How to stop drinking

[ToddE]

Hello everyone,

Welcome back to Monday. Two week so far, for me.

Sue,

Glad to hear you made it through the weekend, even if it was a struggle. If your your thinking about a counselor, it probably is a good idea to at least try it out. I have a number for one myself that was recommended by my doctor, but haven't got the nerve up to call and make an appointment yet.

Hope,

Sorry you fell down. Glad to hear you got back up. Considering your here, you probably have a lot more experience drinking than being sober. Try not to get down on yourself for a set back. My opinion only, but I think it is actually the part of ourselves that wants to drink, the "drinking voice" if you will, that gets down on us the hardest. Not to play junior psychologist but, if beat yourself up about something and have bad because because of negative self talk, alcohol is there to make the bad feelings go away. I am trying to avoid all negative self talk anyway.

James,

Congratulations on a good run so far. Hope you keep it going strong for a long time. I like what you say on temptation and our alcohol culture is always going to be there. Hopefully we all build the tools within ourselves to keep drinking always at bay.

Take care,

Todd

[ToddE]

For me, one thing I liked right off on the site articles is where it talks about the need to give up the fantasy of ever being able to drink again. I was never a moderate drinker. I have rarely had a drink or two (unless you count by fives). I really never want to have just a couple (never even understood the point).

Last year I went almost eight months sober. I had in the back of my mind that I would drink again someday though. It wasn't like I was thinking I'd go a year or two and then try to see if I could drink once in a while. I know I can't do that. I was more like thinking like when I retire (which is 20+ off for me) that I would start up again. Kind of like an ex-smoker, that starts up again at 70 or so.

This wasn't like an active fantasy or anything like that. Just something in the back of my mind as a vague idea more or less. I think now that was part of the chink in my armor, if you will. One of the site articles talked about if you have thoughts of drinking or remembering the good old days, drive them out of your mind quickly. Kind of like it's the drink voice trying to plant a seed and you need to stamp it out, not let it take
root.

When I fell off last time it's taken me six months, to get back here. I had 30 days or so sober in there in spurts, so I don't just mean being sober. I mean more the mental state of being able and willing to work hard at recovery.

This last period of drinking I was averaging probably 15 or more a day. I was sick more mornings than not. I would have a couple almost every morning. This was to keep just to keep the shakes off. Some days it wouldn't stop at a couple. It would roll into lunch drinks a lot of times if that happened. A few before I got home and maintenance dosage all evening. I never really even got a buzz. It was mostly just to keep from feeling sick. I was still pumping a lot of alcohol through tough and was in a constant withdrawal/drinking to keep the withdrawal at bay cycle. On days where I managed to only have a few in the morning and nothing at lunch, I'd slam 4 to 6 before I got home. On an empty stomach, so that I might could feel it. I would maintenance does from there if I could, but sometime I'd take to much. If I was lucky I'd just pass out. If I wasn't I'd keep drinking and the next day would roll into a worse cycle on the withdrawal scale. There were some missed days of work and worse in there too.

That is just a shitty way to live. I don't want it. I don't need it. I never want to go back there. If I drink that is exactly where I will go back though. I can't turn back time and drink again like when I was younger and it was still, fun at least some of the time.

I am sure I have a lot to learn and a lot I need to rebuild myself as to stay on this path. One thing for sure for me though, I don't need any fantasies that I will ever drink again. Not even vague half formed ones.

[Midwest Sue]

Todd, thank you for sharing your experience here. Bottom line: zero tolerance! If we are here, we know that's what's needed. Whether it was 15 a day or 5, if we're honest we know that we did not have control then and we won't tomorrow.
Send the fantasies packing as quickly as they appear. No means no. Done means done.

[hope]

I am so sorry, I have had too much to drink. The only consolation I have is that I could find this link tonight. I am such a loser........don't know what to do...saddest thing is I am trying to edit my post - wha joke!!!!

[hope]

Hi, Is anybody out there......help

[JeffR1]

Hi everyone. I think ToddE has hit upon the crux of the dilemma faced by most people addicted to alcohol - and other drugs.

Alcoholism can be a slow and painful death. But, because we often start out with getting some pleasure from alcohol, we don't always understand the negative consequences it can have. And, we don't see the incremental and often hidden damage it is doing. Then, one day we find ourselves completely overtaken by alcohol and seem powerless to do anything about it!

