I was wondering where the heck you have been. I am glad you are still with us.
Originally Posted by casey
Hi Casey, glad you're still a non-drinker and great to hear from you. Was wondering where you were. We're Day 55, woo hoo.
How are you feeling, managing OK?
Welcome Jen, hope you can manage to quit this time. Put down your thoughts here and that will help.
Hi Dragonfly and everyone. Still here. Still reading. Still drinking. I have a feeling inside that's growing. I think it's almost time to take the plunge. I think it's any day now.
Dragonfly, my ex was very similar and whenever I tried to get sober he was always the sabateur. He'd even say after a few days, " you've been so good you can have a couple", knowing that I wasn't capable of just having a couple. Not only did I have the alcoholic voice in my head telling me to drink but also him! I don't know how you've got as far as you have, so well done. You have a lot of strength.
Welcome Jen and good to see you return Mel. How long did you get last time? A couple of times on this journey I've thought about having a few drinks at night and starting again the next day but I know from previous attempts that it can lead to weeks and sometimes months of full on drinking and getting back on the wagon is so hard. I'm determined this time to stay sober for a long time to come.
Glad you're still here Peter. There's always a right time and I'm sure you will know when. You just have to make that start and you're on the road, one day at a time.
I'm nearing the end of day 23 and I'm surprised how good I'm feeling about it. I went to an engagement party this afternoon where everyone was having champagne. I was offered a glass quite a few times and although I was nearly tempted I knew what one would lead to. So I ended up having lemonade in a champagne glass and had a really good time. Noticed a few people looking bleary eyed toward the end and one lady who'd been drinking red wine with a red rim around her mouth and thought how glad I was that it wasn't me. Not that I'm judging them because most of them would stop after the party but in my drinking days I would continue long after the party finished. I thought too that I would be bored at night but I now seem to have so much to do and am so much more productive doing it. So I managed to get through another weekend sober and I'm very glad of it. Hope everyone else is travelling well too.
I was at 75 days or so. The longest I've ever been without drinking in the past 7 years. The week of drinking was not the worst I've ever done - but it was every day and after making promises to myself that I would not return to the store to pick up another bottle.
It was a dangerous mix of complacency ('I'm soooo over this') and old stress-triggers ('I deserve a drink because it has been a rough day, week, month, year, decade'). Just a warning to all - do not let your guard down, do not become stagnant in the process (as Patrick has pointed out repeatedly) and just don't drink.
I'm scared to death. I got up today determined to not drink. To get day one under my belt. The moment I thought that, I got so panicked, I went right to the garage and got a drink. It is 9:00 a.m. Oh my gosh. I don't know how to live without it. I really don't. How do I deal with all these feelings inside? I am not sure I can even post this response. What do you do with the scary feelings? This is torture. I love my family so much and I can't even do it for them. How is that possible? I'm sorry. I know this is a stupid post. I just don't know what to do. You are the only people I feel could begin to understand. What do I do?
MLT-That is not a stupid post. First, can you get the alcohol out of the garage? I think that would be the first thing. The scary feelings come along with trying to learn how to deal without alcohol. It's alot more scary knowing where this first drink could lead to. Think about that before you try to take another, if it's not too late. All of us on how are, or were scared how to live life and moving forward with sobriety. But only you can make that decision to better you life without it.
Just because you took that first drink today doesn't mean you can't stop. So just say "no more today." Don't think the day is ruined because you drank already. Go forward and move on to doing something else and get your mind off it.
Christy, thank you so much for your reply. The one I had for breakfast was all we had left. Oh I feel so bad. I just can't believe how scary this is. I have to go on with my life sober. I just have to. I have such a wonderful family and such amazing friends. I am not sure I know how to be me without it anymore. It has been several years now that I haven't had at least one drink in a day. But today, I feel puffy and tired and scared. Tomorrow is Monday. That is even scarier. How do I go to work and deal with that stress without solving it with alcohol? Oh my. Well, I guess this is the first step. Figuring out how to do that. I will keep trying and thank you again for your compassion. It is so helpful to not be totally alone in this battle.
Well, I poured out the rest of the red wine and beer this afternoon. I feel so guilty and embarassed for who I have become and the things I've done. Friday night, I was drinking red wine & talking on the phone for hours. I was pretty drunk by the time I laid down. I started feeling dizzy, and went to throw up. I threw up a couple times, and it was brighter red than the Merlot I was drinking. I was convinced I was throwing up blood, and called my son and my dad, completely freaking out. My (18 yr old) son rushed home from a friend's house ready to take me to the emergency room. I wasn't sure I wanted to go. I drank some water, then made myself throw up again to see if it was still red. It wasn't. I am convinced now that it was the red wine mixed with water & stomach acid that made it look like blood. BUT, oh my goodness, that was a terrible scare. I am not ready to die. If I keep drinking and smoking, I am going to kill myself. I know it. So, I am going to try to stop. I don't like myself anymore. I really want to do this. I hope I am strong enough.
day 6 today. im starting to feel better physically and mentally. im not craving a drink but it feels like there is something missing. i dont know what to do with myself. i had a sober birthday yesterday and that felt really good. im determined to do this right this time. i messed up big time last weekend and my wife wanted to take the kids and leave. i told her i was going to quit and she said why bother, we both know you wont do it anyway. that really hurt. so i have to prove myself. i started out doing this for my family, but now being sober, i feel like a better person and healthier i actually want to do it for me. the withdrawl i went through was the worst experience of my life. i really felt like i was gonna die. next time i want a drink i need to remember that. thats a shitty part of this disease. once you get some sober time and feel alittle better you just seem to forget about how awful it made you feel before. anyway thats all for now. thanks for caring guys. mlt and jen hang in there and keep trying you can do this.
