Hi all - Dragonfly and Bill, I drank after the 30 days and I'm still fighting to have a new Day 1. It sucks. It's not worth it. I was in a really good place after 3 weeks, and then I let my guard down thinking I could be a "normal" drinker. It's chemical and psychological. Once that first drink hits your system, it triggers a whole slew of stuff that you don't want. It sets you back. I thought I'd just partake a little, but it's been over a week, and I've tried to have Day 1 each day. It's awful. Just wanted to let you know. 30 days makes you feel like you can handle it, but it's a beast, and it comes back with a vengeance.
I'm getting myself together, and then I hope to add myself to the success stories that inspire everyone. Dragonfly, you did so great last night, hiding yourself in the car, protecting yourself. Keep it up. You can do it. Clarity and strength are so worth it! Bill, keep going too! You're doing so well. I can't wait to get back to Day 20-something. I'm in a bad spot right now!!
Grad, here is Samantha's original post o was referring to above. Good luck
Originally Posted by Samantha
Frog, don't give up. Make a plan to start day one.
Thank you, Millie! I'll keep you posted. Tomorrow is the day! Anyone want to start with me?
I am astonished to have found this forum and finding there are people experiencing EXACTLY what I am. My story begins decades ago. My parents were abusive alcoholics and I decided when I was a kid I would NEVER be like them. So, for 30 years, I drank socially. I can't remember ever drinking around my girls and never had a blackout or even a hangover. It was never even a challenge to abstain. I didn't think about it at all. I was healthy, thin and happy. Then, in one fail swoop, both my girls moved out to college, I turned 40 and I lost a high paying job because I was being sexually pursued by my very high profile boss and I didn't have the courage to stop him. So, I left the job instead and got completely hammered drunk. That week was my first taste of oblivion through alcohol. I have the most wonderful husband of 25 years. Most of those years, were happy sober ones. Now, my heart is just so broken when I think about how I let him down every day and about my girls being gone.
Fast forward to today. I have been drinking heavily since July 2007 when all those devastating events happened at once. I realized while reading your stories, the tricks I have continually played on myself to make myself believe I don't have a problem. The "don't keep it in the house, then you won't drink as much," the "hiding in the closet so no one sees and trying to come out acting natural like I hadn't been drinking," the "I tripped over the dog, that is how I got this black eye," and many, many more. I have gained 40 pounds since 2007. I feel so bad inside and out. Ashamed, tired, irritable, depressed to the point of desperation, insecure, guilty, ugly, fat, just like a waste of breath. I want to cry but I can't. It won't come out. I think it is because as much as I didn't want to be like my parents, I now am.
I went to a party with friends last weekend and got the most enormous black bruise on my hip, I couldn't hardly hide it. I am constantly covered with bruises. They are so embarrassing. My husband and I worry sometimes people will think I am being abused they are so bad. The other night, drunk again, I kissed my best friend's husband right in front of her. I was disgusted and apologized profusely. I'm sure she will never forgive me or trust me around her family again. Oh how that hurts. Another time, I got a black eye from falling into our sink. I told everyone I tripped over our dog in the middle of the night. I feel so embarrassed. I hit a guard rail driving when I shouldn't have been and scraped up our whole car. I was taken to emergency twice because I thought I was dying. I wasn't. I was just drunk and panicking.
All I think about is when I can get my hands of that next drink. I can't stand it. Just thinking about what a failure I am makes me want it right this minute. Only with my beloved alcohol does the pain dull. I can't imagine life without alcohol now. That demon gives me relief as much as it causes me grief. Albeit the grief is with me every minute. I desperately plead and pray that God will take this affliction from me and I can be normal once again. I'll keep reading your stories and trying to forgive myself. Thank you for letting me be brutally honest with myself and you.