If you're lucky you can get out early, but the longer you drink, the harder it is to be free. It seems there are those people who can drink and not get addicted, but then there are those of us who do become addicted and it takes over our life. Like ToddE, I never drank for the taste, I only drank for the effect! Alcohol was my ticket to oblivion, a place where I didn’t have to think or worry about life – one or two was never enough.

The fantasy we hold onto is that - hopefully - one day we will be able to drink 'socially' like those other people do! And, of course it is a fantasy - but we tend to hold it in the back of our minds in hope.

The problem here is that we are not congruent with our conscious plan to be sober and so our ‘other’ mind conspires to sabotage our efforts - the 'IT' voice. It's like a person with coeliac disease holding out hope that someday they will be able to eat gluten again!

So we resist the thought of never drinking, not being able to fully accept the proposition. I would go so far as to say that unless and until we fully accept we can't drink, we may well be doomed to go down that inexorable path of alcoholism till death!

Some may recall I mentioned my dad almost died from alcoholism over 30 years ago. He has said that even to this day - 30 years sober - he knows with complete certainty that his next drink will kill him! He has fully accepted this fact, and in doing so, he is fully congruent with being sober.

My dad told me of a guy in AA who retired at 60 and took up golf. He never drank alcohol throughout his life, but decided to have a beer with his golfing buddies to be sociable. Five years later he was dead! Some say he had been an alcoholic his whole life, it's just that he never drank before retirement and so never knew he was one of those people who becomes addicted to the substance. It all happened so quick for him.

But, those of us who do know now that we have a problem tend to think 'that won't happen to me'. Why do we think this? Because we still hold onto the illusion that one day we can drink like 'social' drinkers.

So, being abstinent is simply not enough to be truly sober! Therefore, at a thinking level we must completely let go of any notion that one day we might be able to drink.

The mind is a powerful tool; but, with it we can just as easily succeed as we can fail! I believe we have to change our mind about who we are and how we see ourselves in order to achieve and maintain lasting sobriety. To this end, we have to move on from seeing ourselves as alcoholics and see ourselves as sober people – people who understand and accept that alcohol can no longer play a part in our lives. If we can change our minds, then we can be free.

Have a great sober day everyone. Best wishes. Jeff

[Midwest Sue]

Jeff, you have profound insight and express it with such intelligence. This post is a gem. Thank you.

[Beth]

[/QUOTE]

The mind is a powerful tool; but, with it we can just as easily succeed as we can fail! I believe we have to change our mind about who we are and how we see ourselves in order to achieve and maintain lasting sobriety. To this end, we have to move on from seeing ourselves as alcoholics and see ourselves as sober people – people who understand and accept that alcohol can no longer play a part in our lives. If we can change our minds, then we can be free.

Have a great sober day everyone. Best wishes. Jeff[/QUOTE]

Jeff, thank you for your post.....

I am having difficulty understanding the concept of changing my mind. It is so depressing knowing all I know and not being able to practice what I am learning.
The struggles seem so unnecessary. My heart goes out to everyone struggling here. At times it is unbearable to think that this could be my fate. The statistics are stacked against us. My excuse to self medicate is not even a great one. Yes, I have problems but when I look at how bad things could be for me, I again get depressed that I am so selfish.

I wont quit quitting but can't understand why it can't be permanent. I never want to drink again. I truly mean that. I just need that magic mind changing weapon.

[bdog]

Good Morning all,

some great posts the last day or two. I finally was given permission to come back to work for half days this week and back to full time next week as long as I am able to function without showing any signs of partaking. talk about scared straight. not the way I planned it but its going on two weeks now and being outside of work for days wondering if I would be able to come back is very scary and lonely. I have worked for this company for 24 years and did not want to lose one of the best things I have in life. but if it took that to get me to stop drinking then I guess it was a blessing i never knew about.

[Kip]

hi friends.... i hope you are well... life has been quite busy and i have a lot of catch up reading to do here.... combination of work, family things, etc... unfortunately, a pile of social activities have left me bouncing back in/out of relapses. clearly i am not ready to face the experience of interaction, nice spring weather, beer gardens, etc.. not to mention having to endure some annoying family activities. it just all came at once and feels out of control.... i really don't enjoy the complexity of drinking integrated into my life; as some of you have wisely said, it starts to become part of your whole thought process. then there are the health issues and feeling crappy. i have not been awake at the wheel, so to speak.

so, back in the fold..... hi to my old friends, welcome to newcomers... this place is where I need to be.

