Welcome Josephine. This site is a life savior and Patrick is right that I think it is gaining momentum (over 7000 views). These viewers need to post and tell their story not only for themselves, but to help others know they are not alone. I know exactly how you feel. If I don't work, on weekends, I'll be drinking at noon and your days and nights are shot. What fun is that!
Patrick, don't know if I can go through the Memorial weekend with out a drink. Alot of stuff goes on where I live (I always have an excuse) but I will take your advise and try!! Can't wait to live life sober but its just so hard because tommorrow never seems to come.
Thanks Samantha for commenting on my post. It really helps to know others identify and experience similiar struggles. Today is my 15th day as a non-drinker! My sleep, mood,energy and self-esteem have improved since I stopped drinking. However, I still fantasize about having just a couple of glasses of wine, especially with the Holiday weekend approaching. Trying hard to bring myself back to reality, since 2 glasses of wine ultimately leads to 2 bottles! Can anyone relate? Someone recently told me your only as sick as your secrets.My secret drinking(alone or having a few before going out)allowed me rational that my drinking was under control,especially if others didn't know how much I really drank. I am so grateful to everyone on this post, for allowing me to share my true feelings without being judged. Josephine, you are not alone in this battle. Healing starts by reaching out to others who have walked the same walk(in my case, stumbled numerous times). Hugs to all
Thank you for adding that Sam, you are right about it being progressive, I got to where I had to keep a little pint of schnapps or something under my seat in my care (I delivered pizzas for a living) and I had to start nipping at that thing when I was going through my regular shift delivering pizzas. By the end I was nipping it at the START of my shift.
@ Sylvane - I am so pumped that you are gonna hit 30 days, how awesome is that? Very excited for you!
Thought I'd take a second and catch up with everyone today. I know I say it all the time, but I'll say it again - I so appreciate everyone being here!
Josephine, welcome. I hope you find this site as comforting as I have. I can't go a day without reading (usual reading several times during the day) and usually can't go without responding. It's so therapeutic. 2-1/2 bottles, very familiar!! Welcome again!
Sam, your bravery in admitting here and to yourself about having a drink(s) is to be commended. It shows how dedicated you are to not drinking. For me, I had to stop altogether. Having just one doesn't happen for me. Nor does having just two or three. I followed the same pattern you and several people have just mentioned... drinking earlier and earlier in the day, drinking when annoyed, etc... I eventually started putting bourbon in my morning coffee before 6am just to coast through the day. Then it became physically "required" by my body. I even hid my bottles in the crawl space under the house (the crawl space is in our bedroom closet). This "worked" until my husband caught me in there with the hatch off. Pathetic!
Sylvane, we were trying to plan a camping trip this weekend, but it doesn't look like the weather is going to cooperate. We haven't been camping in several years and I have to be comfortable. It would also be the first camping trip, ever, without alcohol. So rather than be a cranky mess, and stressing, we are going to go through our old gear and try again the first of June. Don't much feel like being around a crowd either.
Shelly - congrats on day 15! I'm on day 27. For some reason I feel I have to update my husband every morning on the days, even though I try not to focus on a number, knowing that I am now a non-drinker. Yesterday he rattled off the count before I did, but he got the count wrong and shorted me a day! We are all in this together and we relate to having "secrets". Here we are able to reveal them, then they are not secrets any more.
Billy - OK, I'm chiming in too. This is where the rubber meets the road, so to speak. I'm the first one to put something off, if I possibly can. But, you know what? I've found just because I put it off, it didn't go away - AND - it didn't get easier. As Patrick said, I often, even with the mundane, have to catch myself off guard and just DO IT and DO IT NOW. Otherwise, I find a million reasons why (I don't have the energy, it's late in the day why not wait until tomorrow...) I'm also a huge planner, so catching myself off guard is really, really tough for me. What usually happens when I do? I end up accomplishing so much more than I ever thought. This is interesting too, because since I'm a planner, I have to count days drink-free. If I plan out, then I get so wrapped up in the future, I can't focus on today. Right now those days just seem to be piling up Sweet! Today I've blown off a project, but I've got a couple of hours before dinner, so I'm going out to scrub some of those water spots off the window. I'd love to see you challenge yourself to push through this weekend. What a better way to create a Memory for Memorial Day?