Justin - Wow - 6 days is doing good in my book! And Happy Birthday!!
Here's my two cents - take it or leave it. 1) You need to do this for you right now, not your family - they will fall into place once you get it together. 2) Write down how miserable you felt the last time and if you have any desire to drink pull it out and read it - same with any other f+++ ups that make you cringe (I did this and it does work for me). 3) Start makinig a list of things to fill your time when you get bored or don't know what to do with yourself - you need options. Idle time is the devils time they always said when I was in parochial school LOL - but true. And hang in there - I am pulling for you!!
Bill ditto on the doing more. Kathy and I cleaned our kitchens top to bottom and kept going LOL. Things I never had energy for suddenly I developed more energy and had more time. Your not a fraud at all at 28 days. Thats really huge, more then maybe you realize and you are making progress. Its not easy to string that together, at least in my experience! Maybe what you could do around 30 days is what Patrick had suggested to me? He said at 30 days to review what has changed since you got sober. Take some time and put the thought into it. If your life is better then it was 30 days ago, then he suggested to commit to another 30 days, which I did. The point was really more to stop and think where being in recovery had taken me versus drinking. The alcoholic, problem drinker, however its labeled, never wants you to think. At least that was my experience. It just wants you to drink.
Justin I am so relieved your back as I was worried about you and happy birthday. I know sometimes it is very hard to remember the bad when it comes to drinking as that happens to me. What has kept me sober this time is I am able to remember if not specifics, the feeling of that addiction cycle and the pure hell of it. I know once I put any amount of alcohol in my system I will get addicted fairly quickly and won't pull off the cycle for who knows how long, if ever. So its not worth it.
Mel I am glad you are back. And I just wanted to give you a big hug when I read you talking about not wanting to stop at that liquor store again. I get that. I went through that so many times trying to talk myself out of going. Sometimes it worked mostly it didnt. We are all here for you and miss your insight.
Dragonfly thank you for all your wondering sharing and your strength. You have 30 days wednesday right? I love watching you grow in recovery. Your awesome. :-)
Woohooo Peter. Just let us know when you are on day one. Pick a day and keep cutting back each day until day one...
Originally Posted by peterpinot
My heart goes out to all of you who are struggling right now- Justin, I know you can do this. It might not be fun, but it is necessary, and I promise it will get better! It really will, it will just take some time. A crappy day sober is not such a nightmare .
MLT, I will tell you what I did- first and foremost, I recognized that alcohol was hurting me, not helping me. That may sound obvious, but that is the most important realization, in my book, and it sounds like you have already made it. If you are not having bad physical withdrawal symptoms, you can do this on your own, but it helps to have support like this group and others. I wrote down all of the terrible and embarrassing and dangerous things I have done while drunk (this is for you too, Jenhan!), so I could read them through if I was tempted, WHICH I WAS! Quite a bit. It was hard, really hard, but it is doable. Have plenty of non-alcoholic drinks around, drink lots of water.
But I think what really kept me honest was that I sat down with my family and owned that I had/have a problem, and that I was going to fix it. Don't get me wrong, I am doing this for myself, but having to be accountable to my husband and my kids made me think twice. Sure life sucks sometimes, and it will be sad and lonely sometimes, but you will get through it, and things will get better. This is me at 97 days (I had to sit and calculate, because now it is actually normal to not drink!).
Welcome back, Mel- missed you!
p.s. Mel (I just read your earlier post), I think the 60+ thread is for those of us who are in the PROCESS of staying sober, and I guess slipping is part of the process. You have insight from your journey, both the sober part and the slipping part, and your voice belongs wherever you need to be that helps you the most. And it helps everyone to learn from you, as well, so don't stay way! It takes a lot of strength to slip and to come back so soon (just one week).
MLT, hope you've managed to make today your Day 1. Yes it is scary, you're scared of coping with life without your friend alcohol. But alcohol is not your friend, alcohol is truly your enemy. You cant see how you could manage without it. I was like that too, we all were. How could I possibly not have my best friend in my life. You are at a point now where you know you need to stop drinking, that's why you're posting here. Yes, its hard to stop, get out of the cycle, but you can do it. Its relatively early days for me but in the 2 months I've been off alcohol so much has changed for the better, all little seemingly insignificant things, but they add up to a huge change. My health, my family, my friends, my career. Its all about YOU first of all, it has to be, then as you go on to add up days sober you will see the changes you're making for YOU are changes which affect EVERYTHING and EVERYONE around you for the better too.
