3178
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    On meditation - I try to do it every morning - it tends to calm and ground me - prepares the way for the day to come. Breath helps me to focus.
    To me mindfullness is accepting every moment as it comes - not worrying about what is to be - it will be what it will be - just accepting who we are in the moment. It is embracing our feelings and going with them. With respect to cravings I embrace them, then I let them go. As they say in AA "let go, let God". And my daily mantra is "this too shall pass"...and it usually does lol

  19. #3179
    I woke up sober this morning but full of anxiety and panic. Does it ever get better..... ?

  20. #3180

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    Aug 2011
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    Good morning all,
    Really interesting posts.
    I definitely see benefits from meditation although I do not use that tool very often.
    I have read an interesting book on mindfulness by Vernon Howard and it was enlightening. The crux is basically always being aware of our thoughts and actions which can be a challenge in this fast paced world.
    I like what Sally says:
    "Keeping sober is the most important thing in my life. The most important decision I ever made was to give up drinking. I am convinced that my whole life depends on not taking that first drink."
    That is basically my daily philosophy as well and it always keeps everything very real for me.
    Regina I have found that my anxiety is down since I stopped boozing but life still has its twists and turns so I doubt it will ever completely disappear.
    Have a great sober day everybody.

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