I want to quit drinking so bad. I usually do after a night of drinking. Unfortunately, by two days after getting drunk, I am ready to do it all over again. I just don't know how to stop. I want to want to stop bad enough to actually do it. If I don't quit drinking, I am going to kill myself or someone else. I put myself and others in danger every time I drink. I have a full bottle of wine and a six pack of beer in the other room. I know I should throw it away, but I feel like I'll do what I always do, and go and buy more tomorrow. I don't want to. What can I do not to drink tomorrow? I've been to AA, and I am having a hard time making myself go. I have also been to outpatient rehab. I am still broken.
Hi, all. I'm back from my visit to my daughter and pleased to say that no alcohol passed my lips! Yay! Thanks so much for your support and good wishes. I would like to chime in on some of these conversations but am off to a rehearsal right now so will catch up later. Can't resist just one comment, though - Yes, no more secret drinking!
Hi Jenhan. I've done that too. I'd get drunk and wake up angry and ashamed of myself and swear i would never do that again. Then that afternoon or night do it all over again and ask myself why can't i stop this cycle. Whats wrong with me. I can feel your frustration as I went through it too. Finally as the saying goes I got sick and tired of being sick and tired. Life wasnt getting better with alcohol. Alcohol was causing me alot of problems. And I still crave alcohol at times even with all the havoc it caused. But being off alcohol life is better. I'm only 24 days into this journey but I can see big differences already in the quality of my life and relationships. And to Sam and Billy, my two issues tend to be anxiety and depression which you both have mentioned. What I'm discovering sober if it helps you is alcohol actually made me more depressed and more anxious. I dont know if any one else feels that way but my problems are easier to handle without alcohol and I'm amazed how my depression is much less then its been in forever. Shelly thats great you have 15 days! Just keep coming and sharing and its a miracle place here on this forum. Kjbp and Sylvane congrats on closing in on 30 . Carol i am glad your back and how awesome to spend time with your daughter sober. We missed you tho! Josephine thanks for sharing and welcome. You are not alone here.
Jenhan75 I'm giving you a big hug right now. We have the biggest challenge, and at the same time, the biggest opportunity in front of us.
This may sound drastic, but I wanted to share with you what I've been doing to help me achieve almost 30 days (this time. I'm a repeat offender...) My husband actually did this, which at first annoyed the crap out of me, because I was not the one in control (hard for me as I have always been classified as a control freak). Now I realize I was never in control - my whole problem. You mention you've been in rehab, which I was also looking into. My husband and I talked about it and determined that for me, in-patient rehab seemed like another extension of counseling, but one where I was not able to be challenged by everyday life. I'd been through counseling for about 1 year. What I needed was the same benefits of in-patient treatment while still being challenged by day to day events that fed my depression and anxiety. I needed to learn how to deal with issues sober rathering than killing them and myself.
Do you have anyone in your house or close to you on this journey you've confided in? My husband hides my car keys or the $$$ (cash, cards, checkbook) so I don't have both at the same time. I'm now so into this "program" and my personal healing that it's become second nature to me, doesn't annoy me and I ENJOY life! It does put some pressure on my husband to "police" me, but it's worth it. I've even been able to successfully take myself to the grocery store for our weekly shopping and not make an inappropriate purchase! I then handed to $$$ access back over to my husband for safe keeping. Yes, I sort of feel like a child, but I'm getting over it as I feel stronger both physically and emotionally each day. Something to consider...
Carol - I so happy for you! What an achievement and I'm so glad your environment was supportive.
Embrace tonight and each other's support.
I'm finishing day 17 this go-round. I've stopped and started a lot and am trying to get off this merry-go-round for good. Although I haven't made a firm commitment "forever" yet, for now I'm going with "just do it" and not drinking.
