Thanks for you warm kind words. I don't think you are being harsh. It's more like I knew somebody was going to point this out to me, I just needed to hear it. I must say I find it very difficult to actually bring myself to do it because it makes me feel very ashamed.
You know, we've been together for almost two years and we've been through some pretty rough stuff together, but this scares me. At the same time I know that if he doesn't react well to what I need (and I do not need him to stop drinking, I think, just to support me, not offer me any alcohol).
I'll try and bring it up soon. Meanwhile, I'll try and make a very strict and focussed plan for the days I need to go grocery shopping. Although I usually find some good excuse to go out last minute and stock up.
It's been really helpful to read all the posts in this thread and I hope to be back soon to read AND write about being sober. I really do.
Lots of love and wisdom to all of you. It's amazingly comforting to know I'm not alone.
This looks like a wonderful place for recovery. I have read a lot of the posts and you all seem wonderful. I am not sure if this is the right place for me - I am just seeking advisory, help, and maybe some answers as the partner of an alcoholic. If this is not the place - PLEASE let me know and I'll split! I don't want to negatively affect what looks like a very supportive and solid forum.
I have been dating an alcoholic for 6 months. I have known him for 12 years, and we have been best friends for 3 before we decided to start dating. I knew he drank a lot before we got together (more than I think is reasonable.) I resolved to deal with this within myself as I have been guilty of being freakishly and ALSO unreasonably controlling in relationships before. I love him very much - aside from this, and even with alcoholism to some extent, we are perfect for each other. We just moved in together, and now I see how much he really drinks.
I don't EVER want him to feel like he needs to hide this from me (he does not currently - and I don't hide anything either.) I do not say anything about his drinking. He knows that his drinking is not ideal in a partner for me, and that is so far the only issue. Thats the most we have talked about it, except for the couple times he has brought it up while he is drunk. I do not want to negatively affect the level of honesty we have by starting an 'issue' with this. In the name of honesty here, I smoke pot from time to time (and he likes this, because if he lets me do it, I must let him drink.) I can and am willing to not do this. We both smoke cigarettes....don't know if that matters, lol. I do understand being addicted to something for sure.
I know that I do want it to change...and I do NOT know if he wants the drinking to change. He is not a bad drunk for the most part. Annoying, but he does not 'go to the dark side' so to speak. The obvious repercussions to us together are that I don't know what's 'real.' It is hard to tell how drunk he is - he holds it well. But I know that even when I think he is fairly sober, I find out later that conversations we've had are lost later and when he is sober. He is more affectionate, loving, and complimentary when he is drinking, and he is in a bad mood sober. He stays away from family and family events because of his need for it, and family is VERY important to me. When he does participate in family events, there is a stress level over us because we both know he wants to leave to drink. Then the health end of it for him, and the other problems emotionally with him internally that I probably have no clue about.
Sorry so long winded...the bottom line is that I am getting to the point that it is becoming a problem for me. I don't want to bury / ignore it until it blows up in our faces. I need to see if he even thinks his drinking is a problem (I think he does, because he gets solemn when drunk, and says he needs to deal with it.) I need to see if he wants it to change. I need to see if I can help in ANY way.
Please let me know if this is a place for me (I always think it is good to try on the other side's shoes in a conflict, but in this instance, I may be wrong?)...and if not if you have any ideas....and your thoughts on my dilemma if you like. Thanks in advance for ANY feedback - I wish you all the best of luck in everything!
@ Mandy - Welcome Mandy! There is more than one conversation happening here on this forum and I think that is probably OK.
Instead of typing up a long response, I want to refer you to 2 things I have previously written that I believe apply perfectly:
How to convince someone to go to rehab.
How to help your family member with their alcoholism or addiction.
I would read both of those, then come back if you have further questions.
There are other support groups these days including SMART, LifeRings, and online versions of AA. Social support is really important to sustaining recovery. Some people find it though various groups, or churches, mediation groups, classes etc.
One of my coaching clients was talking about finding the people in Cocaine Anonymous really annoying, and realized that he can go to meetings without trying to make friends there, and that while he might make friends eventually, he tolerates CA better if he is clear that he goes to deal with his addiction rather than to look for friends.
Thanks so much Patrick...I read those before I ended up here...plus another one where the author stated more than once something to the effect of 'a simple conversation with someone sent them to the point of surrender.' That lead me to this thread. I want to know more about how one ends up at the moment of surrender....and what other people do or say that helps to get to that point. I know his internal struggle really has nothing to do with me unless I enable him...and that I cannot fix it for him like I want to.
I guess I just need to know from others in my boyfriends shoes what helps them. What makes them WANT to fight the addiction? What makes them NOT want to fight the addiction? The articles helped me so much in how I need to conduct myself. I am SO worried about long term damage from how I approach and deal with the situation now.