MLT- Thanks for posting and being so brutally honest,...so glad you found this place. If you've been reading this thread you know you are far from alone,...and you're story, while unique is also very, very similar to what alot of us deal with. You will find nothing but love and support here,...no judgement whatsoever. You did mention that you have a wonderful husband of 25 years, so that's one very important thing that you have going for you,...2 girls off to college, so you've done something very right. You also mentioned that you "pray desperatly that God will take this affliction from you",...which is also wonderful,....just remember that God also allows us "free-will" which is what truly makes us human,..but also allows us to sin in all kinds of ways,...it's a double-edged sword (everyone's religious/spiritual beliefs are their own,...so I'll stay off of that one),...but go through the Bible and read what God actually says is true about you,...it's all over the Bible,..and exactly opposite of what you say about yourself. That is the enemy and your addiction telling you those things to keep you trapped. God says, you are perfect, pure, and innocent in his eyes,...a dearly love child of the most high God.
Please keep your head up MLT,...I know how you are feeling is brutal,..but we are here to listen and support you. I/we will do whatever we can to help you. Welcome!!!
Hi All. Just checking in. I have done pretty well so far this week at staying away from my old buddy beer. I did give in to one real beer the other night with my Wife. Other than that, I have had nothing but a couple of NAs each night since the weekend. I think that just having a cold NA bottle in my hand to swig from is taking some of the edge off of the fight. I have yet to put together a solid string of totally beer free days, but looking back on the past week it has been exactly 7 complete days (as of last night) with no "drunk" episodes. I struggled a bit with the thought of stopping to buy some last night on the way home as I knew I would have a couple of hours at home with my 2 yr old before my wife and daughter got home. I managed to keep the truck straight and just get home. I needed gas, but couldn't stop... sputtered to the station this morning. Feeling pretty good, but I know that this is going to be a long push to keep things on track. I have a bike ride planned for the weekend (sat morning), so at least I have something pegged for a reason to keep away Friday night. Now, just need to find something to focus on for Sunday so I stay motivated and sober on saturday night. No parties planned for this weekend (whew).
Frog - Welcome back to the fight.
MLT - Tough story, but in this forum you have found a great deal of support to start getting things back on track. Stay strong and focus on taking a day at a time in fighting to get your life back the way you want it.
Dragonfly - Your previous posts have given me alot of inner motivation over these first several days of fighting my habits. I'm sorry to hear that you had such a terrible evening, and all I can do is offer my best wishes and prayers for you... a small pitch into the good mojo flowing from this forum.
to all my fellow fighters... keep up the good work. There seems to always be some challenge to overcome each and everyday. Keep your goals fresh in mind and handle each challenge as you know you should... rather than how the demon might want you to.
Thanks for the words of wisdom from all here.
Day 43 and getting ready for game #1 of the NFL season. Got the popcorn and ginger ale set to go !
Good job not giving in to temptation BGustavsen, keep it up and you will be stringing together more and more beer free days.
Keep up the good fight gang, we can all be winners in the sobriety game if we avoid the 1st drink.
MLT keep your head up. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I was told by the one that I love and want to be back with last night that I will never change, and that has given me more determination to change myself, especially when someone that I want to be such a big part of my life has lost all belief in me.
On a better note, no drinking so far today!! Went to the apple store and changed out my Iphone for free luckily, the old one fell victim to a drunken pool swim. One more day then back to doing some local work for a day then off to Australia and Japan for 3 weeks. Back to my other life where I am not judged by anything but my work ethic!
day 3 no drinking. ive never felt this sick in my life. i promised my family yet again that i was done for good. hopefully this time will stick. 3 days is a good start and thinking of drinking makes me feel sick to my stomach. i hope everyone is doing good.
That is Awesome!!!! Hang n there..you will get through this.
Everyone, first thank you so very much for the well wishes. I don't feel judged here. It is odd not to feel judged but I know I like it. When I hit the button to post my story, I immediately felt scared. Like just saying it publicly makes it more real and true. I don't want it to be true. But, it is. I saw my own story in so many of your stories, it is undeniable.