Jen, I hope you can say goodbye to alcohol today too. I've not had an incident like yours but I've had plenty other scary episodes with drink. One time I woke and had been sick all over my pillow and was so drunk I didnt even waken. I could have choked to death. I was mortified but I still continued to drink after that. You sound like you're ready to stop. Go for it, make today your Day 1. Give up the booze today and work on the smoking later, when you're strong enough to cope with giving up both. Good luck.
Well done on Day 6 Justin. Happy Birthday too. I still have that empty feeling, that I'm missing something, but not so much now. The key is to fill your time, plan things as much as possible. You will also get very tired over the next week or so and that can last a while. But you must persevere and you'll come through the other side healthier and happier.
Peter - you sound ready to take the plunge. Fantastic, go for it!
Rosella, Dragonfly, Bill - you're nearly at your first milestone. Woop!
Mel - good on you for picking yourself up and giving the two fingers to the booze again. I would be totally gutted if I drank now so I need to be vigilant. I am going away in a couple of weeks to a family gathering. That will be a big test.
Good Morning Everyone - or evening!! 90 Days today - Yeah me!!
Good quote out of the Reflections book: "In recovery ... I learn that the very thing I fear is my freedom. It comes from my tendency to recoil from taking responsibility for anything: I deny, I ignore, I blame, I avoid. Then one day, I look, I admit, I accept. The freedom, the healing and the recovery I experience is in the looking, admitting, and accepting. I learn to say, "Yes, I am responsible." When I can speak those words with honesty and sincerity, then I am free."
Today I have found freedom - freedom from a life filled with alcohol, pity, lies, guilt, disgust... I have found freedom to enjoy what life has to offer - the simple beauty of waking up fully aware and knowing that no matter what happens today I will be able to handle it. Knowing that I now control my life, not alcohol. What a great feeling that is!!
Have a wonderful week. Good luck everyone. Bill 28 days is AMAZING - 1 day is amazing - you should be very proud of yourself.
MLT, I remember my first post was similar to yours. I felt so much fear and the whole process of living without alcohol was such a scary concept. But over time you realize that living with alcohol is the scariest thing and living a life of sobriety liberating. Stay with this site and the people here- it will help you more than you would believe. I have found that the times I really fought against alcohol it led to failure. This time I've tried to focus on the positive things I want to do in my sober life and let go of the fear and that has helped.
I'm a long way off getting through this though. Like you Justin, I don't want to drink but I too feel like there's something missing. I've been feeling very confident about it all lately then felt tired and stressed this afternoon and nearly gave in. Fortunately I managed to talk mself out of it which I am so happy about. But it shows me how easy it would be to slip back into that rut. Like you say Mel, we just can't get complacent. The crazy thing is that when I drink I'm really not enjoying it, I know it makes me feel like crap the next day and depressed for the next week- why is it all such a fight to give it up? I hate the way it's got a hold of me and I still think about it too much. I feel so much better with 24 days of sobriety to date, am a much better mother and am thinking so much more clearly- I can't believe I was so close to ruining that just because of a little stress.
Well done to you Sally on 90 days. Absolutely fantastic effort. Your positivity inspires me. I'll have to read your last post whenever I feel tempted. Well done
Good Morning everybody and hello to the new members.
I threw away my yo-yo yesterday and have finally come to the realization that I CAN"T BE A NORMAL DRINKER! I would go 4 - 5 days off, and then think I can, but just end up getting extermely wasted and become Dr. Jekyl. The ah hah moment came Saturday night when my son was over my house, I came home from drinking and we got in a huge fight (not physical but close). He actually called his Mother to pick him up. I was such an A**hole, the next AM I just put my hands in my face and I just couldn't believe this was me. After trying to call him all day, I finally went to his house to beg AGAIN for his forgiveness and he just said, Dad, you have to chose between alcohol and your Son, if you still want a Son.
This is it! All the times I have posted on this forum, I have never said that I am quitting for good, but I am now! I AM NEVER GOING TO HAVE ALCOHOL TOUCH MY LIPS AGAIN.
Bill S - just a thought about your thinking about being a normal drinker; I just read this in one of Patricks articles:
"Success in recovery is all or nothing. Take one drink or one drug and it is “game over.” Therefore, the line of success or failure is very clearly defined. One slip and you are back to square one with your life falling apart all around you."
Dragonfly - Very proud of you! Love, energy, time and money - 4 important things we lose to alcohol!
Justin - AWESOME my old friend. We can do this!
MLT - Stick with us and one day you will go back to your first post and say 'was that really me'!
frog, Peter, Jen, MLT, Sam or anybody else out there - I am oficially on day 2. Want to start and do this together??? Come on and lets roll and go for it!! We all know its the right thing to do!!
Thanks everbody and a big hey to all my friends. Peace
Last edited by Billy; 09-12-2011 at 09:08 AM.