[fiona]

Todd thank you for sharing. Usually your posts make me hungry. I find cooking very therapeutic.

Jeff, you should seriously consider writing a book. Your insights and advice are always inspiring. That last paragraph...wow.

Since finding this site I have become much more aware of alcohol in our society and in my own life. And although my purpose for coming here was to understand someone else's addiction, I have been consciously assessing my own motivations for drinking. Am I having a beer because I want one? I know for me 1 isn't going to send me into a tailspin of many. But until recently, I don't think I consciously thought about it. I didn't always choose, something else did.

My point of reference for the addictive voice comes from the experience of my ex-husband becoming verbally and emotionally abusive 14yrs into our marriage. He needed to make me feel like crap in order to feel power. The AV is only powerful when you feel like crap. It has taken me years to fully hear my Authentic Voice again. It was a roller coaster of believing in myself or believing someone else.

Beth, I think "the magic mind changing weapon" starts with listening, and more importantly, believing your Authentic Self. I always saw it like the cartoon depiction of the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other. When I decided to fight for me, I actually had an angel tattooed on my shoulder. The more you believe in the true you, the more powerful you become, and the changing has already started.

"To this end, we have to move on from seeing ourselves as alcoholics and see ourselves as sober people – people who understand and accept that alcohol can no longer play a part in our lives. If we can change our minds, then we can be free".

I love this. And i think the word "accept" is the key. If everyone could accept their Authentic selves, life experiences & all, then there would be no struggles, and no questions. This is me, deal with it!

Have a great week everyone!

"Be who you are, NO ONE can tell you you're doing it wrong."

[Dreamweaver]

Another day one. I need to refocus on myself. My drinking is to get over the pain, which is ironic cause my drinking has only created more pain. Recovery is hard work and I"m trying to work through the pain and deal with issues from the past so I can be free to live in the present again. I don't like this person I become when drunk and I'm tired of watching myself struggle.

So today, I will remember every ounce of misery I feel right now and ask, was IT worth it? No.
*I* am worth more than this.

Very grateful for this forum, thanks to all of you who have shared.

[Eric]

"It is so depressing knowing all I know and not being able to practice what I am learning." Truly, this is such a heartbreaking aspect of this disease. I know I am an alcoholic. I know I cannot drink responsibly. I know that drinking is having a serious negative impact on every aspect of my life. I am not happy...yet, I keep wanting to have another drink. Anyway, I will keep doing the next right thing that is true to my true self.

[Ken1]

I wanted to pass another site along with another way to quit drinking. It has some great tips and ideas that you can piggyback on to all the other methods and techniques you are using.

http://howtostopdrinking.org/stopdrinking.html

Here's a sample:

Take a long honest look at how alcohol has affected your life. Does it really look like a “value multiplier?” I owe some of my worst memories to alcohol. Days, months and years of my life that were miserable as a direct result of “adding alcohol” to the mix. Sure, there are a few good memories; but those times don’t even come close to making up for the bad. (And besides, the majority of what makes those few memories “good” had nothing to do with the alcohol. A great concert, a Fourth of July celebration with friends, or meeting an interesting girl at a club; the truly fun elements would have been there with or without the booze.)

Is alcohol your “social lube?” Well, if having a good time or feeling comfortable in a certain environment requires that you first drug yourself, maybe that is nature’s way of saying you’re not where you’re supposed to be. Perhaps you need some better pass times. (Pass times that don’t require drugs or alcohol to make the event tolerable.)

Depressed? Trying to deal with things that are “unpleasant?” Let’s hope you haven’t settled on alcohol as an acceptable “solution.” Any honest person knows that alcohol is NOT going to solve a damn thing. Quite the opposite…it’s likely to make whatever you’re avoiding even worse. If you’re dealing with something difficult and your old self suggests you add alcohol, simply answer with the truth: “That’s not the solution. That isn’t going to help. Why the Hell would I want to make things worse than they already are?”

Here's one more:

"A guy once asked me: “what do you do if you don’t drink?” I answered: “I do a lot of the same things you do…I just don’t do them drunk.”
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I hope this works for someone, good luck everyone and God bless you.

