Day 4 complete!
Sally - Went to my Mothers and got the lawn done and it went very smoothly. All this time it was most likely my fault we didn't get along. I'd go over and rushed to get out of there for that drink. Thats all I thought about was getting in and out as soon as possible because I wanted/needed that next drink. I actually spent over two hours working on her lawn; I've never stayed that long. Thats why one of my goals for sobriety is to have a better relationship with my family and friends. After that I went to the MOVIES (Caribean movie in 3d-pretty cool) for the 1st time sober with my son and actually enjoyed it. Wasn't ansy to get out of their to get to the bar and have another drink. My son actually said to me just now, Dad, I like you so much better sober. I only have him on weekends and I used to leave him home, at my house, by himself while I was who knows where, drinking. Making up lies and telling him I'll be right home. Life is getting so much better, but I know I still neeed to fight everyday.
Carol - Planing ahead for that next drink? We all do it or we wouldn't be hear. I know by your post that your stronger than you give yourself credit for! I'm afraid, were all afraid, everyday that we might slip but I put too much work in it to fail now, and you certainly have!
Julliet - I am a Male and I think the only one on this forum! Your beating yourself up over this lost relationship and blaming yourself! Why! If its meant to be then it will be. Does enabling come to mind. All my ex girlfriends were drinkers - enabling. Stay cool and don't change for him, but change for yourself! YOU have to want sobriety more than anything in the world. Its the most important thing you can do for yourself right now. Its great your going to school and yoga. Better yourself. Like I said in an earlier post; its easy to drink, TOUGH not to! You have to be tough!
One more thing Julliet, I don't know how heavy a drinker you were, but I went to the Dr's and he gave me some Librium in case of withdrawals or anxiety and also another poster used Cambral for her cravings. Make that list (I don't know if you saw my earlier postings of my list) of why you want/need to stop drinking and keep it with you all the time. That really has helped. Good luck and everyone here will be there for you.
Everyone have a safe night tonight.
Last edited by Billy; 06-04-2011 at 04:41 PM.
Patrick, I read your latest article and I cried off and on. I guess it struck a nerve! I did as you said and made the decision not to drink and I am in recovery now. I never honestly thought that would happen for me but it has. Thank you for this great forum and the timely articles.
Tonight I just relaxed and enjoyed the weather outside. I did as kjbp said and enjoyed the moment. Billy and Sally I love to hear your progress. Carol day 29 tomorrow . Nite to everyone.
hey guys, sorry for not posting or even responding for a time. i havent been doing very well lately, been back to over doing it on a daily basis. i think im ready to try again. yesterday i had a bottle from the night before, it had about a double shots worth left in it, so i did drink that i felt like i was gonna die if i didnt. it was an internal battle for the next 5 hours, in my heart i havent wanted to drink at all but something in my head kept telling me to out and buy another bottle. im not quite sure how i held out but after about 5 hours i just suddenly didnt want it anymore. thats never really happened before, i usually cave and go get the bottle. so despite that one drink i had, im still proud of myself, and im gonna try like hell today to have zero drinks. thanks for all the support everyone, and good luck to all who are still struggling.
Justin I'm so glad your back. We have all been asking about you. I related very much when you said you just suddenly didnt want it anymore. In my first 5 days sober I had the opportunity to drink. It clicked for me I didnt want to because nothing would change in my life for the better. At that moment I was done. Once I made the decision to be done alcohol had alot less power over me. I dont want some dumb liquid substance destroying my life anymore. Its caused so much chaos. I know you want to stop and I know you can do it. You should be proud of yourself because its a little step that can turn into a huge step.
Justin - I'm glad you decided to post, and that you didn't walk out the door and get another bottle. The very fact that you struggled to make that decision is huge. It is now one week for me. But this week is special from all the other weeks I've done in the past year and a half - I found that posting here helped absorb the constant worry, guilt and terror that have accompanied most other weeks of sobriety for me. Every day in those weeks, because all my anxiety was internalized and magnified because hidden/dark/wrong, I had the same debate you did - out for another bottle? In the end, I always gave in because my inner drinking voice is grating, harsh and loud - inescapable. I thought feeding that desire would shut it up and make the anxiety better - never really worked that way.
As Sally says, I'm just glad to have made it this far and I'm committed - but I know (we all know) that relapse is a very real possibility. What I hope is that when/if I relapse, I do not allow that 'failure' to become an excuse to drink more. That I return to the sober-plan with no self-defeating guilt. Today is another good-bye party, but it feels different from Tuesday's - I know that I can have a good time without booze. And that is the simple, no-frills truth.