Sally - Thank you for your post. I do not know if I am willing to deal with it for the long haul. I just have no idea. Right now I am, but how will I feel 15 years from now? Of course I have my issues too...and since he drank before me, I can safely say his drinking is not entirely my fault..lol. Of course I have quirks too...and I am at a point in my life where I am FINALLY willing to listen and deal with any concerns he has with me. (Previous relationships were not so lucky, because, you know I was a SAINT! lol) I will talk to him. I am currently VERY happy in the relationship, and I believe he is too...but that is easy to say after only 6 months. I do not want this to be a lifelong struggle for either of us. I do know that. Will I stick with it if it is a lifelong struggle...I don't know. I can see it will be very hard, and right now it seems like it is worth it. I would like to try for it to be fixed sooner than later so I don't have to ask myself those questions 10 years from now. I would like for him to be on this forum one day getting support for himself with all of you. I am just really struggling with initiating this conversation with him....and do not know where it will lead.
Good luck. I'm sure you'll be able to do it and do it well. Remember it's very difficult for us to admit and talk about it. Do it when you are sure he's sober, and with all the love you know you feel for him.
Patrick, true, my 2 previous posts are not there... I really would like some help.
Thanks to everybody.
I did it. I didn't drink today. 2 days isn't all that much to celebrate over, I suppose. But, I am feeling pretty great about it. I will not be hung over tomorrow; I will feel GOOD!!! Yay.
I lost my cool tonight for about 10 minutes. My husband said it was ok because if i was drinking it would hve been 10 hours not 10 minutes LoL. Thats true. I guess im making progress! Sally welcome back. Carol nice to have you back posting! Billy i can relate. I passed out on a train. I dont remember passing out. Just the conductor waking me up to tell me it was my stop one hour later. Thanks for sharing with us Billy, your not a freak at all.
Jenhan that is fantastic!! Congrats. Keep coming back here to share it really has made a difference for alot of us! I would not be sober now if it were not for this forum.
I think I fixed the guest posting thing. We should be all good. If not, be sure to let me know!
Jenhan, 2 days is great. You can build momentum from here. Every day is another victory. I think pretty much everyone on this forum would agree with that!
I need some help!!!! I am 29 years old and grew up with my father who was a drinker. My partner of the last 6 years and I got engaged December of 2009 and then it all slowly went downhill from there, within 3 months of us getting engaged I learned that he was sleeping with someone else, the relationship ended as I threw him out. We then got back together a couple of months later and tried to give the relationship a go which wasn't successful and the relationship ended in October 2010.. We are still very close and see each other every day and his drinking is now becoming a huge issue with me he will drink 12 plus beers a day and also has an addiction to marijuana. Through the relationship there has been violence on the rarest of occasions and he never remembers what happens the next day which doesn't help him face up to the reality of what happened the day before. I have now taken a job in another town about 2 hours away as I need the time to concentrate on myself. I know that I enable his drinking and it has gotten to the point where his dad called me and asked me to talk to him. I don't know where to start or the best way to approach him about it. He recognises that he has a problem and has spoken of wanting to get help but hasn't made the move to do anything about it. One thing that he has said is that he was thinking of going to the doctor to get some medication to help stop the cravings but I'm not sure how effective they will be.. Does anyone know anyhting about these drugs and how successful they are?? If anyone can please give me any tips to help start the ball rolling it would be greatly appreciated as I am at a loss of what to do, we are talking about getting back together but i'm not sure I want to until he does something. PLEASE HELP ME!!!!
hey helpless81 why not let him deal with it? get out and get on with your life; unless you enjoy meddling in others affairs?
Great job Jenhan75. Your on the path. You give everyone hope and inspiration! Everyone, have a great day!!
Well I drank too much again last night. How many mornings will I say that? I don't mean to, I think I can have just one, but I never stop at just one. For those of you who love an alcoholic, my heart goes out to you. No matter how much they love you back, you cannot fix them. They will have to get to the point of where they want to fix themselves. Please take care of yourself, especially before any children are involved. I love my husband with all my heart, but I can honestly say that if he made me choose between him and the alcohol, I would WANT to choose him, but I don't know if I COULD. It doesn't have anthing to do with how much we love each other, and everything to do with how alcohol takes a hold of you and won't let go.
Sam, I'm right there with you. My husband has no idea either.
Mary - What you said is such the truth; it takes a hold of you and won't let go. I've had to make several choices with some of my girlfriends and sad to say the bottle won every time.
Carol - "What will you do with yourself instead?" That is the Million dollar question. If I had the answer my life would be different right now; and yes I spend way too much time in the bars now!
Kjbp - "How will you fill your time?" This was and still is the deal breaker for me every time I lapsed! As Patrick stated, "drastic changes are required but alot easier said than done. What do I have to move a 100 miles away and start a new live? Thats not realistic.