[kevin2]

Thanks Ken, very helpful as usual. So how have you been?
Everyone's strategies, analogies etc. are always helpful and are added weapons in our arsenal in this fight. I just finished reading the article from Patrick on the home page and one sentence from it really got me thinking and really summed things up prety well...

The key is maintaining a strong baseline

So if your baseline is fairly weak, if you are only somewhat committed to your recovery, then during those times when life ebbs and flows a bit, you are more likely to relapse.

On the other hand, if you are stronger in your recovery, then even during the inevitable ups and downs in life, you will still remain strong enough to maintain sobriety.

This is a critically important point so please take care to understand it.

Everyone will have ups and downs in recovery. Everyone will face temptation at one point or another. Everyone will have bad days, weeks, even months.

However, you have the ability to prepare for those down times, and make your recovery strong enough to “weather the storm.”

How can you do this?

By creating positive momentum in your recovery.

I honestly think this is the key question that each of us needs to ask ourselves....
Just how "commited" are you (or I) to true recovery? Not just stopping for a while, slipping, stopping again,...giving up, rededicating etc..,...but truly beating this thing long term. I know it's something I need to strongly evaluate,..and even though I've stayed sober something like 103 out of the last 105 days,...I've still never let myself FULLY commit and accept that I will never drink again. Why not?...Is it too overwhelming? Do I want to always allow myself room for the occasional "slip"? These are the questions that I need to answer going forward. The crazy thing about it is that if a Dr. told any one of us with 100% certainty that if you took just ONE more drink your head would burst into flames,...each of us would instantly be fully commited with zero chance of relapse. It all comes down to how badly you truly want it.

[Beth]

Fiona, Thank you for the advice. It's an idea I have never explored, my Authenitic Me. I am open to anything right now. I have been doing some web searches that seem helpful. Thank you again!
Kevin, Thank you for your post as well but I am not so sure I wouldn't take the drink even if my head would burst into flames. Matter of fact I probably would. That is just how I feel right now. The thought of never drinking again doesn't scare me. My drunkin party days are over or should be.
Today I remembered something weird when I saw the donuts laid out at work (which is a weekly occurrence)....
The weird thing is I haven't eaten a donut in 35 years, no lie. I can't stand them. The thought of one makes me nauseous. Just thinking about biting into one brings back childhood memories of pretty much overdosing on them. So this morning, it was about 10 am and I was starving, forgot to eat breakfast again. I went in search of anything but all I found were the donuts. I was really feeling light headed and needed to eat but I couldn't eat a donut. I just couldn't bring myself to do it.
Now if only I could get that feeling about alcohol I would be golden!

[kevin2]

Beth,..Ironically I'm sure there are lots of peoople who wish they had your doughnut phobia. Funny I have a similar thing, but with Corona (with Lime). I got soooo sick on it once in High School that to this day I can't drink anything with lime in it,...cannot stand the thought of it. For some reason it didn't affect my love for beer,..just the limes.

[hope]

Hi everyone

Thanks for all the wonderful posts. I am o.k. - thanks for the quote from St. Paul John - I was going to hide away after my post last night - but I truly believe that being totally honest - as humiliating as it is even anonymously will help - so here I am - tail between my legs resolved not to give up. The scary thing is, I don't even remember writing that post - and only saw it this morning - so it makes me wonder what many other things I have done unknowingly in the evenings when I am blasted. I usually am sleeping or so I thought, so why did I get up and post last night? Well, back to day 1 - I will post again when I have made 3 days, so if you don't hear from me, I am reading all your stories and sending you all my prayers. So....I'll be here on Thursday

[carol]

Hope, OK, we're holding you to Thursday! But you don't have to wait that long to post.

Not quiet today, so many awesome posts. It's the raw, brutally honest posts that speak to me today. When I came here, I had no hope, only despair and shame. I wanted to quit but had tried and failed so many, many times. This was the first, and remains the only, place I've ever been totally honest about how much I drank and how I felt about it. My husband kind of knew, but even then I might be on my 2nd bottle of wine when he thought I was just starting into my first (and wondering why I was getting mean so quickly).