I want to talk about the first few days of not drinking, partly for myself and maybe to help some of the people starting down this path. I started drinking 40 years ago, binge drinking then daily drinking, ever increasing. Tried all kinds of things, but like has been said, it's progressive. For years, I could not imagine even a single day without alcohol. I felt like I'd die if I didn't have any, but more and more I knew that I would surely die if I continued. There was always a part of me that didn't want to drink, that got drowned out (literally!) by the part that did want to drink. There was always a reason to drink: "I had a tough day, I deserve/need a drink." "I had a great day, I want to celebrate with a drink." "I'm stressed, I want a drink to relax." And we all know it was never "a" drink. But there was always a reason.
Anyway, we all get there different ways, but the day comes that we make it one day without drinking. Day One! A very big deal indeed. For those who are just getting to Day One, congratulations!! You are on the way.
Then day 2 comes along. The bloody little seductive monster tries all kinds of things to get us to drink. All the "reasons" above, plus new ones: "See, you didn't drink yesterday! You deserve a reward!" Or "You didn't drink yesterday, see you can quit anytime you want! It's OK, have a drink!" Or the hard sell, "You didn't drink yesterday, you're going into withdrawal, you need to have a drink!" And of course, if I go there, it's never "a" drink. By the way, like Patrick says, some people really do need medical supervision to withdraw; I'm no expert on that part.
So it's so easy to take a day off, then start back up, and often it seems I just made up for lost drinking time by drinking even more.
For me, if I managed to make it past day 2, day 3 was often not too bad. With 2 days of sobriety under my belt, I am feeling good and can stay strong. (This particular go-round day 3 was hard, though.)
But day 4, oh day 4 just kicks my butt! The alcohol is all out of my system, and the craving is more than I can bear. The monster is starving and tries anything and everything: "Three days, see you DID quit! It's ok to have a little drink; you deserve to celebrate!" "I need a drink, I have to have a drink!" "Just one won't hurt!" BUT IT WILL AND IT DOES!
Once in a great while, I've gotten past day 4 and into a week or two of sobriety. At that point, I fall into the trap that I can have "just one" and drink normally. And I can't. Even if I just have one that day, it's only a matter of days or maybe even weeks if I'm lucky before I'm back drinking as much as I can.
So here I am, not drinking for now. In some of the earlier posts, I think maybe it was Sally who pointed out how very much work it is for us to procure our alcohol, hide it, drink it, maintain as best we can so people don't know, etc., etc. Then there's the succession of morning afters, regrets, recriminations, won't do it agains, etc. I've lived through so much of that and I'm tired of it.
I just appreciate having a place where I can tell the truth. Congratulations to so many of you who have made it past day 4 and especially those approaching and exceeding day 30! But everyone here, even if you are still drinking, is working toward recovery, and it is such a joy to be part of such a community. Thanks to you all and to Patrick.
Hey Sam. For me i just need to get off this stuff. Im done with it. Im sick of being physically ill from it and depressed and anxious. I think maybe way back alcohol worked for me. It made me less anxious in social situations. Then it turned and started working against me. The negatives outweigh any positives now. Actually there are no positives to drinking for me. Life is better without alcohol.
Also this holiday week end i am looking forward to not drinking. Ive spent so many long weekends starting to drink after work friday, sat morning, sat nite, sunday etc. Just drinking to fill the time. This week end i will do some fun things with my family and feel physically good and less depressed. I need to remember when i drank it took forever for me to get off of it and i want to stop the cycle and be free from the obsessiveness of my alcoholism. Life is much calmer without the booze. What is everyone doing this week end? Happy sober wednesday!
I am not going to drink today no matter what.
jenhan75, good for you, you can do it!
PS on my post last night, when that monster tries to beguile you, sweet talk you, browbeat you, grab you by the neck, just:
a) Beat it with a stick and say, no you're not winning this time!
b) Politely but firmly say no thank you
c) Post your struggle here and get support
d) All of the above, and whatever else works for you!