Billy - good luck for Day 5!, Sally and Sam and Samantha - keep it up! Kjpb and Sylvane, how are you doing? To all the new/old-new - Julliet, Casey, Sarahmae, Justin - keep us posted and keep on trying, you are supported.
so,,, i woke up and posted on here and was feeling strong...... my wife worked late last night and by the time she got home i was already in bed. after posting on here i went downstairs to make some breakfast and when i opened the freezer i find a full bottle of vodka she brought home last night. i dont know what to do. if i dump it she'll just freak out and buy another one. i cant even go anywhere or do anything cuz im broke until next payday. feeling very stressed right now.
Hey Justin - I would get out of the house if I were you. Can you go for a walk/run? Go visit a park - take something to read. Go to a friends house who doesn't drink? Maybe go for a drive in the country. Go walk around your city - see the sights. What about your kids - I don't know their ages, but can you take them to a free park for the day? or go swimming somewhere free? or go play ball with them? Do anything, but get out of the house, because if you stay there you will keep thinking about that full bottle and you will eventually cave in - even I would.....and then when you see your wife - if you can - tell her if she is going to drink, SHE is going to need to hide her stash. Good luck - am praying for you!!!
Justin - quick question, does your wife know about your trying to get sober? Is the vodka for you or her or for both of you? I know that the choice to talk to a loved one about your process can be stressful - as Sally and others with husbands have pointed out, some partner's are (understandably) wary or have not been included in the sobriety process this time (for good reason).
You might consider having a very blunt conversation with your wife - you have to judge this one - and let her know that you appreciate the money/effort and 'care' that went into buying the vodka, but you just cannot have it in the house right now. Your need to have the booze away from you is put forward in a way that asks for sober support.
I had an ex (we were together for 8 years) and he did not drink at all. But, he knew that I was a drinker - and even though he was terrified by my drinking, he wanted to show he cared and would bring home wine, beer, whiskey as a 'treat' for me. It really came from a place of heart, but just wasn't the kind of support I needed.
If you can't have the conversation with your wife and you don't want to dump it - get out of the house. Go somewhere where there are other people (but not drinking buddies and not to a bar) and distract yourself. Be strong! It is hard enough when you are trying not to drink period. Having it in front of you this early in your process is really really hard. Good luck. Post as much as you need if that helps distract you.
Justin, hang in there. You the only other guy in this group (lol). You have to have a long sit down with your wife and find out whats up? You got to straighten that out! Is she thinking shes helping or enabling you. Tell her what your plans are.
Samantha & everybody - Thanks for your thoughts on what is going to be a very difficult day 5 to get through. My head is already playing games with me and I'm trying to stop them. "Well its a beautiful Sunday...you work all week so you can drink just this one day...start up again tomorrow...you've been good for 4 days, just go have a few...it'll taste so good". Over and over again in my mind. Sometimes I think I'm going crazy. WHY IS IT SO DIFFICULT??? I'm going in the yard and do some work that i've been putting off for about 100 years and hopefully these thoughts will go away. I can't let the bottle get the best of me! I know how upset I'll be with myself. I have to stay strong for myself...and my Tag (lol).
Sally - I know exactly what you mean my saying "I quit" and I'm NEVER going to drink again. When you put so much effort into staying sober and then slip, it just hurts so bad!!
Billy, you are doing great. I have total faith in you that you wont drink. You are so determined, and reaching out to everyone and keeping yourself busy. My head played games for awhile too. It was really aggravating. I learned when I get the thoughts to shut them down. Dont even listen to the alcoholic. Its eventually gotten better. The thoughts are still there but much less. I always remind the alcoholic when it suggests I have a drink, I dont "drink" I guzzle, chug, gulp etc until passing out. Im not remotely daintey when gulping in my closet!
Justin, I probably would pour the bottle down the sink. I dont know your situation but I know you are struggling. Your sobriety is more important then your wife getting mad. She can always buy a bottle of vodka but your more vulnerable now a day into this and your sobriety is everything.
Billy hang in there - you CAN do this...think back to what your son said the other day :] And Justin, I changed my mind - do what Samantha says - just dump it!! I am sending positive vibes both your ways....:]
New to this thread
Hi everyone, i didnt even know there was a thread here..but i do receive the newsletters. I see there are alot of newcomers on here, which is great!!!
I'm sober 25 years, and, I love the past few articles that were written about getting rid of the negatives first before making positive goals.
It seems that past 10 or more years I have been making alot of changes -- some were good and some weren't. I had alot of loss 11 years ago, mother, father, fiance all within 6 months...and, had sole responsibility of everything..