Samantha- I know I'm not a freak, nor is anyone else on this site. We just have that disease called alcoholic. There. I said it!
Sam - Hey. How is everything going? It souinds like you'll make it through this weekend and more. You go!
Everyone else - Good luck and enjoy the Memorial Day weekend!
Last edited by Billy; 05-26-2011 at 07:42 AM.
Billy, a while back someone suggested you make a list of all the things you like to do, liked to do in the past, have thought of doing in the future, and then pick some of these to try as part of your recovery. You can dabble, so you don't have to have the perfect plan, but you need to give yourself some kind of direction. You may even want to consider AA meetings every night instead of the bar to get you kickstarted. It would be a place to go and be with people. What are some things you've thought of?
From Carol, posting as an unregistered guest. Thanks Patrick for making this work.
I'm glad you wrote in. My heart aches for your situation. It is an amazing first step your fiance is making by saying he has considered going to the doctor. My two cents - You can help him by going to the doctor with him. That is finally what kicked me in the toush towards recovery.
A quick history - I had a follow up appointment with my doctor and hadn't been being honest with her. My husband insisted on coming with me and made me "come clean." It was humiliating, I cried, and the doctor hugged me. Now my gig was really up. The doctor began seeing me every two weeks to more closely monitor me. I have had several relapses; she would lectur me, but was also very caring and concerned, and together we worked a treatment plan.
She prescribed Campral for me. You can google it. It has reviews from people saying it worked for them and others saying it didn't. For me, it worked (or at least my mind thought it did, so who cares, something worked!). Campral is designed to help with the cravings. The doctor would also follow me and my drinking habits, and we talked about counseling, we talked about anxiety and depression, and we talked about exercise.
If your fiance is willing to see a doctor, you could help support him in that first step and then encourage him as he makes progress, but let he and the doctor work on a plan for his healing, while you work on yours - and the beautiful part - perhaps you'll be able to work on them together. There are likely other issues involved with your fiance like depression. A good doctor will be able to identify that and treat any other issues and by doing so will help with the alcoholism. I encourage you to consider this option, while continuing to consider what's best for you.
I'm so glad my husband helped push me into doctor's help. Last week I saw the doctor and we agreed it was time for me to start tapering off the Campral. I've been able to leave counseling and am honing in on 30 days of complete sobriety and feel marvelous!
Good luck to you!!
Hey Carol - Great job on the detective work. I'm lucky if I can post a picture on Facebook, let along figuring out glitches. Wonderful to have you back in our daily loop.
Billy - For me, even "little" things made drastic changes in my life that kept me from thinking and drinking. My big problem is I can be too much of a thinker. I have this big hamster wheel in my brain that goes 23 hours a day. the wheel is filled with a dozen hamsters and there's another dozen hamsters waiting in line to get on the wheel. Ugh! Rather than moving (ha!) what about things like volunteering somewhere after work (I volunteered at our food bank), or going to the gym or YMCA for a class or to walk the treadmill? It might be harder to stop at the bar after you have juiced your "feel good" endorphines? Just a couple of thoughts!
Jenhan - today is day 3! This is wonderful and I'm so happy for you. Look forward to hearing about your day today.
Mary - I'm so glad you continue to keep smacking that little monster around. I would scream "shut up; shut up" to the "voices" (ok now I sound more than a little crazy...). But whatever works. I'll be thinking of you all day today.
Sally, Samantha, Sam, Sylvane, That Guy, Mandy - thinking of all of you as well and wishing you a blessed day.
A little something for reflection (I read this last night) -
We may have fears about moving ahead. We can be courageous, however. Strength is at hand, always, if we but ask for it. We can make a small beginning today. And every day, we can do at least one thing we need to do to bring us closer to our goal. Accomplishment, however small, nurtures good feelings. Happiness is the by-product. Today is wide open. I will decide on a course of action and move ahead. All around me help is available for the asking.
Hi all I'm taking a lunch break but just wanted to check in. Happy Sober Thursday. :-) And for those struggling today is a new day to begin. Kjbp do you have 30 days tomorrow? I can't remember and wish I could figure out how to do a balloon icon! Sylvane you have 30 days soon too? I asked Patrick after 30 days how do I mentally handle well...myself. He suggested I do an evaluation of the past 30 days and whether life has gotten better without alcohol. If it has then to commit to another 30 days. I liked that idea. I have to say life is better without alcohol even though I still at times crave it or romance it. I have been able to step back and remind myself that it is romancing and that the real world for me is that once I start I can't stop and that pattern will never change. I am alcoholic. There I said it too Billy! Billy, Mary, Carol, Sally, Jenhan thinking of you and everyone on this forum as we try to move forward to a better life sober.