Something nice happened this morning. My husband knows about this blog but we haven't talked much about my not drinking this time - too many failed attempts. Since I spent a lot of time here last night, I did say what I was doing and that today is day 18. And he said: I believe in you. I know you can do it!
Billy, I personally am fine with your "June 1st, baby" approach but I have a different question for you. What's your plan, man? You spend a lot of time at the bar (we've been there!). What will you do with yourself instead? It's hard enough not to lift the glass and drink but if you have to mope around and try to figure out what to do with the hours, it's even harder.
Justin, are you still there? How are you doing?
Samantha, you are so right - Life is much calmer without the booze. Happy FREE Wednesday Sylvane, kjbp, Sally, Shelley, Patrick, and all of y'all!
Sam, I didn't mean to ignore you! How about today? Or like you said in an earlier post, how about June 1st and really do it this time? Good luck!
Hey Carole - welcome back, congrats on 18 days. Congrats to all of you on your time - even the 1 dayers....Welcome to all the new folks, glad you are here. I am doing good, extremely busy...I made it 11 days, then caved in :[ The usual anxiety/panic attack and agitation. I have got to work on getting over that one without drinking...my mind just shuts down and I am gone.....Anway, on day 2 feeling good. And still proud that I can make any length of time sober...I will make more days next time:] same goes for all of you who are still struggling - keep trying....
Good morning all!
Jenhan75 - you're starting today off right. Make plans to check in here every hour or two...even into the night. Set your cell phone alarm as a backup reminder... Someone here will respond right back! Whatever you need to do to keep your focus off taking a drink.
Carol, nice to have your wisdom back in the discussion. I'm glad your husband is supportive and knows about the site. Mine does to and he often asks me how my friends here are doing. He sees how much you all are helping me and that helps him. Thanks!
Billy, Carol makes some really good points. I particularly stress "How will you fill your time?" This was a killer for me and always my deal breaker. I didn't know what to do with myself, was unmotivated to tackle any projects, so ultimately I wound up back to drinking. As Patrick mentions, drastic changes are needed and that means figuring out what to do with your new-found freedom and time.
Sally, so good to hear from you dear. The anxiety/panic/irritation factors would get me every time, too. Now I just tell people, "ok, look here, you're annoying me right now...". I've been on the same path as you and many here, able to get more and more days under me sober after each relapse. My challenge was that when I did relapse, I did it in a big, super intense way. That, and the fact that my body was to the point where I was not able to tolerate the same volume of alcohol that I used to be able to (a good thing I guess?) made me uber scary intoxicated.
But, this weekend will be good. I'm looking forward to celebrating Memorial Day with my husband and JuneBug (my dog) as a non-drinker. I made up a new beverage yesterday - glass of lemon/lime sparkling water, topped with a fresh lime wedge and fresh sliced ginger. A little tart, a little bubbly, and little spicy - it was yummy!
Thinking of everyone!
I want clarity but I don't know how to get it
I have just stumbled on this wonderful and hopeful site today and writing this is a tiny step towards what we all want: to be free from drinking. Thing is, I don't know how. I have been drinking for years but over the last 4 years it has turned into heavy drinking: 1 or 2 bottles of wine a day. In the past I have been able to go a few days without, but I have been drinking EVERY day for almost 2 years now. Last week there was a day I didn't drink and it felt so good! But next day, before I know it, I go out there and buy myself a bottle of wine (and then drink it of course). I am utterly disgusted with myself. I hate the hung-over feeling that lasts far into the afternoon and this urge that gets me in its grip just when I start feeling better... and I go off and buy some more. Sometimes I don't even have to buy it. You see, I have a new partner (oddly, the son of two alcoholics - one recovered, one dead) who loves to have wine with lunch AND dinner (I live in southern Europe, where this drinking behaviour is very acceptable). When I'm with him I drink wine with him (he pours me a glass without asking) and I sort of control my drinking. But when I'm on my own I make up for the craving I felt when I was with him and "didn't drink enough". It's horrible.