I'm not going to go into major detail about the past 11 years, and I am still going to AA and Al-Anon once or twice a week..I used to make zillions of meetings before that sometimes 3 a day for 10 yrs..., and everyone told me to get a life.. The problem is I started to attract very negative people around me, and I became very negative myself, people who I allowed to use me for money and people who only wanted favors and things from me and some are in the program with alot of years sober and some are in my family and some are not in the program and are not addicts..but control freaks, manipulators...I think I allowed all of it because of the guilt factor and the feeling of emptiness even after working the steps a number of times and living the steps. The bottom line is this: Negative, people, places and things can bring you out there...and you become so miserable in sobriety you wonder why you stay sober and play the victim. People tell me to let them go....but i feel thats all i have..and one is a very close family member...I keep talking to them..but all it seems is I get is used and abused...and, I feel if I let them go, who will I have... I want to change my enviornment and have been working on doing that...but all I seem to run into is brick walls and and circles. Sometimes I even leave meetings feeling worse...and, I'm getting really tired of them., because it seems I don;t get the support I need from them anymore. All I crave is peace and contentment with healthy friends who are supportive and to not walk around with knots in my stomach in fear. It has been a miracle that I haven't drank or drugged in 25 years and I'm taking it one day at a time...but some things in my life need urgent attention, and everything I have been doing to change it has not worked..its like I'm constantly being blocked.
Anyway, thanks for Listening.
I am new here and seem to be one of the few males. No matter. It is comforting to see I am far from alone. I started drinking heavily in my late 20's while on a lonely 2 yr assignment to Europe. When I returned to the US it got worse and serious depression and anxiety developed. When I finally thought I was going mad I checked myself into 28 day rehab. I stayed sober for 12 years. During that time I met my wifee and we had 4 wonderful children. Life was great. Then, as a corp. executive, I went through a merger and received a lump of cash. I decided to write what turned out to be an award winning historical novel. While doings so, I started drinking again for some reason. Slowly at first, but more and more over a few years. I re-entered the business world and hated it. The drinking got worse, but I only did it after the kids were in bed, though I am sure they noticed changes in me. The company I worked for went bankrupt and now I am in a new position that is stressful and boring. 2 months ago deep depression and anxiety re-emerged for the first time in 20 years. I knew that the drinking just would make these worse, but I couldn't resist the urge for temporary relief. I went to a Psychiatrist who prescribed meds. My children were still largely clueless but knew that something wasn't right with my isolating myself and low energy levels. Then this past Friday night something horrible happened. I was alone at home with my 11 yr. old daughter. I decided to drink vodka and hid it in lemonade. I finished half the bottle when my wife came home with 2 other daughters. I was on brand new meds that lowered blood pressure. I got up to go to the kitchen and my 11 yr old stopped me to give me a hug. The next thing I knew I was laying on the floor with a pool of blood spreading around my head and my wife wrapping a towel around my face. I had literally fainted then knocked my self unconcious when my face hit a table on the way down. My wife got the hysterical girls upstairs, then dropped me off at the ER. After stitches in my nose and a CAT scan I was discharged. My wife picked me up explained that she had felt compelled to tell my 2 oldest 15 and 18, that I was an alcoholic and suffering from depression. My 15 year old son took it particulalry hard. The youngest 2 simply think I had a low blood sugar attack and fainted. It is Sunday evening now, and my wife and I are going to sit down with the 2 oldest (my son wasn't home at the time of the incident) after the others are in bed. I am terrified and not sure exactly what to say. I feel I have let them down so horribly with my addiction (though there were several periods of several months when I didn't drink over the period? Any advice regarding how I should position this with the kids? Sorry, for being so long winded
Justin, I am just now getting the chance to log on and by now your day is done. It is fabulous that you had that moment where you didn't want to drink anymore!! I hope that you were able to use some of the suggestions and your own resources to make today a day free from alcohol. I don't know if I would have been able to do that with a bottle of vodka in the freezer. Either way, know that we believe in you and your desire to be free of this burden. Please let us know how your day went.
Wolverine, welcome! Most if not all of us have had one or more horrible moments caused by our drinking that we have to live with but that maybe finally pushed us to action. It seems that your wife is in a way forcing an intervention with you. By now you may have already had the conversation with your kids. Like Sam says, please be sure to tell them how much you love them. What counts more than anything is what you do now, that you stop drinking and that they see it. A 15 year old doesn't know that an alcoholic can recover and still thinks that his/her parents are infallible, so being told this can shake their world. A strong commitment to action and followthrough is something they can see and ultimately be comforted by. Good luck! You are not alone, we are here for you. We share things with each other that we are not comfortable sharing with anyone else in the world, knowing that we won't be judged. Please let us know how it is going.
