Lied to yet again-now what?

[Brokenhearted]

My BFF is at it again but this time it's different cause he is in rehab! To make long story short, I'm married & I'm having an affair with him 5 years now) he's been a drinker since teenage years. Well it all hit the fan when his family called me & told me they would expose our relationship if he didn't go to Rehab & I had to stop communication with him (please keep in mine we have been BFF for 20+ years). He reluctantly went to rehab to save me & I didn't talk to him - his conselour called me cause I m his emergency contact & he wanted to touch base about my BFF's progress. I broken down & talked to him (so good to hear his voice) he sounded so good so happy. I'm going to see him on Tuesday for 1st time in 20 days. Well he told me he's doing great he's never gonna drink again he's ready to come home & start his life blah blah blah well then proceeds to tell me that he got a pass so that I can see him longer then an hour - got 2 hr fun pass to leave the grounds. Well I just talked to his counselor - he told me that's not true! Now what? Is he still just feeding me lines of Bullshit? Did I do wrong thing in talking to him? What am I suppose to do? I'm going to see him on Tuesday & I honestly can't do this anymore! I love him to pieces but I don't see a future with him anymore. I can't always be wondering if he is lying to me?
-broken hearted

[Patrick Meninga]

Wait a minute....you are married and having an affair with this man, and you are concerned that he is not honest with you?

Am I understanding the situation right?

Please clarify....

[Brokenhearted]

He knows I'm married - workin on leaving my situation but this isn't issue here - issue is "if he's lying about the extra time?" what else is he gonna lie about? & how do I handle? I am walking out the door regardless it's just whether or now he will come with me now? Getting outta one bad relationship & don't wanna b walking into another.

[Patrick Meninga]

I guess I would slow things down and see what happens. Talking with his counselor behind his back....still being married....him being super early in his recovery....just lots of red flags there.

They recommend that newcomers in recovery not get into new relationships for at least a year, and there is good reason for such a suggestion.

My opinion: he needs to be alone for a while if he is going to become the person that you really want to be with long term.

Along the same lines, I bet you would be a much stronger person (and a better partner) if you spent some alone time yourself. If you find it impossible to be single and alone for a while, then it is probably something that would benefit you greatly. This is based on my experience. I also lived with about 30 to 40 guys in long term rehab over a period of 20 months, and every single person who relapsed did it over a relationship.

My 2 cents anyway....

[Brokenhearted]

Thank you for your 2 cents. I do appreciate it.
I'm not talking-to his counselor behind his back he knows we talk about his condition as well how he is progressing in his recovery.

It's Obvious to me now that we are each others crutch - we enable each other. Ouch!

So when I see him on Tuesday, I break it off while he is still in rehab? I don't want to be the reason for a relapse. I couldnt live with myself if Im the reason!

Thanks again for your opinion

[Patrick Meninga]

I am not saying you should or should not break up.

I am saying you should proceed with caution, and consider the idea that you might only be able to grow while you are apart from each other (at least at first).

Once you both become healthier people (and more honest), then the relationship might work a lot better.

Again, just based on what I have experienced and observed over the years.

Good luck.

[ambersue]

Dear Brokenhearted,
I was in a relation ship with a alcoholic for 16 years and I cant tell you how many times he told me he was going to quit drinking and did not, I dont know what is bad about your other relationship But maybe yo9u schould break off all ties and take some time for your self, To find out what you really want in life, I am sure you are a great person and deserve some one who is going to treat you like a queen. The only person who can make you happy is your self. Best of luck to you!