I think about quitting every day, but I just don't know how. My life is quite complicated (separated, kids, joint custody with the kids staying in the same house and my ex and I moving in and out every other week) and I suppose I'm just a coward opting for numbing myself instead of taking control of the situation.
My new partner is really sweet and caring, in lots of ways that I hardly knew existed anymore. The thing is that I'm dead scared to tell him that I want to drink water instead of wine, that I need to be free from drinking, that I'm afraid I cannot do it on my own. I mean, with his past of having severe alcoholic parents, I think it may be too much for him. So I struggle and think of ways to do it by myself, in secret as it were, but of course when somebody enjoys sharing a few glasses of wine with you, you can hardly keep it a secret that you're not drinking anymore (if only...).
I am amazed at how strongly I can feel I do not want to drink ever again and next thing you know I'm holding a glass of wine in my hand. How can I break this the circle? And what should I do about my partner? I'm desperate.
I'm in the "nest" (the childrens' house) at the moment and before I had lunch with my boyfriend (three glasses of wine after a whole morning of cleansing herbal tea). It's 19'00 and I have already downed my first 2 glasses of red wine. Seems really contradictory, writing all this at the same time. I'm sorry.
Last edited by carolcmod; 05-25-2011 at 01:41 PM.
Your spot on! That is by far the toughest thing to do is to fill my time. A divorced Father of two; my 21 year old Daughter just left today to spend the summer on Cape Cad on a Internship and my son just turned 17 so its slowly "can I spend time over my friends today Dad". When your best friend is the bartendar at the local tavern or all your golf buddies are drinkers, its really, really tough to drive by and spend time in your house by yourself! The last time I fell off the wagon after 20 days (just this last March), my neighbor found me a sleep (passed out) in my car in my driveway. Pretty sad huh!!
But I still am determined to beat it!!! Thanks for all sharing and telling your stories. It makes you feel your not some kind of freak! By the way, I never told that story to anybody before telling you all!!
Thanks for everybody on this site; your all a God send. Thank you!!
Thanks for all the supportive words. I need it! I am really glad I found this website, and that I am getting to read what you all have to say. Alcohol is so seductive. It affects so many of us. I really don't want it to affect me any longer. I don't want it to be what my life is about. I am so much more than this stupid alcohol. I have so much to offer. Nobody knows what I'm trying to do. I figure I'll just try hard at this, and tell people once it's been a considerable amount of time. My family would be so happy if I quit. I would be happy if I quit. I would know that I am being responsible, that I can be depended upon, that people take me seriously. Well, back to work. I will check in this evening (after 6 - my drinking hours). Thanks again, ya'll.
MM, I was just browsing this site again and see your post. I want to let you know how wonderful it is to meet you here. I'm so happy you have a new relationship and your new boyfriend is caring and sweet beyond belief.
I strongly believe, and encourage you to have an open and honest conversation with him sooner than later (say over dinner at his place???). For you to be successfully free from drinking, he is going to have to know your feelings and concerns and be supportive of your needs. I don't see how it's possible for you to heal while hiding your desire to be a non-drinker from him...for the rest of your life, really?????
I don't mean to sound harsh, please don't hate me for saying that, but that's how I see reality. I would be willing to bet that after you have this conversation with him, he will be understanding and supportive. It doesn't mean he will necessarily stop drinking, or that you even have to ask him, that is up to you and what level of support you feel you need, but you do need some support. If, heaven forbid, he doesn't respect your decision, I wonder how your relationship will grow to the next level when other issues come up that you need to address with him? You're a couple and you deserve to share this journey together, for your sake. It can be an amazing journey together. I'm an the same journey - me as an alcoholic working towards recovery, and my husband as a supportive non-drinker who always asks me if I mind if he has a glass of wine and then talks himself right out of it knowing how hard it is for me.
I so hope you will think about this and consider taking this action. Also, I know other people will chime in here with their thoughts and support. That's the beauty of this site. We're youf friends, so please let us know how you are doing.