Anonymous, welcome to the thread. I don't get the newsletters but have been trying to read many of Patrick's articles, which I've found illuminating and helpful. Congratulations on your sobriety! 25 years is a long time. You say, "All I crave is peace and contentment with healthy friends who are supportive and to not walk around with knots in my stomach in fear." You deserve that!! Now I'm going to quote Patrick: "Purge the negative people from your life. You deserve better." But since you feel like you will be totally alone if you do that, what if you start by trying to include some positive people in your life? I know, I know, easier said than done. If you've been reading the posts, you'll see mention of people making lists of things they could do instead of drinking. In your case, you're not drinking, but what if you made a list of things you could do where you could meet new people? We here can be supportive, and I for one have found that invaluable, but we can't meet you for a cup of coffee. So start with us, but as a baby step maybe make a goal to try one new thing this week that involves different people than you normally associate with? Just a thought.
Sally, thanks for your comments and sharing your own experience. It really is nice to be honest with my husband, as you have been with yours.
Hi to everyone! My daughter just arrived for a visit so I've got to run. More later today or tomorrow. Thanks!
Anonymous – I’m sorry you are struggling so. Sometimes life just doesn’t seem to give us a break. Hang in there and think positive. Go out and rent a comedy – they always make me feel better. And start out small maybe, try to avoid your negative friends and relatives for a week and see how you feel after that. Negativity breeds negativity – you need to get away from it in order to give yourself room to grown. And I say quit going to meetings if they make you feel bad. Have you ever considered doing volunteer or community service work? Sometimes when we give back, that fills the void in our heart. Good luck and keep coming back – we have all kinds of positive people on this site:]
Wolverine I agree with Sam – kids are a lot smarter than we give them credit for. Fess up – tell them you have some problems and issues and that with their help you are going to work through them. Explain that sometimes adults, like kids, make poor choices, and that’s what you have done. Made a poor choice in how you deal with your depression and life’s challenges. It’s not what we do, but how we grow from it, that makes us the people we are. Tell them that you intend to grow from this experience. Bottom line – speak from your heart and you will be just fine. Good luck.
Not the best of nights for me - one glass of wine with dinner. But at least it wasn't more. Now, I'm going to have to work even harder when the desire comes on (because I've been feeling good/healthy and I had a night of controlled drinking - and these always make me feel superior to my addiction).
Wolverine - welcome, and I hope the conversation was helpful for you as much as for the kids. Hope today went well for everyone, and tomorrow even better.
Hey it's OK, Billy!
No one is pushing a 12 step agenda on anyone here. I am sure they just want to help, you know?
I usually recommend to newcomers to seek treatment and also try the 12 step program, in that order. Makes for a decent start to recovery, if those programs work for you.
But I don't cram it down people's throats.....and I don't see these new members doing that either.....
Hey Billy, it's middle of the night on west coast, but wanted to reach out and make you were ready to take on Monday!! Just let us know how you are feeling today, it sounds like Sunday may have presented some challenges for you. Just checking in. You know we are here for you and fully support you on your journey to sobriety. I saw your Saturday with you mom went better than expected - yeah!! You gave her a wonderful - you, and you sober!
How did Sunday turn out? I couldn't sleep thinking about you and others on here and the amazing dialogue Sat/Sun. Some things were tossed around that really got me thinking. How 'bout you? Any thought or concerns for the week ahead?
Talk soon, ok?
SR friends; really was touched by the posts this weekend. Lot's to think about and putting some pieces of my personal puzzle together. Hope everyone is well and awakes bright-eyed and bushy-tailed ready to start Monday!
Now, laying here thinking and staring at the ceiling while everyone s'mores, soundly asleep, except me! Listening to my sleep music to try and nod off...more in the morning.
Its Day 6 - Monday AM
Sorry if I offended anybody with my last post, had a tough Friday and Sunday (sorry for the excuse)! I went to about 5 meetings several years ago also and I had a bad experience once when they came over my families house, on a Sunday night, with my WHOLE FAMILY THEIR, and tried to do some kind of intervention on me and I kind of freaked. The reason I came to this site was so I wouldn't have to deal with those type of people who judged you. I could be truthful here and say what was on my mind without being judged. I don't want to be converted, which is what they try to do.
Again, I'm sorry I wigged out and if it works for them, then go where you need to go to get help. I found this site by googling "How to stop drinking on your own". Thats what I want. I don't want someone telling me that I need to go to this meeting or that meeting. Tutti e gusti son gusti (to each his own). Sorry again and good luck everybody!