Like so many others, I got here by googling "how to quit drinking". I called out "mayday, mayday" (literally - go see the post, which Sally likes to remind me of). I remember vividly when I posted "it was Saturday night, I got drunk". I liberally used what Billy calls "keyboard therapy". I came here near the start of this forum, but there were 2 blogs which preceded it, and I read every single post. What I found was people like ME. I could post and not have to explain. Why do you have to drink? it's a choice, people would say. No, it wasn't a choice. I HAD TO! And you guys got it. But I also found hope, people who had come before me who had made it. I read Patrick's articles, and the posts, and posted and posted and posted, sometimes several times a day. I thought for awhile this forum was a substitute addiction for me but decided that was OK with me.

I couldn't make a commitment to 30 days, I couldn't make a commitment to forever. I had read and read and if rational thinking or magical thinking had worked, I would have quit long ago.

Patrick's rule #1: Don't drink today, no matter what. So simple, so hard. Reading others' posts on what they did, especially in the early white knuckle days, helped. Reading others' warnings on complacency at 2 weeks or 30 days or 3 months or whatever, helped. Don't drink today, no matter what.

Massive change. John, at first that was change whatever I had to to not drink. I'm retired. I didn't keep alcohol in the house because I would drink it all, so I went out everyday 4:30ish and got it. But I had to have an excuse: "honey, I have to go get a vegetable to go with dinner", "honey, I'm not cooking tonight, I'll go get takeout" - yeah, like my husband didn't know what I was up to. So I set it up so I wouldn't run ANY errands after noon, too risky. You get the drift. Whatever I had to do. Sue said much the same thing. Many people exercised. I'm a slug so I didn't. Whatever works for YOU. I was only willing to commit to 1 thing: making being sober my #1 priority. I was bone tired for a long time. If I didn't have to do it, I just didn't. I babied myself. Some people had lots of energy and used it. Do whatever works for you. Just don't drink today, no matter what!!!!!!!

I still see my college drinking buddies once a year or so (I skipped last year and am glad I did but will go next time). One of them is an alcoholic and looks like it, looks like a degenerate. At the last reunion I went to, his wife had to go make an emergency run for near-beer. I won't be that person!!! And that's where rule #2 comes in, to paraphrase: grow every day. I had never heard the term dry drunk before, but that's what he is. He doesn't drink, and not drinking still consumes his life. Guess what, not drinking didn't magically change my life and make everything all better. There were things I was actively making worse with drinking, and those got immediately better. I felt better. Just not feeling ashamed every day is priceless. But once I started getting sober, first there were EMOTIONS, big time, way out of proportion to whatever was really going on. Grow every day, process them a bit every day. Don't drink today, no matter what. Then they settled down and I realized "normal people" still have emotions and I had to learn/relearn appropriate responses. I have a great marriage, but I had to change some boundaries with my husband. Grow every day. Don't drink today, no matter what. Then stuff from the past started coming up, much of which I can't change. Work through it, change what I can, accept what I can't (hard). Grow every day. Don't drink, no matter what. Sue, I went thru a lot of counselling when I got divorced, and I've tried to use everything I can remember; I think that's a good step.

So I haven't changed much, yet I've changed everything. I'm 59. I'm free. I don't ever what to go back. Today's posts brought a visceral reaction to me, remembering. I don't want to forget. Oh, I wrote down every bad thing, situation, memory I could early on also. I shared some of those horrible moments here, too, which helped make them more real. It took time I could have been drinking plus it helped when the alky voice (my she-devil) started with the "oh, you're doing so well, a little won't hurt". Yes, a little HURT. "One is too many, 100 is not enough" - thanks again to whoever said that.

So when I started I was going to say I was overwhelmed and didn't know where to start and was going to keep it short, but of course I didn't keep it short. Thank you for being here. I am going to cry. You don't know how much you all mean to me, even those just starting out on this journey. I started here telling myself I would surely die if I kept going the way I was going. You have helped get me and keep me on Vic's sober train. Chugga, chugga, chugga, chugga, choo choo! All aboard! (Yes, I'm corny and proud of it!)

[WillOvercome]

Hope,
I can't tell you how many times I have gotten up in the morning and had to check my cellphone to see who I talked to the night before. I am praying for you. I know you can do this and I am looking forward to seding your Thursday post. It's getting close to the witching hour on the west coast. I will be online for about another 30 minutes if you need to talk.

I have really enjoyed and found encouragement in all the positive post. So glad I found this site. I now know I'm not the only one that sometimes falls down. Thank You ALL!