In fact, I was so panicked, I actually left my office and went to a restaurant where I had two glasses of wine. I felt so ashamed yet again but at least my hands stopped shaking for a second. I came back to the office though because I wanted to see if anyone responded to my post and what you might say to me. Yesterday, I didn't come back after lunch. I kept drinking. Today, I had something I needed to know. Whether I made sense and whether I am crazy. How nice it was to read your warm words. I will try to take them in as hard as it is to believe I am not the evil monster I feel I am.
I am going to try to make today, a new day. I am NOT going to get drunk today. Just this one day. Tomorrow, I'll see how I feel. But, today, my answer is NO. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.
Dragonfly I am hitting Sydney, Brisbane, and Melbourne in Aussy and in Japan we are doing Osaka, Tokyo, and Nagoya. Funny out on my job I have great self control. Being at home and having an endless supply kills me
Yay, MLT! So glad you're here. I check this forum first thing in the morning, then throughout the day, and the last thing at night. It's the best. You are in the right place. You can make a change in your life. It's helped me to read the articles on spiritual river and to read the success stories (and struggles) of this wonderful group of people.
All of you with many days, you are our inspiration. Keep going! Justin, keep up the good work. Vic, I love the image of you watching football with gingerale! Millie, Marianna, and Casey, you are a powerful trio! Bill, Dragonfly, Sally! And all of you - keep telling us the good news!
Dragonfly, thanks for the secret.... I just thought you were younger and memory wasn't shot yet.
Frog. I check this forum all the time, too. Love it!!! It is like having a bunch of pen pals...
Last edited by Millie; 09-08-2011 at 07:14 PM.
MLT, welcome to the forum! I joined just a couple of days ago.... after going through things that I have a lot of guilt and regret over. The first few days were the worse! But after posting on here it felt so good to be open and honest! It was like getting a burden off of my chest and while I still feel horrible it is comforting to know that you are not alone in the battle to stay sober!
Millie! Thanks for that post! It was a great one!
Well everyone it has been a short week but I am off to my trip tomorrow... I will be gone for one full week but I will try and post on here when I can...... I hope everyone has a great week and keeps strong in their own personal battles! I know I will be staying strong and taking it just one day at a time!
You are welcome. Although you need to thank Samantha..she wrote it ..lol
Have a good week. Once you say no thanks, or just ginger ale for me thanks, or I am doing 30 day challenge of no drinking, etc. You will realize not as hard as it seemed at first blush. I remember one of my first nights out not drinking. I ordered ginger ale and cranberry. One of my friends asked what I was drinking before she ordered. When I said ginger ale, she just said...that's not what I want, and ordered her drink. I just kept getting another round of my nonalcoholic drink, each time they got another round of alcohol. I never heard another word about fact I was not drinking...and boy did I feel great driving home..stone cold sober.
Your anticipation of the difficulty of declining offered drinks is much worse than the reality. Good luck.
Wow, so many great posts! I'll have to catch up when I have time. Went shopping tonight (Friday) with my 2 girls. Had a great time. Shopping on a Friday night was unheard of in my drinking days. I hit 21 days today and I feeling surprisingly good.
I just want to thank Patrick for his amazing post. You've become like our sobriety guru! I love the 2 step program and it all just makes so much sense. What's been different for me this time has been concentrating more on the positive and making short and long term goals to strive for. Living in fear of relapse just led me to failure every time. Thanks so much for this site and all your great advice.
Cdries, I live about an hour south of Melbourne. It's a great city at this time of year. Have a great time and I can't wait to hear what you think. Have a great trip.
Have a great, sober weekend everyone! Stay strong.
MLT, Welome! I just read your first post and I can relate to what your going through. My heart goes out to you. I've got 2 young girls and they have been my inspiration to clean up my act. I have had so many tries at gaining sobriety it's not funny. This time though it really feels different. I think all my attempts and failures have taught me more about how to tackle this. I'm not getting ahead of myself or getting complacent because that leads to failure. I do know hard it is to start again and I remember those dark moods and I never want to return. I really am starting to feel life is getting better now little by little, day by day. So I wish you the very best on your venture.